File 8AO4F: The God Case
Warning: The documents contained herein are of a confidential, classified nature, hence the large red stamp to be found atop
this passage. They have been classified according to Provision 401q of the Super-secret Document Protection Act of 1965.
That means that not even Greg from accounting is allowed to view the observations, inferences, quibbles, and miscellanea
contained in the aforementioned documents. Gives you some perspective, doesn't it? Therefore and thus, someone thinking
about, considering, and/or about to open this manila folder in which these documents are contained is subject to torture by
unpleasant bodily means at an undisclosed location. Oops, it's already open. Oh well, no crime there.
Records of Dr. Sid Guatamano, confiscated postmortem
Patient admitted. Gives name as GODDARD OBADIAH DUTRONYM, herein referred to as GOD. Claims
"visions" and an array of other problems. Analysis: Seemingly lucid state, good physical
condition (see attached DOCUMENT 1A), blond hair, blue eyes (possibly Jewish?), must be a hit
with the ladies. Preliminary diagnosis: CHRONIC CRAZINESS SYNDROME. Admitting for psychiatric screening and profile.
Diagnosis slightly altered, as follows:
*GOD suffers primarily from DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER. Claims to be inhabited by over 150 distinct personalities of all different ethnic origins (☺♫☼♣, , among others, unknown ethnic origin). Suggestive of being beaten with large blunt object as child. Will explore possibility at later date.
*GOD also suffers from POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER triggered by the death of his son, PRE-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER triggered by the imminent "second coming" of said son, RAGE induced by the failure of his "millions of followers" to acknowledge him, and MILD SOCIOPATHIC TENDENCIES rendering him unable to differentiate fantasy from reality.
*GOD also is enraptured with SHINY OBJECTS, enjoys LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, and has a penchant for TEA at noon. Freak. (see attached DOCUMENT 2J)
Transferred to funny farm for extended surveillance. Sedated with Grade C horse tranquilizer of uncertain Eastern European descent. Note to self: send thank-you note to Grace for those; also, must use before expiration is six months past (3 weeks left). Suggested remedy: indefinite solitary confinement, without straitjacket, Barbra Streisand music once a week to accelerate recovery.
GOD has fallen into a state of catatonia, prognosis negative (DOCUMENT 1X). Note to self: strike that thank-you to Grace. What was she thinking, giving me those? For shame.
It is my birthday. Truly a droll day to be <AGE REMOVED>. Hopefully things will settle down and get back to normal down there. Several patients admitted for screening, none as intriguing as GOD. GOD was truly a special case, and now that he's gone I miss him. Recently I've taken to going to his bedside and throwing slaughtered goats at him in an effort to wake him up. The spattered blood frightens the nurses, but screw them. I'm a doctor. Job has become incredibly dull. Suicide appears imminent.
GOD continues to be in a vegetative state, despite my best efforts (and the lives of several dozen kids) to stir him awake. Apparently, some character who calls himself ABRAHAM has been in to see GOD when I'm not around, along with several hundred of his (ABRAHAM's) followers. Fucking cults, always wrecking the lives of normal people. Can't they just leave well enough alone? Anyway, ABRAHAM has been doing some pretty shady things, signing contracts with GOD while he's a useless blob, "helping" his hand because GOD is in a fucking coma! Enough to make me want to scream.
GOD has come out of the coma. First words: "Stop throwing dead animals at me, you cunt." Second words, in a completely different, Indian-accented voice: "Be at peace. Hummmm." Fear that he was in another vegetative state passed when a third, angry, and vaguely sophomoric voice stated bluntly: "I don't exist." Diagnosis: TOO MUCH CRACK; possibly A HIPPIE. Alternately, nihilism caused by CHRONIC DEPRESSION. Either prospect exciting - looking forward to exploring.
The following observations were made during session number two (transcript: DOCUMENT 2F):
*Mood swings, sometimes switching between three distinct moods within 5 seconds: suggestive of PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME or aforementioned DEPRESSION.
*Extreme benevolence in times of good nature; once gave a homeless person a full $2 on the street. Sappiness suggestive of cushy upbringing leading to SYMPATHY MISPLACEMENT SYNDROME. Conversely, GOD can get really pissed, once sending someone to infiltrate a cult and slit the throats of all 450 members. *****RAGE***** *NARCISSISM previously thought improbable, with one personality proclaiming "I AM WHO AM!" over and over again. **Of note** - sighting of an oddly placed fig tree outside the office humbled him. Perhaps sexually attracted to trees? Explore.
The practice has been besieged by people of all nationalities calling for GOD, incredibly by nearly all of his personalities. Teenagers and stoners even found a way to pronounce . South Asian people have a slew of names for him: Vishnu, Siva, Brahma, etc. Also saw Donald Trump there, calling GOD at different times AVARICE or TAUPE TOUPEÉ COMPANY. Everyone has their own GOD. To me, he's a fascinating psychiatric study.
Notes for session three:
Received grant from SON OF MAN FOUNDATION to give GOD the utmost in good care, with the condition that only they be allowed to see him ever. Money deposited, request sent to Human Resources. They get the headache, I get the Ferrari. Good deal.
