Burnham-on-Sea

“At least we don't live in Bridgewater.”

~ residents of Burnham on not living in Bridgewater

Burnham pier may be shortest in the country, but size is not everything. Not that what I just said is implying that I have a small penis. Because I don't.

Burnham-on-Sea (Latin prefix: Radiatominous Burhaminous Exinferri) is a town in Somerset, England, at the mouth of the River Parrett and Bridgwater Bay. Burnham remained a small village until the late 18th century, but is now a popular seaside resort for those too drunk to successfully navigate to Weston-super-Mare. It is considerably better than Portishead, and wins over Clevedon because the birds are far easier to shag.

Location

The settlement of Burnham-on-Sea lies on the Somerset coast of the United Kingdom. Not quite far enough down the cost towards Cornwall for it to actually be worth visiting, but the water does smell a lot better than it does at Severn Beach. This up market flavour to the air brings the more affluent residents of Merthyr Tydfil flocking in large convoys of coaches who then fill the 2 amusement arcades full of their hard earned change. Often then trapped buy the returning toll charge at the Severn bridge these people are then forced to live out the rest of their lives in Burnham looking out over the Bristol Channel as the windmills gently blow their home country of Wales further from their grasp.

Pulling birds from there

Unlike girls from Weston-Super-Mare pulling a bird from Burnham usually requires you having a car. Let's face it, they are going to want you to drive them to Weston. There is after all, jack all in Burnham. Once you get your bird to Weston it will then be essential to get her full of Lambrini in order to facilitate the quickest possible leg over under the Weston Pier. Which is, let's face it considerably larger than the pier at Burnham.

The Town

• Comprising of 9 fish markets, 2 lighthouses & a Snooker revenge weapon facility, Burnham-on-Sea is a marvel of modern day living. OK. It's not. But we do have a pier. Not a long one, but still it's nice.
• Recent estimates put the overall population at around 25,000 the majority of whom smell like wet dog, or could look & sound like one if deemed absolutely necessary.
• Major imports include Welsh grannies with cocker spaniels, and exports include the life boat, sticks of rock and handbags made out of the skin of old welsh ladies.