Harrogate

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Harrow-gate.

Harrogate is reputedly medium-sized place of incredible tedium found in the county of Yorkshire. Rumours have surfaced in recent times that Harrogate is not in fact a town, but a sort of Pandora's Box for every imaginable sort of little-England, "wouldn't give you the steam off my piss", closet fascist wank stain who's unsuitability for human company renders them incapable of living elsewhere. As of November 2011, Harrogate is twinned with Mos Eisley.

History

Early History

Harrogate was founded by Moses in 1715 whilst the bearded bible character was en route to somewhere more agreeable. The incident is documented in Saint Paul's fourth letter to the Martians:

"And lo, did God say to Moses: "pull over here, I'm dying for a slash". And whilst Our Lord was availing his urine of a nearby tree, Moses did drop a steaming turd on to the grass. And when God had put away his tiny penis, he did blast Moses for his act. "Thou hast strayed from decency" said St. God, "and as pennance this turd stained field shall be for ever remain named The Stray to remind Christendom that you did offend decency so".

Oddly for a town that began as a turd, the percentage of faecal matter content in the town continues to rise to this day. This is largely owing to all the regrettable shits who now live there.

Etymology

One explanation as to why Harrogate is so named is due to the high number of mayors there who have been involved in sex scandals involving harrows. Originally it was called That Posh Town in the North (or That Posh Town Up' Road, as it was known in Leeds). People from "away" call it "Harrow Gate", but to the locals it's known as "T'Arrigut". Yokels from "Up't'Dale" (the hill and valley dwelling tribes of the Yorkshire Dales) sometimes come into the "Big City" to look at the tall buildings and marvel at the electric light and running water. Another explanation is that the name comes from the 'harrowing' experience one may have if attempting to engage one of the pompous, odious, arrogant dickhead inhabitants of the town in a conversation.

Geography

Located somewhere between the east and west coasts of England, Harrogate is a firm favourite for most boring Town to live in 2007, although Thirsk is also a strong contender (which threatens to hit Harrogate over the head repeatedly with a sovereign ring if it does not give up its claim to the title). It is also worth noting that the nearby town of Skipton would loiter around a tediously grey corner while Thirsk beat Harrogate repeatedly over the head with a sovereign ring, taking its crown as Most Boring town in Britain. Once this had taken place, Skipton would wait for what it deduced to be a suitably uninteresting period of time, before putting Thirsk out of its misery with a spuriously mundane method of disposal, possibly an as yet un-known method of murder that in some way involves watching paint dry. Notable features of Harrogate include Skipton Road that completely ignores Harrogate and allows the driver to pass through the Town at a horribly slow speed but nevertheless in the most direct manner. Realising that no-one wanted to stop in the beautiful Town as if they have travelled from Skipton, the buildup of true boredom and disappointment would cause cardiac arrest when they saw what they missed in Harrogate. The people of Harrogate have installed traffic lights every five meters along this highway, hence forcing drivers to suffer the mindnumbing tedium that is the sights of Harrogate.

In such a situation, Health & Safety have issued these guidelines for coping with the endless boredom.

• Tramp Spotting: look out for the world's poshest tramps. It is quite likely they are drinking stuff you couldn't even afford or liked come to that.

• Identifying attractive Harrogate men or women. It is very likely that these (rare) individuals will jump at the chance of leaving Harrogate, as an endless blur in their minds, and getting out of the place alive with you.

Culture

The Harrogate Effect

In Sociology, the Harrogate Effect pertains to occasions where something awful happens to someone in the company of a group, but no one does anything to help. The phenomenon was first observed by the renowned sociologist Jeremy Clarkson on a visit to the town in 1987. On that occasion, a child laid dying in the street whilst Clarkson and a number of the town's residents stood around giving the child a severe ticking off for increasing traffic congestion and lowering house prices.

Harrogate Tramps

Harrogate boasts the poshest tramps in the world. Special Brew cannot be found anywhere in the environs of Harrogate: instead the order of the day is Stella Artois and in some instances Leffe. Harrogate tramps would not deign to drink meths unless presented to them in a heavy bottomed tumbler with a dash of lime and sometimes 'on the rocks' depending on whether the river has frozen over or not (the river is The Nidd, which passes as quickly as it can through the chav-suburb of Bilton). It is also worth noting that Harrogate tramps are so highbrow that their favourite congregation point is the local library, where well meaning locals have provided them with a picturesque Victorian shelter in the gardens. When it is raining theses posh tramps take their drinks inside the Library. Perhaps they are looking for books about cocktail making.

Harrogate Chavs

Harrogate Chavs are the larvae of Harrogate Tramps, mostly located in the broadacres, the less salubrious parts of Bilton, at the Harrogate High and Rossett schools (see below) and anywhere downhill of Jennyfields Drive. They are frequently seen searching the one McDonald’s in the town centre for food at all hours (though this is likely just an excuse to start “beef” with nearby police, who hang around nearby during night hours to babysit them, or hog the upstairs toilets).

