Loughborough
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Loughborough is a small town in central England. Surrounded by a river, which floods every other week, the town is the second largest town in Leicestershite, after the principle city of Leicester. However, Loughborough has a lot to offer, with its world renowned University and large scale events happening within the last few years and within years to come. With so much going on in Loughborough, it really is the place to be.
History[edit | edit source]
In 1920, Loughborough was born. Of course, it was around before, but it was such an insignificant speck upon the world's surface that no one knew of its existence. Home of the world famous Bell Foundry company, Loughborough is a top place for tourists. Not only are there 6 and a half different bells to be seen around the town, there is also the Carillon Tower. The Carillon Tower is thought to be the 9th wonder of the world. Reports going back to 1922 show that the top on the now, blatantly green tower was once golden. This golden colour disappeared because they were sold off to the Americans during the gold rush.
In 1992, Loughborough was given the title "The Better London". However, so few people cared that the title was dropped 2 days later.
In 2002, The Rushes was built. This is a large pond full of rushes where locals can snooze, bathe and have an afternoon swim. The Rushes was meant to be called 'The Reeds' after the local MP Andy Reed; however, a breakdown in communication saw that the Reeds got its alternative, glorious name which still exists today.
In 2004, Loughborough is currently planning a top secret invasion of neighboring Quorn, code named 'operation fox hunter' where they plan to build a new shopping centre to replace the retirement homes that line the streets.
Inhabitants[edit | edit source]
Loughborough's inhabitants consist of a two warring tribes. But nobody is that bothered about any of that.
Beware of the shanty town of Shelthorpe, where it's inhabitants consist of a bunch of fools, constantly getting pregnant, or deafening the "hood" with their "Tunes".
Places of No Interest[edit | edit source]
The Great Central Railway, can be found east of south of Loughborough. Normally confused by Chinese tourists wanting to get to London but can't read signs pointing in the right direction, GCR is a railway much loved by the Cuban army.
At Loughborough Central (aka as Lugaburuga), Nothing much happens, other than a couple of staff doing jack shit and having fierce discussions about tea and teapots. Notable residents include Fat Tony, who constantly starts converstaions with "When I was in the war..." or "When I was a kid...", and the man who has his head out of the back coach window on the 1:15 Diner, waving his arms, repeating words said and acting like a Steam Locomotive.
At Quorn & Woodhouse (Also known as Quran and Woodlice), a cunt is normally found. Qualified so much everyone has to lick his arse, he is generally avoided to avoid anyone accidentally pushing him under a train. He will also complain on how you look, and if you are out of period, but it is very hypocritical of him because he wears out of period ties all the time.
At Rothley (Famous for the McCann family, who we seem to have a lot of their children in lost property), lots of staff are found drinking tea and having mini raves in the Booking Office. Due to a nearby care home, screw-loose patients normally find themself here. Notable patients include the wandering lady with a teddy bear, and the man who heads straight to the toilets and fills them with paper.
At Leicester North, most of the unwanted morons are reallocated there to save the rest of the railway from extinction. There is no actual use of this station, and many people avoid it and get off at Rothley. Notable residents here are The Wellyman, who wears wellies in the most extremes of weather, and at Haloween, scares the day lights out of kids by dressing up as a Dead Nazi and asking for blood, and the Baron, boring you to death with useless train knowledge, and not stopping for air. Chavs attack at night here, but becuase of close proximity to Belgrave and Birstall, they aren't very good. recent attacks include trying to access the kitchens from the roof, but finding the toilets instead. This however, keeps the retards happy as it gives them something to do other than face the public.
Loughborough in the now[edit | edit source]
Another fabulous sight right in the center of the town is the Sockman. This is a statue of a transvestite Down's Syndrome sufferer looking at his broken ankle, which, at the time, had been bandaged with a excuistely patterned sock/stocking. It is thought that the man had to sit in the same position for so long that his atomis structure changed into gold. It too was a victim of Michael Jackson's selfish face act and can now been seen today with a bluish-green tinge. A local resident had this to say on the issue:
'I think that what Jackson did was terrible, not only did he turn Sockman green, but didn't he have something to do with molestering a kid as well?'
The Sockman is also thought to be a holy symbol. In 2007, hundreds of pilgrims who had embarked on an epic journey turned up in Loughborough to worship the monument. At exactly 12 noon, the Sockman was surrounded by a frenzy of frantic worship, celerbrating his life. A local resident managed to capture this religious act on camera:
Loughborough also has many other distractions for the would-be backpacker. These will enable Loughborough's many pickpockets to take your wallet, your mobile phone, and the shirt off your back. In the town's most famous pickpocketing incident, "The Great Pickpocketing" of 1346, a French gypsy was so entranced by a naked dancing 9 year old girl, that an expert local pickpocket by the name of Duncan was able to steal all his possessions and clothing without attracting the attention of the gypsy, who didn't realise they were gone until the 9 year old girl laughed at the size of his penis.
To mark this occasion, Loughborough holds an annual "fun" fair where pickpockets, gypsies and pikies from the UK converge in the centre of Loughborough and demonstrate their art. The event dates back to the Beige ages and it is avoided by most town-folk and populated by grinning foreign students too busy taking "artistic" photos to go on the rides. The fair is paid for by the illegal sales of stolen cameras.
Loughborough is home to 100's of what is known as sausage munchers!
Loughborough in the future[edit | edit source]
In 2012, Loughborough will be used to house thousands of immigrants, here to watch the Olympic Games, planned to be held at Loughborough Leisure Center. The head of Loughborough sport relations, Mr. Flan Danders said the following:
| “ | I think having the Olympic Games here will be a bloody nuisance. It's gonna use all the parking spaces in the center and leave no where for anyone else to park. Not to mention the fact that there will never be any sausage rolls left at Greggs! | ” |
For now, at least, Loughborough stays calm, peaceful and serene. Plans to convert neighboring village Quorn into a new shopping center will go ahead in the next year. That will be when blood is shed. Again.