Hemel Hempstead

Hemel Hempstead
A picture of Hemel Hempstead before the shortages of1999
Motto: "In the internet we trust "
Civic anthem: 'Hemel you very nice place'
State	England
Official nickname	Where's that?
Official language(s)	Swearing, Violence, Swedish, Gaelic, primitive grunts
Mayor	Mugabe
Established	1946 by Ye oldy farmer man
Currency	Cigar, Class A Drugs,porno, water, nitrogen, copper
Opening hours	9:00am till late (signed on)

“They came all over me with their sharpened sticks and stole my porn”

~ A Londoner on The Hemelites

“Those Hemelites appear to have come from Hemel Hempstead”

~ captain obvious on on

Hemel Hempstead is a new town in the south of England, created (in part) to house the homeless people of London after they had lost their homes to bombing raids. The town was also designed to be self sufficient and as an unforeseen effect, no one ever leaves once they arrive. With no one leaving Hemel Hempstead it was ultimately forgotten about by the rest of the world.

The uprising

Hemel from the air.

With the people of Hemel Hempstead (the Hemelites) quickly running out of the essential supplies of food, water, porn, cigars and hospitals. The Hemelites formed into roaming bands of murderous cultists and the shortage of supplies wasn't helping this fact. The town was becoming desperate and ever angrier with each day that pasted without any media attention since the oil storage depot disaster of 2005.

At a time when the once brilliant town was ready to give up, warlord Robert Gabriel Mugabe (chief of the conservative gang) was voted in to lead the Hemelites to rise up and march on London to take back the homes, porn, farms and cigars from the evil Londoners. The Hemelites, now under the loving command of Mugabe started to build their weapons of war;

• The sharpened stick – this was often a twig or large pencil that was sharpened and used as a melee weapon.
• The war chariots- consisted of two or more bikes duck-taped together to form a stable base from which a Hemelite knight would stand on and throw large rocks, whilst being pull by dogs (or ugly women).
• Dictionaries – with little use for them in Hemel Hempstead, a man by the name of ‘Conan the librarian’ realised that heavy books hurt, when thrown at smart people.

Once the people were with him, the weapons where ready and the women in their cages, Mugabe addressed the town from a menacing tower with a volcano back drop. Although later claims that this was simply a scene stolen from the Lord of the Rings, his speech was considered one of his finest speeches on the matter of raiding helms deep (the London gateway).

The battle for London

No, you are not stoned. Well, you might be, but it really does look like this

The battle for London was historically the largest conflict in the south east of England since, farmer’s market riots; both of which were equally poorly documented leading to some to suggest they never happen.

“ Liars! ”

The Hemelites only live 26 miles from London so the walk lasted a short 5 days, with much plundering along the way and a memorable little chef stop (yay beans! Om nom nom nom..). It was on the Wednesday morning of the 36th of august 1981, that the Hemelites where first spotted dragging their knuckles as they galloped down the M25 to Richmond-upon-Thames (this is a part of London, okay?.

The witnesses heard shout phrases in their primitive language such as

“We shall not tolerate your dismissive views of our beloved town” and “you traitorous swine’s, we will reclaim our former homes to preserve our way of life”.

The brave thousands charged at the unprepared city boarded and quickly over whelmed the tenacious child defenders. They continued their fighting through the shit areas of London (as Mugabe predicted Boris Johnson wouldn’t protect these poorer people), as planed claiming great victories over they many dangerous nurseries, corner shops, homeless drunk locals, off licences, flats and most importantly to Mugabe’s plan; the porn shops. With the looted porn, blood filled the streets, followed by other bodily fluids, proving a great moral boast to the tired troops. The first day of the conflict resulted in many casualties;

• Hemelite dead; 347
• Mugabe dead; 0
• Poor Londoners; 2789
• Rich bastards; 1 (a slow fat guy)
• Live stock; sorry ran out of fingers and toes to count with.

The edge of defeat

As the war progressed the Hemelites lost momentum despite controlling most of the housing estates and off-licences as they were attacked by the richer citizens in Land Rover attack raids. Mugabe found it hard to retain leadership in these times, force to use fear (fear of the credit crunch) to prevent disloyalty because he claimed he would fix the economy once he governs London.

