Crawley
“Welcome To Crawley- Now Fuck Off!”
“Welcome To Crawley- Twinned with somewhere you should Fuck Off to.”
“Oh, by the way, your mam's a slag.”
“Now Fuck Off!”
“What the fuck is this? Where are the beach cottages?”
“Are you sure this is where we wanted to set up camp?”
Crawley is an arab town situated in West Sussex. Founded by Saddam Hussein in 1258 BC, the town still shows its arab roots in a VERY strong manner. It is also known as "Hole" and "Chavingham".
Population[edit | edit source]
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The population of Crawley is hard to measure (approx 100 thousand) with 99.9 % of the population being really nice. The teenage birth rate is massive, with 90% of Grandparents being in their late 20's to early 30's. Crawley boasts the youngest mother in the world, who can't be named here for legal reasons (plus she'll get expelled from kindergarten) It also has the lowest IQ level of all potato farms in Iraq.
It has a very low crime rate, making it terrifying for the locals to visit crime hotbeds such as London, Haywards Heath and Brighton. Crawley is an especially good place for people of all genders, races, colours and creeds - the only people who are not welcome are the scum of the far right.
Ancient Settlers[edit | edit source]
It is rumoured that Jesus once settled in East Crawley (now known as Worth which is derived from the hebrew w'urthless meaning 'havin no value at all'). He is reputed to have studied at Crawley College and gained an HND in Airframe Engineering. Also, Sir Francis Drake sailed to Crawley in 1569 to meet Christopher Columbus who had flown in from Antartica via Gatwick Airport.
In addition, Tutankamun is said to be buried under the Tower of St. Margarets Church after allegedly being hit by a train at the level crossing in the town centre.
The inhabitants of Crawley are looked down on by the rest of the population of Sussex in spite of the fact that, unlike the East Sussex yokels, they have the regulation number of fingers and toes. All the best looking women come from Crawley - a fact that is easy to spot by their lack of hair on the upper lip. There is an unfortunately large Chav contingent in the town as a direct result of the deportation policies of various London boroughs over the years but avoiding them is easy as they all wear tracksuits and have dumb-arsed baseball hats which don't go with any other piece of clothing they own. Their grammar leaves a lot to be desired, for example: Izzzz gunna shank u up bear ends blud u get me!?!!? sick tings poomtang! bruv il leave you gutless send for the ends and send for the cutless!!!?! what bruv im goin on sick!. The meaning of this is yet to be discovered, but as whoever says such a phrase is probably only 10 years old, they can be safely ignored.
Sports[edit | edit source]
As well as having the best sports centre in the south east, sports enthusiasts have a multitude of other opportunities to indulge. Diving enthusiasts have been known to take the plunge from the top gallery of the County Mall.
Formula one enthusiasts regularly compete on the bypass, mountain bikers will enjoy the plethora of street challenges the cycle lanes offer and there is a thriving green bowls club.
Every year the Greyhound pub in Tinsley Green takes a popular playground game to its most competitive level, as it stages the British and World Marbles Championship.
However, despite the large numbers of sports shops, and under 18's wearing sports clothing, the fitness level is terribly low, with the average 10 year old weighing 72 stone.
Among Crawley Town Football Club's most notable former players are Zirkon the Third - Emperor of the Gammatron Nebular, Rahm Emmanuel, Insane Nigel from Croydon, Robert Mugabe's mother and Jesus, who was well good on crosses.
Achievements[edit | edit source]
Crawley has many achievements to its credit, the most notable being it's ability to thrive in spite of the constant crap thrown at it by the jealous nearby hamlets of East Grinstead and Horsham. The latter being a hotbed of 'the upper class'.
Daley Thompson, Alan Minter, Gareth Southgate and that weird bloke from some reality TV show are famous sons, but Crawley is just very good at getting on with things - we build houses for people to live in, provide shops for supplying their goods, have a transport infrastructure that must have been good once, otherwise why would West Sussex County Council, the national Government and the local (non-resident) councillors have foisted the rubbish Fastwasteofmoney guided bus system on us? They have successfully introduced the concept of gridlock to the local road system but I fancy it won't be long before the ingenuity of the local people figures out a way to reclaim the streets for themselves and get everything flowing smoothly again. Step one will probably just need the removal of all the traffic lights (it's believed that someone in West Sussex County Council took a bung to inflict more than 500 traffic lights around the town). If that doesn't improve things then another solution could be to alter the signposting around the town so the yokels can't find it. Crawley has also won an award for cow raping.
Landmarks[edit | edit source]
Crawley is home to the pyramids of Giza and Stonehenge. Also if you travel to the outskirts of Crawley you will find the leaning tower of Pisa. Crawley's greatest landmark however is the County Mall. A place with plenty of shops [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], food outlets and very very nice shop-assistants, also a spa where miniature piranhas will chew dead skin of your feet. Mount Everest is clearly visible from the top of the County Mall, as is the River Rhine that flows through the town centre and cuts through the Great Wall of China near the mouth of Crawley's branch of the Channel Tunnel (or Trans Manche link as the cheese-eating surrender monkeys insist on calling it).
Crawley is most famous for it's mountain,Locals call it by many names like mount chavmore,
chavspeak or chavarrest.
Anti-Chav Agencies[edit | edit source]
The League of Anti-Chav Activities was set up on the 7th of May 2010 after the 2010 General Election, due to the new MP for the town being such a twat - a Conservative who aims at keeping the town the same until everyone is enslaved under a Absolute Monarchy and by which he can take all the money he can.
A interesting fact about this League is that it will only except non EU residence into its program, describing that "Accepting UK and EU people would be a conflict of interest"