Antipasta

A ball of Antipasta said to exist at the heart of the Universe is so dense that it is considered to be unravelable.

“If Antipasta and Alphabet Spagetti were to come into contact it could spell disaster for us all...”

~ Carl Sagan

In Pasticle Physics, Antipasta is composed of anti-ingredients in the same way that pasta is composed of ingredients. For example, an antiegg and some antiwheat with a bit of anti-water can form an antipasta dish, in the same way that eggs, wheat and water can be used to create a pasta dish. Antipasta emerged during the 17th century and the enlightenment with no small fight back from the Vatican church. Humanity was fearful of anti-pasta in historic time which led to witch burnings and anti-pasta bonfires. Those were primitive times and now humanity celebrates anti-pasta, even in North Korea where anti-kimchi-noodles sell on the black market, even under the threat of a lifetime of slave labour.

History

Many theories surrounding Antipasta were developed by Italian physicist Galileo Linguini which challenged pastacentric thinking. The Vatican was threatened by the idea that, for example, macaroni and anti-macaroni, when coming into contact with one another, would annihilate into nothingness. Only God can create nothingness, not puny human chefs. Over time as public attitudes shifted, the church had to accept that anti-pasta was a thing and a thriving trade in anti-pasta culinary excellence spread throughout the world. The first Michelin star restaurant to serve anti-pasta was Chez Le Snob in Marseille where special plates were designed to avoid explosions with anti-food contact. Since then humanity has developed ways for humans to eat anti-pasta without incinerating their innards.

Origin and asymmetry

People have long assumed divine significance to pasta, from earliest times religion and science have clashed on the subject.

Almost all pasta observable from the Earth seems to be made from pasta rather than antipasta. Many scientists believe that this preponderance of pasta over antipasta (known as Spaghettoid Asymmetry) is the result of an imbalance in the production of antipasta particles in the early universe, after its creation by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. One way of making sense of quantum-pasta-particles is the increasingly accepted theory that dark-pasta accounts for a large percentage of the culinary mass of the universe, which explains why the universe is stretching faster and faster until the very dough of the universe might break. It is believed that anti-pasta-particles spontaneously appear and disappear and that they exist in a probability wave which only collapses when it is consumed and tasted.

Consumption

Only anti-humans can eat anti-pasta without taking great efforts to avoid instant painful death. Gilileo Linguini was the first to experiment with coating anti-pasta with a special substance (Unobtanium) which magically and inexplicably avoids the pasta exploding on contact with the mouth. Since then scientists have developed methods for people to each dishes such as anti-lasagna where the unobtanium is so well developed that the anti-food passes through the human stomach, intestines, bowels and anus without any direct contact with normal human matter. Special anti-toilets filled with anti-water need to be in place to avoid people's defecations becoming literal bombs as they hit the inner receptacle of the toilet.

Vermicelli Theory and Quantum Pasta

Long has it being thought that pasta that does not conform to standards of Euclidean geometry. Dried anti-pasta prefers ecliptic and hyperbolic shapes which enable crevices in the space-time continuum which soak up stray rays of galactic particle steam, peppered with long strings of anti-quantum-pasta-plasma. Supporters of the String Theory maintain that long, linear strips of anti-pasta does not allow for this. Proponents of the Ravioli model put forward the theory that chunky "pockets" exist between two ionised layers of embedded multi-universes, speculating in a universal "omnipasta" or "multipasta".

Artificial Antipasta Production

Anti-Spaghetti was reported in November 2009 to have been produced at the Large Carbonara Colander in Geneva. It is expected that it will address the most fundamental questions of molecular gastronomic theory. It was build by a modest EU fund of €50b and is expected to pay off well, not in financial reward but in satisfying human curiosity about the origins of human comfort food and the mysteries of anti-consumption. Gaining knowledge to this helps humanity and transcends the dent in European union citizen's wallets and therefore their foodie budgets.

Criticism & Controversy

Despite the evidence provided for Antipasta's existence, some groups remain sceptical as to its benefits to Culinary Science, and indeed, some even question whether it actually occurs naturally outside the laboratory. They point to the lack of physical evidence for other negatively-charged carbohydrates, such as Antirice or the elusive Higgs-CousCous. Meanwhile, the rest of the world continues to enjoy their anti-pasta, carefully prepare it in a highly controlled kitchen, consume it whilst avoiding any chewing, sit down for 10 hours whilst it digests and then ensuring their last testament and will is in order before shitting it out. It is a glorious anti-experience and one not even the skeptics can take away.

See Also

• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Pizza
• Pasta
• Spaghetti
• Worms