Dorridge
“In Dorridge, train catches YOU!!.”
“I went to Dorridge once, alas! I asked if they had any Porridge, but they told me to shut up and leave, however, I couldn't find a way out of the place...”
“THIS IS DORRIDGE!”
“Dorridge is just like Porridge but with better access from the M42.”
Dorridge is a large city within the town of Solihull and is the homophobic capital of the world. It is in the West Midlands area of England, it was badly hit by the Tsunami and has a large badger population.
Dorridge's motto is Wastus Spacus (Latin), most likely because Dorridge features some of the biggest wastes of space in Britain. These include St. Phillips' church, Footware (a shoeshop which closes at 3pm to re-open as a drug dealing store at around 11.18pm), Elegance nail salon and chavs.
During the great depression in the 1930s, badgers found living off the land to be increasingly difficult and began to move to more developed areas. Dorridge was a natural choice for many Warwickshire badgers. Most urban areas experiencing massive badger influx immediately set up shaving brush factories. However, Dorridge was slow to respond - in part because of superior brushes already being manufactured in nearby Solihull - and so the population went unchecked. Despite by-laws banning beards (in particular for women), the denizens of Dorridge have been unable to reach the critical mass of shaving brush consumption required to control their badger population which thus remains a problem to this day.
Many people claim to have entered Dorridge by car, or even by foot. However, cartographers now generally recognise that the only way to enter or leave Dorridge is by death.
An Introduction to Dorridge[edit | edit source]
Common introductions to Dorridge include:
- This is Dorridge.
- Please meet Dorridge.
- I am ashamed to introduce you to Dorridge.
- Welcome to Dorridge. Emergency exits can be found at the railway station and the motorway.
Dorridge at the present time[edit | edit source]
Dorridge is full of ancient people. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the oldest living man is in China. This is understandable, as the oldest resident of Dorridge has recently moved to China.
“The babes were shit, so I moved to China.”
The mayor of Dorridge is Neil Burgess, also known as 'Barry Scott' from the Cilit Bang adverts on TV. Burgess' first words as mayor were 'Bang and the Chavs are gone'. This was directed towards the Ancient people of Dorridge as Neil wanted to convert them to Emos to scare away the Chavs. It turned out that Emos were exceedingly weak, thus the population of Chavs increased.
Recently Dorridge has fallen into a state of disrepair. This is due to handy men from a near by Wild West Township, Hall Green, failing to complete their work.
Ancient dwelling habits[edit | edit source]
Sexuality in Dorridge is rampant. Between 9:00AM and 3:30PM the ancient people of Dorridge roam the streets in search of a mate.
Dorridge is shaped like a giant clitoris. It has an extensive Penny Farthing transport network.
Committing suicide in Dorridge is a popular local past time. As such, this is easily facilitated by its fast-moving transport, coupled with extreme notions of boredom and apathy. As Virgin trains go straight past Dorridge station, this has become known as the Dorridge train pass. It is customary for local youths to push old people infront of these passing trains, providing old people with free rides to London. 'Ancient Bowling' also helps control the population of Dorridge, which currently stands at an all-time height of 22.
Nightlife in Dorridge is vibrant, particularly among the elderly population, who regularly sleep until 11:30 in the morning. Chavs, who are too thick to go to College, embark upon homosexual bonding using sharp implements. See One Man One Jar
The Forest Hotel[edit | edit source]
The Forest Hotel is the local nightclub where most of the unusual action happens amongst the civilians of Dorridge. Facts showed that the Forest Hotel's nightlife is more atmospheric than the nightlife of every club in Broad Street put together.
Shops[edit | edit source]
The Milan of the Midlands is served by two high fashion boutiques: Oxfam and Acorns. The residents of Dorridge are often very charitable as they are all very old. Unfortunately, the people that live in the Third World are sick of tea and biscuits. A UN referendum has concluded that Dorridge must requisition its charitable offerings. It was also suggested that Dorridge is shit and should be humanely destroyed.
History of Dorridge[edit | edit source]
When Dorridge was born its first word was "shit". This explains why there are so many 'shit' shops and restaurants in Dorridge. Dorridge was born in 1960 which explains why all the buildings in Dorridge are so rubbish- they were designed by hippies for old people. Dorridge was made when the evil genius The Wicked Bitch of the Nest mixed potassium and oxygen, leading to a huge explosion. The resulting pile of rubble is what we now know as Dorridge. Happy Days!
In Game of Thrones times, Dorridge was the regional focus for oat processing and particularly oat-rolling, used in the preparation of an oat-based gruel known as Dorridge Slop, or just Dorridge. Dorridge was inexpensive to produce, so became a staple food for the paupers and wards of the parish; prisoners, imbeciles, orphans, zero-hours contract warehouse staff, and fully trained experienced nurses.
As the town became more prosperous off the back of the oat-processing trade, the townspeople came to believe that the name Dorridge had become synonymous with the lumpy foul-tasting claggy mush, and this was detracting from the resale value of their unremarkable, plain, over-priced houses. They petitioned the king, and in 1066 King Charles the Spaniel issued a proclamation that "Henceforthe ye stickie and blande break-faste made from a soup of oats shall-eth henceforth be known as-eth; Porridge".
Innovation[edit | edit source]
Dorridge is the birthplace of many influential inventions;
- Lottery scratch-cards
- Ridiculously fat bingo pens
- Own-brand supermarket biscuits
- 9% ABV cider
- Rap music
- Superkings cigarettes
- Anchor tattoos
- Iceland 20 for-a-pound 'Beefy Patties'
- Whippet racing
- Fixed-Odds Betting Terminals
- Pickled-onion Monster Munch
- Izal toilet paper
The Future[edit | edit source]
Dorridge plans on opening the UK's first 'Red-light Tolerance Zone' on the site of the Cricket Club, where sex-workers can ply their trade with impunity.
Dorridge Bridge Club has been acquired by a consortium comprising Federated Breweries and Euro-Scaffold and after refurbishment, will reopen as a 24-hour Drum and Bass Nightclub, and Round-the-clock scaffolding-pole drop-test centre.
The Parks[edit | edit source]
There are two parks in Dorridge: Dorridge Park; and Dorridge Park for the Elderly. The latter is the most popular, however it is not the biggest. The park features a duck pond, some grass and a bin over looked by lord of the park and chief dog fucker Anthony Wilkes. The residents of Dorridge have recently complained that there is no bench for them to sit on in this park. The council replied,
“The people of Dorridge do not need a bench at the current time, they are so old that by the time we had fitted the bench, they would all be dead - this would be a waste of money.”
Facts & Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Dorridge is infamous for the unreliability of its drug dealers. One resident complained it took him 4 weeks and 56 phone calls to arrange for the simple pickup of an underweighed £20 bag of cannabis, spiked with dog shit.
- Dorridge is the only place in Britain where over 90% of the population are Aston Villa players.
- According to the 1997 census, the average age of a Dorridgian is 128.
- Statistics prove that 80% of people who enter Dorridge only do so because they were trying to find the Birmingham NEC.
- Further to this, half of all the people who enter Dorridge never leave. Although some Dorridgians veherently maintain that these people stay because they enjoy the picturesque scenery and quiet surroundings, most people know that they just can't find a way out of the place.
- Dorridge was the site of the historic Battle for Middle-Solihull in 1412, some 15,000 Dorridgians died defending the village from an invading force of half a million Chavs invading from nearby Chelmsley Wood. Even today, the village is a popular site for archeologists who vistit the local station in the hope of unearthing an ancient Nike hoodie, a fake Rolex or if they are lucky, a Burberry cap.
