Plants vs. Zombies
Plants vs Zombies is a game that is created by the once-good company PopCap before it got eaten by the company Monster of ruin that is known as Electronic AIDS. Since then it is doomed into being a scam that even grand palace scammers would run at the awe of how little money they make compared to such an all-swallowing leviathan of gold. At least The king of all scammers would laugh at Electronic AIDS's feeble attempts in scamming humanity. This aside, It is one of the greatest testimonies onto the Epically Atrocious video game company's ruin against the gaming industry.
History[edit | edit source]
Plants vs zombies[edit | edit source]
Pre-EA[edit | edit source]
Plants vs Zombies is created in 2009 where it was a pretty brilliant game. The gods of popcap coreated this game, and Michael Jackson dies one month later. This might seem like a coincidence, until you see that zombie at the right. yes, it is not photoshopped, it is real. And by real it really exists in the game. Now do you think this is coincidence?
Ironically, one year later, when everybody had been forgetting Michael Jackson's death aside of his Fantards, Michael Jackson's family suddenly fired a lawsuit at Popcap because they thought that it's the curse that makes their beloved father sent to heaven. Ever since then, It has been changed into a Disco Zombie, and thus ending the Lulz.
Post-EA[edit | edit source]
In a fateful day in 2011, the demon taking the name of Andrew Wilson had took the plan of destroying the fun of the america video game industry once and for all, and he decided to take on the companies with the most win first. And the company with the most win is known as PopCap. After then they used massive amounts of Jew gold to take down popcap and proven that "Humanity does not need light; They only need faggotry" (Which is obviously a big fat Lie.). After stealing the soul of popcap, EA proceeded to bring ruin to our great game known as Plants Vs zombies by adding lots of microtransactions to The mobile versions of the game. Also they made lots of incomprehensible bullshit to have you pay for them, such as 100,000 coins for a minigame bundle, which is literally impossible for the iphone version. Then the first game was ruined completely.
Plants vs Zombies adventures[edit | edit source]
An facebook game created by PopCap The Electronic Anti-christ in order to scam your money because all the powerful plants need gems to buy which is fucking impossible as it is one great scam to no end. You also need Gems for lots of stuff, such as speeding up the construction of buildings (that normally takes like 5 hours, which is beyond the limits of a regular gamer, as a regular gamer's patience is 10 seconds.) and also getting you notification that you don't even deserve. Fortunately (or unfortunately), King.com created an even more wonderful scam that literally outruns it in terms of scamfaggotry.
Plants vs Zombies 2: It's about time[edit | edit source]
Pre-version 1.7[edit | edit source]
The sequel to the once-great game, Plants vs zombies: It's About time is a free game released for the ipad, which is a sign for an insane microtransaction scam. This is proven correct, as you will most likely only get a few coins despite fighting hundreds of zombies, and you need them for lots of things, such as "Power-Ups" to get you out of trouble easily, and Plant food in order to Power-up your plants for a short time (The game will give like, two for you in a typical level). The game had featured several cliche new systems whose only purpose is to steal money, such as "Keys", stuff that you farm for for weeks or even months in order to unlock new minigames and stuff that you definitely need, such as the Winter Melon, the Twin Sunflower, Extra starting sun, and a Bonus Plant food slot. They also featured the "star" system, where the player must complete numerous objectives in order to progress in a level, and they are also given in Mini-games (Which in return needs keys to unlock). These objectives tend to have asinine requirements, such as "Have no more than [A NUMBER OF] plants", Do Not lose more than [A NUMBER OF] plants (Remember, this INCLUDES using plants that instantly dissapear from the screen!) and Spend no more than [A NUMBER OF] Sun (The worst of them all). And there is even an asinine challenge that says "Spend no more than 300 sun" in the game that is the FIRST star of the level, which everybody knows is fucking impossible. And finally a video game scam is nothing without the microtransaction scams, So if you somehow happen to be running out of coins, You can buy them, up to a Best deal of 450000 coins for 102 USD Or if you are a Hong Konger, it will cost you 788 HKD! The game also introduces Premium Plants, or plants that you cannot get unless you PAY THEM FOR IT! However, don't even think about all of them are useful, Because some of these are total shit, to the point that something else that free is at least 100 times better than them. (WHO THE HELL would pay for Snow Pea if you can get Winter Melon FREE!?) You can also buy upgrades if you can't be half-assed to farm keys for them.
