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UnNews:Doors singer Jim Morrison wins profanity and exposure pardon

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10 December 2010

Legendary singer Jim Morrison appeared from the dead Thursday to set his record straight.

MIAMI, Florida — Late Doors singer Jim Morrison surprised everyone but himself when he appeared in person as the Florida Board of Executive Clemency voted unanimously to posthumously pardon him four decades after he was convicted of open exposure and indecent profanity.

Outgoing Florida Gov. Charlie Crist – an admitted Doors fan and recent Senatorial loser to a conservative no-name – proposed the official pardon of the late singer, who was convicted for a disputed incident during a Miami, Florida, concert. When directly asked about the Board's hearing, Morrison told the stunned but admiring media, "Hey! Fuck you! I wouldn’t miss this goddamn case for shit!" He then exposed himself.

Morrison's widow, Patricia Kennealy Morrison, opposed the pardon and begged the Clemency Board to increase the charges against her late husband, who was sitting behind her exposing himself in the first row. She said she was not surprised at the outcome, given that the fans and a few hundred of Morrison's surviving groupies were supporting it. But she admitted she was highly surprised to see her late husband back in action. "He won’t even speak to me, the stuck-up bastard!" Kennealy lamented to CNN. "And since the original charges and trial were a publicity stunt to begin with, it doesn't surprise me that the pardon should attract even more publicity. My husband did not deserve a pardon and his record – in fact all his records – shouldn’t have been expunged, and he is mocking us as I speak."

When asked about his ex-wife’s remarks Morrison replied, "Bullshit! She’s trying to ruin my fucking reputation, the damn bitch!" He then exposed himself once again, this time in front of Governor Crist and members of the Clemency board, who not only denied being present at the incident but denied debating the size of the appendage and comparing it to various vegetables and song titles.

Crist, who is set to leave office in January after his embarrassing Senate bid, told Fox "News" that after reviewing the case file he felt compelled to get involved. "If someone hasn't committed a crime, then they should be found guilty of being innocent," he said before the vote. "It's never a bad idea to try to right a wrong and admit you've made a mistake, a practice you at Fox are keenly aware of."

The Doors were performing at a typically raucous concert at Miami's Key Auditorium on March 1, 1969, when the incident took place. Reportedly drunk and slurring obscenities at the crowd, Morrison was accused of unzipping his pants and performing oral sex on himself, a charge he denied, in spite of cumming into his mouth in front of over 20,000 witnesses.

Although he was acquitted of lascivious behavior and drunkenness, Morrison was convicted of open exposure and indecent profanity, sentenced to six months in jail, and was still appealing the verdict in 1971 when he died in Paris of exposure and profanity at the age of 27.

Doors fans have long appealed for an official pardon for "The Lizard King," petitioning previous Florida governors without success. Many argue that the trial was a sham, and that there was no conclusive evidence supporting the exposure charge against Morrison apart from the questionable testimony of 20,000 people.

"I just don't think the word of 20,000 eyewitnesses is sufficient evidence on the record; and there was no video that would indicate that the alleged act occurred," Crist said. A 12-year-old reporter from "Child Net" then pointed out to Crist that this was probably because video had not yet been invented.

Although CNN tried to keep track of Morrison’s whereabouts after the verdict, he simply disappeared into the crowd of his former groupies – but not before telling everyone to "get fucked" and exposing himself one last time.


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