User talk:Guildensternenstein/archive4

Heterosexual Rape!

Completely Non-sensual. Don Puttano cHeDDs 01:07,12July,2009

Ewww! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:36, 12 July 2009 (UTC)

Stephen Chow

You should write an article on him, since you do those articles on international directors. I like his movies more than any other Chinese (or maybe Japanese, I think it's Chinese, but I'm not certain) movies. Or any movies made from Asian countries. Anyway, yeah. Stephen Chow is cool, and they don't have an article on him here. Don Puttano cHeDDs 18:11,13July,2009

Okay, yeah, he's chinese, and his chinese name is Chiau Sing Chi, or 周星馳. He's an actor, screen writer, director, and producer. He directed Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer, which were both award winning movies (both of which I saw and loved.) Don Puttano cHeDDs 18:18,13July,2009

I'm not really a fan (or familiar with him), so.... —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:11, 13 July 2009 (UTC)

Aw. He's the only asian director I like (or know of). He makes comedies though, so if you're a drama-movie person (which I think you are), then eh. But I want you to at least watch one of his movies. I had to watch them in subtitles, and I still almost fell out of the seat from laughing. Don Puttano cHeDDs 21:46,13July,2009

Well, I like comedies, too (or else I wouldn't be here). I do admit most of my movies air a bit on the drama side of things, but virtually all of my favorite television programs (with the except of The X-Files) are comedies. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:13, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

You only watch comedy shows? What about House, Fringe, Heroes, Mental, and the Listener? I watch movies of every type: comedy, drama, war, horror, action, family (Kung Fu Panda was awesome) and musicals (only Sweeney Todd) Don Puttano cHeDDs 01:31,14July,2009

Actually, most of the TV shows I really like aren't even on anymore. And it's not that I only like comedy, I like whatever's good. In the case of TV, most of that happens to be comedy. Anyway, I gave Heroes a try, but I gave up on it after about half way through season 2. The only shows I actually go out of my way to watch that are still on now are The Office and Thirty Rock, both on NBC. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:35, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, they are really cool. But you don't watch House? That's by far my favorite show ever. Don Puttano cHeDDs 01:49,14July,2009

I like House, but I hardly watch it. My favorite is Lost. Staircase CUN^t 01:52, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Never watched it. Don Puttano cHeDDs 02:02,14July,2009

It's amazing. Staircase CUN^t 02:03, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Instead of talking about how awesome various TV shows are, you fine gentlemen should be reviewing any of the three (soon to be four) articles of mine that are on Pee at the moment cough. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 06:00, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Whore. Anyways, I thought you might know the guy since you do those other ones of guys who I can't pornounce the names of and/or have never heard of. Don Puttano cHeDDs 16:09,14July,2009

Gotcha. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:29, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

DU question

hi guildy. i have a query converning der unwehr rewrites. must new content be added, or can a total article cleanup be counted? for example, i took this mess and cleaned it up, resulting in this article. while i added minimal new content, i feel this sort of cleanup (removing bad content, removing non-useful redlinks, correcting formatting, etc.) is in line with the mission statement of DU: to improve the wiki. there's a whole slew of articles requiring this: Category:Cleanup is just one place that lists over 250. so: should we count these as rewrites? perhaps count them as cleanups, and receive one point instead of two? or is DU focused on writing only? thanks. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:46, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

That's an excellent question, actually, I never even considered the Cleanup category initially. Seeing as a cleanup isn't as involved as a full-fledged rewrite, how about we make that one Point instead of two? I'll update Der Unwehr page accordingly. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:02, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

Also, it's probably worth mentioning that your cleanup looks about 100 times better than the prior version. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:08, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

thanks! the kicker is, it involved a miminal effort compared to writing or re-writing, because there's little original content being added, so the creative process doesn't muck everything up. so: we should be able to get a lot of cleanups done, as a group!SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:22, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

Nice thinking, Gerry. And, at 1 Point apiece, it should be a relatively simple way to rack up Unwehr Points. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:25, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

I can get points without being creative? Count me in. Don Puttano cHeDDs 00:49,16July,2009

Donkey schön

Für happy birthday sagen und ein geschichte für mich schriben. (sorry for my lousy german, I don't know much of it, Führer) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 11:12 July 16 '09

Haha, you're welcome Mooshy. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:37, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

July 16th, 2009 • Issue 56 • This is a Pathetic Joke

User Return Causes Widespread Panic By Gerrycheevers This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in). The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays. Flood of Crap Nearly Overflows VFD By Gerrycheevers For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD. Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles. Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!" Orian57 On Fire By Gerrycheevers Noted rainbow-colored user Orian57 has recently enjoyed a remarkable string of success (pictured on right). He has scored an unprecedented natural hat trick of features, with UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden, LazyTown, and UnScripts:Trapped at Sea reaching the front page on consecutive days. Not since the time of such legends as Savethemooses and The Thinker have such lofty VFH records been broken. Although in the case of STM, there were probably mitigating factors involved, like wooden articles rather than aluminum, or something. Or aluminium, that strange substance only found in England by mining thousands of millions of other strange occurences, such as referring to the trunk of a car as a "boot". This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.

