Watford
Watford is a marvellous (if you squint) town situated in the heroic province of Hertfordshire. Being a satellite town of London, Watford is permanently under threat from the omnipotent arms of London, who have been attempting to engulf the entire country into its administrative area for many years. During the 1970s, Barnet, a recent casualty of the London expansionist policy, secretly sent its entire population of women and children to Watford for safe-keeping, while the men of Barnet attempted to fight off the influx of London business cunts who were slowly infiltrating the historic Barnet property market. Unfortunately the London business cunts won, and as such Barnet is now awash with a mixture of peasants and financial advisers. Also, increasingly oligarchical real-estate agents.
The good men and women of Watford now fear the same fate will befall them, and as such they are desperately trying to make the town look as hideous as possible so that any possible London business cunts pass through to Milkman Keynes. In an effort to do this, a giant metal structure of a hornet was constructed on the High Street made from the spoils of colonial actions in Sri Lanka, mostly melted-down swords and steel underwear common in Colombo due to the British army's penchant for buggery when subjugating rice-farmers. The scary hornet statue is meant to symbolise the fact that nobody likes hornets, just as nobody likes Watford.
Industry[edit | edit source]
Like so many pointless provincial towns, Watford has no industry to speak of. The Harlequin centre was the only landmark in the area, and provided well over 95% of all Watford jobs, but a stupid investor decided to buy it, renaming it "Intu Watford", harvesting its soul and destroying it forever. Their business shortly thereafter went bust when it was discovered that a 99% homeless crack-addled population has little appetite for commerce. Desperate measures to rescue the franchise resulted in many shops having their names changed, with their products subsequently being exclusively crack-related. Due to crack's illegality, no actual crack could be sold by vendors in the shopping centre, so places such as Primark (renamed to Prime Crack) had to make do with selling crack-inspired merchandise such as shirts with pithy references to the misery of addiction. Surprisingly, this did not catch on. Literally everybody in Watford hated that their shopping centre had been renamed with a typo in the logo but the management decided they knew best and that Tipp-Ex is expensive in bulk. There are currently talks by revolutionary dissidents to rename what was once The Harlequin to a lyric from a Justin Bieber record to get in touch with the youth. A mediocre retail centre, Watford has a wide variety of shops from which the population of both Watford and other towns can buy objects to make their lives marginally less depressing. Watford's tolerance of 'outside' consumers has led to it being credited as the the epicentre of globalisation, as hitherto Watford's epiphany during the 1980s trade was allowed only within town walls.
Grand Union Canal[edit | edit source]
Watford's main tourist attraction is the Grand Union Canal. Its meandering through Cassiobury Park allows an unrivalled, up-close glimpse at the majestic, historic waterway. Nets and large magnets are available (for a small charge) so that tourists can retrieve a souvenir from the Canal. Many people come away with souvenirs ranging from ha'pennies, used condoms, empty fag packets, dairy milk wrappers and moss to shopping trolleys, scrap iron and dead fish. Local legend has it that one lucky punter retrieved an entire three-piece suite, which he sold to Watford Football Club for use in their executive boxes. A 4-year-old boy once retrieved a 500kilogram WWII German bomb in mint condition. That boy shortly thereafter migrated to 12 different constituencies simultaneously in all directions at high speed. This has led to him being accused of voter fraud by Donald Trump.
Every year on the 6th of April, the 'Great Recovery' occurs in Cassiobury Park, where a large proportion of the town gathers to scour the Canal for any useful items which have been thrown away by the relative aristocracy upstream in Oxford. One time, a family of four thought they'd found the University of Oxford's invaluable golden bust of Winston Churchill's face, but after further inspection by the town archaeological expert, Dave, it was determined it was in fact an ungodly collection of Ferrero Rocher wrappers haphazardly bound together with excrement. Some gypsies ended up selling it back to Oxford using this misconception in an act of extreme cunning and were able to get enough money in return to buy and then sell every Tesco supermarket in Watford to China, meaning many of them are now manufacturing munitions and armoured vehicles en masse. In an act of great communal altruism, useful items are all donated to the Council, who are able to recycle them for use elsewhere in the community. Some of the many success stories of the 'Great Recovery' include Watford General's annual supply of medical syringes, only 18.6% laced with hepatitis C, and Watford Football Club's supply of match balls.
