High Wycombe

A small market town in Buckinghamshire with a rich chair-making heritage. Dumped between London and Oxford on the M40, where there should be a signpost stating 'KEEP DRIVING'. 100,000 inhabitants; 6 surnames.

An average day in High Wycombe

The town centre has gone downhill

History

The town is famous for its chair-making traditions, which means most of the people would sit around all day drinking. Since the decline of sitting around all day, the chair industry has dwindled. Arthur J Sisterporker, the person who discovered what legs are for, is the patron amoeba of the town and there are 10 days a year set aside to celebrate his life's work. It is well known that one of the main reasons for the establishment of High Wycombe was to make Reading look better which it has but to a lesser degree than once hoped.

Architecture

Ask any resident of High Wycombe, and they'll tell you that the greatest architectural work to take place in the town so far was that carried out by the Luftwaffe during World War 2. Since the early 1960s the town has been through constant redevelopement, which has left the town blighted beyond hope. This practise continues to this day, and is endorsed by the local council. The former Bus Station is thought to have inspired the terrorist group, The People's Revolutionary International Wycombe Bus Station-Hating Armed Workers' Soviet Militia who continue to knit pink and brown oven gloves and masturbate with egg whisks to this day.

Future projects

Currently, the town centre is a building site in preparation for the council's latest pet project, Project Eden. This is an attempt to make the whole town just like the now defunct nightclub Club Eden in its glorious drug fuelled heyday. Wycombe District Council is curently involved in talks with Slough council on forming a suicide pact.

The "Eden Centre" will deliver improvements that will place High Wycombe in the top 50 retail destinations in South-East of Britain. The prime attraction of the Eden Centre will be a four-storey House of Fraser department store. Certain residents have expressed outrage at this; after all, what sort of maniac could need that many curtains? Project Eden has also "delivered" a shiny new bus station to the town. However, the shiny new buses and drivers that weren't all "Little Hitlers" seem to have been lost in the post.

Project Eden will deliver a new cinema and bowling alley to the town, although the chances of the locals being able to even pick up a bowling ball let alone bowl it is another matter. The Eden Centre will also have a nightclub in it. Wycombe General Hospital's VD clinic has started a frequent flyer programme in anticipation.

Local Population

One of Wycombe's most genetically advanced inhabitants

The population of High Wycombe is officially recorded as about 15.4872, since that is the number of humans that the town's chromosomal count can form. There are approximately 45,342 Kevs (regional variation of the much maligned Chav), 23,198 Big-eared Boys, 1,284 badgers, 311 Wycombe Wanderers FC supporters, 5 gingers, about 4,000 vermin, 923 Calpol addicts in Care in the Community projects , 19 deceased ladybird molesters, one resident of Centra Pharmacy (with the occasional excursion to Boots), and a large number of Asians, most of whom, much to the disappointment of Daily Mail readers wanting to write racist abuse on this page, are not illegal immigrants. A number of the population are students, and these highly intelligent specimens can be identified trying drown themselves in the dried out River Wye, providing entertainment for the Kevs.

Genetic make-up of the locals

Some of the residents of this town have not evolved, and that has been scientifically proven by famous anthropologists. There is an high population of Kevs in the area, so you have been warned. Zoologists note that they are genetically closer to rabbits than humans, which clearly has an effect on their propensity to breed and the very obvious trait of them all have hideous buck teeth. There is also a deep mistrust of Neanderthal man, who is far superior to a local, but both have definitely discovered fire, as Wycombe also has a rich molotov-making history.

Fascist Masonic Lodges

The nearby village of West Wycombe is home to the seedy Hellfire Caves, where masonic organisations led by Sir Francis Dashwood commit debauched atrocities against humanity such as kidnapping fair maidens from local schools and re-enacting their favourite rape scenes from the Bible on them, as well as concocting Conservative Party hate campaigns against gays, black music, the environment, and pet toasters claiming disability benefit. These people, however, do not realise that they are in fact practicing their evil arts on the site of the largest congregation of Wiccans in Britain. The Wiccans are known to hold the great and almighty god of the cabbage as their leader and thus keep to themselves and their cabbage growing. None of them have the mental capacity however to realise that cabbages do not grow in caves. Yet they persist in believing that the Saviour of the Cabbage will come and free the cabbages, beginning a thousand-year Cabbage Reign on Earth.

