Failsworth

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Failsworth, or Faliswort as it was know a million years ago, sits between the comely towns of Oldham (Old Ham called so becauase of its distict smell of rotting bacon) and Madchester (also known as Manchester to the southerners). It is Widely debated whether Failsworth is but then Decided on the Outcome "Its in Both and neither and I don't give a shit anymore." Anyone who disagree's with this is Invited to Blow there brains out with a revolver and not tell me. No one south of Newton Heath knows of itss existence. Many Failsworth people carry spare cigarettes which are not intended to be smoked, but given to 12 year old boys.

Buses Run from Oldham To Failsworth but who want to go to Oldham? My head looks good without bruises and stab marks from a drunken mob, Ta.

Local Attractions

The Failsworth Pole

The majestic pole (which is now a cock tower due to the fact most Failsworthians couldnt afford a watch after the WW2) stands in the centre of the town and was once a gathering place on May Day for the local pig farmers and their families (actually family as in fact the entire town's ancestry can be traced back to one randy pig farmer in 3 million BC) is now used as a meeting place for people with no watches and chavs from far and wide that come for a "piss up around the pole".

Unfortunately for the local watering holes the chav mostly drinks water to elevate their dehydration caused by their incessant need for the chemical known as ecstasy. Luckily, what the public houses don't make in the sale of beers they make up with the sale of prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.

After consuming a packet of these crisps if you listen carefully you can hear them "say" (after sticking their fingers to their nose) "that smells like your wife's twat that does" and laughing profusely as if they actually made a joke.

After several pints of water and 12 packets of crisps (and possibly some chemical intake) they become incapable of human intellect and suffer vast problems with communication. This sparks the usual "Friday night kick off" around the pole (clock tower) which the local constabulary choose ignore until it's all over.

Tesco

After pumping millions of pounds of the lotto fund into the town and opening the canal so that people can get mugged more easily or road down by teenage motorcyclists the massive food chain cunningly built a 24/7 Tesco superstore on its banks.

This is the only shop in Failsworth to feature automated chav proof trolleys. The trolleys are designed to be free of charge, thus no pound coin is needed to take one. These trolleys keep a chav entertained for hours on end as they steal them and run off to the banks of Rochdale Canal and spend hours looking for the slot the money goes in.

After realising they can't actually find one, they help the local metal recyling drive by placing the trolley in the very handy canal for later gathering by the local council.

The Rochdale Canal

The Rochdale Canal is, despite its name, in Failsworth and was only named in sympathy of the Rochdalians because they had nothing named after their town, unlike Failsworth from which the term fail derives.

The canal was opened up again in 2001 and its banks are teeming with local wildlife. The Fucking-off-his-face Chav is a frequent visitor, as is the Mugging Hoodie and on weekends you may be lucky enough to see the Ive-just-knicked-this-bike fly past you at speed. The Common Dogger is regularly sighted in secluded areas along the canal and one common dogger, Mark Wilkinson, was recently elected Local Councillor, being rewarded by the community for the group sex parties he hosts with his wife Kathleen at their trash palace on Lord Lane.

The canal also hosts local cuisine such as "the duck" and "the swan". Not usual cuisine for the local but they dont even know they're eating it as they tuck into their kebabs on a Friday night after 16 pints of the local piss beer, lucky devils.

Intergration

Failsworth is known for its racial harmony, though some observers have noted that this harmony is mainly due to the fact that only white Anglo-Saxons live there. This can be seen to be true by driving through the town towards Old Ham - you won't see one single orange front door, unwashed lace curtains or Polish flag amongst the houses.

This all ends as soon as you hit the well known town of Werneth on the way to Old Ham. The local council there is still battling for a name change to Wernethstan but it is receiving fierce opposition from its neighbouring Failsworth saying that this would only encourage more integration and equality.

As part of its new integration scheme, there are three Chinese Chippies, two kebab shops, and one taxi agency.

Sport

Failsworth hosts the largest sporting college in the North West and would produce some of the world's finest sportsmen and women if anyone actually went to school.

Surprisingly, all of the sports in Failsworth are water sports such as "Bricking the ducks", "Hurling" (throwing trolleys in the canal), "Car jacking" (then throwing them in the canal) and "Fishing" (or "throwing the fishermen in the canal" as it is also known).

These passtimes are of vast importance to the local youth and some are currently being considered for inclusion in the Olympic Games. According to rumours within the Olympic Committee, the 2016 Games will be the first to include "Bricking the ducks" as an actual event - something of which Failworth is very proud indeed.

"Beating the homo" is also becoming a popular sport, though it has upset the local water sports committee chairman who has gone on record to state: "These fuckers should be doin' wot cums naturally instead of kickin' shit outta poofs".

Crime

Crime is pretty much unknown in Failsworth as the Police station closes between 9 a.m. and 8 a.m. the following morning. If you are caught committing any crime during this period of inactivity you are thrown into Crime Lake in Woodhouses never to be seen again. Of course this isn't a possiblity as your usual criminal is tucked up in bed by then and therefor Failsworth boasts the lowest crime rate in the country.

See Also

• Manchester
• The People's shithole republic of Oldham