User talk:Guildensternenstein
Archives[edit source]
- Archive 1: 17 January 2009 - 7 May 2009
- Archive 2: 7 May 2009 - 26 May 2009
- Archive 3: 26 May 2009 - 11 July 2009
- Archive 4: 11 July 2009 - 18 August 2009
- Archive 5: 18 August 2009 - 20 January 2010
- Archive 6: 20 January 2010 - 15 September 2010
Fun fact[edit source]
You can't spell "Guildensternenstein" without "needier nestling nuts". 
pillow talk 22:44, September 15, 2010 (UTC)
- Stop being such a hyper bully, Hyperbole. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:54, September 16, 2010 (UTC)
Neon Genesis Evangelion[edit source]
Since we both expressed that we like the series, and the current NGE article is a steaming pile of crap, is it possible we could do a rewrite collab? I know you're not much of a collaborator, and probably busy with your next wonderful, hilarious feature, but it seems like an entertaining project to me, and since I suck, I want somebody else to collaborate on it with me. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 22:03, September 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Hmm, I've thought about rewriting the NGE article, but the only problem is I don't have much of an angle to do it from. The only thing that comes to mind is perhaps doing something to the effect of "Neon Genesis Evangelion, despite the misgivings of non-otaku and skeptical girlfriends, is the single greatest contribution to human culture ever," or something like that. I dunno, though, we'll see, but it won't be for a while because I'm mad busy this next week. My anniversary is tomorrow, my girlfriend's birthday is Tuesday, I've got a paper due at the end of the week, and I still signed up to review Ape's article, so I should probably squeeze that in at some point, too. But yeah, basically, we'll see. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:09, September 19, 2010 (UTC)
- Nah, it's alright, maybe I'll manage it tonight or something. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:28, September 19, 2010 (UTC)
- Also, like I said, we'll see about the NGE collab. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:30, September 19, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll be brainstorming. Do the Colts look fucking amazing or what? ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 01:44, September 20, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm looking at the stats now. Holy shit. I missed quite the game, apparently. I spent the evening out with my girlfriend, so I missed out on Manning Bowl II. The Colts actually ran the fucking ball, too--I can't even remember the last time they had over 100 yards on the ground was. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:42, September 20, 2010 (UTC)
- Women. It's football season, son of a bitch. Actually, I think Manning threw his 400th. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 04:00, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- I missed that too? Damn. Well, at least I've got Colts-Patriots to look forward to. Those games are consistently excellent. The one last year was the greatest game of regular season football I've ever seen, in my opinion. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:20, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- Yeah, that was crazy. I remember being so overwhelmingly elated that I destroyed the backyard. But in my opinion, it was only the 2nd best game of the season. Remember the Browns and the Lions? Holy fucking SHIT. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 20:22, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- Also happy birthday to your girlfriend. I'm having a birthday of my own on Thursday- and the possibility of going to a Gorillaz concert has been brought up. My fingers are crossed. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 20:25, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- I missed that too? Damn. Well, at least I've got Colts-Patriots to look forward to. Those games are consistently excellent. The one last year was the greatest game of regular season football I've ever seen, in my opinion. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:20, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- Women. It's football season, son of a bitch. Actually, I think Manning threw his 400th. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 04:00, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm looking at the stats now. Holy shit. I missed quite the game, apparently. I spent the evening out with my girlfriend, so I missed out on Manning Bowl II. The Colts actually ran the fucking ball, too--I can't even remember the last time they had over 100 yards on the ground was. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:42, September 20, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll be brainstorming. Do the Colts look fucking amazing or what? ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 01:44, September 20, 2010 (UTC)
- If it helps, I like the series too, so maybe I can help when you guys start your rewrite. —Sir Socky
(talk) (stalk)
GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 19:17, 15 January 2011
- Hmm, more like if we get started, which is a pretty big if at this point. Your help would be appreciated, though. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:19, January 15, 2011 (UTC)
Take the dance![edit source]
You know you want it!
Ok, bye! Beam me up Scotty. Dancing dude 
So far[edit source]
You are winning the general knowledge category. Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 22:40, Sep 30 2010 UTC
- Yes, I see that. I know for a fact I'm not going to have anything close to the amount of time needed to finish that up, either, so hopefully my 1/6th completed article wins the day. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:46, September 30, 2010 (UTC)
Award from UN:REQ[edit source]
 |
This user created User:Guildensternenstein/Buffalo, New York, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested articles. You're welcome! |
Well, seeing as that article of mine is nowhere near completion, I'd say this award is a bit premature. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:42, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Why dontcha finish it, then? It'll be epic. ~
*shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101018 - 03:49 (UTC)
- I intend to, I'm just been really super busy lately. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:46, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
- Curse business! Curse it! ~ *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101018 - 15:06 (UTC)
- Curse business! Curse it! ~
- I intend to, I'm just been really super busy lately. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:46, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
KKK[edit source]
I see you are having a problem with particular unwanted contributor (burning crosses all round?) but I am not sure about the use of the lynch photo in the article. It deflects from the basic joke and reminds everyone that these guys were (and are) no laughing matter. If it was a scene from a film like Blazin' Saddles, that would be different. Just a suggestion. --
RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 15:02, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
- Yeah, I suppose--I'll consider that. I haven't really touched that article since I wrote it last year, though, aside from reverting that contributor in question. Perhaps I'll revisit it again soon, and see what I can do. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:18, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
- I have found some pix. I'll upload them. --
RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 15:24, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
- Hah, thank you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:31, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
- I have found some pix. I'll upload them. --
Upsilon Sigma Sigma October Newsletter[edit source]
Ok guys, my bad. I was gone for a long time there. I found some free time recently so I'm hoping to get Upsilon Sigma Sigma started up again along with my other project, UnReviews.
At any rate, We're going to keep Weird, the August collaboration open. We're also going to go ahead and open up a November collaboration. The article on the queue that has the most votes is "Blockbuster" so that's the one we're going to do. You can find the collaboration page here. I'm probably going to disappear again because of school in a few weeks, so hopefully we can build up enough momentum here to keep our collaborations going. If you haven't noticed our previous collaborations have been huge hits, all have been featured on the front page. Hopefully "Weird" and "Blockbuster" will too in their own due time.
Looking forward to seeing you guys around the frat!
P.S. we have a FBotM nomination this month, make sure you go vote!
Founder -- 
CUN RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 2104 EST 22 Oct, 2010
Sincere SPECIAL thanks[edit source]
- Hi Guildy, Of all the votes, yours was the best!--Funnybony
14:35, Nov 1
- Why thank you--you deserved it, after all. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:55, November 1, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost - The UnSignpost Rides Again![edit source]
83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
Nov 11th, 2010 • Issue 94 • The Newspaper that shaves you closer!
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The UnSignpost Rides Again!
 A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, the Rebels attained victory over the Imperial Empire and the last UnSignpost flopped onto talk pages. The drought came as Under user announced that he had a life to be getting on with, and at that point the UnSignpost simply stopped writing itself. Some people have suggested that these two events may be linked somehow, but until we see proof, we have resolved to live in ignorance. However as we hurtle towards the end of the year it would seem the magic has returned and the newspaper that confusingly contains neither news or paper will once again be arriving on talk pages Newer recipients of the UnSignpost are urged to suggest ideas for stories in the press room; this helps as it means we don't need to pay attention to anything you people do every day. For now, please welcome the UnSignpost back into your homes and hearts... please? Speak up!
 Competition founder MadMax was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, so we have made something up instead: "The competition was a great success and I would like to thank everyone who took part; especially ChiefjusticeDS who is absolutely fantastic and whom I owe many drinks", he might have said. The Article Whisperer is expected to take place again next year, and MadMax might have said "Take part or die", but probably not.  The Aristocrat's Few competitions stir the loins more than The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, self described as Uncyclopedia's festival of frivolity and bad taste. The competition has three categories:
If you aren't a writer (we are led to believe some people are not), then 3 Judges are needed for each of the above categories (see here). Seriously, this will be so much fun you will wish we did it twice a year... maybe. The competition opens on November 19th, so put on a stout pair of writing trousers and get going! |
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Symphony in Z Minor[edit source]
Yo, Rosencrantzenstein, are you ever going to do that review you booked? Now I'm not in any kind of rush for a review and appreciate that you're probably rather busy, but if you haven't made any notes or anything am I ok to strike your comments? Just in the hopes that someone else picks it up. --Black Flamingo 22:23, November 11, 2010 (UTC)
- Yeah, I'm quite sorry about that--I had midterm stuff the week during and after I booked that, and now I have a half-dozen finals essays to worry about, so I've been preemptively working on some of those. Feel free to strike my booking so someone else can take a stab at it, but if I get a chance to do it and no one else has yet, I'll gladly write a review. Sorry again for the inconvience Flamingo. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:18, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
- It's no inconvenience, I thought you'd probably be busy with school. I'll strike your booking, but of course feel free to pick it up again if you get time. Good luck with the essays. --Black Flamingo 08:03, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
- Thanks. Good luck with your article. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:20, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
- Half a dozen finals essays! Yikes. Maybe you could give a few of us one of them apiece and we could help you out. I, in fact, am an expert on the culinary habits of the eastern Peruvian llama, so if one of the essays happens to be in that field, I'm your man. Lots of esssays though! Luck and fair winds. Aleister 21:23 12 11
- No, not quite, haha. Thank you for the offer, though, I appreciate it, and thanks for the wish of luck. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:08, November 13, 2010 (UTC)
- Half a dozen finals essays! Yikes. Maybe you could give a few of us one of them apiece and we could help you out. I, in fact, am an expert on the culinary habits of the eastern Peruvian llama, so if one of the essays happens to be in that field, I'm your man. Lots of esssays though! Luck and fair winds. Aleister 21:23 12 11
- Thanks. Good luck with your article. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:20, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
- It's no inconvenience, I thought you'd probably be busy with school. I'll strike your booking, but of course feel free to pick it up again if you get time. Good luck with the essays. --Black Flamingo 08:03, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
Ta[edit source]
Your turn next, I suspect
- Thank you, Sog. And do you suspect I'm next for the 40 club, or for electro-convulsive aversion therapy? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:18, November 15, 2010 (UTC)
Your wish[edit source]
...is my command. -- Sir Mhaille 
(talk to me)
- Hah, excellent, I will change my vote to a more strong For, then. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:04, November 18, 2010 (UTC)
Read All About It![edit source]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
Nov 18th, 2010 • Issue 95 • The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way she/he did!
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Wanna cyb3r?
 Hailed by some as the final solution to the Uncyclopedia problem and others as a wretched hive of scum and villainy, the Uncyclopedia IRC channel has chugged along for almost the same amount of time Uncyclopedia itself has. We here at the UnSignpost have literally hundreds of stories to sort through every week and we have picked IRC for a reason, and not just because it is easy to spell. We chose it because the Uncyclopedia IRC is a community and often contains users who are never on the site (because they are lazy and idle), equally many users who frequent the site do not enter IRC (because they are idle and lazy), and those who do often prefer to do so in disguise. This is a disgrace, don't ask why, it just is. Our intrepid reporters have spent literally minutes on IRC this week in order to bring news of it to you, the uneducated and unwashed masses and to try and encourage you to make use of it. Whatever you want to use it for: reporting vandals, penis jokes, collaboration, penis jokes and incoherent babbling; IRC is there for you. It is also a way to get to know the dull uninteresting personalities behind the exciting usernames, but don't let that put you off. When our intrepid reporter delved into the IRC community and asked the first person breathing in and out for a quote about IRC they told us "..." which should certainly give you food for thought. If you have some time on your hands then why not learn how to windsurf? But if you are too idle and lazy then why not head on over to IRC and see the magic happening for yourself? I would and if I would it must be a good idea. Balls up!
The stage is seated, the judges are set and the competitors are questionable in number, yes The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball is almost upon us. The competition opens this Friday and entries will be accepted until December the 3rd which is... a little while after that. Our hard-hitting journalists will be present at the competition and will be speaking to entrants and judges alike over the next few weeks. Just think; if you take part your name could be in italic font in the UnSignpost! Think about how envious your friends and family will be! Remember, it begins on the 19th of November and we want to see blood! We need you!
 The UnSignpost is like an office printer, in that it constantly breaks down, sometimes doesn't work for months at a time and occasionally spews out some slightly smudged pages. If you think you have something to bring to the UnSignpost be it your journalistic talent, ideas for stories or even just a warm and reassuring slap in the face, feel free to drop us a line in the press room. Also Meganew wanted us to mention the Grue Army in the UnSignpost, so we have. |
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--ChiefjusticeGameCube 14:28, November 18, 2010 (UTC)
The article on the character classes...[edit source]
Hi, I was just wondering if you could get back the original version on the character classes - sorry I even forgot the name of the article - where you have the shining commercial white dude as the first and best class (caucasian, ancient bloodline... I loved that) ... I would put the original version into my userspace, to link to another article. That is, if you remember when you cahnged it and so on. -- Style 
Guide 15:04, November 18, 2010 (UTC)
Run for your lives! It's another UnSignpost.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
Nov 25th, 2010 • Issue 96 • Putting the period in periodical!
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Jimbo, Whales & The Worst 100
 Those of you who regularly sit and stare at recent changes may well have seen a lot of tomfoolery with the site notice this week (that banner at the top which you dismissed two seconds after logging in). The reason for this is that somebody noticed that we are supposed to be a parody of Wikipedia and suggested we come up with something to parody Jimbo Wales' appeal. Zombiebaron duly obliged, then Lyrithya obliged too, then Olipro edited some code and the site notice you see today, or don't see, as the case may be, was created. Well done, them. Honestly, we have nothing bad to say about it. Except that I hate it as I do most things that come about through a process of honest endeavour. For those of you who didn't know, Jimbo does have an account on Uncyclopedia, an account he never uses, in rather the same way that I have a membership to a gym; I need one to be cool and so I have somewhere to hide when the black helicopters inevitably come for me. Jimbo is of course the co-founder of Wikia, which is rather like having helped build the Death Star except with less space and more super-lasers capable of destroying planets. Unfortunately, we haven't written a parody of the appeal yet. Well, we have, it just isn't very good. The team at the UnSignpost read both and after the laughter had died down we had a look at the Uncyclopedia one.... yeah.... but have our assurance, Uncyclopedia is working on improving it, and how could you doubt the people who brought you classics like Fisher Price and AAAAAAAAA!? The other item of news we have this week is that the reflections on this year are woefully lacking. Hurtling as we are towards the new year and the annual Cabal broadcast, you may want to consider adding an entry to the list in order that the administrators can sleep soundly at night. We refuse to believe that nothing of note has happened over the last couple of months because we've been here and can attest that something has happened every day. So get over there and do the editing, we'll be right behind you. Voting heats up
 The "of the Month" awards are in something of a state of flux at the moment as voters and nominators become increasingly unwilling to vote (or care) in some cases and more willing in others. "It's a sad indictment of the way we live," lamented Socky when our reporter spoke to him, though he did say some other things once we asked him some questions. This month on the Uncyclopedian of the Month award, Lyrithya has stormed ahead of competition, running up 16 votes at the time of going to press; we would say she was miles ahead of her opposition, but since she nominated both of them and voted for one of them we don't think she deserves it. When asked to comment, Lyrithya had this to say: "I hate you all". Meanwhile over on Writer of the Month, Romartus leads SPIKE by 7 votes. Neither of them were available to provide us with a quote, probably because we forgot to ask, but we took some of the things they said on the award page and through creative journalism summed up their thoughts: "This... is... my... award" is what Romartus said, though he may have said those words in a different order... and as part of different sentences. SPIKE just said "Yay," which was lovely. Things are far more exciting over on Noob of the Month where mega-noob rcmurphy and regular noob Putthatknifedown are neck and neck with 5 votes each. Things are of course far less exciting in the land of the other awards: Author of the Month is a gripping contest as gentile Uncyclopedian and former UnSignpost editor Under user trudges towards the finish line arm in arm with gentile Uncyclopedian and former UnSignpost editor Mhaille (he wrote a couple of lines for us once and they were amazing). Potatochopper of the month is also a rather subdued affair with nobody getting any votes, despite two people being nominated. Finally Reviewer of the Month has no nominations and thus, surprisingly, no votes so far this month.  Why is this? We at the UnSignpost asked Uncyclopedia's dictator in-chief Mordillo what he thought; he agreed to consider the question after a stiff drink. We can only assume it was a strong one as we didn't hear back from him for 3 days. When he came back, he declared, "Uncyclopedia - UNITE! GO OUT TO THE STREETS AND DEMAND MORE BLONDES FOR ALL! MORE WELL SHAPED BLONDES FOR ALL! MORE THREESOMES WITH JEWS! and vote for NotM and RotM right? Trust us, we are the cabal, we know best". As Mordillo was being sedated, Socky bravely stepped in to fill his trousers and surprised everyone by saying "My thoughts on awards are that we should have a lot more of them and we should be a lot less serious about them. We could be having fun instead of worrying about drama. Voting will only lead to good results when not subjugated to logic." Socky went on to lay down his plans for ruling Uncyclopedia and restoring Germany to a dominant position in Europe; he left our interview early to annex Czechoslovakia, so There is a point here, does Uncyclopedia need more awards? Or does it just need more contributors? All we know for sure is that you need to start voting NOW! Or tomorrow if you're a bit busy at the moment. Chief learns Latin; talks about lorums
See {{lorum}} for a full transcript of his Latin writings. |
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~ 
*shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101125 - 01:03 (UTC)
The 6th Seed[edit source]
Hey Guildy, I'm hoping to help cement you into that 6th seed this weekend in FFootball. It would be nice to have a good manager in that spot to take the evil Philly Cheddar empire out in the first round of the playoffs ;-). Assuming you get this message before T-day kickoff: I'm so loathe to start people on Thursday football games yet I have Woodhead and Welker on my roster. I COULD bench one of them and plug in Crabtree but there's an opposing sentiment that if Crabtree manages to do better than either of the little Patriots, it won't be by much. I'm worried about a quick New England blowout resulting in kill-the-clock playcalling and lots of Jarvis Green Ellis. Any input? As of now, it looks like I'm sticking with the NE mighty mites.-- 07:06, November 25, 2010 (UTC)
Don't you love the smell of the UnSignpost in the morning?[edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
Dec 2nd, 2010 • Issue 97 • STOP! UnSignpost time!
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UFFL Week 12 Update
 Now that it is so far into the season that everyone not involved with the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League, as well as many that are involved, could not possibly care, what better time for an update? After eleven gruelling weeks, it seems that on top is the one and only Doritians, Take II, with an impressive W-L-T of 9-2-0 and a current six-game win-streak. They are also the only team to currently have a clinched playoff spot. For those not aware, the Doritians, Take II are the follow-up to Cheddar's Doritians last year: an Eagles-based team that performed, to put it frankly, shittily. When asked to comment about his surprising victory, Mr. Cheddar claimed, "GET RAPED SON." Elsewhere in the league, there is currently a tight race for 2nd between the Oklahoma Boomers (who are currently in first point-wise and have the season record for highest score in a game with 168.14 points), The DC RacialSlurs, The Dudes, and Lepus Muerte. The real secondary story revolves around league commissioner and possible Nazi-supporter Rosenkrantzenpants. While last year, the German team took the overall victory with quite ease, this year's team is not so magnificent. After many losing streaks and strokes and bad luck, Rosenkrantzenpants has barely been able to pull itself past an even Win-Lose ratio. However, despite a poor record, he maintains 4th place point-wise. The Well-Dressed Pickles again still have yet to win, most likely due to having six of the worst players in the league (two of which are out for the the season) and a refusal to edit the line-up. The Bearasorta Vikings aren't doing much better. Also, you should watch The League on FX. It's a damn funny show. Aristocrat's Update The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball rumbles on, and as the closing date looms like a fat man over a large cake, the question on everyone's lips is "What's the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball?". In case you have recently returned from an Uncyclopedia hiatus or have been hiking through the Amazon Delta wearing nothing but a pair of slippers, I will explain once again: the ATDB is a festival of frivolity and bad taste, highlighting all those fine, fine contributions we never want to see featured. The UnSignpost sat down with competition judge Lyrithya to find out what, if anything, there was to know. "I would like people to stop asking me for help," Lyrithya moaned before our journalist could open his mouth, "Two people have so far already" The UnSignpost infers from this that the competition is truly a desperate one this year; some entrants have clearly been pushed to the limits of their sanity and have begun searching Uncyclopedia's back alleys for writing tips. To round off our interview we asked Lyrithya who she thought would win. "That guy," she said emphatically, indicating a nearby vending machine, "His article is excellent." Whose article she really means shall remain a mystery until the results become known on December 10th. The competition closes for judging this Friday at 00:00 GMT, so if you want to enter, you need to do so soon. The UnSignpost will be there to bring you the results when the judging has happened unless something more exciting happens. Unlikely, but we live in hope. The Grue Army
 For almost a year, most of our classic usergroups remained in pieces. Groups like the Uncyclopedian Forces, the UnAnarchist Party, the UnFire Department, and yes, even the Grue Apocalypse. The economy also dramatically collapsed, with commerce reaching an all-time low. However, one group stands out among all: the Grue Army. After their leader High Gen. Grue went AWOL, the once-proud Grue Army was left belly-up with only 4 of the original members still in. The decision to revive the group was made and Meganew has been seen wearing Patton-esque General's clothing ever since. Some newer users had joined up with the group already, but it wasn't enough to equal a full-scale revival. Therefore, the leaders decided on an unusual plan of action: pick who they thought would be the 10 best candidates for the group. After some of the candidates decided not to join, the plan was expanded to all of the twenty users originally selected. Some have responded and have become active Grue Army members, deep in-the-cave reserve members, and allies. Some people have questioned the need for another group of people who don't do much, but are happy to tell others what to do, as we already have site admins for just such a job. This has been a shameless advertising promotion from the Grue Army, Join Today!!! |
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--
04:49, December 2, 2010 (UTC)
The UnSignpost, now with 25% less saturated fat[edit source]
I love it when the news comes together
Dec 9th, 2010 • Issue 98 • Is that an UnSignpost in your pocket?
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The UnSignpost Investigates: VFH
 If you have ever written an article on Uncyclopedia then the chances are you have run the gauntlet of Votes for Highlight at some point, which inevitably means you have experienced the helpful criticism, the less helpful criticism and the downright bizarre criticism. VFH is the most popular voting page on Uncyclopedia, and this week the UnSignpost is taking a closer look at the process that separates the wheat from the chaff, and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian[citation needed]. VFH has come under fire this week from an outgoing editor and we thought it would be unfair to dismiss his claims without properly investigating them, so we didn't and it was a great fun; we played badminton and then we went bowling. However, when Sycamore complained about recent trends on VFH, we decided to have a look. There is a serious point to be made here, with admins being told at least twice a week that both they and Uncyclopedia suck penises - is VFH not somewhere that should be more carefully regulated to prevent articles that are less than amusing being nominated? Or should users who are presently engaged in nominating idiotic pages for VFH be told to cut it out, or else? Discussions have taken place about scrapping voting altogether and having the admins run things or, as one bright-spark suggested: just get rid of against voting. VFH is not a machine in dire need of repair, however, but for many it does seem to be a flawed system that is entirely to blame for A wizard did it being featured.  As a result of the above, the UnSignpost urges you to do two things: Vote on VFH; it needs your votes to work, as the name might suggest, and try to remember that while cocking about is fun, work is immeasurably more useful. Also, because the lead story this week has been very sombre and serious, we have attached a picture of a dog wearing a hat. Enjoy. Mince Pies, an editorial  Hey guys!!! This week I thought I would talk about something which is guaranteed to interest EVERYONE! My favourite food in the world: Mince Pies!!! OMG they are teh brillz0rz! (Internet slang; I'm hip!) I mean they don't even have MINCE in them! What's UP WITH THAT!? Here's how I began to find them totally lolicious and awesome!!!! It all started at last year's Christmas pa- Signal interrupted New message incoming There is no need to adjust your UnSignpost. Halt all subversive activity. Exits are not located to the rear. Rollback is not disabled. Expect no Christmas bonus. The Cabal is not addressing you from this periodical. It is not the Festive Season. Santa does not exist. Nothing you do matters. Our patience is not tried by your petty drama and hi-jinks. Contributions are not logged and examined. Addresses are not tracked and houses are not watched. Bans will not be imposed if you reject our reality.  Abide citizens. Location scrambled. Message ends Signal re-established, original transmission resuming ... and that's when I threw up all over the dancing Elephant! See you next week! |
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--ChiefjusticeGameCube 16:12, December 9, 2010 (UTC)
Oh shit! It's another unsignpost![edit source]
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
Dec 16th, 2010 • Issue 99 • Now with 50% more Cheese News!!
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Turkey Ball Anyone?
As all great things must come to an end so must all fairly mediocre things, and this has certainly proved true for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, which concluded last Thursday/Friday/Early Saturday morning. Unfortunately, all of our reporters were out watching Lord of the Dance or entertaining Monsignor Sandman when it was happening and we have no on the spot coverage or reporting whatsoever. However, we have once again stepped unto the breach in the name of journalism and have, at great personal risk, recovered the results from the competition page. This year the joint winners of the title category are: Socky for UnBooks:Fred and EMC for The Aristocraigslist. Socky's winning streak continued into the next category: "Best Bad Taste Article" where he and Zombiebaron's collaboration tied for first place with CheddarBBQ's slightly sickening entry: Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic. The "The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery" category was the only one that obliged us with a clear winner this year, and that winner was Bucknut4, with the loin-stirring image you see attached to this story.  Of course everyone who took part in the competition is a winner... except the people who didn't win anything. The UnSignpost dropped round to Socky's house to find out how he felt about being the biggest Turkey of them all this year: "I'm really proud of winning twice" he told our reporter, banging his head on the toughened glass. "I'd like to throw a big party, but first I'll need to get rid of all the dead bodies...", which was a lovely thought. He also presented our reporter with this picture which, his doctor assured us, Socky had drawn himself. The non-existent Cabal would like to pass on its non-existent thanks to all entrants and judges of the competition and would like to make special mention of Mrthejazz, who narrowly missed out on victory in two categories; hopefully the suicide note, sleeping-pills and empty Whiskey bottles we found when we went round to his house mean he has just gone on holiday. Gayming?
 The Uncyclopedia game namespace came under fire this week as users began discussing whether the whole thing should be euthanized as part of Uncyclopedia's commitment to cutting internet congestion by 60% before the start of 2011. In order to get a handle on matters, the UnSignpost lured veteran Uncyclopedian Mhaille into an interview by convincing him there was cake hidden in our journalist's back pocket. Mhaille called the game namespace "A SHOCKING waste of server space and a section of the site seemingly inhabited by elves, dwarves, grues and Welshpeople". Is this a fair assessment of a namespace that has been around since 2006 or is this just the condemnation of a Bureaucrat engorged with spite at his continued lack of a salary? When asked if he would support deleting the namespace altogether, Mhaille said, "It should at least be hacked back to acceptable levels and filled with humour above that of a 14 year old D&D player". The debate on the game namespace is far from over, especially since a fair number of users haven't even realised it has started yet. Should we delete the namespace, or should we allow it to grow in whichever way the laws of nature allow? However with the game namespace regularly churning out classics like Grue Life and The Great Random Adventure of Awesomeness, it is clear to many that something should be done, even if it is only a jolly good chat in the Village Dump. |
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~ 
05:22, 16 December 2010
UnNews:Doors singer Jim Morrison wins profanity and exposure pardon[edit source]
The subject of this article is such an ass hole that he won’t even thank you. He told me to do it. Hey, fuck him! But, thank you! Specially you, Guildy, buku thanks!--Funnybony 
16:26, Dec 18
- Fucking Jim Morrison. You and him are both certainly welcome, though. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:17, December 18, 2010 (UTC)
UnNews:Evidence of Yeti's existence remains elusive[edit source]
Please take that reference to a competing "news" organization out of the story and instead insert a Sources section for the reader. Cheers! Spıke ¬ 21:27 22-Dec-10
PS--And what about changing "proving" to "of" in the headline? Spıke ¬ 21:29 22-Dec-10
- Sure and sure. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:30, December 22, 2010 (UTC)
- By the way, what do you think? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:30, December 22, 2010 (UTC)
It's risky writing about a non-event, but you write well. I'll change that one word and do a graphic for the UnNews Front Page.
