User talk:SysRq/13

This is an ARCHIVED talk page. Please do not edit this, or I WILL kill you.

RAPE!

I RAPED SOMEONE! OMG! OMG! YOU GOT RAPED LOLZ! -RAHB 05:04, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Dang, missed an opportunity again. I'd rather rape someone than do the washing up that's looming in the kitchen... -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 08:08, 19 Apr

hey, could anybody archive my talk page for me? Cuz, you know, Im leaving for a couple of months, finals at college and shit and I want a talk page for stuff that-- uh, what am trying to explain? Hey luvvy, just archive it, then RAEP it, for all I care. Cheese rs Mahm00shA 09:09, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

You lazy bastard... It only takes a couple of minutes... -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 09:19, 19 Apr

I am on my mobile phone browser and it is lame.. Really lame. So will you please archive it and rape it? I would certainly love being raped by Luvvy, what a pleasure! Kidding, hehe ;) Mahm00shA 09:46, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Mobile phone browsers suck. Actually, they suck bad. As in deep throat bad. I'd rather pull my 8" laptop out of my handbag and sit down in a nice, comfy wifi hotspot... *ahems* ...what will you offer me in exchange for it? -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 12:57, 19 Apr

Aye, netbooks are where it's at. If only Apple would realize that. (Although my sources tell me we may be due for a 10" netbook Mac by Q3. Shh.) Until then, I'll be stuck with either Fedora on a netbook or a Hackintosh. Oh wait, I'm getting a MacBook Pro in June. Then never mind. Fuck netbooks. Yay MPBs. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:57, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Mine isn't a "netbook" per se. It runs Windows XP :D -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 16:36, 19 Apr

8" laptop running XP? Still sounds like a netbook to me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:37, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

What I classify as a "netbook" is in fact a machine that runs Linux and has an 8-16GB flash drive. Mine actually has enough "oomph!" to be of use on the road. :) -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:17, 19 Apr

yay, opera mini roxx0r!!11!!!12! Nokia r00lz! Now go archive my talk page and, as a reward, RAEP IT!! zomg1!!lolz!! F'ghthangh Cthulu Mahm00shA 16:05, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

I'd be happy to...

...take a look at that thing of yours, but it'll be a while. I have *ahem* three final papers to write this week (I sort of put those off...yeah...), so between that, class, and various long-planned social/academic engagements (Bill Nye is coming to my college to talk! Fuckin' Bill Nye! The Science Guy! Ahhhh!) I won't have much time to do much of anything. When I get a good hunk of time (and if your UnBook is still up for PEE) I'll give it a look, though. Promise. —Sir Guildensternenstein 02:10, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Aye, thanks anyways buddy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:38, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

I...I think it's time...

I am ready to become an undaddy. Do you think I am ready to begin helping new users? If so could you tell me how to become an adopter? ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 01:39, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

I think you're very ready to be an UnDaddy, Tags. Just find your way over to UN:AAN and add yourself to the list. Simple as that. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:47, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Oh, how painlessly simple. Why thank you soon to be grandpops. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 23:05, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

You may want to check here once you've got a young'un of your own. I took the liberty of adding your name. —Sir SysRq (talk) 13:37, 23 April 2009 (UTC)

Feature-worthy?

UnNews:"Sexter" abused, possibly raped, I like it and think it is done. Orian helped out a lot. If you think so, I will go nom it (unless you'd like to) and we will all be just hunky-dory. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:24, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

I'll just but in and say that it was good, has a good concept but it isn't feature material now. Only part that made me really laugh was the an "lol" part. The old people misunderstanding technology thing is getting a bit cliche though. It could be a feature with some work, like clearing up the ending and adding a few more funny throw away lines here and there. It doesn't really sound like a real news article now. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 04:33, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Oh hey DJ, well I recently changed it from a balanced point of view, like a news report, to a more biased and forcful point of view, as suggested by Orian. I think it is more of a concept joke though than a collection of throw away lines. It is "an imaginary crime getting an imaginary punishment and all the hoo-ha in between" to quote Orian. I think the ending could probably use a cleanup though. I have just finished it and the ending may have been rushed. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:45, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Well it depends if you want to take the more serious satirical route that Orian is suggesting, then you definately need to add more detail and make it sound more formal, names/places/dates and such. Still putting in a few good lines won't hurt. Either way you've got a good base but the article doesn't feel finished. The end is very confusing. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 04:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

The end is the part I was most worried about. I will put in dates and times too, as that seems life a very good idea. Any ending problems in particular? ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:56, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, you're right. Basically I'm going to repeat everything that DJI said. It needs to be formalized a bit, needs to be formatted, spellchecked, grammar checked, etc. The concept is great. The text conversations were great, I laughed. It's a good idea and I haven't seen too many people do articles on this so it's fresh. Just stick with it and maybe even get it peed on so that you get some more indepth analysis. I'd do it myself but I've got a 10 page English paper to write and it's due tomorrow so I'm thinking I should go start it or something. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Okily dokily, I will go ahead and start doing a bit more, than getting it peed on. Thanks for your guys' help. I will be back to whore this later. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 23:06, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 23rd April 09

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

We're delivering it to your door anyways!

April 23rd, 2009 • Issue 44 • Spamming Your Talkpage Since 2008

Conservation Week Largely Ignored By UnCommunity By Gerrycheevers Uncyclopedia is currently halfway through its bi-annual (semi-annual?) rewriting extravaganza, lovingly referred to as Conservation Week. Every six months, members of this silly wiki partake in the practice of pruning, hacking, nurturing, feeding, and otherwise bothering the 'trees' of the site, which is the running metaphor for 'article'. From the greatest feature machine to the lowliest n00b, everyone can participate in Conservation Week by simply finding a sub-par article and making it better via trimming or adding content, or just plain magic. However, our special investigator DogNewspaper (pictured) has discovered that this so-called Rewrite-a-Thon is not the all-encompassing entity it is meant to be. In fact, normal operations such as VFD, VFH, and the Cajek Ban Joke Factory have not ground to a halt as they clearly should during this special fortnight. Users were puzzled by this revelation; RabbiTechno admitted that he has "little idea what 99.9% of the whole site is all about," and he elaborated that without his constant vigilance, UnNews would surely deteriorate into a third-rate media parody, which this reporter can verify is true. Known conservation standouts have also shockingly participated in non-rewrite-related activities during the designated tree-hugging week. Dexter111344, reigning Greasy Mechanic, blamed the inclement weather, nosy librarians, and the almighty Zeus. Or maybe he just rewrote Zeus, but the librarian part was true for sure. UnSignpost Reporter Subtly Mentions Vigilance Week In Article; Chaos Ensues By Gerrycheevers In the April 23rd, 2009 edition of the UnSignpost, masked co-chief-editor Gerrycheevers covertly linked the word 'vigilance' to Uncyclopedia's Vigilance Week page, inciting riots and mass panic among Uncyclopedians site-wide. Vigilance Week, the mere mention of which often inspires multiple forums where users argue and complain in bold or even italic font, is a period where the rules of article deletion are relaxed, and the worst articles on Uncyclopedia are loaded into the basement of the British Houses of Parliament and blown up using comical amounts of gunpowder. The last Vigilance Week reportedly occured in September/October 2007, resulting in the death of borderline humorous articles by the dozens. The horrific memories of that week have greatly affected some Uncyclopedians, who remain extremely charged about the issue to this day. For example, Modusoperandi recalled his experience when asked to comment on Vigilance Week, saying, "Certainly. What's "Vigilance Week"?" Other users were similarly shocked, as V-Week, as it has come to be known, was described as "unmemorable" by one user, and "get off my lawn" by another. However, the passion that Vigilance Week stirs up is negligent when compared to the shitstorm that results upon the mention of that black sheep of Uncyclopedia holidays: Forest Fire Week. This period in the Fall of 2006, when Uncyc was still really an infant in wiki-years, saw over 3000 articles deleted, more than 15% the total website content at the time. In fact, this very article will probably merit at least one forum regarding FFW despite this periodical's poor circulation and low-quality electrons. At press time, the subtle link to Vigilance Week had caused a medium-sized riot, with hordes of angry users tipping over cars in the Uncyclopedia Parking Structure and setting the animals in the Uncyclopedia Zoo loose. The Cabal is poised to get involved by seizing all media outlets and gener- ATTENTION COMMONERS. ALL IS WELL. THERE WILL BE NO OCCURENCES OF ANY DELETION WEEKS OF ANY KIND. FURTHERMORE, COMEDIC ALLOWANCES WILL HEREBY BE INCREASED FROM 80 GRAMS TO 65 GRAMS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE DOING OF THE CABAL, AS THERE IS NO CABAL. GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

