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From today's featured article
John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond 
to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
- ... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
- ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
- ... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
- ... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
- ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
In the news
- So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
- Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
- Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Ongoing: Eurovision Green Room in danger of sexual harassment • The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day
Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • Dawson (Pictured)
Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce
On this day
February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day
- 804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats.
- 1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan.
- 1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead.
- 1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes.
- 1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it.
- 1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection.
- 2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences.
Picture of the day
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"Hey, guys! Where ya goin'? I'm all packed and... aaaww, shit, there goes the bus." Image credit: Some user |
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