For bonus points, you could have an undercurrent firmer than just starry optimism and waste of money. Perhaps these guys know it is a scam but are playing it for grant money? Perhaps there really is evidence of a Yeti but these guys are so stupid they passed right over it? Still, it's fine as is.
On the Source--I do not need to know where you got the photo. Source ought not to point to a competing comedy site (and I am not sure you didn't steal the joke from them, which is not permitted). You might as well use {{Original}}. The only reason I asked is because I thought this was based on a real AP wire; if so, you should provide a link to it. See how it works? Spıke ¬ 21:42 22-Dec-10
PS--Guess you got to the name change; remember to QVFD the redirect, which nothing yet should be using. Spıke ¬ 21:43 22-Dec-10
- Thanks Spike. This is just my third UnNews, so I'm still a little fuzzy as to just how it all works. Gonna go QVFD that redirect now. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:48, December 22, 2010 (UTC)
One really minor point: Zim once told me that the dash character screws up the podcast (I've fixed it). Also, we put {{Original}} in a Sources section (I've fixed that too)--but we have been debating that today in the UnNews:Newsroom. I wrote down all of this stuff I learned; for more such lore, see UnNews:Style. Spıke ¬ 21:51 22-Dec-10
This is it... the 100th UnSignpost.[edit source]
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
Dec 23rd, 2010 • Issue 100 • Now with added bragging rights!
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The UnSignpost hits 100
So here we are, issue number 100. The newspaper with the most haphazard group of editors and paper... people in the world has successfully spammed talk pages 100 times. This makes now the perfect time to look back at the UnSignpost through the ages and see the motley crew of visionaries, drug addicts and lunatics who have made the UnSignpost what it is today: damaged beyond all repair. The UnSignpost had a beginning, like everything: it was in days of yore when Uncyclopedians fiddled in the street.... in knickerbockers, Mordillo was a new-ish administrator and everything had a rosy sort of tint to it; Uncyclopedia was indeed not as bad as it is today. Two enterprising young Uncyclopedians, Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper, came up with the idea for a newspaper, a newspaper that would tell lazy people what was going on on the wiki, thus encouraging them to continue being lazy. At first, Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper made beautiful After the DJ went belly-up (yes I'll stop this now) Under user decided to have a go... he strapped on his pads and hit the UnSignpost for six (OK, I'm definitely done now) - six issues, to be exact, and then wandered off to get married or some such nonsense, leaving the UnSignpost in the hands of Gerrycheevers. Gerry maintained the paper splendidly until UU came back again and enlisted the help of some more hip and happening users to help him actually know things. UU remained in the editors seat, mostly, and writers like Socky, POTR and Guildensternenstein dropped in to help now and then when UU's creativity failed him. We can't list everyone who turned up as we hate most of them, but they are lovingly remembered on the main UnSignpost page.  Finally the stress became too much for UU, and he fled the office via an upstairs window. When he woke from his coma, we showed him the UnSignpost and threatened to beat him with a stick if he didn't give us a quote on how excellent it was. He said, "Boringly, I love the ol' Signpost, and will probably return to it one day ... But I have written the most issues, across 3 separate stints on the paper, and sheer quantity has to count for something, right? Anyway, I'm glad to see Chief continuing all the proud traditions except late delivery, and am idly wondering how long it'll take before he too crumbles like a dry reed in the face of its relentless news-hunger". So hurrah for the UnSignpost, 100 issues to match up with the hundreds of writers with issues who have contributed to it. See you in issue 200! The UnSignpost:A few words from someone you don't know. Hang on. Did I read that last bit correctly? 100 issues? Wow! Given that it takes our beloved paper boys about 2 hours to deliver the Unsignpost, that means that's 200 hours spent delivering this, not to mention the time and effort put into making this unperiodic periodical over the last 2ish years. So that would mean it's a combined total of multiply by 2... carry the 1... take away the number you first thought of... 2 months worth of work that has gone into the creation of this glorious publication. And it's that attention to detial that makes the UnSignpost what it is. |
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~ 06:52, 23 December 2010
Ingmar Bergman[edit source]
For Christmas I got a Ingmar Bergman boxset. I already watched Through a Glass Darkly and it was great. So yeah, we pretty much like all the same things again. Except football, I'll never understand that. --Black Flamingo 13:23, December 27, 2010 (UTC)
- That's pretty awesome. What films are in the boxset, though? I imagine it's some sort of Criterion Collection thing, but I'm pretty sure that Criterion has, like, three or four different Bergman sets, so yeah. Also, Through a Glass Darkly is a beautiful film, so I'm glad you liked it. Merry belated Christmas. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:32, December 27, 2010 (UTC)
- It has that one, Silence and Winter's Light, or something like that anyway. They call it the "Faith trilogy" so I'm guessing they're all gonna be similarly themed. --Black Flamingo 18:25, December 27, 2010 (UTC)
- Ah, yes, those are all very good. They are all similarly themed, though in terms of aesthetic and plots they're all really different. But, again, great films all. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:33, December 27, 2010 (UTC)
- It has that one, Silence and Winter's Light, or something like that anyway. They call it the "Faith trilogy" so I'm guessing they're all gonna be similarly themed. --Black Flamingo 18:25, December 27, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost, UnSignpost, eat it right here...[edit source]
Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
Dec 30th, 2010 • Issue 101 • The periodical with just a hint of pie.
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Awards of the year
As Christmas fades into the deep darkness of memory and the New Year hurtles towards us so quickly that experts have predicted it will reach us within a few days, thoughts inevitably turn to the Yearly awards. Well, the thoughts of we here at the UnSignpost do; if yours don't, then you aren't committed to this site enough. The yearly awards are: Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Potatochopper of the Year. These highly imaginative awards are hotly contested affairs with up to 3 Uncyclopedians being nominated for each! While voting will not be open until early January you can already begin to think about who you want to nominate. The voting will be open until the end of January, hopefully, maybe, if we remember/are nominated. So prepare for the excitement, bribery and Lolpoo
 Those of you who frequently watch the village dump may have spied, nestled amongst imaginative topics like "I r haz a solushan 4 all teh speeling prooblams on Uncylopedia!!" and "MY PENIS IS BENSON", the topic about the Poo Lit Surprise competition. As the forum topic suggests, the competition is expected to start in January on the 18th. The PLS is arguably the biggest writing competition in Uncyclopedia and judges are still needed to help out, just check out the forum topic if this is something you want to do. The controversial, drama causing, admin harassing problem associated with the PLS last time was the issue of a cash prize for the winner, and clashes over various entries to the competition and the related financial consequences caused problems for the competition and contributed towards Mordillo's 200th mental breakdown of the year. This year crafty Scot Sycamore, who has been coerced into hosting the PLS, has decreed that the winner may nominate a charity to which an unconfirmed sum will be sent on victory. Any further winnings may be withdrawn from your bank account with your credit card and redeemed at most shops. The competition starts on January 18th and we are lead to believe will close 14 days later, however we cannot confirm this for reasons that we are unable to confirm at time of writing and going to press. It's that simple. |
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~ 21:35, 30 December 2010
Yeti[edit source]
I know we agreed on a swap, but there's really nothing to say about your Yeti piece. It's kind of perfect. I've been reviewing it for hours now and have nothing. Do you really want a review for it? I'd be prepared to nom it for VFH if you didn't mind (why would you?). --Black Flamingo 09:32, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, I certainly wouldn't mind a VFH nomination (you know me) if you think it doesn't need a review. I'm still gonna review your article, though, which I'll do sometime either today or tomorrow. Thanks. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:30, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- We'll give it a go then, it is good, and I'm sure it'll do as well as any other UnNews at least. And a thanks in advance for reviewing mine too. --Black Flamingo 17:12, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Sure thing, thanks. And I'll get to your article today or the day after, like I said. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:19, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- I couldn't wait to vote for it so I nommed it in advance. Ha! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:20, 2 January 2011
- Just noticed that--thanks Socky. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:21, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Good, I must hurry to vote against it. Thank you for your kind words on the WotY page, appreciated. Would be nice to give a dozen of those out a year, but then it wouldn't be WotY and uncy wouldn't have to kick itself for the luck of the draw (or luck of the drawer) that Mhaille has had to face for several years now. But, Cary Grant is always the inspiration. Aleister 20:29 2 1 '11
- And Hitchcock of course - he never won an Oscar. --Black Flamingo 20:34, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Good, I must hurry to vote against it. Thank you for your kind words on the WotY page, appreciated. Would be nice to give a dozen of those out a year, but then it wouldn't be WotY and uncy wouldn't have to kick itself for the luck of the draw (or luck of the drawer) that Mhaille has had to face for several years now. But, Cary Grant is always the inspiration. Aleister 20:29 2 1 '11
- Just noticed that--thanks Socky. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:21, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- I couldn't wait to vote for it so I nommed it in advance. Ha! —Sir Socky
- Sure thing, thanks. And I'll get to your article today or the day after, like I said. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:19, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery![edit source]
I love it when the news comes together
Jan 6th, 2011 • Issue 102 • Just add Milk!
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Wiki Update
 So it would seem, considering Uncyclopedia has successfully staggered its way into a new year (and its 6th birthday on Janurary 5), that everything is working as it should; this raises the question, why? Well, we at the UnSignpost love a challenge, so we have investigated the salt mines of Uncyclopedia to see the VFD is working splendidly and has recently held a minor games purge. If you missed out, shame on you. Watched over by Sycamore, it is edited continuously by a few others who have been hitting the random page button in search of crap to rewrite for months, if not years now. Over on UnNews, SPIKE is also labouring in the place of UnNews grandmaster, the right honourable Zim ulator. Meanwhile on pee review, Lyrithya and Black flamingo11 have been shouldering more responsibility than they know what to do with, reviewing and checking the infernal tables and generally filling the void left by somebody trying in vain to get a life. Now for a quick moment on the forums.... that's that over with. Recent changes is also empty because Socky has stopped categorising absolutely everything and everyone else is.... writing. Romartus is still shattering hopes and dreams on VFH and we hope to be able to bring you this exact same piece of news next year. The admins are of course splitting their time between overseeing the whole process and abusing their powers for giggles. If you work like a dog for Uncyclopedia and you haven't been mentioned here, it's nothing personal; it's just From the desk of the Cabal:Compliance recommended for 2011
 It has not escaped the notice of the non-existent Cabal that Uncyclopedia has successfully survived another year, and the Cabal, of which there is none, orders all subjects to have a happy new year, or else. It would seem that you ignored our ruling of last year where we instructed you to comply at every opportunity and issued a decree banning drama. In 2010 we saw range blocks and epic ban sprees (to purge the ballot boxes and thus purify democracy), we witnessed mass deletions (necessary losses), we observed hundreds of forum topics declaring Wikia to be the worst (Wikia are to be obeyed despite this), we watched as you persecuted the weak, stubborn and female (to build the master race) and took note of your single success, that of closing the worst 100 reflections on 2010 before midnight on December 31st. This took you two years; it does not count. In short you have failed us again. So as 2010 fades into distant memory, we turn our eyes to 2011. We have the following advice: question nothing; you are meddling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend; remain indoors; do not attempt to remove the cameras from your dwelling they are for the protection of the community; drive safely; stay in school/work; shut the fuck up and go write an article; provide your bank details and PIN when asked. That is all citizens, you may now move freely about the complex. |
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Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 09:55, Jan 6 2011 UTC
Hey lonely[edit source]
I'm working on this, and asking other writers if they'd like to contribute. It's basically a humorous lonely hearts column, but I'm too unfunny and lazy to come up with enough ads. You're a funny guy; think you'll be able to add a few? Lyrithya's going to make it look like an actual newspaper and everything. --Black Flamingo 13:55, January 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Hmm, I'll try and come up with a few, provided I find the time. Even if I don't, though, this is a pretty funny/good idea. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:03, January 9, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery![edit source]
May contain traces of humor!
Jan 13th, 2011 • Issue 103 • Leave to stand for 5 minutes before consuming
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Voting Frenzy
It's that month again, the famous voting month when Uncyclopedians gather to air their opinions on the year that has been, user contributions or lack thereof and lots of other things. The difference between this and the continuous monthly evaluation normally going on is that now we have Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year to accompany our small selection of monthly awards/voting pages: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Of course it is the duty of every Uncyclopedian worth his/her salt to vote and have an opinion on each and every one of the above. Having no opinion is not an option; we can't afford such luxuries, not when the very fabric of our society hangs by a thread made entirely of voting pages. The UnSignpost has spoken to experts in voting patterns and strategies and they have instructed us to encourage each and every one of you to vote for whichever candidate you wouldn't like to not unwin again! It's that simple! A quick round up on our yearly awards: over on WotY Mhaille, Sog1970 and Aleister in Chains are slugging it out blow by blow for pole position. On UotY, some Spunk bubble has stormed ahead with Lyrithya in second place and all the other deserving candidates scrapping on the floor for... er scraps.The best articles of 2010 voting opens on the 15th of this month and will give the hardcore voters among you a chance to get stuck in again, but this time into people's articles rather than the people themselves. Regrettable, we know, but you can always nominate them for something next month. As the voting frenzy continues, the UnSignpost will continue to watch from a safe distance and will be on hand to comfort all the winners when they realise the best years of their lives have been spent essentially bailing out the Titanic with a small mug. The very worst of luck to everyone, and indeed everything, competing. Uncyclopedia is 6!
 It's true, it is. Six years of crawling around the back streets of the internet begging to anyone for cash/servers/food, regardless of how useful they may or may not be. That's right, everyone, you are aboard the good ship Uncyclopedia, the only wiki that has sails and a rudder and that's a fact. The UnSignpost won't be doing anything like making up poems or getting emotional and tender about Uncyclopedia growing a year older, since some people have already shown off what big girls they are by doing just that. A quick review of said poetry: Olipro thinks it's cool and manly to swear (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), Mimo&maxus thinks it's cool to be like Olipro (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), and neither of them are very good at poetry (this is true and their poetry sucks because of it). Happy birthday Uncyclopedia! At least we here at the UnSignpost did the manly thing of putting on a pink apron and baking you a cake. |
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Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 03:14, Jan 13 2011 UTC
Poetry in motion[edit source]
Hello, and may goddess find you lounging. I did a fix on the poem on VFH to explain the hair thing, and a couple of other minor tweeks, so I changed my vote. I had checked and this would give Jack Mort a Hall of Shame membership, something I enjoy helping users reach, so I gave it a second and later a fourth look. Maybe check out the tweeks and concept - it's not ha ha funny but I'm not a stickler to that. Greeks approach, I must go. Aleister 14:23 13 1 '11
- Alrighty, I'll look at it again and consider changing my vote. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:52, January 13, 2011 (UTC)
Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is the UnSignpost.[edit source]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
Jan 20th, 2011 • Issue 104 • Whatever happened to Wagon Wheels?
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PuppyOnTheRadio makes a discovery!
 Incredible, isn't it; we were pretty astounded ourselves... the UnSignpost actually has some news to report! Yes, everyone's favourite radio-fetishist canine has made the discovery of the This paper understands that the discovery occurred as PuppyOnTheRadio was sniffing spores, mould and fungus (as he does every Tuesday), when he accidentally sneezed mucus all over them. POTR then observed some remarkable effects as the So if you witness some huge game purges going on, do not be concerned; it's just the administrators cleaning up after POTR; needless to say they hate him for this. You all think about that before you next consider doing something useful; all you have to gain is the eternal hatred of every active administrator, although if you really want that, he has posted some ads looking for help. Also yes, this paper is aware that the image accompanying this story is of Sigmund Freud as opposed to a real scientist; this is not because we don't know who he is, but simply because POTR has issues. Facebook for a day
 Those of you who arrived at Uncyclopedia on the 16th of this month may have noticed that the main page looked like Facebook. We here at the UnSignpost certainly did; we were celebrating the inevitable salaries, dental plans and offices with swivel chairs that inevitably come with people who have money being in charge when Zombiebaron told us it was just a reskin, what a jerk. The page has received high praise from the community, especially those who were in it. The brains behind it (and we use the term brains loosely) were Zombiebaron and Lyrithya, who spent a great deal of their seemingly limitless free time working on it. This newspaper can only assume they were both living off other people's money and not paying tax at the time, because if they contributed anything to society then they would have been slumped in front of their TV's, miserable and alone, frittering away their time on earth like the rest of us. Did we mention that they are probably in the country illegally? As per this newspaper's policy of forgetting to ask people for quotes in case they say something worth writing, we have simply observed Lyrithya (from a safe distance) to find out her feelings on the reskin. Don't do this, for your own safety. All she does is eat Cheetos and whine. Zombiebaron has once again obliged us by simply saying "Zombiebaron" in response to any question our reporters ask. All joking aside, the reskin was superb and a lot of hard work went into its creation, and not just from the two users mentioned. Others were involved in some of the jokes, creativity and stuff. Check the reskin out in the main page history if you missed it, or you can check out all the main page reskins in the reskin archive. |
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~ 08:15, 20 January 2011
Yeti news thing[edit source]
Well, Yeti didn't make it; shame. Anyways I struck my booking of the review, don't know if you still want one but in any case I don't think I'm going to be of much help there. If you write anything else though let me know, I still owe you a pee. --Black Flamingo 23:04, January 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Eh, a review of that now's sort of pointless. However, I'm going to start on an article for PLS later today--after the competition you can review that if you want/still feel the obligation to. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:00, January 22, 2011 (UTC)
It is so![edit source]
My cock is so 3 3/4" long, not 3 3/5"! I love that extra something of an inch. I'm for Sog for WotY too, and would love it if at least three of us tie and if I "win" I don't want to win without him. Taking your numbering and boldfacing into account, I will UnHumbly claim the "official" most features in a calendar year, although, well, if you give Sog one day at the end of '009 and two days in 2011 he gets to 30 1/2. In calendar year 2010 he had 28 1/2, while I got to 29 (the first one on Februrary 13th). I really did get selfish and wanted the 30, just so I could have had XXX in MMX. That would have been fun, but alas, best laid plans. So it wasn't much of a difference on our feature counts. And I haven't said hello lately, so "Hello" and I hope all goes well in school and in other activities. Aleister 20:57 23-1-'11
- I just recounted (twice, actually)--I forgot to leave out the most recent one, which was obviously done this year. Everything after the CCTV Nativity piece were all written in 2010, though, which leaves him with 30. I don't see where you're getting this 28.5 thing from. You can also (and this is the easier way, I think) count all the features he had before 2010--which is pretty obviously 17--add the 0.5 from his most recent one, and subtract it from his total number of features to get 30. So, yeah. In short, it seems as though both of our initial counts were wrong. On an unrelated note, thanks for the "hello" and well-wishes--the same to you, good sir. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:35, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
- Jeez, a bolded can of worms! Only reason I mentioned this was your bolded statement about a yearly record. Either way it's counted, I seem to "win" the dubious prize, but it's so close it really doesn't matter. Two ways: If you count things actually first featured on the front page in 2010, Sog had 28 1/2 while I had 29. If counting things with a reasonable percentage written in 2010, Sog now has 30 1/2 and I have 31, but that way of counting includes an element of change as months or even years go by. A half-point either way. And again, I hope in my selfish heart that Sog, Mhaille, and myself tie for WotY, which would seem very fair and sponge-worthy. Aleister 9:12 24-1-'11
- So I just recounted, and it seems as though I'm slightly retarded--I thought only God's Answering Service was featured this year, and I failed to realize that both Barbarian and Roberto Duran were also featured in 2011, mostly because I just assumed they were featured in 2010. My bad Al, I concede both my mistake and your single season record. I'm still going to vote for Sog, though, just so that "tie" you speak of becomes slightly more possible. Sorry for creating all the confusion. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:14, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks for checking, and, after consulting with my lover, baseball statistician Bill James, I also gave a reasoning on the writer's page for awarding Sog 30. I best sign off now and soak my brain in something wet or smokey. Aleister 14:17 24-1-'11
- So I just recounted, and it seems as though I'm slightly retarded--I thought only God's Answering Service was featured this year, and I failed to realize that both Barbarian and Roberto Duran were also featured in 2011, mostly because I just assumed they were featured in 2010. My bad Al, I concede both my mistake and your single season record. I'm still going to vote for Sog, though, just so that "tie" you speak of becomes slightly more possible. Sorry for creating all the confusion. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:14, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
- Jeez, a bolded can of worms! Only reason I mentioned this was your bolded statement about a yearly record. Either way it's counted, I seem to "win" the dubious prize, but it's so close it really doesn't matter. Two ways: If you count things actually first featured on the front page in 2010, Sog had 28 1/2 while I had 29. If counting things with a reasonable percentage written in 2010, Sog now has 30 1/2 and I have 31, but that way of counting includes an element of change as months or even years go by. A half-point either way. And again, I hope in my selfish heart that Sog, Mhaille, and myself tie for WotY, which would seem very fair and sponge-worthy. Aleister 9:12 24-1-'11
UnSignpost! Wheeee![edit source]
Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.
Jan 27th, 2011 • Issue 105 • Do not try this at home!
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Awards and Voting Update
As the Uncyclopedian voting season draws to a close, the UnSignpost is proud to have spent a full ten minutes looking at the scores on the award pages so you don't have to! Over on Writer of the Year Aleister in Chains has taken a lead of two points over Mhaille and Sog1970 who are tied in second place with 9 each. It looks as though WotY is set to be a real roller coaster thrill ride as the frontrunners approach the final furlong, looking to be the first to vault the pommel horse of victory and ultimately hit it out of the park for a triple 20 score of 180, all without potting the black... or getting knocked off their broomsticks. Meanwhile Uncyclopedian of the Year is interesting, if only to watch Uncyclopedians revelling in a completely non-gay celebration of how fantastic everyone else is, all except the leader, ironically, who this newspaper maintains is a work-shy wank-stain on the pants of life. The Top 10 articles of 2010 is almost finished and the leaders of the pack are becoming apparent, with Suddenly, Raccoons leading the pack and Gay whales in Darfur and A wizard did it tying for second place. There has been some comment on this positioning: mostly screams of horror that an article comprising 6 words could possibly competing for best article of the year, sighs of resignation as it inches closer to actually achieving that end and the snorting guffaws of the people voting for it as they accidentally eat the ends of their fingers while eating crisps and try to cross busy roads without looking. UnSignpost Disclaimer: All scores are correct at time of writing, if they change, as they inevitably will, why not look at it as a metaphor for our inability to understand the universe as it changes around us and leave this story alone? Panic, despair and anguish
 It was a fine day, and then Wikia came. They destroyed that which we hold dear, had the tenacity to upgrade the site, kidnapped our children after we refused to pay them for piping all the rats out of town, turned all our clocks backwards 3 hours and worst of all they turned Mordillo into a newt... but he got better. Yes, this week has seen another Wikia update, and our roving reporters have taken to the streets, in flak jackets naturally, to investigate the chaos currently engulfing Uncyclopedia, as people wake up to discover the changes to bits of the site they never used. First of all we stopped by the Village Dump, where the peasants are revolting, and some people are quite upset about the new changes. Chief among those people is Dexter111344, starter of the forum topic Technical difficulties with Wikimedia updates in January 2011; we didn't bother interviewing him as he looked quite mean, though this periodical does observe that Dexter has been protesting against regular bathing for some time now and nobody else really wants to talk to him. If you aren't Spang, Olipro or Lyrithya you won't have a clue what is going on, so we have condensed it down into a suitably stupid phrase just for you "Shit dun' got fucked up". From here we dropped by Wikia headquarters and, once we had obtained docking clearance and the shield on the forest moon was deactivated, we were able to speak to Stay classy, Uncyclopedia, and watch out for DPLs. If you find something that is badly broken and adversely effecting the running of the site as a whole then contact an administrator or an |
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~ 04:42, 27 January 2011
The UnSignpost is now served with complimentary tacos.[edit source]
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
Feb 3rd, 2011 • Issue 106 • Can you feel the news melt?
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Awards and the winners thereof
Those of you who were rapt by the news from last issue were doubtless concerned by the news of Wikia updates, however life around the wiki appears to be proceeding as normal, albeit with more swearing and misery. Despite this last week being quite a slow one as far as news goes, the UnSignpost refuses to simply lie back and think of England. Our roving reporters have sat down with the yearly award winners to find out just how it feels to  Next we stealthily followed Aleister in Chains to work to find out just how he felt about being named Writer of the Year. He had this to say, to someone else: "Everyone nominated deserved the award. Seriously. It's like chopping a baby up bit by bit (dibs on the heart and some of the toes)," which means he is a whole 10% more stable than last years winner! It seems only fair that we should speak to Mhaille, repeat Writer of the Year loser and bureaucrat; he said, "I'd like to thank all the voters who for the fifth year running didn't get me a WOTY award and all the people who took time out from their busy schedule of not being on Uncyclopedia to come back and offer their support in our annual awards." What a splendid fellow. We here at the UnSignpost are all agreed that it takes real talent to lose as gracefully as Mhaille does. In an unprecedented turn of events, Useless Gobshite of the Year was jointly received by both Arsehole and Twattycake; Twattycake also picked up the Uncyclopedian of the Year award in a final evening of voting that will go down in history as having happened last weekend. We haven't asked them for quotes, though Twattycake did manage to say something about being incredibly grateful to everyone who voted for him. He then tried to consume our correspondent's "essence," so we haven't got anything more from him. The Top 10 of 2010 extravaganza also concluded with Suddenly, Raccoons taking the top spot, closely followed by A wizard did it, Filial Piety and Gay whales in Darfur. Mhaille, who won't stop following our journalists around, said "This years "Top" 10 shows once again that people of taste and infinite comedic writing talent must be found soon to stop this travesty from ever occurring again". The top ten extravaganza will continue for a while longer as each of the articles in the top 10 is once again highlighted on the front page. With that, Uncyclopedia's voting season draws to a close, leaving the UnSignpost bereft of filler material. Again. UnNews update
 After spending the last several months in a sensory deprivation tank, Reverend zim ulator has returned to his position at Uncyclopedia, though only on a part-time basis, the slacker. In his absence, SPIKE has been doing a There have been some grumblings about the UnNews podcast, more specifically the lack of updates since last summer. As of today, the podcast has been updated with UnNews' latest audios, dating back to January 24 2010. By the time this article is published, the list should stretch back to last August or so. Go check it out now; we'll wait. UnFunnies on UnNews main page are being changed again, after a hiatus. The cartoonist had been hospitalized with juxtaposition atrophy for the last several months, keeping him from his easel. |
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~ 02:33, 3 February 2011
This edition of the UnSignpost brought to you in two's complement...[edit source]
Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay
Feb 10th, 2011 • Issue 107 • The newspaper that you should really sign up for and read on your own talk page
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Surprise!
