UnBooks:Encyclopedia of Machete Battles

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Your patriotic duty in monkey form

There has been a debate in recent decades as to the greatest of all human inventions. True, there are a lot of great candidates for the title, like the printing press and the Gatling gun, but they haven't stood the test of time. I have in mind one invention so great that it has been used ever since man picked up the first knife: the knife.

Ever since I lost my legs, and my arms, in THE WAR, I've dreamt every night about holding a knife in my sweaty palm again. If I had just one knife, I swear I would KILL EVERYONE. EVERY. ONE. And that's why I wrote this book: to get the bad thoughts out of my head. In case you don't trust that I was in THE WAR, take a look at this scar. Yeah, yer not laughin now are ya, you young asshole.

Back in THE WAR, I didn't use a gun because, frankly, guns are for pussies. I was part of an elite squad (which is no longer in existence), that vowed to take down the enemy face to face. In case you're wondering, I am extremely badass and was the only one qualified to write this book of the remaining survivors of my troop. SO PAY ATTENTION!!

The Story Of The Machete[edit]

Here: Have a gnome being stabbed.

Machetes are basically knives. It doesn't matter what you call them, but the word "machete" has a certain sexiness about it. A machete is like a short sword, except don't tell it I said that. Machetes are not hunks of iron. Okay, they are, but they rock. Usually, they have serrated edges, but sometimes they can come in a simple streamlined package, for easy transportation and stabbage.

Knives and machetes have been around since the beginning of time and/or manliness. The first man, as the bible tells us, was born from the mud of a tractor pull slash big rig racing competition arena. Adam, the manliest man alive back then, ripped out the exhaust pipe of a passing big rig and fashioned out of it the first knife using only his biceps and his 8-pack abs. From then on, knives have been a common accessory for every man. Statistics have shown that 80% of men are packing "cold" (a codeword for knife I just made up) at any time, and for any reason.

What's It Like Being Stabbed, Mister?[edit]

A modern machete battle usually consists of at least one furry.

Being stabbed is a coming of age test for every man. Statistics have shown that 95% of men and 80% of women over the age of 12 have been stabbed at least once in their lives (depending on your definition of "Man" and "Woman").

Being stabbed is a glorious feeling for many reasons. First of all, there is a pang of manliness that shudders throughout your entire body. Second, you breathe a sigh of relief, as being stabbed proves that you deserve to be a man (unless you're not). Third you feel a kinship with the person who stabbed you, because men can only resolve their issues through violence. Fourth being stabbed gives you a second wind to continue fighting. If you get stabbed 10 or 15 times, you may feel the effects of being too manly, but don't let that fool you. You should probably be stabbed a few more times just so you have the stories of it, and for the cool scars. Fifth you feel thankful to the heavens that you would be chosen to be thusly stabbed.

There are many reasons to want to be stabbed. Manliness is not made of muscles, a job, and a girlfriend only, sir. It's made out of stab wounds and war stories too. Being stabbed is what gets me up in the morning. It's why I make my manservant Haku hide in the house for the first knife battle of the day: because being stabbed lets me know I'm alive. I really do suggest you get your own battle servant, by the way.

Make sure, however, that you take it like a man.

Best Places To Have A Machete Battle[edit]

It really does matter where you hold your machete battle. If you do it in a pansy place, it won't count. Examples of places you shouldn't have a machete battle include: your grandma's house, in a church, in a Prius, in a gay bar, in the bathroom, and in a hospital. Hopefully your mortal enemy isn't your grandma. These locales spit on the name of "Machete Battle" and are disgraceful. I would spit on them, but then I would have to clean my monitor.

  • The Jungle: There are lots of reasons to want to knife fight in the jungle. There are lots of places to hide, lots of animals you can pick up and use as weapons, the list goes on and on. Also, it's extremely hot and hard to breathe in, which reminds real men of THE WAR.
  • Rooftops: Rooftops are useful for knife battles, because there are many different ways to perish, all of which are worthy of putting on your tombstone:
  • Abandoned Places: Usually in abandoned places you'll find a gang of people doing illegal things. You probably have to be fairly badass at knives to take anyone on who would be in an abandoned place, which means that it's always worth it.
  • In a Thunderstorm: Battles in the rain often work best for the blood of your opponent can spill everywhere plus it is much more dramatic.


Knife battles are worth finding a mortal enemy for. Not only will you and your mortal enemy share common interests, but you will also both become a little more manly on the way.

See Also[edit]