Bridgwater, England
Not to be confused with "Bridgewater"
| Location within Somerset | |
| Population | 41,276 |
|---|---|
| OS grid reference | ST305370 |
| Ceremonial County | * Somerset |
| Government Authority | * Wetherspoons |
| Police | * Redirecting calls to Fire Department |
| Fire | * Redirecting calls to Ambulance Department |
| Ambulance | * Redirecting calls to Police Department |
Bridgwater is a historic market town and depression enclave in the county of Somerset. Etymology wise, "Bridg" was likely derived from a direct reference to the then residents' inability to spell "Bridge". Absence of the letter E could also explain absences of words such as "love" or "hope", but it does not explain the presence of "incest". As mentioned in the Somerset article, Bridgwater did not always have a bridg. It was constructed to enhance trade in the town. Passing boats would originally opt to sail past the town of Water, the town forced them to stay by installing a fixed bridge which could not be lifted for passing ships, and made a bustling trade capital in the process. This business tactic is known as "creating a need, and then not delivering a solution". An alternative account of the etymology argues that the town's name in fact derives from "Bridge of Walter" (i.e. Walter's Bridge). Walter is further discussed in "notable residents" . Its major neighbour Taunton, is linked via a canal, the M5 motorway and a GWR line. Taunton actually provided false intel in WW2 to Nazi Germany in which they pretended to be Bridgwater in a hopes to be deemed too irrelevant a target in a mass bombing campaign. Consequences ensued as Bridgwater was bombed when the Nazis mistook them for Taunton, leaving Bridgwater castle much sized down in the aftermath of damage.
Bridgwater Castle was a major military fortress for The British Army. It spans over two metal barriers in length as pictured in the photograph. It is probable that it is slightly less than one metal barrier in width, but in height, three metal barriers, which is to its credit. It is unable to be sieged, as a siege can only occur when an attacker encounters an army's city or fortress that cannot be easily taken by a quick assault, and whom refuses to surrender. The Bridgwater castle guard were known as "Sausage Eaters" as the English King of the time refused to deliver or have anyone of his Kingdom deliver wages to Bridgwater, and instead paid them in "very reasonable prices for very reasonable food" in the form of having an internal Bridgwater politician found a Wetherspoons chain in the centre of the town. Wetherspoons later became the government authority in Bridgwater after plans to "accidently" set up a nuclear powerplant called Hinkley point outside of Bridgwater for no particular reason one day, and "accidently" set it off to meltdown. The English Government permanently bordered the town from the rest of England and cut ties soon after, leaving it to the Wetherspoons clan to run the town. To ensure Bridgwater born residents also died there, a government policy of "being just depressing enough to make you want to kill yourself, but just bearable enough not to give you the fight or flight reaction as an incentive to save yourself" was enacted. Bridgwater's major business was once a cellophane factory, which was shutdown due to the fear that it was the cause of a putrid smell in the town. It was soon discovered that the smell was lingering several years after the factory's closure. (pictured far right) The town centre hosts a monument to Walter Bridg, it was not taken down in the Black Lives Matter protests which is of note because Walter was found out to have enslaved the whites, and they were quite pleased by this.
The Bridgwater fair and carnival are two prized events of this historic town, which is so historic because the town has taken place in time and space, the past of which is known as history. The proceedings are intricate, but in the end the result is tractors with Christmas tree lights, Peaky Blinders riding on dodgems, and knife crime shortly after they are unable to "dodge 'em". Trash city (see image far left, Bridgwater Carnival), was the theme of last years carnival. It was an interactive play based on life in Bridgwater. The key point is that the setting was Bridgwater in the future, as it was indeed a "city" by that point and is currently not. In the future, Bridgwater is run by Wetherspoons mercenaries with big guns and neon torture wheels. Critics argue that the only thing the lore offers is that "the torture wheels are made neon" and that "everything else already happens in present Bridgwater" so the "story is lazy and characterised by poor writing". When interviewed by Bridgwater Live, Critics also argue that they "didn't mean any offence, sir. I can clearly see a lot of effort was put into the show(..)", Critics also mention "Please don't kill my family. I have money, lot's of it.". They find anything to complain about these days don't they?
