The Finals
 | Current player count of The Finals: 2.28 people, including the author of the page and his second account. |
 | This article is relevant only for the season 7 of the game |
“The best game of the millennium![1]”
“The game is dying, no one is playing it.”
The Finals - the self-proclaimed best competitive shooter of this and all other universes.[1] An elite club of connoisseurs has gathered around the game, which is why its average number of players on SteamBB is negative.
The player has to participate in a virtual competition. Unlike the million-dollar prizes and chronic hemorrhoids that the winners of Dota 2 or Counter Strike competitions get, the best players of The Finals receive... good vibes...
The game is sponsored by Republican Party of USA, Freemasons from Coca Cola, suits from AT&T and personally Mythbusters, a representative of all the above-mentioned groups.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
At the very beginning, each player is transported into virtual reality to participate in amazing global-wide crypto fraud. The player's goal is to entertain the audience with numerous war crimes and earn money by it. In the future, these virtual assets should lead a person to a bright future, endless fame and wealth. But, as in any crypto scam, only the owner of the company always wins, and the player crumbles into a pile of golden (Zimbabwean) bitcoins.
The game features complete destructibility of everything: the buildings, the environment, the opponents' faces... Even including the computers of the players running this high-graphics NVidia-destroyer game.
Game modes[edit | edit source]
Quick Cash — 3 teams of 3 players each must take out a loan at the micro-loan point. Without a passport, residence permit, or permanent place of work. The team must take these riches to an ATM and deposit them into their account while others try to steal this treasure (10 bucks).
The Terminal Attack - A (not)successful attempt by developers to replicate the glory of CS. Sysadmins have to fight with lammers who try to break the system, when admins have to patch it before it collapses. The mode usually ends with total game servers disfunctioning.
Power Shift — 2 teams have to fight for the power line they are willing to illegaly connect for crypto mining. The winner either gets all the money in the world or leaves the whole city without electricity. Usually both.
Team Deathmatch — Two teams are killing each other aimlessly. The most realistic game mode. Especially liked by all kinds of cosplayers.
Bank It — An error in the game files that allows teams to steal the money of the game's creators and transfer it to their crypto wallet. It was patched in one of the seasons, but is still available in private matches.
World Tour — Very similar to Quick Cash, but now 8 teams with a dark credit history must take out a full-fledged mortgage at 789% per annum. As always, there is only one winner. The property developer.
Ranked Tournament — Similar to the previous mode, but if you lose, you get a real prison sentence.
Snowball Blitz — Temporary mode. It was introduced when the organizers ran out of virtual bullets. After the new supply, the players could safely continue killing each other.
Heavy Hitters — Temporary mode, when Heavy class could run around with the banhammers and ban all "Skill Issued" players.
Medium Mitters - Similar to the previous one, but here Medium class needs to zap the enemies with defibrillators in desperate attempt to revive the game.
Light Litters - Similar to previous two, but here Light players understand how trash they are and just try to shoot each other with sniper rifles. Usually with zero deaths.
Nate Higgers - Self-explenatory.
Classes[edit | edit source]
The game features 3 classes of varying degrees of uselessness:
Light — fast–moving, fast-killing, and fast-dying class. In it's arsenal it has tickler-guns, glitch bombs and a sniper rifle with the curse of infinite-missing. At sight of Heavy, it evaporates in 0.67 nanoseconds.
Medium — the most normal normie, absolutely unremarkable. Likes trending music from Tiktok edits, paints pictures by numbers, has friends and has no suicidal tendencies. As in the legend of Sisyphus, it can revive teammates who will die in 1.3 seconds from machine-gun fire. Its rampolines can throw friends into the abyss. Single.
Heavy — the biggest-boned participant in the game. Has a very... extensively developed personality. Its presence in the arena carries so much weight that it regularly falls under the map. The arsenal includes a pocket shield, a pocket minigun, a pocket nuclear installation and a pocket pocket.