My home was vandalized, as well as the practice. A PLUS SIGN (+) was spray-painted onto both my garage door and the practice's parking lot. In the latter location, some hoodlums also painted a moon next to it, with a gun shooting at the plus sign out of the moon's crest. A third mark was made here, "BOOM! ALLAH!", as well. I relayed this to GOD, and he shuddered. He then said "I am Allah." He then started spitting at me. I don't think I like ALLAH much. Will not familiarize with this personality; ***AVOID***
While I was with GOD, tending to his many problems, he closed his eyes and refused to talk to me. Like a petulant child. He called me a POOPYHEAD. As I was leaving, an angry young man ran into the room, yelled "YOU DON'T EXIST! YOU'RE NOT HERE! YOU'RE JUST NOT!", farted through a lighter, setting my cloak on fire, and jumped out of the one-story window into the large and angry crowd of worshipers. When I put out the fire, GOD requested the burnt cloak. He laid it onto himself and bore several revelations to me, to be discussed in next section. I can't wait to bill his insurance company.
After sessions 4-9 have been completed (Documents 2B-2E), the following progress has been made:
*GOD is unable to remain on one train of thought for more than five minutes, even when in the same personality. At times changes his subject mid-sentence, and sometimes says his words out of order. Too many diagnoses in such a short period of time to merit another. Applying blanket diagnosis: ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.
*GOD excels in speaking in metaphor, to the point where what he's saying makes little to no sense. GOD also expects you to make several assumptions when interpreting his nonsense. Also also, he talks like a knight. Example: "A great day shall henceforth arrive, wherein the great shall be weak, and I shall be I." Translation: "I want pizza for lunch today. Please don't give me that shit that tastes like extruded horse feces again." Diagnosis: PRETENTIOUS SNOBBISHNESS. Possibly European?
*GOD has little to no sense of humor, possibly caused by SOCIOPATHIC TENDENCIES mentioned earlier. The only thing that garnered a response was a "Priest and a Rabbi" joke, to which he chuckled: "So naïve." Prodding yielded no further comment. Discuss.
In the past two weeks, the following disturbances have been reported and/or witnessed: *2/5/08 - Well known author PHILLIP PULLMAN apprehended while trying to kill GOD.
*2/6/08 - Celebrities TOM CRUISE, JOHN TRAVOLTA, others, attempt to pay GOD to tell them "what XENU did next."
*2/8/08 - Seventeen Muslims and eighteen white people of varying nationality (Southern US, Italian, others) arrested for assault against each other. Reasons unknown. Anger remains among sects.
*2/11/08 - Massive riot breaks out on great lawn when SON OF MAN FOUNDATION spokesman obtains megaphone and shouts to them that they are never to see GOD without their consent. Continues to present. Unable to leave practice.
No recent breakthroughs with GOD after the Revelation of 2/6. Beginning to feel despairing; GOD has retreated into himself like when I go into cold water. He has gotten more and more somber with each passing day.
GOD placed on suicide watch. I am very depressed, like when Dr. McDreamy and Meredith Gray slept together and then hated each other. I will go to see DR. FREDRICK ALLAN soon to treat myself.
ENTRIES FROM 2/20/08-2/29/08 PERTAINING SOLELY TO GUATAMANO'S PROGRESS WITH DR. ALLAN MOVED TO DOCUMENT 1H. IT MAKES THIS FILE MORE MANAGEABLE, AND FRANKLY THEY'RE FUCKING BORING. ONLY PERTINENT INFORMATION IS THAT THE RIOT ENDED ON 2/21/08
Wow! What a great nine days! So much happened! I can't believe that chick could fit all of those....wow! And, by the way, that "Fountain of Youth" is a fountain of SUCK! What a waste of money. Surely those were the funniest days of my life. But back to the old grind, I was contacted by the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION. They wired another substantial sum of money they say was donated by charitable members. This is the fifth donation they've made to us, yet they've shown no interest in actually seeing GOD. Whatever. As long I keep getting paid, they can keep their lease. He doesn't seem to mind, though that could be because I didn't tell him. Plus, he's being all pissy anyway, so, as the kids say....meh.
Received a telegram (...?) from the OTHER SON OF MAN FOUNDATION (the one that apparently came first, but got superceded by the other) claiming that they too "want in on GOD". Also received:
*Fruit basket from the HOLLYWOOD SCIENCE CLUB, along with a subpoena conditional on their request to see "Elron" being filled.
*Photo albums of various homosexual weddings from SUPER-DUPER!, a subset of GLAAD, to "rub in GOD's face." I can only assume they want him to get papercuts. Used as fuel for the furnace.
*Christmas card that was routed through the Italian postal service. As above.
*Several copies of REDBOOK. Placed in bathroom for further use.
*A mysterious note of taped-together letters informing me that something big was going on, and that I would learn more in a few days. It's final words left me curious: "You will soon be begging for mercy. Signed, Gerard Hutler (14598675309)."
