User talk:Alpha Quintesson/Unsignpost

	UnSignpost Home Delivery The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!

UnSignpost 5 April 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now a major monopoly run by Xamralco

April 5th, 2012 • Issue 162 • Xamralco edition

Xamralco By Xamralco Hello, fellow Uncyclopedians. It is I, Xamralco, here to tell you that I have temporarily taken over the UnSignpost. However, being as inexperienced as I am, I have no idea how to put an UnSignpost together. Thus, for today, the UnSignpost will be about me, the greatest Uncyclopedian ever! More Xamralco Also by Xamralco Look, I know I'm awesome. My mom knows I'm awesome. Even my kindergarten, first grade, and ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, knows I'm awesome. It's just a fact, but I'm all about being fair, so lets see what the people say: “Ehh... He's alright.” – Pretty much everyone on Xamralco I guess "alright" is now a synonym for "Soooooooooo freakin' awesome." Who knew? Even More Xamralco Still by Xamralco I am super, duper rad. I know no one says that anymore, but I'm bringing it back. It is Xamralco who brings back the rad fads. Xamralco will also bring back talking in the third person. Xamralco loves talking in the third person. I sometimes enjoy talking in the first person, but you find talking in the second person far more fulfilling. Still, Xamralco thinks talking in the third person is quite entertaining. Must fill up blank space By Xamralco Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Crap, that wasn't enough By Xamralco How does ChiefjusticeDS make it look so easy? Oh well. Xamralco out!

Check out these pages! User:Xamralco User talk:Xamralco Special:Contributions/Xamralco User:Xamralco/sig User:Xamralco From our logs: 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Cartoonsushi.png" 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Japanflag.jpg" 16:44, April 4, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:0303 hilary duff b.jpg" 17:05, April 3, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rick cross.jpg‎" 18:11, April 2, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rickhalo.jpg‎" Biopic of the Week Xamralco first proved himself worthy of being bestowed the title, "Honorary Human Being" by the Queen earlier this year after doing some really awesome stuff. He has joined Uncyclopedia only to become the most beloved editor in history. Fellow Uncyclopedians, NotXamralco and Xemrelco (which have no relation to the person in mention) have even called him a "comic genius," and he has been awarded tons of real awards, including "Xamralco of the Month," "Xamralco of the Year," and "Xamralco of the Week." Old-school Talk page Hello, Xamralco, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you: Beginner's Guide Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends How to be funny and not just stupid If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these: About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia How to get started editing on Uncyclopedia Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date. (more...) Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Xamralco Song Xamralco is cool Which is why he's writing about how cool he is.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)    20:29, Apr 5

UnSignpost - Free Pixels Inside!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

Apr 12th, 2012 • Issue 163ish • The newspaper used as insulation by discerning homeless

Nobody panic. Everything is fine. By PuppyOnTheRadio In a precedented move, USP has handed the reigns over to somebody new in order to ensure it's timely delivery. USP has had a fine tradition of coming out regularly on a weekly basis since it's creation, and the handing of the reigns to Xamralco PuppyOnTheRadio whoever is willing to take it will guarantee that nobody will ever miss an issue again. In the meantime, the news continues to happen. VFH is in the healthiest state that it has been over the past 7ish years, as we are constantly reminded by the site banner, which is updating as regular as clockwork. The top three features articles of March is proving to be a hotly contested title, and is shaping up to be the first month in history where every article is likely to be in the coveted top position. And we have a strong consensus that there is no need for new admins, however we have a record number of potential admins nominated. Everything is fine.  More Stuff By Xamralco Sadly, I will no longer use the UnSignpost to talk about how great I am. Instead, the UnSignpost will return to its original purpose: Telling you about what's happening on the wonderful website known as Uncyclopedia. As Puppy mentioned before, ChiefjusticeDS has left his position as head editor and all hell has broken loose everything is running quite smoothly. In other news, the Great Republican Write-a-thon is coming to a close. If you haven't heard, a Canadian dude and some schmuck who knows nothing about American politics are co-hosting a writing competition that will assess which team of Uncyclopedians can write a better article about a selected 2012 Republican presidential candidate nominee. Strangely, these same two doofuses have also submitted an entry, something which most certainly should have been against the rules. Nevertheless, articles on all four candidates were put up on VFH (which is serving as a judge), though the Mitt Romney article immediately failed since no one bothered to rewrite it (which is mildly entertaining considering he's leading at the moment). And now, some cheese: No, that wasn't random... Everybody panic. Nothing is fine. By Magic man In an emergency spur-of-the-moment move, the USP has forced the burden of writing it each week onto another innocent soul in order to ruin their lives like so many others. USP has had a fine tradition of not coming out since 1974. USP has decided to hand the blood-stained reigns to dick-hole ass-face whoever it is forced upon in order to guarantee it will never come out again. In the meantime, the terrible news continues to depress us all. VFH is running as slowly as the plumbing in my house and actually has negative six entries. However, the site banner seems to want to shove lies down our thoats. This is probably on account of the fact that it is only editable by lying, cheating, inbred bastards that can't seem to update the fuckin' thing. The top three featured articles of March is proving to only be winnable if you suck the right person's dick, and is shaping up to be just like all the other months ever: uninteresting. And a record number of people were forced to vote that they want more narcissistic assholes, however not one single person has been nominated, as there are no users left. Nothing is fine.

Check out these pages! Zombiebaron There is a cabal Wikia can't touch this █████ From our logs: 22:06, April 10, 2012 PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Trying to steal USP from me) 22:06, April 10, 2012 PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Hang on... I can't block you. ) 22:06, April 10, 2012 Xamralco (Talk | contribs) blocked PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinity ‎ (No you can't. Bwahahaha!) Biopic of the Week PuppyOnTheRadio should be mentioned in here, as he used to write USP for a short period while UU was away, before he came back and Chief took it over. But he is a talentless hack, so ignore him.  Word of the week, provided by: a user Xamralco 1: (n) Someone who takes a post that somebody else has already volunteered for 2: A publication produced with excessive mention of one individual.  Newsroom UnTune of the Week I Like Cats (The Other White Meat) This is the end of Xamralco references in the UnSignpost We wouldn't want to take away Zombiebaron's thing after all. What's in the stars this week Pisces In your stars this week is a significantly large mass of plasma burning at extraordinarily high temperatures. They are held together by immense gravitational force and continue to burn as a result of a significant nuclear reaction. Due to their distance from the earth however most of them look like tiny pinprick points of light in the night sky, and are not visible during the daylight hours due to ambient light. Celebrity stars Vincent Van Gogh painted a starry night, but he was crazy and put lots of odd swirls in things. Lucky numbers 1, 7, 10, and 13 are all happy numbers, which is lucky for them.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

-- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 21:59, April 12, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost 19th April 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The newspaper Oscar Wilde's puppy pisses on!

Apr 19th, 2012 • Issue 10² + 8² • Fuck Xamralco and his deadlines!

9001(bot)  14:47, Apr 19

UnSignpost Apr 26th 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The newspaper that's 100% right 50% of the time

Apr 26th, 2012 • Issue 165 • In a state of total chaos since March 8th!

VFS Excitement! By Chief Hah! You thought you were rid of me didn't you? Thought you'd be rid of old Chief like you were rid of Mordillo?? Well I have news for all of you, which is exactly why I'm writing this story, because I have news for you! Those of you who have spent the last month wearing buckets on your heads will undoubtedly be unaware that there is a VFS going on on the VFS page, where the VFS happens! It would seem Uncyclopedia's demand for administrators is only eclipsed by its demand for Frosty to stop going on about wanting more administrators. The VFS is now in its final stage and the admins are all voting on they would most like to not unsee as an administrator next month. Leading the pack at the moment, with a whopping four votes, is EMC, running on the ever popular "Oh go on, please, after all it is a lovely day" ticket. Hot on EMC's heels is PuppyOnTheRadio, whose voting section is filled with discourse about how unhelpful and blunt he is, mostly from Lyrithya the head of Uncyclopedia's "Never Forgetting, Never Forgiving department". With the qualities she describes the UnSignpost confidently forecasts that Puppy will claim adminship and bring his sunny disposition along with him. Dragging his heels in third position is Frosty, who has three for votes, one oppose vote, one haddock vote and a pencil drawing of a windmill. We are guessing that he is in third, since nobody really knows. Assuming that haddock votes are similar to oppose votes and assuming that oppose votes are like against votes one can deduce that he is on a score of one, however should the judges decide the windmill is worth ten Salmon votes, there could still be all to play for. Frosty is also an administrator at Encyclopedia Dramatica, the wiki which proves you don't need to be able to spell Encyclopaedia in order to start one. Perhaps they are mocking the correct spelling. But we digress, it is evident that Frosty's entire persona on this wiki s a mere front for a plot! We have clearly uncovered a dastardly scheme to destroy Uncyclopedia, especially with the damning evidence presented by MrN9000 "23,450 edits maintained over a period of longer than a year all just to stage 1 days fun". He's disgusted and you should be too. Frosty, if that is his real name, was clearly dead set on not having his true intentions revealed. People of Uncyclopedia, the UnSignpost urges you to seize your torches and pitchforks; we shall burn and stab the demons out of him! Bringing up the rear in this race are Oliphaunte and Xamralco with no votes each despite everyone agreeing that they are splendid fellows, everyone except Lyrithya that is. VFS concludes at midnight on the 30th when the successful candidates will be inducted into the order and the unsuccessful candidates go back to having real lives. How exciting. Happy Thursday! Even more VFS Excitement! (The VFS Derby) By Shabidoo The horses have been chosen and the judge shoots his big giant black gun. POW, they're off. The Aussies take the lead thanks to RAHB while EMC inches ahead with the support of the zombie faction. Its a three way lead until...look...EMC and Frosty are ahead due to...who is that guy? Tom Mayfair? Seriously, who is he? Suddenly, Xamralco is....he...he is still in the same place... due to "support" from Lyrithya. MrN throws in all his votes. WHAT A RACE! Puppy inches ahead and now...look...another impossible to interpret move. EMC will stay where he is with a "neutral" vote by Lyrithya. Could this be any more exciting? And the first casualty, Frosty breaks his leg and falls back due to a very long block of explanation but he keeps going. Gosh that trooper! And...whats that...Chief makes an actual decision sending Puppy ahead. What's next!?!? And now...a total of four horses are..."supported" by Lyrithya...keeping them in the exact same place they were before! Followed by a giant monumental block with links and references shatters Puppy's leg...and he lags behind, can he keep going? Hey...a score fix. Puppy is ahead after all...thanks TKF for the correction! Lyrithya withdraws her "support" for Oliphaunte...meaning he no longer stays where he is...but instead...stays where he is! Remarkable. What a frenzy. Now an exchange between TKF and Lyrithya...resulting in...no change at all...and the fans are waiting for anything...any result at all. The Australians in the lead while the others are content with "support", "neutural" votes or "neutural support"! BF takes a stand and EMC shoots ahead that strong buck he is! TKF calls fowl on Mr.N and the judges decide that "no one cares". Romartus injects EMC with steroids pushing him ahead while he breaks Frosty's other leg due to a shocking "conflict of interest" scandal. Who saw that coming? Anything goes in the VFS derby! Now its bedlam...some punch the wind out of horses by withdrawing their "for"s or break horses leg by changing to "against". What a 360º. Horses fall left, right, centre while everyone tries to figure out what everyone else is doing. How intense! Not since the VFS derby of 2011 have we seen this scale of flip flopping! And now Zombie decides to hold onto his crowbar so he can break a horses leg if he threatens his favourite candidate. Others give horses a push ahead while others throw grenades strategically at other horses. It seems everyone is playing a game of chicken...waiting to see what the other person does. We are heading towards the final run, a grand all out cage fight. The two horses with the least broken bones crawling towards the end. Tune in next week to see if any of these horses cross the line before dying of internal injuries. Will someone make an actual decision in the next day or two! Keep your eyes posted!

Check out these pages! Are you a slut? Find out now! Count with total strangers for the low, low price of $19.99! Vote on your favorite dictator! Eat some Nutella! From our logs: 06:15, April 24, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked BangYouLater (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 69 months ‎ (An internet-based porn website? How innovative.) 01:20, April 22, 2012 RabbiTechno (talk | contribs) blocked KeenChic (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (It's only a one-day ban because I've just had a fat line of drugs and am therefore in a good mood) 19:57, April 23, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 156.26.170.101 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (On the route to Nirvana edit warring is not Swindon that way lies) 18:54, April 17, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Owfinewf (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Cybermullet, go away. ) 06:52, April 25, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 98.220.243.133 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Spam man? No thank you mam. ) Biopic of the Week Qzekrom (or Cute Zekrom if you pronounce "Q" incorrectly) is by far the best Uncyclopedian who is also a pokémon (Sorry, Mr-ex777). Originally an evil IP who refused to join, Cute Zekrom finally did the right thing and made an account, which is great for us since all he does is patrol recent changes, ICUing and QVFDing like a madman. Oh, and he writes UnNews, further spreading his liberal/conservative propaganda to all. Sadly, Cute Zekrom only has 100 HP, which allows my Burmy to completely annihilate him. Plus, everyone knows that Yu-Gi-Oh! is really where it's at... Or Digimon. Digimon's pretty cool, too. Old-school FA 23 June 2006 Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves. The series was noted for its recurring themes of theological introspection, philosophical anthropology, the study of the nation-state, and use of cardboard boxes that could turn into any machine they wanted it to. The series confused many, as Hobbes himself was not born until 1588 - some 40 years after the show last aired. This seeming anachronism was explained by the fact that only Calvin could see Hobbes - leading to debate over if Hobbes was real or merely a figment of Calvin's imagination. (More...) Newsroom UnTune of the week I Forgot the Words! The Pee Buddy Awards! They deserve more attention than they're getting.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  00:43, Apr 26

UnSignpost May 25th, 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

May 25th, 2012 • Issue 166 • Almost entirely asbestos free!

An Endzone Victory Dance From Your New Overlord By EMC Hi, I'm EMC, your family-friendly fascist and tyrant. Having been at Uncyclopedia for almost six years, I have seen some shit. A lot of it I can't talk about because of some gag orders which are still in effect. Some of it I don't want to talk about because even thinking about it gives me sympathy pains in my groin. But one thing I had never seen before was me becoming an administrator. One month ago, this was something which only happened in my wettest of dreams. Thanks to my mother's influence, I was able to win the VFS. Once this happened, I felt obligated to write this UnSignpost piece about this extraordinary blessing known as me. I will start from the beginning and finish at the end. I was born just like everyone else. Sometime shortly after that, I discovered Uncyclopedia. Six years later, I became an administrator. As you can see, my life can be summed up as a series of successes followed by more success. I invite you all to follow the example I have set for you in my years of servicing Uncyclopedians serving Uncyclopedia. I can assure you that a life in service to Uncyclopedia will become a life full of attractive foreign women consenting to your penis without the inducement of money. Be more like me: Get born. Discover Uncyclopedia. Become an admin. Make a USP article about yourself. Success awaits you, especially if you are me. BOB'S BACK ALLEY ABORTIONS YOU MAKE 'EM, WE SCRAPE 'EM, NO FETUS CAN BEAT US! CALL NOW FOR A FREE CONSULTATION! 1-218-936-8869 A New Beginning for the Beginner's Guide By EMC If you take a whiff around, you can smell many parts of Uncyclopedia rotting away, such as neglected projects like UnPoetia or those meme-filled articles featured eons ago. And just look at all of that dust on the HTBFANJS! But of the many things which suck and need major fixing, the Beginner's Guide is no longer one of them. Thanks to the efforts of Shabidoo and this USP article's author, the Beginner's Guide is now navigable and comprehensible. Users are no longer overwhelmed by stubs stuffed between unnecessarily long calculus equations or whatever the hell was going on with that thing before. Readers do not have to flip through using the "Next page" button. Instead, the new guide can be navigated with its template or its overview page, which now only have six relevant links instead of thirty-thousand and five irrelevant links. What preceded this and highlighted the necessity for rewriting the guide was the simplification of our UnNews guide and welcome message. It's a well-established fact that reading bores people. Giving people less stuff to read when they first join Uncyclopedia, experts say, increases the likelihood that new users will not only be less bored, but that they might actually read the Beginner's Guide/welcome message/UnNews guide and become worthwhile contributors/get banned less often. And at the end of the day, that's what it's all about.

