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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

The velociraptor is a pickup-truck-sized bipedal carnivore with an extended stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bears a sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs, measuring up to 67 millimeters (2.6 inches) around its outer edge.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks but, due to global warming and some unexpected disasters on said island, they are now being seen all over the world. Velociraptors are known for their highly coordinated packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their nearly successful attempts to destroy humanity (Y2K and 2012) and the fact that they can open doors seemingly effortlessly. (Full article...)

Cyberbullying is like regular bullying except it's not really bullying. It was a term invented by whiny losers who didn't like it when I called Trevor a homo online, and then Trevor tattled to his mom, and then his mom told my mom, and then I got grounded for a month, I couldn't even play Minecraft, gawd! Just because I called Trevor a homo bitch (and it wasn't even a gay slur)! Cyberbullying is not real because it's not even in real life and Trevor deserved it because he ruined my iron farm when I was AFK, and he blamed it on a creeper even though I put torches everywhere, and my iron farm wasn't even on the ground, it was really high, so it couldn't spawn in a cave because you can't even reach it without an Elytra! And that homo wrecked it. So tell me, how would a creeper get up there Trevor? Huh? You just wanted to destroy it because I said your family was poor and uses more food stamps than the rest of us. That farm was everything to me you homo (which I mean virtually, and not real like). (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?

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In the news [edit]

One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in Washington

Recent deaths: FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford • Baltimore Ravens' pride • New York Mets' postseason dreams • The US Government's money • Jane Goodall

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys', Cincinnati Bengals' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol • The Yankees' postseason run

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On this day [edit]

October 9: Weasel Day

1754 - It is alleged by some that on this day, Weasel words probably were invented.
1862 - The Cheasel is invented.
1937 - The Spleen weasel is discovered in Paris.
1961 - Ferret racing is invented in Australia.
1964 - Jeff Bezos is born.
2007 - A woman gives birth to a weasel.

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