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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

White people (also delicately called Crackas, Caucasians, Europoids and Honkies) are pasty, melanin-deficient humans who have been sprinkled throughout the planet to exploit its resources and boss around everyone of more humble colors. White people are allegedly smart (in ways that don't really matter) and complain about stupid stuff, even though they have it better than every other race. Despite having more privilege than can fit in a human body, they don't believe this is the case and in fact, feel entitled to even more and want to you know this all the time. In fact, whites love to hear themselves talk so much that they assemble entire collections of their own words (known as books) which are mostly about them.

Whites discriminate against everyone else. Non-whites, by comparison, don't discriminate against whites, because they don't have majority power, so it isn't discrimination even if they do. This means that even if a Chinese person said the most outrageous sounding racist thing against a cracker, it wouldn't be racist (see logic in previous sentence). If you don't get it, then you're racist. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?

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In the news [edit]

The face of HATE!

Vatican commits simony
YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE (Pictured)
Scientists revive some dead wolves because they can
Steve's Lava Chicken shut down due to health code violations
Wayne Gretzky's all-time regular season goal record broken by Putin's Instagram buddyboo
Donald Trump receives prestigious award for destroying the stock market
Kid (and ball) escape narrow car crash
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. engulfs every panda bear in existence
Kardashian and Ye do washed up things
We have road copters

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Everyone ditching some Disney live-action remake for A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • Americans scrambling last-minute to pay their taxes

Recent deaths: Meghan Markle's Netflix show • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyes and ears • Val Kilmer • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Your 401K • Jay North • The playoff bids of all New York State NHL teams

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global Economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Columbus Blue Jackets' playoff chances

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On this day [edit]

Why didn't you get on the door Jack what are you a dumbass

April 15: Sinking of James Cameron's The Titanic Day

1 AD - The IRS is invented by angry accountants, thousands mourn.
1865 - Abraham Lincoln leaves a scathing Yelp review of Ford's Theatre on his way to the afterlife.
1912 - The RMS Titanic strikes an errant iceberg and starts to sink (Pictured), thankfully the passengers use the ship's many doors as makeshift life rafts and all survive.
1912 - Meanwhile, dozens of innocent Polar bears are severely injured as their iceberg is struck by an overrated piece of metal. Icebergs later sue for libel, loses to jury with three cruise ships.
1947 - Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier, then reimburses Major League Baseball for it.
1989 - The Tiananmen Square square protests erupt over absolutely nothing. Move along, citizen.
2013 - Two Chechens bomb the Boston Marathon, Mark Wahlberg's pupils turn into dollar signs like in the cartoons.

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Picture of the day

A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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