Equipment[edit | edit source]
The game features three types of equipment. Specialization is what sets you apart from other classes, making you truly uselessful. Weapons — makes pew-pew, bang-bang, rat-a-tat and BOOOM. And gadgets - what grannies are actively fighting against.
Specializations[edit | edit source]
Cloaking Device — A device that can become invisible. It has no effect on the owner. It is very easy to drop and lose.
Invasive Dash — Allows you to make a dash in any direction. It is very difficult to manage, which makes it very easy to accidentally get killed by smashing to the closest wall.
Grappling Hook - AAAAAAA IT'S THE COOLEST THING ON THE PLANET!!!! IT'S A GRAPPLING HOOK!!! WHAT ELSE CAN YOU SAY ABOUT IT??? AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Radiation Beam — Exposes teammates to radiation, which causes them to grow extra arms and legs. I have no idea why anyone would use it.
Antiguardian Turret - A turret that shoots at its teammates to keep them on their toes.
Demotherializer — Allows you to incinerate enemy mothers.😎 One of the most unbalanced items in the game. But when the developers tried to remove it, the players visited their mothers too, and after a moment's thought, they left the gadget in the game.
Raccoon Senses - This ability was cut from the game. The developers tried to expand the player base by involving raccoons in the game. But even they couldn't be interested less in it.
Slam Dunk - A technique that allows to throw the enemies out of the world even through the screen, and which makes possible to throw entire buildings right into the basket.
Goo Gun - Gun that shoots a white sticky liquid. Demoralizes the opponents.
Smash Shield - Field that protects against an antiguardian turret, deflecting bullets at other teammates.
Scorpion's Harpoon — The developers simply stole an ability from the famous fighting game. The harpoon makes it possible to attract the opponent and perform Finish him.
Weapons[edit | edit source]
For little ones:
Vibropistol (codename: 93R) — Each shot from it is accompanied by a slight vibration, giving pleasant sensations to the shooter and unpleasant sensations to the subject being shot at.
ERP-228 — A machine gun with two magazines for 100500 rounds, so that none of them hit the enemy.
Poker — Also known as icicle, carrot, pencil, kerambit for $100,000,000. Really helps to pull food out between the teeth and scratch the back.
LOLHAH1 (codename: LH1) — The little brother of the sniper rifle, even less accurate than it. As we know, the one who laughs last laughs harder. The owner of LOLHAH1, as always the 1st, laughs not that hard.
Not-UZI (codename: M11) — A pathetic parody of UZI, so while you hold it your hand doesn't turn black, you don't want to rap or rob supermarkets.
Tickling Shotgun (codename: M26 Matter) — Allows you to secretly sneak behind enemy lines, carefully walk behind their backs and tickle them to death. It does 0.001 damage per shot, so good luck.
Recursive Bow — The bow that shoots arrows shot from the bow that shoots arrows shot from the bow that...
Double Barrels (codename: SH1900) — Two barrels. Literally.
Sniper Rifle (codename: SR-84) — The legend, the rock of Power Shift, the main character of all shorts edits. Only 0.0000000...1% of players can use it properly, and with a negative number of player count, the real number approximates minus infinity.
Sword — An ancient medieval sword that belonged to a famous knight. He went through countless battles with it and always returned victorious. Good luck coming back alive with it today, fighting against grenade launchers and nuclear missiles…
Silencer Pistol (codename: V9S) — One 999999 decibel shot from it silences all enemies within a radius of several kilometers.
XP-54 — Each kill gives you exactly 54 experience points. No more, no less. Be too greedy and it will tear your hand off with recoil when shooting. Be too modest and die even faster from Heavy Class attacks.
Throwing CDs — Left overs from an old video player from the 00s. The developers are trying to come up with at least some use for them.
For capable guys:
Kalashnikov — A good old reliable comrade of every participant of the competition. For others, it turns out to be a bad young, unreliable traitor to the Motherland.