Check out these pages! The forum is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. Ye olde forum Something about TV and magic From our logs: 10:38, 20 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.40.56.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(DON'T BLANK PAGES (also, don't shout. Thanks!)) 12:05, 21 April 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 0 seconds ‎(Thinking impure thoughts about Ricki Lake) 13:26, 21 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.216.48.30 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(If you're that bored go and find a solution for the world hunger. Trust me, you'll be much more popular) Biopic of the Week In another installment of Uncylopedia Legends, Procopius is a user you might never have heard of due to his recent inactivity. Without so much as a fancy sig or a new-fangled typewriter, he cranked out feature after feature. His contributions to the medium of misinformation were also well received. Procopius was merely a hard-working blue collar Uncyclopedian, and is hereby recognized by this periodical as awesome. Old School Featured Article of the Week The mere mention of the great Procopius brings to mind one of his greatest masterpieces, The white guy in All-4-One. In this intellectually stimulating article, the mystery of a successful R&B group having a caucasian member is discussed at length. Incidentally, the white male in question has joined the search for an answer to the conundrum, which remains elusive to this day. Cajek-inspired ban-smackdown of the week 08:52, 22 April 2009 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 643 seconds ‎(Oh look, a blatant attempt to get a mention in the UnSignpost) 08:57, 22 April 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 seconds ‎(Wups. Sorry. I thought you were Cajek.) 09:06, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 123 years ‎(Damn our evil wikian masters trying to overtake our newspaper. Revolt! REVOLT I SAY!) 09:07, 22 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(thought you were Spartacus) 09:10, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 14 seconds ‎(No no, I'm Spartacus) Underdog of the Week Rogue ball of tumbleweed recently exploded onto the Uncyclopedia scene, earning a few fractions of votes for N00b of the Month. Despite mild support, it seems fellow n00b YKWTMM is set to take the coveted badge home this month, with an unprecedented 'several' votes. Nevertheless, the UnSignpost would like to recognize Tumbleweed for his resilience and moxie.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  22:30, Apr 23

IC

Just so it won't be a blatant lie anymore 08:39, 24 April 2009 (UTC)

Alas, I have no sense of humor. —Sir SysRq (talk) 19:40, 24 April 2009 (UTC)

no problem. I was high on hash when I did it, anyway 09:22, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

And the funny thing is, I believe you. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:33, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

HATER!

Hey, Alex, you know that flash fiction you wrote? I read a book recently and I just figured out that it reminded me alot of your story (and vice versa). Here's the link if you're interested in buying it, there's probably a synopsis there too but bassically your "zombie-type-thingies" were alot like the "zombie-type-thingies" from your story. And I'd imagine that you're story would fit nicely into the aftermath of this one. Anyway I just thought I'd point it out to you, and I will read your 90's novel as soon as I can, bit bussy tonight though. See you around! :D ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:21 24 April 2009

Oh and just to clarify, it is set in an unamed British city, no plausibly about it. Fucking self-centered American Amazon. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:37 24 April 2009

Ah, flash fiction. I remember those days. Perhaps I should get back into that. Or perhaps I should sit on a donut. Thanks, I'll look into this. Also, is your S key a bit sticky? Maybe got some cum under there? —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:05, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

I don't come on my laptop. however the keyboard is falling apart, that coupled with the fact I can't spell worth a damn means its a wonder that any of you understand what I'm saying. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 18:24 26 April 2009

Ah. Well if you wouldn't mind reading/reviewing my article today I'd appreciate it, I've been getting some mixed feedback from other people that I've shown it to so I'm curious to see what you think. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:32, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

Like a proper pee? I can do that. should do them more often anyway. Stay in master UU's good books. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 18:50 26 April 2009

VFH!

Please check out my new article on VFH! ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 14:06, 29 April 2009 (UTC)

Here, try the bite size version

Greetings From Four Corners!! Thanks for sending us a copy of A Guide to the American Roadside Attraction. Look at us! We're in four states simultaneously! We're headed to Waco, Texas next and we'll be visiting The Branch Davidian Compound Site and The Dr Pepper Museum. I hear they used to call Dr Pepper "Waco" because you could only find the stuff within the city limits. They say it was originally sold in a drug store as a brain tonic! We'll send you another postcard when we get to Mammy's Cupboard for some biscuits and gravy!

This one is easier to digest but I still put three links on what should be a simple thank you template.--    15:28, 29 April 2009 (UTC)

Is it strange that I now live in Waco, TX? —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:34, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Thing

Hey, can I put myself on hiatus from IC for a while? I know I haven't contributed much yet and am in danger of being kicked out, but real life is getting in the way like the teammates in Left 4 Dead, so I'd be a 3rd 5th 35th wheel against my will. Just to let you know in case you think I'm a talentless lazy ass. Gis ym esiladnav! _LOB 15:38, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Aren't we all just talentless lazy asses? I thought that was the definition of an uncyclopedian. besides I haven't seen sissy here in a few days. Also I take it you have a 360? you got gears of war 2? ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 15:54 30 April 2009

I've got some serious gears of war in my pants 16:49, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

You'd think that, but no, I'm a PS3 man, but word gets around about particular glitches. Gis ym esiladnav! _LOB 17:05, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Ah right, never mind, I just thought that Left 4 Dead was a 360 only. And which game we talking about for glitches? cos gears can actually be pretty bad for them. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 17:22 1 May 2009

It is 360 only, you just hear about these things. =P Gis ym esiladnav! _LOB 20:07, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

April 30th, 2009 • Issue 45 • The periodical that - Jesus Christ it's a lion get in the car!

UnSignpost Editors Too Busy Working on Anniversary UnSignpost to Bother with This Week's Issue By Gerrycheevers Since next week marks the incredible one-year anniversary of the storied UnSignpost, the editors are focusing all of their efforts on that issue and thus leaving this issue out in the cold. Rest assured that next week's 46th issue, marking the 46 weeks in the year on the Uncyclopedia calendar, will be "a bumper special issue" according to co-chief-editor Under user. The promise of a special bonus issue brings to mind several of the UnSignpost's more notable issues, such as the All-Kitten Issue and the Seventeenth Issue Spectacular. Reactions to the milestone were mixed in the community. "I feel the signpost has in many ways brought a little too much cabal propaganda to the site for my liking," said noted good-looking tree Sycamore. Were there a cabal, cabal authorities would currently be on the way to Sycamore's house to arrest him. Lucky for him there is no cabal. By the way, if you really thought this was the first anniversary issue, you suck.

Check out these pages! To pee or not to pee? Some more links. Are you still here? From our logs: Take your pick Biopic of the Week <insert name here> is certainly noteworthy. Old School Featured Article of the Week Nihilism. Word of the Week Brevity.

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Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 22:30, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

hiatus?

hiatus? what's all this, then? no worries, i'll hold the IC ship steady while you're gone. i've gone and started to hyper-colonize obama since it's been three weeks and it's not looking too good. come back soon! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:30, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Are you getting yourself a vagina?

I presume so. And also I wrote something hillarious. Well you'll like it, HowTo:Build the Perfect Sandcastle, so you can take a look at that when you get back from wherever it is you've gone to. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 08:56 3 May 2009

I saw a vagina for 75 dollars on craigslist. Is that the one you're getting. It's so smooth. -RAHB 08:59, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

isnt that a bit too much? 09:02, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

For your own vagina?! No way, man! I would pay ten times that much for one! -RAHB 09:04, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

yeah, but why pay less when you can pay more? Or was it the other way round? Anyway, here you can get yourself a vagina for a little as 40 trillion zimbabwean dollars. 09:26, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

or one vietnamese dong 09:28, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

A dong for a vagina. Seems an equal trade to me. -RAHB 19:48, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

May 5th, 2009 • First Anniversary Issue! • Disdaining news in favour of blatant self-promotion