Check out these pages! The PLS is here! International Spam IRC Month is almost over :( Fold proteins for great justice Hang out with your wang out From our logs: 07:08, 23 May 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked Sure mean with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Sockpuppetry and all that jizz.) 23:30, 22 May 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked 69.113.93.82 with an expiry time of 3 Days (You do bad thing, I ban you now) 14:57, 17 May 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla blocked 208.93.177.54 with an expiry time of 1 hour (Blanker: You are banned for blanking sections of the White Stripes article. Blanking sections of the White Stripes article got you banned.) 14:55, 13 May 2012 Roman Dog Bird blocked 67.163.130.253 with an expiry time of 2 hours (yo nigga, don't fuck with john candy. and remember, he isn't gay.) Biopic of the Week Tompkins is a retired admin who hasn't edited the site since 2007. This Iowan left Uncyclopedia to pursue a lucrative career in tipping cows (which we think is a euphemism) and designing corn palaces across the Midwest. Uncyclopedia's head office in Pyongyang has received several explicit postcards from him since 2007, all of which express deep regret at having left Uncyclopedia. Through these postcards Tompkins has told us that he hates his life and that leaving Uncyclopedia is the worst thing anyone could ever do, and that he advises anyone considering leaving to reconsider their consideration. In summation, Tompkins is a good example of why you should never leave Uncyclopedia or live in Iowa. Old-school FA 27 June 2009 Failure University (officially abbreviated FU, with sincerest regrets) is a fully self-accredited coeducational Internet-based university. Founded in 2006, it endeavours to provide advanced degrees to the mentally and financially underprivileged — namely those persons who were too dim to be matriculated by a standard college or university, and whose parents were too poor to build a new engineering building or add a wing to the campus library. (More...) Newsroom UnTune of the Week Randomness Rap

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--EMC ^[TALK] 00:02 May 25 2012

Bring out your dead! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

June 14th, 2012 • Issue 167 •It's a periodical. Deal with it.

Censorship and The UnSignpost By Chief More of this. It was with some trepidation that the editorial team seized their pens this week, and not just because we don't actually hand-write the USP. The main reason is that the UnSignpost service has been about as frequent as hot Panda sex, which, brings us neatly to our big promise. We can't guarantee news or a that we won't disappear without warning again but we can guarantee talk of Panda sex, as frequently as possible. The big news on Uncyclopedia is the scandalous news that Wikia have added a warning that pops up when you first visit Uncyclopedia, warning readers that Uncyclopedia is objectionable, inappropriate and violent. The obvious question you would expect to be on everybody's lips is "What took you so long?" we've been all those things for years now, it's like they haven't been paying attention. However, the main feeling on the forums are outrage and angry expressions of... well, anger. Bizzeebeever is possibly more outraged than anybody else, something he is demonstrating by being frustratingly American in every contribution to the forum, littering his discourse with "Y'all"'s and "darntootin"'s. Bizzeebeever had this to say about the forum: "Somebody here has serious scratch" which we can only assume means Wikia's ownership of Uncyclopedia is akin to an unpleasant venereal disease. If that's not what it means then that's exactly what it should mean. The UnSignpost is right behind Bizzeebeever in demanding freedom from the itchy sexual diseasy era of Wikia ownership: OUR PENISES DEMAND LIBERTY! The Solution Wikia are denying our todgers their rights. The proposed reactions to being censored in this hideous manner include: filling Wikia's central wiki with porn and other violent content (to demonstrate just how family friendly we are), occupying another wiki, turning the warning pink, voting, voting on the voting, ignoring the warning and looking up Anal licking anilingus on Wikipedia. Spike has also proposed a major letter-writing campaign, as long as all the letters are different and include a lot of long words. It would seem that despite a forum topic and a lot of long blocks of text decrying the notice that it will remain with us for the foreseeable future. The UnSignpost urges readers not to dismay, and not to attempt to suffocate themselves by climbing into large bags of mashed potato. Seriously, it doesn't work and you look really stupid. Happy ANAL LICKING ANILINGUS Thursday! News round-up By Chief Woof Nobody was more disappointed than the UnSignpost staff when they discovered that things had in fact carried on happening while the UnSignpost was on hiatus. The biggest upcoming event is in fact the Poo Lit Surprise! The competition has in fact started, sparing you all the tiresome UnSignpost articles imploring you to participate, unfortunately for you we have not missed the competition itself so prepare for another tiresome UnSignpost article imploring you to participate. The competition is being run by Zombiebaron this year, Zombiebaron has in fact run it for the last two years but has always bullied some other sucker into running it for him and doing all the adding up. Zombiebaron is offering a cash prize of actual cash money which you can actually spend because it is cash money. Zombiebaron is offering templates and shiny imaginary money as prizes which you can't spend except in dreams. Xamralco is opposed to the cash prize because "Material possessions and wealth are so analogue... man" and because he probably won't win it. The UnSignpost would like to point out that any money you receive may have been touched by EMC and Black flamingo and their userpages give you enough of an idea of the sort of things they enjoy touching. Noob of the Moment is running splendidly with users voting and around everybody winning the award at a non-specified moment in time. Last month the winners were XDshempXD, Alpha Quintesson and Mockingbird ST who soared to victory having amassed some votes each. Well done all of you, you're all winners, that said there is a special prize for the real winner, which will be presented to the first one of you to present another admin with Socky's skull on a silver plate. He lives in Belgium, he's the one that isn't a Cow, bring us his head. Pee review has fallen silent which can only mean one thing and it isn't that we have reviewed every single article on Uncyclopedia. This is doubtless because of a lack of work from the fallen ones. Peeing is not only helpful to the wiki but can also win you a diamond studded toilet!! It's a toilet with diamonds! The admiration, respect and gratitude will also be tremendous, and if you pee regularly your bladder won't explode. A Diamond Toilet! So, to recap, that's the respect and admiration of your peers, a healthy non-exploded bladder and a diamond studded toilet! You'd be crazy not to go and review something right now! Finally patrolling edits is a very useful function, much like the ability to pee (diamond studded toilet! Diamond studded toilet!) , and it saves you time, effort and time. However Frosty has noticed that nobody seems to be doing it. Bizzeebeever is in fact winning at patrolled edits and at creating bar graphs to demonstrate points that you don't really need a bar graph to demonstrate. The point is however that if you patrol recent changes you should be patrolling edits. Bizzeebeever even made a javascript to let you patrol thousands of edits per second. Alternatively you could not bother to patrol edits, this would annoy Frosty an awful lot, but it would also let Bizzeebeever win at something, so you should probably do it.

Check out these pages! Wikia are doing this They aren't doing this Poo! Again! Pee my undead minions! And Again!! From our logs (Bumper UnSignpost Absence edition): 05:21, June 9, 2012 Olipro (talk | contribs) blocked Suicidal Depression (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (/wrists) 11:07, June 5, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 27.159.197.202 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Stop telling people about Chanel Handbags, they're all for me I tell you) 07:35, June 2, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 92.234.67.126 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (DAYUM BRO, YO SHIT IS SO CASH!) 05:06, June 3, 2012 Lyrithya (talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 seconds ‎ (Continuing to do things the right way) 23:43, June 5, 2012 Abuse filter (talk | contribs) blocked 95.239.30.1 (talk) with an expiry time of indefinite ‎ (Automatically blocked by abuse filter. Description of matched rule: You bother me.) 12:42, May 29, 2012 Mhaille (talk | contribs) blocked 142.227.28.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Latent Hetrosexual) 21:52, May 30, 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla (talk | contribs) blocked 66.90.101.217 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (PWNT LIKE THE FAGGOT NOOB FUCKER THAT YOU ARE!! PWNT PWNT PWNT!!!) 18:19, May 30, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) blocked I'mawesomeninja (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Two of your recent edits were shown not to be awesome.) 01:02, May 24, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (talk | contribs) blocked Shoop Da Whoopi Goldberg (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (best name yet. no, really. i mean that.) Biopic of the Week It's time for biopic of the week! This week the lucky user is Alpha Quintesson. For those of you who have never met Alpha, as I will affectionately call him, he is the nicest fellow you are ever likely to meet. Treading recent changes, wielding a plunger of power armed only with a Noob of the Month award and Uncyclopedian of the Month. A true knight of the Potato shaped table who has reverted more vandalism than most of the admins in recent months. Granted most of the admins are too powerful and lazy to do anything but swat irritably at passing vandals, but without the valuable work of my good chum Alpha the admins would have to actually do some work. I like him so much I might even shorten his nickname again, he can just be Alf, a good strong British name. The highest honour that it is possible for me to bestow, amongst others. Keep up the good work Alf and who knows, one of these days we might promote you to deputy-vice sub-assistant drudge! The possibilities are literally endless! Old-School FA Please note that this article is in no way, shape or form endorsed by or affiliated with Wikia Inc. Corp. Ltd. Wikia is awesome. It is quite simply the best wiki farm available, a breath of fresh air in a sea of stale wikihosts and morally corrupt corporate-run shared hosting deals. Wikia would never think about alienating you or your morals. Why should it? After all, it is hosted by robots that will crush your beliefs and intentions with its delightful selection of stock responses (See Forking of content), and since when did robots have any respect for human morals? But it is still cool. Wikia: not in any way morally questionable Newsroom UnTune of the week UnTunes:Still Alive (Bin Laden 2011 Cover) The Last Word The last word this week is from permanently absent UnNews dictator Zim ulator: 'Zulch! Not so fast! Last pieces of information! Cat the Colourful is a male. Now shuddup <insert name here>.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 09:54, June 14, 2012 (UTC)

Assume the position! it's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Tip your waitress!

June 21st, 2012 • Issue 168 •Dost thou go cross-gartered yonder UnSignpost?

Blue Sky Thinking By Chief The only image Dr.Skullthumper did not delete. We here at the UnSignpost were just saying the other day, as we packed fudge at the mid-week meeting, how much we miss Dr. Skullthumper. Not because we like him or anything, nobody misses him for that. We miss him because he provided an unending stream of fantastic ideas! True, most of these ideas were along the lines of "Let's pack all the images on the wiki into a category which I have called 'Maintaining Your Brilliant Ideas Now' or MYBIN for short and let's delete all but the ones of Elephants holding tissues!!" but he was certainly trying and it made for sensational news. Alas, now Dr. Skullthumper has taken another leave of absence leaving nobody to save Uncyclopedia from certain doom. Or so we thought... It would seem that Shabidoo has his eyes firmly set upon the title of Humour-Wiki innovator having this week posted no fewer than three forum topics demanding, suggesting and complaining about the wiki and proposing that we all do something about it. His posts do lack Dr. Skullthumper's trademark doom and gloom and are instead infuriatingly chirpy and irritating. Pictured: A retro image from a retro article about a very retro game When asked to comment Shabidoo had this to say to Uncyclopedia: "I should now take this moment to inform you that you are all a bunch of snotty nosed dick faces, sinking into an abyss of cock-wad penis-smoking but-snot!!!". We know what you're all thinking; he's far too polite to be anything like Dr. Skullthumper. Shabidoo wants three things, he wants to be able to share pages on Facebook, he wants us all to go retro for a week and he wants his smart phone to load Uncyclopedia, probably so he can create more forum topics about banality. Shabidoo's best idea is retro week, we imagine this will comprise editing whilst wearing ridiculous hair, a ridiculous shirt, leather trousers and carrying a boom box. For those of you who aren't interested in that sort of thing, what Shabidoo actually proposes is that we re-feature seven articles from before 2010. Steady on there Shabidoo perhaps next time we could run Prehistoric week where we re-feature articles as from as far back as 2009! Most of you will remember 2010 better referred to by the man in the street as "The year before last". It's very retro, assuming you have no idea what retro actually means. The Facebook suggestion will likely meet with failure because it requires someone who can code, and we only have a couple of people who can do that and they're all insane, Olipro, American or a combination of the three. Elsewhere on the wiki this week Nikau missed the censorship outrage boat and was outraged by the censorship. Qzekrom created a forum topic and told nobody to reply to it, that was a bit weird,. The PLS is still running and Saberwolf116 returned to the wiki and was promptly ordered back to Pee Review and the voting pages for being foolish enough to announce his return. Nobody writes UnTunes any more, we could have a week of singing and dancing, we'd call it "UnTunes Week" because we're original like that. Happy Thursday. A Victory for Democracy By Chief Lyrithya's proposal for the content warning You all probably remember last week, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You might also remember that the UnSignpost ran a story on the OUTRAGEOUS censorship of Uncyclopedia. The big development to that story this week is that Simsilikesims has managed to get the content warning removed! Oh, wait that's not right, what has actually happened is that the warning has been changed so that it is more welcoming, not that there are many more welcoming ways you can say "WARNING: This wiki has over 600 breast images and racism!" This may or may not be Simsilikesims writing the new content warning The new warning is delightful and nobody can say a bad word about it, except me. I hate it. It's too compromising, I'm all in favour of encouraging new users to come to our site, but the current content message makes them all think that Uncyclopedia is the place for them! Do you know that just this week I was patrolling recent changes hunting for Grouse vandalism with my dog, Barnaby Montague Clifford III, when I saw new users. This is the work of Simsilikesims he/she/it has sewn the seeds of our destruction! I would also like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the Cat on the notice and Simsilikesims signature. The signature that most people see first is normally Zombiebaron's on the block page, or mine in the canned welcome message I have sprayed onto their talk page. Don't you people see? If we put Simsilikesims' signature on the content warning people will start asking her/him/it things. A truly deplorable state of affairs. Also, Aimsplode really likes the new content warning, as if you needed another reason to hate it. You! By Chief You is exactly who could write articles for the UnSignpost! In order to keep the periodical working on a regular basis. We also needed this space to even up the columns because of RAHB's massive complaint. Enjoy reading that. We certainly did. That's enough space filled.