CB-01 Repeater — A plant from Zombie vs Plants that shoots green peas. 95% do not reach the enemy, the remaining 23% do not cause any damage. It's a pea, man.
Cerberus — A three-headed dog that does not obey its owner, runs around the arena and bites everyone. One head bites the left leg, the other bites the right leg, the third for the…
Potato Canon — Shoots potatoes that bake in flight and explode upon contact with the target. Potatoes are kindly provided by Ohio Nature-Free GMO farms.
Dual Blades — A sword with a blade on both the blade side and the handle side. As a result, everyone using this weapon will have a double kill, including the user.
HAMAS — Allows you to bomb Israeli babies. It has nothing to do with the game.
FCKR — The weapon of each loser, which they can use against the winer in conjunction with "AAAAAA U MTHR..."
Model 1887 B.C. — Old rusty shotgun of your grandpa with which he used to kill Тazies, Сrusaders and Persians back in the old days.
Puke-556 — haha... puke...
The Revolver (codename: R.357) — Gives the opportunity to play Russian roulette in between rounds. The game is especially relevant and interesting, as there are endless bullets in it.
Riot Shield — Weapon are banned in most countries of the world because of its name. Has no practical use though. It's not supposed to.
For big boys:
Desert Eagle (codename: .50 Akimbo) — A pair of legendary pistols, heroes of many other video games. In fact, a shot from one pistol will twist your wrist joint, the second one will hit you in the forehead.
Flamethrower - So hot... The most popular NSFW character art for the game.
Fart Gun (codenanme: KS-23) — As in the famous cartoon, it makes a loud shot with a distinctive sound, while hitting the enemy is almost impossible. And the chance of friendly fire is high…
Lewis Gun — The machine gun that some random Lewis guy left. Everyone is scared to pick it up or move...
Minigun (codename: Minigun) — Pew-pew-kaboom, Rat-a-tat-ding, Blam-blam-poof, Zap-zap-kapow, Boom-chicka-boom, Zing-zing-bzzzt, Dakka-dakka-splat, Fwoosh-fwoosh-thunk, Brrrring-tink-tink.
Another Machine Gun (codename: M60) — Hey, who let that Lewis guy in here again?!
Grenade launcher (codename: MGL32) — In short, does BOOM!!!
Quadruple Shotgun (codename: SA1216) — Four disposable shotguns, which after four lined cartridges from each become empty, they can be freely thrown at the enemy. Then you have to run back for another four guns.
Shrek-5 — Video of an unsuccessful trailer for a long-awaited cartoon. Everyone who watches it dies from cringe, which is an indispensable weapon for any Heavy.
Banhammer — The weapon of all admins, allows you to immediately ban all enemies without the right to unban. It is very popular in gaming clubs and in serious competitions, especially against East Slavic teams.
Toothpick — A small wooden stick. The most powerful weapon in the game. In Power Shift, it can pierce the necks of all the enemies standing on the platform, and some players manage to go through Vietnam and World War III with it.
Gadgets[edit | edit source]
FlashBang — A little flash that bangs all the enemies. Some even find it pleasant.
C-3 (commonly names as: Breach Charge) — A pathetic parody of the C-4, it leaves a small scratch at the site of the explosion, which will eventually vanish from any surface.
C-5 — A unique original. Despite the fact that some uneducated people can't count to 5, this explosive is much stronger than its predecessor. It explodes at the slightest impact, even if you look at it in funny way.
Frog Grenade — A grenade that makes a funny sound when explodes. The most common of use is "just for fun".
Explosive Yours — Explosive mine that acutally explodes you instead of me when I step on it...
Gas Grenade — A vessel with poisonous gas prohibited by the Geneva Convention. Everyone who inhales paralyzes their lungs, atrophies their brain, and their hair falls off. Smells like lavender.
Gas Mine Gas Mine — Try new stuff! Everyone's favorite smell in a new package. Enjoy every step, and let every breath be like your last.