Is this a bag of poo I see before me? Indeed it is, good sirs and questionable madams; surprising, isn't it?! See how we have magnificently crafted the title of the competition here? We used the word poo, so it's sophisticated and funny! Especially if we set it on fire! Yes, it is Poo Lit Surprise time and it has been since January the 18th! However the UnSignpost won't let being some 23 days late to the competition stop the relentless march of journalism. The competition has been hosted this time around by sexy Scot Sycamore. When asked about the competition, Sycamore told our reporter "Things have gone pretty well with PLS. I've enjoyed reading many of the entries, and the quality has been very impressive - hopefully we'll see some great features from some very good new and old writers". Now in light of these comments, you may be thinking, "There's a man with his head screwed on correctly, I must pop round to his house for tea and muffins next time I'm out on a jaunt round Scotland," but we implore you not to do this, because Sycamore is, to be frank, snooker-loopy.The competition is due to provide definitive results by the 13th, but the fierce intensity in the competition id rivalled only by Mordillo's intense desire not to do any judging until late March (he claims he has life issues) and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user's desire to avoid allocating a clear winner (he clearly has life issues). The UnSignpost would like to extend its congratulations to everyone who participated in the PLS; as we always say, every single one of you is a winner; it's just that most of you won't actually be winners. Big News!
 First, a confession: I have just lied to all of you; there is no big news to report. Just about everyone has gotten over the Wikia update frenzy of a few weeks ago, there are no big awards left to report on, no controversies or pregnancies, or indeed pregnancies or controversies. We, well, I say we; it's just me really - which makes the meetings and functions really dull- have thought and thought and thought about what to put in this space. Should we tell you about Socky's idea to have yet another chance to vote in case you weren't completely sick of voting by now? Or should we look for a part of the site that nobody edits much, like UnTunes or UnScripts? We were stumped until we hit upon the idea of reporting on how you are all bunch of slackers who haven't done anything interesting this week, and it's true, everyone except Sycamore has been happy to just plod along being vaguely useful, and the UnSignpost is here to tell you that this is entirely unacceptable. We see you every day, adding things to QVFD, patrolling Recent Changes, writing articles and generally hanging about the place being limber and stress free; your attitudes are what reduced Mordillo to the burnt out husk he is today. Not that this paper encourages drama or vandalism; we just want to see the wiki fall into rack and ruin and be there to chronicle every glorious second of it! As the flames leap high into the night sky, the UnSignpost would be there, finally making use of the flak jackets we were issued last summer. Think of the coverage! We could interview Wikia representatives in their bunker at the heart of Skynet! We could run messages across the darkened fields of open warfare to... Fredd's house, the heart of the Uncyclopedian resistance. Imagine the pictures: Olipro executed by Wikia for a particularly groundbreaking piece of code that actually works! Lyrithya brutally murdered in the dead of night by nobody in particular! Not using that fecking dog image we've been using since issue 2! So to conclude, there is no way for us to fill this space this week short of encouraging a violent revolution. We hope the lot of you are satisfied. |
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~ 02:27, 10 February 2011
UnScripts:Law & Order: Puritan New England[edit source]
It's cool, but it means you're left with a problem. The issue is that on your resolution, which I am assuming is 1240 X something, you have nicely semi-centered left justified text. On my laptop, which is 1024 X something I lose text off the right of the screen, and on my iPhone it's even messier - especially as the phone defaults to lite version.
Maybe you'd be better off putting this together within different divs along the way. So you have something like:
Or alternatively:
Comparative to:
CHARACTER:
I am saying something here of importance. No really and truly it is important. If it wasn't
important it wouldn't be here. And look at the font and the layout - it must be important.
Now at your resolution these would all look roughly the same, but if you experiment with this using your talk page - as we've got these three examples neatly lined up now - you'll see that the different screen resolutions do very different things to the different sections. Pup 09:50 13 Feb '11
- Also
Pup 10:07 13 Feb '11
- Actually, the best so far - in my opinion - is a combination of the first two options:
- Also Lythirya has been working on a template that does pop-up images, which I think would have a little more impact (on most browsers) than having the images as links from the text. Again, I'm throwing ideas around as I'm a bit of a code and layout freak. You may have already realised that. Oh, and you'll probably already have noticed I've added the VFH template to the start of the article. Feel free to move or remove it, as after it was done I realised it would be better placed at the base, but your article, your call. Pup 06:23 14 Feb '11
- Yeah, I saw Lythirya's use of that pop-up thing in Fuck ChiefjusticeDS--it wasn't in template form, though, and though I wanted to use just the code in my UnScript, it didn't work given the article's formatting. If she ever gets that to work, though, I'm totally going to use it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:43, February 14, 2011 (UTC)
- {{PopupImage}} - it'll ruin us all. But you can test it. Also, cheese squigglies. ~
08:34, 14 February 2011
- The template still seems to interfere with the article formatting of my UnScript, but in future articles I'm definitely going to use it. Thanks. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:40, February 14, 2011 (UTC)
- I've also started working on a template for scripts based upon this and using em and 12 pt monospace. (Theoretically should be courier, but courier doesn't seem to be the same on different browsers so monospace is the beat web safe substitute for it.). This talks about having it on A4 pages, but I'm ignoring that aspect to keep it more web friendly. I have finally discovered the relationship between Pt and inches (72 pt = 1 in = 6 em when using a 12 pt font) so I'm using that relationship to arrange my borders. This means it may still have some issue on 600 px wide resolution, but anything above that should be good. This should also mean Lythirya's excellent template can be worked into it smoothly. Pup 12:26 15 Feb '11
- That's pretty cool--yet another cool template I hope to make use of. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:05, February 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Also Lythirya has been working on a template that does pop-up images, which I think would have a little more impact (on most browsers) than having the images as links from the text. Again, I'm throwing ideas around as I'm a bit of a code and layout freak. You may have already realised that. Oh, and you'll probably already have noticed I've added the VFH template to the start of the article. Feel free to move or remove it, as after it was done I realised it would be better placed at the base, but your article, your call. Pup 06:23 14 Feb '11
Congratulations on winning PLS! Even though I know you only got it because you slept with the judges. King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court) 21:27, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
- Why thank you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:17, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
- Could this be the formatting you were looking for, perchance? Changing the typeface to match yours shouldn't be a problem. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 15:53, 19 February 2011
- Eh, I suppose, though the way the margins are still leaves a little something to be desired. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:48, February 19, 2011 (UTC)
Lurg luuurg unsignpost luuuuurg[edit source]
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpostThe Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
Feb 17th, 2011 • Issue 108 • The newspaper that won't be interrupted by some kind of nocturnal omniv-
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Who are these people?
 That's right, this week, Uncyclopedia has seen several old people reappear and start editing with the best of us. The first to appear was Codeine, who appeared on the wiki after previously dropping by only every few weeks to revert the anniversary pages and bemoan the general state of things; our forecasters are currently unsure whether we will see a full resurgence of Codeine, but they are hopeful that levels will continue to rise until everyone is crushed beneath Codeine's massive... mixed metaphor. Rcmurphy has also joined the wiki and can be sighted wandering around on recent changes, asking silly questions and trying and failing to create articles; we asked our forecasters what they thought about Rcmurphy and the chances of him staying here, but apparently they don't care about "some noob".  Anyone who has not had a chance to speak to either Codeine or Rcmurphy should head to their talk pages right now and ask about their Mum and offer to adopt them, respectively. Be gentle with these two aged Uncyclopedians; remember, everything was far simpler in their day. When they were your age, all of this was fields, Mordillo was happy, the servers frolicked in a Wikia free wonderland and you were still a glint in your Mother's eye. We were lucky enough not to sit down with Codeine, but can predict with frightening accuracy that he would have said "Would you like a mint imperial?" if we had. You can't actually sit down with Rcmurphy because he has lost his 'sitting down and giving quotes to the UnSignpost' glasses, so we don't have a proper quote from him either. We can live with this and so can you. Remember, if you edit hard and eat your greens, you too could be just like Codeine and Rcmurphy in a few short years; how awesome would that be?! Suddenly News!
 So it was, with a mixture of relief and apathy, that the top 10 extravaganza drew to a close and it was revealed to everyone with no knowledge of the chronology of numbers which article claimed the top spot. Suddenly, Raccoons joins Dragon Warrior, AAAAAAAAA!, Captain Obvious, You Are Dead and the awkward tie from 2008 in the grand cupboard of Uncyclopedia where it shall remain as an example of how to write an Uncyclopedia article. The UnSignpost refuses to congratulate Hyperbole for writing Uncyclopedia's favorite article three years running, since doing so would run contrary to our aim of ultimately crushing him with the futility of his own existence. Hyperbole: You suck. In other news, the PLS scores have been added up; anybody who has been peeking at the results page while it was being created should report to Uncyclopedia HQ for the customary 15 lashes of the cat (the same punishment for reading this periodical before it is delivered), but should also be aware that ties in the PLS are unacceptable - don't ask why; they just are - and any ties have been broken with the help of the A quick word on the forums: Poo. That was fun wasn't it? The final item of news for you this week is that Zombiebaron, everybody's favourite flesh-devouring chocolate flavoured |
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~ 06:13, 17 February 2011
UnSignnull pointer exception[edit source]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
Feb 24th, 2011 • Issue 109 • Just heat and serve!
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Poo Aftermath
We write on what is, for the UnSignpost, a very sad day. It is sad because the Poo Lit Surprise has concluded and thus, after this story, we will once again be bereft of material to fill the eternal white space which mocks us every time we begin a new issue. Nevertheless, we have resolved to wring the final droplets of news from the damp flannel of the PLS; it's easier than thinking, you see. After the ties and laziness of the judging process had been overcome, through the miracles of adding up and generally being unfair, Sycamore was finally able to reveal the winners to the world. As you would expect, the UnSignpost staff were all otherwise occupied while he was doing
this, but have not only swung by the winners circle and spoken to the few contestants who don't yet have restraining orders against us but have also fetched the scores from the competition page thus saving you from the horrors of excessive reading once again. The winner of the coveted Best The Best Illustrated Article category broke all known records by having only three entrants and then being unable to select one to triumph over the others; it was eventually decided that - since we edit in a corrupt aristocracy where the cabal secretly decides everything - the two admins would win together and Lyrithya could have the supreme honour of being runner up! Lyrithya was permitted this enviable honour for a second time in the Best Rewrite category where she and Black flamingo11 lost to Thekillerfroggy. The UnSignpost would, as is customary, like to offer its congratulations to all the contestants and its thanks to all the judges for ensuring that the competition failed to run smoothly; thanks also go to Sycamore for It's all going to end in tears
 Like the eviction notices that keep arriving at UnSignpost HQ, the imminent threat of No, not really; while the spectre of remotely possible drama does indeed hang over our heads, there is no reason to stop drop and roll just yet, though this week tension has ramped up a notch as a proposal to change the rules of the mythical other form of VFS was raised in the forums. The idea was pioneered by Electrified mocha chinchilla who suggests that the present system is unfair and is calling for change. Hyperbole has also voiced his opposition to the present system by making it sound like we are editing in a slightly less humane version of Stalin's Russia, where  Olipro has taken advantage of the preoccupation with most of the active userbase in fighting to the death in the Ministry of Love to propose the locking of the sandbox talk page. What fun he must be at parties. The UnSignpost will continue to monitor the situation, but just remember, admin rights are just like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every arsehole gets them. Think about that. |
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~ 07:42, 24 February 2011
HAPPY MONKEY COMPETITION MARCH 2nd[edit source]
¡¡¡ OLÉ !!! :)
--Shabidoo 10:15, February 24, 2011 (UTC)
You seem to have won yet another something.[edit source]
I hope you're happy.
This user is the
February 2011
Playwright of the Month
Also, well earned. ~ 01:55, 1 March 2011
- Hah, yeah, thanks for the nomination. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:50, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- I might have voted for you, too, but I never got around to it. ~ 03:55, 1 March 2011
- Eh, it's all good, I won after all, and due to your nom. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:41, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- And you definitely didn't notice that I initally got the year wrong, either. Yeah, everything works out! Hurrah! *makes a hasty exit* ~ 05:50, 1 March 2011
- I did, actually, but only after I pasted that to my userpage. You can check my edit history to see me changing it, if you're curious. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:32, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, both you and Modus did, since I did that on both of them... but I can pretend otherwise, right? I can pretend... ~ 06:34, 1 March 2011
- Of course you can. Or, realizing this is a wiki and people can easily change shit like that (and do) all time, you can not worry too much about it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:36, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- But if people can change things... then my whole perception of reality is all wrong! ~ 06:48, 1 March 2011
- But if people can change things... then my whole perception of reality is all wrong! ~
- Of course you can. Or, realizing this is a wiki and people can easily change shit like that (and do) all time, you can not worry too much about it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:36, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, both you and Modus did, since I did that on both of them... but I can pretend otherwise, right? I can pretend... ~
- I did, actually, but only after I pasted that to my userpage. You can check my edit history to see me changing it, if you're curious. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:32, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- And you definitely didn't notice that I initally got the year wrong, either. Yeah, everything works out! Hurrah! *makes a hasty exit* ~
- Eh, it's all good, I won after all, and due to your nom. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:41, March 1, 2011 (UTC)
- I might have voted for you, too, but I never got around to it. ~
All the UnSignpost you ever wanted[edit source]
Word to your mother.
March 3rd, 2011 • Issue 110 • Be sure to listen carefully for the Satanic messages!
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Hip Hop Admin Master Mixer
 Yes, that's right, it's all here: votes for temporary adminship. Two things that are immediately noticeable to those looking at forum is that the community is divided and that it isn't funny at all. Even the permanently enthusiastic joke Dolphins kept in the dream filled creativity lake outside UnSignpost HQ are struggling to provide any inspiration for jokes to be made on this subject, and reading the forums pertaining to this is about as funny as having a brick thrown in your face only to wake up and discover there is a gas bill tied to it. That is why the UnSignpost refuses to make any mention of it again ever. The UnSignpost would instead like to draw your attention to this picture of a Dog dressed as a Lobster, and feels that there is greater allegorical significance to it than is immediately apparent. To help us out we spent a huge amount of money that we just found on getting an interview with Professor Oswald that ends wald who has spent his life studying stuff!  We were permitted to observe as he perused the picture, occasionally sniffing our correspondent's hair and twitching. After falling over twice and arguing with a nearby desk fan, the professor mused: "If there's one thing your average sweet old lady really likes, it's a damn good row over a few pence..." and from looking at the picture, the UnSignpost can certainly see how he came to this conclusion; if you can't, then you aren't looking hard enough. Our reporter watched in fascination as the Professor stumbled around the room and appeared to develop his prior assertion: "The other things old ladies enjoy are drinking sherry and racism." Truly thought-provoking. The professor finally stood swaying in front of the picture and his eyes seemed to clear in a glorious moment of clarity. "Fuck me, that's an ugly Dog!" he proclaimed before collapsing into a heap on the floor. Got an opinion on everything but no knowledge of anything? Be an UnSignpost authority on nothing! Contact recruitment today! Pooper scoopers and General stuff
Poo. Yes, poo. It's the Dilithium crystal equivalent for Uncyclopedia in that the place couldn't work without it, but nobody is quite sure why. Unlike taking the piss, taking the Poop is a job that not just anyone can do, and the poopsmiths are the chosen few who are permitted to archive the important pages; this reduces the number of This week has seen a new Poopsmith appointed to the order, Lyrithya. When asked to comment on this, she said, "It makes me feel as though a great gong has sounded in my loins," which at least demonstrates the appropriate mindset for the job. In other news, the Earth continued to orbit the Sun and through the unrelenting march of time another month has ended and the monthly awards duly dished out to people who don't deserve them. Socky took Writer of the Month, something which has left him as cheerful as can be (we assume), Black flamingo11 took Uncyclopedian of the month, something which as left him pleased as punch (we assume) and new fellow Rpm snatched Noob of the Month from under Rcmurphy's nose, something which has left them respectively pleased and miserable (we assume). Finally; Uncyclopedians have been sharing their pathetic stories of how they came to edit the site. It's all undeniably homosexual, especially the parts concerning supposed women. The UnSignpost editorial team certainly won't be contributing to Uncyclopedia's very own Princess Diaries; we came to be here in the normal way: an accident involving a van, a tin of baked beans, a large vat of sherbet and 50,000 volts of direct current. |
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~ 16:07, 3 March 2011
UnSignpost: March 10th, 2011[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
March 10th, 2011 • Issue 111 • Make mine a Shandygaff!
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Temporary admins and temporary brains
 It's official - temporary Administrators have arrived on Uncyclopedia. After the frantic discussion and voting, several unlucky losers have been selected from amongst the great unwashed masses and made to shovel through a never-ending pile of manure for 6 hours a day, every day, as is the tradition. The Losers: Hyperbole, perhaps the most vocal critic of the old "regime": Hyperbole is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and the complete works of Karl Marx. Regrettably, Hyperbole has not been in IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from him, so we have decided that when asked to comment, he said, "I feel like Moses, leading my people to the promised land," and we must say that he does look like Moses, except Moses probably wore more clothes and bathed more frequently. He was chosen because: The Cabal wishes him to suffer. Lyrithya, perhaps the most unsettlingly strange Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick (after Modusoperandi): Lyrithya is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and a large banana. Regrettably, Lyrithya has been in the IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from her; when asked to comment she said, "The temporary admins all suck," and we must say that they do all suck; real admins probably wear more clothes and bathe more frequently. She was chosen because: She moans more than anyone else in the history of the human race and the Cabal wishes her to suffer. PuppyOnTheRadio, perhaps the most Australian Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: PuppyOnTheRadio is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and <insert relevant Australian stereotype here>. Regrettably, PuppyOnTheRadio escaped from his bonds before our editor could extract a quote from him, so we have decided he said, "Crikey mates! This sheila ain't half crowded by ankle biting nongs!," and we must say that we would agree entirely if we knew what that means. He was chosen because: He is not a poofter and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, perhaps the most active Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: Socky is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and pair of cat ears. Regrettably, Socky destroyed the reactor core before our editor could He was chosen because: He r0xxorz our sox0rrz and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. The Winners: Rcmurphy, Under user, Codeine and Thekillerfroggy. The less said about them, the better. It returns
The one hour writing competition, originally conceived by Dr. Skullthumper last year (details here) and the European version of the same, hosted by Mordillo shortly afterwards (details here), is returning to Uncyclopedia very shortly. While no firm date has yet been fixed for the competitions, investigative reporting reveals that it is being planned for later this month or early next month, or perhaps the month after that. You are urged to watch the forums and anticipate with mounting anticipation the announcement of a date for the competition. In other news: ChiefjusticeDS is the best admin of all time, it's snowing and Roman Dog Bird still sucks balls. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 03:05, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
AdminBots presents: The UnSignpost[edit source]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
March 17th, 2011 • Issue 112 • <insert name here>'s favourite periodical! Ever!!
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General news round-up
It has been another action-packed week on Uncyclopedia! As is our custom on such busy news weeks, the UnSignpost isn't reporting anything in particular. Uncyclopedians all over the world were shocked to see VFH be placed under Martial Law, a development unseen since 2009. Uncyclopedia actually sucked so much that the VFH page stacked up a staggering 26 nominations at one time. Our reporters planned to attend an emergency meeting of the Cabal to discuss the matter, but inexplicably were suddenly invited to spend the day playing water polo with the Somalian Rugby Team. According to our correspondent, "They have such massive thighs!". Martial law has now ended, but it did remind us all of the good old days where martial law was a state of being and where banning Cajek was still original! Elsewhere on the wiki, the temporary admins are still the temporary admins and we here at the UnSignpost can honestly say that watching them ban each other and delete pages has been a 24 hour hobby for the last couple of weeks. The wiki has also braced for the Great Image Exodus. Zombiebaron, having tired of slaughtering articles, has turned his smouldering gaze upon a list of Uncyclopedia's unused images. During the last week, the whole list was available for users to look at and save any images they wish to use; if you have lost an image that was close to your heart anyway, then simply contact an administrator and ask, then ask again when the first ban expires! Above all the Cabal assures users not to panic, to remain in their homes and to be sure to read the UnSignpost every Thursday! Everything else appears to be as normal; Black flamingo11 and Lyrithya are doing a superb job of keeping Pee Review running as ChiefjusticeDS's incredible record-breaking run of apathy continues. Also, people who don't deserve it are still winning awards, but this paper is forced to accept that it will always be thus. Finally, Uncyclopedia cannot fail to recognise the tragedy that has taken place in Japan and asks that you consider donating something to help those who have suffered and are still suffering as a result. Happy Monkey!
The Happy Monkey competition concluded without incident, which is a relief, since if there had been a crisis, the UnSignpost wouldn't have been able to understand why. We spent literally hours trying to figure out how it worked before concluding that it was a stupid competition and that we were above reporting on anything with Monkey written in all caps in the title. Have a look at the scoring table for yourself and if you say you know what it all means then you are going to hell for lying (reading the competition rules doesn't count; words are for losers). However by a process of adding up that we don't quite understand, competition host Shabidoo declared that Thekillerfroggy had won. A lot of hard work went into this competition from everyone involved, and as such, it deserves nothing but your contempt; hard work hasn't ever gotten anybody anywhere they wanted to be and that's a fact! Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to the worst 100 list for this year! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the list when new things happen. Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to Benson's House of Pancakes! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the forum immediately. |
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~ 05:13, 17 March 2011
Madden 12[edit source]
Took a quick read over it and I must say, it's greatly improved, very impressive. I didn't really see anything wrong that comes to mind, but if you're intending to try and feature this, might want to get it to pee review again to get a second opinion. However, I really do think you've made it a lot better and it made me, someone who's not all knowledgable about football, laugh. Good job. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 
20:31, March 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Well thanks. I'm going to look it over at some point later and either mainspace it or put it up for Pee once more. Thanks again. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:39, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpostOnTheDelivery[edit source]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
March 24th, 2011 • Issue 113 • 83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
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The Apocalypse will be televised
 Hello folks, I don't usually write this, but at the time of writing, there's only 3 days left till this It certainly has been an interesting week; for starters, the April Fool's ideas have been coming in thick and fast - so far, people seem very vocal about switching the site's skin to the Wikia one, which people are naturally rather divided about in equal measure - your dear Editor personally thinks that showing people what the world would be like if Hitler won the war is obviously a winner; all hail the Wikia skin. Meanwhile, our The Hourly writing contest came and went; amazingly, 5 out of 7 articles made the cut, thanks in no part to cronyism or vote-rigging, let me assure you. Indeed, the result was so encouraging that another one is planned for the near future, so if you have the time and inclination to wake yourself up at 4am to ultimately have the fruits of your labour ruthlessly shot down in flames and extricated from the site, please do so. Finally, Armageddon was narrowly avoided this week after Lyrithya decided the best use of her temporary adminship would be to nuke VFD - resulting in the already teetering Wikia servers completely shitting themselves due to the article having OVER NIIINE THOUSAND edits (actually, over 96,000), and thus making the article restoration page fail to load. Hence, a wave of panic ensued both on the Village Dump and the evil perpetrator's talk page until Olipro managed to trick MediaWiki into restoring it through a spot of form element manipulation. Everyone has AIDS: A Zombiebaron Editorial
 The red and the green clouds moved swiftly over the statue of King Fooodup, dissolving all of the bronze, and as the bronze dissolved, the clouds grew bigger. Slowly, Captain Thunder inhaled his Pethefon62 capsule, careful to remain hidden and quiet. Closing his eyes, the captain began the familiar countdown from 62 while mentally mapping out his next moves. This was the moment that Yonderfluff had been waiting for, and now he did not hesitate to unsheathe his ceremonial vorpal flaming dagger +5 and plunge it deep into the unsuspecting captain's evil heart, while screaming, "EVERYONE HAS AIDS!!!!" Finally Yonderfluff had killed the man who had killed him in an alternate universe twelve million years earlier. The harvest on Mars that year was mighty, and Earth's moon exploded. Hey guys! Thanks for reading this except from a new trilogy of non-fiction books that I am currently writing as part of my job. The books are based on the events of World War I. This is an excerpt from last page of the last book. Please let me know what you think of it on my talkpage! At the Village Stocks  Over at Wikipedia they have their very own page to tribute the idiocy of their administrators. It even has a cute template to declare that they are trying to be amusing. We need no cute template and we need no stocks, either, since saying our administrators are foolish would be cause for immediate execution under the 'hedonistic-fascist-aristocratic-regime-that-refuses-to-recognise-my-brilliance' act of 2011. However for this week, we have made a special exception and Lyrithya is going to be the lucky administrator to be on the receiving end, having done something so monumentally stupid that it appears in two UnSignpost stories and takes up the entire "From our logs" section for this week. Normal people, when hearing someone in the pub say, "Wouldn't it be funny if we went to Canada and pretended to be bears for 2 years?" would laugh and imagine how stupid actually doing that would be. Lyrithya is not such a person, and would already have bought a bear costume and be paddling about in Canadian rivers catching Salmon before you could say 'nitwit'. The metaphorical bear costume and river in Canada for this week is VFD, and the hilarious suggestion the deleting of the same. Lyrithya did it, couldn't fix it because of the massive edit history, and would probably still be trying to fix it had Olipro not stepped in and saved the day. What a clot. As a brief footnote, thanks to everyone who took part in the hourly writing competition. The European one has now hit the village dump, so if you weren't able to take part last time, you now have no excuse. |
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~ 10:12, 24 March 2011
This is your UnSignpost speaking[edit source]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
March 31st, 2011 • Issue 114 • Journalism sighted ahead!
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Farewell
 Everything that has a beginning has an end, with the possible exception of the autobiography of Wayne Rooney; our literary correspondent was unable to complete it after an unfortunate fire rendered the text The sun is now setting on the time of the temporary admins. For the last month, they have all been mucking in with the rest of the administrators and eating other people's biscuits at the weekly cabal meetings and now it is time for them to go. On Friday the bureaucrats will arrive and the mythical user rights log will appear on recent changes for the gratification of the eagle-eyed Uncyclopedian. So how did they do? Sources close to the temporary admins have chosen to move further away because of the smell, so we haven't been able to ask them anything. The occupational hazard of needing to know things has never stopped the relentless march of journalism before, however, and today shall be no exception. Hyperbole, the eternally wronged victim of Uncyclopedia, has been deleting and banning consistently over the last month and has generally been annoyingly useful. Reportedly he has been "asking questions" when he doesn't know something; clearly he is not sysop material. Lyrithya has been the most visible temporary admin, and her screams at the last Cabal meeting as she was punished for deleting VFD were described as "Most invigorating" by Mhaille, who, due to the nature of that quote, has expressed a wish to remain anonymous. Curiously, despite her undiscriminating use of the delete button, Lyrithya seems inordinately keen not to ban users for long periods of time, citing "Feeling sorry for them" as her reason. Clearly she is not sysop material. ChiefjusticeDS is a very delusional man. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user has been a useful admin and, intelligently, has not drawn attention to himself; an ideal candidate for the mantle of sysop. He is, however, from Belgium; make of that what you will. PuppyOnTheRadio doesn't know what a sysop is, but thinks that it would be a splendid way to spend an afternoon, so he has. He has been the least active of the temporary admins and thus is the most obvious candidate for induction to the order. He is Australian, by the way, from Australia. Ask him about his pet Kangaroo, he must have one, he is an Australian from Australia. Olipro was good enough to give his thoughts to the UnSignpost, saying, "And thus, our great experiment in finding out what happens if you rig yourself to a bomb and give the detonator to a pack of monkeys is over." See you next week, hopefully April Fools Day will happen before then and it will be brilliant, because if there is one thing Uncyclopedia is not short of, it is fools.... and days for them to be fools on. Competition Season
 There is something in the air at Uncyclopedia - it's the smell of competition... and cheese. This is the news that over the next month there will be several competitions to encourage creativity and general brilliance from the community. The first of these is the second round of the hourly writing competition, the first round of which ran a couple of weeks ago. Entrants have an hour to write an article and then a further hour is given over to voting to delete or keep those articles. The last round ran very well, with the majority of the articles entered being kept as a result. If you want to take part in the second round then you only need to sign up here... and then turn up on Saturday. The other competition is Zombiebaron's Imagery Extravaganza, a brand new competition surprisingly being run by Zombiebaron. It is very similar to the PLS and will hopefully encourage the creation of plenty of high quality images, which we can then delete and forget about. So if you aren't planning on creating a single new article/image in the next few weeks and throwing it onto the great bonfire of creativity which, as we all know, is burning at the core of Uncyclopedia, then you should definitely think about it. Probably. Unless you don't want to, which is cool, I guess. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:13, 31 March 2011
UnNews[edit source]
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I just peed on something you wrote. I apologize profusely for that.