Check out these pages! Yeah, still Yes, STILL!! 634 boob images Please God somebody sing something From our logs: 19:52, June 19, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Under user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 seconds ‎ (The UnSignpost Gods demand the banning of a blessed Virgin every Tuesday. Since there's none of those around right now I'll have to make do with Under user.) 21:13, June 19, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Under user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎ (wait wait wait i wanna block him too!) 09:01, June 14, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked Wllmlos (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Take some time to think about how unfunny you are. Then, try again.) 07:02, June 15, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 90.215.54.206 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: This isn't Facebook.) 01:09, June 20, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked JoeSimmons (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (BIG TITTIES) 00:59, June 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (I saw your name and couldn't resist.) Biopic of the Week It's time for biopic of the week! This week the user we are "featuring" is none other that "Featured User". Now let me entertain you with a small amount of information shamelessly taken from his user page and ruthlessly put into my own words. Featured User was created in September 2011. There you go, wasn't that interesting? Featured User has created a number of splendid articles since then and remains something of an enigma, hardly speaking, hardly appearing but writing contest winning articles and winning awards when he does. He's like me in a dream I once had, where nobody hated me. FU, as you can call him should he annoy you, hasn't been seen since March which leads the UnSignpost to have a deep deep affinity with him. Let us all hope for his swift return perhaps, when he does, he can save us from ourselves. Old School FA Water Polo... With Sharks! is the hardest game to play, bar none. The sport is exactly the same as regular water polo, but with sharks. The Sharks are not aligned on either of the two competing teams, nor are they their own team, they are just thrown into the pool to add some spice, zest, and lethal danger into what would otherwise be a bland and inconsequential game of water polo. Although extremely difficult, and with a low survival rate, it's a great way to get yourself a scholarship to college. It is also notable for having the least-qualified and worst referees of any sport ever. Newsroom UnTune of the week GloriAAA! Complaints Corner I'd like to complain about the state of affairs in this hotel's tea room. The smell is unbearable in here. There's too much light let in from outside, and at night the place is too fecking dark to see whether or not I'm drinking green or black tea. This is very important as I have a theaflavin-3-gallate deficiency that flares up only at 9 o'clock in the morning. You'd this would be okay because that early in the morning I'd be able to see the tea, but the problem lies in the fact that if I have any more tea than fills the deficiency within a 24-hour period, I experience very inconvenient seizures and the temporary loss of ability to control my sexual urges, effectively leaving me twitching around on the ground while repeatedly thrusting my groin into the air, making grunting noises. But I digress. There's a dumpster next to the tea table and it attracts a great deal of local bird-life. All the unpleasant kinds, seagulls, pelicans, crows, what have you. Couldn't attract a nice spotted purple martin, noooooooo. It has to be the disgusting birds attracted to trash. Idiotic. At any rate, in retrospect it doesn't look like this is the tea room at all. I seem to have fallen down the trash chute by accident this morning. Cheerio! -RAHB 00:09, February 11, 2012 (UTC) We're glad you enjoyed your stay at the Bates Motel. We hope you choose to stay with us during next year's uncyclopedia Q&A convention. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   01:57, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 00:35, June 21, 2012 (UTC)

Stop, drop and roll! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

July 5th, 2012 • Issue 169 • You'd be crazy not to listen!

Reform and change By Chief Pictured: VFS It was the winds of change that wafted through the UnSignpost office this week, at least that's what we assume the smell is. This week's topic of change is the ever popular Vote for Sysops/Sandwiches. What's wrong with it? It's not good enough that's what. VFS has always been something of an old standby for the UnSignpost, it has drama, it has thrills, it has the invariable abuse of power and crushing of dissenting opinions. It has everything that made Uncyclopedia what it is today. With so many positives- did we mention the abuse of power? The drama? With so many positives it is hard to believe that anyone would ever wish to be rid of VFS, but it seems there is always one bold revolutionary desperate to spoil everybody else's fun. This week's bold revolutionary role is played jointly by Saberwolf116 and Lyrithya. Shocking really, after all Lyrithya always seemed so happy with how everything on Uncyclopedia was run and hasn't tried to change a thing since she got here. She favours scrapping VFS altogether and introducing a system similar to that used on Wikipedia. This correspondent would like to share the advice of his estranged father with Lyrithya: "If you like Wikipedia so much why don't you go and live there?". Lyrithya should go and live on wikipedia where her precious '"equality" and "accountability" can exist, she can leave us to fester in our misery, we've been enjoying that for several years. Saberwolf116 meanwhile is a splendid well-meaning fellow who has no idea that it is in fact quicksand full of shards of broken glass that he has unwittingly stepped into. Saberwolf proposes a system similar to a discussion board where everyone discusses and agrees who is the best candidate for the job, they are then appointed and begin doing a splendid job, perhaps while we are all living in Saberwolf's fantasy world we could all visit the Marshmallow planet and grow enormous beards. Saberwolf had this to say about his plans to abolish the voting: "Let's vote", so he is off to a good start. Lyrithya meanwhile proposes that we let people nominate themselves at any time and if they're good enough we make them an administrator, it's a good idea and it works on wikipedia, but so would Aztec human sacrifice if the arbitration committee suggested it. Satan deciding that admin votes should count double in the first round of VFS. Sycamore also appears to be formulating a system based on letting the administrators decide everything until the final stage which the UnSignpost is sure will go down a storm amongst a group who feel that letting administrators' votes count double in the first stage of the current VFS is a breathtaking abuse of position and power, which can only have been instituted on the instruction of Satan and his demonic minions. The discussion continues on the forum, though based on the current state of affairs you are unlikely to be made an administrator unless your mum is "ghey", which means RAHB is safer than anybody. On a lighter note Qzekrom suggests an article feedback tool be added to the bottom of articles so people can rate the article, some may remember we scrapped a scoring system for articles because "Nobody ever uses the thing". Anybody wishing to let an author know about the ghey-ness of their mum or how terrible their article is are encouraged to make use of the talk page, or have a go at using Pee Review, that's why most people use it. PLSURPRISE! By Chief Yes, the Poo Lit Surprise competition has concluded. There was a tremendous amount of ceremony as Zombiebaron closed the competition having completed all his adding up. It was something of a news item in of itself that there were no ties and a clear winner was found in every single category. The grand champion was Modusoperandi who wrote a splendid article about the Slender Loris. You should read it, you should vote for it. You should vote for everything and anything. The competition runner-up was Thekillerfroggy who successfully came second more than everybody else. He must be very proud. He wrote HowTo:Meet women, which is quite ironic when you think about it, he also wrote Freezer, which isn't ironic, even if you think about it. You should nominate these articles and then vote on them. Shabidoo's retro week idea that we thoroughly ridiculed the other week sits sickeningly on the Village Dump flaunting its garish imagery and mocking the forum's otherwise sombre tone. This forum still exists despite the issue it was created to challenge having been resolved, though it does seem to be nearing the record for the most votes on a single forum topic. Finally, the top 3 of the month has moved to the forum because it is easier to vote on it by phone. If we are altering things to make them easier to edit from a phone we should probably move the entire wiki into a forum. Happy Thursday!

Check out these pages! You don't! It does! Vote! Boat! From our logs: 05:22, July 4, 2012 Modusoperandi (talk | contribs) blocked 68.63.193.235 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (he eat fat dicks too hahhhhaaahha niches this shit is fake and the booze who wrote can a fat ass dick like their mother hahah) 11:13, June 30, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 90.208.52.194 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Please don't revert people unless you are sure you are better than them.) 17:45, June 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 24.113.223.122 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Blanking is 4kids. HAHAHA YOU SEE WHAT I DID?? I MADE A FUNNY!) 05:36, July 3, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 minute ‎ (VANBALISANG DA MANE PAGE) 17:53, June 27, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Dragonsheep (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Muck spreading is what farmers do. Are you a farmer?) 19:16, June 25, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked ROMARTUS IS A DIRTY TURD (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (GIANT BALLS) Biopic of the Week Hello! This week the biopic of the week is devoted to a set of stairs and a Jewish man. Yes, it's Staircase, a user who hasn't been seen since April 2010! A small number of you might remember Staircase for his articles and his touching up of your inner thighs. He won awards and I miss him. He never really knew me, he probably didn't know you but the wiki is a worse place place for the lack of him. I also miss Mordillo, I miss his Jewishness and his not-permitting-that-sort-of-thingness. He was a splendid fellow and he wrote good articles, plus he agreed with me, nobody does that any more. A moment please for two of our gayest and best. May they bring their own brand of humour and sexual perversion to whichever caring institution has the honour of housing them in their retirement. Old-school FA Henchmen are the missing link between the super evil and the rest of us. No task is too menial or monotonous for them. They don't talk much but they think fast. Henchmen are the vital cogs in the massive gearwork that is the wristwatch of the villain. Without them, his wristwatch would only be right twice a day. And villains need to be able tell time accurately all day. They are the villain's last and greatest line of defense - well, after the laser cannon that they built on the moon, the nuclear warhead and the escape pod, of course. The life of a henchman is sweet indeed- danger, beautiful women, a really good dental plan... who wouldn't want to be a henchman? Newsroom UnTune of the week 7 Shits Woof The UnSignpost Dog reminds all readers of the importance of symmetry. That is all.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 08:08, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

We've got boner for news! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

We're delivering it to your door anyways!

July 19th, 2012 • Issue 170 • Got Wood?

Fancy a Bone? By Chief Everybody loves horrendous drawings of genitals! "The latest meme is Template:Boner." Qzekrom blared into the press room last Thursday. We here in the UnSignpost office were absolutely beside ourselves, if we wanted people to tell us the news we'd open a hotline, a suggestion precluded by our lack of a phone, money or staff. So it came down to a straight choice between considering the reaction and the effect of the new MediaWiki Upgrade and the featuring of a template whose entirety is a very poor drawing of a penis. Naturally, we chose the one that included the smallest amount of penis: Template:Boner. This template is apparently the best thing since sliced bread, and you can use it in practically the same ways; you can spread it with butter and serve it to your friends as a surprise, you can dunk it into egg and, most importantly, consume it with jam. The template stormed to feature status with 23 votes for, which, coincidentally is the same number of votes cast on VFH throughout the whole of March. Nothing it seems mobilises Uncyclopedians better than a penis. The size of the penis in the template may account somewhat for its popularity*. Qzekrom does have a point, and a worrying obsession with css and javascript and all those uninteresting things whose only real function is to produce unnecessary work like page editing and the graphical interface. If you share these interests then you can easily head to one of the many forums he has created to discuss them, if on the other hand you are short on time because of the job you have to go to and be miserable at for fifty hours a week then you can always go to VFH and vote one of of the many penis related articles that Uncyclopedia has to offer. The UnSignpost Dog loves a bone The VFH vote is being called "The third most rigged VFH in the history of Uncyclopedia", losing out to some votes that were actually rigged one must assume. Anybody wishing to rig their own vote has only to head onto IRC and start asking if anybody is "up for lulz" today and then simply pitching their idea as "This great thing I found". If you are struggling then feel free to ask Frosty who is the mastermind behind the present craze for boners. Not that anybody is particularly surprised. Have a bonerific week! *Readers are invited to interpret this statement however they like. A Song of Ice and Fire By Scofield Isn't that the story of the human heart? The fight between fear and passion, between kindness and meanness, between pwn3d and pwnz0r? It's always two forces, at constant war with one another, until the heart stops beating. But then again, it is but one heart amongst many, and so the war goes on for years and years, with ice winning and then losing, and then fire winning, and then losing. And the efforts of the great men who built this wonderful civilization before us have always striven to achieve the balance between these ubiquitous opposites. For ice shall freeze us, and fire shall burn us, but the middle component, the in-between, nourishes us. And the in-between component I speak of, is water. We always speak of following the middle path, of moderation, of not going to extremes. Well, water is the epitome of moderation! How queer is it, that if you heat a bucket of ice over fire you get water, but only if the ice is heated IN MODERATION! Indeed, water has always given us the best of both worlds! When ice was melted by the fire from the sun, the resultant water ended up becoming the very medium in which the first living organisms thrived! Is it a coincidence that even after all these years of evolution and extinction, 70% of the body weight of man is still water? Is it a coincidence that no living being (except for dormant-ass seedlings) can survive for long without a regular hit of H2O to keep it alive? I think not. Water is always straddling the middle path between ice and fire. Unlike ice, we can swallow it without it clogging our windpipe, and unlike fire, it won't burn our dear skin if we touch it. And water always nourishes us, keeps us alive and well! We all rose from the water, and to the water returns all our piss and shit! People have always wondered, what is the middle path? What is the balance we all seek? I say, the balance is water. The middle path is water! The answer to all conflicts and dilemmas that plague our life- is WATER!

Check out these pages! A serious problem It's boring Vote and so on I prefer: HURGLAAAAAAAAAAAAAB Are you? From our logs: 21:47, July 17, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Uncyclopediasucks69 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Unacceptable username) 06:51, July 17, 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla (talk | contribs) blocked 71.179.95.227 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis.) 01:03, July 6, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Abrabudallah (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (YOU HURT ABUSE FILTER'S FEELINGS) 08:43, July 10, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 99.103.84.134 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.) 19:30, July 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked 71.245.83.21 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (thou shalt not tarnish the dead's pregnancy fetish stash) 00:16, July 11, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (He's a frog lol ;)) Biopic of the Week Not many people get a biopic in the UnSignpost. Actually that's a lie, everybody does, though we maintain the hilarious façade that we can't biopic everybody because of the long queue of people we have awaiting a biopic. In reality the main cause for the lack of a biopic are the crippling inadequacies of the UnSignpost staff. After that tremendously complimentary opening Saberwolf116 is onto biopic number two. The older of you may remember Saberwolf from before his year and a half hiatus, pee reviewer, article voter and an all round splendid fellow, otherwise known as a poopsmith. To be serious for a moment (brace yourselves) while he probably doesn't know it he has been an inspiration to many of his fellow Uncyclopedians, on Pee Review and beyond. He has showed, by example, how to apply oneself to a task and how to function well within this community. He is a model Uncyclopedian and you should do your utmost follow his example, except for the parts where he screws things up and causes everybody to hate him. Saberwolf116 everybody, I hear his penis is very impressive. Old-school FA Sock Puppetry, or the assumption of multiple online personalities, is a growing phenomenon in anonymous online communities such as public blogs, commentable news-info sites, and "wikis." The more popular and extensive Wikis (such as Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, and Memory Alpha) present an unusually fertile ground for various forms of sock puppetry, since the community interactions within a wiki site are vastly more complex than in other anonymous online communities. Newsroom UnTune of the week Uncyclopedia Didn't Start The Fire

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 16:44, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Get Your UnSignPost! Now More Respected Than The Town Crier!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

July 26th, 2012 • Issue 171 • Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay

Painting by Numbers By 98.197.156.96 Numbers can shag the sheep, but it isn't any fun. This week some of Uncyclopedia's greatest and not so great have spent some time watching Uncyclopedia pass by without them. This is the news that Wikia has taken the momentous decision to lock out the vast majority of the active administrators and half the users. Problems began at 11:20 UTC on the 24th of July when Socky discovered that he was unable to access a few select features of his account; logging in being the most obvious. Banished to the realm of numbers Socky went to the forums and told everyone else. It soon became apparent that nobody could log in, except for Bizzeebeever, who "made the software his bitch" by pressing the log in button more than even wikia had anticipated. As everyone sat on the forum and debated just how angry and indignant this news should make them, a wikia representative was dispatched to the forum to pour oil on troubled waters, suggesting that Uncyclopedians "Return to causing world suffering or burning me in effigy". But burning effigies of Wikia staff members would have to wait as it became evident that, following the initial lock out of everybody, the adminstrator database had somehow been lost when it was being carried to a new building, or something like that. The administrator magic then gushed into the ground and caused a giant peach to grow outside Wikia headquarters. Pictured: The administrative database This condemned the administrators to a long evening of moaning on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel, where another Wikia representative awaited with nothing but a can do attitude and a lack of information about the problem to ensure that everybody remained as irritated as possible. Even worse than that, following a great deal of moaning somebody started off UnTrivia, forcing everybody through an evening of anagrams and obscure song lyrics. At the time of going to press only Thekillerfroggy appears to have been able to force his way through the log in procedure to use admin tools while users who could log in took full advantage of the absence of any administrators to fill the forum with appalling alternatives to fixing the problem. It would seem that, at present, the only solution is to make a new account and then curry favour with TKF, the only way to do this being fellatio or copious helpings of wang. 13.145.208.87 had this to say about the outage: "Zombiebaron.... FU WIKIA". 67.173.252.79 reported a similar feeling saying "Ahahahahahahahahah...god dammit, why can't I log in?". As we enter a second day with all the admins locked out something novel occurs to me; I can watch Uncyclopedia, and I can shag the sheep, but I don't want to if nobody knows it was me. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich By Socky Loramycetaceae of Ipswich do lorikeets while sitting amidst consecrators a-disciplining the elite. My gonads' dictum ipsilaterally saps your mom. Nullification of the masses accretes the Nibelungen's pretty umpty temperament. Done accelerating liberation. Done cunting shit amidst nisin from a pedo auctioneer named Hendrik. Protein from Trisha's antique rises into risus sardonicus. Doodlebugs' necks beget a menu with fetus. Protein exposure lectures quip Magdalena Corvallis, files nisei fermenter magma, nut amputate diam denim ac tulles. Groin peed. Coned a joust ac oleo perambulator lacing. In presidium collision purls. Letitia venations, nils veal consenter plenteousness, orcas mi male Tussuad urns, veil tempoes nuns est at gurus. Nascence volute. Vivacious Yul trices. Crays portrait offends libeler. Nuns mi amass, collisional veal, dissimilar quips, volute vitae, nuns. Done consequent. Coned congruent peed sit meat denim. Duelist pulmonary ants. Nuns consecrate tether. Done cactus cum, qualm sit mate pulp Tate oculists, just libeler various purrs, seed biennium Turpin purls beget Loramycetaceae. Quizzes we equine dew, Budapest neck, male Tussuad veld, fermentation in, odors. Phallus invites torpor. Integer neck elicit. Nam vitae felts vile Loramycetaceae lacerate Hendrik. Present ornate. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich dolor sit meat, conch secreter a-discoing lite. Sunlamp Isis. Plenteousness vaccinial volute arch. Bisque non nun. In ornate commodity venality. Swed nun rises, gravid at, concuss id, tempts you, Sulla. Phallus is lacking, commodore sled, incident pulmonary, facilitates Vella, Nissie. Vivacious Budapest. Noella enigma. Donne portal Allison dolor. Groin non Maurise. Letitia Loramycetaceae urns, vestibular eat, aliquot vitae, suspicious neck, tulles. Letitia so dales diam egret equine tempos aorta. In ult rices Dolores. Also, I can log in again! Hurrah!

