Memory fading? Husband dead? Kids ungrateful layabouts? What you need, madam, are commemorative plates. Or as we at the Uncyclopedia Mint like to call them, 'Porcelain Happiness Treasures'. A commemorative plate is a friend that will last a lifetime, madam. A friend that will always be there for you. Unlike your snot-nosed grandchildren. They don't respect you, madam. All they see in you is a cash machine to buy the latest Playstation 360 or Grand Theft Bismark. They don't understand the important things in life, madam. Things like happiness, nostalgia and commemorative plates.
Getting started with plates
It's not always an easy decision to start collecting plates, madam. You do need to have good taste, steely determination and an eye for quality. Do you possess these qualities, madam? Not everybody does. Not everybody is able to dream the dream of commemorative plates.
Deciding which plate to buy first can be a daunting challenge, madam. Some collectors may aim to collect plates going by a theme, for example cats or patriotism. Strictly for amateurs, madam. Real professionals collect as many plates as they can. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Are you in, or are you out, madam? All that money sitting in your mattress, madam. It won't spend itself. Do you really want them to have it? They'll just waste it. They've never cared for you, madam. Never.
Commemorative plates can take up a lot of space. Oh, you could just stick them on the mantlepiece and be done with it, but that would never do. Our plates are works of art, madam. If you owned the Mona Lisa, would you just 'hang it somewhere'? We think not. The best option is to have a room converted into a platarium (literally 'a room for plates'). The spare bedroom, perhaps. Or the sitting room. You can sit anywhere, after all. We at the Uncyclopedia Mint will be happy to convert an existing room into your very own platarium for your growing collection of plates.
If you are cheapskate and a miser, then perhaps you would rather just get a presentation cabinet, madam? If so, then don't worry! We also stock a wide range of plate cabinets, ranging from the eighty-plate 'Beginner' to the three thousand-plate 'Behemoth'. All our cabinets come with climate controls, keeping your plates snug and warm during the winter and cool during the summer. Our plates can be very sensitive to temperature change (this is a sign of good quality), and you can't be too careful, can you, madam? Our cabinets also dispense order forms for more plates, and even automatically order new plates online. Just like that, madam! No hassle, no mess, no fuss. To cancel the automated ordering, all you have to do is phone our St Petersburg office between 2pm and 4.30pm on Tuesday, citing your name, order number (printed on the posting slip), postal number (printed on the order slip), social security number, and cabinet number (printed on the base of the cabinet). It couldn't be easier, madam.
Advanced plate collecting
In order to keep your plates in showroom condition, you will need to rub them down with Uncyclopedia Mint Plate Polish. Every day. Without fail, madam. Remember, it's better to use too much polish than too little. Much better. We will calculate the amount you need and send it to you via special delivery. To cancel this (and all but guarantee the destruction of your plates), simply appear in person at our Jakarta office on Christmas Day, bringing with you the blue copy of the dispatch note and the red copy of the Plate Polish agreement, along with a pencil. This will incur a early cancellation fee of what ever part of your soul your soul you do not already owe to Verizon
A climate-controlled platarium may be suitable for the starter commemorative plate collector, but for the hardcore collector, a greater level of protection is needed. A good start here is to collect three of every plate, keeping one for display, one in storage, and one held in a secret underground bunker. An subterranean plate store is a must for the serious plate collector. What if there was a nuclear war, madam? Your plates could be damaged.
All these services don't come for free, but the Uncyclopedia Mint doesn't believe in making a profit, just enough to cover our operating costs. We even give a certain amount to a charity of your choice, ranging from the Porcelain Trust, the Pottery Hardship Fund and the National Plate Association. Isn't that wonderful, madam? It's like giving to charity, only you get plates as well!
We are happy to accept a wide variety of payment methods, recognising the diversity of our customers financial arrangements. We accept cash, credit cards, cheques, family heirlooms and crumpled food vouchers. If you fall behind in your payments, you will... well, let's not talk about that, madam. That would spoil the mood.
Meet the artists
Luardo is a former Nigerian civil servant who had to flee the country with a large amount of legitimately acquired money. Luckily for Luardo, he was able to safely transfer the money via a helpful internet user (who was well rewarded). He now works in our London studio painting extremely fine, banknote-like details on our luxury range of plates.
Little Mahmoud is a fiesty little scamp who works with our Karachi plant. His job is to keep the kilns going, and he just loves scouring the local rubbish tips looking for anything that will burn. Toxic smoke and shattered limbs are no barrier to Mahmoud, and he enjoys his job so much that we don't have to pay him anything!
Stanley 'Knife' Ribson
Stanley, a reformed criminal, developed a reputation as an artist whilst in prison. When his manslaughter conviction was quashed on a technicality, we snapped him up! Stanley combines bold strokes and bright colours (mostly red) to produce dynamic and daring designs such as a kitten poking its head out of an old boot, or the disembodied heads of the cast of Sons and Daughters arranged in a circle. His work will be available in 25 years or a lifetime.
Opposition to plates
Sadly, not everyone really appreciates plates. Hard to believe, we know, madam. But they are there. There are some warning phrases which you should be aware of. These could be spoken by family, friends or bank managers.
- "Christ, it's freezing in here. Why don't you get the heating fixed?"
- "Sorry, no, I can't under the circumstances authorise another loan."
- "Where has all your furniture gone? And where have all these plates come from?"
- "Why have you got so many plates, granny? You never seem to eat anything."
If they question your love of plates, madam, there is only one option. Shut them out of your life. Forever. If they keep bothering you, phone our offices and we'll send someone round to politely and firmly explain your feelings, and tell them to stop. Don't go to the police. Seriously. Don't go to the fucking police.
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