UnNews:Emperor Palpatine not sure if Trump or Hillary worse
Monday, July 18, 2016
CORUSCANT — Palpatine, the undisputed Emperor of a galaxy far, far away, weighed in on the 2016 United States Presidential Election this morning. In an exclusive interview, he told UnNews that between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, he was not sure who to dislike more.
"In a billion aeons I never would have foreseen this," he stated via hologram, waving his hands to elevate a bottle of thick brown liquid and tip it into his mouth. "A man like Donald Trump in charge of Earth's greatest superpower? The world will self-destruct within a year while he jerks off to his Oval Office selfies. You cannot even seduce him to the Dark Side, because he only knows you exist when he needs you for something. His only side of the Force is the Trump Side."
He waved the bottle back into his mouth for five seconds, then waved it away. "And Hillary Clinton? She voted lockstep with George W. Bush, the weak-minded fool who got America into this mess in the first place. I loved his political tactics, but the common sense was not exactly strong in that one. Even the French knew that Iraq would fail. How could she have listened to him? She thought it would be good for her career, I suppose. I cannot turn her to the Dark Side either; she will switch back to the Light Side as soon as it is convenient for her."
He chugged a bit more of the brown liquid. "I am beginning to regret setting America up as a two-party system. Jill Stein, Lyndon LaRouche, Jar Jar Binks, a womp rat, Gary Johnson, any one of those would be a better choice than these two candidates. This is very unfortunate. American politics are important to me. How will I ever catch new episodes of Criminal Minds on my satellite dish if there is no America to produce it?"
At this point, a hologram of a high-ranking officer appeared in front of the Galactic Emperor. "My Emperor, Mr. Trump has chosen Mike Pence as his running mate."
"Mike Pence? Who the bloody Mustafar is Mike Pence?" The Emperor levitated the bottle and took another swig.
"The Governor of Indiana, my Emperor."
He spit the brown liquid out of his mouth. "What?! That Bible thumper? Oh my Plagueis. Why did you not prevent this?"
"I am sorry, my Emperor. I have failed you."
"Listen," said the Emperor to UnNews, "I have to go shoot lightning at this man. I do not know what to tell you, except that you all are doomed. I will have to influence Russia instead, or China, or India, or Brazil... anywhere but your Force-forsaken country. Communism seems to be on the rise again, so perhaps it is time to look for the next Darth Stalin."
Asked to comment on this election, Darth Vader could only respond with a deep, dramatic, and protracted, "Noooooooooo!!!!"
Source[edit | edit source]
- Kazimiera, "Billionaire Charles Koch: Trump-Hillary Is Like Voting 'Cancer Or Heart Attack'" Forbes, July 11, 2016.