UnNews:US Navy Follows in the Footsteps of the Marines

While allegedly “Hitting a sick drift” to avoid Houthi fire in the Red Sea, an F/A-18E Super Hornet has slid off the deck of the USS Harry S. Truman. This comes as a shocker to the pilot, who told UnNews “I was just trying to get some of that carrier canteen slop when my CO came up to me and started brutally beating my ass.”

The commanding officer in question, one Sergeant Major Dick, approached our UnNews reporter trying to leave the Truman, and proceeded to violently beat their ass as they didn’t want this reaching the public until CNN told about it. However, our UnNews reporter got this statement from the Major: “GET YOUR FILTHY ASS OFF MY DAMN CARRIER I DON’T CARE THAT I HAVE LITERALLY NO AUTHORITY HERE IT ISN’T MY FAULT THE HORNET WASN’T TIED DOWN.” Dick soon suffered a horrific aneurysm, upon learning that they can’t find the Hornet, seeing as they cant seem to locate the Red Sea.

Our reporter also grilled the Marine, Sgt. C. Muncher, while aboard the Truman. Muncher’s immediate response was to request crayons, which our reporter (ready for any military BS) quickly provided. Muncher apparently said something along the lines of “There’s not even any excuses for this one, they genuinely forgot to set a parking brake. At least we had the excuse of a malfunction, this one was just pure stupidity.” His response was hard to gather however, as it was broken up between bites of crayon.

UnNews is still awaiting more information, and as soon as we hear of it we can all giggle at how many taxpayer dollars the US misplaced once more

Sources

• "US Navy Loses $60M Jet At Sea After it Rolled Overboard" CNN, April 30th, 2025