Letchworth Garden City
“Home of the toaster.”
“My Realm, the jewel in my crumbling crown!”
“You can only judge a shit hole by the turds that pass through it.”
“I WANT THOSE TREES, KILL ANYONE WHO OBJECTS!!”
Letchworth Garden City in Hertfordshire was created as a dominium in its own right by Roman Emperor Caligula in AD 30. It was a principality on the border of the Roman empire but would be governed totally in matters of state by Countess Fern Britton of Israel.
Letchworth was originally designed to house Roman miscreants and evil Persian meat sellers although it lay practically dormant for nearly 2000 years and acted as stop-gap for Angles, Saxons, Normans and Lorraines as they were travelling on their way to 'somewhere nicer, Like Cambridge, or Hitchin'.
Countess Fern eventually moved back to Israel in 1933 and her abscence sowed the seeds for a new dictatorial leadership to arise.
Letchworth eventually began to flourish financially and demographically when home rule was eventually established by the Facist Heritage Foundation (known as the 'Green Shorts') in 1942 under the dictatorship of Herr Stuart Kenny and his Reich Marshall Melanie Pernfors.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Letchworth has approximately 312,554 residents. Half of which aren't literate. Some of the literate ones include my mother, myself and my spaniel, Jess. In 1997 the army blew up Norton School because no pupils had passed their GCSEs for 4 years. However there is a private school in the town affectionately known as 'St Chris' - named after Christina Aguilera who opened her legs as she opened the school back in 1966, although the school costs about £12,000 a term and all the pupils are druggies.
There is no Mosque in Letchworth, but rest assured if there was, it would add a touch of class to the place.
The main religion is Tequila, with a salt and lemon communion every other sunday.
Famous Residents[edit | edit source]
Marilyn Monroe was said to own a chalet bungalow down Spring Road, although this was never confirmed. Ross Kemp was rumoured to have lived here too, although yet again this is unconfirmed. There are also a load of other unconfirmed celebrities that have apparently lived here but being 'unconfirmed' is no fucking good is it?
Industry & Leisure[edit | edit source]
Letchworth boasts the Worlds first ever Wetherspoons Public House with an antiquarian Slot Machine called Tina McNasty. As alcohol culture is said to have orginated in Letchworth (Caligula affectionately recalled Letchworth and Fern in his memoirs: absentem laedit cum ebrio qui litiga To quarrel with a fat drunk is to wrong a woman who is not even there) it's no suprise that half the population under 30 are alcoholics. The other half are on crack cocaine. Or so my mum's friend Irene told her and she knows everything because she works for the police.
Most of the people that work in Letchworth are brought in from a human body factory owned by Simon Cowell situated just off the A1M near the Jackman's Estate. The factory uses cloned body parts of failed reality TV acts like Kate Lawler and Shayne Ward and can make a non talking human being in less than 4 hours; which is ideal for the majority of the customer facing jobs that Letchworth Garden City has to offer.
There are two swimming pools in Letchworth but these rely on residents urine to keep them topped up (Herr Kenny called this 'Going Green'), therefore Lambrini is literally on tap and much cheaper than Highland Spring.
The annual 'shag my best mates wife' competition takes place every December 24th, usually in the car park near the broadway cinema. The prizes are varied, you could end up with either a pearl necklace or a punch in the face.
Another popular pastime in Letchworth is Mugging, this is performed on people you don't know and generally at night or at dusk. It's great fun and sometimes you can get quite a bit of money.
If anyone has any ideas on how to modernise Letchworth without the use of the H-Bomb or a bulldozer please contact The Facist Heritage Foundation, but remember, use a false name. They can, and do, get uppity at times.
Twin Towns[edit | edit source]
Currently it holds one 'twin town' which is Tiverton but the residents were unimpressed with this and requested that Herr Kenny 'really put this place on the map', therefore negotiations have been made with the Mayor of Guildford to rectify this geographical non-starter.
Wildlife[edit | edit source]
If you are keen on seeing wild creatures enjoy their natural habitat, the National Trust recommend you wrap up warm on a friday night, find a secluded spot and observe all the drunkards fall, roll and wobble out from the various public houses onto the pavements and roads, if you are lucky you may even see a Hoodie get squashed by a passing taxi cab, or have kebab meat shoved down his low slung jeans.
During the summer months you may be fortunate enough to observe the much maligned prostitute. But be rest assured this species is on the increase, particularly around the Grange Estate, and pockets of them are often found feeding burger and fries to their young near the Millenium Gardens.
Recently the town has been in the local news regarding the trees between WHSmith and Esquires Coffee Shop. According to reports the Fascist Heritage Foundation want to chop them all down and build a red light district. "Winter's coming and i've run out of coal" said Herr Kenny to the Local Paper "plus this town needs to be sexed up a bit. Know what I mean?". Fern Britton offered support and asked if she could help in any way, she was told politely by the protesters to 'fuck off' and mind her own business seeing as she 'was the one who got us into this fucking mess in the first place'.
The Infamous Court Case[edit | edit source]
In 1991 The FHF - Facist Heritage Foundation, won a court case to impose the following on all residents:
- The destruction of all flora and fauna at will
- A crack seller on every street
- High levels of taxation on people with lower incomes
- At least 3 kebab shops within 1 square mile of each other
- Contraception will be banned - "let's fill this place up" - became the sordid slogan
The implications of this ruling reverberated around the home counties, although no-one in Letchworth seemed to mind as the impositions had relatively been in place for around 20 years, this was just 'setting it in stone' - Herr Kenny, July 7th 1991