Bloxwich

“We need more houses for illegal immigrants. Fortunately, the people of Bloxwich WILL leave their homes lest I disable each and every cess-pit within the local area”

~ Tony Blair on Bloxwich before being eaten by Gordon Brown

The land of Bloxwich

Bloxwich is a fucked up Hamlet somewhere in a land that cannot be found except for those who are lost. It is also known as "The Shit-hole of the Universe". NO famous people have been born there and the population remains stable for reasons even Chuck Norris can’t explain.

Location

Bloxwich can be found using Cpt. Jack Sparrow’s compass should you wish to find the largest number of chip shops in the West midlands. The town of Bloxwich is said to be within a few miles of Walsall however the only bus service running between both localities is only available to young mothers. When the Magna Carta was written, a special map was created for the King to illustrate the path his tax collectors must travel to receive his share of oven fries as Bloxwich is cut off from the rest of the world and sadly, self-dependant on its own shit.

Tourism

Please note: a 'visitor' is the term given to someone invited into Bloxwich by someone already living there. You can't find Bloxwich by any conventional means, end of.

Despite the transparency of any information on Bloxwich, it is believed to have a wide variety of attractions the once-a-year visitor can visit. Possibly the most notable is the Pat Collins fun fair which is still running after his death many years ago. During his life Pat Collins was the hero of Bloxwich where many would gather at his annual rituals to spend their money on fair ground sweets, gifts, rides and chips. Sadly, an ASDA was built on his sacred fair ground and as a result he sacrificed himself so he may steal and dump countless trolleys. He later found that he had failed because he didn’t have any £1 coins. Despite this many still attend the attraction (now on the local park) that he passed on to the local Chav population but only locals can survive the dangerous rides that come round every so often, the reason being that fresh spleens are always needed for the local population who are still dying from the Bubonic plague.

The earliest known photo of the Bloxwich Bonfire. There be chav's a burnin'!

During late Fall the local council takes apart a random house and uses the materials and occupants on the famous Bloxwich Bonfire. On the night the whole population of Bloxwich will attend the ancient ritual and chant sacred Enochian keys in hope of blessing them with a cure to the plague. Many claim this is not necessary as the plague can be cured but the people of Bloxwich do not agree with any kind of medicine, except chip fat applied to the tongue. A visitor can pay a small fee of £5 to witness this spectacle, however it is advised that you stand atop a large building as the smoke is often the cause for NASA space shuttle delays.

Bloxwich shares a strong trade link with Walsall and during Autumn many travel to witness the world renowned Walsall Illuminati barn dance. During this period, many people from Bloxwich become so confused with their surroundings that they take to the streets of Walsall and are never seen again. Except in the Manor Hospital which is owned by Sweeny Todd.

On the outskirts of the town one can find the local leisure facilities which include outdoor mud baths, annual showers, a chip shop and activities such as Keg throwing and swimming lessons. Swimming is practised heavily in Bloxwich because when Noah built his ark, it was Bloxwich that was in fact flooded, but by piss instead.

Regions of Bloxwich

The town of Bloxwich is divided up into many distinguishable 'sectors' within it's borders. This was established not long after Bloxwich had been scarred onto Earth by the residents who were sick to death of not being able to classify to different variations of the Human gene. Hence forth, a Pagan tribunal finalised plans to group people based on their cleanliness, overall wealth and how ugly they were.

The Mossley

The Mossley is a very old part of Bloxwich and can be recognised due to massive organisation of drug trader. THIS is in fact all the stolen items over the years by the ‘house-holders’, however if u mess with THE MOSO CREW YORE DONE FOR. It is also believed THE MOSSO CREW STOLE FROM YOUR homes. The Mossley provides access to many main places that run through Bloxwich and thus is a hot spot for the death BY DIRTY DRUGGIES of general traders.

The Mossley is home to the DOPE HEAD SLOTHS of Bloxwich who have resorted to ‘ILLEGAL acts’ as a form of money. What this actually is, is nothing of the sort, and is nothing but animal cruelty as the participants are all SMACK HEADS from within the Mossley area. Of course, no one cares.

The Turnberry

Anybody not from here will tell you that the Turnberry is the ‘Mosley extension’ but that is impossible due to the unique air that the inhabitants breathe. Only those born in the Turnberry can breathe the air which is due to the mixing of the noxious chemicals used in the local Chinese and Chip shop. Should an outsider enter the Turnberry their lungs will convert to butter.

