Finger Cancer
Finger Cancer is a leading cause of premature death among people who die of hand related diseases. Finger Cancer is prevalent in the entire animal kingdom. The dinosaurs got Finger Cancer all the time and even mushrooms suffer the disease (especially in winter). Right now, at least one human being has Finger Cancer this very moment right now. Victims are always young healthy men who dress well and know how to smile for the camera. Finger Cancer is a silent cancer meaning the cancer is unable to communicate verbally; instead it interacts with the host by infecting the skin of the finger with toxic carcinogens instead of having an open dialogue and a sincere conversation.
There is no cure for Finger Cancer, though some traditional healers claim that rubbing cayenne into one's eyeballs while chugging Frog Semen® helped cure at least one cancer patient according to a Mexican soap-opera. The only proven treatment for Finger Cancer is amputation. All fingers and toes have to go whether they are infected or not – it's either every digit lobbed from the body or the frog semen.
Doctors forget to screen for Finger Cancer and may refuse to do mani-smears. While one is more likely to die from a freak poodle-dump-truck-peanut-butter catastrophe than get Finger Cancer, its statistical unlikelihood doesn't mean no one should not get tested. The tragedy of Finger Cancer is that people find the idea of it all-comical even though there is absolutely nothing funny about it. Finger Cancer is not funny at all. So stop laughing.
History
In the Stone Age, family members held a sacred respect for those who died of Finger Cancer. Instead of cooking and eating their dead remains, cavemen offered their cancer infected bodies as a sacrifice to one of their divinities. This act had the unknown but beneficial bonus of minimising food poisoning as well as contributing to the aversion of the wrath of their gods.
Leonardo da Vinci contracted Finger Cancer hours before he died of old age. He left his art, sketches and alchemy formulae to his family. One formula was the cure for Finger Cancer written seconds before he stopped breathing. His wife used the paper it was written on to line her cookie jar and it was never seen again. Finger Cancer is a terrible disease that is simply not funny, even if its cure was lost as a pastry wrapping by a careless female.
A couple of famous people live with Finger Cancer including a washed-up actor who was in an episode of Three's Company Too and Sandra Stoneburg, a professional Sudoku solver. Each year they raise over $3,000 at their annual Finger Cancer Awareness typewriting marathon. After expenses are taken into account the remaining $10 is donated to finger prosthetic advancement research.
Physiology
Finger Cancer begins once a finger is inundated by general-cancer that enters the finger at the ideal moment of cancer entry. The finger is immediately cancerfied by a small amount of cancer which localises itself into cells which are most deserving of cancer (often under a fingernail). It rapidly spreads to the fingerprints and knuckles. Some doctors believe knuckle cancer is a cancer of its own, though others believe that cancers of the knuckle and finger are two forms of the same vicious malignancy. Once the disease attacks the victim's "finger DNA" the patient will feel a slight sensation of unbearable agony. Now, there is no hope as the Finger Cancer has spread to its matching finger on the other hand and matching toes. Once any of the pinkies is infected, patients will have one afternoon to come to terms with their death before they die.
Finger Cancer is known as a type B cancer, which means the cancer itself is radioactive. Cells inside the finger are agitated by random microwaves emitted by the sun which signal cancer eggs throughout the body to become Finger Cancer. Much like nipple cancer, the cancer infects skin cells making them explode. Each little bit of explosion debris infects other cells. Because the cell is so small, a patient cannot sense the explosions, even though they are reckless and ungodly. The process continues and speeds up until the rate of re-generation approaches the speed of light. At this point a victim kisses his loved ones goodbye and shares a glass of water as their throats are usually dry.
Larger mammals with Finger Cancer face the same fate. Their family will abandon them once their hands begin to swell. The suffering animal doesn't mind as it doesn't want to feel like a burden to loved ones. Cats and dogs do not contract Finger Cancer as they have claws and not fingers. Kitty tail and puppy tail cancer is remarkably similar to Finger Cancer. Tail cancer, however, is not fatal and can easily be treated by chewing on steak bones or licking tuna out of an open can.
Education
In some countries, Finger Cancer awareness is national policy. Children are given mani-smears every five years (doctors remove 5% of the patient's finger in a medium-painful procedure) to screen for skin cancer. Most Scandinavians cannot pinky swear or play thumb wars due to the missing top part of the finger. In North America nearly two people per million die each century from preventable Finger Cancer compared to 0.1 persons in Sweden and Iceland. Norway publishes the quarterly journal "The Oslo Journal of Finger and Male Nipple Cancer Pharmacology" which is Norway's best illustrated, most stylistically beautiful and most-quoted publication. Sandra Stoneburg looks forward to every issue as it always contains a very challenging sudoku. The Journal of Finger and Male Nipple Cancer Pharmacology's Sudoku is considered one of the most difficult sudokus in any scholarly publication world wide.
Finger Cancer counseling
Most Finger Cancer victims learn of their fate when it's too late to save their fingers and toes and brain activity. Counselors are on call to help family members prepare for the funeral. In the UK, family members of Finger Cancer victims get two weeks paid sick holiday and the NHS flies in Finger Cancer specialists from Sweden to offer psychological support and to take care of light kitchen duties. A mother watches her child practise the piano one day and closes the coffin the next. Counsellors scout the home for little reminders of their lost loved one by wiping fingerprints from windows and collecting finger nail clippings stuck in the carpets. Swedish counsellors are the best at helping those whose lives have been shattered by digital cancer.
Issues in the field of Finger Cancer
Fake Finger Cancer
False diagnoses of Finger Cancer is common, realised after amputation. Doctors make poor judgement calls including the removal of thumbs due to what was simply damaged fingers by very large splinters or finger nail fungus. Some people pretend to have Finger Cancer so they can get off going to work. This is considered uncouth in most countries as it isn't funny to pretend you have cancer when you don't, especially if it's Finger Cancer. You might be laughing about it right now, but Finger Cancer victims don't laugh when you have bad luck.
Alligators and Finger Cancer
Alligators often have problems with sensitive finger joints and may not realise they actually have Finger Cancer. Few veterinarians diagnose Finger Cancer properly which is a shame as alligators get infected and die even faster than humans do. The following test can be conducted by any aligator on their own in any swamp:
- Examine the hand and look for any abnormalities
- Wiggle each finger and check for lack of muscle control
- Snatch and eat any beavers swimming by
- Crack each knuckle and check for any fingers falling off
- Regurgitate the beaver and chew on it a little more
Treatment in the USA
Finger Cancer treatment is not covered by health insurance in the US and must be treated abroad, paid for in full. Private clinics in Switzerland offer deferred payment schemes with low interest and ones house as collateral. Americans are rumoured to travel to Canada or Cuba to get free Finger Cancer or Male Nipple Cancer treatment however once treated by a socialist medicare system, their corpse may not return to American soil.
Finger Cancer might be pretty hilarious but it's very rude to laugh at individuals who have Finger Cancer. Laughing at them cheapens their grotesque death. Everyone who dies of Finger Cancer is a hero, and one should never laugh at a hero.
Remember to have a loved one check for bumps on your finger every ten years and insist that your doctor give you a mani-smear as often as possible. You may lose 10% of a finger every time you get a mani-smere but you will be reunited with it in the after life. That afterlife will be a long time coming if you catch the early signs of Finger Cancer before Finger Cancer catches you.