Some men came today claiming to be members of the government. They said something big was going on, something inexplicable. Apparently the droves of people outside have one thing in common: they are all enemies of the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION. They form a group known as the UP YOURS SON OF MAN FOUNDATION FOUNDATION, and participate in ceremonies that are in direct contradiction to their enemy's.
So I was right. They're all fucking cults. They do some crazy shit, they eat a human being's body (the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION, that is), they yell at their members and belittle them until they submit to their will (the UP YOURS SON OF MAN FOUNDATION FOUNDATION, that is), it's all very bizarre. They say that GOD is the center of it all. Then they left in a mysterious cloud of tear gas, and I just woke up and wrote all this down now.
GOD is a danger to himself and others, now more than ever. I need some scotch.
A dossier of GOD's various maladies, disorders, and bitchings was requested by the US government:
DOSSIER REMOVED AND RELOCATED TO DOCUMENT 1Z. WHY Z? WHY NOT Z? IT'S A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE LETTER! SURE, D IS BETTER, BUT Z IS JUST FINE.
The SON OF MAN FOUNDATION finally got arsed to see the GOD that has caused so much trouble. They brought in some palm leaves to fan him with, because they'd heard that he'd been breaking out in flop sweats of late. How did they know that? The first record I made of it was in the dossier. Anyway, GOD seemed to like being fanned, though he kept saying "It can't last forever." There's that NIHILISM again. I'm really getting distressed. I don't seem to be making any progress. Damn it, why can't GOD make some effort sometimes?
I opened the doors of the practice to all who wish to see GOD about an hour ago. I decided that it made no sense to make all of these people who were actually trying to see him wait while the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION sat around paying me to stop them. Plus, the UP YOURS SON OF MAN FOUNDATION FOUNDATION sent me an even more sizable check, and all's fair in love and war. And money. Looks like that stripper's gonna have her hands full tonight!
Fuck. The US government took all the people. Every one of them. They must've had some Hummers or something, because there were more than I could count on my hands, toes, AND individual bones. That's a lot. They were at GOD's side, and then they were gone. They said we'd pay. Funny, because the more I think about it, the more it seems they're paying us.
GOD told me one final thing, though it didn't really tell me much that I didn't already know. He said "Gregarious and precocious child, my time is drawing nigh." By my translation, he meant "I like this Jell-O. You should eat it sometime." The resigned sound of his voice drained what little hope I had left. Suicide seems imminent. Too bad I like extramarital sex so much, otherwise I'd get the hell out of this world.
GOD has begun to blather on about nothing. Delirium has forced the Barbra Streisand music to be upped to "continuous" and a straitjacket to be worn at all times. Same sedatives that were used to transfer him to the ward applied again. Note to self: Send Grace a thank-you note, dammit!
Oops. God's in a coma again. Fucking Grace and her uncertain Eastern Europe!
GOD is dead. And not in the way that Paul McCartney or Elvis were dead. GOD is dead like Marilyn Monroe, or JFK...really dead. Here's what happened:
The doors of the practice were still open to anyone who wanted to come to see GOD, including the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION. Their president came in and said he wanted to be alone with GOD. Then he explained that GOD is his father, and the one who established the foundation in the first place. He wanted to explain to his father, GOD, that the foundation was going through rough times and that they needed him to pull through.
I obliged him, and he stayed in there for an awfully long time. Who knows what they said, but when I went in to let him know that visiting hours were over, I overheard him say "I'm sorry, dude. You're too powerful, you're undermining us." Then he blew up. I can only assume he was part Bomber Man, because there was shit flying everywhere. When the dust settled, GOD was gone. So, obviously, was the SON OF MAN FOUNDATION guy.
What a waste! All of that hard work, all of those long hours agonizing over this, the most dangerous case of MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES and SCHIZOPHRENIA I ever encountered, for NOTHING!
At least I still have the money.
I feel a lot better now. I realized that GOD was more important in my mind because I wanted him to be, not because he was. He was just like all of my other patients: dangerously unstable, unaware of that fact, and predisposed toward soiling himself because he knew he could. This will be the last record I write of GOD before I file it away.
I think I saw GOD today. It could have been the hash or the crystal meth, but something tells me it was actually GOD. He came to me, and he said "Therefore, thus, it is thenceforth done, and shall hitherto never be discussed again." I couldn't make out what that meant, but it seemed like it was something more than his typical 'I like food' spiel. Regardless, I'll just remember him as he was, and make sure that if anyone as dangerously unstable as that comes into my life again, I ship him or her off to Human Resources. I'll take the Ferrari any day.
STATUS OF DR. GUATAMANO: DIED IN AN UNFORTUNATE BEING-SHOT-POINT-BLANK-BY-THE-GOVERNMENT ACCIDENT.
Warning: The preceding document was (and is) property of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and if you weren't classified to view it you are hereby ordered to extricate your brain from your skull using a small button hook. Failing that, you will be subject to the same punishment promised above by Provision 401q of the Supersecret Document Protection Act. Ha ha. You thought you got away with it, too.