Self-Proclaimed Greatest Newspaper on the Wiki Reaches First Birthday By UU Can you believe it? We can't - particularly as we're only on issue number 46 - and yet it's true, the greatest piece of talkpage spam in the history of this shabby little wiki (and the most modest too) celebrates its first anniversary! Birthed in a blaze of optimism and creativity by fiendish evil genius Dr. Skullthumper and mythical user-in-exile Cajek at the start of May 2008, the UnSignpost was intended to shine a light into the dark corners of the wiki, keeping users up-to-date with anything worth keeping up-to-date with. In this special article, we examine what went wrong, where that glorious vision got corrupted, and how it has ended up in its current state. The early issues were churned out at a great rate by the founding editors, and Cajek was so enthused by the project that he suggested to Skullthumper that they should move to a twice-weekly release - fortunately, this suggestion was shot down in flames by the doc, or the paper may never have celebrated a second month, let alone a full year! Skullthumper was first to leave the Signpost behind for pastures new, perhaps feeling his work was already done. Looking back nostalgically now at those heady early days, Skull exclusively observed: "Well! Working on the UnSignpost in the beginning was a really fun experience, not gonna lie. Cajek and I were both super excited about it. I'm glad it existed through to today, entirely by the help of other people. The setup was seriously the most fun part. We had NO clue what we were doing, we were experimenting with formatting, content, and a bot that only worked half the time. To summarize: It kicked ass. I had no idea it was about a year ago that it started." With only Cajek powering it, the Signpost forged onwards, but was beginning to run into troubled waters - even Cajek's legendary enthusiasm was beginning to founder, and when he began to struggle for time, he asked DJ Irreverent to take the helm. We asked Cajek for a nostalgic comment about the Signpost, but he was unavailable, so instead here's a random line from one of his articles: "Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher"". The DJ managed to steady the ship (how long can we sustain this metaphor?), but struggled to handle the torch he'd been passed by his adopter (looks like we didn't sustain it very long - never mind!). Asked to comment on this turbulent period, the DJ exclusively remarked: "I dropped said torch like a ton of bricks as a good child should always do. I could not take on the family business, I needed to dance. Anyway, I wrote about 2 articles". So the pattern of users taking over the paper, only to burn out and abandon it again was becoming well established. Next in the editor's chair was UU, who lasted about 6 issues, before becoming so overwhelmed by the pressures of the paper that he went and got married in order to have a good excuse to get away from it for a few weeks. Recalling those halcyon days, UU told us exclusively: "I love the Signpost, and have had a great time working on it. It does get in the way of writing real articles though, as some users might testify, and it can be a pain to come up with stories each week - hopefully this issue might spark a few people to put some more ideas in the press room". Fortunately, UU had taken the foresighted step of questioning the staying power of one Gerrycheevers in a previous issue's "comeback of the week" box, and Gerry was so determined to prove he had what it took, that he took over the paper while UU swanned off around the world. Cheevers's time at the helm brought such classic issues as the all-kitten issue, and his exclusive dewy-eyed remembrances run thusly: "I'm proud for having successfully stolen this periodical from Cajek and Skull, and I look forward to many more years of turning forums into news stories, dredging up old features that nobody cares about, and of course making tedious Cajek ban jokes. I also demand a raise and Cajek's office!" Unfortunately, Cheevers's staying power lived up to UU's expectations, and Gerry took another small break. UU returned to the paper, and frantically enlisted contributions from the likes of Orian57 and Heerenveen to keep the wheels of news turning smoothly. Asked for comment on his input, Orian exclusively told us: "It's a been a great help in bonding together this community. And it's made things more interesting, what with everyone trying to do news worthy things just to get their names in the paper. Or something, I can't manufacture funny under pressure and this is pressure because you're gonna put this in the paper just to humiliate me now, aren't you?". Hv, meanwhile, exclusively commented: "It's amazing that our wonderful newspaper has lasted for so long, especially when you figure the us editors have had nothing to work with but "OMGZ THIS WIKI IZ D00MED" stories since about Issue IV. It's a great tribute to the us editors' ability to make Cajek-filled fluff pieces up on the fly. Maybe they we should try for the Daily Mail?". Gerrycheevers has been fully back on board since early this year, UU is still hanging around in between banning people and huffing stuff, and with other contributors still pitching in, plus a plentiful supply of Cajek bans to use as padding (see next story), it looks like the immediate future of the paper is in good competent human some kind of hands. Want to join the list of over 25 people who have contributed to the paper since its inception? Or want to join the ranks of hand-deliverers and paperbots that have been burned out along the way, and now line the wiki as lifeless husks? Give us a shout in the press room, and become part of the Uncyc furniture! Wish we'd gotten a quote from Cajek though. Bastard. Cajek 100 Ban Extravaganza By Gerrycheevers During the very same week that Uncyclopedia's most well-known journalism source (suck it, UnNews!) celebrates its first birthday with much cake and punch, one of its co-founders achieved his own personal milestone by being banned for the one hundredth time. Rumors of making Cajek an admin when he reached the milestone have thus far not proven to be true, although he may have magically gained sysop powers upon entering triple-digit territory and we just won't know it until he comes back from wherever he's hiding in a hailstorm of admin-related activity (whatever it is that they do). The milestone was reached largely thanks to users such as Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who took to the streets in a grassroots effort to raise awareness, and Gerrycheevers, who went directly to certain sysops with demonstrably active bansticks pleading for a "Cajek-whooping." The landmark 100th ban was achieved yesterday, with the good Dr. Skullthumper blocking Cajek with an expiry time of "a milestone". The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Cajek, and also plead for his return. Cajek was unavailable for comment, and this reporter was once again chased off of the grounds of the Cajek Mansion, this time by the abstract philosophical concept of existentialism. From the desk of the Cabal Special By No-one The cabal is most displeased with this apparent so called "newspaper" or "voice of the people". What news could there be other than "maintain the peace and obey the cabal, should it exist"? What voice should the people have other than "Yes sir", "No sir" and "Of course, I'll send my sister post haste to your bedroom, Sir"? This useless rag might let people think that the Uncyclopedians have a modicum of freedom. We the cabal, do not exist. But if we did, we'd be most unpleased and just about prepared to clamp down on this operation. Obey the cabal, the cabal is your imaginary friend.

Check out these pages! 3,422 and going strong! No winner yet declared in 'not pointless' forum A blast from the past Best of From our logs: 09:23, 30 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gay admin ‎ (you like rahb. rahb = penis. therefore you like penis. therefore you = ghey. this logic is irrefutable. also, morning mordillo.) 11:00, 15 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Slicktorine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Cyberbullying: We just don't care about you or your friends. Sorry. I suggest you ask him for a date. He's probably a really nice guy.) 02:46, 8 February 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 97.83.236.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fer the love of Christ, you make me think I actually have a life. You've been doing the same God damn thing since the summer. Just fuck off already.) 08:25, 13 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Tardman (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (I love being a cunt, it makes my hair glow) Codeine (Talk | contribs) huffed "Wild sweaty orgies" (If anyone's gonna write an article about these it'll be me. I've done the research.) 02:14, 10 December 2008 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.142.37.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Hi. Welcome to Uncyc. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay here. We did too.) 04:57, 23 October 2008 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: & Not The Good Sexual Kind of Harassment Either) 04:20, 22 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.15.244.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You, sir, have gone above and beyond the call of failure. Now that may sound like a compliment, but read it again, paying special attention to that last word. Yeah.) 7:41, 20 September 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Just got back. Haven't banned Cajek in a month. Gotta get my fix. CLICK. Aaaaaah yeeeeeahhh. That's gooood shit.) 19:36, 21 September 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Reggie4 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (You have 2 cows. Both of them are banned.) 21:17, 23 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 62.88.33.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Try to suck less. You're sucking too much. I didn't say "stop"! Take your time. Yeah, that's the stuff. Now gently squeeze my balls.) 23:56, 20 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Swampgas (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (congratulations, now you can add us to your list of sites you got banned from for being a bellend) 07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 124.170.144.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.) 12:50, May 28, 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Benhagerty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (KILL EVERY FIRSTBORN SON) Biopic of the Week 1 year old this week, the UnSignpost is the wiki-based newspaper vain enough to give itself a biopic! It has yet to write any featured articles, and hasn't even created a single featured image, but it's appeared on almost as many talk pages as a Modus one-liner, and is certainly the longest-lived newspaper on this wiki. Vive l'UnSignpost! Thankies of the Week The staff of the UnSignpost would like to thank all our readers for pretending to care long enough for us to reach this milestone. We couldn't have done it without you. (Well, we could, but there wouldn't have been much point). Retraction of the Week In last week's edition of the UnSignpost, the current swine flu pandemic was hailed as a blessing, and our editors expressed hope that the world population would be reduced, making references to particular groups of people as 'expendable'. We would like to express our deepest apologies for referring to this epidemic as 'swine flu', and we will henceforth refer to it by the disease's proper name: H1N1 influenza. We are truly sorry to any pigs or other members of the swine family who may have taken offense. Old School Featured Article of the Week Water Polo... With Sharks! is possibly the most difficult, dangerous, and exciting sport known to man. With only slight rules variations from normal water polo, such as the amount of hands you can have on the ball and there being sharks in the water, Water Polo... With Sharks! is the world's second fastest-growing sport, behind Texas Hold 'Em... With Rabid Wolverines! Pathetic Plea of the Week What has happened to all of the robots? The UnSignpost has gone through a seemingly endless supply of robots, and several unsuspecting and apparently bored users have also hand-delivered the paper when no automated bots were available. Lately, Sock and Dexter have joined forces to ensure prompt Signpost delivery, but surely the task of pasting the paper onto thousands hundreds dozens of talk pages will result in arm fatigue and dog attacks. Therefore, a plea: everyone create more robots! Old School 'Of the Week' Box of the Week This Week in Uncyclopedia, featured in issues 3 through three, took a look back at some of the greatest highs and crushing lows in the history of this silly wiki. Look for this box to make a triumphant return to the UnSignpost, along with other old favorites such as UU's Obscure British Dialect Expression of the Week and Reason For Leaving Uncyclopedia of the Week.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

---

Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 18:48, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Welcome back?

