User:Fenris2010/Jelly beans

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Jelly babies, or Jellyfish? How about Jelly, or Beans? Possibly even Jelly beans?

Jelly beans are a type of bean that get their colors from different things. Jelly beans are not to be confused with the very different and much more hostile "jelly beings".

Jelly bean colors

Red jelly beans

“It's not that I don't like red jelly beans, it's just that I don't see the use when I have some perfectly good blood to drink.”

~ Dracula

Red jelly beans get their color from blood. As of yet, it is currently unknown where jelly bean companies get the blood from. Some have suggested that red jelly beans could be an alternative for the needs of vampires. All attempt to do this however, have ended with the person trying to reach the vampires disappearing without a trace and one new vampire mysteriously appearing. Any attempts to find out where the forementioned companies get all the blood from are ill advised.

White jelly beans

“Moo!”

~ a cow

White jelly beans get their color from cow milk. We here at Uncyclopedia personally feel bad for the cows, since we know they're abused. We know because in ads for white jelly beans, the disclaimer says: Some animals were hurt in the making of this commercial. Some people have suggested that white jelly beans are actually made of solid milk. Because of this theory, there have been multiple instances of people trying to get their cows to produce white jelly beans instead of milk. This has generally been met with discontent, especially from the cows.

Yellow jelly beans

Yellow jelly beans are actually a secret plot orchestrated by the government to achieve total mind control over the human population. What proof do I have, you ask? I have uncovered substantial proof that-

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WARNING: YOU ARE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE! Simply viewing this web page is a Class I federal felony punishable by jail time and a hefty fine. Stop reading immediately and report to your nearest re-education center.

Blue jelly beans

Blue jelly beans are not particularly interesting. What, were you expecting something special? Too bad.

Black jelly beans

“All glory be to the great black jelly bean! Through it, Satan's will be done!”

~ A Satanic cult handbook

Black jelly beans are cursed. They were created by the Devil, that's for sure. Just look at history:

• 9/11

People don't know, but the planes that crashed into the Twin Towers weren't actually hijacked by terrorists. No. What actually happened is that the pilots had one too many black jelly beans. How do we know? In what remained of the two planes were found... two black jelly beans. As for the third plane that almost crashed into the White House, the pilot had also eaten too many black jelly beans. Why didn't it succeed? Because the White House is white! White is the opposite of black, it's the color that God chose to protect us from the demonic.

• The creation of Wikipedia

There are two reasons Wikipedia was founded. One: Because Jimbo Wales made it.

Two: Because Jimbo Wales lives off of black jelly beans!

Many people think that Jimbo Wales is inherently evil. This is not true. The only reason he's evil is because he lives off of black jelly beans. Just as Uncyclopedia operates because of Oscar Wilde's cat-toast device, Wikipedia operates on a different principle: black jelly beans.

• World War I and World War II

World War I was not just started by the assassination of the archduke, and World War II was not just started by the Nazi invasion. No, the assassin and Hitler were being mind-controlled by the black jelly beans they had eaten! A little-known fact about Hitler is that one of his most trusted war generals was actually secretly a demon. Another little-known fact is that that war general once fed Hitler black jelly beans!