Minster
Minster is currently a village in the South East of the UK; however, it wishes to become its own country, along with Monkton and St. Nicholas, the neighbouring hamlets.
Rise to fame[edit | edit source]
Minster rose to fame throught multiple global incidents regarding its breach of laws. For instance, homosexuality is strictly illegal in the area, and a recent case of it there resulted in sever punishment for the participators.
A popular saying goes "Minster is not just for adults, its for children too, because Minster has no censoring laws ;)"
As Minster is popular with the younger generation as well as the old, it has become the feature of many children's games, and a famous nursery rhyme is based on it:
"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away,
where the pedophiles and children love to play,
there suddenly came a loud bang one day,
and it came from where Gangsta F used to stay,
the OAP is known as the local stray,
coz for you, he'll go gay for pay.
The people of the land decided to go see,
and when they got there, they found a key,
on it there was mould and fungus debris,
but the people didn't mind and thought it was tasty,
and turned on by this talk of STDs,
the people went on a sexing spree.
So after licking the dirt off, and unlocking the door,
they found Papa F having sexy time with a whore,
as she was screaming for more and more,
while he complained he was getting rather sore,
but they carried on, and lying on the floor,
she reached out for the toy in his bedside drawer.
After realizing what the noise was, the people went back home,
to leave Franky and his lady lumps alone,
but because they were all tramps, they had nowhere to go,
so around Minster they continued to roam,
try not to go near them, they've got Rabies as you can see by the foam,
but on your next visit to the local gift shop, remember to pick up a novelty pubic comb.
This nursery rhyme is sung by children all over the world today... particularly at festive times like Christmas.
Location and Timezones[edit | edit source]
Minster is situated in a deep valley, so only receives 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds of daylight per day. This gives the phenomenon of 666, which has now become recognised as Minster's national number. One day however, it would like to raise itself out of the valley by land reclamation like that seen in the seas around Japan today, but it would involve dumping the earth on Minster itself.
Minster is situated near to Monkton and St.Nicholas-at-wade. Monkton, like Minster, does not receive the full amount of daylight hours. Monkton is not itself in a valley, but due to the sunlight's rays being blocked by the high mountains encircling Minster, it only receives 6 hours 9 minutes of light per day. This has led to 69 being the national number of Monkton.
St.Nicholas-at-wade however, is luckier in that it is situated further away from Minster's mountains, allowing it to have slightly longer day of 9 hours, 9 minutes, and 9 seconds. It is for this reason that the figure 999 became the national number of St.Nicholas-at-wade. Every single telephone in the area has now been changed to 999 to show St.Nicholas-at-wade's appreciation of this national number. Some argue that this is the cause of a general breakdown in communications in the area, and the reason that the police are always called to the area. However, these people have since been politely courtesy killed. Others suggest that it is the vicious and violent OAPs of St.Nicholas-at-wade that generates so much police interest. This telephone system is not a problem in Minster and Monkton, where telephones have yet to be invented.
The national numbers of Minster, Monkton, and St.Nicholas-at-wade are therefore respectively 666, 69, and 999. When these numbers are put together, it gives '66669999'. It has been speculated that this gives four lots of '69s' if you take each pair of 69s out. Due to this, the national symbol of the USSR has become a foursome of 69s.
History[edit | edit source]
Minster's history has been a troublesome one. After the Big GangBang, little else from the outside world was allowed to enter into Minster's culture.
Elsewhere in the UK, the Viking invasion left positive marks, such as the modern English language. However, when the Minsterian people tried to catch the Viking clean Ugla and eat her, as a punishment, she took away the only thing they had as a language.
When the Romans invaded the UK, they all made perfectly sure to stay well away from Minster.
During the first and second world war, Minster was keen to join either side, (as it played both ways), but neither the Germans nor the British wanted to take them on, and were both hoping that the other side would employ them as an alliance, as it was known that Minster soldiers were so untrained they always ended up killing their own side.