The angry Scottish

Braveheart rallied his angry Scots to finally take down the evil Boris

Boris Johnson was now leading the armies of the Londoners, with advanced weapons such as bulbar land rovers, the NHS, massive law books and pointy artwork. The cockneys have been described as being almost a strong as a Hemelite and much more popular, which proved deadly in many small battles around the city.

The hemelites once more resorted to stealing a scene from lord of the rings, as on the 5th day, in first light, over a really big hill came Gandalf, I mean Braveheart and the Scottish. At a time when he citizens of Hemel Hempstead had given up on their porno-cigar fantasies, the Scottish (who have long sort after defeating London) saw their chance to attack the weaken dictator (Boris of course) and aid Mugabe’s noble freedom fighting. The rich where offended by the naked Scottish, and attacked immediately. The rich bastards, the Hemelites and the Scottish all charged with their previously reserved best weapons that were;

• The Mugabe special; mobs of police in the back of pick up drive across the border and beat the opposition into voting for out lovely leader.
• Boris’s M.R.S.A; harvested from all the local hospitals, the elderly where infected and used as missiles from the Tower of London cannons.
• The Scots' heavy accents; my god, have you heard them? I haven't a as clue to what they’re saying.

Hemel Hempstead’s glorious victory

In amongst the screams, and accents witnesses reported of how the battle was finally lost for the Londoners. They describe seeing Boris’s elite cockneys, which surrounded him of the battlefield fall to the mobs and voted against Boris. In his weakened state Mugabe was seen charging his famous “Hadouken” attack, just before he destroyed Boris in his sub-atomic blast thus defeating the evil forces of London, liberating Hemel Hempstead from its ‘porn/cigar’ shortage and producing an Oscar nominated movie which lost out to Titanic at the awards ceremony.

Industry

• Oil storage depot (what's left of it)
• The magic roundabout
• The Kodak building
• Screwfix Direct
• Wallyworld Dump

Economy

It is widely accepted the by even the largest institutions, such as the Bank of England that Hemel Hempstead is entering a prosperous era despite the credit crunch. Hemel was largely unaffected by the credit crunch thanks to its self sufficiency, with the local raw material price of stone, wood and moonshine remaining stable. In light of this immunity to the credit crunch Alistair Darling, visited Hemel to learn of their secrets and announced a start of it independence from the normal ‘FTSE 100', in favour of Hemel own new ‘HH 58’. This bold move has put Hemel’s economy on the world stage ahead of nations such as Belgium and The Isle of Man. A great success for the might Mugabe and he group of radical economists, who disproved Gordon Brown’s theory that he would course massive inflation. On a lesser note Alistair Darling Failed to return to number 11 after his trip, giving rise to fears that he has become lost or captured by local Hemelites. Our thoughts go out to his friends and family.

Imports

Hemel Hempstead will, from time to time seek outside help or services for giggles and shits.

• Cigars

• Porn (mainly from Indonesia)

• Primark

• Mc Donald’s

• Burger king

• Lost tourists

• Silly people (not to be confused with the tourists)

Exports

For those who know where to look,

• Plumes of black smoke
• Patients needing a hospital
• Angry crusading Hemelites
• Utility Sporks
• Mutants
• Noise
• Pregnant teenagers
• Speedweed
• Sexually transmitted diseases

Silver screen stardom

Hemel Hempstead has been responsible for providing location hotspots for many Hollywood blockbusters. The most well known being the recent Will Smith movie "I am Legend". Francis Lawerence did say once in an interview,

“ The inspiration really came from watching Ross Kemp on Gangs in Hemel Hempstead. The lifeless zombie-like people that were telecasted and which usually come out at night by the old landfill site, now known as "Leisure World", where the perfect image of what a world ridden with extreme disease and cannibalism would look like. Once I decided that this is where the movie was to be set, there were many political issues surrounding the local mayor Mugabe, as he demanded a regular supply of votes from the film crew and wanted Will Smith to be involved in his political rallies. ”