People living here are amongst the richest and best looking in the whole of Bloxwich but are so imbued with their own wealth they almost always shoot anyone to enter the area. The source of their wealth is unknown but it is believed the Canal that runs through the back of the Turnberry carries a high quantity of gold dust. The source of this however is unknown as land surrounding the canal is nothing but marsh and fields used for the local sport; ‘posh dogging’. Oddly enough The Turnberry was once known as ‘The Shire’ however no evidence supports that Hobbits ever inhabited the area.

Blakenall

Blakenall (pronounced Bl-Ak-Null) is the main area of Bloxwich which houses the most lowly and most mutated 'people' in the town. To the locals, the place is know to be infested to such a degree with Chavs that even the fleas carrying the Plague cannot be found there, although this this hasn't yet established any kind of cure. Blakenall is accesbile via a deep-space rift contained within the very tomb of Pat Collins as he gave all he had to it's inhabitants, however entering the rift will often cause women to suddenly and violently give birth to offspring that can't look upon water for it will burn out their eyes. As for men, their minds may become twisted and causing them to fall in love with any female that hasn't already been claimed by another Chav by spraying her with urine.

Despite there being a close bond shared between many of the people in Bloxwich, Blakenhall is generally despised by all and considered a waste of land which could be developed for chip shops. There is nothing of interest in Blakenall but visitors should be aware that even being near the space-rift could cause permanent loss in the ability to distinguish if someone is good looking or not. (Which would probably not matter anyway, due to the lack of good looking people in that area)

The Staffordshire Border

The border surrounds The Turnberry on one side from the only warp gate capable of shifting the dimensions around Bloxwich, therefore the being the only way in and out. It is in fact the worlds largest known minefield which cannot be traversed by anything on land. Any Aircraft trying to enter instantly loose cabin pressure (this actually became the inspiration for the TV show ‘Lost’ and is believed that many of the fictional events in the programme are actual happenings within Bloxwich), and those attempting to dig into the area will find nothing but granite.

Language

Many people are unaware of the unique talent that the people of Bloxwich posses. Often referred to as the ‘Bloxwich grunt’, locals are able to communicate whole sentences by simply grunting. To the untrained ear all grunts sound the same yet it is believed that anyone born in Bloxwich can detect inaudible sonar in a similar fashion to bats. This may be why so much of the population are active at night. Some key words are:

Bloxwichian	English
URNGHH	Yes double chips please
URNGHHHRA	No I want a large curry sauce
MMMMMMMER	I’m taking a piss

The Bloxwich Legend

Because Bloxwich is cut off from any form of modern society, the local gene pool has become dangerously small. For many years now the local males have spoke of the legend of ‘The only good looking girl in the whole fucking area’. This has escalated into a full blown search for the unique creature whose whereabouts are still unknown however, clues started appearing when an empty can of body spray was found in the only bin in the area. The local Newspaper did nothing to help this by bumping up claims that a girl under ten stone with clean hair and sweet smelling arm pits was on the loose. Some suspect that she is a daughter of Chuck Norris who was banished to the land when she fell in love with an ogre, but this has yet to be proven. If it is true then the population of Bloxwich may be rendered down to their DNA proteins to make way for a new and superior race of people.

Recent sightings

Believe it or not there have been claims from villagers that they have seen this illusive maiden, wandering the streets of Bloxwich on sunny days. Although many were too dumbstuck by such beauty it is believed that she resides in a hair salon on the high street but this cannot be confirmed because many have posters depciting beautiful women inside and therefore, may have been the illusion. Despite this and claims from local women trying to convince their part time husbands that she does not exist, most who have seen her have described her the same. Notable features;

• Being thin
• Having no acne
• Short hair

This is basically the opposite of all the other women in Bloxwich who are fat, hairy and plastered in puss filled sores. Sadly though, no one has seen her recently and has made the situation worse. Men all over Bloxwich have been starting plastic surgery businesses in hope of making their current wife 'pretty' and some have even started their own "Get good looking soon" cards for those special occasions. Namely weddings. A proposal to summon Cthulhu has been passed and the ritual will most likely take place on Halloween, when the people of Bloxwich feel more at one with themselves.

Trivia

• The 'Fat pie lady' is nothing but a myth
• Bloxwich once had a cinema, however it was converted to a carpet shop for body removal
• The local cemetary is actually robbed for sport
• Clearasil was invented in Bloxwich