So, is that the comeback? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 00:57, 10 May '09

No. June 5th is the comeback. This is just the "antagonize RAHB when I happen to have some free time" thingy. Back to English homework! —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:00, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

Fine.. goodbye til then, pal. And good luck with your school work :) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 01:04, 10 May '09

LEDs are the way of the future!

Just saying. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 11:12, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

I completely agree. P.M., RotM, & KUN, Sir Led BallUUn (Sick Sock) (Contribs) 14:56, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Oh so you have time for this nonsense but not me? That speeks volumes, that does. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 14:58 11 May 2009

Yeah, 'cuz that took aaaaages. --UU - natter 14:59, May 11

I don't care how long it took -- this conversation isn't even new! /Sniff! :'( ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 15:02 11 May 2009

Those sig stealing scoundrels with their teas and scones...SirMoarDildosNow on sale! VFH | GUN | Jew speak now | General? | poop 15:05, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

I Have a New Article

read it if you have time. Also the choice of name was entirely coincidental. Nothing to do with you at all. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 14:16 11 May 2009

Now on VFH for your pleasure. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 15:25 12 May 2009

ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

and since I am your son, and you made an edit today, you should give me a present or something.    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   20:41, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Your present is this edit, treasure it. Wish I could hang around, but I'm off to Englishland and then a band concert. Meh. 24 days until graduation. —Sir SysRq (talk) 20:43, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks pops, looking forward to your return!    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   20:45, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

24 days till we can run away together. :swoon: -OptyC Sucks! CUN21:56, 12 May

Graduating doesn't make you smarter than me. I'm plenty smart, and learnt all I need to know by using these here fists! Congratulations though. --Concernedresident 00:00, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

Tweet

Mr McElroy says thanks! his blog is teh funnies! 11:44pm May 14th from web tanks for teh voats! 11:45pm May 14th from web

~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 09:33 14 May 2009

UnSignpost May 14th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

May 14th, 2009 • Issue 47 • And you will know our name is the UnSignpost when we lay our news upon you!

Wales Speaks Exclusively to UnSignpost! by UU It's the big one folks, the interview they all wanted, but we got: shy, retiring Wikimedia mogul Jimbo Wales has spoken exclusively to your UnSignpost. Wales (pictured right in happier times) took time out from his busy schedule of inserting further Liberal bias into Wikipedia to share with us his thoughts on the credit crunch, the Obama administration, the Pope's visit to the Middle East, and the future of Uncyclopedia, and the insight is literally devastating in its incisiveness. When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make profound pronouncements that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find. Crowning Acheevement by UU UnSignpost co-editor, Imperial Colonization lynchpin and all-round star user Gerrycheevers has made Uncyclopedian history by becoming the first user ever to win all of the major monthly awards on the wiki: WotM, UotM, NotM, FPotM, and PotM. Plus RotM, although that's not really considered "major". This astonishing fact was pointed out by RAHB, proving quite conclusively that he must have no life whatsoever. When asked for comment, Gerry exclusively told us: "Well, I don't know what to say, really. I suppose my well-roundedness speaks volumes about my excessive amount of free time. My next objective will be to obtain a microphone and continue my quixotic quest to collect all of the awards". Rules < Funny: The Essay by UU Loveable Uncyc pyromaniac The Woodburninator, long known for his views on how "rules" and "funny" should relate to each other, has, in an alcohol-induced "moment of clarity", composed an essay on the subject. He encourages you to read it, and exclusively told us he questions the sexuality of everyone who doesn't. As a completely neutral wiki newspaper, the UnSignpost of course neither endorses nor doesn't endorse any of the views contained within the essay. It just agrees with some of them. Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it? by Joe9320 It has been about a year and a half since Uncyclopedia's once shining usergroup network stopped operating and became extinct. As ever in such circumstances, conspiracy theories have quickly sprung up to explain how this could have happened. Some say that when Chronarion left Uncyclopedia to focus on another project, he left it to the Wikia staff to do all the patrolling, which caused Uncyclopedia's domain name to be changed in October 2008, and the user groups were left to rot with no activity, like the Hittites did when they destroyed their own city and left. Others say that UNSOC killed off every other usergroup, from the Grue Army to UNATO, and had a monopoly on the usergroups. Whether the theories are true or not, the usergroups appear to have all but died. In January 2009, archaeologists from the Philippines dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader Necropaxx was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so active users right now; we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers". The non-existent Cabal have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia 2005-2007 remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.

Check out these pages! Rewriters, assemble! Confessions of a parody parodist Who needs publicity? From our logs: 18:42, 27 April 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked I AM GOD (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(Zeus called. He wants his title back. Something about missing having an excuse for incest.) 21:58, 13 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.141.62 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(seek the definition of life in the dictionary. Hint: it does not include so called venegance against humor wikis. Also, seek the definition of vengance. Creating wiki pages does not constitue as such.) 12:49, 14 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 82.41.56.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (don't blank pages, it's proof you have even less of a life than we do.) Biopic of the Week Colin "All your base" Heaney may possibly have the most annoying username to have to copy and paste into a Signpost biopic in all of Uncyclopedia. A mainstay in such helpful roles as VFD, Colin's accomplishments include contributions to the famed Al Gore colonization, having explosions in his sig that look rather cool when he signs a bunch of times in a row, and setting the record for most electrons used in a userpage and corresponding talk page. Go Colin! Cajek Sighting of the Week Co-founder of the UnSignpost Cajek was sighted this week in an alley behind his userpage, taking out the trash. He also updated his ban counter to a robust 117 and added electricity and magic to the iron fences surrounding the Cajek Mansion. Look for an exclusive fake interview with Cajek in next week's UnSignpost! Desperate Attention Seeker of the Week 00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (The) 00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (UnSignpost) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Had) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Better) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Run) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (This) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Series) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (of) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Bans) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Next) 00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Week) (There were more. We got bored copy/pasting them. Find the rest yourself)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 18:55, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks!

Oi! My mate, Petie would just like to thank you! Why, only fuck knows, I’m just the messenger – don’t shoot me! Cos that’s the problem with you people, you’ve all got it out for us, just cos we don’t have jobs you think we’re like, or even are, the scum of the Earth! And we’re not, you know, we’re people too. Just because we don’t have your fancy foreign cars and, fuckin’, sued shoes or whatever. We’re only out of pocket because you’ve taken all the fuckin’ jobs first! If it bothers you so much why don’t you donate your job to Oxfam and we could pick it up for bargain prices? Eh? Bet you don’t like that idea though because then we’d be the ones looking down on you! you fucking, lazy, tax-stealing, jobless scum!

Much apreciated nom, too. :D ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 14:19 18 May 2009

UnSignpost May 21st

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

You'd be crazy not to listen!

