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From today's featured article
Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)
- ... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
- ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
- ... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
- ... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
In the news
- Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
- Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
- Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
- The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
- US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
- Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
- Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
- Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed
Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?
Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons
On this day
March 16: International Toaster Day
- 1066 - Soldiers in the Battle of Hastings from both the Norman and English sides are set upon by wild toasters, less than two hundred survive.
- 1823 - Famed peanut maestro George Washington Carver sets out on an expedition to the California Redwood forests to study toasters.
- 1843 - The first toaster ranch is established in Peyote, Wyoming, with over three dozen domestic toasters.
- 1883 - PETA (People for Ethical Toaster Advocacy) protest against the cruel practice of hunting toasters as a recreational sport.
- 1931 - During construction of the Empire State Building, a fossil of a Tyrannotoasterus is unearthed, sparking interest in the new field of Toasteropaleontology.
- 1975 - A toaster escaping from a traveling circus in Alabama escapes captivity and mauls four people and dozens of raw bread slices before being killed by local Appliance Control authorities.
Picture of the day
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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault |
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