User:Aleister/Walk into a bar
A priest, a rabbi, and a pirate walk into a bar. The pirate says "Give me a double." The priest thinks he said "Give me a devil" and is speechless. The rabbi says "I'll have what he's having."
If a Zen Buddhist walks into a bar, and nobody is there to hear her, does she get hammered or is the bar itself a hammer?
A Mormon, a Mormon and a Mormon walk in to a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you?". They each reply in turn, "Juice, please." and thank the bartender politely when he gives them their drinks. They then sit and talk quietly enough about the Book of Mormon that no one near them is bothered and they have a thoroughly pleasant and uncontroversial evening.
An existentialist walks into a bar, thus proving its existence.
A solipsist walks into a bar, though doubting whether the bar he just entered really exists, he's too absorbed in thought to get around to ordering a drink. He goes back outside and starts touching the walls of the bar in hopes of determining whether the bar really exists. Not much later, the bartender comes out and says: "Look, you're distressing my customers with your constant knocking on the walls. If you're not gonna drink anything, please go bother people someplace else." The solipsist is taken aback by the sudden appearance of the bartender and yells: "You! You must be a projection of my subconsciousness! Tell me! Is any of this real? Is it??" "Get lost, you crazy loon," the bartender annoyedly replies, going back inside and paying no further attention to the solipsist for the rest of the evening. The solipsist later dies of dehydration.
A nihilist doesn't drink.
An existentialist, a solipsist and a nihilist walk into a bar. The existentialist and the solipsist start debating the existence of the bar they're in. Meanwhile, the universe starts collapsing around them, unable to cope with the paradox of a nihilist doing as much as moving his feet.
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
A solipsist walks into a bar with Wittgenstein and starts complaining about how he should be able to dream up a better bar already. Wittgenstein smashes a beer bottle into the solipsist's head: "Dream that, punk!"
An Allosaurus walks into a Barosaurus. "One beer, please," he asks. "I'm not that kind of bar, silly," replies the Barosaurus. "My bad," says the Allosaurus as he proceeds to snap the Barosaurus' neck and tear at its flesh.
A centuries-old vampire walks into a bar and orders a drink of blood. "The blood bank is right across the street, sir," says the bartender. "Ah, my apologies, good man. My eyesight isn't what it used to be," replies the vampire. The vampire then crosses the street and gets hit by a car.
An astrophysicist, a forensic antropologist, and a girl walk into a bar. The girl orders a Coke, and the astrophysicist and forensic antropologist rape her on the pool table.
A sailor from USS Eldridge, the ship used for the Philadelphia Experiment, literally walks into a bar.
Google China walks into a bar. ████ █ ███ ███ ████ █ ████ ████
Mark Sanford walks into a bar and, finding himself suddenly in Argentina, is very confused but grateful and all goosebumpily.
The 2012 GOP U.S. presidential candidates walk into a bar. Rick Santorum, a fervent homophobic Christian, asks if there's any gay people in the place. Upon being assured that yes, the plague has spread here, and they're so damn cute!, Santorum chokes on his beer and runs for dear life. Newt Gingrich, a cheesy-looking obese money-loving Jew turned papist, asks to see the owner. When meeting him, he skillfully talks him into paying protection money, sells him an honorary award, eats all his salty snacks, then sneaks out of the bar to count his loot and practice piety. Ron Paul, a devout Libertarian, seeks out the drug dealers and the hos, and spends the night partying with the people while talking about freedom and shit. As this human commerce and consumption went on all around him, Mitt Romney, a pious Mormon and the most cold-hearted calculating motherfucker you'll ever have the pleasure of not meeting, asks for a beer, then for a tequila, then changes his mind and asks for a beer, then refuses the beer and asks for a tequila, then changes his mind and asks for a beer, then changes his mind and...
Barack Obama, a closeted puppet of the ruling class, walks into a bar but is unable to order a drink without his telepromter. As he waits for Axelrod to set it up he flashes everyone that winning smile, and suddenly the drinks are on the house!