Harrogate's Local Celebrity

Most towns have a bafta-bearing actor, a poet laureate or a band "that just went platinum" but Harrogate has Rudy. Rudy is..well, his devotees say "Rudy is God" but some people say "He's a bloody nuisance." Rudy can be seen, inhabiting the town centre, talking at pedestrians, serenading a pretty and nervous-looking girl (particularly blondes), or relieving the general public of cigarettes. On special days, Rudy will sit down on the pavement in the town centre and stare at the sky (if he's in your way, tough!). It is his belief that the statues on top of the Victoria Shopping Centre control the daily actions of the people below.

It is said that he can summon the rain but others use magic words like c_o_i_n_c_i_d_e_n_c_e and b_o_l_l_o_c_k_s. Sometimes, Rudy will use a microphone to spread his word and, at these times, one has to ponder the incidence of global avalanches. Rudi has videos on YouTube and his own Facebook pages entitled, "Rudy is God" and "Rudy from Harrogate."

The Long Road

This is the culture of Harrogate. People who aren't in cars don't have culture, just expensive wine and ridiculous views on fox-hunting. People in cars tend to be from that mystical place "away".

A Laughable Excuse For Education

It is notable that Harrogate has six secondary schools as well as Ashville College despite its tiny size, a number that rivals neighbouring cities.

St. 'Auschwitz' Aidan's Dump of Amazement

St. Auschwitz is so called as it is now home to a large number of tall, black fences, that imprison the school children as they walk to a party speech by the head.It is a "school" run by the Dark Overlord Wood, a hypocrtical oaf who rules the corridors with an iron fist, frequently having students crucified and/or partially mutilated for routine uniform infringements, or their lack of an interest in cricket. He spends much of his remaining time receiving wholly undeserved Orders of the British Empire for the afforementioned maiming of students, and conducting over elaborate publicity stunts. Beware: There is word on the street that this Bible Bashing school has been infiltrated by normal people, as well as the inexplicable perpetual stench in the D.T./Music Gents toilets. I mean, what IS that smell? And the corridors smell of socks.

St. John Fisher's Catholic Paedophilic Institution

Home of 'fitties', drunken chavs, and pathetic wannabe 'rock stars'. As a vehemently Catholic institution, all male pupils are forced to don choirboy outfits and orally satisfy the teaching staff of whom 98% are male, with the other 2% dubious either way. The building itself is falling down and smells of piss. Also renowned for an extremely high amount of teenage pregnancies and plague outbreaks.

Harrogate High School of Super-Definite-Learning, still referred to as 'Granby' by everyone.

Housed in this building is rumoured to be a massive Chav-Magnet. This theory explains the ridiculous amount of Chavs residing in the vicinity. The motto "Students First" is a lie, and should be changed to "Teachers First", which is more appropriate.

Rosset-tastic (Outstanding) Magic Bus Depository

Nobody sane has ever entered this area and returned with aforementioned state of mind. This is why we know little about it. It is with great difficulty that anyone can enter or exit this school given the presence of the bus-labyrinth permanently stationed outside. It's even more full of chavs than Harrogate High, unbelievably. The school runs the ASDAN programme, essentially taming the potentially dangerous and possibly retarded by giving them minor building work and holes to dig, the school has gained a shoddy greenhouse and a minefield from this enterprise. Rossett was built in 1973, originally planned to exist for twenty years, but given the excellent design of the school it has stood for much longer. One of the structure's most notable features is the cunning use of asbestos as appose to safe materials, as of yet no child has died of asbestosis, which, as I'm sure Pattinson Hunter (aka Prat Cunter) would agree, is outstanding.

Harrogate Grammar School - The Asylum

The old main building retains the charm of a Georgian asylum (an attribute that is soon reflected in its inmates) and the HGS inmates WILL be educated...OR ELSE! Given the choice between a swimming pool and a clock tower, the then-fuhrer opted for the incredibly dull and non-functioning clock tower, to further crush the spirits of his already broken prisoners (it's character-building) who were then able to utilise said clock tower as a method of blessed release, by queuing up to jump off it. Anything is permissible at HGS (except the tiniest thing “incorrect” about your uniform) and fresh victims can expect regular beatings, extensive bullying, ritualistic humiliation and compulsive torture. Expiration is common but also acceptable and the likelihood is that no one will even notice. Inmates who emerge alive can be recognised by a wide-eyed stare, facial twitching, extreme paranoia and a defence mechanism that would put a military veteran with PTSD to shame...they should be considered dangerous and should not be approached but they WILL have a decent set of grades...or else.

King James's School - Your Last Resort

This cornucopia of filth and incest was Knaresborough's pathetic attempt at education and has now been re-designed into a miniature theme park in the image of Hull. The former pupils (who are usually referred to as 'The Family', due to the fact they are all related) now infest the streets of Knaresborough, performing acts of anal violence towards small woodland creatures and giving oral sex to old women for digestive biscuits.