UnNews:Yankees Suck
“So do I!”
– Mark Sanchez on sucking
“So do we!”
– The entire city of New York on sucking
Friday, November 21, 2025
Boston, Massachusetts
Amid various events worldwide of no varying importance, it has been discovered that the New York Yankees do indeed suck big-time donkey ass.[2]
The discovery came after every college within a 30-mile radius of Boston realized that every problem the Boston Red Sox ever had could be blamed on the Yankees.[3] Even the ones they had no part in. (cough, everything between 1918 and 2003 or so, cough) For more information, see the following table.
| Suck Level | Thing that may or may not suck |
|---|---|
| None | Anything relating to the city of Boston |
| Slight | The design of the Boston City Hall |
| Moderate | Vacuums, you |
| Quite a bit | The Butt-fumble, prostitutes |
| Major | Any Cleveland team, anything else related to New York |
| Yankee-level | New York Yankees |
With the groundbreaking technology known as a Ouija board, we managed to get the following from George Costanza Steinbrenner, former manager of the Yankees:
“Youse needa shut youse mouth! You damn lyahs! We don't suck!”
– George Steinbrenner
Amidst the discovery, the United States was divided into factions, with the only Yankee forces being clustered in a 20-mile radius of Yankee Stadium. We managed to reach out to several fans in Red Sox Nation for comments.
“We've known it from the damn start! THEY DO SUCK!”
– Anonymus, Worcester, Mass.
“News? This isn't ne- hey, that guy has a Yankees hat on! MAKE HIM ONE WITH THE PAVEMENT! SHOVE A WHALE BONE UP HIS DICKHOLE!”
– Louie Bootstrap, Springfield, Mass.
Sadly, our reporter was killed in the violent mob that quickly gathered. They're here now? Let's go join 'em! FUCK YEAH! YANKEES SUCK!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Guy, Some; "Yankees suck!" Just about any day at Fenway Park
- Hrodulf; UnNews:Yankees get asses handed to them, 21 July 2007