~ Boris Johnson on Warrington“I love all my Subjects and value them all. Now! Bring me lard! Lot's and lot's of lard! ”
~ Her ladyship Kerry Katona on Warrington“What a fine day, wouldn't you say, my good sir?”
~ all outsiders on Warringtonians“Fuck off ya cunt!”
~ Warringtonians on all outsiders“In soviet warrington, it rapes YOU!”
~ Soviet Warringtonians
Warrington, twinned with Minas Morgul, is a small independent principality, inhabited by "Wanna be Scousers" and is located between the surpeme republic of Scouseland and the home of the STD, Madchester. The country has been a dictatorship ever since Kerry Katona passed the "Enabling act" after the "
Reichstag Hally well jones stadium fire" and when she stupidly wisely introduced the Donut as common currency.
Currently a province within the Evil omnipresent Empire of IKEA, it has won "Cesspit of the year" four years running and has predicted to remain so until the apocalypse-which apparently happened last week, last year, yesterday, the 21st of December 2012 and the 25th of June 2021.
To the rest of the towns in Cheshire, Warrington is that cousin who you don’t particularly like and never visit because they live in an awful area and their house smells a bit but you have to invite to family gatherings because their mother, your Auntie Gertrude, died when they were 17 and they’ve been weird since so you feel a bit sorry for them and try to be polite. Neighboring village Runcorn is the love-child of Warrington and Widnes. Notable people from Warrington are Kerry Katona and, well there was C.S Lewis but nobody gives a shit about him. There was that Rick fella, but he was from Newton le Willows, I think.
Cheshire attempted to get shut of Warrington, along with Widnes, Runcorn and Wigan during the great cull of towns that occurred in Lancashire and Cheshire during the Potato famine of 2009. While they were successful in palming off undesirable areas to the newly created Merseyside and Greater Manchester, Warrington proved to be an inoperable cancer that Cheshire to learn to live with. Poor Cheshire.
The first accounts of Warrington are made by Sir Ike Analbottom- then the Lord of the Swedish meatball empire. He stated that among his travels he had found a suitable place for the nob-cheese produced by the Swedish and that "it is here where we will build our grand dumping ground! -now shush, I wish to make a shit by that rock" It was then that Ike.A founded the first Swedish outpost. It wasn't long before Ike.A realized that the surrounding Ape-people and chavs were foolish enough to buy Swedish crap and faeces- thus the IKE.A -later IKEA, company was founded.
-The Great Meatball Revolt-
During the 20th Century, drastically low stocks of pickles and meatballs forced the town that had grown up around the IKEA company to revolt. Since Sweden had gone all soft and had reverted to her pre-eminent fase of bum-rape living, she had no way of stopping Ike.A XII from taking over as monarch and establishing the Evil omnipresent Empire of IKEA-with her Capital situated at Warrington. After this takeover, Warrington enjoyed many decades of peace, stability and growth- becoming a major world player on the Viagra market.
-"The Glorious Empire years"-
Much was achieved in the world during this time period- unfortunately none of it happened in this shit hole- though some horny teenager did give birth to Kerry Katona...whoop whoop? During this period the humble toothbrush was introduced to Warrington. Though clearly it was rejected if you look at the people today. The only vaguely interesting thing that happened was that someone broke the Guinness world record for possessing the worlds largest child-pornography collection. Nice one, Warrington.
-End of Early Warrington-
In 1923, the local Zoo exploded for unknown reasons- though sexual intercourse between humans and animals has been linked. The subsequent explosion allowed a "The Warrington T-Rex" or common "Poodle" to the rest of the world, to kill most of the population and destroy their mud-hut housing. What was left of the town fell into dis-repair and the Evil omnipresent Empire of IKEA almost fell entirely. Warrington would never again regain her prominent status again until after WW2. -Though this did not stop the population from maintaining it's continued production of Viagra.