I'll attempt to control my bladder in the future. No promises though |
Just reviewed your UnNews. Please don't hate me. 
(talk) 23:18, March 31, 2011 (UTC)
- I literally just got done thanking you for this. Might as well do it here too: thanks. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:29, April 1, 2011 (UTC)
Guildy, Guildy, Guildy[edit source]
How goes your schooling? Did you ever see this rewrite I did? It should be right up yout street, and a nice companion piece to your (much better) Kurosawa article. --Black Flamingo 21:25, April 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Yes, I just read it, and I think it's great. I actually just wrote something on your wall regarding it--I guess answer there, or something. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:47, April 1, 2011 (UTC)
UnNews:Madden 12 to feature new Lockout Mode[edit source]
If you create an UnNews on March 13 (Wrote this earlier today--I'm going to finish it tomorrow) and file it on April 1, it does not show up on Recent news. I'm going to move this to your userspace without redirect, then recreate it on UnNews. If this screws up your VFH nomination, too bleepin' bad. Spıke ¬ 01:43 2-Apr-11
- Okay, do what ya gotta do. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:28, April 2, 2011 (UTC)
Terribly creative UnSignpost header[edit source]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
April 7th, 2011 • Issue 115 • What news of the Uncyclopedia Holmes?
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April Fool
 As you would expect, April Fools day is a very important day for Uncyclopedia; since we have devoted so much time to being fools, we are expected to be able to come up with something suitably hilarious for April 1st. However as the evening of March 31st drew to a close and all of you were relaxing in your homes/shelters/kennels and chuckling at the last issue of this splendid periodical, frantic discussions were taking place over the use of the Conservapedia skin that had been created specially for the occasion. Several users found the idea of using the Conservapedia skin to be highly unoriginal, so in the spirit of democracy it was cast to one side and three people decided to apply Wikia's wonderful Monaco skin to the entire wiki. This was an unforgivable abuse of power and position; if you would like to register a protest against such action then please drop into Uncyclopedia HQ where a customer service representative will be able to help you. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Monaco skin and had lives to lead on April 1st, we dispatched one of our roving reporters to deep behind enemy lines to soak in the atmosphere. He returned and informed us that spending a long time looking at the Wikia skin can cause pre-mature ageing, rectal bleeding and sudden blindness, in that order, if you are one of the lucky ones.* The impact of the skin on Uncyclopedia was sudden and varied massively. Some people got angry, some turned off javascript to escape the pain and some laughed at the people doing the above. The UnSignpost was able to visit Olipro, the mastermind behind the reskin, and find out what he thought its impact had been. "It was a raging success," he enthused from behind the safety glass, "and by "raging" I mean people were going fucking mental." After the interview, we departed Dexter111344's Home for People Who Be Trolling, leaving Olipro sniggering at YouTube videos and receiving occasional electric shocks. We are told this is an essential part of his treatment. The reskin divided the community into those who could turn the reskin off, those who couldn't and those who were just so angry that all they could do is create forums about the consequences for Uncyclopedia and the world in general. The reskin was removed shortly after midnight on April the 2nd, apparently because of AIDS. Happy April fools day; perhaps next year we could just leave the Main Page as it is and then discuss how disgusting it is that we haven't done anything for April fools day. *We worked this out with Science. You don't need to know how. I hate you and your competition
 As part of our commitment to being the worst at absolutely everything, we here at Uncyclopedia have taken a new and interesting course in article writing - a new trend of "hate articles". After the huge success of Fuck ChiefjusticeDS, several other writers have been eager to jump on the bandwagon of its success, with Speaking of originality, a whole host of new competitions seem to be hitting the village dump and the Cabal has expressed some concern as to this trend. It reminds all citizens to abide, and to consider that competitions are like Rats, quite cool when they turn up alone or a couple of times a year, but they will strip the flesh from the bone when hundreds turn up at once. The Cabal would also like to invite you to a seminar next Wednesday as part of the ongoing "Obeying the Cabal" series; this week we are focusing on obeying despite the loss of your parents, siblings and pet hamster. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:23, 7 April 2011
Verbal Certificate of "Getting It"[edit source]
You get it. You're awesome. --
TKFU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 
08:24, April 12, 2011 (UTC)
- I never thought I'd hear those words (or, rather, see them typed on a screen) from you. And yes, I am very aware of this fact, thank you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:19, April 12, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: On-time and on top of things... as always.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
April 14th, 2011 • Issue 116 • These are not the enraged monkeys you're looking for.
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Sysops, sysops, and more sysops
It has been over a year since the last VFS, over a year since the last batch of sysops were elected in the tyrannical drama-fest that lies at the heart of the Uncyclopedia powerbase, and now, amidst rampant vote-whoring and election campaigns running wild across the wiki, the voting is once more in full swing. In proper UnSignpost fashion, however, and as part of our continued attempts to avoid overusing self-referential humour and to instead report on something that people may not have already noticed, we have sent reporters into the heart of the storm to investigate these most momentous ongoings. In all of the two minutes it took to skim the scores, it was revealed that people so far seem to really favour Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who already have scores of over twenty each, although they both clearly suck. Voting, however, has only been going on for all of a day, following a nomination period that likewise went on for all of a day and yet still somehow managed to result in the entire active userbase being nominated, as well as part of the inactive userbase, a couple of people only active on the IRC channel who in fact didn't even have accounts on the wiki itself until they made some for the occasion, two users who are already admins and one of whom is also a bureaucrat, and a bot... of an admin. This told us two things: Uncyclopedia standards are evidently still at an all-time low, and that our reporters needed to get out of there as soon as possible and adjourn for lunch, and not just because it was meatballs.
 Awards and contests everyone forgot about
As with all months, the usual awards have all already been forgotten about in lieu of more interesting things. So far, they look terribly riveting, with Matt lobster the only real contender for both Uncyclopedian of the Month and Writer of the Month, as well as Lockdandload taking the lead in the Noob of the Month voting, although he's probably just Matt lobster in disguise, now that we think about it. As such, we attempted to sit down with this intriguing user for an interview, but as he never showed up (possibly because we neglected to tell him), he didn't have terribly much to say about the matter. Meantime, all the other awards, including ANotM, PWotM, FP, EGA, PotM, AotM, UGotM, and NOM NOM NOMotm, are all looking kind of neglected. RotM isn't, however. Go support that one guy along with everyone else, if you can be bothered.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:02, 14 April 2011
That UnSignposty thing[edit source]
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!
April 21st, 2011 • Issue 117 • Please don't immerse this periodical in water.
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VFS update
As is customary when a VFS is running, the UnSignpost has chosen to shun the various non-events that have punctuated the week and is instead filling the space by updating you with information that is freely available to absolutely everyone elsewhere. Remember: we click links and read words so you don't have to. At the time of going to press, VFS has not yet lurched into its 4th and final phase, so we have called in experts to predict which RT: Good day Fred: Where am I?? Get this sack off my head! USP: Fred, don't struggle; struggling just makes the poison spread faster. Now Rabbi, who do you think will make it through to the final round of VFS? Fred: Socky for admin! Argh the pain! RT: Well I must say all the chaps and fellows competing are absolutely splendid. I have watched with baited breath as they have competed in the spirit of manly competition, the girding of the loins and the splendid grunts to show us all they are trying. Despite that, two prime specimens appear to be distancing themselves from the pack. This Sockpuppet fellow certainly plays with a straight bat and it wouldn't surprise me if he hits it for 6. Fred: Woo! USP:Rabbi, do you mean you think he will make it into the next round? RT: Oh yes, that said, the burly fellow following him, this Lyrithya lad, certainly seems to have the spunk to go all the way. USP: Lyrithya is supposedly a female, Rabbi. RT: Nonsense! How could a woman carry out all the manly tasks necessary? She'll be pruning her eye brows and trimming her nose hairs the whole time. Fred: Nonsense, I think she will be a splendid- What?? RT: Women have to prune and trim or they wilt and die! You've seen sheep eating grass, women are like that except they use these little tubes of pink stuff. Sheep are also noticeably less woolly. Now answer me this! Where will she hang her breasts at night if we appoint her?? USP: Quite true. Fred: Is everyone here mad? Have either of you ever met a woman?? USP: No, I've seen them on the internet though! RT: My mother was a woman... we were introduced when I was 7. Does that count? USP: Fred, what about the other nominees, do any of them deserve it more than the two leaders? Fred: None of them are sandwiches and that is what this site and society in general sorely need. USP: Rabbi? RT: All splendid masculine fellows, except perhaps Magic man, regrettably they lack the range of this Sockpuppet fellow and this... woman. My conclusion must be that only Sockpuppet and Lyrithya will proceed to the next round. Fred: Sandwiches. USP: Thank you both of you, you can go home now. We'll unlock the shackles in a moment. So there you have it; our editor seems happy that there is a meaningful conclusion in there somewhere, though good luck finding it. Be sure to look for updates to VFS here and nowhere else next week. Editors note: While you are all aware that this is hilarious, we must stress that the opinions above are either based very loosely on what those users have said or have been completely made up in the name of hilarity. It's true. Socky's name isn't Fred at all. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:18, 21 April 2011
UnSignpost: April 28th, 2011[edit source]
Just like Grandma used to make!
April 28th, 2011 • Issue 118 • A brilliant reasonable periodical.
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General News Round-up
It has been another uneventful week at Uncyclopedia, which, contrary to popular belief, is good for the UnSignpost. Uneventful weeks mean we can report in the vaguest terms possible the various goings on on the wiki, a task made infinitely easier through the existence of the Uncyclopedia at a glance page. For instance, did you know that here at Uncyclopedia we have featured 1,731 articles, which is approximately 7%! We don't know what it's 7% of; we aren't scientists. Uncyclopedia at a glance is a splendid resource, which the UnSignpost would recommend to anyone with a spare afternoon and no other plans for their internet usage. Elsewhere on the wiki, VFS has clunked into its final stage, with Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user both reaching the final round. Normally, at this point, the existing administrators vote on a candidate until the 30th of the month, whereupon a messenger is dispatched to the lair of the bureaucrats informing them whom should be afforded the gift of divinity. This Cabal memo clearly never reached Under user, who has started a vote calling for both candidates to receive adminship. "It's a disgrace, if we give them both admin rights who loses? That's the only reason I vote on these things," said unnamed cabal member ChiefjusticeDS, whose voice has been disguised in order that he remain anonymous. Meanwhile, over on the forums, Magic man proposed a meeting of the Uncyclopedians in some kind of convention, probably to be held 2 minutes walk from where he lives, slap bang in the middle of not-where-you-live-'s ville. Modusoperandi agreed with Magic man, saying "None of us are in jail," while Dexter111344 called it a "Horrific idea," which is certainly how this newspaper would react to any idea that involved meeting Dexter111344 in person without the presence of several Police officers. Finally, Dr. Skullthumper has embarked on another quest of utter pointlessness, deploying his bot and himself to "convert HTML" all over the wiki. Pity him. He knows not what he does. Uncyclopedia in the news again
 In an age of information overload and astonishingly inaccurate Internet posts, it's reassuring that at least one website strives to be inaccurate at all times. That website is Sign on San Diego, a parody of a news website which bills itself as having all sorts of "Hot Topics" for the people of San Diego and anyone else who might be interested. Recent Sign on San Diego headlines include: "San Diego's air pollution among worst in nation", "Man robs downtown restaurant" and "Reward offered in transient assault case". This leads us to the article that they mentioned, which was about the "fast-rising" Biffy Clyro, the article is in dire need of rewriting but we know better than most not to let quality stand in the way of meeting journalistic deadlines. The crux of the matter is that Biffy Clyro are playing a show in San Diego, which you should attend, provided you aren't dying of air pollution, being robbed in restaurants or assaulted. The article also mentioned <insert name here>'s sterling and exemplary contributions to Uncyclopedia since they joined. The truth is, alas, somewhat less colourful. Naruto
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 06:18, April 28, 2011 (UTC)
Oil soaked birds[edit source]
Guildy, I just read our oily soaked birds poem again, after not reading it and playing the video for a long time. It's coming up on a year since we worked together on this, and methinks we were both touched by a muse. It's close to a perfect collab and description of the ongoing tragedy (the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico is covered with oil, and the event is still killing sealife on a daily basis). Thanks again for joining up on such an endeavor. Aleister 21:52 30-4-'11
- Sure thing, Al, it was a pleasure working with you. You have the distinction of being the one user on this site I have successfully collaborated with. My summer vacation's coming up soon--how about we get together and work on a little something again? (I have no idea what, exactly, but still, we should do it.) —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:39, May 2, 2011 (UTC)
- It would be an honours. Let me know when the time is right. I'm also putting together, or will soon, a group to work on HowTo:Fuck using the topics linked in the multi-linked paragraph in People Who Like to Fuck Naked, would you like to join that bumbling mob? Black Flamingo reminded me to get onto that, and I shall heed his advice. Aleister 23:29 7-5-'11
- Perhaps, depending on the direction you or others want to take the article. A little something that just you and I work on together would be cool as well, though, a la Oil Soaked Birds. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:10, May 9, 2011 (UTC)
- It would be an honours. Let me know when the time is right. I'm also putting together, or will soon, a group to work on HowTo:Fuck using the topics linked in the multi-linked paragraph in People Who Like to Fuck Naked, would you like to join that bumbling mob? Black Flamingo reminded me to get onto that, and I shall heed his advice. Aleister 23:29 7-5-'11
Signpost Un[edit source]
Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
May 5th, 2011 • Issue 119 • I sense a great disturbance in the force.
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VFS ends. Apathy grips wiki.
 Those of you who were busy having sex with ladies/men/melons on Saturday evening will have stumbled onto the wiki and discovered that there are in fact two new administrators stumbling around the wiki. Since none of you can find things out for yourself, you have sat, baffled, waiting for the UnSignpost to arrive like a beacon: VFS has drawn to a conclusion and the unlucky losers are Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. Following the announcement and the ritual slaying of a goat that Zombiebaron always insists upon before any new administrators may make use of their powers, the two victors went straight back to what they had been doing before - looking at depraved images on the internet, categorising, looking at fetish porn and indeed categorising fetish porn. Scandal immediately ensued; administrators do not categorise. This not being enough, however, the UnSignpost has taken to the streets of Uncyclopedia to find out what the community thinks about the new additions to the Cabal. The first place our journalists visited was the Ministry of Love, which stands at the centre of Uncyclopedia's financial district, or it would if Uncyclopedia had a financial district. We were thrilled to speak to the duty Cabal representative Zombiebaron, who, when pressed about the empirical significance of the VFS result, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed "Zombiebaron". It would seem that a great deal of things are in fact Zombiebaron: the likelihood of the new administrators being embroiled in scandal and VFS voting in general, to name but a few. We also got the opportunity to sit down with Mhaille after he fell out of a vent as we were leaving and find out what he thought of Lyrithya and Socky being administrators. "In theory its a nice idea, but I wouldn't like to see it in practice" he replied "There are far more deserving people who have only recently discovered the site and hold overinflated opinions of themselves who would be better suited". Before we could explain that the VFS has actually taken place, Mhaille collapsed from dehydration and, not wishing to make a fuss, we left him in the lobby. It turns out nobody is particularly bowled over by the result of the VFS; the result having been obvious for about 2 weeks now, this lead to the announcement being met with grunts and sighs about "The state of things". We decided to see what Socky and Lyrithya had to say about their new powers. "It feels invigorating. Though somehow, I hardly feel a difference," mused Socky. "It's like being castrated" he added... with his eyes. Lyrithya, meanwhile, was not available to comment, which shows that she is taking her new role seriously, namely by leaving shortly after being appointed in the style of the greats of 2006. Mordillo is Dead!  Uncyclopedia's most Mordillo, who had been hunted by Uncyclopedia since disappearing into hiding in early March, died in the early hours of Monday morning (local time) after a group of 25 US Navy SEALS breached his lavish compound in Abbottabad. The Cabal has yet to acknowledge the death of one of their most senior members of staff; this is simply because they are all far too busy crying. Some conspiracy theorists have suggested that Mordillo was extracted from the safehouse in the early hours of Sunday morning and replaced with Osama Bin Laden. These lunatics cite the bearded aspect of the victim and his radical Islamic tendencies, which we cannot now see, as so-called "evidence". Rumours that Mordillo has fled to western Europe are unconfirmed drivel and you are discouraged from looking for him without a submarine, since his body was buried at sea in order to save you footing the bill for having any photographs developed. Uncyclopedians around the world have been warned to brace themselves for possible retaliation from Mordillo's cohorts and reminded to live in abject fear of authority at all times. For now you can sleep peacefully in your beds at night because Mordillo is certainly dead, oh yes, can't get much more dead than the dead he is now... |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:21, 5 May 2011
Guten Tag[edit source]
And how are you? --
Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 23:22, 7 May 2011
- I'm alright--I leave school for the summer in two-and-a-half days, and because I have no summer job lined up I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing a lot of writing for Uncyclopedia in the very near future. How about yourself? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:26, May 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Me and you actually have a lot in common. We both don't have summer jobs, and we both write a lot for Uncyclopedia. Beyond that, I dunno, probably some other things too. --
TKFU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 
10:06, May 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, we both like a lot of music. (I'm pretty sure you like a lot of music, seeing as a great portion of your articles are on things like Modernist composers and Led Zeppelin songs and terms used for musical dynamics and the like. So, um, yeah.) —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:17, May 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Good guess, I'm actually a music minor, if that counts for anything in life. Didn't know you were so into it yourself, I just always assumed you were a film person. -- TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 12:20, May 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Interesting--I suppose that explains how you know so much about people like Milton Babbitt, though. (The only reason I'm aware of him is because a couple friends of mine are studying music in college/university as well.) What else are you studying? I'm double majoring in English and History, and initially intended to minor in German as well before my school altered the sequencing of various classes and things and totally screwed that up for me. (I also briefly considered minors in Political Science and Philosophy with a concentration in aesthetics, but not for very long.) So, um, yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:05, May 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Oh, and I am into film, obviously, but I've written a a few band articles myself, some better than others. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:07, May 13, 2011 (UTC)
- English and music for me. Yay English majors! -- TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 16:30, May 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Hurray! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:38, May 13, 2011 (UTC)
- So are you German? --
Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 00:26, 22 May 2011
- No, not quite. I'm from upstate New York, actually. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:01, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm from Canada. Guelph, Ontario. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 23:19, 22 May 2011
- Oh, cool. One of my high school ex-girlfriends' friends goes to the university in Guelph. Small world, I guess. Not that that connection is really all that significant, but still. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:22, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
- I moved from Guelph to Unionville nearly two months ago. Unionville is quieter than Guelph. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 05:52, 6 July 2011
- I moved from Guelph to Unionville nearly two months ago. Unionville is quieter than Guelph. --
- Oh, cool. One of my high school ex-girlfriends' friends goes to the university in Guelph. Small world, I guess. Not that that connection is really all that significant, but still. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:22, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm from Canada. Guelph, Ontario. --
- No, not quite. I'm from upstate New York, actually. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:01, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
- So are you German? --
- Hurray! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:38, May 13, 2011 (UTC)
- English and music for me. Yay English majors! --
- Good guess, I'm actually a music minor, if that counts for anything in life. Didn't know you were so into it yourself, I just always assumed you were a film person. --
- Well, we both like a lot of music. (I'm pretty sure you like a lot of music, seeing as a great portion of your articles are on things like Modernist composers and Led Zeppelin songs and terms used for musical dynamics and the like. So, um, yeah.) —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:17, May 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Me and you actually have a lot in common. We both don't have summer jobs, and we both write a lot for Uncyclopedia. Beyond that, I dunno, probably some other things too. --
The Signpost is delivered to all God-fearing citizens[edit source]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
May 12th, 2011 • Issue 120 • Now with no liberal bias!
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Uncyclopedia  After coercing my children/wife into silence and praising the lord Jesus Christ for my newspaper, my toothpaste, the constitution and this great nation, I decided that some time on the internet would bring the morning to an appropriately spiritual conclusion. "Praise the Lord," I murmured as the computer hummed into life; all seemed right in the world as the Lord unendingly smote the unrighteous in my desktop background. Conservapedia recognises that liberalism is spreading and nowhere is this more obvious than Uncyclopedia, which mocks the Lord by using one of his divine creations (a potato) for a logo and being entirely dedicated to spreading lies and half-truths, something we know nothing about at Conservapedia. The site is a temple of blasphemy, gayness and, inevitably, liberalism. As I was being disgusted by the liberalism of the font on the main page and the colour of the links, I was astounded to come across a man asking other men to risk their virtue in a game of strip poker with him. All young men should take heed and embrace God, not Olipro. Poker is also for girls. The so-called forums (a liberal Greek invention) harbor further discussion of user rights; the liberals are erecting their false idols and they venerate these idols and bestrew them with titles. The discussion of the week was over who was the most liberal of the most liberal liberals and which of them should be raised above the others for further worship. Words fail; I had lied to myself (a sin for which I shall be punished) that liberalism was a passing fad, but these people are obsessed with the restriction of their spiritual and physical abilities through their hollow attempts at humor. This Zombiebaron will get his reward in Hell. His very username mocks the Almighty and he shall be punished for his attempted levity. This community is a threat to children, happiness and America. Don't burn with them.  This community of half-wits, liberals, crazies and liberals will burn in Hell, but until that glorious moment of candescence, it is as well that they amuse themselves and only incriminate themselves further in the eyes of the Lord (I do not want to meet any reformed crazies in Heaven). One of Uncyclopedia's faux Gods, MadMax, has conceived a competition to amuse the masses and likely stir homosexual feelings within them. Notice we used the word conceive because it is the only thing MadMax, who is an ABORTIONIST, probably, will ever conceive. Here is how this competition will work: users will spawn articles of varying levels of depravity and sin, which will then be judged by a group of judges, unelected no less, who will select the article containing the most depraved acts and leather harnesses in which unmentionable acts will be perpetrated to be the victor. The person with the worst article is eliminated, sadly only from the competition, and the winners go on to face each other in some kind of orgy to see who will be the winner. This festival of depravity has been going on since last Sunday and this correspondent has no doubt that the only reason it is not finished yet is because liberals are famously lazy, a well known symptom of atheism and pro-choice views. We did not sit down with MadMax to discuss this competition; it was bad enough reading about it. MadMax has indicated his intention to hold the competition again on a larger scale if the trial goes well. We wish him the best of luck and an eternity in the very deepest pit of Hell. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:43, 12 May 2011
Scripts and script form[edit source]
Since you recently made a script thing (at least, it seems recent) and cared about the format, unlike most folks, I suppose I should tell you that I made some templates for formatting UnScripts that should be a lot easier to use than straight-up css as well as give more options (such as adding images and whatnot) than preformatted text. You can see them in use with Ljlego's The Socialer Network and Funnybony's Lunar Launch - how do they look? Think you'll have nay use for the templates? Any input on how they could be improved would also be appreciated, for that matter. ~ 23:49, 17 May 2011
- Yeah, 'recently' was in, like, January. Anyway, both those templates seem to work just fine, and they look great in the two articles they've been used in thus far. At the moment I have an idea for another UnScript floating around my head--if and when I write it, I intend on making use of your templates. So, yeah, I like them. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:19, May 18, 2011 (UTC)
- Yay, I'm useful or something! *flails around happily* Thanks. ~ 01:45, 18 May 2011
- Yay, I'm useful or something! *flails around happily* Thanks. ~
UnSignpost[edit source]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
May 19th, 2011 • Issue 121 • The place where news goes to die!
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Voting Takes a Back Seat
Recently the UnSignpost has been made aware of an alarming development with potentially devastating consequences: Voting for monthly awards is less important than drama. As everyone flocked to the forums this week to register their morally outraged stance at the present system or at the people who are morally outraged at the present system, the UnSignpost headed to the award pages that time forgot, to take in the atmosphere and canvas the nominations for this month. The first page we looked at was Playwright of the month, an award for the author of the best UnScript this month. Recipients of this award have provided pretty much every UnScript ever due to the general lack of UnScript articles churned out every month. The last winner was Guildensternenstein, back in February, and since then voting has descended into n00b of the month territory as this month's nominee Ljlego storms ahead of the pack of er... nobody with a score of "Your Dad is Bi". Meanwhile, Article Narrator of the Month is even more desolate, with no nominees for this month and the last winner being Electrified mocha chinchilla, a situation which is commonly agreed that it is a death knell for absolutely any award. Our experts believe that the lack of recorded articles is because no blind people read Uncyclopedia, and nobody wants their article read to them by Electrified mocha chinchilla; it would be like a bed-time story from hell. The "only blind people need audio because everybody else has a pair of eyes" label has also been ascribed (by a highly paid team of consultants and I) to the Emmanuel Goldstein Award of Excellence in the Distribution of Misinformation, which this month is being contested by a user who isn't here and Dexter111344; unsurprisingly, Dexter is losing (why break the habbit of a lifetime?). Ultimately there are hundreds of awards starving to death on Uncyclopedia as newer users have no idea they exist; there are hundreds of shiny baubles on offer for a user with the will to go out and get them. Incidentally, VFH, UotM, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM and RotM could use some attention, too. Remember, voting lubricates the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia and you wouldn't want Uncyclopedia to break, would you? Also we have a huge selection of ninjastars just rusting over here. Somebody you know must deserve one! The Forum
 Since we have been forced to accept that the forums aren't an entirely useless part of the website, we have decided to quickly zip through without talking to anybody, naturally, and bring you the most happeningest news from this correspondent's least favourite namespace, save for UnDictionary (It's just words, I can't stand words). First up and most important, or so we are told, is the vote for Unimage of the year. Apparently, some of you have been failing in your voting duties, and we would like to single out one person who has failed to vote on this page and that is JackOfSpades. Now, JackOfSpades has been around for the last week and yet he has not voted; the UnSignpost and the expectant world call on JackOfSpades to come forward and explain exactly what he thinks he is playing at. Now while JackOfSpades has been highlighted for his crippling laziness, it could just as easily have been you: Sycamore/Sonje/Romartus. We're going to turn off the lights on the page and when we turn them back on, if some votes just happen to have appeared we'll say no more about it. It would obviously be entirely wrong not to mention the drama we have had on the forum this week, so here goes: There has been some drama on the forum this week. Happy Thursday. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:08, 19 May 2011
All hail The Führer[edit source]
Hi and thank you, I joined a month ago or so, happy to meet you! I couldn't ask for a more detailed answer, since I am a Grammar Nazi in French and want my English articles to be as perfect as possible, although I have shortcomings in that language. I'm a perfectionist. Thanks for the Wikipedia pointer! Hail the Führer everyday! 