Back to the main story, The story is about Once upon in a time in your lawn, you somehow get a hot sauce from a zombie that you killed and your Insane Neighbour, Crazy Dave, sees this and use the hot sauce on his taco and eats it, because he thinks that it is too delicious, he decided to use his time machine to eat the taco once again! Then, the time machine got an error and you and Crazy dave were teleported to Ancient Egypt! Then obviously in ancient egypt, for some reason there were zombies. Notable zombies include an explorer zombie that somehow ended up here and uses his torches to burn your plants and a pharaoh zombie who had crazy dave's face on his sarcophagus, which indicates that crazy dave is possibly worshipped as an ancient god by zombies.
After you get 15 stars or somehow pay them for content, you and Dave were supposed to go back to eat the taco, but you somehow ended up in Pirate seas, where for some reason all the people were transformed into Zombies. New Zombies include a seagull which can for some reason hang a zombie on it, A cannon firing Imps (Small Zombies) and rains them onto your lawn after an timeout, and parrots that are so strong that they can lift up an entire tall-nut! After all of these bullshit, you get to get another THIRTY stars or pay them for content. GOOD LUCK!
After your unfathomable torture, You were again teleported into the wild west, where again for some reason there are (again) zombies. Then you were left wondering "Are we fighting ZOMBIES at all"? because they are in the year 2323 as well. (See later section.) Notable Zombies include A zombie which sends out chickens which are virtually impossible to stop and a bull which is for some reason a robot, despite robots were not invented at that time.
Sometimes, you will see a treasure yeti which carries a lunchbox that contains some diamonds or keys, but don't even think about getting it as it dissapears after 1 second and if you block it it passes through the blocker.
There are also Pinata parties which were held every monday and thursday and these were so insane that they are nearly impossible without coins, or are easy as fuck.
Version 1.7[edit | edit source]
Then Some Epically Atrocious Company who ate popcap came in and shifted the face of the game and it was never the same again. To be exact, they removed the key and star system (Which is a blessing in disguise) and instead used world keys to unlock levels. They also changed the map into a straight line and now every level has to be completed in progression, which includes challenge levels that were near impossible. And if you fail the challenges, You outright die (and you read it right) and your brains will be eaten, and this includes Losing lawnmowers which is inevitable. The zombies also came in insane numbers and now previously working strategies no longer work. And the worst thing is, the 8th level is now a "Gargantuar" Level which has gargantuars (Massive zombies) and unlike in the first game, were faster then your average braindead zombie and were virtually impossible to stop. They also appear in the endless zones as well and came in numbers of like 30 on screen and people who previously won 80 or so levels lost in an instant and were never heard of again. Such insanity is unheard of even to 1337 hax0rs of the game and these put gamers into a RAGE. However as people get used to them the rage fades...Until version 1.9.
Version 1.9[edit | edit source]
In order to make the game shittier than ever, Popcap EA decided to release the version 1.9 of Plants vs Zombies 2. This version has caused an never-before rage by gamers, as they removed Power Pinch, which is the weakest powerup, into Power Snow, which is even shittier than power pinch, as it simply throws snowballs onto a zombie and slows it down, and costs 1400 coins, which means that it is a pile of over-priced, crap-ass shit that you possibly won't use, and you are better off using power toss. This version also introduced a new level known as level 25, which is a battle against Zomboss. Zomboss first said that there were brains in Crazy Dave's taco in ancient Egypt, But Crazy dave revealed that there were no meat in his taco, and we had never saw a taco without meat at all, which means that crazy dave possibly isn't eating a taco, but instead is eating a crunchy piece of flour with some vegetables on it. Then in pirate seas he proceeds to say that penny (Crazy dave's time machine) is his creation, and every once a while, the game hints that crazy dave is helping the zombies (just like in the first game) so this is actually normal. Then in wild west he implies that the zombies are actually normal humans and you were not fighting any zombies at all, which means that the creators of this game know that they were literally deviating from the "Zombie" Concept. At somewhere in the update, Under the orders of EA they also unleashed challenge pinata parties which is some sort of raw, un-condensed scam that forces players to use at least 6 powerups and trying to lure them in buying coins which costed over 300 USD worth of their sanity. Thankfully (Really, we were serious), EA's insane jew greed lasted for only 2 pinata parties and it was over.
