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From today's featured article 

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I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.

I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.

Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.

No the fuck you don't. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

Barenaked Denver-Broncos.jpg
  • ... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)
  • ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
  • ... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
  • ... that I am Batman?
  • ... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
  • ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
  • ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?

In the news 

Luigi arrested for CEO killing.png
"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • NBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump Dance" • Bill Belichick going insane
Recent deaths: Brian Thompson (United Healthcare CEO) • Democrat party • Diddy's career • The Eras Tour • Alabama football's championship bid • The white guy from The Mod Squad
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Benjamin Netanyahu • Jay-Z's career and freedom • Kate Middleton • Aaron Rodgers' career

On this day 

It could be worse...

December 21: Personal Hygiene Day

  • 678 BC - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
  • 677 BC - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
  • 631 BC - The War of 1812 ends.
  • 521 BC - Two slightly inebriated Mayans and a French guy come up with an ingenious way to scare the shit out of the future population of the Earth by the means of a calendar.
  • 477 BC - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
  • 322 BC - Megalo-maniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil 'turns him on'.
  • 10 BC - Roman emporer Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels were outlawed under pain of death.
  • 1500 - Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
  • 1939 Hitler invades France. After realising he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia
  • 1967 The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
  • 1979 Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The rising of Darth Leia comes to theaters
  • 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
  • 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from John Greeves, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
  • 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
  • 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
  • 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
  • 2005 - Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
  • 2006 - Personal hygiene forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the french quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic. Celebratory riots last into the new year
  • 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The Government promptly forces everone to brush their tongues.
  • 2012 - World Ends only to be repopulated seconds later.
  • 2017 - Saw XVI is a deathday movie which kills anyone who watches

Picture of the day

Amazing Seizure Lad
 "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come one, come all, step right up and see the Amazing Seizure Lad! Behold in amazement his contracting tonic muscles! Gasp in awe at his prolonged clonic phase! Feel your heart race at the very sight of his convulsions! His eyes will roll backwards, but we guarantee that yours will be glued to this 4-year-old prodigy! Tonight only at the Palace Theatre!"

Image credit: TheLedBalloon
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