Inbreeding

The South Bucks area is known as a hotspot for incest. To see the effects, visit the following areas:

• Wycombe Town Centre

There is also a certain amount of 'inbreading' (as the simpletons of the town invariably misspell it) going on, which is most evident when you stand around the town watching the locals drag their knuckles through the streets. Some locals are so unevolved they have no knuckles at all because they are unicellular organisms. If greeted in the street with the words "A B Ann?" you will be sussed as a foreigner unless you respond "Oi B orroyt. A B E?" or if the person speaking to is wearing a large Nike tracksuit then respond by saying "wagwan brudda what's gwaning?"

• Lane End

Lane End is the most notorious village near Wycombe for inbreeding. Its gene pool is so lacking that the local swimming pool is now a commemorative puddle. Lane End also has the highest cousins per capita rate in the world. Second to Lane End in regard to inbreeding would be the village about 4 miles away called Stokenchurch (or Stokie as its inhabitants refer to it). The name Levi is thought to come from the acronym for Lane End Village Idiot, a sought after and highly esteemed position within local society. The M40 motorway was built to provide a barrier to stop stray chromosomes entering the Lane End gene pool from nearby Wheeler End.

• Flackwell Heath(A.K.A. God's waiting room)

Flackwell Heathens all look the same (the tell tale extended beer-belly, stoned glaze in their eyes caused by them smoking half a tonne of grass), all shout "You f**king legend mate!" to each other (or to themselves if they look into a mirror). The village is most famous for the fact that all of its inhabitants have a genetic disposition to go drink driving every weekend.

• Holmers Farm Estate

The residents of this estate all have the kleptomaniac gene. This was because Robert Maxwell based his cloning project here in the 1980s. However, after his untimely death after an accident whilst snail hunting, the experiment was neglected and the estate is now a war-torn wreck full of Oxford United fans (even more genetically degenerate than their Wycombe counterparts).

• Micklefield

Someone couldn't spell Michael, so the area was already starting on the back foot. Micklefield is a wondrous place full of people who aren't ready for the Castlefield Experience, but still take turns to share the brain cell. They have an ability to breed like rabbits, and those who live near the woods are often seen running from the trees shagging anything that moves. In one notorious incident, a wind-blown leaf was 'had' 30 times in a matter of 10 minutes.

Transport

Government Warning to cyclists

Wycombe District Council's transport policy revolved around the premise that in order for Wycombe to become one of the best towns in the country, other superior towns on lower ground will have to be flooded by rising ocean levels. In order to reach this goal, the council make it physically impossible to move around town without owning a vehicle that produces more pollution than most small countries.

• Motoring

Most people have adopted the Chav driving posture, with loud stereos, high speed, and a death wish. One particular favourite is to drive through the pedestrianised town centre at high speed 2 inches behind your mate, also driving at high speed. This appears to be some kind of mating ritual. The roads in housing estates are so bad that Australia is at the bottom of some of the potholes. The AA recommends that you find the road out of town and keep driving. You are additionally advised to never ever look back.

• Buses

There are buses in town but the Health Authority do not advise any human being to travel on them due to the large amount of litter and overwhelming smell of urine on every seat. These mobile freakshows showcase some of the finest specimens in the world, such as the famous crazy lady on the 31 Downley bus, who quite impressively has breasts which are very close to touching her knees and smells as if she hasn't washed since the War.

• Taxis

Don't use the taxis either, especially the ones with a strong smell of fabreeze. This is a tell-tail sign someone has just pissed in it.

• Cycling

Cyclists are all but an extinct species in High Wycombe. The District Council's attempt to reintroduce these cute animals backfired when rotting corpses lying next to bicycles littered the many mountainous climbs around the town. It is now a criminal offense to ride a bicycle in the town and residents are often awarded medals for mowing down these environmentally conscious blights on society.

• Walking

No-one walks anymore. Anyone seen walking in the town is pinned to the ground, and both legs removed.

Housing

The Castlefield Estate in High Wycombe

Wycombe District Council does its best to sell the town to the wider population with the catchy slogan, Don't you get the hint by now - Don't live here it's not worth it. As a result the population has rocketed by 45.2% in the last ten hours.

Because of its position on the Chiltern Hills and its rapidly growing population, High Wycombe's slum housing is perched somewhat haphazardly and claustrophobically reminiscent of many cities in South America, like Rio de Janeiro and Caracas.

