Why?:Put Down the Duckie?
A rubber duckie is everyone's perfect companion. Unlike most pets, it does not require to be housebroken, it needs not to take a walk frequently, it has no specific diet, and quite unlike the pet rock (which also operates on these selling points), it has the ability to make joyful noises to indicate its appreciation for its adoption.
Quite sadly, everything has its downside. Even a rubber duck is imperfect in some ways. Most of these are not notable and thus have no place in a respectful encyclopedia. However, one notable incident has been documented and, therefore, can be freely talked about. It's a depressing fact, for some, and an awakening for rubber duck lovers everywhere: One cannot play the saxophone whilst simultaneously holding a rubber duck.[citation needed]
For those who cannot, for whatever reason, understand why they must part with their duck on these tricky occasions, read on.
Admitting You Have a Problem
The first step in understanding why you must free yourself of this small rubbery yellow prison is to admit that you, reader, have a problem. In fact, you may have several. But, whether you have lots of problems or only a few, it can be difficult to say to yourself, "I cannot let go of my rubber duck."
"I Can Quit Anytime I Like."
This in itself is a warning sign. People who say they can quit anytime they like probably can't. If you find yourself unable to use your cell phone in the car because your spare hand is occupied by a rubber duck, it is likely you cannot stop. If you find yourself reaching for your small ducky companion when your girl leaves you, it is likely you see the duck as an attachment. If you find yourself taking your duck to work, and particularly if you are a lawyer and people take you less seriously than usual because of the small yellow object on your desk, you may have a rubber duckie issue.
"I Was Only Trying It Once."
You might say this, but you know in your heart that it is a falsehood. Likely you have dreams at night in which you wake up in a cold sweat, clutching a lump in your covers as if it were your squeaky friend. Those nightmares about yellow ducks being run over by buses, slaughtered in their very own bathrooms, and sat on by obese people — these are not coincidences, my friend. And the more you try to defend yourself, the more you want that duck, need that duck.
"It's Not Hurting Anyone."
Sure, it's not. That's why all of your relatives seem to look anywhere but at the rubber duck in your hand during family gatherings. Ever notice, perhaps, a group of people whispering and pointing at you from afar? No, they're not talking about you. They're talking about the duck. Even if you don't think anyone is being hurt directly, consider your rubber companion and all of the quips behind your back about it. If anyone is getting hurt, it's the duck. Please, think of the duck, and admit you have a problem. Even rubber ducks need their alone time.
Examining the Problem
Now that you've given yourself a good look and you realize you have a problem, let us look closer at it. Why, exactly, is the duck a problem? Surely you, as a human being, can multi-task. After all, it's highly likely you can chew gum and walk at the same time, so why not try to operate heavy machinery while squeaking your duck?
If you can muster up the willpower to put down the duckie, you will:
- Feel better about yourself. Not everyone can let go of their closest friends, unless they were particularly annoying and hanging over a cliff anyway.
- Look better. Clearly. Yellow is not the new black this season. For that matter, you'll spend less time figuring out what you want to wear so as to compliment the yellow-and-orange scheme your duckie always seems to be so fond of.
- Lose weight. About a tenth of a pound, or so.
- Get results. Particularly if your replacement for the duckie is a weapon. You don't look very threatening with a duckie. You can look very threatening with an ice pick.
- Earn money. Probably. If you want to continue to survive, that is.
- Make more friends. Friends don't let friends drive with a duckie in their hand. Hence why you've lost all of them over the years. Either that or because you were a weirdo.
- Get the girls. Put down the duckie, pick up the chicks. It's that simple.
The benefits are endless, including, but not limited to, playing the saxophone.[citation needed]
The Saxophone-Duckie Dilemma
| Sax | No Sax | |
|---|---|---|
| Duckie | -(infinity + 1) | +WTF, +Chihuahua |
| No Duckie | +happy, >good | -pie and 3 hit points |
The first documented case of a rubber duckie causing excess stress for its owner instead of relieving it with a friendly squeak stems from what duck enthusiasts now call the Saxophone-Duckie Dilemma. Because, seriously, folks, we know you won't believe us until we pull scientific evidence out from somewhere on the Internet.
As the chart on the right shows, the choice is clear: For true happiness, one must put down the duckie if one wishes to play the saxophone. So, in at least one case, the duckie must be set aside, albeit temporarily, for a greater good. Hopefully by now you can look at the Big Picture and see that, in the grand scheme of things, your duckie is not significant. To achieve your goals, you, too, must put down your duckie.
Coping
Coping is difficult. Here are some tried-and-tested methods that resulted in the least suicides and/or strokes.
Strength in Numbers
Please remember that it helps to have peers remind you repeatedly of your goal, in song form, if necessary. Music calms the savage beast. Hopefully it will do you some good, too.
Replacements
Some people have found it comforting to have something else in their hands besides the duckie they so long for. Note that we strongly discourage sharp objects, as by this point you may find yourself to be volatile, foaming at the mouth, having murderous thoughts, or otherwise inconvenienced. These symptoms may point to a slight instability in the mind.
Getting a Life
While not highly recommended, getting a life may help you forget about your duckie obsession. Talk to your doctor to see if this treatment is right for you.
Remember
You need not get rid of your yellow companion forever! At times you need only to put it down for a temporary period. Please note that it is unnecessary to attempt to launch it into space flight, flush it into the sewage system, or any other permanent elimination solutions.
Remember also, this is only a guideline. In the end, only you and your duckie can decide what is right for both of you. Because we don't care about solving your problem, really, we just want to convince you you're barking mad. Solving stuff is for HowTo's to take care of.
Notes
Alternatively, "put down the duckie" can relate to the euthanization of waterfowl, but this meaning has fallen out of use these days.
References
- Put Down the Duckie — One famous patient's video log.