Check out these pages! Some guy is trying to update Images... Hey look, a new game to play! Or is this business? UnBusiness!? Proof that Wikia hates us! From our logs: 09:27, 9 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a bouncer from Flintoff ‎(pre-emptive ban before you ban me for pickiness. your English > my Hebrew etc etc...) 20:38, 14 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎(Impersonating a girl. Perv.) 14:03, 16 July 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.186.81.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(you know Euthanasia might just be the thing you are looking for....) Biopic of the Week Known as the man of many signatures (most of them garish and spinning in some fashion), Mahm00shA has made quite the impression on Uncyclopedia since joining in February. His transcription of an interview with a cab driver in his native Egypt has earned him recognition as a writer, and his other useful qualities have earned him an Uncyclopedian of the Month nomination. Go 'moosh! Quote of the week [16:41] <Tayor> we're going to need a base to work from. [16:43] <Tayor> by 'we' I meann 'I' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'are' I mean 'am' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'work' I mean 'give blow jobs' In honour of The Ashes, it's: UU's classic cricket commentary of the week! "There's Tony Greig standing at second slip — legs wide apart, bending over, waiting for a tickle" - Brian Johnston. Of course, this simple piece of commentary should require no clarification, but any Americans, other foreigners, or chavs who don't understand the finer points of cricket can pop over to UU's talk page for a patronising explanation. Old-School Featured Article of the Week Martin Van Buren was the eighth President of the United States, a key figure in U.S. political development during the nineteenth century, and a total dick. While other legislators were busy dueling or being awesome in general, Van Buren spent his time practicing his douchebag skills and smelling of old people. He always argues about the stupidest things, and he refuses to ever admit he's wrong. And I'm never letting him borrow my car again. Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week The UnSignpost editors regret to announce the introduction of a new device, the "Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week". This box will be used to take up space on the right-hand side of the UnSignpost, an example of which you are currently experiencing. Look for this box to appear when a larger than usual number of stories on the left side of the UnSignpost and an impending end of the work day force the editors to make something up on the fly. This also offers opportunities to sneak trusted mascot DogNewspaper into the issue.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:20, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

hurricane machine

i like your changes a lot. i particularly liked the ending line, that was exactly what i was looking for. the only problem i saw ws the earth day line, which, after the changes, is kind of by itself and comes out of nowhere, so maybe you can play around with another sentnece or two leading up to that. i'd certainly support this on VFH, but i see you've put it up for one more review, so i'll hold off on nomination-ing it until you get one more opinion, if that's what you want. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 13:52, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

Ah, perfect, glad you like it. Seeing as I've got four (soon to be five) articles up for Pee, someone's bound to review them, right? Right...? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:57, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

yup. the pee process is fairly streamlined nowadays, and you usually don't have to wait too long. although having that many articles up for review at the same time is somewhat treading into a moral gray area... SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:05, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

Why is having that many articles up treading a "moral gray area?" —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:20, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

there may or may note have been a note in the guidelines a while back about keeping only one or two requests in the queue at a time, mainly due to long queues and the tendencies of some writers to get reviews and not change the article at all. however, as the queue is rather short these days, and you've proven your intention of improving your articles in a timely manner, i wouldn't worry about it unless UU takes issue, which i doubt he will. tl;dr version: carry on, then. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:48, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

I honestly never knew that. Well, if anyone takes issue, I'll remove some of my queued articles if that's what has to be done, or whatever. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:53, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

<Drive bye> No one cares how many reviews you have waiting. I remember Cajek had 6 or 7 on the go once. The thing is... If you do lots of reviews yourself then it's fine to submit lots of reviews yourself. If you never bother to review yourself then that's not good for the "suck blow" ratio and people will get pissed off... ;-) </End drive bye> MrN 16:45, Jul 17

Thanks. I was just about to do a review, actually, after reading Joe Namath for the third time in as many hours. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:47, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

Wait.... Is reviewing someone sucking or blowing? Are we talking about milk and straws here? Sucking would cause the milk to move into your mouth. But blowing would just cause bubbles to form. Sucking will satisfy your thirst, but blowing is a lot more fun to do. I usually don't giggle when I suck with the straw, but blowing bubbles in my milk usually causes that reaction. I'm not really sure which one I like better. And what if you love reviewing, and hate getting criticism in a review? Do the two switch? I'm not sure if you've fully thought through this analogy MrN9000, sir Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 16:53, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

It's my understanding that it's customary to suck whilst you blow? I may be out of date on these things... MrN 17:31, Jul 17

Suck WHILE you blow? What kind of milk are you drinking?!?! Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 17:51, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

I! Drink! Your! Milk...shake. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:01, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

Hey Woody? SUCK IT! LOOLLOLOOLLOLOOLOOL! -OptyC Sucks! CUN17:04, 17 Jul

Well, I do enjoy milk, and I was thirsty. I guess my mind is made up. Thanks Op..... Hey, WAIT JUST A GOSH DARNED SECOND HERE! You're talking about PENISIS! Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 17:09, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

penisis? is he the egpytian god of something? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:12, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

Yes. The Egyptian god of milk. -OptyC Sucks! CUN17:14, 17 Jul

The Egyptian God of Milk, and Penisis. And the blowing of both. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 17:17, 17 July 2009 (UTC)

So getting back to the moral implications of this all, there's no issue for me as I suck hard but blow harder? Pup t 07:11, 19/07/2009

D&D RLE

Okay, I'm going to take a bit of time over this, as although you've asked that this be done just on the "overview" page, the reality is that as this relies so heavily on the "support" pages I'll have to make a comment on those as well. I've read through the whole lot and let me think about it for a while to get it all straight in my head and I'll have a review for you within the next 24 hours. Pup t 07:14, 19/07/2009

Wow, thank you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:24, 19 July 2009 (UTC)

Isaac the Tank Engine review

Hi Boss. Thanks for the review. Much appreciated. A couple of quick questions just to help me get this moving in the right direction. I've made a bunch of edits already, including the destruction of the last section, which when reading back after reading your comments I can see what you mean, but I still have a fair bit more work to do. So a couple of quick questions.