An interesting architectural feature of the Micklefield estate is that the houses are arranged to read "Bombadier uns!" when seen from above, giving clear instructions to any passing German bombers in future world wars.

Rumours that the way the houses on the Holmers Farm estate similarly read out "Thatcher takes Oscar Wilde up the right ear" in an ancient Runic language are thought to be too plausible for further consideration.

Sport

The local football team Wycombe Wanderers F.C. have an ability to win games until they discover they are doing well. They manage a complete turn around of luck, and squander any chance they had. They are nicknamed The Chairboys, presumably referring to their defenders who actually sit on Windsor chairs on the edge of the penalty area during matches.

Wycombe have just been taken over by Steve "Purple" Hayes. Hayes, despite having made his fortune as being a jumped-up loan shark, managed to convince the club administrators that when he originally said the money he gave to the club as a 'gift' to stave off bankruptcy whilst 'chasing the dream' (cf. Leeds United) was actually a loan that had to be repaid or Hayes could assume ownership of the club. What normally counts as fraud and daylight robbery in civilised towns was actually lauded and Hayes is still regarded as a hero amongst many people at the club.

The majority of Wycombe Wanderers fans are scientifically proven to be vermin. They spread more disease than your average ACME Disease Spreader and are so stupid that their biggest rivals are Milton Keynes Dongs, a club that exists only in the imagination of a rough-sleeping Albanian cockroach high on strawberries and love cream whilst clapping a pair of loans.co.uk sponsored spacko sticks.

Education

The notion of education only arrived to this backward town in 1975. Before then residents took all their knowledge from their pet rabbits and episodes of Steptoe and Son. As a result pretty all residents are illiterate, as can be seen with the copius amount of seplling and grammar mistakes what are on this page that you no doubt have been laughing at.

Schools

High Wycombe Sign

The town is renowned for being the surrogate educator of rich people from all around the surrounding counties. Standing out in the cesspits of local inhabitation units (damp-ridden pebble-dashed semis) is the Royal Grammar School, John Hampden Grammar School, Wycombe Abbey and Wycombe High. To get into these schools you must undergo the daunting challenge that is the 11+ exam. And if you don't succeed in passing these exams, you are sentenced to many years at much maligned schools such as St. Bernard's Catholic School or High Crest, where the children are taught by former convicted ferret feltchers and are forced to masturbate to Playdays episodes. Despite the parlous state of the town's education system, it has the best A grade pass rate for "Advanced Car Theft and Shop Lifting" and also for "Hypodermic Recycling" in the country.

The 11+

If you live in Castlefield, Micklefield, Sands, Totteridge or on the Holmers Farm estate then you have to take the 11+ exam by the age of 25. This is called so because you have to have an IQ of over 11 to pass it. Thus most of Wycombe's population fails. It consists of taking three verbal reasoning exams, being able to recite the succession to the throne, assessment of the candidate's ability to inflict GBH during a rugby game, how good the candidate is at soggy biscuit and finally how many communists the pupil had shot when they served in the White Army in the Russian Civil War. If a pupil fails this exam, they will have to attend a local upper school, where a life of crime, destitution, teenage pregnancy and not being a stuck-up twat beckons. If you are rich then all you have to do to pass the 11+ is slip a brown envelope to the relevant head or simply enrol as a boarder.

Scandals

• Royal Grammer Skewel

The Royal Grammar School has been in the news very frequently recently as a result of a child sex abuse scandal surrounding a deputy head (for legal reasons, can only be known as Dick H.) who was found guilty of not at least once surreptitiously taking advantage of a game young lad. Whilst drunken locals lobbed rotting tomatoes and rats at the beleaguered teacher, his famous last words were "Is it such a big crime to have not ever wanted to abuse a defenceless child?" Well, Dick, it is in South Bucks.

The same school was then rocked by an even worse sex, drugs and internet mistress scandal with the headmaster at the time Tim Dingle sensationally being outed as a transvetite under the pseudonym of Dim Tingle. This resulted in him being featured in a double page spread in the Daily Mail along with jilted wives and ex's accusing him of consuming drugs he'd stolen off pupils and even a ridiculous claim that he was a competent headmaster, something that was categorically denied by Mr Dingle.

• Wycombe High School

Horny Hoes for the price of a beer! With the Tories planning to cut to the education budget, the school are planning to open a Belgian wheat beer-themed pub on the school's sizeable grounds called (wait for it....) Hoegaarden. The school will also be renamed The Hoegarden Academy.

