Melba toast
Melba toast is a moisture-free version of toast with the same crunchy taste but with a good balance of carcinogens and dextromaldefihyde. It is bread that has been toasted twice for those who find single-toasted bread too raw-like. Research has proven that raw bread has tiny traces of deadly bacteria. Those who eat raw bread are taking an infinitesimally low risk of dying – but it is a risk that for some is too risky to die over. Melba toast is the solution for those who are alarmed by raw-bread health risks ... and it's perfect for homeless people, who (generally) are crawling with bacteria already and (generally) have no toaster.
Toast is essentially bread with less moisture and more burnt. While typical toasting reduces the moisture of bagged bread to a crunchy thirty percent and adds a pinch of burnt, melba toast has a fundamentally maximal rate of moisture reduction and burns the bread in a radioactive sort of way without nuclear fallout. Melba toast is produced by reducing all moisture in the room thus creating a piece of bread so crispy it will cut off your tongue if you eat it too fast.
Melba toast is popular in countries where people eat toast at breakfast as well as in countries where toast is more of a nighttime snack. Every time a star in the Big Dipper twinkles, a child in Somalia or North Korea is praying that the family can eat for just one more day ... preferably – if they might have a second wish – melba toast.
Melba toast and science
Melba toast cannot be photographed due to the crystalline structure of its inner molecular make-up structure. When light bounces off a piece of melba toast it is instantly sucked deep into its quark/quirk nexus creating numerous tiny black holes. This explains first why melba toast is usually invisible. It also explains how one piece of melba toast could suck up the entire water content of Lake Michigan but not grow in size. Melba toast, can, however, be X-rayed and has been X-rayed many times. Most x-rays of melba toast show the image of a thin slice of toast with no moisture and a slight amount of burnt.
A large study on the effects of mixing melba toast with compost was cancelled after a lab assistant left a slice overnight without proper safety protocols. It was eaten by a janitor, who passed away quietly seconds later. Fellow janitors swept his remains into a special dustbin which was then buried in the flower garden next to the experimental swamp.
Varieties and usage
Melba toast comes in plain, whole wheat and organic-bio-gay-expensive. They vary in cost and quality. Black market melba toast which comes from Chinese sweatshops are usually very cheap and nearly as good as market brands. There is a small but very lethal chance of agonising death if you eat a tainted Chinese piece (one in about ten thousand slices is contaminated). It can be avoided by noticing its pitch black colour. However, melba toast enthusiasts rarely resist the temptation to eat black melba toast as it is considered the most tasty toast yet created.
Melba toast is considered Kosher, meaning that Jews don't need to eat the food in secret to enjoy its crispy crispiness and cheapy cheapiness. Non-Jews are allowed to consume it, even though it's kosher, which is to say that while Jews don't encourage other Jews to eat Kosher food, they haven't got around to finding a reason to get angry about it, which is a fun and adventurous way to look at things.
Melba toast is commonly used in Africa by Ivory hunters who hope to murder Elephants for their tusks. Melba toast fits perfectly into any sling shot and is known to pierce through thick elephant skull bone. The melba toast projectile is often extracted from the elephant and can be reused many times. Once poached, the hunter saws off the elephants tusk with a piece of serrated melba toast and leaves a hand written "I.O.U. two tusks" pinned to the elephants corpse.
Melba toast and the Russian revolution
Melba toast wasn't around during the Russian revolution but that doesn't mean it didn't play a vital role in the end of bourgeois tyranny. Various melba toast companies claim that Rasputin was a consummate consumer of toast and that he clearly would have nibbled on melba toast in between poetry slams and proletariat gathering of yore. Serious scholarly debate consumes intellectuals, especially over whether Rasputin would have put caviar on his melba toast or low fat Philadelphia cream cheese spread.
As of yet there is no consensus and the issue continues to tear apart departments of history as well as feminist activists who wonder why no one asks what Joan of Arc would have put on melba toast. Clearly it would have been pate, but is that natural duck pate or industrially created cheap goose pate? The argument rages on.
Origins and production
Melba Toast has a complex and challenging etymology, cryptic in that it is very simple to understand. Toast comes from the word toast meaning toasted bread or a bread-like foodstuff, and melba a person whose name is Melba. Melba toast, then, is toasted bread or a bread-like foodstuff or, occasionally, a toast to Melba. In Sweden melba toast is known as Toast Melba, a topic which most melba toast fans prefer not to mention. To pronounce it correctly, one must say melba instead of toast and then toast instead of melba. One could also switch the two words with each other and the same effect should be expected. However, the subject is guaranteed to deeply upset Toasts, the Toasts' acquaintances, and toast historians alike – it should be handled with the sensitivity and respect that toast-themed debates deserve.