This is based vary heavily on "via crucis" or "the way of the cross", also known as "the passion of the Christ." (Yes, Mel Gibson and I used the same source material, and we grew up in the same town. Scary.) In the "new" via crucis there are 14 stations, of which I've just used the first 6 as I was concerned about overdoing the point. Would you suggest that I continue with all 14? Should I have a "random" sample of the 14 (so I can have the crucifixion in as well)?

Also let me know if you prefer the newer version of "Denial Station." There's a part in there that is proving to be difficult and I've potentially Pup t 21:54, 19/07/2009improved it but I'd like your feedback on that as well.

PEEing all over the place

This is all for you

One thing I didn't mention was that I have not read the first review as I wanted to give you an opinion based upon what I thought and felt on reading it. If you have any questions about what I've thrown in there then feel free to ask away.

Am I allowed to stop writing now? Pup t 04:18, 20/07/2009

Holy Crap. That's the biggest review I've ever seen. Staircase CUN^t 04:20, 20 July 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, this hits 17,500 bytes, followed by Princess Diana at 13,000, and then Destroy all Humans at 12,000. However it's all overshadowed by Pox, which is not a PEEReview but uses a similar format, which sets the bar at 25,200 bytes. Pup t 05:05, 20/07/2009

Hurricane Machine

I lolled, and therefore I nommed it. Well done! Vote away. Nameable • mumble? • (UnScr:PWotM) 19:27, 20 July 2009 (UTC)

17 Years of Cheddar

My birthday is coming up next month, and to commemorate it in a completely original way, I made a forum. Check it out! 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 14:51,21July,2009

A swift PEE for you

I have cast my highly trained reviewers eye over your article for a second time and was pleased, as all reviewers and critics are when people do as they say. In my view the text is fine, it feels like a lot less of a trek between jokes now, and all it took was a couple more lines which, depressingly, have no spelling errors in them (I know, I checked). Otherwise my other comments still stand, you have corrected the one flaw that jumped out at me when I reviewed it earlier on and all that was left bar that were my suggestions. I'd say it would now score about 43, so you should consider tossing it into VFH.

Oh, if I had reviewed it a few weeks ago it would have gotten over 45 but it turns out I'm too enthusiastic with dishing out the points so you must suffer for it. --ChiefjusticeDS 16:57, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Hey, Chief is back! Are you going to review like a madman again? Staircase CUN^t 17:09, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

I don't know, I only did 3 today, and I'm kinda jet-lagged. I wouldn't say like a madman, the PEE queue is just much more wonderful to look at when you don't have to scroll down to view it all.... OK, yes probably.--ChiefjusticeDS 17:49, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Hah, thank you, Chief. I'll think I'll try Mr. Smith's luck, and then revise accordingly based upon how he does. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:13, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Well PEEd

	The article Pious Christians Against Shellfish has been reviewed by PuppyOnTheRadio(talk)
	Version as at 24 July 2009	PEE review

Sorry Guildy

I'm not interested in the fantasy football thingamajig. Sowwy. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 02:05, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

Ah, no big deal. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:42, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

F-f-f-FANTASY?!

I do so love sports simulation. Not football so much as baseball or some other sport, but okay, you can count me in. -RAHB 05:54, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

Hurray! We are in the midst of our draft right this moment, and you are taking Bad Shroom's place, which means you have the first overall pick! —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:31, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

Alright, everything's all set up. Now just how do I go about picking in this weird wide world of sports drafting strategy we've got going? -RAHB 19:12, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

this should be a useful link for you, RAHB. It suggests who you should pick when.--<<>> 20:42, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

July 23rd, 2009 • Issue 57 • The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

Uncyclopedia Users Form Fantasy Football League By Gerrycheevers This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums. Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother. Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state." "I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day. Village Dump Suffers From Rash of Inactivity By Gerrycheevers In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time. Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity. In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.

Check out these pages! US vs UK, the showdown... almost Picture Wars: Forum Edition Still counting to a million From our logs: 03:45, 23 July 2009 Under user blocked Mi$ter Bigg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (insert Cosby catchphrase here. or not - I don't really give two fucks) 00:48, 20 July 2009 TheLedBalloon blocked 71.195.100.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (In the words of Abraham Lincoln, suck my presidential cock, bitch!) 06:30, 18 July 2009 Mordillo blocked Speroxenos (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (your hard on does not impress me) Biopic of the Week Arguably the most prominent sub-primate whose existance status varies depending on the day of the week on the entire wiki, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays has recently made a return to Uncyclopedia. His track record speaks for itself: awesome articles abound in Ape's presence, his handling of breaking news situations is praiseworthy, and his information guides are useful and informative. Welcome back, Ape! Old School Featured Article of the Week Toilet Door Communication, or TDC, is considered by many to be the forerunner of the modern internet. This fascinating form of conversation is complete with its own exceedingly dense jargon and wide spectrum of users. Washing your hands after use is strongly recommended. Quote of the Week <Bonner> A while later we also completely wrapped the scooter in cling film <Bonner> I still have the photos, he was really pissed about that one <e|m|c> You mean saran wrap. <e|m|c> Fucking English. <Bonner> Cling flim <e|m|c> Uhh. Saran wrap. <Bonner> cling film <Bonner> :) <e|m|c> Cling film <Bonner> Saran wrap <e|m|c> Correct. This Week in Uncyc, 1901 Uncyclopedia users celebrated their first of many week-long tributes to Oscar Wilde, unable to wait the originally planned year after his death. The entire main page was dedicated to Wilde-related issues, and the first instance of mass Wilde quoting ensued. Reader Poll of the Week The editors need your help; please weigh in here on the important, non-boring issue of UnSignpost formatting.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