May 21st, 2009 • Issue 48 • I've seen news you... people wouldn't believe

Glorious Cajek return story By Socky Something known as a "Cajek" apparently made some sort of return recently. According to eyewitnesses, he updated his ban counter, wrote a few articles, got some of his old articles deleted, did some nominating and voting stuff at VFH, and made several comments on user talk pages. This, seemingly, is about what he used to do, although few of our readers are old enough to remember his previous contributions to Uncyclopedia. Cajek exclusively told us the following: "Gotta go bye see ya". People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable By Socky & UU What happened to users like MrN9000, Dexter111344, GlobalTourniquet and DrStrange? Were they run over by a train? Did they suffer from a heart attack? Are they running from the law? Or are we just getting too worked up after a couple of weeks' absence? Whatever be the case, we here at the UnSignpost hope they are all right and will be returning to us in the near future. More recently, it has come to our notice that Gerrycheevers, Sonje and RabbiTechno have been missing for at least a couple of days. Perhaps there is a serial killer stalking and brutally murdering bright Uncyc talents? (Are we getting good at this whole "wild press speculation and fear-mongering" thing yet or what?) In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently. A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain. UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost. Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week. Porn! Porn! Pr0n! By Socky There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposed pornographic images on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!" Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure. Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups! By Socky War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition. Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians. "The End" is being foretold once more By Socky Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom". Multiliteralist, Cajek and Optimuschris posted the following "articles" in response to a request to write something for the UnSignpost. Porn and the impending doom By Multiliteralist As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else. User groups and the impending doom By Cajek No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups! Impending doom and porn By Optimuschris Our porn! The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom! Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh! First person article about porn and impending doom By Multiliteralist I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn. My advice if you are in a usergroup and someone tries to make you watch some porn, avert your eyes! if you see porn, remember that the doom is impending. The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!

Check out these pages! A "clever" forum topic? Has the world gone completely insane? What in the name of Sophia is a "clan"? Voting to close voting on a votey type thing? From our logs MOTHERFUCKING NIGGER LOVER SPECIAL: 21:34, 14 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Nevada" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Why is the fucking nigger vandal back? I figured he would have killed himself by now, the little waste of sperm......) 01:38, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Anybody else here a nigger faggot? Oh, wait, we all probably are. *goes back to eating his god damn fried chicken w/ Colt 45 on the side*) 05:49, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.212.236.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fucking one trick pony. And stop accusing all of us of being black, you worthless little prick. You do realise how gay that makes you sound when you tell us to suck your dick, right?) 05:55, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNDER USER IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, you're a clever little cookie, aren't you? I can't WAIT for you to do this me. Too bad I might not be up at the time...oh well.) 06:08, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, fuck it, I want to see what this little mongoloid can come up with instead, if anything. But seriously folks, in all seriousness, I'm as black as they get. A friend of mine told me this once.) 18:09, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Joseph Stalin" [edit=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) [move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) ‎ (Yeah, Bill Cosby pounded me up my gay nigger ass last night. It was HOTT.) 20:27, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.46.52.10 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Please end your life right now. Go take one od your father's guns, load it, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger.) 20:30, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" ‎ (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.) 20:31, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" ‎ (No, really. Tie a noose, put it around your head, hang yourself. Simple.) 20:32, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.) 20:33, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.) 20:37, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNNEWS SUCKS!" ‎ (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.) 20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" ‎ (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.) 20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" ‎ (And I'm sure shit like this has been done before. Originality certainly is dead. I mean, can you get any lamer?) 20:42, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" ‎ (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!) 20:43, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" ‎ (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....) 20:50, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.96.165.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Yes it does. You're a real rebel aren't you? I bet you've murdered many blacks before and beaten up various others. I am TERRIFIED of you.) 20:51, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Kentuckistan" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (You're talking about how we're nigger faggots like it's a bad thing. Well, if you keep talking about putting your dick in my mouth, that clearly makes you gay. Don't try to tell me you like women. You haven't said anything to prove this.) 22:19, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Ohio" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, so it's a domination thing, right? You can't possibly be gay since you're making me suck your cock, but I'm the one enjoying it since I'm a gay nigger, which is the type of person you hate. Right, okay, but do you like women? Y'know, with the vaginer?) 15:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked ZooZoo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Your mother is a nigger. You are what you hate.) 17:43, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 85.94.198.122 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (TYLER LIONS!!! YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!! AND MORDILLO IS A JEW, MY NIGGER!!!!!!!) 17:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Maryland" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Tyler Lions? Never heard a more niggerish name then that! Let's lynch 'em!!!!!!) 20:27, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Louisiana" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Well, you're finally listening to me! But Hitler's been long dead! How the fuck is he going to take out Mordildo? Don't talk for my nigguh hitler, man.) 15:42, 18 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Work" [edit=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Yo nigga, imma gonna break free from deese chains and fill yo cracka ass up wit mah dick, honkey bitch) Biopic of the Week MOTERFUCKING NIGGER BITCH LOVER is the token black admin. Known for his rampant homosexuality and love of sucking the cocks of racist vandals, he's forever spoiling the fun of innocent, hardworking vandals by deleting their masterpieces about their friends, and then adds insult to injury by banning them with excitable and lengthy comments. Bastard. He'll probably get lynched by the KKK before too long. Cajek Notice of the Week He was banned a couple times. No, seriously. See for yourself.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Brought to you by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:33, 21 May 2009 (UTC)

Hey Faggot!

Or alternatively, hi there! I noticed your name was listed on IC. I also noticed that our latest project is in need of some help. So I put two and two together and realized I should ask Modus. When he told me to get bent, I immediately thought of you. I'm setting an arbitrary deadline for this one at next week Saturday, so if sometime in the next week you can tear yourself away from your porn collection and maybe contribute a line or two it'd be appreciated. We're counting on you, <insert name here>! -OptyC Sucks! CUN18:41, 23 May Dictated; not read.

Also; hurry back you big faggot. -OptyC Sucks! CUN18:41, 23 May

Yeah, Girl Pants, go vote for my article I rely on your vote, like democrats rely on the fag vote. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 18:45 23 May 2009

UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

May 28th, 2009 • Issue 49 • The kind of news your momma warned you about

Going Portal by UU Under conditions of great secrecy, a select group of talented volunteers has been slaving away at the wiki-coalface, dedicating themselves to the selfless task of bringing Uncyclopedia a dedicated selection of portal pages. And now their tireless efforts are starting to bear fruit, with the first few being linked on the Main Page by noted twirly star of David, Mordillo. He proudly flagged them up as "new!", until Bradaphraser, more accurately understanding the IQ of the average Uncyclopedian, flagged then as "newd!" instead. What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly sexy portals: Politics; Games; Science; History and Art. And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from Cajek, one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What? Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia! by Docile hippopotamus Actually, Nile and Nile related articles are not invading Uncyclopedia - we merely wanted to say that to see if you, the reader, were gullible enough to believe it. And you were. More like, "Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia hoax!" Let's find out what Sir Edward Mahm00shA, professor of Egyptian history and archaeology at Oxford university exclusively had to say about this: "It is a lie. And Ra saw it was no good. And the band is with me. And they hath uttered not a word about invading Uncyclopedia. Verily! Ra hacketh off the phallus of he who lieth". See now? Undeniable proof from Sir Edward Mahm00shA that the band is chilling with him and have not even mentioned invading Uncyclopedia. We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector Mr. Great Lung Sphincter of Nebuchadnezzar the 1st to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power. Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than Nile conspiracists, but that Nile could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid. To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no cabal.

Check out these pages! A true Uncyc legend returns! Promise to make a vote, the whole vote and nothing but the vote Big audio dynamite From our logs: 19:47, 25 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 88.208.208.132 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Yep, you're really trying, I see. Great, keep the laughs coming, Mr. Funny Man.) 09:37, 25 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.146.77.35 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You meant "make love to me, she dog") 20:43, 24 May 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 41.154.2.5 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Vandalizing articles, smearing dog shit all over Todd Lyons's car, etc.) 10:48, 23 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.211.138.192 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (don't blank, I'm running out of insulting ban reasons.) Biopic of the Week Todd Lyons has been on Uncyclopedia forever. No, seriously, he started editing in 2005 - and he's still here! He cut his article writing teeth on Dwight Schultz, and went on to write a further 98 of the buggers, while nailing his first feature with Fecal E.Coli, which started a run of 18.5 front page appearances up to the recent Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters. He's been an admin longer than most of our readership have been users. Put together. And he still has all his own teeth, he tells us! Blatant Filler of the Week This box here, which is blatant padding so the formatting of this issue looks about right. Cajek ban of the Week 22:16, 26 May 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Unacceptable username: ...too few recent bans for my liking....)

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The only newspaper to be delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 19:38, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost June 4th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

We're delivering it to your door anyways!

June 4th, 2009 • Issue 50 • I love the smell of news in the morning!

