Rotherham
| People's Republic of Rotherham | |
|---|---|
| |
| Form of Government: | Enlightened Communism |
| Official Languages: | Chav, Polish |
| Population: | Undisclosed by Party |
| Racial Composition: | Undisclosed by Party |
| Religions: | Adherence to Party Policy |
| Neighbouring States: | Socialist Workers' Republic of Yorkshire, United Kingdom |
| Principal imports: | Operates Policy of Autarky |
| Principal exports: | Undisclosed by Party |
“Wow, this place is really shit.”
“Finally there are leftwing loonies who do not work for us. Who wants to write of some fosterhome facility in Rotherham?”
The People's Republic of Rotherham - locally 'Rovrum' - is a landlocked satellite state of the former USSR, produced through an amorous collision between pig excrement and the Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet. These illicit origins have led to Vladimir VII's denial of Rotherham’s existence and his cynical stratagem to remove it from all maps and government funding initiatives. Holy Emperor Chairman Blair, thought to be complicit in these machinations, most recently said, under state interrogation, “Rotherham? Where’s that? Well, I’ve certainly never heard of it before. Are you sure it exists? Like, no shitting around, mo’fo?” Rotherham was formerly a member-state of the Socialist Workers' Republic of Yorkshire but declared unilateral independence in 1997 following the beginning of Moore's Cultural Revolution (see below).
Described by Oscar Wilde as “the most attractive arrangement of human refuse since last night’s chicken Vindaloo”, Rotherham consists primarily of crack dens and farming collectives watched over by the vengeful ghost of Arthur Scargill, who is wont to savagely suppress all murmurs of dissent, such as in the Tiananmen Square 12-in-a-Cage Super Smackdown Event of July 2005, also known as Geldof Aid. Owing to its semi-subterranean position, Rotherham receives as much as four hours of sunlight per day, during which the prisoners risk being picked off by working-class Dinosaurs skimming Dane Bowers CDs. The general impression has been likened to The Sound of Music, and even more so to the scenes involving Jean Claude Van-Damme in the Party-approved 1987 sequel, The Sound of Music II: Retributive Measures (a landmark in socialist realism). By night, individual Rotherhamites (or Chuffs) search for displaced Party members and legitimate father figures, before returning to bathe in Vodka Kick.
Syphilis and Juvenile Pregnancy[edit | edit source]
Like Hogwarts and France, Rotherham is a hotbed for untreated recipients of Syphilis, which is described as a ‘Blessing in Disguise’ and commemorated by ‘Lesions on the Penis’ day, December 25. This is not to be confused with ‘Lessons on the Penis’ week, which is enjoyed by all nine year-olds on a monthly basis. In a related matter, the Party has been pressed to explain the incidence of under-16 pregnancies in Rotherham, a statistic in which the Republic currently ranks eighth highest according to international tables. The ‘Glorious People’s Diktat’ of 1 Janurary 2007 promised to restore Rotherham’s status as regional leader within seven lunar cycles.
The Sarlacc[edit | edit source]
This alien beast, with an estimated challenge rating of 35 and over twelve hundred hit points, is known to reside beneath the Tesco River, where buskers, preggo welfare-cheats and Kosovan asylum-seekers have been known to 'fall' into it. Like Princess Diana, it has been described as a vagina dentata. In 2003 the Sarlacc mercilessly consumed the nearby town of Doncaster and swore allegiance to J.K. Rowling, supreme uber-mistress of that shithole Leeds. This event caused Derbyshire to spontaneously combust and can reportedly be seen from the moon in clear atmospheric conditions. Over the last decade, strategies suggested to appease the Sarlacc have included the sacrifice of young virgins (of which none can be found) and the composition of a ceremonial song which, bizarrely, is an exact replica of God Save the Queen.
The Zulu War and Subsequent Reforms under Moore’s Cultural Revolution[edit | edit source]
For the larger part of its modern history, between stardate 7340.3 and 1997, Rotherham was the central Soviet outpost against incursions from the marauding Zulu Bourgeoisie forces. During this dark and sometimes mauve epoch, 124% of the population were obliterated, but a further 62% were resurrected through Necromancy reliant on the Battle Magic Expansion Pack, costing only £20. Coming down to a do-or-die confrontation between the two rival leaders, Shaka “Fire Loins” Zulu (the 440th descendent of Michael Caine), and Ronnie “Commissar” Moore (a disgruntled local handloom weaver who cut his political teeth in the Newport Rebellion of eighteen thirty-something), Moore initiated combat by singing the lyrics to Sophie Ellis Bextor’s Me and My Imagination in a falsetto voice so loud that it was heard in 1839. Shaka promptly cashed in his chips and left the casino, heralding an era of peace and chronic recession.