Version 2.1[edit | edit source]
After a wait of 7 months, the long speculated far future has finally been released! With a world key, one can easily go to the year of 2323 to fight zombies without having to get stars anymore! In the far future, you can expect that zombies had somehow mastered technology and started to wear jetpacks, imps started to have more hp and speed than usual, and zombies started to drive football helmet machines that are virtually impossible to stop and have at least 120 hp. In the future, gargantuars can also shoot Laser Beam Eyes that literally destroy your plants en masse, but fortunately you hath something cheap that can stop them for a while, although that does not mean much as they take like 150 hits to destroy and you will die anyway. Also, why does a mecha-gargantuar eat your brains? i have no idea.
Aside of that they also introduced the Zen Garden in which you can use it to get coins from marigolds, or to get plants and once you had grown it, you can use it's plant food effect when you put it into the field. this is one massive scam as you might dig thousands and thousands of sprouts without finding a single winter melon. The game also had a new currency scam named gems, which were used to speed up plant growth (Normal plant growth arranges from 2 hours to 5 hours; beyond a typical gamer's limit.) and also to open new slots which are impossible as they need THIRTY FUCKING GEMS which is absolute Bullshit. This has the farming return and you can expect you farming gems and sprouts most of the time. Thankfully you can buy gems, but this is again a massive scam and i doubt anyone will fall for such asinine bullshit.
Version 2.4.1-2.5.1[edit | edit source]
And the Dark ages hath descended! However, as you expected from a game made by That company, it's obviously bat shit insane starting from the 4TH LEVEL. The 4th level is literally impossible to win without losing lawn mowers because you get absolutely nothing to defend against zombies. NOTHING. AT ALL. Then this insanity is only followed by MORE insanity, as the 10th level is a gargantuar level and as Knights that take like over 90 hits to kill and jesters that deflect the projectiles of almost every single plant you have (EVEN WINTER MELON AND COCONUT CANNON!) rise from the graves in never before seen numbers, You will be hard-pressed to fight the gargantuars because by the time that the gargantuars come your literally dead, no exceptions. If you think that part 2 will be less insane of a scam, Just use your common sense idiot. You know where this is going. The first level introduces a new zombie whose sheer faggotry is above most others; A wizard that transform your plants into sheep that only clogs a title and is virtually impossible to stop because it has Absolutely no weakness. Just nope. and his range is basically unlimited so if you are using fume shrooms or snapdragons you are literally deader than a zombie. And since the puff-shrooms (i.e. zero-cost shrooms) disappear after one minute, they actually thought that it would be funny when they are endangered plants and you can't lose them, which is literally impossible and you will have your ass kicked if you have no plant food and you have no coins. And i just like it when over two-thirds of levels are literally impossible to complete without lawnmowers and power-ups and zomboss sends like 10 gargantuars at the same time when you have nothing to save you. i.e. No matter how hard you try, you die not only once, but like 66 times straight. no good.
Plants vs zombies: Garden warfare[edit | edit source]
“The fuck?”
One day when the demon known as Andrew Wilson was fapping to plant porn, he thought of a new idea: "What if Plants vs Zombies crosses Call of Duty?" and this asinine fuck-up of epic shit is born. Despite having a comical style compared the the faggotry of Call of Duty and having a good balance of weapons, It is yet another fucked up first person shooter game that is no different from a radio station eaten by another clan of demons known as clear channel, and has no sort of uniqueness whatsoever. It is predicted that EA will battle with clear channel in the year 2056, and who wins becomes the new world order of cooperate faggotry.
The future[edit | edit source]
How to play plants vs zombies like a 1337 haxor[edit | edit source]
- DO NOT build sunflowers, build only attacking plants.
- Watch as zombies enter your house.
- You win the game!
--The following message is from Dr. Zomboss, Master plants vs zombies player.
See also[edit | edit source]