Todd not Lionised by all? By UU Uncyclopedia's long-cherished status as the worst was given a massive fillip this week with the discovery that genial admin Todd Lyons has his own Facebook hate group. This considerable accomplishment has to be considered among the highest praise ever bestowed on an admin of this wiki. Kosher kvetcher Mordillo even opined that it makes him the #1 admin on the wiki, as "even Mhaille doesn't have a hate group!" Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the WotM nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really, RDB is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a hate group on Facebook (if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the ban hammer after being on hiatus, they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the season and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this fall." The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned. Comings and Goings By Gerrycheevers As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of studying and finals; the summer season causing new and strange emotions in internet comedy writers; the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be mercilessly vandalized should their vacation extend overly long. Popular aquatic creature user Finnius claims to have returned. His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality pee and other, less pungent useful contributions. The elusive Cajek, a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include Dexter111344 after a brief hiatus and Gouncyclopedia!, who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog Dognewspaper returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story. Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level. SysRq remains on an indefinite hiatus. Gerrycheevers has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late. MrN9000 is still among the missing. Codeine is apparently gone as well, and Necropaxx will be losing his precious internet. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.

Check out these pages! Image spam Another one bites the dust Admin competence? From our logs: 01:08, 3 June 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.8.59.236 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (So far you've edited the pages 'your mom' and 'school'. Want me to try and guess your age?) 07:46, 2 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.17.189.150 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (bored fuckes should go fuck boards. It's too early in the morning and I can't think of anything smart to say) 20:04, 30 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.117.160.23 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Cyberbullying: we don't want to hear about people you know and why you want to suck their dick. I know that's not quite what you said, but something about what you said implied it) 20:38, 29 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Da Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (PLEASE MASSUH WHIP ME, OH MAH GOD, I'M GETTIN' SO HOT, I'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!!!!) Biopic of the Week The very Reverend Zim ulator is the undisputed, acknowledged, and slightly puce master of UnNews. As such, reporting about him in a newspaper may be an act of such metaphysical self-referentialism that it creates a negative feedback loop, destroying the universe, or at least this wiki. But, in the name of bringing Zim's name to our readership, that's a risk we're willing to take. We'd normally link to a bunch of stuff he's done at this point, but just take a look at UnNews - as we mentioned, he's basically the guy who keeps it all tickin'. Rats off to ya, Zim! Old School Featured Article of the Week In a week when Obama is trying to reach out to the Muslim community, perhaps it is an apt time to consider how far he is going to have to reach. Will he ever be able to bridge the gap all the way to the readership of American Fundie Magazine? "The magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist", and is just as relevant today as it was way back in 2006. VFD kept article of the week Plan 11 from Outer Space has been referred to as "amusing", "pretty funny" and "hilarious". Go see why people thought it worth having around.

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Delievered by Saberwolf116 01:52, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

An important announcement from your friends at IC.

Did you know *snicker*...Ahem. Did you know that SYSRQ IS TEH GHEYZORS? LOLOLOL!

Also, we've decided to keep our Colonization projects contained to Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/project for your watchlisting convenience. Put it in your watchlist and try to remember to add a cuss word or something once in a while eh?

Also also, I heard that Gerry likes the smell of his own farts.

Have fun Colonizers and let's be careful out there. -OptyC Sucks! CUN15:08, 6 Jun

I actually meant to type "anus". -OptyC Sucks! CUN15:21, 6 Jun

Tommorow doesn't mean ten days.

Where teh fuck are you? I haven't seen you anywhere in ages, not xbox not skype not here. Come back! And vote for my articles in teh top of the month. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:48 11 June 2009

UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

June 11th, 2009 • Issue 51 • Also available in convenient suppository form!

"Uncyclopedia Worst, Boys Smelly" Declares User By Gerrycheevers In a move that shocked the Uncyclopedia community, female user Kamikazewatermelon09 this week posted a topic in the lovable Pancake House of Benson. The shocking part of the incident was that an actual girl visited Uncyclopedia. Hooray! Our numerous virgin users can now cross off 'make contact with a woman (without giving a credit card number) over the internet, phone, or via smoke signal' from the list of steps towards achieving manhood. Though we can't help you with that face-to-face stuff...we hear that genre of contact is terrifying. The content of the post was too lengthy and riddled with cooties for the male, attention span deficient UnSignpost editors to actually read. Furthermore, the UnSignpost Executive Board refuses to add cootie insurance to the UnSignpost employee health plan. However, resident awesome potatochopper and known girl Sonje was recruited to read the message and react as if she had been asked a clever question by a hypothetical handsome UnSignpost reporter. From her exclusive comments, it seems that the topic poster was disappointed in the vulgarity and immaturity displayed by many of our gentlemen users. "I find the crassness rather endearing," Sonje responded, "in moderation." So, the moral of the story is: the users who really count will forgive us our occasional desire to cuss a blue streak or upload some boob-related images. So...go nuts! Cabal Criticism of the Week By: Gerrycheevers This week, lead Cabalist Mordillo blocked The Wizard Of Oz with an expiry time of Judgement Day, and did not provide a reason for the epic pwning. We here at the UnSignpost would like to call out Mordillo on this lack of explanation. Not as a courtesy to the user, which he certainly did not earn through his insertions of a weird version of a California article into several unseeming places. No, we would like to know why Mordillo did not take advantage of an opportunity that was ripe with comedic potential. Surely this poor soul's username could have resulted in a ban reason referencing shiny red shoes or flying monkeys? A statement concerning the location of the user being a place that is not Kansas? We would have settled for a measly 'looking for a brain' line. But instead, you left us hanging, Mordillo. We'd like to officially call you on it, and we take comfort in knowing that though you can ban the editors, and you can ban our freedom, you can never ban the UnSignpost. Though, on second thought, you could delete it.

Check out these pages! Invisible Forum! Happy Birthday Sonic80! Happy Birthday Woody! Happy Birthday Modusoperandi! FREAKING LIAR! From our logs: 15:19, 7 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.192.116.120 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(How To: Fuck off for 3 months) 17:49, 7 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.1.87.74 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎(one two fuck you!) 10:00, 8 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.190.33.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(comedy website. all football clubs get equal treatment here - ie a merciless slagging. mind you, chelsea really do suck.) Biopic of the Week Of all of the writers enshrined in the Uncyclopedia Hall of Shame, Electrified mocha chinchilla has the highest number of featured articles without having ever been profiled in the UnSignpost. Whoops, not anymore. Anyway, his list of works reads like a what's-what of awesomeness. The entity known as e|m|c also organized and ran several Poo Lit Surprise competitions. Worshipful notes and pie can be sent to his talk page. Retraction of the Week In last week's exceedingly humorous edition of the UnSignpost, we referred to Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435 was requiring all returning users to announce themselves in the forums. This is actually Bylaw #453. We apologize for the mistake, and also from the confusion resulting from the real Bylaw #435, which states that every 94 days a user's dog must be sacrificed to the Rancor. Sorry Led, and get well Fluffy! This Week in Uncyc, 1215 The Magna Carta was signed by King John of England, granting certain rights to serfs, peasants, slaves, farmers, and servants. This was immediately parodied in Ye Olde Signeposte, Uncyclopedia's bi-weekly periodical of the time. It was depicted as a document that forced King John to admit he had the power to tax servants, control every aspect of farmer's lives, and shoot serfs in his Royal Preserves for sport.

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I think I'm going crazy. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:15, 12 June 2009 (UTC)

Okay, here I am

Just sayin I'm back and all. Like, for good. Or at least for as long as I want. I'm off to go and try to re-assimilate as best I can. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:14, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

When I saw you're edit I was just so exited I actually farted! Also go vote for me! That's what you're good for isn't it?    Orian57    Talk   02:20 18 June 2009

Ah, hello there friend, good to see you again. I will indeed vote for your article. (I see that was enough to get you on Skype.) Also, congratulations on the fart. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:22, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Hello, I don't know you and you don't know me, but I've read your articles and they are amazing. Staircase CUN^t 02:28, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

How sweet of you to say. I'm looking at your userpage and it appears you have brought Cajek back so you're cool with me. Nice to meet you, Staircase. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Hello, I know you and you know me, but I've read your articles and they are shit. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 02:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Same to you. The UnBook about the T-Rex is unbelievably funny. Staircase CUN^t 02:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

How dickish of you to say. Go to hell, Dex. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:37, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

And thank you, Staircase, T-Rex was a proud moment for me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:37, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Love you too, Sys. Also Stair, I was just playing with Sys. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 02:38, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I know, I made my edit without knowing yours was there. Staircase CUN^t 02:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Kay. Just don't want any misunderstandings. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 02:40, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Plus, I know you would be joking cause his articles rock. Staircase CUN^t 02:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Fight fite feit! Staircase CUN^t 02:42, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah-HA! I knew you couldn't hide forever! Dude, it's damn good to see you. Now make me laugh. --UU - natter 08:17, Jun 18