Portal cubes — The creators didn't have enough money to give each participant a Portal cannon, so they limited themselves to portal cubes. Unfortunately, they are so small that they allow you to teleport something no bigger than a coin. They are powered by miniature black holes, and due to constant breakdowns, matches end prematurely in an intergalactic collapse.
Glitch Grenade — The grenade causes glitches on the enemy's client, which crashes their game or their mother burns down. I mean... motherboard...
Glitch Mine - Does the same thing, but now to their father. Fatherboards haven't been invented yet though...
Goo Grenade — Envelops enemies with a white viscous liquid. Female players get pregnant through the screen.
ConDome Shield — Designed to fight the goo, used the same way as in real life. Most gamers will never get a chance to use it though.
Pocket Wormhole — A small cylinder that, when launched, turns into a full-fledged black hole, sucking everything in the neighborhood. 10$ for 30 minutes.
R+ Infuser - A pocket-sized version of a radioactive emitter that causes stage 3 cancer instead of stage 4 and grows only two extra arms instead of three. Since it requires precise aiming by the user, the risk of actually getting sick is minimal.
Molotov Cocktail — A hot drink, perfect for cold winter evenings. It is especially pleasant to drink by the fireplace with an open fire to ignite the inner spark of the drink.
Molotov's Saucer — A little plate for a cocktail glass. To avoid getting burned…
Smoke Grenade — Fills the arena with a pleasant smell of smoke and BBQ. Just like that, for nice vibes.
Solar Grenade — A grenade that irradiates enemies with a power of thousand suns, which causes them to glow dazzlingly. The enemies won't notice anything, and the cancerous tumors will be irreversible.
Nullifier — A single-shot pistol that, when hits an enemy, completely deletes their account with all progress. Increases the replayability of the game.
Thermal Bore Sight — A gadget inspired by your math teacher, which allows you to melt walls and set enemies on fire with just a quick glance.
Rengen vision — Legal Wall Hack, allows you to see through walls and women's clothing. It usually distracts the user himself, who risks getting shot between the legs.
Tracking Dart - Special pneumatic cannon that launches small syringes with needles 3 cm wide. Together with the Coronavirus vaccine, a small 3cm x 3dm x 3m chip is launched under the skin. So that's where that strange beeping came from, the anti-vaccine activists were right.…
Vanishing Bomb — Slowly dissapears. Its alpha channel is already 0.11, so it will disappear completely soon.
ASMR Turret — Sucks all objects flying into it with a pleasant groaning, squishing or smacking sound. There are flesh-colored skins with a pink wig to buy.
Dreach Brill - A decorative interior that is placed on the walls. Pisses off all his neighbors with his annoying sound. Due to the imperfect design, some parts may fly off in your eye.
Ultra-nano-mega-warp Reality Reshaper — An incredible invention of the scientists from MIT that allows you to change matter at the subatomic level. I did not receive funding, and as a result, no one uses it.
Defibrillator — Deals 50 damage to enemies and 500 to allies when trying to revive them.
Jump Pad — Uiiiiiiii…
Motion Sensor — It is secretly installed in the enemy's house. And when they are trying to leave the building, it sends a signal to a satellite and launches 30 intercontinental ballistic missiles into place. But since gamers never leave their homes, the gadget is more motivational to sit and chill further than being actually dangerous.
Noose — A place where everyone who is chasing money and fame finds themselves, if they do not die sooner from drugs or a shotgun. In a game where there is money, fame, drugs and shotguns exist noose remains an exceptional measure.
Anti-Semitic cube — A very angry and grumpy cube, constantly muttering that mustachioed Austrian artist did nothing wrong.
Barrikade — Piled up garbage and junk that should block the way. I do not know who called it a "Gadget"…
Eternal life Emmiter - One of the most imbalanced things in the game, an ancient artifact that grants its owner eternal life, power and love. But your teammate might accidentally drop it into a chasm, so don't trust anyone.
