Boscombe
Boscombe is an over/unrated 'town' full of charity shops, the dead and Poundland stores. It was first unveiled to the world in 1999 by Captain Peg, a drug addict from nearby Scandinavia when, on holiday in Bournemouth, he asked someone where he could get some morphine cheap. (Unfortunately, the great explorer was killed six months later, either by the high-pitched noise by the fountain in the high street, or by the cholera he contracted while leaning on the wall at the train station.) Boscombe is perhaps most notable for considering Greggs to be upmarket. It is said to be one of the last places in Britain unaffected by the current recession, although this may be because it is still deep in the recession that struck the area fifty years earlier.
The Gene Pool and Disease[edit | edit source]
The gene pool of Boscombe is severely restricted (and I should know, I'm a biologist) hilighted by a recent investigation by the World Leader of Knowledge and Arrogance, Richard Dawkins. This is due to severe inbreeding of the inhabitants, meaning an increased level of usually scarce recessive diseases such as SUHS (sudden unexploded head syndrome) and PAS (Poundland-adoring syndrome), a disease so rare that it is not known to occur outside the area. (Though I bet if they opened one in New Milton the disease would spread there, they just seem like the type.) Other diseases expressed include "Floggitandleggit", "Cashyourchequesinanyofthesethousandsshopscalled'CashYourCheques'" and "Hamburgerology". Scientists remain baffled and cures remain unfound, though shooting has been suggested by many of the world's leading doctors.
Train Station[edit | edit source]
The train station in Boscombe is actually called Pokesdown, in a vague attempt to trick passengers off the train. However, no-one actually lives in Pokesdown, they all live in 'Southbourne', 'King's Park' or, most bizarrely, Boscombe itself. The station itself consists of a bin and a pile of bricks to sit on. When the walls turn suitably green, Network Rail may paint the offending area in order to cover up the potentially pathogenic area. Four trains stop each hour, for some reason.
The Beach[edit | edit source]
The beach is currently under refurbishment to include a reef, in the hope that the chavs may turn to surfers and spare the local residents. At night it houses over two thousand million drug users. The pier is sadder than that sad song by Johnny Cash, you know, the one where he knows he's going to die. This would render him in fact happier than most of the residents of the area, who can only dream of escape.
Celebrities on Boscombe[edit | edit source]
"I'd rather die than go to Boscombe." - Johnny Cash.
"This is perfect!" - The Devil.
"Where hoBOS COME from." - The Sun's cryptic crossword writer.
"Dear God!" - Richard Dawkins.
"I should have set up business here" - Frank Lucas
Boscombe in the Media[edit | edit source]
Boscombe was the setting for all those TV license adverts, you know, where they don't pay and their house is grey.
Boscombe inhabitants supplied inspiration for the book and subsequent film "Trainspotting".
Wikipedia says the following about Boscombe: "The presence of drug dealers and high crime rates, along with mainly small and pokey houses have deemed most of the area as unsophisticated."
Until recently it was believed Christian Bale was born in Boscombe hospital (which had to be torn down in the hope the locals would stop reproducing) but Louise Edwards was mistaken with this information as he actually lived in Charminster.