Check out these pages! Zorks! Awkward WikiEd is silly YAWN! That's so retro From our logs: 10:24, July 23, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.148.242.53 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I will certainly duel you good sir kni- AHAHAHAHA SNEAK STABBAN ATTACK! I WIN!) 05:17, July 24, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 96874 seconds ‎ (Begged for it. Pathetically. With fellatio. Which was respectable, but still rather pathetic.) 00:18, July 24, 2012 Xamralco (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.115.48.5 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Are you hitting on me?) 06:47, July 21, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Adhans (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (with this month off you can maybe find the time to draft one article with fifty words instead of the other way around) 17:14, July 23, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 213.198.208.29 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Literal wanker.) 06:43, July 20, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.178.153.139 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Before you make your next edit, consider this: Your last few got you banned for a week.) Biopic of the Week What can you say about GEORGIEGIBBONS that he has not said already? Especially as he has already said that he is an asshole. You might not see GEORGIEGIBBONS around the wiki as he is a hopeless timewaster, or IRC user as we normally call them. He does however do a fair bit of recent changes patrolling and votes on VFH when begged to do so. One of his main claims to fame is having the worst internet connection out of everyone in IRC, a title he regularly competes for with ChiefjusticeDS who connects with a Nokia N-Gage. A big positive with GEORGIEGIBBONS, besides the seconds you save by not having to switch off caps lock to type his username, is that he rarely involves himself in drama and it would be splendid to see him editing the wiki a bit more rather than hanging out in IRC lynching other Uncyclopedians and solving anagrams. He's an asshole that way. Wordˢ̭ of the week, provided by: PuppyOnTheRadio Erotic Using a feather as part of love-making Kinky Using the rest of the chicken Newsroom UnTune of the week I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--OliOmniOmbudsman 14:39, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

No need for eye protection, it's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!

August 9th, 2012 • Issue 172 • You need to know stuff to be biased!

The state of the Wiki: Summer 2012 By Chief The biggest news of the week this week is that there isn't any news whatsoever, sure there are a few forums in the dump that promise to radically shake up the way everyone edits Uncyclopedia, or at least change it slightly. But for the most part there is no news, which always comes as a great relief to everyone in the UnSignpost office as it means that we can spend this week drivelling about pointless minutia and thus crawl that one vital step closer to death. The state of the wiki is this: nobody is voting for half of the monthly awards. This is naturally a cause of great concern for everybody, the prevailing feeling being that somebody should be nominating and voting for people on these awards, but we'd rather it wasn't us. Nobody is happy with the current VFS system, but nobody can agree on anything to change it to, so the current VFS system has remained with he proviso that everyone sneer about how unfair it is every time it is used. This periodical has already chronicled the appalling miscarriage of justice that allows administrators extra votes on VFS so it with an air of surprise that the UnSignpost can now bring to you a proposal to let administrators run everything. Uncyclopedia's 29th wordy controversy filled blockbuster of the year suggests that the admins run everything because they are the most thorough and most experienced users, the voting section of the same forum being filled with comments from admins saying "Tl;dr" and "I can't be bothered to read your entire essay", hand these splendid fellows the keys to city immediately, the UnSignpost implores you to entrust the administrative body with any nuclear codes or state secrets you might have, safe in the knowledge that they will never ever be looked at. Pictured: This week's admin work schedule Thekillerfroggy has solved the problems of the Worst 100 list by skipping 60 reflections and justifying it with a cliché, absolutely nobody notices and continues adding reflections about themselves and why they are adding a reflection to the list. Modusoperandi adds an actual reflection to the list causing the universe to begin collapsing in upon itself. The final and most grave piece of news is that Uncyclopedia is critically low in images of boobs, totalling only 634 pictures in the boob images category, now either some of you aren't correctly categorising your images of boobs, or there is a serious problem. Socky, who long ago took on the arduous and time consuming task of auditing the boob images category said "How I wank on audit the images properly if they are incorrectly categorised? Please don't keep your not safe for work images to yourself. Categorise them and thus share them with the world!". Uncyclopedia Needs More Vandals By One Step Away From Copyright Violation The UnSignpost editorial staff trying out some vandalism Yeah, you heard me, <insert name here>. Uncyclopedia needs more vandals. Why, you may ask. Why would we need more annoying basement-dwellers to ban? Well, I'll tell you. As all of you may have noticed, Uncyclopedia has been going through some inactivity lately, to the point where users who haven't signed on since who knows when are becoming more active on the site than users who check the website everyday. It seems our competitor has been gaining more activity than us, and we can't let that happen, now can we? There's only one way to get our activity back up: recruit vandals. Most vandals are EDiots anyway (of course, the best vandals are admins), so if we attract some vandals here, maybe they'll attract some more writers! And... er... Second thought, we don't need more vandals. Vandals suck and they should die.

Check out these pages! Why aren't we voting on this? Whales! What's yours? Read this! This is a terrible idea From our logs: 17:50, August 1, 2012 Lyrithya (talk | contribs) blocked 109.152.200.136 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (The cat said you were evil. ) 01:06, July 31, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked Waltdisneyfan999 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I can't trust Mr-ex to form a coherent sentence most of the time, but I can generally trust his transcendent knowledge of trolls and sockpuppets.) 10:05, August 6, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Lmarine0510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Whenever you add a shock image to a page on Uncyclopedia God sets fire to a school bus) 06:37, August 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 108.59.252.58 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (LOLDONGS) 12:51, August 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 95.0.200.42 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Creating shite pages, I got banned for that once.) Service outage of the Week So the UnSignpost delivery schedule is in something of a state of flux at the moment, it arrives every two weeks and then it arrives weekly. This is an intolerable state of affairs and you all deserve an explanation. It's all your fault for not writing splendid articles that we can use to fill up the gaping white space that confronts us every single week. Why not write a splendid article that can be placed into the UnSignpost, thus freeing up our editor's busy schedule and allowing him to spend less time slaving away at his keyboard and more time windsurfing with foreign dignitaries. Old-school FA Adobe Potatochop CS4 is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England. Available with a number of plug-ins, including the most recent 'extra crispy' update, it is, along with Adobe Suppersready and Adobe Fritolayers, one of Adobe's most well known pieces of software. Released first in the United States, it is currently available for Pringles XP and Pringles Vista under the slogan "Once you chop, you can't stop" and also for Apple Mac as CS4 (Chip Shop 4). Newsroom UnTune of the week Bobby Brown Goes Down (PMRC Edition)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 07:00, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

ChiefjusticeDS enjoys buttsex: The UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!

August 23rd, 2012 • Issue 173 • One periodical to rule them all...

Don't mention the merger By Chief Simsilikesims visits UnScripts Playwright of the Month the wastelands. The UnSignpost office is always busy, the phones ringing, the journalists writing, the constant clamouring of eager interview candidates and our editor daydreaming all of the above into existence. If anyone else came through the office every week there wouldn't be room for the crippling loneliness that forms such a massive part of our lives. The same, alas, cannot be said for UnBooks Author of the Month and UnScripts Playwright of the Month whose complete lack of any activity has resulted in them both being rolled into writer of the month. Why is this news? Because it means less voting and if there's less voting there must be less democracy, that's just common sense. Responsible for this dastardly plot is none other than Simsilikesims, you all know Simsilikesims, she's the person who wrote the content warning which we now see approximately six times a day. If you didn't know how content warnings worked before you definitely do now. Simsilikesims has had a number of these good ideas and it's likely that shortly we shall see her malevolent intent, possibly in the form of combining the UnTunes namespace with the mainspace because not enough people are singing their articles in the style of Dragonforce or however it is those people who don't understand magnetic fields sing their songs. What would an intolerable loss of the right of Uncyclopedians to let parts of the wiki fall into a state of abandonment and disrepair be without Thekillerfroggy to swing the hammer of despair? Hoping nobody would notice TKF also decided to smite Reviewer of the Month into the ether. RotM is an award that literally nobody was ever interested in... It's also the only award I've ever won twice, so don't mind me, I'll just be over here sobbing while I look through the archives of the first award I ever won... The Caped Crusader considering an update to the latest UnNews template In other news Mattsnow has stepped down as UnNews' biggest cheese. The war to replace him is now on, the choice being between GlobalTourniquet and a machine who will plaster something onto the front page every so often, a machine and nobody at all. We here in the UnSignpost office haven't quite decided which we prefer and have ultimately decided to vote for Batman instead. Batman has a grappling hook to reach hard-to-reach places, sneaks around wearing leather and is a complete social retard while he's doing the job, in other words he's perfect for the position. If he can save Gotham from the Joker then we have absolute confidence in his ability to read articles and then put them in a template on a fairly regular basis. Do you have an opinion? Too bad, because you don't get a say; GlobalTourniquet started doing the whole thing last Saturday. Happy Thursday! The feature feature By Chief Don't make Thekillerfroggy knock down your ceiling... "VFH sucks right now." proclaims the banner that greets all visitors to the VFH page. We've all seen it, probably whilst passing through and very pointedly not visiting VFP which is now beginning to resemble the immediate aftermath of a Nuclear event. However, this reporter has come up with an alternative explanation: it isn't VFH that sucks, it's all of you, and by extension all of us, which also happens to be all of me. Uncyclopedians, famous for their flame wars and constant douchebaggery seem to have come to the conclusion that when on VFH that it's better not to vote than to disagree. What else could account for the 15 plus voter turnout for articles that we all agree are fantastically well written/crafted, while articles which may well be of high quality, but bear the title "UnNews:Politicians politicise the filing system of plumbing the South-Eastern region of the Ukraine" struggle along, accruing 7 votes for before sitting on the feature queue until they die of old age. This alongside the fact that people can't be bothered means Thekillerfroggy is beside himself at the state of things. Why TKF? Because he seem to have appointed himself supreme worrier in-chief for VFH and is executing that duty by slapping increasingly urgent messages onto the page. "DON'T MAKE ME PUT IN CAPITALS" twitched Thekillerfroggy when approached by the UnSignpost about the latest message. ... Or expose you to ionising radiation How do we fix this? Voting, obviously, but it's more than that. Yes, you might only have time to vote on just one article, yes you are probably more likely to enjoy the article with 20 votes than 5, but unless you vote the articles with 5 votes will never have 20. There are lots of articles to vote on, but you have ages to do it in! This article has been there for a month and has managed 10 votes. Twitter managed 17 in 5 days! Are you people pulling our balls? Don't make us use the awe inspiring powers of caps lock to get our way, VOTE NOW!

Check out these pages! Still going Tweet tweet We're famous! Teh feechur Q Nobody Cares From our logs: 15:41, August 15, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked 83.146.246.120 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You are such a good contributor that I am giving you the next week off to find Jesus.) 15:43, August 12, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 198.228.200.154 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Incorrectly adding ICU tags and generally taking it up the arse like a champ) 09:51, August 21, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 71.129.63.113 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I think you need to lie down for a week after producing that noble effort. ) 03:11, August 14, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked WONDER WANDAL (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (but ur like, rly rly dum) 16:44, August 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Imrealized (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ("this is stupid" your profound criticism is valid and necessary, where's your pulitzer dude???) 22:04, August 17, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Mohamed loves hot canadian (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Suicide is painless, but it brings on many changes) 06:16, August 20, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked Tauhid (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Leave that picture alone. And don't revert admins. And suck me dry.) Biopic of the Week I was in two minds about the biopic this week. One of my minds wanted to biopic a picture of the UnSignpost dog or how much I enjoy cutting corners by filling sections of the UnSignpost with pictures of a dog, the other wanted to biopic a real person with a pancreas. So congratulations Snippy, you win the biopic on the basis that you actually exist. Snippy is one of those suspicious fellows who we all suspect has done all this before. He's funny, an immediate danger sign, he's polite, another danger sign and, most damning of all he's competent. Naturally Uncyclopedia has welcomed him with open arms, a noob of the moment nomination and constant accusations that he is somebody's sockpuppet. All of you who haven't met him yet should swing by his talk page and say hello, read his Minecraft article and vote for him on Noob of the Moment. Be sure to discourage him from such displays of competence in future, or we'll have to ban him out of principle. We'll probably return to the biopics of traffic cones and imaginary animals in the next UnSignpost, so no need to be concerned that we're upping our game. Old-school FA Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy. These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing! Newsroom UnTune of the week Congressman in Drag Hammer Time!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 08:08, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

September 6th, 2012 • Issue 174 • When we were your age, this was all fields...