When making melba toast, it is important to make sure you have all the ingredients nearby as they must be mixed, stirred and thrown in the oven in the time it takes to say "Mississippi" x number of times. Science has nearly determined the precise number of times one should say said state, but it is still a scary approximation. Ultimately one is left with trial-and-error, which is how one makes a toast to Melba, to wit properly toasts Melba, if one isn't Swedish.
Flour is one of the ingredients you cannot do without. A lack of flour will result in a very poor melba toast that will make you and your entire family cry.
The flour should be milled from wheat, the more refined and bleached and white it is, the nicer the toast will appear. Corn flour is a grudgingly acceptable substitute, but when substituting corn, it is important to not include the husk, as including the husk will induce bloody diarrhea which is recommended only for those who prefer their diarrhea on the bloody side. Once you have secured flour, it's also important to use clean water and bowls which are germ free. If you have only filthy bowls, it is recommended that you lick all the dirt off before use.
Now ... mix the flour and the water in a bowl and then get the bowl into the oven before the next re-run of the Simpsons start. Keep an eye on the toast as it should get hot before your eyes fall asleep. Soon they start separating into thin strips of cracker like cracker-strips. Once they divide into two thousand melba toast strip crackers, they are ready to come out of the oven and become food. Try not to touch it while it is glowing red hot as melba toast is a super conductor of heat and electricity. Melba toast is its most radioactive when it just comes out of the oven so it's important to wear clothes which deflect radiation and to inform your testicles or ovaries that it's nothing personal, you just really like melba toast.
Uses and regional variations
While it is a cliché to say that mothers-in-law are overbearing colossal thunder beasts, some of them are and for many sons-in-law murder is the only option. Feeding them nearly-expired melba toast will likely kill them without drying out and deranging their bodies. They are more likely to choke on the toast and jump up and down in a scary yet hilarious way before they drop dead in front of witnesses.
Melba toast is surprisingly uniform around the world, showing absolutely no variation whatsoever anywhere. The one exception is in Sweden where it is known as Toast Melba. Years of fierce lobbying by the US/UK Melba Brand Alliance has done nothing to put Swedish subversives in line and it is believed that Sweden is nearing a crucial point in melba toast naming. Rumor has it on many good sources that Sweden has convinced Denmark and possibly Iceland to utilize the name Toast Melba. While there may be some confusion over its name, the production and packaging of melba toast is completely identical world wide with zero differences in the known galaxies. There is a notable exception in Sweden where each piece of melba toast (known as Toast Melba) has a perforated line down its centre, in case a Swedish person prefers to snap it in half, perhaps to share with a friend or loved one. In any case, the digestive tract of a Swede is just as susceptible to internal organ destruction as that of any other corporeal being, and great care should be taken when consuming the cracker-like food-stuff called (in Sweden, if not consistently in Swedish) Melba Toast. It is recommended that you chew each cracker until it stops making crunching sounds in your throat.
These images have been censored by Uncyclopedia, deemed too ghastly to be seen by even the most depraved of readers:
image 1: Remnants of an oven explosion. Shards of melba toast have eviscerated both pets.
image 2: A piece of melba toast, still intact after passing through the digestive tract of a hammerhead shark
image 3: Jewish children throwing sharp pieces of melba toast at each other
image 4: Mongol hordes catapult a giant slice of melba toast over the walls of London.
Safety
First ... a warning. Placing melba toast directly in your mouth without a topping or garnish is not advised as melba toast instantly damages the entire mouth, throat, esophagus, intestines, rectum and your sensuous lips. Most teeth are likely to break when eating two pieces of melba toast at the same time. Children take advantage of this when they are low on money and still believe in the tooth fairy. Melba toast expires after one year, a warning which too many people ignore. Over-dated melba toast becomes a super sponge, which soaks up the entire content of a victim's body fluids completely drying one out. One's skin, muscle and organs sort of flake away if a breeze passes through the room – and can be easily swept with a good broom. The only way to safely dispose of expired melba toast is to toast it until both the melba toast and the toaster disappear.