Demographics, Notable Residents[edit | edit source]
Ancestry dates back to the original tradesmen who once passed by Bridgwater. Once the bridg was fully constructed, their only method of escape was going backwards, which was in hindsight quite obvious. However once the river took on its chocolate sludge form, their escape was severely limited. They now in fact make up approximately half of the ancestral basis for its residents. Initially before the Bridg was constructed, the town of Water was an offshoot of the lost civilization of Atlantis and thus the resident of modern Bridgwater still retain their half fish heritage. Many of these residents have visible scales and fins, with some even retaining a tail and a piss poor attitude towards being on land.
Notable residents include:
Walter Bridg (Town Founder)
It was Walter who made the bridg in the beginning and spurred Bridgwater on towards its modern future. Since he was from a time before the tradesmen had established genes in Bridgwater, he was actually of total Atlantis heritage. This fact aided him in the practical development of the bridg, he was able to clear the way below the water for the external builders who were imported from Bridgewater, Massachusetts, America, by a sick accident in planning and coincidence on the America government's behalf, who were also constructing a bridge at the time. Through this error, these builders constructed a bridge instead of a bridg.
Robert Blake (Naval Commander)
Noted for bringing the English Navy into its current standing of dominance, Robert Blake was born in Bridgwater. It was said he was the only child in his years that could survive the water of the river, which even back in 1615 was polluted severely. One can only wonder if any other river could have trained him for the hardships of naval warfare in quite the same way. Robert Blake's untimely suicide at the age of 35 was completely unrelated to Bridgwater, as he clearly stated in his post suicide interview with Bridgwater Live, who has also set up a reporting base in a damp grey part of the clouds in Lower Heaven, which is located still, in Bridgwater under the name of "angel place". This is ironic because Robert Blake suffered seriously from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and grey skies made him depressed. "Bridgwater is not the worst place in the world, because its not even good at being depressing. That is what kills you in the end. There are worse skies I'm sure, and in scarier places, but I sometimes think to myself I wouldn't have minded them. A deep storm in the midst of a nuclear winter might sound to you like the most saddening event in the world to someone like me, but no. If the weather is going to toll away at me until I die, I'd rather die in a storm. There are no storms in Bridgwater. There is no hope." spoke Blake. He was wrong. There is Hope, she works in Wetherspoons. She gave me an extra sausage last week.
Jazzy Jeff (Citizen)
Jeff has maintained a popular standing amongst the townsfolk, and is in fact the most lawful citizen in Bridgwater according to a recent survey. For example: Jeff clearly indicates when he is turning off, he stops at red lights, and follows the speed limit. One criticism to Jeff's name is that he does this while in an imaginary car as opposed to a physical one. Quite commonly seen running up and down the main roads, Jeff will indeed crouch down while he is running (to prevent himself from hitting the roof), place both hands on the wheel (to maintain full control), and all while positively sober (as drink driving is illegal). He frequents the Jazz channels on his invisible radio set too, and pulls off quite impressive saxophone solos when he's in the right mood.
God (Our Father)
Apparently God frequents Bridgwater, because I hear his name shouted a lot when I go here, but no one can seem to tell me who he is or what he wants. "Bridgwater Ceasefire Day" took place on March 3, 1765. God purified Bridgwater river for a single day and turned it to beautiful snow, he was even said to have sung "Auld Lang Syne". One of the citizens of Bridgwater mentioned, casually, "To be fair, it is mid spring, whyayou singin' a new'ear's song?" God amounted to a mass of rage never before witnessed even in vein of the tellings of the old testament Lord, and politely told the man: "Every day is a new day, my son." The crowd dispersed shortly after God returned to Heaven and the day ended. The smoke, see image far left (Ceasefire) appeared when God came back unannounced several days after he had left from Ceasefire day and begun smoking a cigarette. One of the men in the photo, though it is unknown who, broke the silence: "Bit cold, isn't it?". God, it was said, who transformed unfalteringly into a white sphere of pure rage, hatred, and inferno, said softly: "Chilly chilly is the evening time, my son." and made for his way back to Heaven that evening. Halfway back to Heaven however, God was said to have changed his route back to Bridgwater. This troubled onlookers as when Our Lord set up a chair on the river's surface, and after a man from the crowd had murmured "The Indians are a nice race of people", they noticed that after arriving in Bridgwater unannounced, God took upon a form which can only be detailed as that of an unmerciful type II supernova with the ability to manually target victims, and burned everyone to within an inch of their lives within a three mile radius of the river before disappearing the snow and manually drowning each man and woman. The children were delightfully brought back to Heaven by God, to be objectively shown that their parents were not there. They were then collectively grabbed and thrown five rotations around the Earth before they found their resting place in Bridgewater, USA, by a severe but understandable miscalculation by the person who made the world in six days.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Bridgwater has some regard for its river, which was inspired by the river in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. It has been detailed by famous rock Gods over the years for the effect it has had on them.