Boris Johnson has applauded Watford's approach, recently telling the Commons that Watford is a 'shining light' to those Councils who laze about, waiting for the government to provide them with money. On the basis of Watford's recycling success, Boris Johnson is soon to pass a bill removing government funding for the supply of medical syringes, and will concurrently pass a bill requiring all Councils to recover syringes from local waterways. It is thought that due to a large increase in HIV infections as a result of this policy, Britain's population can be reduced to a "manageable level" and the NHS can save money and eventually be sold off to Philip Morris tobacco, the profits to be distributed amongst MPs and the other illuminati.
Surrounding Areas[edit | edit source]
Watford is surrounded by similarly satisfactory ambiguous groupings of mud, concrete and pollution (technically towns). Hemel Hempstead, for example, is world-famous for having the least number of objects per household in Western Europe. Taking Watford's example to its natural conclusion, Dacorum Borough Council builds, on average, 300,000 houses per annum in its administrative area, usually over previous areas of employment, green belt land and agricultural land. As such, Hemel Hempstead has the remarkable job creation level of 0.02% per annum, while population is increasing by, on average, 480% per annum due to aphrodisiacs being injected into the water supply by a disgruntled civil-servant in 1986. Such visionary thought has again been applauded by the government, who last year awarded the Mayor of Hemel Hempstead the Victoria Cross, as Hemel Hempstead beat the government housing target for the year 2010 by a remarkable 2600%.
Hemel is primarily famous for its road network, it containing the internationally-recognised "8th Wonder Of The World", the Magic Roundabout. It is said to be magic because whenever you enter the roundabout, no matter from which direction, and no matter your plans previously, you will be guided to take the only way that means leaving Hemel Hempstead as quickly as possible. Witches are suspected in this phenomenon by the local council, or at least by the few council-members left. The only people still remaining in Hemel Hempstead are those without driving licences nor dreams and hopes for the future.
St Albans is another major town which is nearby. St Albans is full to the brim with self-important London business cunts - mentioned hitherto - and as such the narrow streets are packed with large Audis and Range Rovers, who will not at any point give way to you if there is an obstacle on their side of the road. Audis typically have a pretentiously-shaped bonnet in order to most easily deflect peasants in and around St Albans during high-speed collisions in the market square. The only other occupants of St Albans are the offspring of London Business cunts, who usually comprise of screeching, slutty posh girls dressed in daft colours and poncy, aviator-wearing posh blokes who spend half their time in Topman and the other half looking in the mirror. This is reflected in the fact that St Albans has a direct train line to Brighton, so that poncy St Albans Topshoppers can meet fellow poncy Topshoppers on the South Coast. It is also possible to commute to St Albans using a train from Watford North station, a station some believe may not actually exist, a bit like Platform nine-and-three-quarters in Harry Potter but real, extremely dull and definitively less magical.
Watford Football Club[edit | edit source]
Watford Football Club is a middling football club with a three sided ground, lacking in funding to the extent that the pitch at Vicarage Road resembles a ploughed field. Previously an international football powerhouse, Watford FC has suffered from a series of events which have led to its decline from the international footballing scene. The most notable of these events was the lesser known Watford FC Potato Famine of 2006 where the potatoes grown on the Vicarage Road pitch during close season failed. With crowds that season dwindling to 31 depressed single fathers, the income lost from the annual potato harvest forced the club to sell its star player James Chambers to Doncaster Rovers. Unable to cope with the loss of such a mercurial talent, Watford slumped to a record breaking season of 0 points, saved from relegation only through the points deductions given to several teams by Paul Ince for their lack of black managers.
Watford Football Club is implicated in 98.3% of knife and gun crime in the town and it is in fact the first building in history to have been arrested and handcuffed by the Met Police. They were unable to process the suspect in several murder cases due to it being too large to fit into a cell. The police described this as a "bummer" and are currently attempting a sting operation, meaning they plan to imbue the hornet statue on the Watford High Street with pagan mysticism to give it life-force in order to fight Vicarage Road Stadium to the death in single-combat.