-Rebirth/Makings of Modern Warrington-
Modern Warrington didn’t exist prior to 1940, when the Royal Air Force got the WKD's in, cranked up the "bangin choons" and opened its base at RAF Burtonwood. In in June 1942, it became an American Air Force Base. By the end of the war 18,000 servicemen were stationed at Burtonwood. That included a lot of Hill-Billies and Rednecks from the 'Deep South'. Most of these here folk spent most of their time at R.A.F Butronwood getting drunk on Moon-Shine, Chewing Tobacco, Pig-Racing, Beating Down Faggots,Wrestling Aligators, Playin' Banjo.
Since there was no 'gators in the UK, there was nothing much to do in the town. But the Rednecks looked on the bright side of things as Warrington did allow them to do one of their many favorite pass times; Their fondness of having sex with Farm Yard animals. It turns out some Warringtonian women back in t'day showed similar characteristics to Cattle and Pigs. The Rednecks liked this very much!
Although the Rednecks left many years ago, 97% of modern Warringtonians are descended from the bastard offspring of the Redneck inbreeds and the whores they bought off with chocolate bars and silk stockings.
After the war, was to be followed by a sudden growth of population What else to do than solve this problem by building up new council estates; Longford, Latchford, Bewsey and Dallam. These estates are shit holes still to this very day, and in DIRE NEED of an Air-strike, to cull the vermin known as the CHAV!
Warrington fell into disrepair until one fateful day in 1987, thanks to the opening of Mr. Smiths Nightclub (now known as the Halo nightclub, Then Mr.Smiths again!), the famous name, known to millions from the TV programme Hitman and Her. Yep, that place where that ginger twat Rick Astley sung THAT annoying fucking song! It was here that where most of the townsfolk was conceived. And soon taken over by Dole Scroungers LTM
RAF Burtonwood had refurbished their old Place into a Swedish mega store, IKEA. The strange Swedish frustration factory breathed new life into Warrington. Although the concept of flat pack furniture is beyond the mental capacity of most Warringtonians, IKEA’s location off of the M62 meant that for the first time since the Rednecks and Hicks left, outsiders returned to the town.
This was supposedly good for the town after the War, as RAF Burtonwood was no longer needed. The site had been considered for an International Airport. But was laughed at because some thick bastard, thought it was a good idea to build Burtonwood runway on top of a fucking Coal mine Shaft! Manchester got the bid. Part of the runway is now the M62 which links the town to Manc-Land and Scouse-Land. Then soon Warrington was yet again open to cross-breeding, and thus the 'Plastic Scouser' and the 'Wooly Back'was born!
In 1993, the IRA, not content with murdering people in Ireland and fisting innocent dickheads, turned their attention to Warrington, firstly attempting a bombing of the Gas Works in Longford. And then the town centre, the latter attack killing two young boys. The complete and utter fucking cunts that they are have never explained why Warrington, an insignificant town of no importance, strategic or otherwise, to anyone. Rumour has it that the attack was a failed attempt at removing Garry Barlow's genital warts. <Gary refuses to make comment>
People/indiginous sub-humans and Apes
The Warringtonians are recognisable by their semi-evolved appearance. The males are a heavily built rugby player type and often wear bin bag track suit bottoms tucked into their socks also their collars lifted over their ears (see sport). This is largely due to the fact that Rugby is the only way to get out of Warrington, but seen as though there is only 13 players on a team plus subs and reserves, there are not enough jobs to go around. Still, the male Warringtonian can be found in the gym working on his “guns”, then heading off into town to the various pubs and clubs to show off the aforementioned guns in tight fitting tops. The combination of this peacocking behaviour and the associated alcohol means there are approximately 1.7 fights per person per night on any given evening in Warrington town centre.
