Greater Manchester is a county in the North West of England, a hellish chimera made up of the worst parts of Lancashire and Cheshire. Coming into existence on 1st April 1974, it was presumed to be an over-elaborate April Fool’s joke but no, Cheshire and Lancashire under the auspices of the 1972 Local Government Act wanted shut of their own hell holes and thus, Greater Manchester was born. Greater Manchester comprises mainly of towns that were once quite prosperous during the Industrial Revolution but have long since decayed, with state benefits being the chosen career path for the majority of its citizens.
Future plans for the county include the erection of a 10m wall around the county boundaries. Heavily fortified, the wall will control entry in and out of the county, essentially for the protection of people living in neighboring counties. Residents will have to apply for permission to enter the rest of the country and normal immigration checks will apply.
When the Area was created such Lancashire towns such as Bolton,Bury,Wigan,Rochdale and Oldham refused to have anything to do with Manchester. As a result those 5 towns remained part of the county of Lancashire and still have strong culteral links with Lancashire. Salford,Mancheser,Trafford,Tameside and Stockport went off to be fully Greater Manchester.
See main article on Manchester
The City of Manchester (or Madchester as it is sometimes referred to) is the most densely populated borough of Greater Manchester. Once an economic powerhouse of Victorian Britain, Manchester’s profile waned and eventually, the city became derelict. In the mid- 1990s, Manchester City Council hired urban regeneration specialists, the IRA, to demolish large swathes of the city. This kick started a period of regeneration which carries on today. Following on from this success, council officials are considering hiring Al Qaeda for the next round of regeneration in the South of the City.
See main article on Stockport
Stockport is a town and metropolitan borough in the south of Greater Manchester. Once famous for making hats, this industry, like pretty much all industry in the area has long since gone. Although the last hat left the production line in 1997, the legacy is still to be seen in the high level of mental illness in the town due to the use of mercury in hat production which no one ever bothered to clean up. Most Stockport residents are completely mental due to the prolonged mercury exposure.
See main article on Oldham
Oldham is an odd place populated with odd people. Like the rest of the county, it is still struggling to come to terms with the demise of the cotton industry and hasn’t quite come up with a plan over what to do next apart from to sit around getting whacked off of skag all day every day.
See main article on Tameside
No one is quite sure about the point of Tameside. There has been much discussion by politicians and academics as to why Tameside exists and as yet an answer has yet to be found. Tameside is famous in one respect as a hotbed for innovations in population control. Dr Harold Shipman was based in the borough and he managed to off lots of old people. This trend was followed until recently with Tameside Hospital where standards were so bad it was common to die following an outpatient physiotherapy appointment.
See main article on Rochdale
Rochdale is a bleak old place. The people are some of the most hostile in the country with the prevailing atmosphere being akin to that pub in “An American Werewolf in London” movie. There is a real danger that a Rochdale resident will stab you. The population is perpetually angry although none of them can explain why. 82% of Residents will never set foot beyond the limits of Rochdale town for fear of outsiders.
See main article on Bury
Bury is a town near the hills in Lancashire. Bury is the hometown of Sir Robert Peel, former Prime Minister and father of modern policing. Ironic it is then that Bury has some of the highest crime rates in the region. Bury is also acknowledged as the home of Black Pudding. An interesting dish, essentially a sausage made of congealed blood. It tastes better than it sounds.
See main article on Wigan
Wigan is a Town in Lancashire. it is famous for Wigan Pier and its Pooles Pies or as Wiganers call them parrs. Wigan is known for its love of pies and Eastern European prostitutes.
See main article on Bolton
Located “oop inth’ills” in Lancashire, Bolton is one of the more isolated places in Lancashire. The population are a happy enough lot but always seem to look confused about something or other and do not really get concepts such as irony. It is one of the few places where the average Wigan resident can go to feel intellectually superior. Famous residents include comedian Peter Kay who used to be funny but now, well, garlic bread, we get it Peter nowshush.
See main article on Salford
Salford, believe it or not is a city although a city centre is conspicuous in its absence. The people of Salford do not like to be called Mancunians, a faux pas punishable by stabbing. Anthropologists will find some of the best examples of “The Scally” in Salford. Salford has its own prison, HMP Forrest Bank, in which many Salford residents have been successful in securing places.
See main article on Trafford
Trafford is a borough of contrast, with urban slums in the north of the borough and inbred semi rural areas in the south. In the centre, there is an interesting area of settlements with delusions of grandeur that try and pitch themselves as an image of middle England portrayed in a Richard Curtis movie. The copious amounts of fake Burberry put pay to this illusion however.
Trafford is home to the Trafford Centre, a vast complex of shops where the young residents of Greater Manchester go to hone their shoplifting skills. Architecturally, it appears to have been designed by a group of footballer’s wives.
Greater Manchester has 27 different types of rain. It is rarely sunny contributing to the general misery of the place and its inhabitants. Due to the lack of sunlight and compounded by poor diet, the people of Greater Manchester have the highest incidence of rickets in the developed world. Even the Scottish laugh at Greater Manchester because of how shit the weather is.
76% of Greater Manchester children can expect to leave school able to write their own name, or at least make an “X”. Of those 12% will gain at least one GCSE and 4% going on to gain an A Level. 1.3% will go on to Higher Education.
Greater Manchester boasts a number of universities:
- University of Salford
- University of Manchester
- Manchester Metropolitan University
- Royal Northern College of Music
- Bolton University (its really a college but they called it a university and no one has noticed yet.
Thousands of students descend en masse every September and often come into conflict with locals who resent the fact that their taxes pay for the students, failing to realise that they and no one in their family for 4 generations has ever worked and thus never paid any tax to fund the said students.
Greater Manchester has 4 Premier League football teams
- Bolton Wanderers (Play is a stadium resembling a giant collapsing marquee)
- Manchester United (Actually play in Trafford and not Manchester)
- Manchester City (Increasingly unpopular since taken over by Arabs)
- Wigan Athletic (Quite possibly the worst team ever to play football)
There are some lower league teams but no one really cares about them.
If you have a thing for odd shaped balls, there are also 2 Top flight Rugby League teams if you like that sort of thing
- Salford City Reds
- Wigan Warriors