Bredbury

Bredbury is a small, independent state that lies just outside Stockport. The two have been at war since 1456, when the Grand High Bredburyite, Dwayne Aiden Nicholls III, stole the King of Stockport's gyrocopter whilst the King slept off a narcotics-induced delusional fantasy in which he was King of England and had turned the land into his own private bowling alley. Bredbury has a population of somewhere between 10 and 1,000,000, though nobody knows exactly as so many babies are born to 14-year-olds girls every minute that it is impossible to count. The official language of Bredbury is very similar to Chavish, such is the high proportion of chavs:non chavs in this area, but regional twists have resulted in unique words such as "Groodstyle", which can be translated to modern English as "Good morning my fine fellow, isn't it a most clement day to go strolling through the park?".

History

Bredbury was embroiled in a long War of Independence for twelve years lasting from 1249 and eventually became a separate state in July 1261 when the region split from the Galactic Empire. Although the official reasons for the dispute are hidden deep inside the vaults of Bredbury library (they're not that deep it's just nobody can be arsed getting up and searching for them), rumour has it that when Darth Maul visited as an ambassador, locals pelted him with empty White Lightning cans and tried to anally rape the poor chap. He responded with his light saber but was stopped in his tracks when he saw a local tribe of chavs messing with their mobiles. Apparently, he assumed they were going to happy slap him and he fled. Anyway, he returned with the Imperial Navy and started maiming everyone until the drunken stupors wore off and Bredburyites, that most noble of breeds, fought back with happy slapping and baby projectiles (they're in abundance). The struggle lasted for 12 years until the Galactic Empire, under severe strain and ready to buckle from the pressures of such a war, offered a peace deal. Bredburyites accepted (but rejected the controversial Clause 988747584738474534333452311244 that stated that all Bredburyites were to be known in the Galactic Empire records as "fags") and won their freedom. Interestingly, some bloke in Scotland copied the Bredburyites and led some army against an English army and king called Edward Longshanks, or something.

Politics

Bredbury is ruled by an elected President, who stays in power for 6 years, 8 months and 4 days and is only allowed one term. There's nothing constitutional, it's just that after this time Bredburyites are too far gone to rule properly because of years of solvent abuse. The current ruler (as of October 2005) is President Craig Sweeney. The First Lady is Waynetta and they have a son together, Lee, 4 years old. Controversial measures under Sweeney included the Marshmallow Act and the Treaty of the Wirral, signed with nearby Scouseland as an assurance of a supply of cheap car parts.

President Sweeney

Economy

Bredbury's economy is based around three major exports: Babies, car parts and turnips. Turnips have been grown in the state for 400 years and are a distinctive pea-green colour. Babies are produced in "Baby Factories", more commonly known as council estates, where a dedicated team of young whores and unsuitable males churn out babies like nobody's business. Car Parts is the most interesting export, however. Bredbury's military has a dedicated Car Wing that conducts raids into neighbouring territories and vandalises every car they can find, bringing back all parts and then selling them, at an inflated price, to people who need them. Usually, these people are the ones whose cars have been vandalised and thus the Bredbury economy goes on its merry way. Imports are virtually non-existent, as Bredburyites survive by stealing what they need (again, the military). They cannot, however, steal or grow hula hoops and so must import these to go with their alcoholic beverages.

Military power

Bredbury has an army, navy and air force that combines to total nearly 3,000 men (strange, as there aren't that many here but what the hey). The army consists of three divisions: Car Wing, Food and Shit Wing (under the command of Colonel B.J. Scrofula) and Actual Fighting With Propaaaa Guns and Shit Wing (under the command of some crackhead, he garbles when you ask his name). The Navy is a fleet of 4 Suped-Up-Micra Class Chavrolets and 6 "Mini" Motor seek-and-destroy Decency frigates. The Air Force, the smallest in the world, has one helicopter from 1963 equipped with one handgun, 4 bullets and a side door that opens. There is also a reconnaissance unit - a camera on a stick. They are currently fighting overseas in the Canadian war against the 2008 Clinton-Obama scandal, though no one actually knows why the Bredbury forces are involved in the first place.

Religion

93% of Bredburyites are followers of the DaytimeTelevisualigion and their spiritual idol is his eminence Jeremy Kyle. The other 7% of inhabitants claim to be anti-Calvinists, though this is debatable as nobody in the land is even sure what an anti-Calvinist is.

Slimy: Jeremy Kyle, leader of Bredbury's DaytimeTelevisualites

Sport

Bredburyites are keen followers of Slap-and-Run, a professional sport in which competitors happy slap as many people as possible in three minutes before running back to their lairs before the police arrive. Every three years the Slap-and-Run State Cup is held in which the best Happy Slappers compete for a place in the national events. Curling is also a popular pastime. Not the Olympic type mind, this is the "Bredbury Milk" type whereby contestants look at a pint of milk and see how long it takes for it to curdle. Note the spelling mistakes - the inventor of this sport was thicker than a particularly thick and steaming pile of pig shit - he only managed a D in his GCSE in Name Writing (which still makes him Bredbury's leading intellectual).

Culture

Literature

Bredbury has produced no literary geniuses. Genii? Genies? Who knows? Considering that only 2% of the population can actually read, this isn't really surprising.

Art

Art in Bredbury is a growing area. Recently, street-renowned artist Little Mouse held an exhibition of his work and attracted a record 4 people. His paintings are usually just his face in a variety of colours (he seems to cover himself in paint and headbutt paper) but his work has proved immensely popular in North Korea, where 6.9% of North Koreans have one of his works in their home and 9.9% have heard of him! Apart from Little Mouse, nobody.

Music

This is where Bredbury really shines. The state's rich musical heritage was born during the Great War of Independence, when travelling bands of minstrels would play morale-boosting songs and melodies to life the spirits of the troops. They were often accompanied by Smarties and Maltesers, and after the war one particular song "Ah fuck mate, the Empire's coming to rape your bird" reached No. 12 in the charts. It became synonymous with bravery and was recorded by Dan and the Towles, who then went on to have further success with "Gimme your condom or I'll slap you" and "On your knees, bitch!". Since then, notable soloists such as baritone Joshua Tankel, mezzo-soprano Emily Harding and male falsetto Christopher S. Vickers have graced the world's opera houses. Vickers, indeed, was awarded the newly-created Nobel Prize in Pointlessness for his work with ginger Ugandan rice farmers (specifically ginger, his favourite type) in the development of a self-flushing toilet. Virtuoso pianist Peter Greenall (famous for his antics on Celebrity Big Brother 766) was also a Bredbury resident for a while during his teenage years and saxophonist Jim Garrard, although not actually very good, deserves a mention.

Emily Harding, pursuing her hobby of "Getting them out for the lads"

Pianist Peter Greenall (Right) and Jim Garrard

Architecture

Erm...

Science and Technology

World-renowned inventor Oliver Coulombeau was born and raised in Bredbury in the late 1620s. Famous for inventing shoes, cheese, time travel, breathing, serviettes and paper clips, Coulombeau is now a research fellow at the University of Oxford and has written 675 books in the past 4 years, including 12 on his homeland of Bredbury. The most famous of these, "Bredbury: The Childhood of a God" sold nearly 12 copies.

Tourism

The only tourist to Bredbury was Tony Andrews, who stopped at a local petrol station in 1976 on his way to Glasgow. His famous quote, now immortalised on the wall of the Presidential bedroom, was "Yeurgh, what a shit-tip!". Lack of tourism has been blamed for Bredbury's high mutant in-breeding problems and lack of growth.