An Englishman, an Isrealite, and an Australian walk into a bar. As they're sitting there with their first round, a fly comes in and states buzzing around them. The Englishman shoos the fly away. The Isrealite shoos the fly away. The Australian grabs it mid-air and eats it. A little while later another fly starts buzzing around. The Englishman shoos it away. The Israelite grabs the fly, turns to the Australian, and asks "Do you want to buy a fly?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a delicious glass of Baileys. It tastes wonderful and he has the best night of his life. Drink Baileys. This joke is brought to you by Baileys.
A mouse and a snake walk and crawl into an elephant bar and order up gin 'n' tonics. All of the elephants run out screaming, because elephants can't stand gin. "A bit overreactive," says the barkeep. "Indubitably," intones the mouse. "Rather," hisses the snake.
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. The bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day and asks the bartender if he has any grapes. Once again, the bartender says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes, to which the bartender replies, "Listen, duck, a lot of good people come here to rest after a long day of work. They don't want to see you walk in every day like an imbecile and ask if I have grapes. If you want grapes, go to the supermarket, but if you come back again, I swear to God, I will lynch your little duck ass." The duck leaves, comes back the next day, and asks the bartender: "Got any nooses?"
An oyster, a peacock, and a barmaid walk into a bar. The peacock, who owes the owner money, hides behind the oyster and pretends to be the voice of the barmaid. "My good man," said the peacock's puppet, "pour me a tall one." "Can't do it Jill," exclaimed the kind owner, "you work here and you've got an oyster and a frenchman propping you up." The peacock ran as fast as it could and got out of there, the oyster and the barmaid shrugged it off, and within the hour they were sipping good vodka and watching the road to see what time migration started.
A hypochondriac walks into a sterile, vacuum-sealed bubble. He then rolls into a bar and tries to order a gin and tonic, but refuses to let the bartender reach inside his bubble because he is afraid of germs. He later suffocates.
The man leaves the hospital and goes back to the bar. He decides to use the door this time. He pushes the door when it says 'pull,' walks into the door, and receives another concussion.
The persistent man again leaves the hospital, goes to the bar, pulls the door, and walks into the bar. He asks for a drink. "Are you sure you want to drink so soon after getting out of the hospital?" says the bartender. The man replies, "You know, you're right. I can't drink to my health, imagine how dumb that would make me look," and goes home. "Ironic," says the bartender.
A blind man walks into a bar. I'm not surprised he didn't see it.
A man walks into a bar and says "I need a double scotch. My doctor just told me I'm going blind." the man behind the bar says "He was right. This is a butcher shop."
A tinman, a scarecrow, and a good witch walk into a bar. The tinman eats french fries and goes to take a piss, the scarecrow accidently pours beer on his hay, and the good witch turns everybody into pudding and laughs and laughs and laughs. The moral of the story: Tinmen piss oil, scarecrows are clumsy bastards, and, wouldn't you know it, good witches can't hold their liquor.
Admiral Ackbar walks into a bar and exclaims "IT'S A TAP!"
Akbar the Great walks into Admiral Ackbar and proclaims: "You! You have brought shame upon the name of Akbar! Die!" Admiral Ackbar flees into Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina and encounters Han Solo. With Akbar and his men on his trail, he pleads for Solo's help. As Akbar the Great walks into the bar, Solo shoots him and Admiral Ackbar exclaims "Han shot first!"
A policeman walks into a bar and tries to take out some money. The bartender, too polite to correct him, hands him a five dollar bill.
A priest, a nun, and a fire-breathing dragon walk into a bar. The priest orders an Irish coffee and tells the story of the time he cut a baby in half and then fucked both halves of the baby before it died, and felt bad about it because half the baby got more of his attention. The nun sips her warm and nicely brewed tea and says "A wise man once told me 'Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Gathering my sticks and stones, I put the fucker out of his misery, but his words stayed with me, and hurt me." The dragon listens to these two reminisce about the good times, takes a stiff swig of his whiskey, coughs, and accidently burns a napkin and a menu.