RPG-7 — A classic that every gamer is familiar with. Do you know what other RPG game every gamer should be familiar with? Raid Shadow Legends! Click on the link and get a bunch... of shit at your door…
Slavebolt Launcher — Launches several homing chains towards enemies, trapping them and sending them to work forever on the cane plantations of the owner. It is especially effective against Afro-African enemies.
Maps[edit | edit source]
| Image | Name | Description |
|---|---|---|
 |
Moooooonaco | An ancient city with a Catholic church in the center and priceless historical and architectural monuments around. All of that to be leveled to the ground at the end of the game. |
 |
Seaoughl | The surroundings of the Korean capital offer a modern high-tech design with giant chasms into which players of varying degrees of being a noobie are constantly falling. All fallen players immediately enter the Red Light Green Light arena, where they are shot by the North Korean army. |
 |
Noway Stadium | A mixture of the previous two maps. There are more priceless monuments to destroy, more chasms into which your teammates will surely fall. |
 |
Gamble Vegas | A map where players can take a break from the endless battles and destruction for a couple of minutes and simply deposit all their savings into slots. By the end of the game, not only buildings are destroyed here, but also human lives. |
 |
Gamble Stadium | The developers have removed all unnecessary elements so that nothing distracts you from the endless ludomania. |
 |
$U$.HORIZON | The only map that justifies the game being set in virtual reality. Here, players can see all the delights of technological progress, from clamshell phones and cellophane clothes to the beautiful process of your graphics card dying. |
 |
Kyoto | This map pays homage to Japan's culture, ancient temples, and samurai national heroes, allowing you to blow it all up with a C4, bazooka, and hand grenade launcher. |
 |
Misfortune Stadium | The most square of all the maps, where players fight in cubes made out of dirt. Careless players risk falling into the ender world to be torn apart by the ender dragon. And the best players can crouch over the corpses of enemies. |
 |
"Enchanting" Bernal | A beautiful Mexican city where players can join a gang, terrorize the local population, or even organize their own drug empire. Everything coincides with the policy of the organization conducting the competition. |
 |
P.E.A.C.E Center | An amusement park and a military training ground for the whole family. Everyone will find something to your liking here. Your son will learn how to disassemble a Kalashnikov, and your daughter will be able to flirt with soldiers. While the children are busy, you and your wife can retire to the barracks... |
 |
Liminal/Brutalism | Two map designers argued for a long time about which popular internet aesthetic to make a map from. As a result, their boss couldn't stand it and just put all ideas together, not caring about game design and optimization. As a result, half of the players on this map die from crashes, the other half are lost in backrooms, and the third half do not play the game. The most important rule of the map is not to lean for the soap in the shower section. |
 |
Watermelon Range | A place where you can train your skills using your entire military arsenal on watermelons - the best substitutes for human heads. |
 |
Russia | Inspired by airsoft competitions and Escape From Tarkov, the creators presented a map inspired by the mother Russia itself. Here you can walk around with your comrade Kalashnikov and Molotov and blow up panel buildings. Probably someone's home, idk, maybe?.. |
 |
GM_Construct | The creators couldn't think of anything better than stealing a map from Garry's Mod. Everything for the amusement of fans of liminal spaces. |
 |
Minecraft Flatworld | No more killing. No more destruction. Just you and the endless emptiness, just like in your soul... and just like on the servers of the game itself. |
 |
ply th fnls pls[1] | You think we forgot?.. |
Sponsors[edit | edit source]
The game features a number of sponsors who, for some reason, allocate money for this children's matinee. I hope they at least steal or launder them...
OSPUKE — A brand of drinks for all categories of men. They present a line of craft beer for gen X men, perfect for watching football on the couch or playing tanks. As well as several types of hype ⚡️⚡️⚡️ energy drinks for future boomer-zoomers. The company's CEO, Sofia Pussyville, opened the company with the money raised from OnlyFans. Her photo is on the back of every can... to increase sales. It is planned to release water from her bath, as well as an energy drink with a "Mommy Milk" taste.