This edition is on time, and anyone who tells you differently is lying! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:38, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles

User:The Woodburninator and myself have been talking about improvements to Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles and I was wondering if Der Unwehr would be interested in helping create a few articles? MadMax 21:51, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

Well, the thing about Unwehr members is they all work by themselves. I really can't order them to do anything, DU only serves to motivate people. I do like the idea, though, and will attempt to contribute to this whole improvement thing if I can find the time. So yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:49, 24 July 2009 (UTC)

I've actually been thinking of creating a new award, {{reqaward}}, for articles created from UN:REQ. Do you think this might encourage either Der Unwehr or UN:IC? MadMax 13:08, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

I suppose so. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:45, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Just wanted to let you know the award is now official. By the way, do you think anyone from Der Unwehr might be interested in working on this new article? I mentioned it at UN:IC and someone suggested it might be more suited to DU. MadMax 01:44, 31 July 2009 (UTC)

UnBooks:"Incoherent Overwritten Literary Trainwreck" by Thomas Pynchon

I actually started doing a review for this about four times, but each time I stopped for the same two reasons. 1) PEEReview had started to become the Puppy and Guildy show (yes, in my mind I get top billing) and 2) I haven't read anything by Thomas Pynchon, and that's where my problem with the concept of this piece lies. I've read a few of the comments that you've made about the author's literary style, which made things a lot clearer to me, and that sort of thing should be included in the article, and I've been racking my brains as to how to get around it, and I think I now know what may be done to overcome this issue.

1. Cover quotes Every overblown literary trainwreck has cover quotes, usually one by Clive Barker/Stephen King, and then a second from an author who writes in a similar style. I'd probably pick on Dan Brown for a second one, because he's a more recognisable name, has a similarity in the overblown melodrama aspect, writes as a pseudo-intellectual but in reality writes pulp for the masses. (I HATE Dan Brown.) The quotes could be along the lines of "This is the novel I wish I had written, assuming that I'd wanted to write a barely comprehensible, vain, over-intellectualised novel that had no plot line." or something to that effect.
2. In narrative self-referential commentary which is me saying "the stuff you did in the singing, but just more of it" but as I'm reading your article at the same time it's becoming harder for me to not be an intellectual snob. What can I say, I have histrionic personality disorder. But something along the lines of adding in here "We can't understand the plot; Maybe it doesn't have a lot; It's hard to work out; My sanity is at doubt; So why don't I just croon along." or something to that effect. I spent a total of three second writing that line, so I won't be offended if you don't use it.

With the exception of nothing in the PEEreview about concept, I agree with most of what's already been said, so I won't say it again. Pup t 01:23, 25/07/2009

Gotcha. Well, regardless of what happens, I think I'm going to shelve IOLT for a while, because writing it (and the revising it) was fairly involved. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:49, 25 July 2009 (UTC)

You mean the legendary Guild finally has too much on his plate! But... I thought you could do everything. Pup t 07:22, 25/07/2009

So did I...[sniff]...so did I.... —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:44, 25 July 2009 (UTC)

Draft

Homie, you iz on da clock. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 04:08, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Draft

Homie, you iz on da clock. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 04:08, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

You press 'save' multiple times a lot. Staircase CUN^t 04:14, 26 July 2009 (UTC)

Thanx. Also, Guildy is back up. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 22:56, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Thanx. Also, Guildy is back up. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 22:56, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

It's your turn

Someone forgot to tell you.--<<>> 01:25, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

And...

You stole Rnady Moss from me. Bastard. Staircase CUN^t 02:24, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Hah! Yeah, it was either him or Calvin Johnson. Then I realized Calvin Johnson plays for the Lions. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:27, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Whatever happened to Reggie Wayne? Staircase CUN^t 02:28, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Well, he did have sort of a disappointing season last year, but keep in mind that was because the Colts had no O-line and no run game. Now that Peyton's got a tandem backfield and therefore a fresh set of legs always behind him, plus an improved O-line, Indy should be able to get the whole play action thing rolling again. In short, (I think) Reggie will have a rebound next season, though not everyone is of a like mind, and so Reggie's ranked a little lower. I selected Moss because I'm willing to bet that he's going to be waiting for me in round four (provided Liver doesn't take him the pick before). And, even if he does, I should have either Greg Jennings or Roddy White to choose from. In any event, it's a win for me. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:32, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

You stole Drew Brees from me. Bastard. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 12:44,27July,2009

Well, Liver just grabbed Wayne with the pick just after mine, so I guess that kills my whole draft strategy for this round. Bummer. Also, Cheddar, your name was not on Drew Brees. Plus you've got McNabb at QB, so don't complain. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:47, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Did u see McNabb last season? I love the Eagles, but I'm gonna need a miracle. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 14:45,27July,2009

McNabb performed well down the stretch, which is all that matters, plus he's got some shiny new receivers to throw to. Statistically speaking, he should do alright. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:49, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Stats, schmats, who needs 'em. He'll either throw the ball good or not, and my guess is he won't. Staircase CUN^t 14:53, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Well, in FF, all that matters is stats, is what I'm saying. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:00, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Final Fantasy?--<<>> 15:13, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

you are up again, sir. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 12:55, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

my email

thisismyart@gmail.com ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 23:23, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

my email

thisismyart@gmail.com ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 23:23, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

Sent you an invite. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:25, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

Hi

Don't think I've ever said hi to you before but keep up the good writing. Anyway, I remember you said something once about killing all memes by 2010, well I'm trying to kill a big one right here on VFD and need some support. It would be appreciated. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 08:02, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Nice pick