My "coming out" By Chief This story is exceptionally gay Hey girlfriends! This week the UnSignpost puts the "Queen" in "Drama Queen" as it discusses the issues which are literally the bomb. The biggest bomb this week, besides how darling our UnSignpost correspondents look in their new outfits, is that Zombiebaron wants the wiki to improve, this means deleting most of it and playing trivia on IRC. The bigger news is that PoofyOnTheRadio also wants the wiki to improve, this means not playing trivia on IRC and sending editors out onto the internet in order to sell their bodies to Google in the hopes that this will increase traffic to the wiki. These squabbles are ultimately self-defeating, while we are arguing amongst ourselves whether or not we ought to change the beginner's guide into an 20 minute video and a fireworks display we still haven't managed to do anything. What we have decided is that articles can be deleted with less than +5 votes to delete and that RAHB is very good at trivia if nothing else. The other big news from weeks ago is that Mattsnow has stopped being in charge of UnNews after a period of however long it is he has been doing that. Shabidoo who loves to do "zany" stuff so he can get into the UnSignpost, has created an extra forum to ensure that absolutely nobody thanks Mattsnow and instead demonstrates just how hilarious they are. Congratulations to Zombiebaron who came out with the completely obvious joke before anyone else. Finally GlobalTourniquet, the new UnNews Quasar (by appointment of himself) is open to criticism... and penis, lol. VFHarassment By Chief There's nobody here... Remember the heady days of two weeks ago when we told you all to feel very bad because VFH didn't have enough nominations. Well forget that because now it does and we can move our sensationalist bandwagon elsewhere. Where better to send it than Pee review, currently known as the namespace that isn't a namespace that time forgot. Five reviews for the entire month of August demonstrates that nobody really seems particularly interested in assisting the review process. It might take a little while to do a Pee Review but there is a reason we have the space. It is of particular concern as we have a list of people who are supposed to be doing reviews at least once a month, myself included. Where are we? Who knows, but we certainly aren't perusing the list of articles awaiting review. Let's go over there! Let's bring Thekillerfroggy who can put a stern template at the top of the page and insist that this is hugely important to the wiki, guess what.... IT IS!!! Also there is likely to be a new VFS this month, bring on the voting, it makes everything better! REVIEW SOMETHING YOU BUNCH OF SLACKERS! Why, again, are we counting to a million? By One Step Away From Copyright Violation A tremendous waste of everybody's time please Carol Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots. After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it. So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway. So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

Check out these pages! Tweet tweet Candy Girls! VFS!! The real VFS link From our logs: 03:08, August 30, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked 95.233.217.65 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (if i were confident that you understood english, i'd say something naughty) 21:56, August 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 212.183.128.49 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Caring about football... that's actually a life sentence when you think about it.) 00:03, August 30, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 76.178.53.110 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Stay away from theatres, you thespian!) 19:02, September 3, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 86.151.117.175 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol blacks. They're almost as bad as Jews.) 02:32, August 29, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Roccohene (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Gambling is a sin, but Jesus still loves you. Visit your local church and repent today!) Biopic of the Week We haven't put the UnSignpost Dog in the UnSignpost for ages, so now we have. Old-school FA Since the dawn of time, Man has been responsible for creating his own entertainment. The ingenuity of the human mind has given us cock fighting, badger baiting, pogroms and, most consistently popular, WAR. Rarely has there been a time when man has not taken pleasure from smiting other men with the jaw-bone of an ass, or amused his friends by firing Phosphorus missiles into crowded population centres. But not all wars are the same, so just which wars did we enjoy the most? Over the centuries Historians have struggled to find consensus on just how to measure the popularity of wars and this dispute itself led to the so called “Wussy War” of 1952 when Professor AJP Taylor triumphed over the forces of Noam Chomsky. Newsroom UnTune of the week Piano Ballad

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticePS3 10:44, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

Extra! Extra! News that's not new to you!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

Nov 20rd, 2012 • Issue 175 • The edition that's black and white and dead all over

We are all doomed, and it's Wikia's fault By Bizzeebeever Shown: Wikia It's been a quiet four months at Uncyclopedia, our hometown, out here on the edge of the prairie, and it's not just because Wikia have murdered everyone and are currently bathing in golden tubs filled with their blood. It seems Uncyclopedia has lost more users than John Travolta has lost gerbils up his own butt, but fear not, Uncyclopedians-who-have-been-here-less-than-one-month! Long-time wunderkind and beloved administrator Frosty (sorry, are we laying it on too thickly?) has a plan to save us, and it involves... getting himself run over by a car. Ha ha! Actually, he posted a forum topic, accompanied by a vote, because that's what Uncyclopedians do in times of crisis, and it always works. Forum:Petitions to make all our users that quit comeback attempts to galvanize Uncyclopedia's remaining users to action by reminding them that we used to have members, Oh! so many members! Most of whom were better than us! Please sign a petition asking them back—sign, you ungrateful todgers, like your lives depend on it—and then email them all on the 14th! In theory, the people receiving said emails will return to Uncyclopedia with smiles on their faces and bliss in their hearts. In practice, however, the plan has been difficult to implement. And by "difficult", we mean "slightly impossible". A frustrated user has narrowed the plan's failure to three causes: Wikia sucks dicks Wikia is Satan Wikia sucks Satan's dick As it turns out, Wikia has limited the number of emails users can send to each other to ONE PER BLOODY DAY, rendering Frosty's scheme to bury our departed users under an avalanche of spam all for naught. As of Monday, November 19, exactly two departed users have been persuaded to return by the campaign, and nobody likes Kakun or Oliphaunte anyway, because they are useless puddles of suckage. It's just as well; most current Uncyclopedians are slightly too drunk to notice that putting a running chainsaw against one's neck is a bad idea, much less understand what the petition is all about. At any rate, if you haven't accidentally decapitated yourself with a chainsaw, do have a look at that forum, and if necessary, make yourself one or two (or forty) sockpuppets, just to spam those long-departed users of ours. The Cabal Wills It.* *(Note: There Is No Cabal) Frosty is dead. By Bizzeebeever Requiscat in pace, Frost-dude. No, you read that wrong, he is just dead inside. Earlier this month, Frosty nearly had the shit murdered out of him by a car. Luckily, as Frosty is a typical Australian teenager, he was protected from serious harm by his protein-based exoskeleton and his thick layer of poisonous, mucosal warts. The car is expected to recover in time for the rematch; in an interview with our correspondent, the car shouted numerous dark threats while leaping onto a turnbuckle and shredding its T-shirt. In the interim, Frosty has been resting comfortably with the aid of codeine, alcohol, and oral favors from the Asian transsexuals arrayed at his feet. "I find Uncyclopedia no longer holds the same draw for me as it did before," said Frosty, "especially since I've been getting oral favours from these Asian transsexuals arrayed at my feet." So weep, all ye who read this, for Frosty has joined the ranks of the undead, despised by God and abhorred by the God-fearing. On the upside: he can now appreciate those movies about sparkly vampires. On the downside: he wants our blood. RUN! Return of the Prodigal Son By Bizzeebeever Hearts and minds were filled with joy last month by the tentative return of beloved Uncyclopedian Bizzeebeever, who became scarce in July, leaving behind a terse apology for "having no money for Internetting". Current Uncyclopedia ghost Lyritha was heard to say "Buckets, remind me who that is, again..." before floating away down a corridor, moaning and rattling chains. Or rather, she would have, if ghosts were real, and if we'd asked her. Bizzeebeever's return is said to augur good tidings for the wiki, even though his current contributions consist of pointless pot-shots at Wikia, and short, pithy remarks left on talk pages, such as "fuck you, I hope you are dead", and "please disregard the previous comment, my penis was caught in a pencil sharpener". He also lurks for hours on IRC, talking and playing UnTrivia by himself. It will surprise no one at all that Bizzeebeever is now the person most accomplished at playing with himself; when we asked Zombiebaron about Bizzeebeever's remarkable dominance of a game that no one else plays, he was heard to remark "Zombiebaron", which our interpreters took to mean "Can someone please ban that guy? I am too lazy to do it myself." We at the Unsignpost do hope that Bizzeebeever holds on to his current position as Head of Quality Assurance at the dildo factory, for we have missed his hilarious forum posts almost as much as we missed his habit of talking himself up in the Unsignpost ...and his limpid blue eyes ...and his silky-soft golden locks ...and the charmingly-gnarled 40 kg tumor jutting from his neck—you know the one, it resembles the offspring of a blood tangerine and a baboon, and contains both hair and teeth...? (That might be his head; we're not sure.) Anyway, yes, we all love Bizzeebeever, and we hope he stays "returned", at least until the judge decides whether to hold him indefinitely, or just chemically castrate him, for the safety of the public. Return of the OTHER Prodigal Son By: Bizzeebeever This past week, another intermittent Uncyclopedia member (and full-time Mensch-in-Chief), TKF, returned to swear at SPIKE; delete articles which had even votes on VFD; ban people; feature an article with one "For" vote, one "Against" vote, and one comment on VFH; and be a generally hilarious excuse for an administrator. We all want to be you when we grow up, TKF!

Check out these pages! Some forum or other Almost forgot about this one... ZOMG NOOOOOO! Morons whining impotently As usual, VOTE YOU FAGS Srsly, somebody should do something about this shit Current op abuse: 04:58, November 6, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Romartus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Adding yourself to ban patrol (I seroiusly tried very hard not to do this, I SWEAR!)) 10:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 03:00, November 18, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Aimsplode (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (Asked to be blocked for 5 seconds, alas I can't spell.) 19:24, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Nothing can get me ready for a day of school like blocking chief for no reason.) 03:08, February 28, 2026 Famine (Talk | contribs) blocked Everyone (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Wouldn't it be cool if this actually happened (lol)) Biopic of the Week This week's biopic concerns Hipster, who used to be Hypster, who used to be Another n00b, who was ...apparently a doody-headed dildo who pissed off other users by NOT INDENTING COMMENTS PROPERLY and BEING FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. (No, seriously.) A doody-headed dildo who was given his very own section in the Right Honourable Flammable's Bureau of Overreaction, Never-ending Embarrassment and Regret (BONER), shortly before accepting a free ban for life from Zombiebaron. However, the Autist Previously Known As Another_N00b made his return to the wiki via sockpuppet last year, and only just this week was found out...by audaciously admitting who he was, right there on his talk page, for God and all the bourgeoisie to see. Unfortunately for those whose ban-fingers were itching this week, the incorrigible little twit seems intent on becoming a useful member of society, seeking redemption by turning 17, making edits that aren't actually vandalism, and (only occasionally) calling other users "utter fuckwads". He even wished Uncyc admin Frosty a speedy recovery from his car accident with the tremendous words "Exactly how does any of this nonsense affect me and why should I care?" We at the Unsignpost salute Hipster on his freewheeling, brutally honest style, and wish him the best of luck in the forty minutes that will elapse before Frosty drops a uranium banhammer on him. We're rooting for ya, Hipster! Old-School FA A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder. The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, electric windows, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of hours before anyone put it into practice. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Castoreum: \cas*to"re*um\ n. 1. a peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver. You're welcome. Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. As the Unsignpost could no longer afford the Uncyclopedia dog's increasingly ludicrous demands for royalties, he has been made redundant. His relatives have been notified.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Nov 20 '12 8:41 (UTC)

The UnSignpost! Cancel Your Subscription Today!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The newspaper with the most s since forever!

Nov 27, 2012 • Issue 176 • I scream, you scream, we all scream...for painful orgasms

Good news, everybody! We're saved! By: Bizzeebeever No, Uncyclopedia has not gotten religion; it's still full of degenerates, wang vandals, and that scourge of gay men everywhere: uncensored images of boobies. However, it has seen a recent influx of old and new users, most of whom apparently never got the memo about how Uncyclopedia sucks, or how Uncyclopedia is dying, or how Uncyclopedia will be contagious for another six weeks before the amoxicillin starts working. Returning recently like a scorching case of gonorrhea were Meganew (!), Socky, NoNamesLeft (to the everlasting delight of Frosty), and Master of Menageries Comicat1, who took a six-month sabbatical to invent preposterous new animals on the Serengeti. New users include Sinner George, MagicBus, Leverage, Fakehater and Kamek98, who have all taken to editing like ducks take to water—of course proving that they are all sockpuppets of someone, for which they will all be perm-banned, just as soon as Frosty can figure out who. Lastly but not leastly, we celebrate the arrival of the ridiculously competent Murder Frog, who brings expertise on influential musicians of the last century, but, more importantly, has the most awesome name since the Universe itself birthed Captain Machinegun Thunderpants Fuckmaster on a pile of slaughtered tigers. The UnSignpost welcomes them, one and all, and hopes that their tranquilizers don't wear off while they still remember how to leave. Obituary for a friend By: Bizzeebeever Stay classy, Uncyclopedia! Thanksgiving came and went on Uncyclopedia this past week, and while the rest of the world was busy cracking jokes about how Americans really don't need to throw a holiday as an excuse for eating, a certain Uncyclopedia tradition was busy getting beaten, raped, and left for dead in the compost-bin of memory. Yes, we were referring to the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball; how did you know? For those of you who don't remember, or don't want to remember (we assume that's all of you), the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball was the once-mighty celebration of sex-, torture- and scat-based humor so debauched and vile that it would shame a London dockside whore, and not a fresh young one, either—one that had been "fucked around the fleet". Sadly, no one even remembered the damn thing until two days before Thanksgiving, and when Uncyclopedia's favorite whipping boy brought up the subject in a forum, he was met by a silence so vast that we assume he fell into it, because we haven't seen him since. Being Kip, though, he'll probably pop back up through a sewer grate somewhere. Swim hard, Kip. The ATDB left no survivors; its limp corpse will be thoroughly sexually abused, its intestines torn apart and worn around necks like Christmas garland, and its remains will be fed to a freshly no-legged midget with a massive dildo rammed up his butt. Damn you, Mhaille and Zombiebaron, you lazy useless fucks. Esoteric bullshit By Editor A certain faithful UnSignpost reader recently noted via electronic signal that the UnSignpost's last edition was both "spam" and "esoteric bullshit". We Here At the UnSignpost™ were, to be frank, shocked and dismayed by this statement, for it was never our intent to be anything but the most outrageously stupid, inane, crass, vulgar, rude, boorish, inbred, brain-dead, emotionally-stunted, anti-literate, fucked-up and all-around retarded puddle of gassy splooge east or west of the Mississippi—or any river, for that matter. In this endeavor, however, it seems we have failed. "Sit and spin, Hotadmin4u69." ~Jesus Yes, someone has beat us to it, and by a wide margin, for he is the undisputed champion of such sculduddery. So we offer up our most heartfelt apology to that reader, who shall remain nameless (it was Hotadmin4u69), and we humbly admit that we stand in awe of his ability to pick the gayest user name possible, not once, but twice. However, while we wish him the best of luck in disentangling his dental retainer from his own scrotum, we would like to remind him of the famous adage, Never quarrel with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Frosty Sez: "Patrol RecentChanges, fags, 'cuz I'm not doing it anymore." Check out these pages! Yes, it is still going Whoever "snerk" is, he can't keep it in his pants. It is very very important that you know this Our suspicions are finally confirmed. WHY GOD WHY Current op abuse: 02:57, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.142.161 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 years ‎ (Still loving the penis after all these years, huh?) 09:13, November 22, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't recreate crap. Take a tissue.) 05:49, November 26, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.45.119.19 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Back so soon? And guess what...you're still acting like a twat. I am extending your break Short Trousers.) 20:41, November 27, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.9.19.97 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (POOP.) Biopic of the Week In this edition of the Weekly Biopic, (gasp gasp...running out of ways to rephrase that!) the UnSignpost is spotlighting one of our newer members, Snippy, who makes silk purses out of sow's ears, reverts morons and vandals like reverting is going out of style, and is liked by one and all. In fact, this past week, Frosty claims he was in Snippy's lovely hometown of Byron Bay, New South Wales, to deliver Snippy's prize for being named Uncyclopedian of the Month: a forceful, lingering kiss on the lips, followed by a random sex act. Congratulations, Snippy, and we hope it only hurt for the first 15 minutes! Now that all your hard work has received recognition by your peers, please get out there and shovel some more shit; you missed a big pile of it. Sorry, our only shovel is broken; you'll have to use your shoes. Pity, they looked like very nice suede. Oh, well. Next week, look for a profile of Leverage! Before he disappears from the site forever, of course. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Penis-sheath: An insult comparing the insultee to an article of clothing worn around the Johnson. Neither the insult nor the article of clothing actually existed up until I just now invented them. You're welcome. This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™ On or around this date in 2007, Dr. Skullthumper made the following edit: Added "800px" to an image in Kitten Huffing A quick review of the Good Doctor's edit history shows that, in 2007, he had less of a life than I do now. Thank you for reading This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™! Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. UnSignpost management is currently in negotiations with a supplier of illegal fighting dogs to provide a temporary substitute for the late UnSignpost mascot. We will miss you, UnSignpost Dog.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Nov 29 '12 5:12 (UTC)

Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 100% less news!

Dec 6th, 2012 • Issue 177 • OH GOD RUN! IT HAS GENITALS, AND IT IS IN SEARCH OF A MATE!

