Hong Kong Feng Shui
“The great Masters of old used to say that if a room is aligned with the stars, more women remove clothings more readily. Prepare yourself for war. ”
Hong Kong Feng Shui is a little known branch of Feng Shui, practiced in San Francisco and modeled after the great masters of Hong Kong Interior Design. The leader of the American West Coast Movement is Hong Kong Phooey.
Hong Kong Feng Shui
Hong Kong Feng Shui is an offshoot of traditional simplified Chinese Feng Shui. Hong Kong Feng Shui was started in the early forties to combat the blurry visions and general disorderlinesses caused by Dr. Timothy Leary's new wonder cure for boredom. Many rooms in San Francisco hadn't up to this point been touched up by the eventual throngs of homosexuals that would make San Francisco their Mecca.[1] In the meantime, San Francisco needed something that would create cozy rooms, that would purify and ease the troubled visions from the beatniks that came to indemnify the city.
Hong Kong Phooey
Born into a nuevo-rich family in 1930s San Francisco, Hong Kong Phooey is recognized as the original master of Hong Kong Feng Shui. He is descended from ancient Chinese/Man Dog combinations, allegedly cognizant of the ever present threat of the wok and his ensuing crispy skin. His ability to perfectly align filing cabinets along the polar axis is the stuff of legend, and many of the world's leading lights from the Hong Kong Feng Shui movement have learned directly from the Master himself.
Room Layout
It's easy to "map" your bedroom according to Feng Shui principles so you can create more harmony in the bedroom. 9 times out of 10, this is where you get laid,[2] a curious concept not quite grasped by the plethora of youth who haven't been weaned of their X-Boxes quite yet.
- First, draw a roughly square outline of your bedroom on a piece of paper. The wall that has the primary entrance to your room in it should be the lower line of the square.
- Divide the square into nine equal squares, three rows of 3 squares each.
- Start with the lowest row of squares, that describes the areas when you first walk into your bedroom. The far left corner of the room when you first enter is the area of Carnal Knowledge. The center square relates to Career or lack thereof, and the right-hand square is Helpful People/Sexual Tourism.
- Now look at the central row of squares, that describes the middle of your bedroom. The far left square relates to Family/Health. The central square is the Tao, or Center, and the right-hand square is Creativity/Children.
- Lastly, look at the top row of squares. The far left square relates to Money, the central square to Fame/Reputation, and the far right square to Relationships/Romance.
Your layout should look something like this: In an offhand way, in a desperate English moment, the following should be a guide, not the rule of Feng Shui.
- 6. Here are some objects that will work best for each area of your room, helping you to attract more of what you need.
Knowledge: Bookcase, books, tools for self-development.
Career: Mirrors or water-related items. Images to support your career goals.
Helpful People/Travel: Pictures of your helpers.
Family/Health: Family photos, heirlooms, plants.
Creativity/Children:[3] Art supplies, artwork, computer.
Wealth: Money, jewelry, fish, fountains, anything red, purple or gold.
Fame/Reputation: Candles, awards, plants, anything red, orange or purple.
Relationships/Romance: Round or oval mirrors, anything pink, pictures of loved ones, paired objects (like two candlesticks or two empty fifths of Jack Daniels.
Costs
The costs are the most prohibitive factor in determining how Feng your room is. It can cost you your immortal soul to have a room out of alignment. In order to protect your earthly investment, You, should visit a Feng Shui advisor nearest you. Ask for the Hong Kong Phooey Method and you'll get a rebate on virgins in the afterlife.[4]
Dangers
The obvious dangers behind a room that has not been Feng Shuieddd are palpable. Chinese Mysticism dictates that the gods control our lives in form and function. Orderly rooms are no less a part of god's plan, as much as the simple silk worm, shatting his precious goods. To interrupt this process is an affront to God's intentions for controlling the rate of TV noise and your life. Not having your room in the proper alignment is also such an affront. If the TV isn't properly placed upon the polar axis, in the year of the Cock, not forgetting Kepler Values of Planetary Motion, and other Astrophysical Geometries, God couldn't watch Family Guy. Earlier it was postulated that if God couldn't see I love Lucy! then World War Three would have commenced.
User Pages are no different. Please try to make your page as pretty as possible. User Boxes not in alignment with MediaWiki Software are blatant slaps on the back of God's pimpled ass. He doesn't like those...pimples that is.
Notes
- ↑ The Anti Mecca, Mecca. Most Muslims would be turning over in their graves if they knew this place existed.
- ↑ See Cooperative and Constructive Methodologies to occupying your time with a lady.
- ↑ No Child Left Behind
- ↑ Unless you are currently a virgin in heaven. In that case, Gene Roddenberry will be there to console you for eternity.
See also
- Environmental Politics
- Chinese Mysticism
- Ancient Healing Techniques
- San Francisco
- Acupuncture
- Bear Penis and Tiger Sweat
Badge
Hi <insert name here>, when your user page is of exceptional quality, please add {{Hong Kong}} to it, to let other users know that it's of the highest quality and in line with eastern traditions, meshed harmoniously with western capitalistic corruption, and other westernizations deemed fully in discordance with the Cultural Revolution!
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