UnNews:ICE agents sighted confiscating ice cream from American citizens
Thursday, December 11, 2025
Before you get started reading this article, make sure all of your frozen desserts are stored securely in your freezer with at least three hardened steel bicycle locks, then lock all of those locks together with another lock. Your ice cream will thank us later.
This just in, our brave UnNews field reporters have narrowly escaped the ongoing development of ICE agents living up to their namesakes and stealing everyone's ice cream under the presumption it was imported illegally. Although most imported ice cream in the United States is imported legally, and illegally imported ice cream is on average better for the economy than normal ice cream, the agents on people's doorsteps don't care about any of that. They're just looking for any excuse to steal people's ice cream they can find.
People whose ice cream was confiscated by the agents have mentioned that the agents told them the ice cream would be returned to its country of origin. The reason behind this is supposedly because American-made ice cream tastes better than imported ice cream, and the agents just want to ensure citizens that the country has only the best ice cream on store shelves. Ice cream enthusiasts (or "extremists" as the agents have been calling them) across the country have been pushing back against this falsehood, and demanding people be allowed to have whatever flavour.. erm okay, flavor as you prissy Americans spell it.. of ice cream they want, not just what the government thinks the best ice cream flavor is.
Perhaps a galvanizing force behind all this backlash is the widespread belief that the government is prioritizing vanilla ice cream above all other flavors of ice cream, and looking at the statistics, it's true; 99% percent of ice cream confiscated by the agents have been chocolate or toffee flavored, compared with only 0.01% of confiscations being for vanilla ice creams, indicating a potential bias in confiscations. The government's official reasoning for this is that chocolate flavored ice cream poses a risk to traditional American ways of life due to their different cultural values and the presence of multiple languages on their cartons. The government refused to comment on how any of these are bad things and instead starting rambling about how good vanilla ice cream is.
Anyone with taste buds at this point should be reasonably outraged, as government-mandated vanilla ice cream is likely to replace everyone's current ice cream flavors in the near future. Vanilla ice cream can taste good when you add toppings to it, but by itself, it's pretty boring. The consensus is that the American people want and value diverse flavors of ice cream, and the government's attack on ice cream flavors is deeply disrespectful, but that they also aren't going to do anything about it because they have to go to work in five minutes.
Wait a minute... ice cream... this sounds familiar, doesn't it? Let me check back with our field reporters...
activates walkie talkie
...Have you got him? The ICE leader?... Perfect. Unmask him at once.
It's him? You sure? Excellent. Great field work as always.
deactivates walkie talkie
BY THE GODS, IT'S JOE BIDEN! I KNEW IT! EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS BIDEN'S FAULT! I HATE THE DEMOCRATS!!!!!!