I actually considered picking him instead of Romo, since he's such a great talent who'd fallen so far. Ah well...--<<>> 14:05, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Thank you. I always tend to wait on my RBs, seeings as you can seemingly always find guys like Chris Johnson in the later rounds. If Woody doesn't take Aaron Rodgers by the time I'm up next, I'm thinking about nabbing him, too. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:22, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

That would be just a little retarded of me, now wouldn't it? Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 14:23, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Hey, always be prepared.--<<>> 14:32, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

And you never know when I might go CRAZY! Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 14:34, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Is this when someone makes a joke about condoms? MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 14:34, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

No, straws. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 14:35, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Or some wacky combination of the two.--<<>> 14:36, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Oh Holy Mr. Guilder of le Steinsensterns

It's just about a week 'til my birthday (8/7). That means only about a week for presents! Go man go! 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 23:28,29July,2009

Don't worry about it, I've already got something in mind. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 03:58, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

Oh Goody!!! 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:28,30July,2009

Further liturgical discussion on the ramifications of Levitcus

I saw this last night and thought that you'd appreciate it. (Forgot to sign. Oops) Pup t 05:27, 30/07/2009

God, people in my country are stupid. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:41, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

Also, thanks for the video. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:41, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

To be fair, I know people like this in Australia as well, but most of them have friends living in Dallas. Pup t 05:48, 30/07/2009

Yeah, there are stupid religious people all over. Like pretty much every Muslim person to ever live. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:01, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

You ever been to Italy? One of the most religious places in the world (*ahem* the pope *ahem*). Someone on the street probably would've stoned the kid. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:35,30July,2009

I have not. Europe on the whole, though, is a lot less religious than the US. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:40, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

Actually, I know some really nice Muslims as well. It's unfortunate that a lot of them get tarred with the same "Jihad" brush. There's another sketch the chasers did earlier this year in Vatican city, but that was about Catholics rather than Christians. I was raised a Catholic, and the reality is Catholics don't follow the Bible, they follow the Catechism, which is a very different thing, even if based initially on the Bible. Pup t 21:24, 30/07/2009

I was raised Catholic too! And, by some astonishing coincidence, I'm also an atheist. Imagine that. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:48, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

'Tis your turn

Just sayin'.--<<>> 14:10, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

Thomas Isaac the Tank Engine

I've made a few changes since your first review and the second review from Chief, just like to know your gut reaction in regards to this as it currently appears. (I'm not after a full review, but feel free to say as much or as little as your like, and take your time as I'm juggling about five things at the moment. Thanks. Pup t 01:51, 31/07/2009

Sergio Leone

Not only have you written an article on one of my all-time favorite directors, you've fufilled one of the oldest requests on the site. Sir, I salute you. MadMax 17:46, 31 July 2009 (UTC)

This user created Sergio Leone, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested articles. You're welcome!

So, what do we do...

If RAHB is just abandoned us? Like, for months, or whatever?--<<>> 23:46, 31 July 2009 (UTC)

Replace him? Or auto-pick for him and then just keep track of his stuff? 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 23:58,31July,2009

When do we make a call of that nature, though? At a week?--<<>> 00:08, 1 August 2009 (UTC)

probably. I still say we should go ahead and autopick this round. It's been 2-3 days now (I lost count) 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 02:45,1August,2009

I left something on the Draft page, though I'll say it again here. Give it until the end of the weekend--RAHB may be extremely busy for all we know. If he still hasn't picked, we'll autopick for him. From then on out, everyone has 24 hours to make their pick. If they have not picked within 24 hours, they will be given the highest player according to Yahoo! ranks. So there. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:49, 1 August 2009 (UTC)

He also might be dead. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 02:58,1August,2009

Sounds good. (The plan, I mean. Not the chance he could be dead. That'd suck.)--<<>> 11:39, 1 August 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, I'll feel real bad if he is. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:02,1August,2009

I finally

Got that review done for you. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 00:59, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

CONGRATULATIONS

You are now the best friend of the world (for this month) 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 02:01,2August,2009

Your ban

Was more for consistency after I banned Sock and Dex than anything else, but when Mordillo puts that drama template on a VHF vote, don't bother responding to someone on the vote page, maybe take it to their talk page, OK? --UU - natter 14:50, Aug 3

I was banned? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:24, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

Yeah. For 5 minutes. Unlike me who got a bunch of unwarranted bans when I was doing work. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 15:25, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

Heh. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:27, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

One of us! One of us! 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:49,3August,2009

But which article was the argument on? 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:52,3August,2009

getting it rolling again

now we're truckin'. keep us going, sir. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:12, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

July 30th, 2009• Issue 58• Now Delivered Trendily Late!