• St Bernards Catholic School aka South Bucks Republican Army training barracks

St Bernards is a Catholic fundamentalist school made famous for the licentious behaviour of the bog-brained Murphy nuns who frig themselves with crucifixes whilst saying grace before lunch as well as headmaster Fr. Jack Hackett's infamous incident involving drinking all the communion wine during one mass and urinating in the holy water when Baby Jesus wasn't looking.

• John Hampden Grammar

This school has been condemned by the Greenpeace for causing the destruction of at least half of the world's rainforests, due to the amount of paper wasted on giving out inordinate amounts of homework. Amnesty International have also criticised the school, saying they breach United Nations conventions on children's human rights, such as imprisoning pupils in a regime of 27 hour a day teaching timetable. The school's reputation has also been tarnished by the laughably pathetic suicide bombers that they have produced over the years, such as Donald Douglas Stewart-Whyte.

• Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp(AKA: Cressex School)

Recently renamed after a funding boost from an unnamed North American country's military, the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp (formaly known as Cressex School) is attended by a disproportionate amount of Muslims in comparison to the local population and all pupils must wear orange jump suits. Headmaster Ronald Scumsfeld concedes there are certain uncertainties in the number of untruths that may be stated to be true, but we know they have the bombs because we still have the fucking receipts! New headmaster Oba Mabarack's appointment seemed to have drawn a line under the troubled history of the camp, but his promises of 'change' seem to be slow in coming through.

• Wycombe Abbey

Private girls' boarding school erroneously known by locals as the Virgin Megastore. The inmates of this fortress-like establishment are young, dumb, and full of come. Also around 80% of the inmates' families are so wealthy and speak such 'proper' English, they require a translator for the rare occasions when conversing with the great unwashed in town is unavoidable.

I did mention it was a girls' school, right?

• Pipers Corner

Pipers Corner an establishment commonly known as the breeding ground for herpes and other such diseases. However, the headmistress, known affectionately as the "Loch Ness Monster", does attempt to prevent these girls (there is much debate in the gynaecological profession as to whether this gender designation needs to be revised) from meeting the male species by stapling their kilts to their knickers and making specially made SecuriVag chastity belts standard issue uniform.

Pipers Corner take great pride in imbueing their girls with the entrepeunerial spirit, and the infamous "Pipers Pros" catchphrase "No cash - No gash" is the embodiment of the school's ideals. In an attempt to place themselves at the classy end of the market, they sell their services with the tagline - "It's not just gash, this is Pipers Corner gash."

• Sir William Ramsay

Sir William Ramsay or more likely known as 'a farm for chavs' is located in the dull village Hazlemere. The school itself is infested with chavs and the worst teachers the government could get, most found in damp caves, it also has a reputation for getting involved with the police from fighting to stabbings to attempted suicide. The headmistress who we'll call 'Miss Bitch' has no other volume apart from incredibly loud shouting at anything that moves, including other teachers, she also has a complex of having so many deputies which are all male. The schooling system is so backwards and retarded that they enforced so many rules people (mainly 6th formers) left but instead of loosening them they carried on, at one point the teachers ran out of irritating ideas of new rules and began making ridiculous ones such as 'guys are not aloud to be in groups lager then six because it scares people' -facepalm-.

The school has also won awards such as the most irritating teacher award, the teacher the size of a planet award (these were both given to a miss C) and the most students depressed in an hour award. The IQ of the schools students combined still results in a negative number, you'd think that if you added the teachers it would at least reach ten...

Universities

The town is also home to the Buckinghamshire New "University," which, despite its name, is not really a university..... or new. Many students who turn up from relatively nice and civilised towns from around the country drop out very quickly in disgust of the place that they've been incarcerated in. The University consists of a virtual netherworld of nothing, some books exist though not in the University, nor within its surrounding walls (which are almost must be filled with chairs). Some subjects offered to unsuspecting studentmentorees are P.E. and iPod listening studies. A Wellesbourne is used to study by some but largely ignored by the town contingent who prefer to avoid the shit-hole.

Facilities and places of interest

High Wycombe Sign

High Wycombe's nightlife truly is world-class. With the Wycombe Academy of Music and Arts hosting regular open-door Under 18 nights, a visit to the town wouldn't be complete without a live performance by the London Vegetable Orchestra, the Downley Dotards, or any of the other local paraplegic performing arts troupes.