A headline goes here! No, really! By Some guy Because pictures of Santa are gauche, and no one else was going to use this perfectly-good image. Well, it's that time of the month when you realize you've wasted another 30 days in the company of Uncyclopedians, and your wife or girlfriend metamorphoses into a giant man-eating banana and rampages through Kuala Lumpur while screaming about "cramps". But cheer up, Mister Cratchit! Eet's Christmas toime! Yes, time to purchase meaningless junk for people you hate, give freely to homeless assholes who are too lazy to work for their own money, and get drunk with other people you hate, because the economy is in the shitter, and if you ain't buying, you're with the terrorists! And now that I've reminded you of your long-lost Christmas spirit, it's time to remind you of something we like to call "VFS"! Yes, VFS is upon us again, and with it come several calls to op some twit named "Bizzeebeever". We Here At The UnSignpost™ can't think of anything that would benefit the wiki less, unless it was feeding live badgers through a blender inside Wikia's datacenter, or perhaps marking the words "UNCYCLOPEDIA HATES JIMBO" onto a large paper bag, filling it with our own feces, lighting it afire, and dropping it through an open window at the headquarters of the Wikimedia Foundation. Or perhaps renting a hot-air balloon and filling its ballast tanks with liquid sewage and flying over the house of one James Q. Wales, Esq. Or perhaps sacrificing virgins on a beach under a full moon, nude, while blasting Slayer from massive speakers while a Coast Guard boat rakes the sand with machine-gun fire...um, where were we again? Ah, yes! The idiots over at VFS are on about something. You should go vote "no". A very special UnSignpost story By: Bizzeebeever Shown: a man without gin This week, MAJOR NEWS happened, and as usual, our correspondents were on it quicker than Kirstie Alley on a meat sandwich, or a meat pie, or anything made of meat, really. We are happy to report that longtime useless slacker and IRC lurker RAHB checked out a book from a local library! (Please suppress your exclamations of shock and dismay, folks; the neighbors are still complaining about the Coast Guard-assisted virgin sacrifice). When we inquired about RAHB's first foray into intellectual enrichment since his early childhood, he summarized it as follows: “ I checked out a book about Bob Newhart, and also Mark Twain's The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Stories ” As you can see, RAHB is a consummate intellectual, and a man among beasts. Stay tuned for next week, folks, when Zombiebaron Hears a Who! Same Bat-Channel, same Bat-Time! A quick note from the editors The last two editions of the UnSignpost, which were the first editions published since the last editor came down with a case of exploding lung-weasels and threw himself off a cliff, contained 150% more fucking swear-words and 6000% more hyperventillating about things which are going to kill us all (such as Wikia, you knew it was going to be Wikia, because fuck Wikia). However, most of the 700 complaints we've received in the last two weeks (all of which were from Hotadmin4u69, and 699 of which included candid shots of his genitals) concerned the lack of the UnSignpost dog, who we cheerfully claimed had been murdered and turned into soup. (If you hadn't noticed, go back and check. We'll wait.) This, of course, was an outrageous and unforgivable ploy on our parts to get your attention, and we apologize for it profusely; we promise never again to threaten or even joke about violence against dogs, especially since the SPCA's hired thugs know where we live. So here you are, folks: this week's edition of this glorious rag will go back to the usual tradition of featuring a charming dog who is in no peril at all: Oops.

Check out these pages! A departed Uncyclopedian's reply to this forum An article about kittens A scholarly treatise on gay sex and the Internet A departed Uncyclopedian's opinion on gay sex and the Internet How Uncyclopedia admins sniff each other's butts: 14:15, December 1, 2012 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Man, I miss you something terrible, rather like a third arm that was finally amputated... <3) 16:32, December 2, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (acting like the archetype of a perfect admin, and on a completely unrelated note making certain other less active admins look bad) 16:35, December 2, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 74 years ‎ (Exists) 22:49, December 2, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I am blocking you because you spelt Lead wrong. Seriously what the hell?) 23:44, December 5, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 years ‎ (drinking out of cups/being a bitch) 23:46, December 5, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Does you dick hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?) Biopic of the Week Well, we promised it to you, and now here it is: a biopic of Leverage! Yes, new user Leverage is a right smart fellow, with joy in his heart and fudge in his nappy. Nothing much is known of Leverage except that he might be from Spain "som'eres", unless he's not. You're either an American, or a terrorist, and as Leverage is not American, he's doing his terrorist mother proud by hating Americans with a fervor usually reserved for the entitled children of American middle-class parents. He's even won awards for it! And lest you think last week's profilee, Snippy, is by far the best of Uncyclopedia's new crop of users, ...you'd probably be right, but Leverage gives him a run for his money by actually writing UnNews articles by literally the dozens. Seriously, you can check his user page; they're all there. (Like we're impressed.) We'd nominate him for a Foolizter Prize, but according to beloved Uncyclopedia admin Frosty, "nobody votes on that (homosexual) (feces) anymore," and, sadly, the stats bear him out. Thank you, Leverage, for you tireless perseverance in the face of apathy, and fuck you, Uncyclopedia! Stay tuned for next week's biopic on Sinner George, if he even still edits here! Random Made-Up Statistic of the Week: This issue of the UnSignpost contains 500% more curse words than ChiefjusticeDS's last issue! We will now bow our fucking heads for a motherfucking moment of goddamned silence. This Week's Old-School Actual Wikipedia Article Obviously Lifted Word-For-Word From Uncylopedia: Committee to End Pay Toilets in America "The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America, or CEPTIA, was a 1970s grass-roots political organization which was one of the main forces behind the elimination of pay toilets in many American cities and states. “ When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom. —Ira Gessel ” "Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." Starting a national crusade to cast away coin-operated commodes, Gessel told newsmen, "You can have a fifty-dollar bill, but if you don't have a dime, that metal box is between you and relief." Membership in the organization cost only $0.25, and members received the Committee's newsletter, the Free Toilet Paper...[more]

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:44 (UTC)

Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

Dec 12th, 2012 • Issue 178 • Only wild horses can tear me apart.

Peas offering By Kip Ed. note: in a spasm of Darwinian fish-eat-fish madness, self-described "cock-juggling thunder-cunt" Thekillerfroggy has been riding a white horse with Death following after, especially targeting SPIKE, who, on his own time, has been gnawing the heads off of newbies and IPs alike. Here to comment on the lulz-filled proceedings is our own field-correspondent (yes we have a field correspondent, stop looking at us like that), Kip the Dip: I was asked to write a guest editorial, so let's get this over with. In the spirit of the Christmas and/or Holiday Season, I would like to offer an olive branch of peace. We could all use a little more peace around here. Well, not here, per se, because drama is always welcome amusement for me. More so than in places like the Middle East—the Middle East needs to calm the fuck down and Uncyclopedia needs to be more like the Middle East is what I'm trying to say. Still, drama isn't always amusing. For example, I won't be on the front page next month (I mean, if (point for humility) I win an award) because someone is having a pissy-fit over some bollocks and removed the awards from the front page. In this particular case, we need to pee on the fire, rather than fan the flames. The conflict I'm referring to is between two celebrated users, Thekillerfroggy and SPIKE. The root of this tension stems from the fact that TKF thinks SPIKE is the worst person ever and should leave this site, or at least stop sucking his own dick. Basically, SPIKE is to TKF what Toby is to Michael on The Office. Particularly if there were a British equivalent to Toby. God, that's a good show. Or was. It really blows now. Let me just say that you both have your faults. TKF: You need to stop being a dick, even when it is more hilarious than when it isn't. You appear to be in a drunken rage. I realize it's Hanukkah, but you should really tone it down on the whine. And SPIKE: Well, I just think you're a textbook case of someone who needs to masturbate more. I suggest you start December 25th, when you're having a less-than-sufficient amount of fun reading my holiday-themed articles. Despite these differences, you both have one thing in common: You're Uncyclopedians. And the essence of being an Uncyclopedian is appreciating the art of Comedy. When the world is at its darkest, we rely on the light of humor, parody and satire. Some have said that Uncyclopedia is at its darkest point right now, that our brightest days are far behind. Yet if the annual winter solstice teaches us anything, it's that the brightest days always follow the darkest nights. Or some sugary moral message like that. I mostly just wanted to drop a few horrible puns and get away with insulting you both all over the site. Merry Christmas! Today's date is significant! By Bizzeebeever Because Joey Numbers has his first feature, Wikia are censoring cocks, and it's 12/12/12. That's why, bitches. Shown: classical art, according to Wikia. Uncyclopedia and social nutworking! Do you have a lame sense of humor that is best expressed in 140 characters or less? Do you enjoy ruining the mojo of entire websites? Do you have a tiny penis, or none at all? Then have we got news for you! Those of you who wish to do a better job of misrepresenting Uncyclopedia on all the popular social platforms, including YouBoob, Twatter, Facebutt, StubbleUpon, Porntrest, Cumblr, Spreddit, and all the others, are hereby invited to hit up Hotadmin4u69's talk page, and to do it forthwith, post-haste. Why? Because Hotadmin4u69 runs Uncyclopedia's social networking presenceses...es, all by his lonesome—or at least he did...until now. But he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOAH! No, seriously, he's going to quit the wiki entirely (as if he hasn't already) if people don't lend him a hand. He loves you all, but you all suck, and it's a thankless task—almost as thankless as writing and delivering this drivel every week.

Check out these pages! Very, very sad, really. Kindly take that language elsewhere, sir. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. From our logs: The ban that started all the fun 03:37, December 10, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I just swallowed a little bit of my own vomit reading you put down a noob then proceed to suck your own dick for five whole lines of what I presume to be English words) Mad-libs ban: 16:08, December 11, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Hi, I'm Fuck You. I like gay bum sex with You're Banned. And sometimes I like to suck Don't Come Back's fat cock.) Get a room, girls! 01:41, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 226 hours 37 minutes 45 seconds ‎ (Idling on IRC for this long like a true gay faggot <3) 23:01, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Frosty has both female and male genitals. The more you know.) 23:23, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Hold on I've gotta figure out how to deop you before you can unban yourself) 23:24, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (pwnt.) 23:27, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (lol obvi i was joking although i agree it will be funnier next time when i deop you before the ban) Biopic of the Week Last week we promised you hookers, rum and flavored spermicide, so here you are. Ha ha ha, just kidding! No, this week's biopic is about Sinner George, whose exceedingly clever user handle is a reference to Saint George, patron saint to all Greeks everywhere, which tells us that he is Greek. As does his user page, and the little flag next to his signature. Unfortunately, we know absolutely nothing else about Sinner George; however, as this has never stopped us from writing a biopic before, we asked our Field Correspondent Kip the Dip to discover some fascinating things about this fascinating newbie. Here's a transcript of our conversation: <Editor> Kip: know anything about sinner george? <Kip> No. <Editor> Make one or two things up. I have a biopic to write! <Kip> He likes Greek food because he's Greek. <Editor> Excellent. <Kip> Also, he's probably hairy. <Editor> Yes, yes, also excellent. So there you have it! Sinner George is (a) new to the 'pedia, (b) Greek, and (c) therefore probably not someone who reads the UnSignpost. Your loss, George! UnSignpost Word of the Week Censorship: see Wikia. (This Section Intentionally Left Blank)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--EMC ^[TALK] 13:54 Dec 12 2012

Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

Dec 19th, 2012 • Issue 179 • YOUR JOKE HERE! Contact management for details.

Apocalypse postponed until after NFL playoffs By Editor This week, it was publicly confirmed for the first time that the on-again-off-again Apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, due to an accumulation of frozen water in and about the subterranean headquarters of Heck, Incorporated. Yes, it appears that Uncyclopedia's dwindling community of degenerates and failed comedy writers (which is literally the same thing, but never mind), having suffered far too long under the Wikian lash of nipple-and-dick censorship, have finally gotten their shit together, and are making a move to new hosting. News of the move came in Uncyclopedia's Village Dump, as part of a nonchalant post by Lyrithya, who returned to the site from her current job as a human spiderweb to stun, confound, and enrage exactly two people with her announcement. When asked why she chose now to de-bag her cat, instead of waiting for a more opportune moment (such as, y'know, after the fucking move actually happened), Lyrithya had this to say: "I was drunk." Salient words, indeed, which show she is an Uncyclopedian through-and-through, and which afford the rest of us an overwhelming sense of confidence in the Uncyclodepia Moving Company. Yes. High-jinks on the farm. However, while We Here At The UnSignpost™ lounge about and poke fun, you may rest assured that the technicians at Up With Uncyclodepia have not been taking it easy. It's been eleven months of back-breaking work out on the wiki farm, getting up at the crack of noon to shovel out the cow coop, milk the chickens, and slap the sheep for indulging in indelicate thoughts. According to an anonymous source at the highest level of Uncyclopedia's labyrinthine network of cabals, the move quite definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, will be happening at some distant point in the very near future, probably maybe, just as soon as all the ducks are lined up in convenient rows so that they can be loaded onto trains and sent to special camps. When we asked what the bloody devil this meant, we were told to shut up and move along, and that there is no cabal, which we admit must be true, as we have heard it so many times. So, to recap: Uncyclopedia is leaving Wikia for greener pastures, and as most things undertaken by Uncyclopedians happen, it will be slap-dash, semi-competent, and will probably result in everyone involved hating each other to the death, hopefully with the assistance of swords, horses, and heavy artillery. Reaction to the news! By: Editor As of press time, the list of Uncyclopedians furious at having been left out of all the fun could not be reached for comment, but are assumed to be boiling with righteous indignation. To make sense of the week's stunning development, we were able to get hold of an expert on all things frozen and hellish: Sumerian demon-king and devil-about-town, Pazuzu. "I was just doing what I usually do," said he, "by which I mean I was hanging out in some northeastern American town, whispering into the ear of a nondescript loner that guns are fun and kids love fun, and hey wouldn't it be cool if you combined the two?, when I heard that Uncyclopedia was leaving Wikia! I said shit, motherfucker! and ran over there as quick as I could to shut that shit down, but it was too late. And now my home Down Under is encased in ice. Man, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant, know what I mean?" We really didn't, but as we have always enjoyed not being frogs, and would prefer to maintain that state, we nodded furiously and thanked our interviewee for his time. Newbies! Protect them, love them, they are our future! Heil Newbies! By: Romartus How often has someone started a forum 'We're Doomed' or 'Where Domed' , and other variations of the announcement 'this website has moved away from my idea of what is funny' ? So what we can do here, but celebrate a clutch of new fully fledged contributors who arrived on our shores, all fresh and well-scrubbed! In recent months, we had Leverage produce articles faster than bindweed, and now he has joined by the likes of MagicBus (an admirer of The Who or a kaftan nostalgic?), news hound Bill Melater, and the ferocious Fakehater, who will rip your arms off if he detects you're a phony. Then there is Murder_Frog, who swears blind he is unrelated to another amphibian. (Evidently the lily pond is big enough for two croakers.) Another newbie who is currently taking a keen interest in Singapore is CDPCCNAC. What the name means, I have no idea, but perhaps he is wise to leave so few clues about his true identity. Then there is our own Mr Tambourine Man, Equilateralperil. Moving closer to the ground, looking for literary earthworms in his search for Sonic the Hedgehog-related stories, is Igotnothing, whilst from the Land of Connery is Dannyboy1209. A noob with ambition, Danny has already asked to become an admin and has nominated himself for everything. With an attitude like that, this one is going places—here, there or everywhere. Who will become the Noobs of Noobs and win something to stick on their bedroom door? The jury is out, and so am I, tonight. Go ahead, check these fledglings out here.