The females are generally orange in appearance, as if they have rubbed spit in their own faces and then rolled around in mud, in a homage to their Saint Helens cousins. The first known case of Chlamydia is believed to have evolved in the rotten snatch of a Warrington “lady”, possibly from the Latchford or Longford areas. Warrington females are mostly pregnant or attempting to achieve that state. They can often be found watching their boyfriend beat seven kinds of shit out of someone on a night out, screaming “kill him”. They are no strangers to fighting themselves and are capable of extreme acts of brutality. The British military is currently considering Warrington lasses as a last ditch attempt to kill the taliban before the deployment of nuclear weapons.
International Awards and Prestige
...Well, this is awkward.
There are many dangers involved when entering Warrington for example you may be walking down a street, watching the floor to make sure you don't tread on brown sausages that a dog may have left, when a caveman-like figure (also known as a "tramp", "bag head" or "local") will appear in front of you and will most likely ask you for a cigarette (or a sig-eh), when confronted in a situation like this the best option is to hand him a cigarette as he may have a sharpened toothbrush or coat-hanger on him, if you don't he might drone on about how he hasn't received his dole money and desperately needs a (sig-eh) as it counts as his breakfast and one of his five a day.
Warrington has it's own Boogeyman in the form of a fucking HUGE scary Black Dude, named Purple Aki. He is a legend and many sightings in Cheshire, Merseyside, Yorkshire and even as far as Wales. People have even compared him to Freddy Kruger and of course; BIGFOOT, as he is around 6ft7" tall. Maybe taller than that Tall Black Guy in the Bruce Lee movie; Game Of Death! He is a sexual Predator, and stalks mostly Chav men and Boys only. He tends to hunt his prey while walking past a Gym, School, Park or where muscles are on show. Aki becames sexually aroused while forcing terrified young men to perform "inverted piggybacks" while dressed in a Man-kini, he then orders them to squat so he could 'Gay them Up', while squeezing their quad muscles...The dirty BASTARD!
Some folklore mention if you say his name 3 times in the mirror, he will come for you! Parents of local kids have known to tell the tale of "Old' Purps" in order to put the fear into their kids; Telling them that he will come and get them if they're 'Dead Dead Naughty'.
Culture (In the widest sense of the word)
One of the most ancient and well respected Warringtonian rituals is that upon a child's 11th birthday, the said child is taken to the local corner shop at 11:30pm (local time), and is forced to drink several cans of cider- signaling the end of their childhood and the glorious beginnings of a drunken, stoned teenager years to come. The said ritual is repeated for many days until the child has been transformed into "a chav". The process is finally completed when the symbolic Lacoste track suit and accompanying gold chain is given to the wasted chav and all hope for their future is lost, both educationally and as a valuable member of society.
Warrington people have developed a dialect in which only each other seem to understand, and if not spoken as true as a dirty woolyback, you are sent to the electric chair. Let's take some of these classic translations into account:
Hello, how are you? = Ah-Ry-Yeet yoh's, ow's doh?/ Ah-Ry-Yeet, Cock!
Gareth, at what time is our study lesson of Physical Activities? = EY GAZ WEHNS SPOHRT?
Halt young lady! show me your tuppance! = Oi yoh, get yoh fanneh out yoh!
Would you like something from the chip shop for dinner? = want chippeh foh dinnoh?
A bottle of Smirnoff, Please!= Ah-Ry-yeet! a Bokul ov Smurnov, May-yut!
Most common English sentences will work, along with the accompanied Warrington chav voice and random choice of profanities.
When's the next train, you cum juggler ?
How much for a Twix, you fanny sprocket ?
Got any spare change, you dick welder ?
By any chance do you have a bike pump, you raving sandwich pussy?
Mum, where's my lighter, you clit slapper?
The only sport anyone cares about in Warrington is Cockfighting. The main team are the Warrington Warblers who play in the Hollywell-well James Stadium, opposite Tesco. They are a second rate side with an inferiority complex due to the successes of the teams in neighboring towns St Helens and Wigan. The Warrington fans are the sole remaining practitioners of cockfighting hooliganism outside of Birmingham.