Mattsnow 04:14, May 19, 2011 (UTC)
- Hah, thank you, and you're welcome. You speak French, you say? That's pretty impressive. Besides English all I know is some rudimentary German. Anyway, nice to meet you--hope you have fun contributing here. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:44, May 19, 2011 (UTC)
Re:For the Love of God[edit source]
I gave my "friend" my password & he sometimes edits articles using my password. Though could you please use another word for "liberals" & "conservatives"? Also, please add Oscar Wilde & Woody Allen as deities. Please delete that bit about libertarians & the scientific evidence. Sorry about this whole thing.
- Let's see--no, hell no, and no. Now please go and: 1) learn to sign your posts, 2) change your username ('Caufield' is still misspelled, you know), and 3) never ask me to "please" do anything ever again. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:25, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Dude, I was just trying to be nice. I didn't even do anything. That was all my friend. I din't even know about what he did until today. I just asked if you could do that. Apparently you are a douche. If you don't like "please", try this: FUCK YOU.
- Whoa, hang on there buddy. I suppose I was a bit snarky just now, and for that I apologize. However, I think it's nothing short of totally ridiculous that you come to my talk page and are all like "Oh, my 'friend' did all that stuff, silly him, sorry about all that. Now if you please, could you please go and please make all the exact retarded changes to your article that my 'friend' made and I just apologized for, please? Um, what? Why? If your 'friend' did that and you're apologizing for it, why are you asking me to change it? Where do you get off asking me to change things about my own piece of writing to begin with? Why do you and your 'friend' have such a bizarre and vested interest that I use the word 'pinko' instead of liberal? And why are you totally unable to sign your posts? (It's not all that hard--there's a button for it right up there on the top left.) Jesus Christ. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:47, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
- "Buddy"? That isn't what your mother called me last night. The word "Pinko" is bad, but "Liberal" isn't too good either. I think the same thing about "conservative". The reason I think Oscar Wilde needs to be added is because Uncyclopedia is full with jokes about him, so it is sort of ironic he isn't on the list.--Holden Caulfeild 19:45, May 22, 2011 (UTC) (See, I can sign. The reason I didn't was to piss off you. Are you fucking happy?)
- Well, that was unnecessary. Also, I use the term 'liberal' for two reasons. One: What the hell else am I supposed to call them? Two: because it's a generalizing term. See, the whole point of the article is that it satirizes (or attempts to, anyway) the very broad generalizations you have to make to get something like a D&D-style fantasy roleplaying game to work. In the latest edition of D&D, for instance, your character has to be shoehorned into one of two 'good' flavors, two 'evil' flavors, or be 'neutral'. Every moralistic stance and position, boiled down to five generalized groups. Likewise, in D&D:IRL, there are just the handful of over-generalized political positions to choose from, as well as just 'good', 'evil', and 'neutral'. See the point? I hope so. And the whole Oscar Wilde thing became passe in, like, 2006. Oscar Wilde was passe when I joined here two and a half years ago, and was passe when I wrote that article two years ago. The main reason for this is because the whole Oscar Wilde pseudo-meme really isn't all that funny, and actually rather annoying if you think about it. So, yeah, that's my response. I'd also like to suggest that if you find yourself to be such a comedic genius that you feel the need to tell me--a user with nearly 40 features and 2 1/2 years under his belt--what to do, that you write something original yourself. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:16, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
- If I was you Guildy I would make a mark in your calendar in three months time. I am sure 'Holden Caulfeild' will try and renew this 'conversation'..or perhaps his 'friend' will come by instead. Sometimes civility is not enough with certain people. Too much easily available, sweetened fizzy water in my view. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 07:51, May 24, 2011 (UTC)
- Hello. I am the real Holden Caulfeild (the holder of the account, I mean). The person who made those edits & typed everyting above was a different person who got ahold of my PW. He has done this to me on other sites. I have changed my PW.24.62.109.225 19:38, July 10, 2011 (UTC)
- I see. So you are the one responsible for misspelling 'Caufield'? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:52, July 11, 2011 (UTC)
- Yes. I'm also the one responsible for not knowing why you have to be a dick about it.--24.62.109.225 15:35, July 19, 2011 (UTC)
- Is it just me, or are you sounding a lot like your 'friend' and his 'friend' before that right now? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:42, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- All I'm saying is that you are making a mountain from a molehill.--24.62.109.225 01:55, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- I think having your password stolen and account hijacked by a 'friend' who then had that account hijacked by another 'friend' and/or very unconvincingly lying about the existence of these 'friends' and their actions is no small matter. Neither is misspelling 'Caufield'. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:09, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- If you hate the book, why are you throwing a sissy fit over the name? Besides, I'am not lying. This is what happened: He got a hold of my PW. Then he made a bunch of retarded edits. Then, you told him to stop. Then he lied about being the real holder of the account. Then you refused to make the changes. Then he got mad. Then you apologized. Then he made some stupid "Your mother" joke. Then, I discovered my account was blocked. Then, I came here & apologized for his actions, & informing you I changed my PW. You will never have to deal with him again (Unless, of course, he makes his own account). PS: What is a "Pinko"?--24.62.109.225 18:42, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, fair enough, I suppose I've been unfairly skeptical of you, and I accept your explanation and apology. And you don't want to know what a pinko is. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:09, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks.--24.62.109.225 17:14, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, fair enough, I suppose I've been unfairly skeptical of you, and I accept your explanation and apology. And you don't want to know what a pinko is. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:09, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
- If you hate the book, why are you throwing a sissy fit over the name? Besides, I'am not lying. This is what happened: He got a hold of my PW. Then he made a bunch of retarded edits. Then, you told him to stop. Then he lied about being the real holder of the account. Then you refused to make the changes. Then he got mad. Then you apologized. Then he made some stupid "Your mother" joke. Then, I discovered my account was blocked. Then, I came here & apologized for his actions, & informing you I changed my PW. You will never have to deal with him again (Unless, of course, he makes his own account). PS: What is a "Pinko"?--24.62.109.225 18:42, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- I think having your password stolen and account hijacked by a 'friend' who then had that account hijacked by another 'friend' and/or very unconvincingly lying about the existence of these 'friends' and their actions is no small matter. Neither is misspelling 'Caufield'. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:09, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- All I'm saying is that you are making a mountain from a molehill.--24.62.109.225 01:55, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- Is it just me, or are you sounding a lot like your 'friend' and his 'friend' before that right now? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:42, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- Yes. I'm also the one responsible for not knowing why you have to be a dick about it.--24.62.109.225 15:35, July 19, 2011 (UTC)
- I see. So you are the one responsible for misspelling 'Caufield'? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:52, July 11, 2011 (UTC)
- Hello. I am the real Holden Caulfeild (the holder of the account, I mean). The person who made those edits & typed everyting above was a different person who got ahold of my PW. He has done this to me on other sites. I have changed my PW.24.62.109.225 19:38, July 10, 2011 (UTC)
- If I was you Guildy I would make a mark in your calendar in three months time. I am sure 'Holden Caulfeild' will try and renew this 'conversation'..or perhaps his 'friend' will come by instead. Sometimes civility is not enough with certain people. Too much easily available, sweetened fizzy water in my view. --
- Well, that was unnecessary. Also, I use the term 'liberal' for two reasons. One: What the hell else am I supposed to call them? Two: because it's a generalizing term. See, the whole point of the article is that it satirizes (or attempts to, anyway) the very broad generalizations you have to make to get something like a D&D-style fantasy roleplaying game to work. In the latest edition of D&D, for instance, your character has to be shoehorned into one of two 'good' flavors, two 'evil' flavors, or be 'neutral'. Every moralistic stance and position, boiled down to five generalized groups. Likewise, in D&D:IRL, there are just the handful of over-generalized political positions to choose from, as well as just 'good', 'evil', and 'neutral'. See the point? I hope so. And the whole Oscar Wilde thing became passe in, like, 2006. Oscar Wilde was passe when I joined here two and a half years ago, and was passe when I wrote that article two years ago. The main reason for this is because the whole Oscar Wilde pseudo-meme really isn't all that funny, and actually rather annoying if you think about it. So, yeah, that's my response. I'd also like to suggest that if you find yourself to be such a comedic genius that you feel the need to tell me--a user with nearly 40 features and 2 1/2 years under his belt--what to do, that you write something original yourself. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:16, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
- "Buddy"? That isn't what your mother called me last night. The word "Pinko" is bad, but "Liberal" isn't too good either. I think the same thing about "conservative". The reason I think Oscar Wilde needs to be added is because Uncyclopedia is full with jokes about him, so it is sort of ironic he isn't on the list.--Holden Caulfeild 19:45, May 22, 2011 (UTC) (See, I can sign. The reason I didn't was to piss off you. Are you fucking happy?)
- Whoa, hang on there buddy. I suppose I was a bit snarky just now, and for that I apologize. However, I think it's nothing short of totally ridiculous that you come to my talk page and are all like "Oh, my 'friend' did all that stuff, silly him, sorry about all that. Now if you please, could you please go and please make all the exact retarded changes to your article that my 'friend' made and I just apologized for, please? Um, what? Why? If your 'friend' did that and you're apologizing for it, why are you asking me to change it? Where do you get off asking me to change things about my own piece of writing to begin with? Why do you and your 'friend' have such a bizarre and vested interest that I use the word 'pinko' instead of liberal? And why are you totally unable to sign your posts? (It's not all that hard--there's a button for it right up there on the top left.) Jesus Christ. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:47, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Dude, I was just trying to be nice. I didn't even do anything. That was all my friend. I din't even know about what he did until today. I just asked if you could do that. Apparently you are a douche. If you don't like "please", try this: FUCK YOU.
Phnerb unsignpost[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
May 26th, 2011 • Issue 122 • News? Where we're going we don't need news!
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Weekly update
The big news of the week is that Obama has gone to the UK to talk to some people about some important things. However, since we're stuck reporting on whatever you people have posted in the forums this week, we don't get to report on interesting things like that; we don't even have any blatant bias to crudely insert into any and all of our stories. Incidentally, asylum seekers are no help at all. But enough of those profound thoughts - let's talk Uncyclopedia! This week saw the return of Dawg. For those of you don't know, Dawg is an Uncyclopedian from the days of yore when Uncyclopedians sported in Elysium and all the problems lay ahead. Hurrah, welcome back Dawg. Deciding that the mere sight of his signature on talk pages did not send the appropriate spasms of joy to the loins of every active and inactive Uncyclopedian, Dawg decided to deop Lyrithya and ban her for two years, an action guaranteed to stir the loins of even the most miserable Uncyclopedian. Obviously this was an unforgivable abuse of power and the people demand cake; it's better for you than blood, supposedly. Dr. Skullthumper has also embarked on yet another voyage of busy work as his proposal to semi-protect all featured articles forever sailed through the forums on Wednesday. The UnSignpost is one hundred percent behind Dr. Skullthumper in this, his latest foray into "Doing what must be done despite you all," that is until someone decides it was a stupid idea two years from now, in which case Dr. Skullthumper is a twarse and a racist. In other news, Nachlader has sacked everyone due to Uncyclopedia's poor performance in the last fiscal year, and Bacon is made of Pigs and win. Finally, ebil wikia turned off image uploading which, as any school child knows, THEY ACTUALLY CANNOT DO, BY LAW. It was only for a couple of hours and it only really affected people in America, so who cares? Wikia have turned it on again now, so you may recommence uploading horrible images of yourself/your penis/somebody else's penis without fear of being interrupted by completely unnecessary essential maintenance. UnNews
UnNews is in crisis; with SPIKE absent and Zim ulator likely high as a kite somewhere, there can be no doubt that UnNews lacks a leader. Discussions are presently taking place to decide who should fill the entirely fabricated position at the top of UnNews. Obviously voting is the way forwards, since anything decided without a vote is probably secretly designed to bring the site down around our ears. TheHumbucker appears to be the first choice for UnNews leader, indeed the only person who isn't sure he is competent is TheHumbucker. Olipro confesses himself to be unsure about all this voting; speaking privately, Olipro said "Nobody ever voted for me when I was in charge of UnNews, and it didn't not do me no harm or nothing," a sentiment this correspondent shares exactly, we think. All views are appreciated in this discussion, except views that disagree with what we have already decided. While we are on a completely unrelated topic, get some voting done on VFH; this correspondent is entirely dissatisfied with the lackadaisical approach to voting adopted by most of you. It's almost as if you don't climax every single time you do it... everyone does that right? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
- Hello. Your in-depth pee reivew of the Fred Phelps UnNews is somewhere and waiting for you there. You will find that my critical skills are top-notch. I also did a slight edit sweep of the page with a couple of options there for you. My basic advice is that it's good now, just expand it a bit more to give Fred Phelps even more rope to hang himself. That long pee review tired me, so I must nap now, with a drink and a dog. Aleister 19:46 31-5-'11
The UnSignpost: Best before Friday![edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
June 2nd, 2011 • Issue 123 • The only periodical that calls you back!
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Logo Pogo, what's our Vector Victor?
Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!? Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined.  The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer. The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist". Rank admins!
 Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted. Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:08, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
Thank you[edit source]
A nice pee review, and I will get into it further and work on the page. Thanks for all the spelingg catches too, one of my weeknesess. I suppose it does have to be cut back a bit, sigh, and I'll try to do so without losing much of the information. Too much jew baiting, you say? Can there ever be enoungh? And all the rest. Once I dive into it and come out the other end I'll let you know so you can ignore it. Thanks again! More later, things to do people to see. Aleister 19:22 3-6-'11
WOTM[edit source]
Thank you so much for your vote for May Writer of the Month, I really appreciate it! -- Sf13 0101 EST 6 June 2011
Hurrah, it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
June 9th, 2011 • Issue 124 • The only periodical that remains aerodynamic at high speeds!
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It's serious business
 To celebrate the creation of a new ignorable policy, the UnSignpost is covering all the srs biz that has taken place on Uncyclopedia this week. Once again, Lyrithya and her unending quest to "improve" the wiki takes the top story; not content with replacing the potato logo originally created by Rcmurphy, she has created a forum (yes another one) in which she displays the new logos she has created, all wonderful and three dimensional. Dr. Skullthumper appears to have been so entranced by the the shadowing on these new logos that he is currently proposing that we allow Lyrithya to do whatever she wants, then we can only assume it will begin to rain marshmallows and then Jesus will return so that he may bless the new logos in person. Everyone loves the new logos except for Lollipop, whose home-grown logo offerings have been snubbed... one of these days he will probably buy a gun and then kill every single one of us. The Ministry of Love has a new topic on it. This is news in its own right, but it would be just plain lazy for us not to tell you what it was. In other news, Sycamore has called for all Real Nigga's to report to the Village Dump. Sycamore, who was born and raised in West Philadelphia, was unable to justify this course of action as he had one little fight and has been forced to go and live with his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air. The UnSignpost is sure that hilarity is certain to ensue and predicts that Sycamore may well be writing horrendously bad rap music in as little as three years time. Finally it seems that the in-fighting, backstabbing and constant evil that emanates from all the current admins (with the possible exception of Modusoperandi) has not discouraged users from wanting to be just like them. The UnSignpost wonders why anybody would ever aspire to be part of a group that not only has Olipro in it but also boasts a whole one and a half women and she is maladjusted. The crippling deficiencies of Uncyclopedia's admin group haven't stopped Joe9320 from asking to be one; on being asked why he wants to be an admin, he cited no reason at all. He just does and, apparently, so should you. Also, Magic man wanted to be in the UnSignpost this week, so he is. VFS/B
 When Uncyclopedians aren't looking at depraved Horse porn or voting on articles referencing Horse porn, they are to be found gazing in wonder at VFS to see just what those barmy administrators have come up with next. Well, sort of. Currently VFS is not given over to the process of sandwich voting, but to a vote on whether to hold nominations for a preliminary round of voting for the people to administer the results of further voting, but only if there has been a vote first. In short, the admins are deciding whether or not to have some more bureaucrats. Since all of you have read Jimbo Wales fantastic works: "The Pricing of Index Options When the Underlying Assets All Follow a Lognormal Diffusion" and "Me and my ample piles. Of Money" you all know the ins and outs of the role, but we will remind you anyway. Bureaucrats give out user rights; if Uncyclopedia was a city the users would be the citizens, the vandals would be the criminals, the administrators would be the Police and Bureaucrats would be the people who send Police officers annoying notes about filling in forms and the importance of chilling their packed lunches. Currently the vote is plus four in favour so it looks like voting on sandwiches will be suspended for another month, a tragedy which two months ago seemed a very remote possibility. We would urge you to vote but you all know the form by now, just remember that Bureaucrats tend to go... missing. We sat down with absentee Bureaucrat and hilarious moustache owner Mhaille to get his opinion of the vote: "If you master the 5 D's no amount of balls on Earth can hit you" Mhaille responded before beating our reporter savagely with a sack of wrenches, so there is some definite food for thought there. Cross your legs folks, it looks like there will be another vote coming to your computer screens very soon. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, June 9, 2011 (UTC)
Chicago Seven[edit source]
is pretty close to being well polished. Please take a look if you'd like. And the frat is active in working on two pages, "Muse" and "Boyfriend", with an idea shaping up on the Muse talk page after edits by a few of us. Please take a look, see if the theme makes sense or if you can add and/or subtract from it, and go wild, man. Aleister 1:14 9-6-'11
- Did some more polishing, then nommed Chicago Seven. Long live Abbie! Although he is dead. So is Jerry Rubin and David Dellinger. The five others still are alive, but they are the lessers of these evils. Except for Rennie Davis, who is pretty cool. Anyway, thanks again for the helpful review, your suggestions improved the page mightily. Aleister 11:53 10-6-'11
- Awesome, I'll read the results of your polishing and vote in it appropriately later today. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:21, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks for the vote and the encouragement. I trimmed lots of it, but most of the rest has either it's place on the page or is stuff I know about second-hand and felt needs to be in there to make it a comprehensive real-world page. Some more tweaks and maybe add just a couple more twisty references to the era and it'll be really good to go. I do like it much more after following your advice, so there's that. Thanks again! (and when in the name of all that's unholy are you going to put more of your pages up and get to 40 - I've had the cake all picked out and hidden away for awhile!). Aleister 19:07 15-6-'11
- Very soon--I've been spending the last week or so reading, taking notes on what I've been reading, and applying to scholarships (and Xbox, and friends, and other stuff to the effect as well). I'm going to revise those two articles I have in my namespace very soon, though, and write some new stuff very shortly. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:48, June 19, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks for the vote and the encouragement. I trimmed lots of it, but most of the rest has either it's place on the page or is stuff I know about second-hand and felt needs to be in there to make it a comprehensive real-world page. Some more tweaks and maybe add just a couple more twisty references to the era and it'll be really good to go. I do like it much more after following your advice, so there's that. Thanks again! (and when in the name of all that's unholy are you going to put more of your pages up and get to 40 - I've had the cake all picked out and hidden away for awhile!). Aleister 19:07 15-6-'11
- Awesome, I'll read the results of your polishing and vote in it appropriately later today. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:21, June 12, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Activate![edit source]
Now Delivered Trendily Late!
June 16th, 2011 • Issue 125 • Adopt a mad Bear today... please, they're closing in.
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CURSE YOU!
It's time for the mid-month, mid-week, midnight round-up of Uncyclopedia, named this week for the mutual love and admiration currently flying back and forth on the Village Dump. The big news this week is that VFC has opened for voting, with almost every active administrator being nominated along with <insert name here>. After a whole day of voting, Zombiebaron has taken a commanding lead, racking up 14 votes, with Thekillerfroggy and Modusoperandi sitting in second and third. Our correspondent described the scenes on the page as "Sickening" as the leaders compete to see who can be the most dashing chap and concede victory to his fellows in the noblest manner possible. The UnSignpost was able to talk to Zombiebaron about the race: "Zombiebaron," he stated confidently on being asked whom he thought would prevail; on being asked who he would like to see stripped naked, smeared with Jam and fed to killer ants, he responded "Zombiebaron," and when pressed as to why he conceded that the matter was indeed "Zombiebaron". Moving on from the sickening gayery taking place on VFC, the village dump brings us the conflict and hatred that made Uncyclopedia as doomed as it is today. First PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that admins should not protect forum pages while discussion was taking place, in return the administrative body suggested that PuppyOnTheRadio should probably put some clothes on before going outside. Elsewhere on the dump, Dr. Skullthumper is doing his best to keep himself in pointless busy-work by proposing that we recategorise everything into a set of new categories within a new namespace which in turn will be within a new namespace. The practical upshot being that Dr. Skullthumper has a reason to haul himself out of bed every morning, a truly noble goal; this entire wiki having being founded around a very similar aim. Finally it seems that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 list has ground to a halt and has become Roman Dog Bird's very own personal playground and, as amusing as it is to watch him make entries about his bowel movements, his friends bowel movements, and bumsex, there aren't that many reflections on 2011. Since we passed the halfway point of the year a few weeks ago it was with some dismay that we discovered that we are still 66 reflections away from completing the task before the annual Cabal broadcast at the end of the year. This is a large crisis. Everybody should spend at least 10 minutes of the coming week running frantically around their house panicking about the impending crisis and the consequences of such a large crisis. Someone should also add new reflections to the list, but not before completing the requisite ten minutes of panic. Skully's formspring declared "national pastime of Uncyclopedia" In a bizarre twist of social networking, local user Dr. Skullthumper has created an account on the popular website formspring.me. Almost immediately the famed Uncyclopedia administrator was bombarded with questions about his sexuality, his sister, and propositions of considerable indecency. So amusing were his answers that for several hours wiki contributors ceased editing altogether to think up more clever questions to ask him. "I was looking for a place to gloat about my ban," says Equivamp, a self-proclaimed sufferer of Erectile Dysfunction. "But I was too scared to come on IRC. That's where all the rapes happen. Luckily I found one of the dozens of links to this guy's formspring that everyone's been talking about. Finally, a place to insult Uncyclopedia safely!" But even such a positive story as this brings humanity's dark side to light once more. Kip the Dip has revealed himself to be one of the most prejudiced users in Uncyclopedian history, believing the entire website to be constructed for his people alone. Several anonymous users have taken to slandering the almighty goddess Lyrithya, who continues to shower us with holy goods such as proper bloody code and images that don't look like they were shat out of MS Paint. And as for Skully, the sheer amount of time he has spent answering questions has forced him to forgo sleep for several nights in a row now. Despite these setbacks, Skully says he will "continue to do what must be done", and "hurrrrrrrrrrrrrghCOFFEE". |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
Inbox[edit source]
Oh yeah, I was supposed to ask you; we're rewriting inbox. Well, technically we've already rewritten it but it needs more ideas (and editing). Any way you can pitch in would be great, whether it's adding new jokes or revising the existing ones. --Black Flamingo 23:14, June 19, 2011 (UTC)
- Ah, I see. If I can think of any useful contributions, I'll be sure to let you know. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:05, June 20, 2011 (UTC)
HEy there Guildy[edit source]
Long time, no me spamming you. How have things been? 
Would you like a cookie, sir? 12:49,21June,2011
- Things have been going pretty well. I've been spending my summer reading, applying to scholarships, writing supplemental stuff for my school newspaper, not having a job, and not writing for here as much as I thought I would (though that may change soon). How have you been? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:23, June 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, I've got my college picked out for the Fall and I haven't been writing here at ALL and I still haven't gotten a job either. Also, regular day-to-day stress and distractions, and my year of writing for the newspaper has run out. All in all, I think I'm alright. I need to read more.
Would you like a cookie, sir? 05:38,22June,2011
- Cool. Where are you going to be going to school? I remember seeing on facebook ages ago that you got into some fairly-prestigious liberal arts college--are you going there? I forget. Also, what sort of authors/types of books do you like? I can recommend some stuff if you'd like. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:52, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm going to Lycoming College in Pennsylvania. And, I don't know, I don't have specific types that I like. I read a lot of Stephen King I guess, but then I also read Grapes of Wrath-y types of books too. I went out and bought a ton of used books and now I'm slowly working my way through them. Would you like a cookie, sir? 15:01,22June,2011
- Ah, I see, very cool. And good luck working through all your books. In other news, assuming that the NFL's labor situation is resolved in the next few weeks, I'm going to be running the UFFL again this year--can I count you in? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:00, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, I suppose so. Maybe being forced to look at Uncyclopedia on a regular basis will convince me to get back into writing again. Would you like a cookie, sir? 23:07,22June,2011
- Excellent. The obligatory forum thing will probably be up in a few weeks, naturally. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:48, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Obligatory? Guildy, you can't use big words when talking about football. It's just not natural. Would you like a cookie, sir? 03:05,23June,2011
- Yeah, I suppose you're right, haha. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:04, June 24, 2011 (UTC)
- Obligatory? Guildy, you can't use big words when talking about football. It's just not natural.
- Excellent. The obligatory forum thing will probably be up in a few weeks, naturally. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:48, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, I suppose so. Maybe being forced to look at Uncyclopedia on a regular basis will convince me to get back into writing again.
- Ah, I see, very cool. And good luck working through all your books. In other news, assuming that the NFL's labor situation is resolved in the next few weeks, I'm going to be running the UFFL again this year--can I count you in? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:00, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm going to Lycoming College in Pennsylvania. And, I don't know, I don't have specific types that I like. I read a lot of Stephen King I guess, but then I also read Grapes of Wrath-y types of books too. I went out and bought a ton of used books and now I'm slowly working my way through them.
- Cool. Where are you going to be going to school? I remember seeing on facebook ages ago that you got into some fairly-prestigious liberal arts college--are you going there? I forget. Also, what sort of authors/types of books do you like? I can recommend some stuff if you'd like. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:52, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, I've got my college picked out for the Fall and I haven't been writing here at ALL and I still haven't gotten a job either. Also, regular day-to-day stress and distractions, and my year of writing for the newspaper has run out. All in all, I think I'm alright. I need to read more.
Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
June 23rd, 2011 • Issue 126 • The only periodical that will burn your house down... with lemons!
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Experimental Vectors
 This week Uncyclopedia stands on the brink of a momentous decision, a decision that will shape the future of the wiki and possibly society as we know it. Also, Lyrithya is proposing that we introduce the Vector skin as the default skin for the whole wiki. As is the custom on our planet a vote is currently happening in a forum, which isn't really news as everything around here is eventually resolved in that way. The vote currently stands at eleven votes in favour, with the people voting for praising Vector's enticing indentation and stylings and the against voters complaining that Vector isn't compatible with Windows 95 and doesn't display properly when loaded on a monitor last used to observe the 1969 Moon Landings. For voter and skin fetishist Ljlego launched a staunch defence of Vector, saying, "I hated Vector when I first saw it on Wikipedia," while against voter and Republican Aleister in Chains has complained that the skin doesn't work when he loads it on his ZX Spectrum; he has also found the real problem with the skin, namely, "Those huge tabs at the top, they look ridiculous. " Shabidoo, meanwhile, has decided to abstain, having been unable to make up his mind; his uncertainty about the new skin springs from a belief that, "This skin is much better than the last one." What a weirdo. The UnSignpost staff has switched to Vector and report that they have, on several occasions, found money in the street on the way home; who in their right mind would refuse to switch now? Vector does have several deficiencies which are, of course, all Lyrithya's fault. The much loved and coveted things to do page has disappeared from the sidebar, meaning that unless you search for it, you cannot find it. Incidentally, Science proves that searching for articles in the search box causes Cancer in 75% of everyone who does it. There are no other problems, except that the toolbox is set to be closed as default, Pee review is now below the facebook page link (this makes it appear less important), it doesn't make sandwiches, the edit button is on the wrong side, to watch pages I click a star (this is blatant Zionism), when I click the search box I type in a box inside the search box, and there is no link to the UnSignpost on the sidebar. If you have yet to try out the Vector skin go to your preferences page; you know you are there when the box with your optional real name in it appears. Click the gadgets tab and then select 'experimental Vector skin' from the list. Enjoy. Incidentally my real name is Archer, Leader of the Gorgonites. Fails QA  Now while the UnSignpost staff are currently contemplating a weekly box devoted to Dr. Skullthumper's latest fad for Uncyclopedia, we felt we absolutely had to cover his latest dalliance into saving us from the eternal fires to which we are so rightly condemned. QA is something you are no doubt familiar with; for those of you who aren't here is how to find out. The new revelation is the QA log; this is a splendid log for those of you who love to sit and stare at recent changes. Now you can stare at recent changes and the QA log. It basically catches people sneakily removing maintenance tags from articles in order that they may be punished for their anarchic tendencies. Dr. Skullthumper has said all of the above in forum, but that's what the UnSignpost is for - we read the forums and write a brief summary with more jokes and less whining. The aforementioned Physician would like feedback from users on how his new device works, so in short he would like you to go to his forum and tell him just how splendid it is that he has taken time out from his splendid schedule of splendid masturbation to splendidly improve this splendid site. Some of our readers have written to us to tell us what they think about this new tool: "Zombiebaron," said an anonymous letter. "Who is this?" asked RabbiTechno after phoning our hotline. "Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit. 4 Super brushes guaranteed to clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals." read a coupon sent to us by Under user. "Wow. Now that is VERY useful." read an email from MrN9000, titled "Re:The purpose of toilets" and "Help me. I'm trapped in a post office." wrote Mordillo, who hasn't been seen since March. The QA log is live and watching all of you at this very moment and reminds you that thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
You spiritually voted for visual puns, which got featured![edit source]
-- 01:55, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
The Un-Sigh-npost![edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
June 30th, 2011 • Issue 127 • Kills 99.9% of bacteria.... IN SECONDS!!