Minster was fed up of having no wars, so decided they wanted an Arabic invasion themselves, so they invited Mahama, the leader of the Arabic people, to tea, to discuss plans for a war. Mahama however brought her own food, hawkishly watching the others in case they tried stealing her catch. So they discussed and discussed, until it was decided that Mahama, and her sisters, Fatima, Halima, and her brothers Erzam and Ighghghram (the pronunciation on this is very particular) would in fact join in an alliance with Minster. All the people of Minster oooh'd, and ahhh'd at this, hoping someone was at some point going to get killed. A smile spread across their faces. But then Mahama's parents, Ooohdma and Ahhhdma heard the people ooohing and ahhhing, and thought it was disrispectful to their names. So they decided to punish Minster by stealing their land. So they brought some spades and dug out their land, moving it out to sea to make a floating island. Mahama and her people decided to live on the island forever. However, after many years, they 'undeveloped' into different animals. This recently featured in a television show called 'Noah's Island'. We can now tell the precise new identities of the family.
- Mahama is known to be 'Mammothsbody' the mammoth
- Halima is known to be 'Hetty' the Gorilla
- Fatima is known to be 'Queen Froggy' the frog
- Erzam is known to be 'Ursula' the bear
- Ighghghram is known to be 'Grandfather elephant' the elephant
- Ooohdma is known to be 'Do-Da' the dodo
- Ahhhdma is known to be 'Wombat' the wombat
Because Mahama is now a mammoth, and therefore a food source for the Minsterians, the people of Minster have been searching for the island for many years, which has now been named Maham's Island, or in Minsterian: 'iuiua auiaiu auiaiua' not to be confused with 'Iuiua auiaiu auiaiua' (spelt with a capital letter) meaning 'Lunch Time' (the time where Minsterians go out onto the streets hunting down their prey).
In fact, when Minster's land was stolen, the people there were too slow to understand how the land was disappearing, and said that it had sunk. Minster was the origin of the legend of Atlantis. In the Bible, where the world was flooded in Noah's Ark, this was in fact in Minster, where the land was stolen. So Minster has become very famous under many different names, including 'Hell', and 'The Promised Land', to all the Jews, who are hoping Mahama will one day bring back the land they stole.
USSR[edit | edit source]
It is commonly known that Minster, Monkton, and St.Nicholas-at-wade are all linear in shape, with a roundabout at their heads. For this reason, they are termed the USSR (The United Settlements Surrounding the Roundabouts). In the past, before St. Nicholas-at-wade joined, Minster and Monkton were in the society alone. St.Nicholas-at-wade showed interest in joining this organisation, but the people of Minster and Monkton had never travelled that far, and were weary of anyone so far away, so they at first rejected them. However, the God of St.Nicholas-at-wade, Frank, sent his wrath on the people of Minster and Montkon, in the form of his plague (which he had himself). The inhabitants of Minster and Monkton thought it was fun at first to see so many people dying, but then decided it was getting boring, so let Frank and his people join the USSR so that the plague would stop.
Ethnicity[edit | edit source]
The people of Minster, and in fact all of the USSR are a primitive form of human. They are the last known living relatives of the Franks (Wikipedia says the Franks do actually exist!), a tribal group spread throughout Europe in the past, except for Frank himself, the God of St.Nicholas-at-wade.
The term 'Minsterian' has come to cover all the people of the USSR, covering the people of Monkton and St.Nicholas-at-wade as well.
The group has a slightly lower intelligence IQ average than the rest of the world, with the average in the area being equal to half the UK average.
They one day hope to make it onto the north side of the north-south development divide line.
Minsterians have ginger hair in general, and those that do not have died it with mammoth blood. Some people have six eyes, but this is not a requirement of the ethnicity. Minster's gene pool is becoming ever more limited, as incest is the only way in which people are legally allowed to reproduce there. Some Minsterians hope that this will enable them to evolve or devolve into a separate or sub species.
