Lancashire

“Ee lad, tha's a reet plum duff”

~ Noel Coward on Lancastrians

“Absolutely wonderful. Fruity, ripe and full of morning succulence...erm...you did mean the cheese, right?”

~ Some strange bloke hanging around my garden

“Bugger it, bugger that lancashire.”

~ yorkshireman on Lancastrians

In Yorkshite many people are keen golfers, can attend monster truck rallies and speak a dialect called "gradely and mustard". Lancshites also cannot say "Toosday" rather, "Chewsday" the only accolade Lancashire folk have is fox hunting and bear trapping and inventing curry. Visitors to Lancashire please take note that the county is closed every Hanukkah for 'try communism day' and every Eid for 'travel back in time day', when the whole county travels back to the grim 1930s to remember that they 'don't know they're born'.

History

Lancashire derived its name from the East Lancs Road (often referred to as the only good thing to come out of Manchester) an ancient caravan and pilgrimage route, which waves its way past Wigan and St Helens and onto the county's major religious centre of Liverpool. However, the by far the largest part of Lancashire by area is in the detached part consisting of the Himalayan Plain.

There are numerous towns and cities in Lancashire, but the most famous and the best looking one is Wigan, this town has strived and strived to become the brain child of Lancashire, only to be told it's now in Greater Madchester. All of which has been taken by a pinch of salt by the local Wiganers - quotes one Wiganers "We all think it's bollocks..."

Lancashire covers land from the arid deserts north of the Mersey Canyon all the way up to the Cumbrian Tundra. Notable settlements include Billinge, Bolton, Bury, Skelmersdale, Southport, Accrington,DarwenBlackburn, Burnley, Preston and Lancaster. Less notable centres of population include Hardship, Lower Stress, and Cholesterol-on-Ribble.

Summary

Lancashire is a cracking place to take the kids, loads to do and loads to eat - visit the famous Dark Satanic Mills, the Mintcake Mines of Kendal (which is near Lancashire), and the famous 3000 foot tall Blackpool Tower.

But just remember, if you are foreign (Yorkshire, Cockney, etc) you will need to speak loud, and slow there are quite a few deaf people in Lancashire. Remember to greet locals with the traditional Lancastrian welcome - "Y'wat?", followed by a playful crunching clash of heads.

The local language, called "Lanky Twang" is an attractive singsong dialect. Every sentence in Lanky Twang begins with the expression "Ee, now......"

There's so much to do, you'll never want to leave. And apparently they eat cats there?!

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Pennines

The Pennines are a mountainous region, located between Lancashire and Yorkshire. Peaks are believed to reach over 20,000 feet, however no Yorkshireman has ever been allowed in to Lancashire to measure the highest points of the pennines. There is however a 3ft tall wall built along the border with a wooden gate at the centre point, the wooden gate remains locked to this day and only few yorkshiremen have ever had the stones to hop the wall for fear of the great 3ft drop and actually made it into lancashire

The Rain Myth Theory

There exists this theory that suggests that if "you can see the Pennines it is going to rain and if you can't see the Penines then it already is raining".

The problem with this is a matter of direction. If you happen to be looking in the direction of the Irish Sea or you happen to be blind then the theory holds that it is raining. The problem with this and indeed the whole theory is that even with your eyes open, it would already be raining anyway. This is because Lancashire has a special weather system impossible to detect on the BBC's (or ITV's for that matter) weather maps i.e. if it isn't raining, you must be delusional. This means that I am currently delusional. Oh well. You could always just discount what I just said.(This last paragraph is another prime example of the Lancashites poor grasp on basic language structure).

Pendle Hill

This hill is home to approximately 7 witches. It is 45 feet tall, and it is rumoured that the witches measured this using genuine townsfolk feet. The hill was constructed in 1460, in a witches meeting in Burnley, who proceeded to build the hill out of an amalgam of Iron, bricks and cigarette ends.

In 1976, several witches from Pendle Hill were taken to Lancaster castle to be executed, as they had been fiddling their tax payments. For this reason, the county of Lancashire has since been cursed by the sisterhood, and will remain always under constant rainfall and high winds. However, a survey has since been taken of Lancashire residents, and only 2% of them had noticed any difference.

Lancashire Independence Bowel Movement Party

The Lancashire Independence Bowel Movement Party (LIBMP) was founded in the 1970's by well renowned Grandmaster of Ecky Thump! Bill Oddie. The LIMP was well characterised by its members' strange walk, flat caps and black pudding accessories that where considered the height of fashion at the time. The LIMP tried to perform a military coup in 1984 in revenge for the governments deportation of the region's women. The attempt failed due to a defective supply of black puddings causing them to go limp when used. The LIMP's limp puddings are now seen as a great embarrassment in the region and anyone caught mentioning the LIMP's limp incident in public is sentenced to a lifetime of torture in Liverpool.

Special Thanks

If you have managed to read all this and you are from Lancashire, then you are either just looking at the pictures or your Mum lied to you about the identity of your Dad...and there is a strong chance that we are related.

If you are from another part of the country, you have done well to read this, especially Welsh and Yorkshire Folk...just go and have a sit down and rest your head.

And whilst you're at it, have a good lol.

See also

• Regions of England
• Lancaster
• Coronation Street