INSULT — A Korean clothing brand specializing in insulting people who wear other brands. To have enough money for their purse, you need to win three Squid Games.
VOLPHE — wolf ways AWOOOOOOOOOO.
WHOLETOW — The most wholesome and cute insurance company. They sell insurance for absolutely all occasions. The list of insurance claims includes: accidentally drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, Australia annexing New Zealand, a dog becoming the first president of the United States, and, of course, Scotland's use of nuclear weapons. Insurance is paid in the form of very tasty chocolates.
VAIIYA — High-tech company, the follower of the ideas of an unsuccessful VAIYA and basis of the future VAIIIYA and VAIVYA. They specialize in putting AI in everything they can, AI toaster and AI cup holders being their best products. Their CEO, a conscious refrigerator, made a strategy for the company for the next 200 years. And it definitely has no plans to destroy humans... yeah... don't worry...
GGMO — A mobile operator known for its strict rules. Got popular by their special offer "No GGs - no Gbs", in which Internet traffic was taken away from customers for unsuccessful video game plays. While players justified this allegedly with "lags and ping 1000". After that, they restricted access to most of the sites on their network, considering them "toxic and harmful to society, and in general your "internets" should be banned". Twitter was the first.
DISSUN — An energy company that literally dislikes sun. It does not recognize any environmentally friendly renewable energy sources, preferring the good old coal coke and brown oil. Slogans – "Who needs sun?" and "Money is money Power is power is power is power is..."
MultiCoco — The organizer of the competition, the great crypto scammers influencers. They make children's educational content on cryptocurrencies and self-realization. Their most famous works "Butcoinies for the Little Oneies" and "How I earned my first Bike with Hamster Combat" are gaining trillions of views online and compete toughly with Cocomelon
BROVADA — the most boring company with literally nothing to write about it... Wait... their CEO is the son of the CEO of MultiCoco?.. The best company ever!!!
Tarantina — an agricultural company based in Potato Town, Ohio. Their only product, farm potatoes, is at the heart of the game's technical equipment. Their potatoes make up servers, video cards, and, to be honest, most of the players.
SIGMA ACTA — sellers of protective systems and weapons for families. They are directly sponsored by the Republican Party of the USA. Since most of their clients don't know how to use the Internet, and often even read, their main sales come from the "Nuclear Family" infomercials. They have a branded amusement park, the P.E.A.C.E. training complex, where you can learn how to defend your American dream by improving your marksmanship at a shooting range by shooting Arab prisoners.
CNSS - A bunch of Indian scammers who hack the game from time to time. They beg the developers to send them Steam gift cards, otherwise they would ruin the game's servers. But developers are smart, they won't send anything. There's nothing to ruin... after all...
Castomisation and Monetization[edit | edit source]
Since the real player count of players actually playing the game is low, the developers are trying to get all what's left from left left overs. The game has 22 battle passes, 333 daily tasks and 4444 types of currencies.
The premium store is full of diverse skins, allowing you to customize everything from the top of your head to the tips of your nails. The game keeps up with the trends, allowing you to buy large buttocks, breasts and genetalia in addition to the face and body, as well as something other than Body Type 1 and Body Type 2.
One of the many types of nails
New skin from Tarantino sponsor
Alpha generation isn't really interested in the game...
...the characters can't really attract Tik Tok teen girls either...
![Please play The Finals.[1]](/wiki/File:Hypnosis_tunnel.jpg)
Reception[edit | edit source]
- IGN - 8/10 - couldn't complete the tutorial, sorry
- PC Gamer - 10/10 - haven't played, sorry
- Eurogamer - 10/10 - how the game is called again, sorry?
- Definitely not the author of the article - 100/10 - Please play The Finals[1], sorry
- The mother of the author of the article - Sorry - sorry