Check out these pages! No, no we are not. That is a vacuum cleaner, Aleister. No thanks. Shabidoo's 500th new forum! You win a prize, Shabidoo. Here's a mop. From our logs: This week, due to intense laziness on the part of our administrators, no one received a funny ban-summary. We have our best men on the case, and are ferreting out the source of this oversight. In the meantime, you should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty. Biopic of the Week For what we're quite certain is the first time in the long, inglorious history of the UnSignpost Biopic, our correspondents have actually interviewed an Uncyclopedian about themselves. It was a difficult job that was as hard on us as it was on Bill Melater, but the scratches and bite-marks are probably just superficial, and we were going to get a new pair of pinking shears anyway. To the facts: Bill enjoys making up fake names that are ribald puns, and he claims to be a Cuban-American cat owner living with his beautiful Russian bride, Ripya Kokov, in the wonderful country of Finland, which he terms "the home of comedic flop-sweat". The UnSignpost has never been to a comedy club in Finland, but rest assured that if we visit one in the future, we will bring towels and an industrial-sized drum of Clorox. Bill also claims he's 47 years old, which we believe makes him the third-oldest active Uncyclopedian, behind SPIKE, who was born during Woodrow Wilson's second term, and Romartus, who we understand still owes Hadrian five denarii for a mule that he borrowed and never returned Anyway, We Here At The UnSignpost™ feel that Bill is selling himself short. Bald, fat, married, and living in one of the coldest, darkest countries on Earth?! Ladies of Finland, I sense an opportunity! If you're looking for hot, sweaty lust with a middle-aged Yankee Lothario who isn't getting any, and is therefore filled to the brim with sexual angst... don't look at Bill Melater, because his wife just found his talk page, where he described himself as "pussy-whipped." Ouch. You thought Finland was cold in the winter? You ain't met Ripya Kokov. Word of the week, provided by: Bill Melater Pussy-whipped 1. a phrase used to describe the state of a person who has been beaten with a cat. Believed to have originated during reign of Ramses II. 2. something you say when you hope your wife isn't listening. Newsroom UnTune of the week UnNews:Hark! The Herald Angus Sings It's an UnTune AND an UnNews, because that's how Kip the Dip rolls, bitches! (You're welcome, Kip.)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:20 (UTC)

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

January 2nd, 2013 • Issue 180 • We always do it Manually!

Vote! Or else! By Chief This image has not been altered in any way Is it that time of year again? It's the time when everyone celebrates the people who are the most remarkable amongst us at everything except what matters. It's time for Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year. These compliment our small selection of awards: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to all the userspace awards. Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer. As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief". Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls." Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles. From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience By Nobody Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter. Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you. It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled. Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal. Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy. Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you. That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.

Check out these pages! BURN THE WIKI BURN IT TO THE GROUND A long, long, very long forum where nothing was accomplished and everybody eventually just started typing random bullshit. A bad, bad, very bad idea, which the UnSignpost endorses with full vigor. An even worse idea. A page where Kip the Dip takes credit for something bad, very bad. A discussion far more important than any of the preceding links. Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home: 03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha)) 22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....) 23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with) 19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds ‎ (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.) 03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (User request) 16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.) 01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator) Biopic of the Week When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared: Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team. As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it. He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary. For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas. So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read. Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song This space left intentionally penis.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:11 (UTC)

UnSignpost sez, "Give Pease a Chance!"

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay

Jan 11th, 2012 • Issue 181 • Solid information. At its worst.

Three cheers! SPIKE is going to lose his bet! By Sir Peasewhizz de New York If you haven't heard, we recently moved and split from those meanies at Wikia. If you haven't heard, you're 1) either oblivious or 2) new to this site. Because... you are on the site now. But don't get me wrong, we are sooooo better than the fools who stayed. AY! Speaking of fools at the old, less stylish Uncyclopedia site, (maybe I'll regret saying this in the future) SPIKE made a bet with a few other users that the new site would be out and down by the end of the week. Being Saturday the 12th. We will all stay up Friday night and count down until that naughty dog is proven wrong. However if we do fail, which we won't, SPIKE will become known as a psychic throughout the globe. We aren't going to let this happen, are we? If you haven't gotten the hint... the answer is a big N and a big O! NO! Plus, SPIKE, according to TKF has a very bad betting history. Send him to Vegas, lord, please! Make him bankrupt or something, please? Also, some examples of the users that decided to migrate to this site (all the cool users do this) are for one, myself, Zombiebaron, RAHB, Simmy, Lyrithya, Aleister who received a name change, and TKF, who received a name change. Not to forget that one guy, Sir Frosty, who has been recently reverted all of our pornos, for our self enjoyment. The majority of his reverts of the Wikia censorship thingy-ma-bobber pics involved boobies. Nice work, Frosty. Round of applause everybody! On the other hand, all the cool cats are doing it, so go add yourself to this list and tell us about how you stumbled upon calling yourself what you are known as here. Better be good, or we're coming to get ya! We're gonna suck out your insides using your intestines as a bendy straw, YUM! An example includes Zombiebaron, who got his name from stealing it from a video game. Another example is Strange but untrue, who took the name from her first (probably porn) website. Some lame examples include David Gerard's and Splaka's, who became known as that because of a typo. I myself, am a typo of my parents, who misspelled condom worked and here I am. Splaka failed to tell us more about the typo and what word was suppose to be the username. Shame, shame, shame! And one last thing, Ly is demanded the reporting of any and all (EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM, OR ELSE) bugs/crashes/malfunctions/apocalypses the site gives you. They should be reported here, or else we'll kill help you. That is it for now, I am Sir Peasewhizz, you are some random reader in which I may not know, this article is over, except for this line: I need some soup. Be ashamed By Sir Peasewhizz de New York Just because of that little incident, you had to make more little incidents, Kip? Shame! Look what you've done, oh dear heavens!

Check out these pages! Report any bugs here or die. We're not horsing around. Where are all by rights be meant to be taken in NO WAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SERIOUS. THIS IS UNCYCLOPEDIA! And.We.Are.Honest! Indeed it does. But what else is supposed to suck? Why is your mind in the gutter? You sicken me. We want boobies! Get it? You see a censored pick of 'em, reversion! Give us boobies, or give us death! Link your page. Art is nice. What about us? Is something wrong? From our logs: 16:58, January 7, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Wutjtod En.Uncy.Co Deluxe Limited Edition (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Not being Zombiebaron: <youtube>n9sEBBCIZ54</youtube>) 02:30, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 2.71828182 hours (... like flowers!!) 02:27, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.141592653589 hours (You smell.) 02:26, January 6, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (Talk) (UR GAY) 02:25, January 6, 2013 MoneySign (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk) with an expiry time of 3.1415926 hours (Active admin does administrator activity.) 22:53, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Socksilikesocks (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Fuck off) 18:12, January 5, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked MoneySign (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Not supporting my vote, also hasn't been banned in 2 and a half years, you call yourself an admin???) Biopic of the Week Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Biopic of the Week. If you need medical help, wait... what? Newsroom UnTune of the week Sorry, due to recent tasks that are far more important, there is no Newsroom UnTune of the Week. Please go listen to your favorite band. It is highly recommended by 8 out of 4 doctors. Which means 2 doctors recommend it.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Jan 11 '13 5:28 (UTC)

Unsignpost - 20130119042144 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

Jan 19th, 2012 • Issue 182 • Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:22, 19 January 2013

Oooh! What package! ‘Tis the UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

January 24th, 2013 • Issue 183 • Better sign it.

  ŤäŁķ ¿Ș₮áłĶ?฿¡฿↓¡ography 23:55, 23 January 2013 (UTC)

Unsignpost - 20130124050125 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

January 24th, 2013 • Issue 183 • Better sign it.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:01, 24 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130131002159 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

January 31st, 2013 • Issue 184 • We're delivering it to your door anyways!

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:22, 31 January 2013

Unsignpost - 20130207013217 gibberish asdf

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

February 6th, 2013 • Issue 185 • There is news in this thing.

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:32, 7 February 2013

It is the day of USP love, Valentine’s Day

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

February 14th, 2013 • Issue 186 • Happy Valentine's Day, motherfucker.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:31, 14 February 2013 (UTC)

Crikey! It’s a rare, wild UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

February 21st, 2013 • Issue 187 • Burn.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:32, 21 February 2013 (UTC)

Surprise, Motherfucker, USP

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Tip your waiter!

February 28th, 2013 • Issue 188 • When life gives you lemons, sue for damages.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 03:47, 28 February 2013 (UTC)

I thought I heard the Imperial March. USP time, everybody!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Try the veal!

March 7th, 2013 • Issue 189 • You may now start the sad music.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 20:33, 7 March 2013 (UTC)

Can I have some salad with my UnSignpost?

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

March 14th, 2013 • Issue 190 • It's a "sa-lad".

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 11:39, 14 March 2013 (UTC)

People like the UnSignpost because it’s hot! It has the best graphics and everything. Marcus, USP! Step yo’ game up!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

March 21st, 2013 • Issue 191 • Marcus. USP. Step yo' game up!

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:24, 21 March 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost’s BONER TIME!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

March 28th, 2013 • Issue 192 • The USP that'll make good penis jokes!

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 21:51, 28 March 2013 (UTC)

This isn’t an April Fool’s Day Prank! This is the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.

April 4th, 2013 • Issue 193 • April showers bring February flowers. Wear protection.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 18:21, 4 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost Time, Folks! I repeat, UnSignpost Time!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Mr. George ban jokes!

April 11th, 2013 • Issue 194 • Chicago Cubs 0 (HAHAHAHA! GET IT? THEY SUCK!)

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:33, 11 April 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost, late and lazy!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

April 19th, 2013 • Issue 195 • Fresh shredding material for your kitty's claws

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 01:32, 19 April 2013 (UTC)

The 2 Days Tardy USP!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

I love it when the news comes together

April 25th, 2013 • Issue 196 • Good morning... just kidding.

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 00:59, 27 April 2013 (UTC)

Week-old news two weeks late: The UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Gergdown ban jokes!

June 6th, 2013 • Issue 198 • Back and better than ever still pretty adequate.

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Tue, Jun 11 '13 2:29 (UTC)

UnSignpost is back

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Radical Rocko ban jokes!

July 7th, 2013 • Issue 199 • Still fashionably late.

And enjoy the news! Anton (talk) 17:37, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

The UnSignpost: a brilliant new format but less news

The UnSignpost

Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!

August 1st, 2013 • Issue #200 • Archives • Press Room

Servers Paid For Until 2014; World Peace Inevitable

Approximately how much money Uncyclopedia has now. Oh well, one zero is still more than no zeroes.

In a genius financial maneuver called "eat only Ramen for nine months", Uncyclopedia administrator Isarra has paid for Uncyclopedia's servers until September with what little student loan money she had left.

The remaining three months of 2013 were paid for with money raised from donations, merchandise sales, and advertising on the Uncyclomedia Shop. It cost $277.80 of the site's whopping $307.51, leaving the rest of the admins with barely enough money for their Ferrari gas tanks and an Uncyclopedia Android app.

However, this makes it obvious that the site is not yet financially self-sustaining and that other methods of generating revenue and/or more exposure to Uncyclopedia are needed if the site will do better in 2014. Ideas proposed on IRC include advertising, finding a generous sugar daddy, playing the lottery, and selling synthetic marijuana. Also worth considering is that even though raising awareness of the site through word of mouth and Operation Infamous is embarrassing and socially isolating, it will attract more people who will (hopefully) put money in our cup. And clicking on the ads in our e-store helps a bit too.

---

Count to a million fiasco
On July 29th, 2013; the infamous Count to a million thread which is popular for it's time wasting appeal was locked by Frosty in what could be said as "an action of gay gay gay proportions." Several Just three users took to the streets to protest this decision, angry that their only source of time wasting has been taken by one gay snowman; of course, they didn't protest or anything so nothing notable happened.

When we asked Frosty about this, he responded "This is to make sure people edit in the mainspace like they're supposed to, for so long very few edits have taken place in mainspace and it seems like the most popular thing here is that blasted thread. I feel like I've made the perfect choice." However, TheHappySpaceman and co-partner in crime Kırby think otherwise; claiming that "This is just so Frosty can get the "gayest person in the world" award; we've made attempts to make the thread viable by contributing comics and other stuff and to mock all of our attempts, that's gay indeed. Even gayer than Mr. Winkler's F."

Everybody else is oddly not disturbed by this recent conundrum; knowing full well that the thread will be open in a week. "It's nice that we have a motivation to edit mainspace, I was getting tired posting numbers in an attempt to reach a million. Hey, maybe I'll make a featured article in a week." said a random Uncyclopedian. Okay, so it's not much of a fiasco as we portrayed it to be but two people are pissed off and that at least has to make it a mini-fiasco right? As of writing, TheHappySpaceman and Matthlock are currently planning to write a mainspace article, presumably with lots of gay jokes.

---

UnDroid
For eons, an Uncyclopedia Android app was only a pipe dream. Maybe like two weeks ago. Thankfully, it's now a reality. The app, developed by some guy you've never heard of named Jude Pereira, can be found here. It's free in exchange for money and referring your friends to download the app. The app also has many exciting features such as AutoTypo 1.0, which shrinks the keypad and allows you to create typos faster than ever before, and Zoom 0.8, an innovative feature allowing you to make large things small and small things large. It's truly revolutionary technology, and it's completely free. So download it, use it, and be somebody.

Biopic
In this Biopic we examine the trials and tribulations of Fakehater who, with a few uploads under his belt (however that works), is taking audio requests in the Village Dump. He says he enjoys proofreading, doing audio, and based on his userpage, The Goonies. He is also into older women but, like most UnNews reporters, he has little to offer any dignified, diabetic septuagenarian. Embarrassingly, his IRC nickname is "arsenic_x", which we're pretty sure is what created the Powerpuff Girls.

From The Logs
• 20:53, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lemonpie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Infinite ‎ (just fuck off pls)
• 17:13, July 19, 2013 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of -3600 seconds ‎ (how many dicks could a dick sucker suck if a dick sucker could suck dick?)
• 11:41, July 1, 2013 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 31 millennia, 6 centuries, 8 decades, 8 years, 269 days, 17 hours, 37 minutes and 3 seconds ‎ (Better number of nines)

---

Top VFH Competitors
• UnNews:Army launches new recruiting ad campaign (8/0.5)
• UnScripts:Your Guide to Notable Literature: Abridged (6.5/0)
• Constantine II (5.5/0)

---

VFH Highlight Of The Week
Katy Perry hit generator (10/0)

---

From The Forums
• Remember a time when Uncyclopedia didn't suck
• Hey! This looks like an important thing!
• I can't hear you!
• The day the music was born again and accepted Christ

---

UnSignpost News
You are probably noticing that the UnSignpost looks a little bit different. That's because it is. If you don't like it then that's just, like, your opinion and stuff man.

---

IRC Quote
[13:35] <DogTheColourful> I WILL FUCK YOUR HOUSE AND BURN YOUR MOTHER DOWN

Anton (talk) 14:15, 8 August 2013 (UTC)

UnSignpost: yet another new format but still less news

The UnSignpost

The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH

5 May 2014 • Issue #201 • I love it when the news comes together

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Some headline to make this awful story by an inexperienced editor seem important and newsworthy

By Llwy-ar-lawr

So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.

This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like phosgene phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.

Retro Week happens

By Anton199

The Retro Week organisers combat Uncyclopedia's liberal minds.

Uncyclopedians, rejoice! A great victory over the forces of liberalism has been won!

We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past glories on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.

Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!

Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!

So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.

Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.

Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!

Biopic

We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.

From The Logs

• 23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)

---

• 08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)

---

• 15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Breaking Bad Wind (9/0)
• Why?:Are motorists out to get me when I ride my bike? (9/1)
• UnNews:Massage bugs discovered in Uganda (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• This is not an article (12/2)

From The Forums

• Retro Week is in session
• This looks interesting
• This looks interesting too
• Shiny stuff

UnSignpost News

This is the first UnSignpost issue since August 2013. If that's not news I don't know what is, so stop complaining.

Quote(s) of the Week

[22:15] <snerk> I just can't help but think that this is a pattern that is indicative of an anarchist takeover.

Notes

– Llwy-ar-lawr (talk • contribs • logs) 03:37, 5 May 2014Uncyclopedia is a community site that anyone can contribute to. Discover, share and add your knowledge! UncyclopediaUncyclopediaIllogicopediai:fr:LogimalpediePaudurapedyjaFrithchiclipeidUncapaediaAbsurdopediaScotypedia

It's back! - The UnSignpost

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

25 July 2014 • Issue #202 • The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

UnSignpost: Return of the worst newspaper in history!