A lawyer walks into a bar and drinks a coffee with redbull while he speeds through twenty briefs and takes thirty calls. He pays the bar tender and promptly leaves without even a good-bye. The bar tender clears the lawyers cups, discarded sugar packets and other lawyer discards and puts the 50 dollar tip in his pocket. He picks up the remote and channel surfs grumbling to himself, "man...there's never anything on".
My dad walks into a bar. He's barely been home since mum died.
A shapeshifter turns into a bar.
My penis walks into a bar. And when I say bar I mean hot babe, and when I say walks I mean "thrusts erotically". Anyway, the barman says "what'll it be?" and by barman I mean the hot babe's clitoris, and he doesn't say "what'll it be?" he says "oh yeah, that's the spot, right there." By the way I don't have a punch line, I just wanted to let you all know that I'd scored.
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendré... so he gave her one.
I, my cats, and a handpuppet walk into a makeshift bar I made with a card table and a sheet late one Saturday night. See Marie, I can still have a good time without you! We're having a blast, right guys?
Three guys of different ethnicity and religion walk into a bar and sit down on their regular creaky stools. One of them after a small pause says to the other "boy are we getting old". --
A masochist walks into a bar. Then he walks into the bar again. He walks into it again, harder. He walks into it faster. Faster, and harder. Again and again. Harder, oh god harder. Don't stop. Yes, yes, harder, HARDER. OH MY SWEET JESUS HARDER! HARDER. AH, AH, AH, AAAAAaaah. Then he lights a cigarette.
Your mom crosses the road to walk into a bar to screw in a lightbulb. She gets inside and the bartender, who happens to be Confucius, says, "So, what's the deal with that airline food?" to which a blond in the back of the room replies, "The Aristocrats!"
A man walks into a bar where he has agreed to meet with a talent agent concerning some pressing business. He has brought his family with him, but leaves them in the car. He explains to the talent agent that he has a family act. The agent believes that family acts are old fashioned, and tells the man as much. But the man says his family act it unique. He calls his wife on her cell phone, and she brings the family in. The man's children all shit into each other's mouths, fuck each other, shit on each other's chests, orally pleasure strangers in the bar, and funnel large amounts of alcohol into every orifice. Then, just when the talent was about to puke for the fifteenth time, they stop. Before he passes out from shock, the agent asks "What do you call that?" "The Aristocrats!"
A horse walks into a bar. It says, "I'll have something funny to say once the winner of the punchline contest is announced by the magazine."
A cat walks into a bar. He orders milk. Everyone laughs. Everyone dies.
A palindrome walks into a bar. It starts okay but ubya kost rats tiraba otnisk law em or dnila pa.
I walk into bars to drown my sorrows. The thing that makes me saddest is how often I go to bars.
Four guys named "His Penis," "Sooper Horney," "Making Numbertoo In My Pants Right Now," and "My Tushyhole" walk into a bar. They have a fine old time, but as they are leaving, My Tushyhole begins to develop a rash. He tells Sooper Horney, "Quick, see if the bartender has any ointment for my rash." Sooper Horney runs into the bar, screaming, "My Tushyhole has a rash! My Tushyhole has a rash! Does anyone have ointment for My Tushyhole?" The customers stare at him horrified, and the bartender asks, "Who are you?" "Me? Oh, I'm Sooper Horney." The bartender then retorts, "Get out of my bar, weirdo, or I'm calling the cops." Frightened, Sooper Horney runs out of the bar but runs into His Penis, knocking him unconscious. "Run into the bar," he yells to Making Numbertoo In My Pants Right Now, "And get me some ice." Making Numbertoo In My Pants Right Now dashes into the bar and shouts to the bartender, "My friend is Sooper Horney and hurt His Penis. Now His Penis is all red and swollen. Do you have any ice for His Penis?" The bartender looks at him strangely and asks, "Who are you?" "Me? Oh, I'm Making Numbertoo In My Pants Right Now." The bartender calls the cops and the four friends are arrested for being weirdos.