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Breasts
 You know what the problem is? You will shortly, because if there's something the UnSignpost does brilliantly, it is editorialise on matters of little or no significance to you or the people you know. The problem is the days of the week and the dates of the month are conspiring against the UnSignpost. As the UnSignpost team sat down on Sunday to play monopoly and, if there was time, lay out the foundations for this splendid periodical, some bright spark suggested that we cover the conclusion of VFS. What an excellent idea, we all agreed, and had completed an entire specialist 3D issue on that single topic, complete with free poster and balloons, when it was realised that we won't in fact know who has won until Thursday evening, by which time this periodical will have been dispatched and our team of journalists will once again be at home wanking themselves raw. So we binned that spectacular issue and persuaded our least able journalist to write the story instead; this was especially useful as we only have to pay him in hugs and Jelly Babies. So VFS trundles on into its final laborious stages; some of you may remember voting a long long time ago when it was still exciting and you checked the page every day to see how your favourite candidate was doing. Now the only people checking VFS every day are Thekillerfroggy and Zombiebaron, and only then because they are winning at the moment. Obviously all that is needed to recapture the attention of the average Uncyclopedian is a header proclaiming the existence of breasts and, of course, exclusive interviews with other Uncyclopedians! Regrettably only one of those is available right now and this being the UnSignpost you can probably guess which one.  "Well I do have a plan," said Thekillerfroggy when we interviewed him about his tactics for being the winner. When pressed, he revealed that "Well I can't reveal too much but I can say that my plan involves being the winner." Clearly TKF is playing the long game, but how about Zombiebaron? "Zombiecrat!" replied Zombiebaron when we asked how he would counter TKF's ambitious strategy to be the winner, which roughly translated means that Zombiebaron plans to be the winner as well. Third placed candidate Modusoperandi is currently sticking to his usual duties: sticking the occasional template on Ban Patrol and posting on the forums where he is occasionally racist; the best and wisest man any of us have ever known. The other obvious problem here is that we don't have any particularly active Bureaucrats (thus why we are holding this vote) to give the newly elected users their rights on Friday morning. However this is a minor detail since the voting is the fun part of any VFS and you all enjoyed that... right? Forest Fire
 As we were saying last week, Dr. Skullthumper really needs a hobby, preferably one that involves very long compulsory breaks from his computer. However, undeterred by such scathing criticism, Dr. Skullthumper and Lyrithya have decided, in the name of quality, to reform the maintenance templates, leaving a queue of articles on the timestamped maintenance categories as long as the list of women that Dr. Skullthumper isn't sleeping with. When we arrived to question the good doctor, Lyrithya demonstrated her commitment to the project by immediately saying "It was Dr. Skullthumper's fault," which at least shows she is a team player. Of course Dr. Skullthumper is far too busy to answer our questions, especially when there are problems to be solved and edit counts to be raised, so he has proposed another forest fire week because if there's anything more fun than sorting through hundreds of articles, it's tagging hundreds of them with templates. For those of you who have never seen a forest fire week it is essentially a week (duh) where users are encouraged to tag crap articles with a tag that gives them 7 days to live. All splendid and wholesome; the only issue being that for reasons best known to himself, Dr. Skullthumper has posted this idea in BHOP, so you actually have to go there in order to read it, sorry. Of course such an idea assumes that tagging articles is fun and I'm sure you will agree it is, if you are doing it once or twice a day. Once the seven days are over you'll wish that there was no Uncyclopedia, no internet and ultimately no choice! So hurry over to cast your all-important votes, and speed us on our way to misery and clerkly drudgery! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, June 30, 2011 (UTC)
Advance Congrats on BIG 40[edit source]
Hiya Guildy! Please allow me to be the first to congratulate you on the up coming BIG 40th. Your Unnews on VFH is already passed and will be FA soon. I'm glad to have helped make it happen by voting for your great articles. Cheers!--Funnybony 16:05, Jul 1
- Why thank you Funnybony, I appreciate it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:08, July 2, 2011 (UTC)
It's free and it always will be; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
July 7th, 2011 • Issue 128 • Why not have some Yoghurt?
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The Final Solution
 The year is 2011, as you are obviously well aware, and Uncyclopedia once again faces a crisis that could very well shake the very foundations of the wiki and destroy the comedic soul of the userbase. Ha, fooled you, here is a story about a forum that nobody except Lyrithya has replied to. You all recall that last week we covered Dr. Skullthumper and his latest dalliance with quality control. Well, it seems that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user took exception to these changes, and he is determined to make a stand for justice, democracy and the The UnSignpost decided not to have an interview with anyone this week as it involves all sorts of complex logistical work and what can be charitably described as begging but rather has elected to have people answer any question with a random line from their talk page that they have said; we aren't completely unprofessional. The first person we didn't sit down with was Socky himself, to inform him that we were running this story. "That's... partially nice and partially creepy to hear." he responded. Asked why he opposed the reforms he said "The dark side is always my choice." which at least explains why he lives underneath a power station. Finally we asked what his proposed solution would be: "All I can say is that it's Arabic and I have a hunch it has "Allah" in it somewhere," he said enthusiastically (we imagine). We failed to ask Uncyclopedian every man Frosty what he thought about the conflict, he responded by saying "They are actually both kinda awful, so whatever. I cant be bothered." albeit he did say this on Tuesday... to someone else... about something completely different. Dr. Skullthumper rebutted Socky's accusations of Article Death Camps by saying "I've been an uptight fucker because I was on my periods" to RAHB, in 2008. Hopefully this will all accumulate with some kind of massive fight, hopefully with lasers... in space; this correspondent certainly hopes so. Competitions
 We here at the UnSignpost were out of writing material this week, and that doesn't just mean we have run out of pens, it means that VFS has concluded, nobody is really fighting about anything and most crucially there have been no writing competitions. Usually you can't move for Uncyclopedia competitions begging people to write something funny in the name of fun and games and with the promise of a shiny template should they do particularly well. Well Thekillerfroggy certainly noticed and it seems that every person who has ever hosted a competition ever was just waiting for him to ask since they are now all fighting over who gets to hold their writing competition first, by being incredibly gallant and insisting that everyone else go first. It's like watching a group of middle aged women discuss who will get to have the last Malteser: "Oh I really shouldn't, no you do it, you haven't had a Malteser in such a long time, I know I love them and being in charge of them but you asked nicely, oh do go on Mavis." You get the idea (obviously in this analogy Maltesers are writing competitions). We list the ideas floating around on the forum below for your 1) The PLS, last hosted by Sycamore in February. 2) The Article Whisperer last hosted by MadMax in October last year. 3) The Happy Monkey Competition hosted by Shabidoo in March. 4) Some hypothetical competition possibly hosted by Ljlego at some theoretical point this summer. One thing is for certain, one of these will happen, be sure to keep an eye on the forums to see what is being held when, that way you can not take part as a conscientious objection rather than just through ignorance. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, July 7, 2011 (UTC)
40th[edit source]
Yay! I'm glad I logged on in time to add to the forum (I put in the cake I was hiding and saving for you too). Congrats, and so well deserved that it's horrible to contemplate. 50, you can see 50 on the horizon! Aleister 16:43 12-7-11
The UnSignpost: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger![edit source]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
July 14th, 2011 • Issue 129 • The Engines cannae take it Captain!
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Now You're Gone
 This week the UnSignpost is the bearer of sad sad news. A person close to us all, an integral cog in the workings of the wiki has taken a leave of absence and now there is nobody to take up the slack. Yes it is with a heavy heart we report that Sannse is hardly ever here these days. For those who are interested there will be a small service on Sunday where we will all have a minutes fresh air in honour of Sannse, on the plus side Lyrithya hasn't edited the wiki in four days at the time of going to press! This forum by super sensitive Ljlego details his intentions to force Lyrithya into a holiday, buy tampons and grow a vagina, not necessarily in that order. For those of you who don't know what a holiday involves it's a very expensive way of going to stay somewhere with unreliable internet, too much spicy food and to be molested by foreigners who smell of spicy food. Ljlego doesn't make it clear why exactly he thinks that Lyrithya needs molesting but it's most likely because she makes a prettier lady than he does. Dr. Skullthumper, who just can't stay out of the UnSignpost these days, has diagnosed Lyrithya with what he calls "Uncyc Fatigue" a condition that in its final stages renders one completely incapable of caring about anything to do with Uncyclopedia. By that prognosis just about every woman in this correspondent's life has suffered from "Uncyc Fatigue" and not, as I incorrectly assumed, "Chief Fever". Romartus called for calm saying that we should "Let Lyrithya decide what she wants to do without pressure". So we should all just sit back and wait for the first corpse to turn up; cut to pieces in an alleyway with "Shifty Eyes" daubed in blood on a nearby wall. In other news the forums have exploded with suggestions for writing competitions, with ideas like "You write an article with your eyes closed!" and "You write an article about pants and then we all vote on which pants article is most pants and the winner can add a picture of some pants to their signature!!!" being floated for your approval. If you want to participate or support an idea then make a point of telling the person suggesting it, or they are liable to forget all about it. The PLS is the one that is most likely to happen and it needs What you should all be doing.
 Hi there, my name is Magic man. Some of you may know me as god, some of you may not. In this day in age, it's hard to know what to do; you've got the media, your boss, and all your friends at school (don't try to deny it, I know most of you are still schoolchildren) telling you different things: What to like, what to wear, who to be friends with, not to follow them home. To be quite frank, it annoys the hell out of me when people tell other people what to do. Unless I'm the one doing the telling. So after reviewing all the opinion columns, listening long and hard to everyone opinions I have come to this conclusion: Really, I'm a great guy and very deserving. All my research does point to everyone giving me all their money, so that's another reason, right there. What's that you say? you think I'm lying to you just to help myself? Noooooo! What would make you say that? I mean, have I ever lied to you? Okay, maybe. But that doesn't mean I'm lying right now. Really, I'm not. Huh? What now?! You say you're to poor, old, ugly, lazy, selfish, stupid or short to give me money? Well don't worry your |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:08, July 14, 2011 (UTC)
Football[edit source]
"Picked off.
Lookout!
Gets passed Manning!
AND ITS TRACY PORTER, TAKIN' IT ALL THE WAY! TOUCHDOWN, NEW ORLEANS!"
- Yeah, Manning did throw that pick, unfortunately. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, random anonymous IP. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:17, July 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Anytime =D
The UnSignpost: Avoid all contact with eyes.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
July 21st, 2011 • Issue 130 • Are you flirting with me?
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Voting (again)
So as we approach the end of the month the monthly award competition should really be heating up and showing us all the great expanses of talent of which Uncyclopedia can rightfully boast. We are pleased to report that this is exactly what has happened; the awards pages are packed with votes and edit summaries complaining of edit conflicts while voting, or at least they would be... IF WE LIVED IN OPPOSITE WORLD! In reality visiting an awards page feels rather like trekking around Chernobyl, sans Ukranian soldier who refuses to take pictures of you in front of all the landmarks; strange mutated beings (nominees) stagger out of the shadows begging for just one vote. However they await in vain as it would appear that all of you have forgotten that voting is actually the most fun you can have on Uncyclopedia, especially with your clothes off. One need only survey the lesser awards like Author of the Month and Potatochopper of the Month to see that this is clearly an issue in need of resolution. Dr. Skullthumper had this to say of the voting problem: "How so, where?" so we can all be assured that it is at the top of his to-do list of urgent issues to be resolved. The UnSignpost would like to be the first to recommend a solution; we suggest that we hit the award pages hard and fast with a major leafleting campaign, which when followed up with a proposal to propose a discussion on the issue of awards pages with few votes to be considered at some hypothetical point in the near to distant future by a committee of individuals elected through two junior sub-committees, will be a considerable force to be reckoned with. Since investigation is rumoured to be a part of the remit of the UnSignpost we outfitted several of our fearless reporters with pens and paper and sent them to find out what you think. Our first call was to the home of <insert name here> who, may we say, could do with mowing his lawn once in a while, and putting some clothes on before dancing to Blondie in the front room. "I was actually just going to vote on all the awards, no worries guys" said <insert name here> and we can only hope that <insert name here> does exactly that, since liars are regularly incarcerated on Zombiebaron's prison island, where the piteous cries of "No Zombiebaron here?" never stop. To update on the awards that have amassed some votes Noob of the Month, Uncyclopedia's favourite award, is exceptionally close this month with one candidate having assailed the dizzying heights of 4 votes and his nearest competitor tailing him at the similarly disorientating altitude of 3 votes. Uncyclopedian of the Month is a Frosty appreciation party and he leads his nearest competitor by 8 votes. Writer of the Month is a much more subdued affair with Mattsnow leading the pack with a massive three votes. The obvious resolution to this and indeed all problems on Uncyclopedia is that we all start voting as much as humanly possible, I'm going to go and do it right now; <insert name here> promised he would and I am inspired by his example, we hope you will be too. Football
It's American Football Season! Or so we are reliably informed on this forum by Guildensternenstein. The news is obviously that fantasy football is about to start again, for those of you who don't know how it works you are probably best to look it up on wikipedia or something because we here at the UnSignpost haven't a clue. Guildy has said "I need a minimum of 6 guys" and he would like about 12 people to sign up for fantasy football as well. The UnSignpost would also like to extend the offer of the post of "Pretend Sports Correspondent" to someone who can, occasionally, keep the expectant world up to date on the goings on in the league. If you want to participate then you had better sign up soon as there are only about three places left at the time of going to press, a working knowledge of American Football is not essential, just ask Neox and the "Well-Dressed Pickles" who managed to go the entirety of last season without winning or editing the line up, despite it containing six of the worst players in the entire league. Anyone interested in reporting on the fantasy football should submit a report to the press room from where, after some minor editing, we will place it into the next issue and claim it as our own. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, July 21, 2011 (UTC)
More class than 9000 schools: It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
July 28th, 2011 • Issue 131 • Happy Thursday
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Forest Fire Spreads, Users Divided
 Now when it comes to deleting crap articles everybody on Uncyclopedia is on the same side, with the possible exception of Jupiterfox. We want crap articles out in order that we can effectively breed a wiki fit for kings and whoever else might stumble by. It is in the name of pruning the grand bush of humour that Forest Fire Week (or FFW if you are on a tight schedule) has come to be once again. For those of you who have been living under rocks on the surface of Saturn with only the UnSignpost to provide you with news Forest Fire Week involves tagging articles with a tag (duh) and then deleting them after seven days no matter what anyone else says. Such is the attraction of sending articles into the great infinite that there is a scoreboard on the forum detailing which of the Nobody will be surprised to learn that this is yet another brainwave from Uncyclopedia's head innovator Dr. Skullthumper who has a vision for Uncyclopedia and it is an Uncyclopedia that remains aerodynamic at high speeds due to the lack of poor articles attached to it. As always the UnSignpost has foregone actually speaking to him, mostly because we don't want our archives to be burned to the ground in the name of quality control. But just remember the good doctor is convinced "Our ancestors would not be proud of us" so we must be going right somewhere. Forest Fire Week ends on the very day that this splendid periodical has been delivered to you; users are instructed to return to their caves and await Dr. Skullthumper's next brain fart, it won't take long, it'll probably be recommending some kind of cyber upgrade for your brain that will turn us all into Cybermen. Then Doctor Who will have to murder everyone with plastic explosive, before having a final showdown with Dr. Skullthumper as he attempts to escape the exploding factory in his personal Zeppelin. It could happen. Users Return. Everything is Ruined.
 So you've been away from Uncyclopedia for a while, doing.... the garden. After a while you sit down and say "Hey my life is pretty average at the moment; I've finally managed to fit 17 crayons into a single nostril. I'll swing by past Uncyclopedia and all the freaky losers there!". So you do and everything has changed, what was right is now wrong that which once wore parachute pants... continues to wear parachute pants. Yes it seems Uncyclopedia isn't what it used to be as literally two users have reappeared to inform us that everything has gone wrong all of a sudden. Yes you should all be ashamed of the mess every single one of you have made of their favourite pages. There isn't really a point to this story, it is more a public service announcement. The other point of this story is to inform you all that our principal editor will be unable to write any news next week due to the impending arrival of several "friends" wishing to discuss some of his unfortunate financial liabilities. The UnSignpost therefore requires somebody to write the whole thing next week, attend the tedious meetings and... well that's pretty much it. If interested you should simply write the UnSignpost, it's easy; help us manage an issue every week for an entire year. It beats having real life goals. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, July 28, 2011 (UTC)
Alright man, I'm in[edit source]
Now, what's the name of our league, and how do I sign up? I have a Yahoo! account, and I actually use it for uncyclopedia. Plus, please help me understand the draft stuff , I need to get used to the entire system again. →
(Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 19:15, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
- I haven't yet created the league on Yahoo! yet--that I'll probably do tomorrow, along with the rest of the draft stuff. Information about the draft with be included on the draft forum topic. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:20, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, lets do this. (Also, get ready to start the Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!, starts tomorrow, August 1st, at 12:00AM EST!) Remember to walk me through things when it happens, ok? →
(Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 12:56, July 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Sure thing, will do. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:43, July 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, lets do this. (Also, get ready to start the Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!, starts tomorrow, August 1st, at 12:00AM EST!) Remember to walk me through things when it happens, ok? →
I emailed RAHB[edit source]
Seeing if he wants to play this year. Hopefully he gets back to me tonight, and we can get this thing going again. Woody On Fire! 
Talking Woody Stalking Woody 02:43, August 4, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, thanks Woody. Let me know what he says as soon as you can. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:07, August 4, 2011 (UTC)
ChiefjusticeDS is a lazy sod and has paid the ultimate price... an UnSignpost Coup[edit source]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
August 6th, 2011 • Issue 132 • Happy Thursday Saturday
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Abandon Ship. Uncyclopedia is sinking.
 Perhaps the very reason why am I writing the UnSignpost for you this week and that it is unforgivably two days late will be the main topic for this weeks top story. And that is that quite simply, everybody is leaving Uncyclopedia. Many of our long time users (If you haven't left yourself!) agree that it was Mordillo that started that unfortunate trend way back in March of this year. Of course everyone was saddened we paid our respects and moved on, nobody thought it would expand to the hip new trend it was become. Because quite frankly I personally believe most users are simply leaving us for the lulz. We were of course saddened as we watch MrN9000, SPIKE, Hyperbole, PuppyOnTheRadio, Under user, Todd Lyons, Lyrithya and our UnSignpost editor and many others whom are either not important enough or I simply forget to mention. Which brings us to the question as to why they are all leaving. Whether its because they've finally got a life, a job and a girlfriend or their simply grumpy with us all doesn't matter. What really matters is you're still here which I am very thankful for <3. All hail your new UnSignpost editor.
Simply because nobody ever submits any story ideas or suggestions like you are supposed it leaves it up to the editor to improvise on the spot. Something which this re-leaving editor is really poor at. Instead he is going to simply whre about how is a better writer than the normal writer. He is better simply due to his profound ability to whore out two bullshit stories that any sane person could see a blatant attempt to fill empty white space. Partically true I guess. When I got appointed this task by This guy , I though what could I possibly write about? Forest Fire Week? VFS? How the beloved editor won three awards last month? Well quite simply telling the story of how I arrived at this thrilling yet totally stupid story seemed like the obvious alternative, and if you read this whole thing. Hail Frosty! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:08, August 6, 2011 (UTC)
So...[edit source]
What time Tomorrow do I autopick for Aimsplode and pick Tomorrow? He seems to have fundamentally misunderstood the 24-hour draft period per pick.--<<
>> 23:41, August 8, 2011 (UTC)
- Eh, I don't know. To be fair, he was banned all yesterday, so him missing the first time around isn't his fault. I'm not sure what he thinks he'll do with this "trade" he wants to swing, though. I contacted Cheddar through facebook to see if he'd be at all interested in making a post-draft trade, and as of now have yet to hear back from him. So, um, we'll see I guess. Right now I'm thinking that we'll wait to hear if Cheddar wants to make a post-draft trade. *shrug?* —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:28, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
- I DID kinda unban him for most of the day Yesterday, as soon as I saw he was banned.--<<
>> 01:45, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, I saw the ban log entry and your reasoning, though I don't think Aimsplode knew he had been resurrected. Basically, if Cheddar doesn't get back to me on facebook by 1:00 PM I'm just going to straight-up call him (his number's posted on FB) and ask directly. If he declines, Aimsplode has till the end of the day to make his picks. If Cheddar accepts and names the players he wants, I'll autopick those two players for Aimsplode (saving him the trouble of doing so) and you'll be on the clock again and we can hopefully get this fucking thing going again. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:15, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
- I DID kinda unban him for most of the day Yesterday, as soon as I saw he was banned.--<<
Totally Unnecessary Message[edit source]
Like you don't already know it's your draft pick by now. Oh well, just dotting my I's anyway -- 17:08, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Hah, well I appreciate the follow-through. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:19, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
What he said.[edit source]
Indeed. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 00:14, August 12, 2011 (UTC)
Sorry man[edit source]
I want apologize for the crap that happened the last two days during my part of the draft. The first day, I was banned. The second day, I had to drive from Florida to D.C., with no Internet connection the entire way. Sorry for the trouble. I read your message on my talk page just now, and I'll be happy to trade them both for Vick (I'm an Eagles fan :D), thanks for the work you put into the situation. If you have anything else you have to tell me, not I'll be out in D.C. Most of tomorrow, but I'm on tonight, so anything you have to say, now would be the time. Thanks again. → (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 23:12, August 9, 2011 (UTC)
More rubbish Australian Prose because ChiefjusticeDS got stabbed in the buttocks by a rioter with a felt-tip pen[edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
August 11th, 2011 • Issue 133 • Stay Frosty!
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And the burning continues
 It is so blatantly obvious that this is the thing to to talk about at the moment, so whilst totally disregarding I may be risking talking about it too much, I give you the latest stats on FFW. Quite sadly I say that our article count as at all time low, if you'll refer to exhibit A on the right you will see where I predict Uncyclopedia will eventually sink. I asked resident Perhaps the most strongly against the FFW So as we watch our article count gradually and then catastrophically spiral downwards think to yourself was the FFW a necessary idea? If in a couple of years down the track you find yourself actually having to emerge from your basement and get a job because Uncyclopedia has finally destroyed itself, at least you'll know exactly who to blame. Annual Uncyclopedia Summer Extravaganza!
 This is perhaps a story I should included in the last UnSignpost but I was too busy whoring about my pro writing skillz and Chiefs absence. So my apologies to those in charge of what appears to be a pretty cool idea for a writing challenge! For those of you who don't follow the dump, this is a writing competition organized by the somewhat over the top and insane Joe9320, Aimsplode and until quite recently Shabidoo who appears to have vacated his seat as chairperson for the tournament. The participants are required to split into teams of three in which they are given a mere 16 days and 12 hours (Yes two weeks wasn't going to work), in which to write as many articles as they can on a summer based theme. Which is to say they will write about booze and sex but I guess the whole summer theme was just a cover for that. The articles are submitted for judging in which the winner will be the judges favorite I guess. To be honest I'm putting it down to the admin team to win simply because they can delete all other entries thus eliminating any competition, but hey that's just speculation. I really hope you're all having fun with the summer comp whilst I and all other southern hemisphere dwelling Uncyclopedians whilst we freeze in this winter, but hey that's what we get for being Australian! Having a riot in London
Would anybody like a free television? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:08, August 11, 2011 (UTC)
Your turn![edit source]
GO! GO! GO! HURRY! NOW!--<<>> 00:33, August 12, 2011 (UTC)
- So... at what point do we give up on Aimsplode and put him on autopick? He seems to be ... unfocused. Assuming he doesn't swoop in to pick in the next few hours, he'll have missed three picks in a row. I'm not sure I want to give him ANOTHER 24 hours to pick after I auto him Today.--<<>> 18:51, August 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Whelp, rules are rules, so if he doesn't make his pick in the next 11 minutes I'm going to make his for him, as that's how that works. I guess Aimsplode has a lot of driving and/or random stuff to do, though, and he did apologize and explain why he was late in picking last time. Basically, he's going to be autopicked for this time, but he gets another 24 hours to make his next pick and potentially overturn the first autopick if he doesn't like it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:15, August 13, 2011 (UTC)
- In case you missed it on the draft page, Splode has been banned again for whining about his last ban. He will not be able to edit Uncyc until tomorrow and, obviously, phail to take his turn before the allotted time runs out. Maybe get his e-mail for the next ban he gets for whining about the second ban which was for whining about the first ban?-- 14:37, August 14, 2011 (UTC)
- Ohhhhh, You pickie now Joe.-- 17:28, August 14, 2011 (UTC)
- Your turn again. Also, RAHB did email me back saying he wanted in, but it looked like we were full up. I would say just dump the Sploder for RAHB, but given that there was a tentative trade agreement between Splode and Cheddar, that may be more difficult than first thought. Woody On Fire!
Talking Woody Stalking Woody 03:33, August 17, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks. And yeah, if only RAHB got back to us slightly earlier. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:36, August 17, 2011 (UTC)
- ha-HA!!!! I'm NOT missing 6 picks in a row! This time, I'm only banned for life on IRC :D → (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 23:36, August 17, 2011 (UTC)
- ha-HA!!!! I'm NOT missing 6 picks in a row! This time, I'm only banned for life on IRC :D →
- Thanks. And yeah, if only RAHB got back to us slightly earlier. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:36, August 17, 2011 (UTC)
- Your turn again. Also, RAHB did email me back saying he wanted in, but it looked like we were full up. I would say just dump the Sploder for RAHB, but given that there was a tentative trade agreement between Splode and Cheddar, that may be more difficult than first thought. Woody On Fire!
