Oakham
Oakham, not to be confused with anything interesting, is peevish capital of world twice runner up. This quaint bastion of naff is nestled snugly between the this huge badass oak tree (you should see it dude) and some assorted undulations of hills. Although the origin of the 'Oak' in Oakham is apparent the true source of 'Ham' remains a mystery, even to this day. Residents, most of them being strong advocates of the pensioners against freakyness society, now look upon all pork produce with deep suspicion. All this suspicion has made Oakham the world's leading producer of prodding sticks.
Demography[edit | edit source]
The vast majority of people in Oakham are octogenarians, the others are dodecahedrons. The domesticated Chav will only spawn given the right conditions of moisture and humidity in order for fungi to grow and are henceforth not considered as permanent residents. Most of the time the people of Oakham are referred to as troglodytes, non wizarding folk, and the smell. Much like the Channel Isles, you have to be special to live in Oakham, one of the many specifications include being a blood relation to Engelbert Humperdink and that you must under no circumstances be vegetarian. Oakham has very little time of vegetarians, the vegetarians can come as far as Upping-ham but may proceed no further by law.
FREE MASONRY![edit | edit source]
Unannounced to many of the local residents (besides some old farts) Oakham is in fact a lodge of the notorious FREE MASONRY! secret organisation, bent on liberating all cuboid shaped stone or brick from it's unnatural prison in man-made structures. This ancient cult has been slowly chipping away at various stone structures throughout its 600 year reign of obscurity. FREE MASONRY! members tend to greet themselves by slapping each other on the forehead and shouting "SALLY!" at a high register.
Governance[edit | edit source]
For the most part the average Oakhamian will vote in the most homo-erotic nipple-steamer this side of York provided he's conservative. It is a widely understood fact that "soap-dodging hippie types" are refused the use of writing materials when submitting their vote to prevent any disruption to the proud unanimity of right-wing support. Lately however, fears of progress have sparked a huge popularity surge in the UK's least single policy party UKIP. Patriotism is rife, so much so to the point that many work surfaces have been cluttered with Union Jacks to the point of being totally not on. Subsequently, with industry crippled Oakham has demanded economic aid from the EU, and upon receiving it has made hast in spending it on reckless traffic calming projects and claiming it was all a big joke. The EU, being thoroughly cheesed off has clearly equated Oakham to nothing more (or less) than Kilroy Silk's underwear in the newly written European Constitution.
Transport[edit | edit source]
Oakham is so far the only place to publicly approve of CIA extreme rendition flights and subsequently has the only direct bus route to Cuba in the UK. It's radical stance has everything to do with the average Oakhamian's extreme right-wing odor that occasionally wafts its way into everyday procrastination, it has been known to make many non-local people gag.
Landmarks[edit | edit source]
Tourist attractions in Oakham include The Crystal Maze and Oakham Castle. If ye be willing to venture of the beaten track one may be treated to the not so well known spurious stone carvings of such native animals as the loitering owl, bastard weasel and suspicious fish.
Oakham Castle[edit | edit source]
Contains a boggling number of horseshoes. Not really a castle come to think of it, more of a masonry shack. It housed once Sir Archibald Fortescue Agnes Treacle, known for his hilarious excentricities! For example, it was Sir Treacle's crazy idea to introduce flock wallpaper, blue rinse and Breville toasted-sandwich makers to the masses. Much of the time this mad-hatter-aristo would hold lavish banquets for his favourite fowl on the traffic island opposite Help the Aged and when he wasn't entertaining, he was entertained by laughing at the hats in the various charity shops and sucking on tweed jackets. Sadly Sir Treacle died when he accidentally inhaled a tweed coat button while laughing at a hat and suffocated amongst the dufflecoats. Oakham castle stands in his memory.
Oakham's horseshoes[edit | edit source]
By gum thar be a lot of them. The horseshoes hang upside-down: while this is generally held to be unlucky, in Rutland this was thought to stop the EU from sitting in the hollow, pesky as they are so far the plan has been a success. The upside-down horseshoe motif appears in the county council's arms.
Rutland Mercury[edit | edit source]
Rutland's only weekly newspaper! (apart from the Rutland Times.......but we don't talk about that) "One Rutland, two braincells"
Often described as quite morish, is most bought by locals for the weekly "Who's been a sneaky butthole?" competition. For the last nine years the competition has been won by local farmer Wiley Old Badger III who recently, after he began to run out of ideas, lost both his legs while stuffing a combine down his trousers. Badger now frequents as co-contender in the farmer carrying competition, held biannually on July 3rd each year.
What people think of Oakham[edit | edit source]
“Pungent”
“Quite nice actually”
“By far the least exceedingly good cake I've seen”
“I came, I saw, I did some crazy shit, I left”
“Fuck that, I'm going to Oadby instead!”
Famous Oakhamians[edit | edit source]
- Conan (the barbarian)
- Captain Planet
- Admiral Ackbar
- Doctor Who