There is a cinema, but it is out of town, get the hint AGAIN. The other cinema in the centre of town was tragically closed after it was discovered that the theatre seats were cleaned so irregularly that they were technically alive. Don't look around, because you'll only end up getting knifed, and arrested for being drunk. Think Mordor, you come to live here and you will become one of the damned. Another reason not to go to the cinema is that they don't show any movies with a certificate higher than PG. This is due to chavs not being able to understand anything higher.

The Sandhurst Military Academy was originally based in High Wycombe until it was invaded by Chavs in 1066AD, whereupon it was swiftly moved to Sandhurst for its own safety. This was well-received all round, both on safety grounds and because the name of the College now matched that of its location.

High Wycombe train station has the largest retaining wall in all of Great Britain. It also featured in the Book of Bunny Suicides where the bunny calculated it would be the perfect place to spectacularly throw himself into the path of the 1323 train to Aylesbury. Even if he missed the train he still was certain to snap his fluffy cute neck.

For tourists there are regular search parties to go hunting for the elusive sports centre. Most of these quests lead onto the A404 which has the highest number of traffic accidents in Europe with 118,023 fatalities within the last 3 years due to high numbers of people preferring to take their own lives rather than entering the town.

Fame

The one and only Kelvinator, famed for his catchphrase "OK...BYEEEE" is often see slithering around Wycombe streets on his belly, hissing at passers by. He can also be seen piggybacking on Les Dennis roaring like lion at people wearing nothing but a clown hat and nipple tassels, throwing pairs of wet sodden gloves at people. High Wycombe's claim to fame came between 1968 and 1975 when the original Planet of the Apes films used the town as a location. Many of the town's inhabitants were used as extras and even actors, as the film required many gorilla look-alikes. The inhabitants were great for this and 20th Century Fox saved millions paying the unlikely 'stars' peanuts. I guess if you pay peanuts you do get monkeys, and, oh, how well it worked. It worked so well that in 2001 Tim Burton returned to film the remake. However this time it cost a little more than before. It was double the number of peanuts.

The town was also once the home of annoying TV Twatface Jimmy Carr, who somehow is tolerable compared to most of the population of Wycombe.

The town is home to the infamous Shite Whores pub, which, when it was featured on the SKY Television documentary Hardest Pubs in Britain, provided the town with its greatest moment since the Luftwaffe paid a visit in 1943. The pub also hit national headlines when an unborn baby was served a shot of absinthe by an uncaring barlady. "We've served younger and you lot didn't give a toss", she protested in court.

Terrorism

Wycombe District Council Mural

High Wycombe now enjoys international fame as the 'Al Queda' capital of Buckinghamshire. When visiting you will notice the helicopter gun-ships thundering overhead in an attempt to silence those who keep asking what's going on. It is rumoured that police have unearthed several Dire Straits albums, two pairs of brown polyester trousers, an Austin Allegro, and a half-eaten pie from the Morrison's supermarket. It must be added that the idea that anyone would have actually eaten a pie from Morrison's and lived to tell the tale is pure folk-lore, and must be dismissed as an untruth.

High Wycombe is also home to the terrorist organisation Wycombe District Council who have waged a constant campaign against the wellbeing and happiness of residents under its jurisdiction since time began. The commissioning of really shite building projects such as Wycombe Bus Station (rated the most disgusting building in world by the leading expert in the field, Jimmy Corkhill) and many other eyesores has been explained as part of a project aimed at oppressing the people and scaring them into being depressed and unwilling to not conform to the repressive system.

Locals will often say, "At least we are safe, they won't destroy their hometown", but then, suddenly, realise that the destruction of High Wycombe would be for the best.

Shopping

The town has a market on Tuesday, Friday & Saturday in the High Street. Within these stalls you will find all manner of stolen goods for sale. Behind the friendly faces of the stall-holder lies the sex starved low-lifes without any morals. They will rip you off with bent gear, and call it a bargain. There are shops in the town, and mostly they sell cabbages, razor wire thongs, and the occasional copy of 'Give a dog a bone' story book. This is often described as a work of pure fantasy by those who have tried to eat it with rusty exhaust pipes that have fallen off their first born son.

See also

• UnNews article - High Wycombe rejoices at bombing raid
• Wycombe District Council
• Mordor
• Rabbit
• Chav