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Events

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

Today

Other Days

The Rite of Spring, you had to read the alt text to get it didn't you

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day

1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.

Archive

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that there is one imposter among us?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?

... that my English teacher is gay? (Pictured)

... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

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