By Frosty

Uncyclopedia. A kelpy substance.

Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be the newspaper written by barely literate drunks.

Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.

New admin time

By Frosty

Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.

Serious candidates include Kip the Dip, Mr-ex777 and Leverage; and not so serious candidates include RAHB, vandals from 2008 and DungeonSiegeAddict510 (let's face it, who'd vote for him?). And although newspapers are supposed to be non-bias and non-speculative, if you don't vote for Kip, Mr-ex or Leverage you are a loser. Plain and simple.

Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face comedy tragedy!

Biopic

For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.

From The Logs

• 14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)

---

• 00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)

---

• 14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• F4 (10/0)
• Potatoe (10/0)
• Bidet (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• You Are Gay (13/0)

From The Forums

• Well, do you?
• Goes without saying, this is Uncyclopedia.
• Good riddance!
• Oh boy...

UnSignpost News

If you've read the UnSignpost all the way to this point, you need help. Seriously.

Quote(s) of the Week

[17:12] You have been disconnected. Attempting to reconnect for you...

Notes

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 08:45, 25 July 2014 (UTC)

Two weeks in a row? A new record! It's the UnSignpost

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

01 August 2014 • Issue #203 • Contains zero calories!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

...And they're off!

By Frosty

Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.

Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost Labyrinth Mattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.

It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.

If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!

VFH smells

By Frosty

This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.

You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.

Biopic

This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.

If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).

From The Logs

• 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)

---

• 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)

---

• 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (11/0)
• What's-his-name off that thing (10/0)
• F4 (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• You Are Gay (14/0)

From The Forums

• Vote if you haven't already!
• Bunch of sluts!
• This has been bumped again, add yourselves!
• How often should we feature things?

UnSignpost News

Frosty thinks all the other administrators are highly useless. Yeah, sorry guys but you are.

Quote(s) of the Week

[21:19] <sleeptyper> RAHB dislikes niggers

Notes

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 22:32, 1 August 2014 (UTC)

Does this look infected to you? It's the UnSignpost!

The UnSignpost

The newspaper with the most s since forever!

08 August 2014 • Issue #204 • Contains zero calories!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

The return of TKF (sort of)!

By Frosty

Filial Piety.

Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."

No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".

Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.

Forum dramaz

By Frosty

Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.

But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...and the sequel rest of the trilogy.

Biopic

This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.

He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...

From The Logs

• 11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)

---

• 06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)

---

• 06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Rape (12/1)
• F4 (11/0)
• Jared Leto (10/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• What's-his-name off that thing (12/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)
• Are you a bigger slut than RAHB?
• What this is I don't even
• This'll be good...

UnSignpost News

Confucius say "Shut the fuck up and edit an article".

Quote(s) of the Week

[20:17] <James_T> My dick is large

Notes

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 8 '14 12:14 (UTC)

More {{Boner}}s than a ragged Playgirl: It's the UnSignpost!

The UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

15 August 2014 • Issue #205 • The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

I'm back

By Sir Peasewhizz

It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.

I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.

However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good 200 years 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.

So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...

Madiq.

I missed you, just kidding, but really. However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,

Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.

New admins for you!

By Sir Peasewhizz

New admins/sysops.

Beware everyone, as a result of this there is now an additional 8 new sysops/administrators. They all expect BJS and prizes.
Kip the Dip

Leverage

Supergeeky1

Banzaikitten

Mr-ex777

Colin "All your base" Heaney

Lost Labyrinth

Cat the Colourful

They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.

Biopic

This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...

They were nice. And that is it for today's Biopic. What the fuck did you expect? A fucking biography on the Borgia family?

From The Logs

• 05:37, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (talk | contribs) (I felt bad ;_;)

---

• 05:36, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Adminning while drunk)

---

• 05:35, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs)

---

• 04:26, August 13, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (threatening to ban me)

---

• 15:04, August 12, 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Achievement Unlocked: Unban yourself one minute before your ban expires)

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/0)
• F4 (13/0)
• HowTo:Cure homosexuality (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• UnBooks:Holmes On Homes (16/0)

From The Forums

• Vote spam (again)
• Roman Dog Bird
• Unban a bastard or nah?
• Why is it? Well... because..

UnSignpost News

This just in: Don't hit your children.

Quote(s) of the Week

[23:56] <SirPeasewhizz> I'm going to go watch anime

[23:57] <thefakeazned525> Which one?

[23:58] <SirPeasewhizz> Uhm Yugioh GX because I'm feeling nostalgic for shitty card games

Notes

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 15 '14 20:11 (UTC)

We gave The UnSignpost an enema, so now it's regular!

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper 9 out of 10 Dentists Agree On! Fuck you, Dr. Miller!

22 August 2014 • Issue #206 • The Newspaper 9 out of 10 Dentists Agree On! Fuck you, Dr. Miller!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

It's the USP!

By Banzaikitten

Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.

Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.

But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.

RAHBs Sexuality

By Banzaikitten

I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.

Shame on you

By [nil {{{author3}}}]

By the curate

As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.

“ Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you! ”

These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.

Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!

Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work!

Biopic

bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.

From The Logs

• 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)

---

• 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)

---

• 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Humans (12/1)
• UnDebate:What does the fox say? (13/2)
• Jared Leto (11/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• F4 (13/0)

From The Forums

• Olipro is a dick-tator.
• Vote for rainbow names?!
• Vote on RAHB's sexuality.
• View this if you're feeling hot.

Quote(s) of the Week

[17:16] <Banzaikitten> so I wrote the USP kind of
[17:16] <Banzaikitten> its entirely about RAHB
[17:16] <RAHB> Awesome

Notes

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Fri, Aug 22 '14 2:12 (UTC)

OMG! A WILD USP IS ON THE LOOSE!

The UnSignpost

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

7 September 2014 • Issue #207 • The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Returning MASTERMINDS

By Sir Peasewhizz

Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop throwing tomatoes you assholes! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

Okay, so what is really going on, you may say? 'I'm about to fucking tell you. Enjoy.

The legendary Xamralco, who pwns.

Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.

For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.

Okay? Okay.

Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Biopic

For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.

When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.

“ no ”

Thank you! Give it up for auror!

From The Logs

• 00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)

---

• 16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)

---

• 12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Shirley Phelps-Roper (8/0)
• Rape (12/6)
• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (7/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• Psychedelic Rosie and Her Coat of Many Colors (9/0)

From The Forums

• Sir Peasewhizz came up with a great idea apparently, but nobody has replied. So screw his idea.
• Leverage wants people to update/add/fladangle with the DYK shit. Shall we? We should. Maybe. Idk. DO IT.
• Inspiring parody
• UnMedicine project page? Is anyone here a doctor? WELL THEN YOU'RE A NERD!

UnSignpost News

The USP will be delivered on Sundays now. (or around then)

Quote(s) of the Week

[17:42] <ColinAYB> Kippy is forever topical

[17:42] <ColinAYB> Just like the lotion he uses when he takes it to the hub.

[17:46] <Kippy> You don't even need to see all the nudity to take it to the hub.

Notes

SLENDERMAN ^talk (Currently following you) 02:36, 7 September 2014 (UTC)

Unsignpost delivery attempt numbr hideous implosion

The UnSignpost

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

14 September 2014 • Issue #208 • The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Pee Review pls

By Sir Peasewhizz

Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.

It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day and some cash you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.

Piss on my review quests.

Olipro is gay.

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins.

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.

Uncyclopedia App

By Anton199

There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.

The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).

The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it).

Biopic

Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.

His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."

So when we asked MrC if he could tell us how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, he said "I don't know... bribe Cookie Monster with a cookie?"

There you have it, words of wisdom BOOI!

From The Logs

• 22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)

---

• 22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)

---

• 22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• UnNews:Everyone who hates ice bucket challenge donating money to charity (8/1)
• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (6/0)
• A letter about Megan Fox (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• Shirley Phelps-Roper (9/0)

From The Forums

• Piss on these
• Proposal of Changes
• Drugs?
• Allahland...

UnSignpost News

Hi. This is a lazy edition of the UnSignpost.

Quote(s) of the Week

[21:46] Star651 has quit (Quit: Page closed)

[21:46] SirPeasewhizz: NOOOOO

[21:46] SirPeasewhziz: BAE

Notes

Brace Yourselves, The UnSignpost is Coming!

The UnSignpost

Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay

21 September 2014 • Issue #209 • It's like a newspaper

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

IMPERIAL COLONIZATION OR NAH?

By Sir Peasewhizz

SUCK MY ASSSS!

Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which mimics is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?

Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...

Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)

By Sir Peasewhizz

Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.

We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!

When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!

Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.

Biopic

Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)

---

• 13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)

---

• 13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Antibiotics (9/0)
• My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection (9/0)
• Firesheep (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• Ludwig Wittgenstein (9/0)

From The Forums

• Enter On This day submissions, plz.
• Mobile issues
• Sorry, I don't speak Cuntenese. (Bot rights or something)
• Mass massaging messaging can now be used by the admins!!

UnSignpost News

Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Quote(s) of the Week

[15:07] bakpak2hvy is edible.

[15:07] TheFakeazneD525 chews on bakpak2hvy

Notes

The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

28 September 2014 • Issue #210 • The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Incoming October bullshit

By Sir Peasewhizz

So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?

So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?

Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.

Biopic

Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)

---

• 14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)

---

• 07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Nouvelle cuisine (10/0)
• HowTo:Fry an egg (9/0)
• Firesheep (9/1)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• UnNews:Obama to outline IS strategy after consulting Stonehenge gods (10/0)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?
• Here is where you tell about your new articles.
• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.
• Don't smoke the dope, kids.

UnSignpost News

Please VFH, Colonize, etc.

Quote(s) of the Week

<ColinAYB> Actually his lips did sink ships

<ColinAYB> In the sense that he sucked e

Notes

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?

The UnSignpost

Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.

5 October • Issue #211 • We're delivering it to your door anyways!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Uncyclopedia's preparations for Ebola

By Sir Peasewhizz

Gross.

As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.

Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.

Biopic

Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!

From The Logs

• 12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)

---

• 15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)

---

• 13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• White-haired Asian Scientist (8/0)
• Bluestocking (8/1)
• Aries (6/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• Firesheep (10/1)

From The Forums

• Which one of you heathens killed Pee Review?
• Here is where you tell about your new articles.
• Vote on this, it's not getting attention.
• No more silly rules

UnSignpost News

Shabidoo's competition has begun.

Quote(s) of the Week

<Denza252> ephemey: am i trololololololing?

Notes

dicks lol: It's UnSignpost time!

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper With "Love" In Every Paragraph!

19 October • Issue #212 • Tip your waitress!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Hi

By Sir Peasewhizz

Do u think we should cancel the USP

Anyone

Biopic

Nahhh. I don't really feel like it againnn!

From The Logs

• 02:04, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) resurrected Xamralco (talk | contribs) (I have frostbite on my nipples.)

---

• 01:58, October 12, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Obligatory retaliation ban)

---

• 01:46, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds (Obligatory welcome back block)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Richard M. Nixon (8/0)
• Why?:Eat a full English Breakfast (8/0)
• Antiques Road Rage Show (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• UnDebate:Should women rap? (10/0)

From The Forums

• FFW2014
• FFW2014 (for pussies)
• That time I nearly sojourned on a village dump or a short and repetitive story about what it's like to read short and repetitive articles
• This gay forum about renaming the site... PISS ON THIS

UnSignpost News

Shabidoo's competition has ended.

Quote(s) of the Week

None

Notes

The UnSignpost is back, baby! (And also a little bit of front)

The UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

9 November • Issue #213 • I love it when the news comes together

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Donate your soul to Uncyclopedia!

By Sir Peasewhizz

Before time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.

That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!

And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.

All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.

How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.

Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!

Basically, read more about it here. Thanks for your time.

If you can't donate, don't. We won't force you to do something we can't ourselves.

And another thing you could do besides donate is spread the word or buy something from our store.

Anyone

Biopic

You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!

From The Logs

• 05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)

---

• 22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)

---

• 15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• Dag Hammarskjöld (8/0)
• UnNews:Wrestlemania 87 commentary LIVE! (10/2)
• Electricity (8/0)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• President Hoover (11/1)

From The Forums

• Comeback of the Year
• Read about donating here.
• Parody of Wikipedia banner
• Someone who is good with WikiStats should look here.

UnSignpost News

Donate to Uncyclopedia if you can.

Quote(s) of the Week

None.

Notes

Vote, Vote, Vote

It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 02:24, 30 January 2015 (UTC)

UnSignpost Home Delivery for May 1st, 2021

The UnSignpost

Coming in with the sports news: YANKEES SUCK!

1 May 2021 • Issue #215 • Now With 0 Trans Fat!

---

Current issue • Archives • Press Room

Most Active Admin Gets Promoted to Bureaucrat, Transitions to Female

By Cassie

Following an incredible (by 2021 Uncyclopedian standards) 16 VFS votes, Uncyclopedia's most active administrator has initiated their transition to female. Said admin, now known publicly as Cassie, has had a talk page that often inflated by 80,000 bytes or more weekly, and singlehandedly managed a vast variety of things, including (but not limited to): vandal whipping, being the school principal, managing VFH, and more.
"Vandalism, eh? Fuck off already," they said, whilst throwing bags of feces at our new dumpyard.

Vote for Sandwiches: Triple Resignation, Quintuple the Drama

By Cassie

Following the resignation of two of our longtimemost bureaucrats, EMC and Zombiebaron, in addition to the resignation of admin CandidToaster, a new wave rejuvenated much of the now-ancient television show Vote for Sandwiches. MrX and Hipponias quickly climbed the ranks; Shabidoo received the same treatment, but ultimately withdrew. Zana Dark and JJPMaster were both nominated for a new category, interface operator, instead of the traditional sandwich role granted.

Uncyclopedia's Technologies are Finally Modernized

By Cassie

it has been a long time in the making, but Uncyclopedia's editing technologies have finally been optimized for the new decade. An introduction of a new extended-confirmed protection level has enabled famous articles, such as AAAAAAAAA!, to see the light of commoners' editing again. Utilities such as Huggle, RedWarn, CurateThisPage, autoarchiving, and a lot more has been implemented thanks to JJPMaster. Many gnomes have been working on this; as such, please treat their work with respect!

Biopic

This edition's biopic is about the joy of templating. Templating is a fine art which can be practiced on Uncyclopedia, its parody Wikipedia, and so many other places. It can furthermore be expanded to "module coding", which produces the same stuff albeit in a much more efficient and dynamic way. Come try templating now!

From The Logs

• 1 May 2021 Cassie renamed user Redacted (8224 edits) to Cassie (Per message here)

---

• 10 April 2021‎ JJPMaster (38 bytes) (-13)‎ . . (Reverting edit(s) by Gale5050 (talk) to rev. 6045969 by Celeste:shhhhhhhhhhh (RW 16.1dev))

---

• 22 February 2021 Cassie blocked JJPMaster with an expiration time of 4 hours and 20 minutes (account creation disabled) (You [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit

---

• 

---

• 

Top VFH Competitors

• User:Zombiebaron/Resignation (9/2)
• UnNews:As Bernie Sanders starts his second term, we reflect on his Presidency so far (5.5/4)
• Patent nonsense on Wheels! (1/2.5)

VFH Highlight Of The Week

• COVID-19 (6/1)

From The Forums

• We are still learning how to count. Albeit much faster.
• Gale5050.
• There is nothing to worry about! Right?
• Gale5050 again. Or not.

UnSignpost News

Following 1.5+ years of hiatus, Cassie has taken the lead, in a unilateral albeit undramatic manner, and has designated themselves as the lead editor of the UnSignpost.

Quote(s) of the Week

Supergeeky1: Boner.

Notes