I HAFTA BUY NEW KRAYONZ CUZ I BROAKD TEH WUNS I ALREDY GOT CUZ I CULLER TEW HARD LAWLAWLAWL. (That's totally your kind of humor, right?) —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:46, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

doo-doo-de-DOOOO

It's sysrq! I've been back for a while! Got any ideas for articles, or are you gonna troll around like me?   Le Cejak • <3:27 Jun 18, 2009>

I was thinking we get to work on Palpatine! But I may just troll around for a few days, you know, get my footing again. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, I'm done having grand plans for articles. I just write 'em randomly now. Palpatine, you say? I remember "rewriting" that piece of crap. I'll keep tabs on it, because I gave up on that a while ago. Let's troll!   Le Cejak • <3:37 Jun 18, 2009>

WOO. (Also, we had a plan for Palpatine that was really funny, I'll dig it up.) —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

IC

Welcome back, fucker! Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 08:18 June 18 '09

Ah yes, my favorite Egyptian faggot. Good to see you, asshole. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah, you dont know how much I missed your Anus. Good to see you back, fag :) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:00 June 18 '09

I had sex with your dog. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:01, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I had sex with your ants Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:04 June 18 '09

I don't have ants. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:05, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I burning ur ants!!lol1!shift+1! Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:09 June 18 '09

Your sig randomizer is throwing me off. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:16, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Good to know that I'm pissing you off.. Also, I gotta go now, got some anatomy exam to study for. Also also, anus. *strictly homo manhug* Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:20 June 18 '09

Haha. Anatomy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:54, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Yea, the prof sits with a fucking corpse infront of him, and puts his hands in its guts, pulls out a bone or some piece of flesh and says Tell me, son, whats this called, whats its function, whats its nerve supply? and shit like that. Dude, its awesome, all that gore has killed our hearts and here we are, reckess motherfucking medical students. Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 18:15 June 18 '09

Anus

You're back! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:07, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Indeed I am, David! Good to see you buddy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:47, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

David? How did you know my name? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:09, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

yeat another heading just titled 'IC'

welcome back, fearless leader. since you sailed off, we've colonized Barack Obama, Wikipedia, and Singapore. barack was stagnant, so i ended up doing a lot of it myself after three weeks. wikipedia turned out pretty good. singapore was really unexpected, because nobody really voted, but we managed to turn a hideously long, terrible article into a decent, readable, adequate one. singapore is up for review now, and we're working on You. we're still in the ideas stage, but i think we can get rolling today or tomorrow. i have some general concerns, we can discuss them at your leisure. good to have you back! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 13:18, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Aye, seems like some really good things have been happening in my absence. I'm glad that I had a good number two that was willing to step up and make sure things got done. I can't thank you enough, Ger. I will be around IC more and will probably be resuming my duties as Admiral of the Fleet as of right now. As for these general concerns of yours, would you like to discuss them publicly (as on, on my talk page) or should we head to IRC or Skype? I leave that to your discretion. Hope to hear from you soon, I should be online all day. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

nope, nothing shady, just wanted to make sure you were back and getting going before pummeling you with non-critical stuff. firstly i'd like to recognize Opty, as i had a small period of inactivity about two weeks back due to internets trouble, and he performed beautifully. secondly, i think we need to revisit the articles which we colonize, or else we run the risk of alienating potential reviewers. we've gotten some great advice, but as a group we don't go back and act on it sometimes. so maybe we could encourage colonizers to return to old conquests like barack and wikipedia and use the review to continue improving the article. thirdly, we've moved the current colonization to here: Uncyclopedia:Imperial_Colonization/project, for watchlisting convenience, and we will perform all actual colonization there, then move it to the designated place. i think that's it for now. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:47, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

All of these are very good things. Chris has always been one of my good Uncyc buddies and I've always known him as a hard worker so it doesn't surprise me that he would be good at this whole IC thing. Revisiting articles is a great idea, and you're right, we don't want to alienate reviewers and make them think that any advice they give on an IC article won't be followed. Perhaps we should work that into the system somehow. A separate team for revising articles? Eh, I'm just talking out of my ass. Finally, putting all IC projects in the same place is great. I haven't looked at the rule page recently, but I expect that it will need updating to reflect this new development. Thanks again! —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:53, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

one more thing: tagstit doesn't seem to be answering his phone, and the points for singapore haven't been tabulated. do i have permission to go ahead and do that? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 12:29, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Sissy!!!! ^_^

I missed you! --^Dame 16:21, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I didn't. Why couldn't you have stayed away you homo? -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:45, 18 Jun

Because I missed Sonje too much. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:51, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

That makes sense. Seriously though, it's good to have you back. -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:54, 18 Jun

He has a funny shaped head though. Only a mother could love that head.    Orian57    Talk   16:55 18 June 2009

Hey, shut the fuck up. I told you about my cerebral fluid condition in confidence. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:56, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I for one love his head... -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:57, 18 Jun

And I never made any refrence to your, tragically ficticious, brain disorder.    Orian57    Talk   16:58 18 June 2009

Oh dammit, I guess I spilled the beans on that one. Er, spilled the cerebral fluid. —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:15, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

All over my fancy shirt that glows in the dark and makes me look like a skelington. Fuck you, desiesed wanker.    Orian57    Talk   17:18 18 June 2009

Wow, that's very unpleasant to think about. —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:19, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

No, you're unpleasant to think about. You and your diseased head.    Orian57    Talk   17:30 18 June 2009

STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:34, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Can we please focus! Or rather can we take the focus away from Sissy's head and back towards my issues with abandonment. --^Dame 00:23, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

And yet, something tells me those two things may be correlated. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:25, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I assure you the only thing correlated to your head is Orian :P --^Dame 00:28, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I think i made it clear that I want nothing to do with that abomination.    Orian57    Talk   00:29 19 June 2009

Ah. Well, in that case...here's a Snuggie. Go curl up on the couch and watch Lifetime, you woman. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Sissy, go vote for my shit on VFH, got two articles there now.    Orian57    Talk   00:29 19 June 2009

Because you edit conflicted me, I will do no such thing. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Girl pants.    Orian57    Talk   00:32 19 June 2009

Boy penis. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:33, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Don't be such a hater.    Orian57    Talk   00:36 19 June 2009

Don't be such a penis. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:50, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

You mean anus. Now go vote.    Orian57    Talk   00:53 19 June 2009

I need to ask you a very important question:

What was the name of that Chinese (or similar) emperor bloke who killed quite a few people?    Orian57    Talk   03:15 19 June 2009

Emperor Pâlipitan? (can't resist a whore)   Le Cejak • <3:20 Jun 19, 2009>

No, I'm pretty sure he was real. Don't think I dreamed him... Doesn't matter too much now anyway decided against Writing (nor can I) that particular joke. Thanks though!    Orian57    Talk   03:49 19 June 2009

Pol Pot. I dunno if that's who you're thinking of, I just like to say that name. -OptyC Sucks! CUN22:25, 19 Jun

the guy who did the tianimeniminimen square massacre thing? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 22:58 June 19 '09

Yes, because Pol Pot was totally from China. Orian, I'm afraid I can't help you. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:05, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

China, Korea, what's the fucking difference anyway? Oh, wait! I got it! It's Ghengis Khan! -OptyC Sucks! CUN23:07, 19 Jun

thats mongolia Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 23:08 June 19 '09

or was it salt lake city? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 23:10 June 19 '09

Chairman Mao Zedong? --^Dame 23:11, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Actually, the Mongolian Empire stretched across quite a big portion of Asia. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:14, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

WHO CARES WHO CARES WHO FUCKING FUCKY FUCK CARES —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:15, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

holy fuck, thats the third edit conflict in two minutes Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 23:18 June 19 '09

That's cause my talk page is where it's at. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:21, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

How about Qin Shi Huang? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I dont really know who orian meant.. I mean many chinese emperors were tyrants, killed people and so forth Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 23:32 June 19 '09

Perhaps he meant Yang Shangkun. He was president during the Tiananman protests. But Mao was leader during the cultural revolution. But why? Why is Orian forcing us to use our sparse little brain cells at this ungodly hour? --^Dame 23:44, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Correction: Why is Orian forcing us to use Wikipedia at this ungodly hour? —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:54, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I just want to talk. Staircase CUN^t 23:55, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Please don't interrupt