"In my writing, I seem to fixate on a location and it tends to form the backbone to the work that I am facing" said Bowie in a 2003 interview for Bridgwater Live. "Bridgwater was terrible. A terribly dark place, for I could still sense the echoes of music left behind. I was writing in absence of music there, New Music: Day and Night. Bridgwater was the night. It is a common misconception that my 'Heroes' were in Berlin, perhaps they were. But for me, I always intended them to be in Bridgwater. Two lovers separated by the river. There was no physical barrier, there was never a wall. There was nothing. But no one crossed. There was nothing. We were nothing." - David Bowie, Bridgwater Live Interview, 2003.
Bowie wrote of Bridgwater river notably in his 1977 single "Heroes"
" I, I will be King. And you, you will be Queen. Though nothing will drive them away We could be Heroes, just for one day. And You, you can be mean. And I, I drink all the time. Because we're in Bridgwater, and that is a fact. Yes we're in Bridgwater, and that is that. Though nothing, will keep us together. We could be bums, forever and ever. We could be Heroes, Forever and ever, What'd you say? I, I wish I could swim. Like the sewage, like sewage can swim. Though nothing, will cross Bridgwater River. We could get benefits, forever and ever. We could be Heroes, Just for one day. " - David Bowie
Some say the reference to Bridgwater is false, and that Bowie is only fan pleasing his working class audience by coming out to mention Bridgwater. Some however count the lines "Because we're in Bridgwater, and that is a fact" as a fact that it was in Bridgwater.
As shown in Bridgwater River (far left), there are several corpses floating in the river. They are known to drag people into the river, eternally housing them for the afterlife, they also dish out a mean water polo on the side. Onlookers may be amazed, but if water polo is happening, you can guarantee one of the living dead is sneaking around behind you ready to call you off the bench and get you in the game. This is suboptimal for the majority of the human race. To avoid this, wearing a land sport uniform such as a football uniform are all turnoffs for the Living Dead who will leave you alone and need serious good players, not fucking wasters, and seriously loyal best friends, not little girls. Bridgwater Bay is a site to behold, and for a town with water on its official government name deeds you would not expect any less.
The bay is also known as "Oil Ocean, Act 1" as it was used by Doctor Robotnik as one of his commercial oil rigs to fuel his cyborg empire. Robotnik was taken for interview by Bridgwater Live.
"Ah yes. Bridgwater. I haven't visited that particular base in a while, and I really should. It's actually the base that finally did it, yes that's right, its where I killed Sonic The Hedgehog. I normally go down there for holidays in the summer with my wife and the children, but I'm thinking of moving my whole company wide operations to Bridgwater itself. The bonus being I simply wouldn't have to do much work to the old town to make it an evil empire city, its heading that way naturally. Oh Sonic? How did I do it? Well I suppose that's what the press wants to know... I didn't really... well I...(...)" after being probed by our interviewers with a chilly dog hotdog, and being politely referred to by his older and arguably cooler name "Robotnik" as opposed to "Eggman", he recalled the events. "I'd got my little boss battle all set up for Oil Ocean, right and ready for him to arrive. I had planned for this octopus robot submarine thingy to come up from the water and shoot things at him, but he didn't turn up. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but after a couple more hours of waiting, the fastest thing alive hadn't arrived, and me and the other robots started to worry." Our reporter went on, "Was it normal for Sonic to notify you of his arrival to your boss battles?". "Well yes, it was actually. He was starting to do that near the end of his life." said the evil doctor.
"I actually went myself to go look for him, the whole army was looking. Until I found him, and he had just gotten to Oil Ocean after he had finished Bridgwater Zone Act 3. He was all curled up on the edge of Bridgwater Bay. I think he was crying. I could hardly stand to watch my nemesis in a state like that, it looks bad for both of us. I gave him a... I-I... come on... keep it together... I'm sorry reporter, give me a moment. I gave him a pat. You know, people.. people give people pats don't they? When they're crying? But, he.... he didn't have any rings after Bridgwater Zone. Bridgwater does that to you. I killed Sonic The Hedgehog. But was it me, or Bridgwater? What's the difference in the end? I killed Sonic The Hedgehog." - Doctor Robotnik, Bridgwater Live Interview, 1994.
