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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Such woe, my bladder filled right to the brim,
If but perchance I sought to take a leak
Yet now my pantaloons now stainèd swim
In urine which now dribbles down my feet!
If only to the loo I'd gone posthaste,
Such musings are the act of lesser men;
My fav'rite pair of leggings would not waste,
But truth be told, I'll piss my pants again.
I never learned to listen to 'ol Blad
My colon wretches yet I never poo
Now brown and yellow mix with tidings glad,
Instead of me relaxing on the loo.
(Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
...that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?

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In the news [edit]

Well, that says a lot...

Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland (Pictured)
Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10

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On this day [edit]

September 18: God's Birthday. Happy birthday, God!

Infinity B.C. - God is born. Exactly how this happens remains of of the great mysteries of time, especially since the date is known with precision.
4004 B.C. - God receives the universe as a birthday present, but loses interest when He discovers that it is infested with parasites
3200 B.C. - S'dhkai, a canaanite, is struck down by lightning when he forgets God's birthday.
1300 B.C. - God decrees to his peoples that the holiest Number shall be 91. When griping ensues, God relents and changes to the much easier to remember 7.
854 A.D. - God creates Hell once the most wicked neighborhoods of Heaven reach capacity.
2001 - God gets drunk at His birthday party and passes out in Buddha´s bathroom.
2005 - God is found passed out drunk in a dumpster behind a Denny's. God is forced to attend rehab.

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Picture of the day

One of the last surviving scans of John Aglethorpe's infamous Ode to the Monotony of Life, a nearly year-long piece composed of alterations between A sharp and B flat tied together.

Image credit: Dr. Skullthumper
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