Pelican

A pelican with its vastly mutated beak

Pelicans are water birds with abnormally large beaks due to eating nuclear waste that somebody poured into the ocean simply to save time and money. If you wish to hunt them for whatever reason, look for the nearest ocean and you'll find them at war against the seagulls.

Description

Pelicans have abnormally large beaks which they can use to store various things, including people to smuggle across the United States border. Another important use is for the transportation of the obese population that is prevalent in the United States. For some reason they are capable of swimming, which defies the laws of birds as birds are supposed to fly and not swim. All four toes are webbed, another side effect of eating a large amount of nuclear waste. They are capable of flight, which isn't surprising considering their ridiculously large wings. They have the largest bills of any other bird, which they love to show off. They are at war with seagulls, who unlike the pelicans have not had their bills mutated by nuclear waste.

Additionally, due to their uncanny ability to quickly soak up petroleum based products and store them in their feathers they have emerged as the premier clean-up solution for oil-spills and were instrumental in mitigating the BP Gulf Oil crisis. All oil tankers must now store at least 37 emergency pelicans on board at all times.

This pelican decided to hire someone to do the work for him.

Diet

Pelicans eat unsuspecting fish (they are also fond of animal crackers) that lurk in the ocean, along with a bunch of unlucky animals including crustaceans and even smaller birds when feeling particularly cannibalistic.

Pelicans have to drain their pouches before swallowing, allowing other birds (mostly gulls) to rob them of their food. How they have managed to not go extinct the world may never know ...

A pelican about to be eaten by a ferocious predator

Reproduction

Pelicans lay eggs, as do all birds. Pelican chicks are notorious for trying to kill each other for no reason, typically leaving only one chick alive per nest – which is actually rather convenient for the parents. Again, how they haven't gone extinct the world may never know ...

Predators

Thankfully for them, adult pelicans don't have to worry about ferocious animals; after all, they are birds of prey. Their chicks aren't so fortunate, though, and must worry about feral cats, skunks, Sean Penn and cannibals.

Population

The pelican population is large but, given the fact that bird hunting season is coming, this may change soon.

See also

• Bird flu