~ National Institute of Geologists
Geology (from Bushman - Geo meaning Rock and logy meaning masturbation) is devotion to the study of the Rock, its composition, properties, history, and processes of formation. Petroleum Geology however looks at the holes within rock rather than the rocks themselves, so a petroleum geologist doesn't actually look at the rocks, just the cold, dark voids of nothingness within them. Geology is not in fact a science, but simply a hobby.
Geology was created so that drunks were able to get paid by universities to create fiction to make their puns that don't make sense sound feasible. In around 1800 a man called James Hadley got bored of being kicked out of cities for being a drunk. So he made up some bullshit about solid lumps of stone actually moving over each other. Some people actually believed him and thus Geology was born, since then there have been 200yrs worth of inventive drunks creating magical stories of whole continents walking around the planet and playing bumper cars against each other.
The study of actual rock(s), has made Geology one of the most iconic professions and desired lifestyles, envied by all other mineralogists. Geologists, known for their voracious drinking and lifestyles, have been the subject of many popular, films, novels and college courses. Geologists are most classically portrayed as larger than life figures in pop culture known for their often excessive and unwieldy hair and habits such as flatulence, promiscuity and acts of random violence. The lives of geologists are often even more fascinating than the rock(s) which they study.
Questions Of Geology[edit | edit source]
Geologists aspire to resolve the 10 pillars of geology;
- What is it?
- How old is it?
- Where did it come from?
- Is there oil in it?
- Does it taste good?
- Where is the nearest pub?
- Does the pub serve traditional real ales?
- Where's my red colouring pencil gone?
- Where am I?
- If i was high, could this rock be fictional?
These are the questions on which Geologists base their colourful, meaningful lives, drinking and resolving in equal measure.
Geology is the study of all solid matter on Earth (including ice) with the exception of animals, humans and German people. In fact, geology can also be the study of solid matter in space and so in actual fact, geology is the study of everything. However, geologists are rarely clever enough to know everything as so geology is broken down into several scientific fields such as physics, chemistry, planetary astronomy etc.
Geology was first invented in Scotland on March 14th, 1764 when James Hutton and Sir Charles Lyell picked up a rock (most likely a lump of quartz) on the beach and realised that it was different from the several hundred lumps of sandstone that were scattered across their mantlepiece. An instant shock, Lyell felt the need to write several hundred books about his discoveries, which creationists to this day still laugh and giggle about. In his first book 101 Things I Bet You Never Knew About Rock, he claimed that all rock originated from volcanoes, an important theory that provides the basis for all geological laws today.
Sir Phillip Drift later discovered that the surface of the earth is continually in motion and had the Continental Drift Theory named in his honour in 1912. From this came the discovery of the East African Rift and mid-ocean ridges when the Atlantic Mid-Ocean Ridge was also discovered accidentally in 1912 when divers were searching the ocean floor for remains of the RMS Titanic. Since then, all geology has revolved around oil and other hydrocarbons as studying the crystal lattice structure of a quartz crystal isn't going to make anyone a millionaire quickly, is it?
Geology of America[edit | edit source]
Buljiz, the creator god, was creating the earth, but he ran out of land for America. So, he pulled his pants and undies down, and lots of rock-like poop was flung out, and that is how the land of America was born!
Geologists' Ties to Crack Rocks[edit | edit source]
Geologists' studies of differing rocks and their uses has naturally involved the study of Crack Rocks, and its effects on the human mind. This has led to many experiments on test subjects ranging from lab mice, weasels, badgers, kittens, bears, and college students. It was discovered soon after by scientists doing a parallel study on stupidity that the Geology scientists were using University funds to give poor college students free crack cocaine. This caused the University to take the crack from the college students and divide it among the faculty almost equally; it was almost equal because the Math professors were the only ones who knew how to divide and took more for themselves, those bastards.
The data from the experiments produced several conclusions.
1. College Students using Crack Cocaine made significantly lower grades in every class but Art. It was theorized that all Art Majors were crack heads to begin with.
2. The Bears immediately started migration into urban areas in the hopes of finding and eating crackheads to get high.
3. The Kittens who were under the effects of Crack Cocaine gave a significantly more powerful high when huffed, thought they still did not fuck you up NEARLY as hard as the non-crack influenced orange ones. See Kitten Huffing.
4. Geologists sure as hell don't know how to spend University money. The student body, however, thinks they rock!
Types of Geology[edit | edit source]
- Structural geology - This pile of rubble I'm climbing on doesn't seem structurally stable. Ooh, is that a glacial erratic? Try hitting it with your rock hammer- ARGGGGG!!!
- Volcanology - Holy balls, the composition of this basaltic lava flow is solidifying at an exceptional- ARRGGGG!!!!
- Palaeontology - The fossil remains of this skeleton? Hmmmm, Neolithic I would say...
- Situationist Geology- Those people who speak of geology and rock struggle without referring to eveyday reality have a corpse in their mouth
- Sedimentology - Silt has a nice toothpaste texture when you taste it, but the larger grain size in sand gives it a gritty texture.
- Evolution - This cat your grace, it used to be a dog...
- Field Geology - Oilseed grape grows in this field due to a favourable soil pH from the underlying rocks. *yawn*
- Creationism - I am sick of beating my face against granite floors like my colleagues ARGGGGG...enough of this mindless uniformitarian conjecture! Time for a fresh perspective!
- Mineralogy - The study of ending words in "ite"......ARRGGITE
- Geomorphology - The Earth changes gradually "I've been standing here for hours and havent seen any rocks move....ARRGGG"
Big Dogs of Geology[edit | edit source]
- Tony Adams, Jurasic to present [Manchester University]
- Giles Droop, carbon-dated to 4.8billion BC (he is the rock!) [Manchester University]
- Derek Briggs, Cambrian to present (Creator of the "Cambrian Explosion") [Yale University]
- John Hossack, 200 Ma - present
- Charles Lyell, (All processes continue at perfectly constant rates...I swear...you believe me don't you? ARGGGGG!) Kings College London - 1830's
- William Sollas The Daddy. [University College, Oxford]
- James Nicol, University of Aberdeen - 1853 - 1879
- Chris Evans, Anywhere but home - 1990BC - present
- The Rock (Can you smell what he's cooking? A crinoid covered in cheese that's what!), Your mum - 4.5Billion BC - present
G. Youd', Jurassic - Present. Recently completed over 100 years of teaching of mass wasting.
- Phil "I killed a grouse with my rock hammer" Brown', Never ages, [University of Weelll....sconsin - Madison]
- Ed "Dash their hopes of having a Red Marble kitchen by telling them it's actually Limestone" Jarvis, Immortal [University College Cork]
- Charlie's Stick [Aberystwyth University] - technically created before the big bang. Worked out that wood is actually undercover sandstone working for the CIA
- Paul "Dr Death" Wignall [University Of Leeds] - Late Permian to present. Speculated to have caused the great PermoTriassic catastrophy and has been implicated in several major mass extinctions since.
- Saul 'the licker' Mifflin - Ordovician till present. (Premium rock licker at Hereford sixth form college).