Pikmin
| Pikmin | |
|---|---|
.jpg) | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Protista |
| Species | Nintendus |
| Binomial name | |
| Small people in your backyard | |
| Specifications | |
| Power supply | Atacking with their flowers |
| Health | 1,000 |
| Mana | 100 |
| Strength | Fast reproduction |
| Weight | 0,01 lbs |
| Length | 0,001″ |
| Special attack | Gun |
| Conservation status | |
| Endangered | |
“Awwwwwwwwwwww They're cute. And they just killed Aeris”
Pikmin are unsocial organisms of the kingdom Protista and, along with the related families of Pokemonstera and Goombadoptra, belong to the list of copyrights held by Nintendo.
Biology and behavior
Pikmin, much like Lady GaGa, are hermaphrodites, and as such are unable to have sex. (Though there are records of Pikmin ejaculating into the soil when they die which later sprouts more Pikmin.) instead, they feed plant pellets into machines which then shoot out mini Pikmin known in this stage as seedmin (which are closely related to semin). An alien then plucks it from the ground and instates it into slavery, separating them and assigning them tasks based on the color of their skin, just as god intended. Pikmin are made up of many different races, each having inherent strengths and weaknesses, their value is entirely determined by this, just like real life! Their natural predators are the Twelve Olympians of Greek Mythology and their sole purpose is to be the sacrifices to the gods. People used to use them as drug references in the fight to legalize marijuana, but after four games being made about them, they are now represented as "Those cute lil plant thingies from space". After living a total of thirty two days they will blow up, any remains of pikmin in the bigger things' poop will also blow up. This is very painful and may send you to the hospital if they aren't out of your system in time (the narcotic version of "Pikmin" will not do this.) Pikmin are obsessed with dandori, which is the Japanese word for the concept of planning and executing said plan with maximum efficiency, Miyamoto learned this principle through figuring out how to best pass the crack pipe he was smoking when he came up with bulbmin.
Appearances and growth
Pikmin resemble emaciated pointy little people, due to their uniquely low polygon count. Presumably this evolutionary miracle allowed for the existence of up to one hundred Pikmin at a time in a given habitat.
Pikmin are born as prenatal gobs of color called Seeds, which are forcibly yanked from the sweet womb of the soil. Each Pikmin has a leaf, a bud, or a tumor on its head, indicating how long it spent alone in the dirt, thinking about illicit drug use. There have been reports of other marijuana-related icons on heads including pipes, bongs, and Tommy Chongs, but you have to wait a really long time before you pluck them.
There are ten species of Pikmin, each aligned to a medieval European state. The Red Pikmin are aligned with the Huns, the Blue with the Holy Roman Empire, the Yellow with the British, the Purple with the Impressionists, the White with Sodium Fluoride, the Bulbmin with the First Bulgarian Empire, the Rocks with Holland, the Wings with Al Queda, the Ice with the Second Bulgarian Empire, and The Glow with Daft Punk. They are also unique in that despite being created by a Japanese company, their race was not considered to be part of an interspecies/alien/monster porn cartoon unlike the rest of the game's animals.
Types of Pikmin
Red Pikmin - known for smelling, throwing virgins into fires, arson, drowning, posing as Goethe, and reproducing.
Blue Pikmin - known for breathing, swimming, eating swimmers, dying more often than other Pikmin, thinking he is Michael Phelps, and reproducing.
Yellow Pikmin - known for hearing, recklessly handling explosives, drowning, being a cheap alternative to copper wire, playing basketball, jumping, squatting or something, and reproducing.
Purple Pikmin - known for hairing, Snorlax, Your Mom, nikacado avocado, frequent visits to McDonalds, drowning, being American, squashing, being slow, playing large amounts of World of Warcraft, and reproducing.
Bulbmin - known for being discriminated against, having parents, being completely abandoned as something miyamoto thought of while doing multiple illicit substances, and not reproducing.
White Pikmin - known for abducting humans, causing poisoning, containing chemicals classified by the State of California to cause birth defects, cancer, blinding, choking, AIDS, herpes, Alzheimer's disease, malaria, tuberculosis, drowning, getting eaten, oppressing minorities, being small and weak but only sometimes, and reproducing.
Ice Pikmin - known for freezing things, drowning but only when not in water, making blues even more obsolete, knowing what's cooler than being cool, being completely busted, and reproducing.