Uncyclopedia Users Alter Time Itself By The Woodburninator This week: an update. As previously reported in an earlier news story, one month ago several well-known contributors went on a campaign to try and delete time itself. It is said they were trying to bring about an end to unfunniness throughout history, with the slight side effect of non-existence. But just as it looked as if their plan would come to fruition, cooler heads prevailed and stopped everything in its tracks. Since then, the plan has changed. Instead of deleting all that ever was, the users have decided it would be much more prudent to just change all of history to their liking. Several users have been seen spending their free time on User:Gwax/Timeline rebuild, in some cases changing events one year at a time, and in others trying to change entire millennia. How they are able to do this, no one is sure, though rumors of a DeLorean DMC-12 have been circulating. The outcomes of the project have, thus far, been very good for us for everyone. There was one unfortunate incident when a user tried to give his parents millions of dollars before he was born, but the extra money forced them to separate before he was conceived. All of a sudden he didn't exist, but then if he didn't exist, how could he have gone back in time to change anything? It caused a huge rift in space/time, a bit of a bother really. But we're happy to report that everything has been sorted out with no casualties only one casualty! Remarks from the community on the process have been nothing but positive. "In order to walk the road of peace, we need to climb the mountain of conflict," notable scholar TKF exclusively commented. We have our entire staff working around the clock to figure out what this means as we speak. Town drunk Dexter111344 was also heard mumbling about the subject. He blamed wizards for the whole thing, before stumbling away, probably to make more links to A wizard did it. Regardless, whether its wizards or time machines, the editing of the past continues as we speak, and will continue until all of history has been changed. Or until we get bored and move onto something else. Uncyclopedia Editors Conflicted Over Story Topic By Gerrycheevers Owing to the large amount of things happening in the last week, and also to the fact that this issue is unforgivably late, the editors of the UnSignpost were unable to settle on a single topic for the second story of this week's edition. The editors were also unable to agree on either two topics for a rare three-story issue or how many UnSignpost editors it takes to screw in a lightbulb (the UnSignpost staff has been left to ponder this question in the dark). As a decision could not be reached, it was decided after much deliberation and petty arguing that all of the candidate stories be mentioned rapid-fire in a single story, so as to confuse and irritate the reader and cause him to be required to navigate back to this issue to click on all of the links. These stories are as follows: Zombiebaron returns and petitions to end voting. His effort is parodied, rebutted, and parodied again. A link to Requested Articles is placed on the sidebar and MadMax commences handing out badges to requested article creators. Zombiebaron returns again to demand reskins, which we understand means he needs to replace all of his undead flesh with "fresh flesh". Cajek returns, but not really. VFH maxes out at 23 nominations at press time, including some discussion-inducing selections. More events certainly occured, but we can't be arsed to list everything for you.

Check out these pages! UN:REQ Gone Wilde! All the Greatest Music of the 80s, on Three Great Cassettes! Whose Sandwich? From our logs: 14:47, 26 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎(I banned a guy for too long this one time. Then I had nachos.) 20:40, 29 July 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 Minute (Constantly littering recent changes with thousands of really useful edits.) 20:45, 29 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎(Not having enough tits.) 15:17, 30 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 122.173.57.31 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(blanking? why not just wear a t-shirt proudly declaiming "I have no life"? it has much the same effect, but you might get away with claiming it's ironic...) Biopic of the Week Touching down on the Uncyclopedia runway in December '08, Saberwolf116 has quickly become one of the all-time great Pee Reviewers. With 86 of them under his belt, Saber has recently ridden off into a yellow sunset to pursue some sort of education, or something along those lines that will detract from his Uncyclopedia-ing. Return soon, fair Saberwolf! Old-School Featured Article of the Week Bold Speech to text software bold is the most wide Lee used applicate shin by lacy people who can knot be bother to type. It's bark tech know lodge-y has vast Lee bark improve in Reese cent years. Bark bark it is not recommend Ed bark four use in bark off is spaces bark with noisy bark dogs. Diabolical Plan to Overtake the Wiki of the Week It seems that UnSignpost co-chief editor Under user has recently succeeded in the first stages of producing a sewer-dwelling offspring (pictured). Rumors of UU using the as-yet-unnamed biological sockpuppet for activities of questionable morality are unconfirmed. Congratulations, UU! Reader Poll Results Last week we asked loyal UnSignpost readers to weigh in on the immensely interesting issue of formatting. There was no clear consensus on the subject, as it seems Uncyclopedians employ the full range of screen resolutions, and as such it's a wonder anyone can read the UnSignpost at all. The most telling aspect of the poll was its response rate, indicating that a full eight people read the UnSignpost.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

It's on time, you were just high and didn't realize when it got here! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 23:02, 3 August 2009 (UTC)

One half hour until you need to auto-pick for Staircase

By my calculations it would be Pierre Thomas (RB-NO). Am I correct?--<<>> 22:33, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Possibly. I dunno, we'll have to see. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:11, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Ur up. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 23:22, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

your move again good sir. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:30, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Quentin Tarantino

Shall I nominate it for you? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 01:28, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

Holy fuck. Um, I finished it about five minutes ago, but if you've read it already and think it deserves a highlight, then sure, go right ahead. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:31, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

Ah. I'll go right ahead. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 01:32, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

Longliver's pick

Are we giving him the best available player (Hines Ward - WR - Pit), or the best of what he needs (Rob Bironas - K - Ten)?--<<>> 17:28, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

Well, according to my tally, the highest-rated player is Kevin Smith of Detroit. However, since Liver seems to draft the best Colt available more often than not, I'm thinking his autopick is going to be Joseph Addai. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:13, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

Germans

Hi Guildy, long time no speak, nice work on Leone, Tarantino, Pious Christians etc.. it's really quite hard to keep up with your work tbh, but I haven't yet seen a mediocre article.

Regarding the request on the forums, I did leave a message for NBK earlier, but he appears to be absent anyway. The acronym is the HANEKE one and I just need to turn it into authentic-sounding German that would still be funny if you can only understand a couple of words as a non-German speaker. Haneke is a doomsday device and the pinnacle of depressive stimulus if you're wanting to know what ball park I need it to be in. Cheers :)--El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 15:15, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

Ah, gotcha. I actually watched Funny Games two weeks ago because of your article and its bringing of Haneke to my attention. Anyway, as soon as I work out something that works, I'll message you back. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:19, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

Cheers, I think I might have mentioned this before but - since it's so long since I've seen Funny Games - it's mainly "The Piano Teacher", "The Seventh Continent" and "71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance" that I'm working from at the moment. Especially "The Seventh Continent" which I really like actually, but can't imagine a more depressive or anti-consumerist anti-modernist nihilism-drenched film (don't watch it to be entertained btw, it's just masterful and doing exactly what it sets out to achieve, it's far from fun).--El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 15:26, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

