That guy from Hootie and the Blowfish
An interesting case of transforming the public's ire into sympathy. The man once known as Hootie was at the forefront of the fifth Great Music Blandening, an occasional crusade by men in suits to make sure all music on the radio sounded the same. The GMB was for the noblest of causes; without any change in the music, no one would ever have to be distracted by a song, or have to change their radio station, greatly reducing the number of accidents. But I digress.
Thatguyfromhootieandthe Jeremy was born on May 13, in the year that nobody cares about. Nobody was sure what color Thatguyfromhootieandthe was when he was born. His father, Ron Jeremy, was quite certain that his mother was cheating on him with a black guy, but a paternity test proved otherwise. His mother, Phoebe Blowjob, left Ron Jeremy after his doubt about being the father, and Thatguyfromhootieandthe, took his mother's last name. As young Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowjob grew up, his mother was sure that she had a white son. His frequenting golf courses, drinking Natty Ice, and creating inventions such as ultimate frisbee, Axe, and the question mark. Thatguyfromhootieandthe got a job as a male waitress at Hooters to support his mother's addictions to Starbucks. After realizing he could not get anywhere in the music business with the last name Blowjob, he changed his last name to Blowfish. Somehow during his attempt to change his name, his name got mixed up with a black person named Darius Rucker. Young Thatguyfromhootieandthe was appalled, and sued the name changing company.
Hootie and the Blowfish were the blandest of the bland, and made great stride in the GMB's crusade ... until one day when the public woke up and realized that, well, music on the radio sucked, and the centre of all the public's hatred became Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish. This brought about the fifth Discovery of Good Bands, during which time Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish attempted to be hip by releasing a solo album in which he pretended to be one of the Black People.
Years passed, and Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish avoided the public eye by working for running for Mayor of New York, which worked until suddenly and without warning, Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish appeared in a commercial for a major fast food chain! The world gasped as Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish strummed a guitar, made no reference to his previous life as that guy from Hootie and the Blowfish and convinced you to buy Nutter Bomb Biscuit Sandwiches.
Later, it was discovered that Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish had spent all of his money while running for Mayor of New York by convincing everyone to vote for None of the Above, and he refused to take the hat of money that his friend John Candy collected from all the various hangers-on.
He is also a cowboy and lives at the lovely "Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar" Ranch, and he likes money (and fucking bitches) a lot. (see picture)
Whiteness[edit | edit source]
Many have believed Thatguyfromhootieandthe Blowfish of in fact being white, and although he appears to be black, scientists have confirmed he is in fact very white. Signs of this include
- Recording a Country Music Album
- Writing Shitty Songs
- Being in Hootie and the Blowfish
- His appearance in the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch Commercials
- Enjoying Golf