Crime[edit | edit source]
Machete Wielding Fifteen Year Old Outside Bridgwater College Pictured Running Away From Camera Recording Him And In Systematic Intervals Turning Back Around To Wave The Short Sword Several Times In A Manner Like That Of A Fairy Wand Before Re-Proceeding To Run activities, or MWFYOOBCPRAFCRHAISITBATWTSSSTIAMLTOAFWBRPTR crimes for short, have provided a wholly new and intensified problem for the local police units of the town. Wetherspoons' police department has attempted to stop this crime from taking place, but due to stakeholder conflicts has been unable to. As the police force is ran by Wetherspoons, which is a public limited company, and the fifteen year olds committing the crimes hold too high a share in the company, they are unable to be arrested. Although calling the police was outlawed in 1964, for anyone who slips through the cracks, the police department has redirected all of its calls to the fire department, which has redirected its calls to the ambulance service, which has redirected its calls to the police department. This tactic is known as "Public Service Evasive Manoeuvres".
Child gangs roam the streets of Bridgwater hoping to eventually control enough shares in Wetherspoons to perform a full takeover. Crimes beginning with A committed by these gangs can include but are not limited to:
A SECTION
- Assault with intent to commit buggery
- Assault on child under 13 by penetration
- Attempting to injure or alarm the Sovereign
- Attempt to cause explosion
- Assault with six foot knife with intent to record evidence of oneself to be used as evidence in court at a later date
- Assaulting prison officer by pushing other prison officer into prison officer
- Assisting another to retain proceeds of terrorist activities
- Assisting illegal entry or harbouring criminals
- Assisting prisoners to escape
- Attempting to choke, suffocate, strangle
- Attempting counterfeiting of Wetherspoons shares
- Attempting miscarriage by poison
- Attempting to force person with mental disorder to watch sexual act
- Assisting in injuring submarine telegraph cables
- Assisting in getting sozzled on an aircraft
Education[edit | edit source]
The only university in Bridgwater, Bridgwater Online University, is ranked #5 in the list of universities in Bridgwater, this is nothing to scoff at. Education usually takes place in the Brick and Tile museum which is central relative to the town. Bath university is well respected, and can be gotten to via a train line leaving from Bridgwater. I have been there twice from a Bridgwater train, the first time someone jumped in front of the train tracks, but not in a fashion as to harm themselves. They instead jumped in front of the train tracks twenty minutes before the train was due to leave, and remained there for an hour as to delay my train. I killed them shortly afterwards. The second time I went to Bath, which was founded by the Romans as a site for cleaning themselves after leaving Bridgwater, nothing unordinary took place and the train ran smoothly. This provides a clear 50/50 split indicator for safety of the line to Bath, a 50% chance at an education if you will. However this chance is quite hampered considering none who live in Bridgwater trade in the same currency as the train line or the rest of the country, by design, and are unable to purchase tickets to leave by selling Wetherspoons shares.
University is not always the option and other methods of higher education are proudly enabled in Bridgwater, this gives students the "Bridgwater edge", as knife crime specialist officer Mike Newman has advised us here at uncyclopedia. Apprenticeships are no longer restricted to manual labour and stereotypically low skilled work. In Bridgwater, or "Bridgy" as the locals insist on calling it, barriers are broken. One of these such barriers is a local solicitor firm, which will remain unnamed because I am scared of their power. Their professionalism extends even beyond the fact that they spelt Bridgwater wrong in their legal documents, the town they are based in, to such feats as not breaking down and crying during working hours. College may also be where the students remain.
"College is mandatory, yes, but because our students are also mandated to complete their GCSEs, the two years of college can be spent retaking failed GCSE exams instead. The adventurous ones could even top this with a religious studies BTEC, or a PE studies qualification if they really want to stand out above their peers. This is optimal if you wish to come out with no further qualifications and to remain at college past the age of 18 to prey on, I mean, converse, with slightly underage girls. If having a car is freedom, then being the only one with a car is having freedom over others, then exerting that freedom inequality over others for sex, this is excellent. The other boys will hardly be competition as you begin the year for the third time. I personally never left." - Head Of Bridgwater College