Historians agree that the most immediate repercussion of Shaka’s concession was the onset of Moore’s ‘Great Rotherhamitian Cultural Revolution’, during which the Party strengthened its iron-grip on the collective by fusing it with a steel-titanium alloy. The ‘New Deal’ was instituted, giving subjects giro-bank slips if they would agree to inform upon all heretics and political dissidents (all of whom, it was scientifically proven, were Polish immigrants working in the car-wash industry). This lasted for 8 first division seasons until Moore was ousted by the Rotherham Mafia and a deranged scrap-metal dealer, thought to be the fifth incarnation of Genghis Khan’s death-cycle.
Rotherham as a Subatomic Particle[edit | edit source]
Comparable in mass and significance to a cobalt ion carrying a double positive charge, Rotherham has proved inert with various reagents, including Chlorine gas, academic ambition and progressive free-market individualism. By contrast, it reacts violently and exothermically with Thatcherism in a process that normally utilises a catalyst of alcohol and nostalgia. Asked about this on virulent racist Kilroy’s chat show on 7 March 1994 (the same day that Kilroy's BMW went missing), Rotherham replied, ‘dunt fucin staw t’owt mate, a’l brek tha nos’, and was included thereafter in the Oxford Dictionary of Literary Quotations (OUP, 1995).
The Future of Rotherham[edit | edit source]
According to the Koran, Rotherham will soon devolve into a primordial soup of kebab packaging:
| “ | Yea, verily, there will be a mighty conflagration, and the nonbelievers shall be consumèd, and much sex will ensure, more sex than you can possible imagine, nay, more still, involving animals of various weights, and the wolf shall lie with the cub. (20:59) | ” |
The meaning of this statement remains highly contested, having at one time led to the Fourth War in Iraq, known colloquially as The 2014 Great Bunker-Buster Wank-Off. Ever-apt, Wilde reflected (following a night out in Rotherham's typhus-infested clubbing district), ‘Me an m’a bird wo comin aat, an it worall jus’ feghtin – Naa mate, I in’t pissed up, Naa, propa neva reght – s’tha’ lookin’ at ma bird?’
Famous Rotherhamites[edit | edit source]
While fame (like ambition, sobriety and virginity) is frowned upon in Rotherham, some entities conceived and/or born there have become recognised outside of the Republic. Most of these beings either escaped to the 'safe haven' of Sheffield and the Yorkshire Socialist Republic, or otherwise dared to throw themselves into the syringe-ridden torrent of the Tesco River.
Rotherham is most famous for 'producing' the Chuckle Brothers (who were literally produced during a botched attempt to clone Cannon and Ball in Rotherham Central Library), as well as being the birthplace of David Seamen, a moustached porn actor who moonlighted as an international goalkeeper. Allegedly, the blunder that knocked England out of the 2002 World Cup was a result of Seamen's fatigue - he had stayed up until 3 a.m. the previous evening filming 'Seamen, Semen and Seamen' in a mocked-up North Sea setting somewhere in the Sea of Japan.
The nearby village of Thorpe Hesley plays host to Richard 'Chud' Carter, who for many years was 'H' in the Rotherham area's second best Steps tribute band. Since the camp pop career dried up, he has dedicated his life to fervent anti-mushroom campaigning, and can regularly be seen driving around the surrounding areas screaming "DIRTY MUSHROOMS!!!" while listening to old S Club 7 cassettes on his car stereo. Richard has memorised the exact geographical location, phone number and menu of every takeaway in Britain, but should any of the dishes he orders inadvertently contain the aforementioned detested foodstuff, violent reprisals usually follow. Mr Carter lives in a luxury flat next door to the Lion public house, where he spends most of his days off. He has his own bar stool, and an engraved tankard hanging on a hook. He is Chief Judge of the annual "Miss Thorpe Hesley" beauty contest and can often be seen chasing the finalists round the park in a Benny Hill-stylee. He never tries too hard to catch them though! Richard was voted South Yorkshire's greatest fictional celebrity of 2010 in a poll conducted by the Rotherham Evening Press.
There is also the scabby woman that works in the bus station. She picked a mag up out of a bin and read it once, i saw her do it. Scruff.