Taunton
“I'm Not a Man.”
Taunton is a small smelly town situated by handy coincidence in the Vale of Taunton Deane. This can be found to the west of most places apart from the Republic of Cornwall and Devon. Due to its strange urge to escape from itself it was wedged between the Quantocks and the Mendips. The Quantocks consist of four Tocks that were stolen from Big Ben during the 1920s. The Mendips are a collection of rinsing pools for the local menfolk, as they are required by local people to be both glossy and tick free before descending on the town.
History[edit | edit source]
Taunton was invented by the Romans as they needed a place to funnel peasants through for spot check Scrumpy Searches during the Apple Prohibition era. This was know as a geat dark time and may explain the distrust of Romans still apparent today. This is also the true reason behind the towns name, for even today the evil humour that the locals used to deal with Apple Friskings is still strong, one can expect everyone to "Taunt On, I'm not a man" one another.
The River Tone was actually named after the the locals found it running through their settlement. The first guy to spot it was called Antony.
The Taunton to Bridgwater canal was actually built before the discovery of the River Tone and, owing to the lack of water, it was instead filled with upturned shopping trolleys, over which barges were towed by the now extinct, Somerset camel (many years later a statue was built alongside the motorway in their honour).
Culture[edit | edit source]
The locals refer to the area as the Shire, and on leaving the town Taunton ex-pats are known as Hobbitsnot men . The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were in fact documenturies based on the adventures of four Tauntonians who hitchhooked to London Village.
Taunton is known for its significant lack of Cider drinkers and the worst night clubs outside of Slough.
Taunton's nearest rival is another town called Bridg 'I'm not a man' water, as you can see by the misspelling of the town's name there may be some base to this. However Bridgwater holds the largest fair and Night Time Carnival in the area and the rivalry may just be due to jealousy.
The most popular hobbies listed in Taunton according to the 2001 Census are Drinking and Sex, although theorectically the latter can be practised without the former it is not widely recommended or practised.
Attractions[edit | edit source]
The almost annual burning of the thatched Leper House east of the town centre, this has become less popular in recent years, possibly due to the large thatched pub around the corner built as a potential-arsonists' diversionary inebriation-trap.
The Not As Big As Brigwater's Night Time Carnival which takes place in October. This sacred event allows the weirder people of Taunton to stand in the freezing cold for two hours laughing and pointing at the more normal people of Somerset attached by bits of twine to wobbly platforms stuck onto large trailers covered with vast arrays of light bulbs being pulled by a tractor. Some actually believe that it is merely a coincidence that the fields that surround the town are filled with Magic Mushrooms at this time.
The most notable addition to Tauntons portfolio is the "pop-up" urinal, which periodically emerges from its sewer, in the middle of the town centre, to accept urine from various drunken midnight wanderers, who just need that breezy feeling.
Food[edit | edit source]
Taunton claims to be the first town to have created the great innovation that is cheesy chips. Many towns may think that they came up with it first but the locals know the truth. Taunton is also the home of Takeaway Alley, also known as Station Road... which surprisingly in Somerset actually has a Station on it for rapid exits.
As mentioned above Taunton is also a good place for locating Magic Mushrooms, but as these have recently broken their Growing ASBO they are now illegal and should only be looked at indirectly by using a video phone and projecting them through a card with a pinhole.
Taunton also has two Subways and it is thought that if you go into the cellar of one, you could come back up out of the other via a small train that runs underground.
It is priveledged to have the Hot Sausage Company which charges nearly £3 for a sausage (well.. what did you expect it to sell?) Famous customers include Elton John, Matt Lucas, Graham Norton and Cliff Richard - all of whom enjoy their sausage.
Future[edit | edit source]
Taunton waits in hope that King Arthur will return with a jack hammer to removed the sword that has been cemented into an oversized chunk of rock that is situated outside of the Taunton Museum which no one has entered since 1986.
Taunton has recently reached the critical mass at which it requires not only a Wetherspoons, but also a Lloyds bar. Experts predict a rise in Burberry and spoilers.
In the meantime Taunton's population (because most people in Taunton are absolutely fantastic in bed) is expanding at the fastest rate in the known Universe and is petitioning to be classed as Zone 71 by London Transport.
Student Wars[edit | edit source]
Numerous student wars have been planned and followed through by students of the two public colleges, Somerset College of Art and Technology and Richard Huish College. Many students at Richard Huish were jealous because of the way their counterparts at SCAT could pronounce the name. The second event which led to the Huish invasion of SCAT was that many people at SCAT used to refer to Richard Huish as a college for dicks (mainly due to Richard), this upset everyone at the Huish and a timetable suspensions were called for people to get over the shock. The final straw for Huish students was when one SCAT student was heard making reference to a member of staff at RHC as a 'dipstick', at this point, the college principle lead the college into a war with SCAT. At present, SCAT students are currently paying the nearby Tesco to blockade the area while at Huish a group of highly academic, scientifically minded students are working at converting a regular household bunsen burner into a weapon for mass killing. Staff at the colleges are also making an impact into this war; notibly Marcus Barrett from Huish who is stomping around wearing a barrister wig trying to write about Crewkerne on the SCAT website, however he has been mistaken for John Steed on The Avengers many times.
Not to be forgotten are the numerous Private School Students which make up a vast sum of Taunton's student body. These tend to be instantly distinguishable by their 'uniform' - not school uniform of course, because wearing suits in Taunton when under the age of twenty is an invitation for a chav mugging, but the ubiquitous outfits which distinguish them not only as private school but one school from another. Boys tend to go for the open-neck shirt and knitted v-neck vest, or maybe a cashmere jumper, with beige cords or dark jeans, and inevitable never wear trainers in public, but appear in slip-on leathers or boating shoes. The girls are even easier: a school hoodie 9 times out of 10, with an affectionate nickname emblazoned on the back along with the full cast of the latest show-stopping play they were in, or the names of their fourth-and-a-halfs hockey team. This is teamed with skinny jeans, ballet pumps and a pair of sunglasses big enough to obscure half their face, and topped with hair all over the place. These wonderful people deign to shine their light upon the town with frequent en masse visits to designer stores and cafes - there is a fight over Nero's between them and the Huishites - and generally attempting to be cooler than the Huishites, despite the enforced uniform and stricter rules they have to abide by.
There is plenty of rivalry between Taunton School, which, by virtue of the fact that it is named after the town, considers itself to be the best, King's College, which has the poshest building, and Queen's, the smallest, though most famous; which makes up for its size by getting the best results and having a wickerman built on the front lawn. It may be only a matter of time before this gets burned down, but it gives them class. It also must be mentioned that Private School Students are considerably more poncy than State School Students. Another surprising, but true, fact is that Private School Students are considerably less intelligent than State School Students. This has been proven time and time again using the "Pub Quiz" method. Private School Students have the added disadvantage that when they finish their education they generally suffer from one or more of the following afflictions: homosexuality, drug abuse, crime or one of many personality disorders. This means that while Priate School Students appear to have a head start in life, retardation is just around the corner for most of them. At the other end of the spectrum, there is Ladymead Community School. This school usually consists of students which end up as plumbers, builders, rapists or hobos. A few turn out as brain surgeons and rocket scientists (but I still wouldn't trust them with my wallet).
Mayors[edit | edit source]
Taunton has had various mayors in its time.