A yearly event, called the Minster Flower Show, is held there, where people from all over Minster and the rest of the USSR come to celebrate with brightly coloured flowers and rainbows the ethnicity of Minsterian. This is termed Minster Pride, and some people say that this is Minster's version of Gay Pride, but these people have since been coincidentally shot. Minster Pride is in fact to celebrate the transgendered, incested, and anti-developing ethnicity that is Minsterian.
Minsterians are also the only speakers in the world, except on Maham Island, a colony of Minster, of the Minsterian language.
Language[edit | edit source]
The language of Minster, known as Minsterian is a primitive language spoken in and around Minster, throughout the USSR, as well as on Maham Island, a colony of Minster.
The language consists mainly of grunts. There are three vowels, "ah", "eeh", and "ooh", but Minster has not currently invented consonants. There is no alphabet, instead using hieroglyphics, if you can call them that, representing more of a childish stickman kind of drawing.
Since there are only three sounds in Minsterian, they have to be used and rearranged into very long words, sometimes up to dozens of letters long. Even then, some words sound the same, and it is only the frantic hand waving that distinguishes some of them. For example, the word 'aiuauiiuaiauauiuauiuaiuiua' means "hello", but if spelt with a capital letter, means "anyone want to cam2cam?".
However, when writing their hyroglyphics, the people are obviously not able to show these 'actions,' which is why they use drawings, so each word has a different picture, rather than letters from an alphabet. Unfortunately, even with this personalized approach to writing, 100% of Minsterians are illiterate, due to the fact that they cannot draw. A new simpler idea has sprung up amonst the younger generation to combat this. They call it 'text speak'. It involves abbreviating the images the people (try to) use in their writing. So for example, when a Minsterian wishes to draw hair, they will abbreviate it to drawing split ends. When they wish to draw the time, they will abbreviate it to the nearest day. When they wish to draw a woman, they will abbreviate it to a vagina.
Citizenship of the USSR[edit | edit source]
To enter Minster, outsiders must wear special masks in order not to breath in the poisonous air of the village. However, for those who have developed gills, it is possible to attempt to extract some oxygen from the vast smoke surrounding the area. Incest is widely practised in Minster, and in fact, to qualify as a citizen, one must have ginger hair, and be incested.
Becoming a citizen of the USSR is a very difficult task indeed, notwithstanding the incest and hair colour factors. It is possible for outsiders to pass of as being ginger, or even to draw up a new birth certificate to fake their incestory. The people of the USSR have not in general noticed the difference between the real and cardboard cutout birth-certificates, but migration into the USSR is so low that in fact it is negative. People are attempting to flee away left right and centre. However, the guards at the iron gates surrounding the area allow no one to escape. This added security is one of the many benefits attracting people to the area.
Food Source[edit | edit source]
The Minsterians main food source, the Mammoth has died out, but the people of the village were too slow to realise this yet.
Religion & Science[edit | edit source]
Mister Minster is the God of Minster, while Mother Monkton is that of Monkton. A third God was later introduced to the USSR when St.Nicholas-at-wade joined the group, and his name was Frank. The three God's breeded to produce the people of the settlements today.
In fact, the equivalent to the Big Bang of modern day societies in Minster is the 'Big GangBang' in which Mother Monkton, Mister Minster, and Frank all had intercourse, and therefore created the people of the area in one big go. However, some people argue that there is a tiny possibility that this might not be true, but these people have since been killed.
Religion and science have long battled it out in the USSR against each other, but so far, science seems to have been left behind, leaving Minster's voodoo-like religion to form the dominant power in the region.
Notable residents[edit | edit source]
- Hitler
- The famous 5, which were actually called "Unis", "Dave the sex slave", "Tabathist", "Boodle-boobie", and the dog, "Umit".
See Also[edit | edit source]
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