Rock Pikmin - known for breaking things, drowning, grabbing things but only sometimes, it's about drive, it's about power, we stay hungry, we devour, not being crushed but only sometimes, not being stabbed but only sometimes, and reproducing.
Winged Pikmin - known for flying, drowning but only sometimes, being small and weak, making blues mostly obsolete, making yellows mostly obsolete, making whites somewhat obsolete, doing barrel rolls, using the boost to get through, flying into the world trade center, and reproducing.
Glow Pikmin - known for making bulbmin obsolete despite them being banished, glowing, forming balls of cancer-causing radiation, dying but not really, being illegal outside the U.S., and reproducing but weird
Hunting and diet
Pikmin hunt in packs, like carrots, and use their hyper-evolved flagella to whip their prey into submission. If they have matured to a flower-like state, they become more aggressive, faster, more attractive, and receive more satisfaction from simple pleasures in life. Pikmin will attack creatures much larger than themselves if thrown in that direction.
While Pikmin have been known to collect a severed toe or tongue and take it to their Onion, there have not yet been reports of eating entire people. If they did manage to fell a human and carry it to their Onion, there is no doubt it would be worth at least 1500 Sperms, I mean Seeds. It would also be a horrific new nightmare for thousands of children, and a pleasure for all of you pedophiles out there, that's right I am looking at you.
Reproduction
Pikmin reproduce within the safety of a domicile known as an Onion. Pikmin bring recently felled prey to an Onion, which sucks it in and begins spewing Pikmin Seeds from a flower at its top. It is uncertain why food causes Pikmin to reproduce but it is clear that some Pikmin inside the Onion are definitely screwing while eating. As disgusting as this meat-orgy concept is, researchers continue to publish fanfics based around it, the reason why is still unknown.
Hybrids
It has been often claimed that one anonymous captain was able to enter an Onion by faking his own death. The Pikmin carried him into the Onion, where he proceeded to participate in the mating of Pikmin. He never came out, and is presumably having a good time, or was eaten. A hybrid Pikmin seed was produced and planted, but only brief video footage of the event existed and no one had ever seen the creature mature. The hybrid is probably sterile, like the tigon or the zeedonk. Recent findings have shed new light on the hybrid phenomenon, showing that hybrids are able to sacrifice other travelers to the meat orgy, thereby producing more. Hybrids can be returned to normal through a process known as deflowering, people say it hurts the first time.
Relationship with humans
Pikmin were first documented in the wild by Shigeru Miyamoto, who recorded his findings in a documentary video game called Pokémon (2001). The game was a commercial failure due to Miyamoto’s refusal to portray the Pikmin meat-orgy, which had captured the public's imagination, and because it had some kind of giant strawberry thing on the cover. Nevertheless, Miyamoto produced a sequel game three years later called Pokemon 2: Mystery Dungeon, based on more of his findings, featuring a graphic depiction of the Pikmin mating ritual, and better controls. This game was a commercial failure due to its too-graphic depiction of the Pikmin eating ritual. Pokemon 3: Ranger was released many years later, and faced the problem of being on the Wii U, another decision Miyamoto made while intoxicated. Then Miyamoto made a spin off called Pacman: Hey You Pikachu, everyone collectively shit on it, because it was a spin off. When Miyamoto finally dropped Jesse Pinkman 4, it made the rabid fanbase calm down for a total of 2 seconds before immediately returning to their feral nature.
In captivity
If you want, you can teach Pikmin to do a funny dance! Red, Yellow, Purple, White, Rock, or Winged Pikmin will begin dancing and singing happily if thrown into pools of water. They will dance for a few seconds, before bowing and ending their song joyfully. They will dance so hard that they go to sleep! You can see them ascending to dreamland as a lightly colored wisp. Blue Pikmin will only dance in fire, however.
Population and conservation status
Pikmin have been the source of much controversy ever since the U.S. President Frederal Delanorge Reaganstonvelt refused to add them to the endangered species list in 2006. While numerous readings have suggested the total population of Pikmin in the wild as no more than 100, other reports say that this cannot possibly be true, because you can always go to the Onion and get more.
As food and medicine
It’s clear that Pikmin are very tasty. They probably taste like carrots. Try the white ones!