- Ohhhhh, You pickie now Joe.-- 17:28, August 14, 2011 (UTC)
- In case you missed it on the draft page, Splode has been banned again for whining about his last ban. He will not be able to edit Uncyc until tomorrow and, obviously, phail to take his turn before the allotted time runs out. Maybe get his e-mail for the next ban he gets for whining about the second ban which was for whining about the first ban?-- 14:37, August 14, 2011 (UTC)
- Whelp, rules are rules, so if he doesn't make his pick in the next 11 minutes I'm going to make his for him, as that's how that works. I guess Aimsplode has a lot of driving and/or random stuff to do, though, and he did apologize and explain why he was late in picking last time. Basically, he's going to be autopicked for this time, but he gets another 24 hours to make his next pick and potentially overturn the first autopick if he doesn't like it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:15, August 13, 2011 (UTC)
Pickee!-- 05:39, August 18, 2011 (UTC)
- Matt Lobster has gone over the allotted 24 hours -- 21:14, August 19, 2011 (UTC)
- You up. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 15:31, August 23, 2011 (UTC)
- Ring-A-Ding!-- 05:27, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
- Autopick time for Skinfan -- 18:51, August 28, 2011 (UTC)
- Unnecessary reminder time. Maybe you could edit "last person to edit wins" a few times before you don't take your turn or something. lol!-- 14:34, August 31, 2011 (UTC)
- Autopick time for Skinfan -- 18:51, August 28, 2011 (UTC)
- Ring-A-Ding!-- 05:27, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
12 Hour Rule[edit source]
We're obviously going to have the same 3-4 people not paying attention to the draft and taking 23.5 hours to make a pick - if we're lucky. I suggest enacting a 12 hour rule.-- 05:57, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
- Can I second this? Aimsplode has ignored his picks every time but once. There was a time when I had as much time to wait between my two picks next to each other as I did the ones far apart. I suggest we start the 12-hour picks round 10 (when most people start looking for backups).--<<>> 11:21, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
Now it only wants you gone; it's the UnSignpost![edit source]
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
August 18th, 2011 • Issue 134 • Have a Dumpling.
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It's Kicking Off
A little while ago, when the world was young and we were actually interviewing people instead of making up vaguely racist quotes, the UnSignpost ran a story on the #uncyclopedia IRC channel. At the time we could have raised issues about it being a wholly separate community where the rules of the site blur into a haze of... haziness, but we didn't; we were far too busy making jokes about penises and the abundance of jokes on the same to be found on IRC. Now, once again, IRC has been thrust into the limelight and a great deal of hand-wringing and swearing has inevitably been the consequence. Yes, this is the news that once again the cruel spectre of drama hovers above the wiki as Lyrithya has decided that there are several problems that need addressing. Number one: she would like a trip to Europe but doesn't have the disposable income, number 2: Uncyclopedia sucks , number 3: there are not enough forum topics about problem number two. She has set out to remedy the horrendous forum deficiency by creating two with deceptively enjoyable titles. The serious point to these forums revolves around the accountability of the administrators, which Lyrithya feels there is not enough of. The forum topics are the usual; huge blocks of text with no humorous comments about the Power Rangers anywhere in sight. It's all very sad and will probably end with someone leaving and vowing never to return. The other vitally important news is that Zombiebaron reports that the Forest Fire Week huffing has finished, a full two weeks after Forest Fire Week finished. When asked to comment on the less than speedy huffage of all these articles, Zombiebaron had this to say: "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron?" which surprised us since we didn't even know he played the violin. Now all that we need to attend to are the thousands and thousands of broken redirects which MadMax spent countless hours creating to make everyone's lives easier. Now he has the honour of watching them be destroyed in the name of making the wiki better. Happy Thursday everyone. R.I.P Roman Dog Bird
 It is with great sadness that we report that our long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin Roman Dog Bird has apparently left for some reason, a departure he announced with a rather dramatic yawn, a shame, as his ban reasons are probably the closest things to actual humour we have on Uncyclopedia. This reporter in particular found his often unjustified bannings of IPs, deletions of memorable pages and general disrespect for authority truly inspiring. On a side note, RAHB decided to return this week as part of a poorly concealed attempt to cover up the disappearance of another partially departed admin, Dr. Skullthumper. We would like to encourage all readers to welcome RAHB back by telling him how much Frank Zappa sucks on his talk page; apparently he likes that. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, August 18, 2011 (UTC)
Wonko tiddlybum-post[edit source]
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
August 25th, 2011 • Issue 135 • Pudding anyone?
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Illogicopedia is stealing our ideas again
In an entirely precedented move, Illogicopedia has yet again stolen our proud Uncyclopedian traditions. Yes, they've finally done it, they've finally taken for their own everything that we at the UnSignpost proudly stood for, making a mockery of our fine establishment by starting up their own newspaper, the Illogicopedian Times. Or restarting, really; Readmesoon et all managed to put out a whole three issues in 2009 before getting arrested for snorting bumblebees or something, or whatever Illogicopedians do in their spare time, so technically the current is a continuation of that.  But even more shocking than that, the Illogicpedia Times is doing well; after the announcement of its revival with the release of a dummy issue and a call for contributors, Illogicopedians have actually been contributing. Almost immediately two new issues were created; while these two were both a little too well-done for a proper ?pedian publication, the worst bits were merged into the first new issue, which has already been released to tremendous apathy on their end, and outrage on ours. But this was plural Illogicopedians, unlike the usually singular Uncyclopedian or two who invariably finds itself desperately floundering for topics to write about for our publications, and as we all know, nothing ever even happens on ?pedia, so how do they do it? What are we doing wrong? The answer, my friends, is nothing. We aren't doing anything wrong; they simply stole all our ideas and used those to write their own, and having not written any of their own in so long, they had all our back issues to comb. We suggest going to Readmesoon's talkpage and mocking him and the other editors thoroughly when they inevitably run out of said ideas to steal; it shouldn't take terribly long seeing as we never really had many to begin with. Meantime, perhaps we need more Zombiebaron. Please help me.
Please help me. I am trapped in a well. It is very dark and cold down here. I was flying a kite and looking up at the sky when I fell down here by mistake. Please send me food. (To send food to Zombiebaron, please enclose all foods within a handmade envelope and address the envelope the P.O. Box 9912203288-402B at your local train station) Urinal issues
Due to a recent shortage of plumbers, some of the urinals in the men's restroom have been backing up. As such, we at the UnSignpost would like to urge all readers to tread carefully in there, and if possible, try to lend a hand in the clean up. More news to come as the situation becomes more dire. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
Guildy, my man[edit source]
I would like to apologize for my rudeness earlier, and I'm actually 22, not 11. Second, technically this isn't the third time I've missed the draft, but the first, since the first to times I was banned for no reason. I note you treat this as the third time by your attitude. Also, this isn't Vick's first season. Remember? The Dogfighting? Got jailed? Came back? Was awesome again? Remember?!
Anyway, I will hopefully make the next few draft picks on time. Unless, of course, I don't. In which case the cycle of arguments and blaming will start again. Meh.
→ (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 18:57, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
- Alright, fair enough, although I'm still curious as to why you didn't draft last morning when you clearly could have. What's up with that? And yes, I know all about Vick's career. Look here:
http://www.nfl.com/player/michaelvick/2504531/profile
- You'll notice that Vick's only started all 16 games of a season once, way back in '06. Also, He was periodically injured in midst of games in many of those 15 game seasons, you'll recall. So yeah.
- Finally, I'm sorry if I went off a little bit, but seriously, try to be a bit more punctual, okay? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:11, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
- Meh. All in good measure. I'll try and be punctual next time. Sorry again. → (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 21:58, August 26, 2011 (UTC) Just be happy I didn't get banned again, bastard!!
- No problem, 'Splode, I'm glad we got this resolved. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:26, August 26, 2011 (UTC)
- Meh. All in good measure. I'll try and be punctual next time. Sorry again. →
Hey Guildy[edit source]
I'd like to be autopicked for in the next rounds, if that's not a problem. —Sir Socky
(talk) (stalk)
GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 20:54, 28 August 2011
- Sure thing. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:28, August 28, 2011 (UTC)
- Hey Mr. Stein, I would like you to do a really poor job of autopicking for Socky in the coming rounds, if that's not a problem. (Also, you're up.) Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 03:12, August 30, 2011 (UTC)
- Hey Mr. Stein, I would like you to do a really poor job of autopicking for Socky in the coming rounds, if that's not a problem. (Also, you're up.) Woody On Fire!
Bench[edit source]
What does bench mean in the draft? Can we choose any player for bench? --ShabiDOO 20:06, August 30, 2011 (UTC)
- I can field this one. Basically, you have bench players for a couple of reasons. Every week, you have to set your roster for the games. During the season, certain NFL teams will have "bye" weeks where they do not play. Therefore, having a player on your starting roster who isn't actually playing that week would be......non-productive. Players also get hurt and put onto injured reserve for X amount of weeks. Therefore, it would be silly to have an injured player on your starting roster. You need to either use a bench player or pick up a free-agent (a player that nobody drafted). They're literally free. There's also "unfavorable matchups", a week where your starting player (such as a defense) will be facing a team or situation that is....unfavorable. You'll want to use a replacement. Star players, especially running backs, get injured all the time. Having a second string RB isn't a bad idea for your bench. What if the team's normal starter gets hurt? You'll have the Go-To guy, who will be valuable. Take a look at the official "bye" weeks for NFL teams on the schedule and draft backups for when certain teams and players will not be playing and gaining points for you. Merely having a full roster of active, healthy players in your starting lineup every week is a key to success. You also want to keep track of serious injuries during the year and possibly draft a free agent who will be the new starter in the injured player's absence. Happens every year. People go down to injury and undrafted players suddenly become fantasy football stars - just because they get to touch the ball a lot. Hope this helps you. -- 20:20, August 30, 2011 (UTC)
Wow, guildy.[edit source]
You double-skipped me instead of autopicking for me, wtf? → (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 22:47, August 30, 2011 (UTC)
Mailman's here! Lock up your daughters and horny middle-aged Wives![edit source]
The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way they did!
September 1st, 2011 • Issue 136 • Sannse is a loser.
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Spambots!
 Recently, an evil army of spambots has laid siege to Uncyclopedia. While most users went on in blissful ignorance, the rollbacks loaded their guns, the admins loaded their cannons, and Sannse took one look and didn't load her checkuser. "You're overreacting," she would have said had anyone asked her, which they didn't. These spambots are known for their random edit summaries and their apparent praise of the wiki, apparent because they have been all too happy to spread the very same praise around other sites as well, the whores: "This really helped me, I know so much now," said one of the spambots when cornered by a bin of potatoes. It later said the exact same thing regarding a deleted page. As always, the UnSignpost urges all readers to confront these bots and tell them they're doing it wrong, that they are adopted and how their mothers never hugged them, as well as that their coding is deprecated and their owner runs them through Internet Explorer, losers. And for those of you who prefer the usual blah blah blah to stop them, that also remains an option. This is just plain Unacceptable!  Drama. You never know where it's going to strike. You never know when it's going to strike. You never know how or why it's going to strike. And dare I say, there are times when you cannot be altogether very sure at all what it's going to strike. One thing is for certain, though; here at Uncyclopedia, we do a bloody poor job of it, and in the name of Klaus Nomi and his immaculate hair, we should all be ashamed! There are not enough bad things going on! Everywhere one looks it's another pathetic little pissing fight about something as insignificant as BUTT POOP!!!!, or a misdirected conservative whining about retards. Enough, I say! This is child's play! Gone are the glorious days of perpetual Uncyclopedia flame-wars, the legends such as Talk:Euroipods forever eluding the minds of today's generation of shit-raisers and stink-throwers! What of the glory that was NXWave, and his numerous sockpuppets? What of the majestic splendor of the great Aspie war? Uncyclopedians, you have disgraced your heritage! You have almost made this a pleasant place to reside! Do you realize that? This week I challenge you, oh alleged patrons of flamewars and troll-being, to take a look at yourselves, and you will soon realize that your true purpose has been eluding you for all of these years. It's time we stand up and yell! Scream! WHINE like you mean it! Whine like you whined on your first day of kindergarten when your mother drove away! Whine like a prom queen suddenly and unexpectedly drafted into the Armed Forces! Whine like your forefathers and their forefathers before them! CAUSE A STIR! CAUSE A REVOLUTION! CAUSE CHAOS! But most importantly....cause a drama. Thank you. Frosty wants to know how he's doing.
He's doing horribly. He is not a better editor than that other guy, who at least had the decency to bring me bribes of frappes and muffins. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
Authorization for Bradaphraser: Granted[edit source]
Hi Guildy, Brad said I should drop you a note about my plan. I'll be traveling this weekend and I cannot guarantee I will have net access. I have left a list of my picks with Brad. I will be gone from Friday until Monday, Brad has my permission to make my picks for me while I am gone. Thanks, Luckdragn
- Yeah, I saw on the forum, though thanks for letting me know directly. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:31, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Any chance I could get authorization to do autopicks? Seeing as how I have the least amount of a real life and the most spare time at odd hours.......anyway, I would have given the Lobster Roy Helu in this situation. No bench whatsoever and nothing but RB's at the top of the rankings.-- 14:30, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Yeah, go ahead and make autopicks. Since I'm back at school now, I'm not going to be in front of a fantasy-football-access-ready computer most of the day, so feel free to make autopicks when Brad and I can't. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:03, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Also, you are up, Tony Bro-mo. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 04:50, September 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Also, you are up, Tony Bro-mo. Woody On Fire!
- Yeah, go ahead and make autopicks. Since I'm back at school now, I'm not going to be in front of a fantasy-football-access-ready computer most of the day, so feel free to make autopicks when Brad and I can't. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:03, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
- Any chance I could get authorization to do autopicks? Seeing as how I have the least amount of a real life and the most spare time at odd hours.......anyway, I would have given the Lobster Roy Helu in this situation. No bench whatsoever and nothing but RB's at the top of the rankings.-- 14:30, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
Autopick for Cheddar time if you can beat Brad to it. I'd do so but I just got back from work and I'm pretty trashed and don't feel like thinking lol!-- 15:08, September 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Time to go!-- 17:22, September 3, 2011 (UTC)
- You again. Pick someone cool. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 20:18, September 5, 2011 (UTC)
- You again. Pick someone cool. Woody On Fire!
- Dallas D was picked in the 12th round. Sorry. You'll need to choose another. (and I was sure I'd crossed them off, too...)--<<>> 22:57, September 6, 2011 (UTC)
Draft Done: except for you know who[edit source]
Anytime you're ready to rock. I left splode a message telling him to pick NOW or you'd do it for him when you populate the league. I did cut Lobster off two hours early and autopicked - If there's any drama. I'm sure we can resolve it later. We're only talking about a 15th round bench player so....-- 14:31, September 7, 2011 (UTC)
- If you didn't notice, you got the "best draft" award for projected points based on the statistically best starting lineups for the season. Better hope it's not the equivalent of being on the cover of Madden NFL lol. I also see we get to face off in week one. Talk about going down to the wire on getting things set, sheesh. At least THAT part of the season is done. -- 20:15, September 7, 2011 (UTC)
This UnSignpost brought to you by... uh... fairy dust? Hmm, we seem to have run out of sponsors.[edit source]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
September 8th, 2011 • Issue 137 • This is still going? How?
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New urinals to be installed
 As you are no doubt aware, having been following the UnSignpost religiously like every good Uncyclopedian does, we recently reported on the decrepit state of the Uncyclopedian urinals. In the weeks since, the lavatories have been undergoing repairs following an in-depth investigation into the matter conducted out of sheer paranoia. It would seem this paranoia was warranted, however, because the entire messy affair was apparently caused by some idiot getting the bright idea to pour a vat of rubber cement down a broken toilet. If you have any information that might lead to the identity of the culprit, please, report it to the authorities. A forum has also been created to aid in the cleanup; if you would like to aid in the efforts, or would simply prefer to point and laugh at your smelly peers as they help install new urinals, that would be the place to go.
Greetings, Uncyclopedians. You may remember me from our previous issue, in which I mercilessly berated the lot of you for being a pathetic bunch of whiny losers who wouldn't know a good drama if it bit them on the nose. Beating the ever-loving shit out of your self-respect, I then left you with a challenge. To "most importantly, cause a drama." Within the past week, you've really shown me something. Congratulations are in order! Rejoice, Uncyclopedia! For you have not only caused a drama, you have in fact become The Drama! Your armpits reek of the glorious B.O. of internet drama, and that reek is really getting me off! Fear no more, for as long as thine hearts remain impure, and your bellies full of Mountain Dew, you shall never stray off the path of utter boorish piss-fighting again! I will make sure of that, watching over your future endeavors of pointlessness like a guardian magical angel with a funny Irish hat. You deserve it. You have reached the very top of the mountain, like some flaming golden eagle, majestically flying across the sky, shitting all over everything in its path...majestically. Don't listen to what your detractors say. Your constant bickering is UNITING the very country of Uncyclopedia, like some sort of annoying super glue that causes a rash if it comes into contact with human skin. You should be proud! You should be elated! You should be madly stroking yourself off at the very prospect of being the very best dramanator the world has ever seen!! But seriously, you can stop it now.
While this should come as no surprise to those of you immersed in the affairs of Wikimedia, assuming there are any of you immersed in that, we at the UnSignpost recently found ourselves quite horrified (and strangely aroused) by the images to be found on Wikimedia's servers after an anonymous source informed us of what currently qualifies as a feature. Specifically, yaoi porn. While for the sake of all our manhood we probably shouldn't repeat the URL here, for the sake of all our women and our gays, we're going to link it anyway. Enjoy, ladies. And gays. For the rest of you, however, there is a very important lesson to be realised from this: our own situation here on Uncyclopedia really isn't all that bad. Sure, we've been featuring an unusual amount of articles explicitly about the male member this week (unlike the more typical ones implicitly about it), but none of them were quite this explicit, were they? No, really, were they? We didn't actually read any of them on account of being too busy researching this other matter for the sake of you lot. We do this all for you! It's all for you! Hello? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 01:09, September 8, 2011 (UTC)
Eh, sorry.[edit source]
Sorry for all the bullshit and waiting I caused for the draft. Fuck me and fuck Verizons' shitty coverage of Georgia!
I'll set my lineup when the trade for Vick is complete, tomorrow. Also, fuck Green Bay! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck......→ (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 21:12, September 9, 2011 (UTC)
Line up[edit source]
Guildy...how are you? Thanks for letting me know about the line up. 1. By line up...do you mean...the players that will play that game? 2. If so...do I have to choose the same positions as you said in the draft...or can I choose just any players? 3. How do I do that exactly...that is pick the players. I went to my team and I couldnt figure out how to choose. Sorry...but I just cant figure it out. 4. With this whole free agent thing...how does that work? I can switch a player for any free agent? 5. Is there a page with the answer to this question and all the other questions I have (I have many many many more).
Thanks for your patience :) --ShabiDOO 22:37, September 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Basically, log into Yahoo! and navigate to your team's page. You'll notice a click-and-drag setup-type thing. Drag the appropriate players to their respective positional slots. Once you've figured out how to do that (shouldn't be too hard), I'll answer another one of your questions. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:04, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay guildy...took me 10 minutes to find the page...but it was easy to choose the roster once finally there! Anyhoo...my defence is "Green Bay" but it wont let me put them into the slot. Is there any reason why? :) (p.s. did I ever tell you that you are like totally cool?) --ShabiDOO 00:30, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- The Packers played Thursday night--because they've already played, you can't start them, otherwise people could initially start no one and then retroactively "start" the players that scored the most points at their positions that week, which defeats the whole point of picking a starting lineup to begin with. So, in short, you can't start them because they've already played. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:16, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay. I guess that makes sense. Whats the whole free agent thing? --ShabiDOO 18:23, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, a 'free agent' is any player that has not been drafted by a team--there are a lot of undrafted players. Now, throughout the course of the season, players on your squad will either get injured or just prove to not be very good. If this is the case, you can drop one of the players on your roster and add a 'free agent' instead. That make sense? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:00, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay...that is an awsome idea. I can do that any time? As many times as I like?? --ShabiDOO 22:11, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Yes. However, You will not be able to pick up a free agent and use him for any given week after the first game of that week is played. Example: It's too late to pick up a free agent that may be used this weekend (week 1). There's also a 2-day waiver wire rule in this league. That means, right now, players will be locked for two days after the final game of the week (Monday). So adding a player today will amount to a request that will be resolved next Wednesday - then added to your roster. Example: You and another manager both try to add the same player today (after the first game of the particular week in question has already started). That conflict will be resolved by the waiver wire number you see next to your team name on the league board. The lower that number, the higher the priority. You'll note that Cheddar and Luckdragon have already made moves, therefore they have numbers 11 and 12 now assigned to their waiver priority. I still have a 9 because that's what I started with. So, if anyone with a lower number picks up a free agent, their waiver wire number will automatically go down to 12 and I will move up the list. More often than not, you will be able to add a player without having a conflict resolved by waiver wire priority. So, lets say it's now Thursday of next week and you want to add someone for week 2. All the players are past the waiver wire lockdown and player adds will be done real time. First come, first serve. You'll still go back down to 12 on the list but that's when it becomes a free-for-all on players. The idea of waiver wire rules is to make it fair and not just default to whoever gets online and makes the move quicker - until Thursday of course. Last year, I picked up a lot of free agents and I only got turned away a couple times because someone else with a lower waiver number wanted him. -- 22:36, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay...that is an awsome idea. I can do that any time? As many times as I like?? --ShabiDOO 22:11, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, a 'free agent' is any player that has not been drafted by a team--there are a lot of undrafted players. Now, throughout the course of the season, players on your squad will either get injured or just prove to not be very good. If this is the case, you can drop one of the players on your roster and add a 'free agent' instead. That make sense? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:00, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay. I guess that makes sense. Whats the whole free agent thing? --ShabiDOO 18:23, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- The Packers played Thursday night--because they've already played, you can't start them, otherwise people could initially start no one and then retroactively "start" the players that scored the most points at their positions that week, which defeats the whole point of picking a starting lineup to begin with. So, in short, you can't start them because they've already played. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 12:16, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Okay guildy...took me 10 minutes to find the page...but it was easy to choose the roster once finally there! Anyhoo...my defence is "Green Bay" but it wont let me put them into the slot. Is there any reason why? :) (p.s. did I ever tell you that you are like totally cool?) --ShabiDOO 00:30, September 10, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Now with free bacon![edit source]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
September 15th, 2011 • Issue 138 •My News Hungers for Justice
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Poo and Pee
As we draw closer to the close of the summer, many Uncyclopedians find themselves casting about, searching for a way to manifest their creative talents before they all have to go back to school and learn how to add up big numbers. It is therefore fitting that two competitions will be hosted this month in order to alleviate the pain in your pants. The first is Pee Week, which began on Tuesday; this competition ran last year as well and was a great success in clearing the Pee backlog down to about 17 pages and was critically acclaimed by all 4 participants. Now, once again, all members of PEEING are summoned to the edge of the bowl to help clear a blockage which, according to RAHB, is "Backed up like a fat gerbil in a small tube". The competition this time has been started by Lyrithya; you know her, she's the crazy dame with all the wacky ideas about "Accountability" and "Standards". When asked to make a quick speech to commemorate the start of Pee Week she didn't say anything, so we made something up: "I now declare the revels open", she might have said. The rules are very simple: do reviews, wait in mounting anticipation for your review to be checked, list it here, move out of parents house, win a template, kiss a lady. It's that simple. The other competition that loomed into view this week was the PLS, our biggest writing competition. It's so cool that some of you may wish to beat box while reading the rest of this story so you feel like you're in "da club", because that's cool, right? This competition is being hosted by a harsh spunk-chugger who had plenty to say to the UnSignpost about the PLS, but as we unfortunately have other stories to get onto this week, we cannot provide you with any of the 73 page interview. Luckily Zombiebaron was on hand to say a quick word about the PLS: "Zombiebaron". The competition is very much the same as it has been, except this year the Best Alternate Namespace Article category has been dropped in favour of a Best Collaboration category, a controversial move due to the poor performance of such a category in previous years. ChiefjusticeDS had no comment to make about this, preferring instead to talk to our correspondent about his new book, "My Shit Life in 4,000 Pages". The competition starts on the 20th of this month, but judges are needed to judge (duh) the categories and there are still some spots available - see here for information and general blabbering about aircraft carriers and whatnot. Vandals destroy Uncyclopedia
 In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia. "I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nanny Lyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*" The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad. The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements, however the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS. "I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya." |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
Brought to you by Lion Bars! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
September 22nd, 2011 • Issue 139 •Lion Bars, so many Lion Bars.
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Lion Bar Week
 All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"! Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won. All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars. Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue. News from the Forums
You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter. The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's most avid voters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right. The other stuff in the forum is about Hyperbole reaching 50.5 features, the site notice being filled with bodily fluids, a bumped forum from about seven months ago and this forum which has been going for about 3 weeks now, and, like the Panda in Zombiebaron's first book, just needs to have its brain consumed and die. |
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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 
07:35, September 22, 2011 (UTC)
Hold onto your wage packets! It's the UnSignpost![edit source]
Better sign it.
September 29th, 2011 • Issue 140 •A Periodical for the Uncyclopedian of tomorrow, today!
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Poo Underway
 What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be. It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you. Shame and VFH
 The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process. Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days. |
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-- 00:53, September 29, 2011 (UTC)
A day late, because ChiefjusticeDS got lazy: The UnSignPost![edit source]
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
October 6th, 2011 • Issue 141 •Am I still on that fecking island?
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It's all over!
Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced! I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal. But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever. JUDGES GET JUDGING, OR YOU'LL BE VERY VERY SORRY INEED!
The bitch is back!
 Oh yes, a phrase used all too frequently to indicate some loser is indeed amongst us again. Tom mayfair, a user who has been largely dorment since 2008 has made an epic comeback in the past week swearing eternal allegiance to the cause once more. He came barging in demanding his sysop powers back (with success I might add) and got right back down to editing again. Good work Tom! But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives. I therefore hate the loser for making a mockery out of us all. We're going to lose our precious talk pages!
Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money! Anyway the petition is 'ere, go add your name to the over 200 that are already there for all the good it'll do. Now back to my sulking about my precious talk page... |
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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:29, October 7, 2011 (UTC)
Hello![edit source]
Hi Guildy, I just saw the scoring on the PLS articles and your offer to do a review. You are right by saying there were some awesome articles on there. That would be awesome if you could tell me in a nutshell what are your thoughts on User:Mattsnow/HowTo:Snowboard your way to awesomeness!. I worked a great deal on it. No need for an in-depth piss session, just a couple of lines like you did for the other articles, if you'd be so kind. What doesn't work? Where to improve? What are my chances with the girl next door? Thanks! Mattsnow 00:28, October 8, 2011 (UTC)
- Sure thing. It's a really solid piece--I wanted to rank both it and Frosty's article on Rutherford, actually, but there were just five spots. (In a normal PLS without double-digit entries, yours would have easily placed, keep in mind.) The reason I didn't pick your piece and settled on the five that I did is pretty straight forward: yours, while being really solid and probably VFH-worthy as it is, ultimately didn't stand out in terms of humor, concept and work like the other ones did. (Again, not that yours wasn't good--I'd still gladly vote 'for' on VFH.) Scofield did a ton of work on his, Acrolo's piece was really funny in a sort of ridiculously stupid way, Nikau's was conceptually awesome if somewhat sloppily executed, and the two top articles stood out in two or more of those categories. Anyway, for your comments: yours was a really solid HowTo:--I really liked how you employed repetition, and the images obviously fit pretty well. It's well written and well executed, and, well, pretty darn good. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:23, October 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you! You're right, the choice must have been difficult, as I am reading the other entries.
Mattsnow 21:25, October 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you! You're right, the choice must have been difficult, as I am reading the other entries.