Gotcha, I'll have to see it sometime. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:28, 8 August 2009 (UTC)

You're up, Sternenguildenstien

~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 05:49, 9 August 2009 (UTC)

Autopick

I find it a pain to go through the people left, and I know I'm gonna screw up my picks, and I don't care about the people left. So would you mind auto-picking my bench players, giving the highest available person? Thank you. Bitch. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 21:58,9August,2009

Sure, it would certainly speed things up a bit. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:03, 9 August 2009 (UTC)

Cool, but I do have one rule. PLEASE DON'T PICK ANYONE FROM THE STEELERS. I don't care if they're the best available pick, I do not want a Pithead on my team. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 22:25,9August,2009

Speaking of which, it's Cheddar's turn. If I pick for him (it'll be Tomorrow morning, apprx. 7AM EST, methinks), it'll be Kellen Winslow, Jr (TB-TE). You can, of course, pick whoever you want for the man.--<<>> 01:56, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

I really don't care who picks for me, as long as I don't get crap *ahem* Big Ben *ahem* 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 03:13,10August,2009

et tu, guildy. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:18, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Well, regretfully, I've decided that I want Michael Vick. I don't like the guy, but McNabb and Reid do, and he's an Eagle, so i'm gonna have to adjust to him. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 04:46,14August,2009

Just kidding, don't actually give him to me. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 13:30,14August,2009

UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

August 6th, 2009 • Issue 59 • Painfully Extracting Nuggets of Truth from the Teeth of the News!

Uncyclopedia Triples Ad Revenue; Users Line Up For Paychecks By Gerrycheevers This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor. However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behind Olipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day. A Hell of a Time at the Village Dump By Bad Shroom Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, and the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic. Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there any cool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on Public Access Channel 2!

Check out these pages! The 18th Quadrennial Slut List Obama Tosses the Patriot Act at Uncyclopedia STFU, N00B!! From our logs: 08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet ‎(tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!) 02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.) 02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.14.52.46 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.) Biopic of the Week Like most of the dozens of Uncyclopedians that hail from Norwell, Massachusetts, The UnIdiot is awesome. Perhaps most well known for his high quality journalism, he has also branched out into public service announcements and novelized fiction. We don't know what the deal with Norwell is; probably something to do with the water. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes. Cajek Update of the Fortnight Noted funnyman Cajek was recently spotted announcing his presence and simultaneously his lack of activity. However, he was also sighted vandalizing signatures and driving in a reckless manner, with a crumpet in his hand and a groundhog on his lap, respectively.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:57, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Chutes and Ladders

At the moment it looks quite better and the images are looking really good now. I really do like the examples of the board games as a metaphor for something else (e.g the guy being famous for his work on 'Free Parking') so if you are able to sprinkle those throughout the piece then it should be good. They also tie into the theme of 'board games are serious business' nicely so once you put more of those in it I would probably vote for it on VFH. --Sequence 01:04, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

Thanks. I'll make some more changes/additions in the near future, and then have you look at it again, if you don't mind. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 07:35, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

Okay I had a look over it again and I definitely think the footnotes are a great addition. It's looking very nice. --Sequence 12:17, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

VFH huh...Well I'll say that I would vote for it, but that's because I can appreciate humour even if it doesn't cause you to laugh out loud. At the moment it is still quite subtle humour for the most part so I can't vouch for how other people would vote (e.g some people base their vote on how many laughs they have throughout the piece. If you want to you could try putting it up for vote, or you could chuck it onto pee review and see if someone else gives you a different opinion to what I have said. Hope that helps, I'll support you whichever you choose. --Sequence 12:27, 14 August 2009 (UTC)

Well, if you like it, that's good enough for me. If it fails, I can always revise it again. Thanks. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 15:55, 14 August 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for helping make Six Hats a feature...

... by not voting against it! Pup t 09:37, 11/08/2009

Well, I probably would have voted For if I were a tad bit more familiar with the subject, so yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:48, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

That's cool. I'll let you make it up to me in whatever way you like! Pup t 10:04, 13/08/2009

VFH

Please stop commenting on against votes. Everyone gets to vote whichever way they want, and you don't need to express you opinion on these votes. Thanks. ~ 13:38, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

Fair enough. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:47, 11 August 2009 (UTC)

draft pace

hey guildy, i'll most likely not be around for my next few picks in the draft, but i just may, so could you pick for me if i haven't picked in, say, 2 hours? that way i might still catch it, but i won't hold you guys up to long if i'm away. if you do pick for me, please pick the highest remaining WR for the next pick, then the highest overall position player in each following round. thanks! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:47, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Will do, Cheevers. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:21, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Welp

It seems the draft has slowed to a crawl again. If I end up picking for Staircase, my pick would be Kellen Winslow, Jr., again, but it's becoming apparent you're looking at something very different from what I'm looking at when you pick, so I'll give you until I return from work to pick who YOU think he should pick. Cheers.--<<>> 11:36, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

I'm picking for him now, and yes, it does seem that way. I'm going by Yahoo's rankings in the "Pre-Draft Rankings" section. As players are picked, I add them to the "my rankings section." So yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:45, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, I'm using the mock draft figures at the same site. I guess that's what's been giving us the different numbers. I guess we can keep going as we've been, where you pick unless you're not available for a long time, then I'll pick.--<<>> 21:10, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Sounds good to me. We've only got four rounds left to do, so hopefully this'll all get wrapped up soon. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:37, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Incidentally, Staircase just gave his blessing for you to draft for him.--<<>> 00:17, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

And it is his turn, I believe. Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 00:50, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

Yes, it is. Why no one can be bothered to finish their drafts is beyond me, but whatever. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:04, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

Are you picking for Gerry?