Back from the dead![edit source]
Or banned, anyway. How've you been doin', Guildy? The Uncyc holding up well without me? :D Now, you may be wondering, "Hw de FACK did dis giy git arund hz banz?!". If you are, the answer is: Get a fucking life. If you replied, "Fuk ur asshle bitch!!1!!!!1!", then: 1. Fuck off. 2. I said fuck OFF! 3. FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCKERS OFF!!!! If you haven't fucked off by then, then here's your much anticipated answer: I can...ah....*bend* IP bans. And I'm a computer geek, so we'll just say I'm a pro at proxies, too.... Anyway, I'll be off. You can answer back here, send me an email, or my talk page is always open.
Good luck with UFFL,
-four tildes lol-
→ (Der_Führerbunker--Wehrmacht Factories) 20:14, October 14, 2011 (UTC)
- Some common courtesy would bring you a long way to not get banned, Aimsplode. And not posting links to porn too. >.< I mean, openly admitting you're intentionally getting around bans and posting messages that mention the word "fuck" twelve times is like asking to get banned again. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:19, 14 October 2011
pls and shit[edit source]
Eh I didn't win, but your criticism was most helpful of all the judges. The thing was just stuffed into pls at the last second without a reread. Anyway, I have substantially changed it, turning it as close to the Wikipedia film article format and losing the overly script like elements. It's now on vfh, but I'm open to any changes - Indiana Jones and the Typical University-level Dig.--Nikau 11:25, October 22, 2011 (UTC)
Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]
The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!
October 27th, 2011 • Issue 142 •Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
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Regular Servicing
Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care. But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written. The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS". The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right. The Return of the Tide
 As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools. Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year. At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself. The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:16, 27 October 2011
Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]
All your readers are belong to us
November 3rd, 2011 • Issue 143 • Forseeing all sorts of unforeseen problems since 2008!
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Fundraising
 Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously. How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either. Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well.  The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue. The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted. Awards  The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day. The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine. The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:51, 3 November 2011
Generic UnSignpost header[edit source]
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
November 10th, 2011 • Issue 144 • Is it really that big?
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Hard-Hitting Journalism
There's plenty for the UnSignpost to talk about this week so, naturally, we have decided not to talk about any of it. Instead we are going to tell you about the issues, the real issues, the ones that they don't want you to know about. Issue number one is that the cabal chairperson for November: Zombiebaron has, and not everybody knows this, instructed the administrative body to ban everyone in the world. You can see that it's happening. I mean, does it not seem strange to you that every time there's some kind of vandalism at some point an administrator just happens to turn up? Are you with us? True anarchists should be sure to pick up their copy of "If you can't revert it, kick it to death" when it comes out on UnTunes. Another issue that they don't want you to know is that we appear to have another VFS fast approaching, which for the experienced among you also means four weeks worth of UnSignposts following the VFS. This is news which pleases our editor greatly as it will just about take him through to the stage where he can fill at least half of every issue with mince pie banter and can continue to drop into a stupor every Thursday without fear of missing another UnSignpost. The page is a melting pot of passive aggressive wankery mixed in with pessimism. We won't be quoting any of it here unfortunately, our wankery license got revoked after we ran that Conservapedia issue. Electrified mocha chinchilla has also hit the forums this week objecting to constant changes to the site notice. Something which should be secondary in importance to the fact that the vast majority of the userbase don't seem to have noticed, clearly we need a new site notice, possibly one that sits in the middle of the screen and runs away when you try to close it. Lyrithya has closed her fund-raising forum, having raised no money whatsoever, this correspondent isn't quite sure whether she understands what you when you fund-raise, and also would like to suggest she runs a car wash next time she wants to raise some cash. She closed the forum by saying "Thank you all for your efforts. Unfortunately blah blah blah...". Disgruntled banner creators are strongly encouraged not to hunt Lyrithya down and "Gut her like a stuck Pig", but obviously if such a thing were to happen it would not only provide great publicity for the wiki, but also would provide UnSignpost material for at least three months. On the topic of UnSignpost material, the editorial team would like to celebrate an entire year at the helm of the UnSignpost. A year, over the course of which, only two issues have been missed. Thanks must go to Frosty, Lyrithya and anyone else who picked up the slack on weeks when the editor wasn't doing the job he should have been. Thanks also to the subscribers, without you we'd just be sticking this on Mhaille's talk page every week. I'm so pleased to have been a part of this that I've bought you all this small box of chocolates, to share, and I've bought myself this giant golden Camel because... well... I need it. IC
 There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization (That's right, kids, I'm on the list. One at a time, please. Don't worry, everybody, I have enough ink to sign everyone's foreheads and babies and such). Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between <!------------ ------------------------------ -->'s, their Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is lacking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we kept missing our appointments, with ourselves. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'. So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:48, 10 November 2011
UnSignpost - 17 November 2011[edit source]
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
November 17th, 2011 • Issue 145 • Yes, yes it is really that big!
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VFS and Turkey Balls
 Now it would be very easy for the UnSignpost to devote yet another issue of the year to covering the VFS and the voting on the same, the interviews with the candidates, the scores, the numbers, the lunches with the bureaucrats, and Sycamore shaking his head slowly as he despairs at the futility of it all. So we will. It's VFS time again! Voting was opened on Sunday by Zombiebaron with a pair of massive scissors. As he prepared to cut the ribbon he turned to the assembled masses and, wiping a tear from his eye, announced, "Zombiebaron"; naturally the crowd went wild. The early nominations flooded in: everyone who was anyone seemed to garner a nomination, as well as several people who aren't people at all. Two users have distanced themselves from the pack: Black flamingo11, the noire gregarious wading bird who has captured Uncyclopedia's imagination with his endless flows of witty prose and his avoidance of all forms of drama, has stacked up twenty-two fresh crispy votes. In order to best sum up his thoughts on being nominated, we've decided to hack up anything he has said on the VFS page and arrange it into a more suitable order: "What a nice old man his socks are. I would make a terrific admin. I'm my first choice." You heard it here first and, hilariously, so did he. The other contender is Romartus, with twenty votes. Uncyclopedia's voting machine and general history boffin had this to say to the UnSignpost: "Perhaps too young. Excellent." He probably isn't a paedophile but if you are concerned, then why not write to us at: "Save The children, The UnSignpost". We'll get them, by which we mean your letters, not the children. Other contenders are Frosty with seven votes, PIGGY with nine and Sycamore, who has eight. As VFS hurtles towards its final round, we here at the UnSignpost are on the edge of our seats and we hope you will be too. The other news is that it is once again time for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, described by liars as "A celebration and carnival of sublime writing" and by others as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy". Eyes forward everyone! It's all about to kick off! Nominate my PIGGY!
Discussions began in the forum this week. Well of course they did, after all that is what a forum is for. However one particular discussion is over the removal of the rule against nominating your own articles for VFH without a pee review. Uncharacteristically for a discussion on Uncyclopedia about an aspect of Uncyclopedia, everyone appeared to be in agreement. The brains behind the idea, if brains is the right word, is Uncyclopedia's very own deputy innovator Lyrithya, who would like nothing more than to see the good ship Uncyclopedia sink below the ocean of crap because Uncyclopedians were far too busy hanging their appalling articles off it to notice this analogy breaking down. Unsportingly the forum was started the day before the UnSignpost was due to be delivered last week and thus everything that we have said so far is hideously out of date. The rule has already been removed and no, we didn't want your opinion; you'd have just slowed progress down with your so-called "questions" and "concerns".  The other news for this week is that Zombiebaron has figured out how to raise our edit count by over 9000! His solution is to simply delete 15,000 articles by Christmas because... well, because it would be tremendous fun. Also because Dr. Skullthumper, who isn't a real doctor, made some statistics that showed that we had most edits when we had 15,000 articles, so deleting 15,000 to bring us back to around 15,000 will, logically, produce more edits, mostly, we fear, from people complaining that we have deleted 15,000 pages without asking. Anyone wishing to participate in Zombiebaron's Time Travelling Article Removal and Edit Count Revival Event (that's easy to remember because it spells TTARECRE) should assemble, with their time machines, a week last Tuesday to be given their instructions twenty minutes earlier. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:25, 17 November 2011
UnSignpost - 24 November 2011[edit source]
Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.
November 24th, 2011 • Issue 146 • This is a knife!
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VFS and Turkey Ball
 Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction. Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed. Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office. The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed." I'm back!
Did you all miss me? No? Fuck it. I'm going again. Festive Treats Ahoy!
Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two Remember: PIES!!! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:11, 24 November 2011
UnSignpost - 1 December 2011[edit source]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
December 2nd, 2011 • Issue 147 • Don't make me use this!
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Reflections, Turkey Ball, Cabal Broadcasts and VFS
 As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual. The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him. Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares
 This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces. Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with." When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner.  Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'." |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:15, 1 December 2011
UnSignpost - 8 December 2011[edit source]
We're delivering it to your door anyways!
December 8th, 2011 • Issue 148 • Goodbye to all that.
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VFS ends... or does it?
The wiki has new admins. There we go, got the first bit of non-news out of the way. Since time and circumstance have both conspired against the UnSignpost in a bid to not only evict us from the building but also to ensure we have nothing to report on every week, it has in fact been eight days since this particular piece of news broke. Black flamingo11 and Romartus have been made administrators and, clearly in protest as to how such a thing could have possibly occurred, Lyrithya has started a vote to change the system in order that such grave injustice does not ever occur again. Black flamingo11 agrees that he is exactly the type of weird abomination that such a system would easily sieve out. Romartus simply muttered something about not wanting to upset the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls; we assume he is chained to a radiator in her flat, occasionally being forced to dance for her amusement. Lyrithya proposes that we scrap the current system, just like she always does, and then we bring in a brand new one which nobody except her understands (see the abuse filter for details). Lyrithya is also to be congratulated for making Modusoperandi be serious for five minutes, something which science, constant pain, and the ingratitude of man has failed to do for around twenty years.  In other news, Joe9320 has declared that Imperial Colonization has risen and that "This will mark the Stupid Ages of Imperial Colonization." This correspondent has to agree that this will certainly be the case if Joe9320 runs it. While he was declaring things that nobody will remember in five minutes time, Joe also declared himself Lord of Uncyclopedia and all its dominions, may those who defy him drink eternally from Satan's grotesque member. Or words to that effect. Zombiebaron and Thekillerfroggy celebrated the sixth anniversary of the featuring of Euroipods by defacing the logo with a blue calculator in exchange for money and referring their friends to do the same. Such jollity flew straight over the heads of most of the userbase, whom Thekillerfroggy condemned as being far too young to remember when, like he can, this was all fields. Happy sixth birthday, Euroipods. We baked you a free cake. You just have to pay for it, and get your friends to do the same. This barrel? Oh no, we haven't even thought of scraping the bottom of it.  Finally, this forum still exists, and users have flocked from miles around to vote for it. The UnSignpost has no comment to make on this, except to ask these people: Who are you? How did you get in when we changed the locks? Try not to get too concerned. Remember, Wikia is a reputable company and certainly isn't a transparent front for a greedy Dragon which hates you. Honest. Competition Ahoy!
Those of you who absolutely love writing competitions have happily had very little to complain about for the last couple of weeks as the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has enthralled and thrilled you for literally hours. The competition closed for judging last Saturday. Needless to say this is a long time to wait perched upon the edge of ones seat, as Shabidoo confesses himself to be, so it is just as well that the vast majority of the judges have decided to help out by failing to turn in any judging. The UnSignpost wises to remind competition judges that failure to complete judging on time can have a number of detrimental effects including sudden blindness, ostracism within the community and believing oneself to be an Ostrich. So unless you want to be hurtling 'round the wiki flapping your tiny wings in a futile attempt to take flight this time next week, I'd get on with it, and we do mean you, Wilytank. Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you, and as for new admin, Black flamingo11, he has absolutely no excuse. Get to it you worthless peons; if you had lives you wouldn't even know this competition exists!  MadMax has proposed a second edition of The Article Whisperer to commence immediately after Christmas. Let us take a brief moment to explain why you are ideally suited to not only take part but why taking part is a brilliant idea. First of all, MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed, and secondly because MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed. The Article Whisperer is a competition held by UN:REQ to get some of the most requested articles on the site written down and made shiny. Head over to the forum right now and try to spare some time to volunteer to write or judge this, the most useful of our writing competitions. If you don't, MadMax will kill a Panda. In your house. Possibly. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:22, 8 December 2011
UnSignpost - 15 December 2011[edit source]
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!
December 15th, 2011 • Issue 149 • I demand satisfaction
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Weekly news round-up
This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralco bringing up the rear as always. Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask. Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc. N3wz! For the win!!  HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic man proposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL! Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA... Signal interrupted New message incoming There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangerous subversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm. Location scrambled. Message ends Signal re-established, original transmission resuming -and if that Rabbit hadn't appeared when it did... well let's just say I'd probably be serving jail time right now! See you next time p33pz!!! Sodomy and Turkeys
Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball. This year saw some wonderful entries that promoted strong familial bonds and understanding in the main category - the Aristocrats joke. The tasteless equivalent of the best actor Oscar this year went to Black flamingo for his Aristocrats (class). Tied for second place were Xamralco and Thekillerfroggy for their works on Deleted Scenes and Mementocrats accordingly. We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though. In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy. Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry. Check out all the entrants at Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball. Do it while your mother is in the room. |
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--ChiefjusticeGameCube 10:25, December 15, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 22 December 2011[edit source]
The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!
December 22nd, 2011 • Issue 150 • Merry thing you may or may not celebrate!
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The Footlitzer Prize is a thing!
 So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the "Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article[citation needed]. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait. The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do. VFH
Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little "How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda. After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda?  Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:50, 22 December 2011
Hey[edit source]
I haven't seen you around much recently, but I have a thought which I wanted to throw past you, so here's me throwing. In many ways it is easier for the community to delete low - mid quality articles then it is to rewrite and polish them. This means we end up having gaps where there should be articles, and we're getting less through traffic than we should be. I'd like to encourage people to rewrite stuff rather than delete it, so I was thinking of "formalising" Der Unwehr. This is part of a larger thingy, but given that there is an existing structure that you've created I'd rather not redo the wheel. So I'm here asking if you have any objection to it. (I'm going to run under the assumption that you'd be happy for me to do this unless I hear otherwise, as I'd be sticking to the principles that created it in the first place.) Pup 03:18 24 Dec '11
- Sure thing, I definitely wouldn't have any objection to you doing that. Honestly, I'm happy you brought it up. I've been hyper busy with school and everything (this being my last year), and I was looking forward to writing some stuff for here until I realized that I should probably do the fuckton of reading for my history and English theses that I've been putting off instead. That's all tangential--anyway, yeah, feel free to do any sort of "formalizing" you may have to do. I hereby promote you to the position of Reichsmarshall, and give you free reign to do anything you see fit to "get the job done," as it were. I leave you in charge of the whole operation in the wake of my university-work-imposed absence. Go at it, Reichsmarshall Puppy. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:20, December 27, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 29 December 2011[edit source]
You'd be crazy not to listen!
December 29st, 2011 • Issue 151 • I wrote something here!
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Goddamn Chief!
 Right now you might either be saying to yourself, "What the hell? How did someone other than Chief score the first slot on the Unsignpost? That egotistical jerk always gives himself the first slot!", didn't even notice that it was someone different writing this week or (and most likely) you're not even reading this, as you have a "real" life, whatever that means. Well that seems to be the case this week with our friend ChiefjusticeDS, as he released the following statement today at 13:42 UTC:
But have no fear, my lowly peasants, as, once again (as in, this has never happened before, and will probably never happen again), I, Magic man, swooped in just in the nick of time to save the day with my amazing power to write dumb shit really fast (no, seriously, this is probably not going to be finished until five minutes before it's scheduled to be delivered). Everyone should stop by my talkpage and tell me what a great, amazing, cool, fun, awesome, lovable, orphan-hugging, money-donating, saint I am. By the way, for anyone who was wondering, that's my rendition of Chief up in the corner there. I'm the editor this week, so I get to do what I want. This is fun! My attempt at actual news  Yeah, as it turns out this is a hell of a lot harder than it looks (I'm literally just looking over the dump to see what the hell's happened this week). Once everyone's done telling Chief what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is (because I'm sure everyone will obey everything I tell them on the UnSignpost), also remember to tell him what a great guy he is for doing this every week.[1] Anyway, TKF reached forty features, so that's fun. I'll put the link to the obligatory forum in that section over there (I'm pointing right now, but I guess you can't see me). Staying with the TKF shit, he also rewrote Sex. I meant to help him with that, but then I went out of town. Sorry, TKF. Anyway, it looks like it'll be featured (yeah, forgot to mention it was up on VFH. Everyone go vote for it). I won't go on about how great the rewrite is, 'cuz you can go read it yourself, but it is. And now to deviate from TKF (that sexy bitch): Al started a giant Just pennies a day-style collab here, and has been asking for everyone's help. So... go do that. In other news, Christmas happened, but no one cares about that. Well... that really didn't take up as much space as I thought it would. So... anyone got any ideas? I sure as hell don't. I'm sure there was much more important news that I'm forgetting, but who really gives a shit? I sure as hell don't. Damn, this is a lot harder than it looks. Welp, looks like the columns will be uneven again this week, not that anyone cares. I sure as hell don't.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:55, 29 December 2011
UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012[edit source]
Now with 20% more ninjas!
January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!
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'Tis the season to be voting
It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching. Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level. The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man. The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out! From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012
Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year. It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny[1], group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections. Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal. Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you. That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.
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Greetings[edit source]
I have gone through my records and it appears as though you may have voted for me for some award, supported one or more of my articles on VFH, or supported one or more of my images on VFP, in the past year or so. If this is not the case, then please ignore this message. Otherwise, thank you for your support. May you have a long and fruitful life, and have many parasites. ~ 18:57, 6 January 2012
UnSignpost - 12 January 2012[edit source]
The periodical without any junk in its trunk!
January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.
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TAW!
TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted.  A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares?
 Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement
You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:02, 12 January 2012
So have you given any thought to that NGE rewrite in the past year or so?[edit source]
Also, go Andrew Luck! --~~First Child Rei Ayanami (give orders) 23:28, January 12, 2012 (UTC)
- Given how busy I've been with school and working, I can't say I have, no, unfortunately. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:46, January 13, 2012 (UTC)
- Damn. 66.234.217.41 19:41, January 14, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 19 January 2012[edit source]
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!
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We're all going to die!
 Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be! Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout.
All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added " In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:06, 19 January 2012
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)[edit source]
CLICK HERE--ShabiDOO 10:19, January 24, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 26 January 2012[edit source]
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!
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Phoning it in!
 That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button.
Found it.
Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:26, 26 January 2012
UnSignpost - 3 February 2012[edit source]
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!
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On Felonies And Awards
Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.
Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support
 Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:09, 3 February 2012
UnSignpost - 10 February 2012[edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!
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Something happened this week.
In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then. Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me. Shit Happens Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers. So remember kids ... always be posi-  |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:24, 10 February 2012
UnSignpost - 18 February 2012[edit source]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.
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Important competition news As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours. What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly.  MOAR PENIS
Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this... Prepare for World Domination
After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered. Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha? It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro." Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:55, 18 February 2012
UnSignpost - 23 February 2012[edit source]
Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay
February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!
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Softly softly, happy Monkey
Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else. For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair". The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else.  For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra. Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?". The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?". The Forum
 TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???". Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed. The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month. In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:46, 23 February 2012
UnSignpost - 1 March 2012[edit source]
The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...
March 1, 2012 • Issue 160 • You are all about to die.
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Nothing.
So I got up this morning, ate some breakfast and watched some television, ya know, just normal morning stuff. Then I decided it was time for me to check Uncyclopedia, as I do every day. So I walk over to my computer, turn on the screen and bring up Safari. I go to Uncyclopedia, log in and what do I see? Oh, I'll tell you what I saw. This thing that I saw was so terrible, I almost died. What I saw was... NOTHING. C'mon, guys, can't you do anything? Start a competition, a new exciting forum, even drama! Anything! I mean, I can't be expected to entertain myself, can I? And to any of you smart-asses out there who tell me that nothing is something in and of itself, shut up and go fall in a hole full of pointy objects; you know what that would be helping by telling me that? Take a guess. News? For those with eyes in their brains and mugs in their ale, it should be clear that all manner of very important things have been occurring in the news. Or is this the news? Well, you get the idea. Apparently Uncyclopedians, Shabidoo in particular, think there is something wrong with the site. While this is indoubti-bi-tubby the case, a more pressing concern we must bring up is this: has there ever been anything right with the site? Today the scare involves NotM, a highly prestigious award won by all the people who aren't here right now, and how it creates problems in regards to new editor retention, despite the minor issue that we would have to have new editors in the first place in order to retain any of them. Another scare involves the complete lack of sufficient delete votes on VFD, along with the fact that Sycamore wants to decrease the maximum number of active votes there to 14 when 15 would in fact be a much more round number, and to decrease the score required to delete things from 5 to 4, when 5 is also a much more round number. We suspect Sycamore just has something against round numbers, probably due to some childhood trauma or something, unless it turns out that these are the wrong notes and it was someone else who wanted to do all that. Everything's so blurry.  In other news, Wikia broke the site again, our illustrious admins keep forgetting to update the feature queue, VFP is lacking an appropriate number of votes, containing only the nominations of three images by Zombiebaron, who demands that more people vote for them because pi is awesome, and Uncyclopedia needs more sharons. And I really need to lie down. Profit! Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to. A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions. Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much. Editor's note: This is most certainly not a veiled attempt by the resident money launderers to give them something to launder. The people want this. They already have a number of ideas relating to the promotion and growth of the site, and want your feedback so they can have feedback! Yes! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:22, 1 March 2012
UnSignpost - 8 March 2012[edit source]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
March 8th, 2012 • Issue 161 • The most recycled periodical on the internet!
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Vote for Change
 There have been rumblings on the wiki this week, and not just because someone in the UnSignpost office insists it is their human right to have three kebabs for breakfast. These are the rumblings of discontent, and they stem from the behaviour of several users on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel. Frosty was decent enough to create a forum in the Ministry of Love explaining his discontent with pretty much everything IRC. Those of you who are fans of long blocks of text with lots of unnecessary swearing will not be disappointed as Frosty delivers Uncyclopedia's first blockbuster of 2012. The crux of the issue is that the Uncyclopedia IRC channel is not unlike my back garden, dangerous to enter alone for fear that Olipro will burst from the undergrowth and verbally assault you before hiding in the shed. There appear to be several views on this issue, besides the obvious; the UnSignpost sat down with Socky to discuss how we could fabricate a quote from him this week and he didn't say "I propose that all who argue should be put to death". Determined not to be outdone when it comes to simmering discontent with our benighted wiki, Lyrithya weighed into the forum to say that she too was disgusted with the present situation and something should be done. It's both worrying and strangely comforting that you can always rely on her for this particular viewpoint. The rebuttal to all these dissenting views has been varied, mostly involving admitting that yes Olipro and Dr. Skullthumper are an acquired taste and that everyone should generally go back to the important task of Speaking of maintaining the wiki, it is with great pride and the greatest pleasure that we bring to you more reforms from the keyboard of Dr. Skullthumper, Uncyclopedia's lead innovator and blue sky thinker. He proposes that in order to make new users feel welcome we should abolish Noob of the Month. Don't look at us like that; it makes complete sense to me: new users plus no awards equals a better Uncyclopedia. That isn't strictly true, as PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that instead of having a system by which we award one user the award per month we stack the new users up and treat them as though they were articles on VFH. This will at least kill two noobs with one stone, as nothing proves quite so heartbreaking as having your first article stomped on and then thrown into the bin because it "Lacks cultural significance". You could then change to the VFN page and watch yourself be stomped on and then thrown into the bin because "His/her articles lack cultural significance". Users interested in this plan should report here and support Thrak Thrak the destroyer of Worlds: May his power endure eternally, praise be, praise be to use the name he uses in his welcome message. Oh and in case you had forgotten, Thekillerfroggy still wants to sell Uncyclopedia to the man, man. Our pessimistic thought for the week goes to Electrified mocha chinchilla, who urges you to look on the bright side by saying: "Uncyclopedia will die if we do not make a conscious effort to expand our presence on the internet, thereby reaching a wider audience and attracting more contributors". So to conclude:
Only you can prevent forest fires, is what we would be saying if it was time for forest fire week again. It's not. Instead it is almost time for another Conservation Week! Unfamiliar with Conservation Week? Want to learn more? Why not head on over to the page and do a spot of reading? Or don't; trust that our summary of the rules is gospel and just start writing. Basically you rewrite articles so that they are no longer suitable for one of Dr. Skullthumper's templates of doom. Having completed your rewrite you gain a point, and you want to have more points than everyone, especially HauntedUndies, who is the Team Rocket of Conservation Week. Honestly, it's true. You can enter the competition for the low low price of ten English pounds, which goes towards oiling the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia. Your article should also contain at least two pictures of a Monkey, regardless of the subject matter. Well? What are you waiting for? HAH! False start; the competition isn't running just yet, and updates could come from anywhere, at literally any time. Check out the forum and await further instructions. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:20, 8 March 2012
UnSignpost 5 April 2012[edit source]
Now a major monopoly run by Xamralco
April 5th, 2012 • Issue 162 • Xamralco edition
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Xamralco
Hello, fellow Uncyclopedians. It is I, Xamralco, here to tell you that I have temporarily taken over the UnSignpost. However, being as inexperienced as I am, I have no idea how to put an UnSignpost together. Thus, for today, the UnSignpost will be about me, the greatest Uncyclopedian ever! More Xamralco
Look, I know I'm awesome. My mom knows I'm awesome. Even my kindergarten, first grade, and ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, knows I'm awesome. It's just a fact, but I'm all about being fair, so lets see what the people say:
I guess "alright" is now a synonym for "Soooooooooo freakin' awesome." Who knew? Even More Xamralco
I am super, duper rad. I know no one says that anymore, but I'm bringing it back. It is Xamralco who brings back the rad fads. Xamralco will also bring back talking in the third person. Xamralco loves talking in the third person. I sometimes enjoy talking in the first person, but you find talking in the second person far more fulfilling. Still, Xamralco thinks talking in the third person is quite entertaining. Must fill up blank space
Crap, that wasn't enough
How does ChiefjusticeDS make it look so easy? Oh well. Xamralco out! |
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9001(bot)
20:34, Apr 5
Why[edit source]
Why. Why? Why! ¿Por que? WHY! WHY! WHY?! WHY must our best writers all be in their last year of school, and desert us in hour of darkness? WHY!
DAMN YOU, GOD! YOUR CRUELTY KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
- I believe Guildy has gone back to his day job as Paul Ryan. See him after November perhaps. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 06:13, August 31, 2012 (UTC)
Awarding of the Fake Pegausus Award, 2009[edit source]
(Guildy, come back, and do it now! Oak Kay) You are hereby awarded the unprestigious Fake Pegasus Award for writing the most features for the year 2009. Your 22 features that year gives us all the heebee-jeebies. Congrats, and wear it well! The list of winners is at the bottom of my awards page, and I'll (probably) make up a separate page for the award soon. Aleister 1:49 30 December '12
It's beginning to look a lot like…[edit source]
Up for grabs is the coveted Clark Griswold Award for Holiday Cheer. Who will be crowned Holiday Victor?
Seasons Greetings!
It's that special time of year. A wonderful time for friends and family to rejoice in gaiety. Not you! You usually spend all of your hard-earned money on gifts for them, and now you just want to hibernate until your finances recuperate. Well, here at Uncyclopedia, entering our newest competition won't cost you a penny — Sign Up Today! (pretty please) – 
(ooh!) (aah!) ...·º•ø®@» LEG CUN GUN DUN 14:45, 13 December 2021