Or am I? 'Cause it's time he was picked for.--<<>> 23:09, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

I got it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 01:42, 18 August 2009 (UTC)

Time to pick for Longliver

Unless you want me to, etc etc. Also, Chedz noticed he hasn't picked in like, three rounds, so we might want to shorten his time limit (only two more rounds, though, so not TOO much of a point... I think at one pick per day we'll still beat out the season.--<<>> 02:11, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

HANEKE

Cheers Guildy, I like that one a lot. NBKieler did get in contact actually and so I have an alternative, but I really like that one. It has the right amount of silliness, thanks --El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 09:56, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

Hah, wonderful, glad you like it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:13, 13 August 2009 (UTC)

The Foreign Office

Hi Guildy, you seemed interested in this project didn't you? Well the thing is, it seems to be very popular with the other uncycs so far, but ours doesn't seem to be doing much at all, apart from myself (and Dexter has put his name down too). Since noone seems to be replying seriously to the forum post anymore, I was wondering whether you'd like to be involved (unless you're busy) or whether you knew of any bilingual folk who might be interested.

The "-> English" page is here and several translations have been started so far (4 by me and 1 by Pirc). I don't know the best way of advertising the service other than the forum, any ideas? --El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 10:12, 15 August 2009 (UTC)

Yes, I am interested in the idea, though truth be told I would rather spend my efforts writing my own original work, and not translating that of others (and in all honesty my German isn't nearly good enough to translate anything anyway), so yeah. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:48, 15 August 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, I understand that too, no problem. What I was thinking more was to do a basic translation and then hand it over to the writer whose style is most similar to the desired end-product for them to put the finishing touches to. What do you think? Would you be up to that if you had the time? --El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 14:56, 15 August 2009 (UTC)

Eh, I suppose so. We'll see what happens, I guess. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:33, 15 August 2009 (UTC)

VFP

I nommed a pic. Check it out plz. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 23:15,15August,2009

if PCAS falls out of VDH now...

Does that make it an ultra-quasi feature, as at the moment it would have a HIGHER score than anything in there that would be picked as a feature, just been in there for a while... Pup t 21:04, 16/08/2009

Why would fail now? It's leading the next highest thing by two votes with only a day left until it gets its due, and its health is still in the 40s. If it is kicked out of the queue with less than a day before it's featured with a score higher than anything else, I would be FUCKING PISSED, and probably have some choice words for whatever brilliant admin decided to do that. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 21:21, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

Because by the "Health" it's the second lowest, and it has not been pushed over to featured yet. It would be a fucking stupid decision, agreed, but if six things were thrown into the queue now, then that would put the total number to 21, which would mean that it would be eligible to be failed (low health) as it would be to be featured (highest score). I honestly can't work out why it hasn't gone to feature yet as health is not used to decide what to feature and it has a higher score than a number of these. Pup t 08:23, 17/08/2009

Correction: when you have two articles with the same score, the one with the higher health will be featured. ~ 08:26, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Okay. Is there any articles at the moment with a higher score? If I spam the VFH queue with new articles (quality or not, still within the 3 day rule) do you choose which article goes through to VFH prior to working our which gets removed? Not arguing, understand, just confused. Pup t 08:43, 17/08/2009

All goes to common sense, I'm not going to remove PCAS just because someone spams the VFH with a few articles. The only way it's not going to make a feature if we'll have a few more articles beating it to the feature queue by a higher score in which case its health will drop further. To be honest, normally I'd remove it since it's been there for quite some time, but at the moment it doesn't seem like something is going to overtake its score. ~ 08:50, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

Gotcha. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:17, 17 August 2009 (UTC)

That clears it up... sorry if it seemed I was being critical, just curious. Oh, and w00t! Pup t 03:17, 18/08/2009

Hah, it's all good, and thank you. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:43, 18 August 2009 (UTC)

Thanks—the remake

Thank you for supporting! Sir MacMania GUN—[21:26 16 Aug 2009]

Why, thank you for the compliment! Sir MacMania GUN—[21:32 16 Aug 2009]

UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that just got hijacked by Woody and Ape. Mwhahahaha!

Date August 13th, 2009 • Issue 60 • Taking the News, Making it Better

UnSignpost Editor Disappears; UnSignpost Suffers Mysterious Drop in Quality By The Woodburninator August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy. Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again. In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door." Bastard. Uncyclopedian creates Trivia Bot, ruins everything By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer. EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points. Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent troll invasion of Yahoo! Answers. EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly. New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides By The Woodburninator In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.

Check out these pages! International fucking of sorts Wikipedia gets uglier! Racist apes demand equal pay From our logs: 14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.165.47.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?) 14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons) 15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds ‎ (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!) Biopic of the Week Perhaps the finest research analyst from Boston that Uncyclopedia has ever seen, Gerrycheevers is among one of the most awarded users on the site. He has performed the rare feat of capturing Every single major monthly Award this site has to offer, plus NotM too. Add that to his 21.5 features, the class and dignity with which he has won them all, and his constant efforts as the main editor of the UnSignpost, it would seem that the reign of Cheevers is just begining. That is if he ever gets back here. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do. VFD vote of the week "With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Roman Dog Bird 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC) Sannse Trivia (from UncycTrivia) Q: Sannse moved to San Francisco because she is a ______ (hint: it starts with an "L") A: Liberal Actually, now we need another box. Woody, you fucking idiot.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  20:45, Aug 18