Just sit back and listen

And I can't face the evening straight

You can offer me escape

Houses move and houses speak

If you take me there you'll get

Relief

/me just happened to be listening to that song. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:57, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah, the joy of Radiohead. --^Dame 23:59, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I love Radiohead. I think everyone should, too. A Wolf At The Door? Amazing song. I don't see how anyone could not fall in love with that song. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:01, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

My guitarist worships the ground they walk on, I was forced to study the entire discography. Now I love them too. 'Climbing up the Walls' is my favourite song. --^Dame 00:04, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That is a great song. Makes me think of late night Halo Wars sessions. Because I often just put OK Computer on repeat while I play Xbox. I also like to bust out the Cheezits and spread peanut butter on my dick for my toothless dog to gnaw on. Ah, how I miss those days. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Bodysnatchers. Staircase CUN^t 00:06, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Way to edit conflict me, asshole. Although Bodysnatchers is a good song. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I got two. Two edit confilcts. DOn't feel bad. Staircase CUN^t 00:12, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

As does the dog, I am sure. Miss those days I mean, not the edit conflicts. Dammit. STOP BEING SO POPULAR SISSY! --^Dame 00:14, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Ya! Stop it! Staircase CUN^t 00:15, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

YAHHH YAHH TRICK

AND YO FRIEND, YAHHH YAHH TOO

AIN'T GOT TIME FO CHIT CHAT

I'M TRYIN TA GET DIS MONEY

Now I'm listening to that song. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:17, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

If there were a prize sonje would win it for her anser "Chairman Mao Zedong". Probably, I think that's who I was thinking of. And go vote on Writing, Sissy.    Orian57    Talk   00:18 20 June 2009

And more importantly, delete that song. Thats the devil's music! O_o --^Dame 00:20, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Oh, sure. Got a fave band, Sissy? Staircase CUN^t 00:25, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I do not. I literally listen to everything from Deftones to Radiohead to Aesop Rock to The Number Twelve Looks Like You to MF Doom to BT to Zao to DJ Tiesto to Tchaikovsky. One might say I am rather eclectic. Also, did George tell you to call me Sissy? —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

No, it's just everyone is, so I thought it was ok. Staircase CUN^t 00:32, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That's where you're wrong. Just because a lot of Uncyclopedians do something does not make it right. In fact, usually if a lot of Uncyclopedians are doing something, it would be prudent to avoid doing it, or do the opposite. So, you should probably be calling me Yssis or something. I don't know, who gives a damn. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:34, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I also saw SysReck. Staircase CUN^t 00:36, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I think you mean SisReck. I usually respond to SysRq, Sys, Sissy, SisReck, Alex, or Bison. I can also be summoned with this MagicConch. ($14.99 USD) —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:41, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Grrr, don't use my name on Uncyc. Please?    Orian57    Talk   00:45 20 June 2009

There's nothing wrong, George is a cool name! Staircase CUN^t 00:46, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Perhaps, I'd just prefer Orian on site, OK?    Orian57    Talk   00:55 20 June 2009

A wise choice. Using your real name on here is REAALLY stupid >_> --^Dame 00:59, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Really? Aw, shit! Staircase CUN^t 01:07, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I only do it to George because he hates it. I'm not sure why, George is a fine name. I started calling him Gorgeous George on Skype and he seems to like that. —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

My name is Staircase. I made a dumb mistake. Staircase CUN^t 01:11, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That's a shame. —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:13, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Ya, it sucks. Staircase CUN^t 01:15, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I wish I hadn't been lazy when I first joined...

...So that I actually could have done something, and possibly gotten Noob of the Month. Now I feel un-needed. Either that, or I just needed an excuse to post something.The SOAD Fan (Ryan C.) 15:57, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

You're still welcome here, friend. If you want to write, let's write! —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:40, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost! June 18th/19th!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

June 18th, 2009 • Issue 52 • Thinly sliced news, between two slices of humor, with lettuce and hollandaise sauce

Votes for Sandwiches Officially Opens By Gerrycheevers This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordillo exclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran." Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich! Comebacks! Only $19.95! Call Now! By: Saberwolf116 Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1! By: Gerrycheevers Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!! Things Brewing In IRC By Sockpuppet of an unregistered user People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.

Check out these pages! Release personal details here. Overractions! Slander! Hot Republican Chicks with Guns! Death To Our Enemies, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Illogicopedia. From our logs: 14:37, 11 June 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a nice stroll in the park ‎(The only edit I can make on this website right now is blocking myself. Woohoo!) 15:42, 12 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for The Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎(Follow the yellow brick road to oblivion! Put on your red shoes and dance! dance! Ackowledge that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. And yes I am the wicked witch of the west. I have a wart to prove it) 12:11, 16 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.101.164.1 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎(vandullism - and your cheese looks old and stale anyway. bring me something fresher. and a red onion chutney - let's do this properly) Biopic of the Week Sonje ~ Bursting onto the Uncyclpedia scene in March 2009, this spunky female user already has quite the impressive resume. Her six featured images speak of her monumental potatochopping abilities, and she won consecutive Potatochopper of the Month awards. Yeah, that's right. Consecutive. We look forward to many more expertly manipulated images and other general awesomery from Sonje in the months to come. Old School Featured Article of the Week Continuing in the vaguely sandwich-related theme, Sausage Butty Batter Nuggets are a staple of English cuisine. With a complicated recipe that often leads to dangerous and/or hilarious consequences, this food is nevertheless a highly desirable meal for any self-respecting gentleman or lady in England, and is often served at croquet competitions and monocle-wearing contests. Pictured at right is the extra-crunchy West Country variety. This Week in Uncyc, 3500 BC The Great Pyramids of Giza, one of the greatest technological and engineering feats in human history, was parodied in the monthly Uncyclopedia newsletter Bird, Bird, Crocodile, Man With Dog Face, Bird, which was painstakingly written on papyrus reeds by dozens of slaves. In the periodical, the Pyramids were described as "just okay", and were depicted as a stepping stone to grander projects such as Great Cubes and perhaps even a Great Octagonal Prism. Reason to Leave Uncyclopedia of the Week #12: Space issues. With so many users returning, and Cajek refusing to grant access to the Cajek Mansion (which takes up over 60% of all Uncyclopedia's property), there just isn't enough room for us all.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

You'd think I'd learn that this isn't fun to do... Oh well. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 19:40, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I Have Possessed Your Vote

And for that I am extremely thankful! As is Cajek, I'm sure.  :) --T. (talk) 04:48, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

It was quite brilliant. Every once in a while, you have to show up and remind us what an excellent musician/songwriter/lyricist you are and it sickens me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 04:50, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

You're much too kind.  :) I'm actually quite relieved that I haven't completely lost it. It's literally been years since I've sung anything, and I haven't done any audio production until the recent UnNews mp3s I resumed last month. But, I'm glad I took a chance at uploading something new... It actually was just a gift for Cajek, and wasn't supposed to be nominated.  :) --T. (talk) 05:06, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Aw, well that was very sweet of you. If only I had a handsome and talented gentleman suitor to sing me a love song...all I've got is that one faggot. —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:14, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

If I tried to sing you would all go deaf. Staircase CUN^t 05:16, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I've finally got my home studio set up in my new house, except for my mic but that will just take a few seconds. I may start singing for you guys if the fancy strikes me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:19, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

You definitely should. :) --T. (talk) 05:21, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Well, if you're anything like me, you shouldn't. But then again, I'm a freak. Staircase CUN^t 05:33, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

DAMMIT TODD I SAID IF THE FANCY STRIKES ME CHRIST YOU CAN'T RUSH ART —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:40, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Actually, you can. Staircase CUN^t 05:47, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Just slap on an 'Express' label. Works on my packages. Just think of us as the grains of sand irritating you to produce that pearl. (wiggle wiggle) --T. (talk) 06:35, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

A PEARL IS JUST AN OYSTER POOP —Sir SysRq (talk) 06:37, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Moar Feature Thankies

Writers, of all kinds, would like to thank you! For voting for the article on Writing to become featured. They wrote this template just for you, please apreciate the effort - it is a work of art after all!

   Orian57    Talk   13:00 22 June 2009

An unimportant announcement from some douchebag at IC.

Hey dude. Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that my Grandpa died last Sunday. Understandably, I'm not feeling especially funny right now so my participation in IC will probably be very minimal for the time being. Just wanted you to know I'm not abandoning y'all by any means. -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:09, 23 Jun

If you are not joking (and I dont think you are), I feel deeply sorry for you. :( Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:19 June 23 '09

Dude. All the best Opty. --UU - natter 17:59, Jun 23

My condolences.    Orian57    Talk   20:32 23 June 2009

We'll manage somehow, please take all the time you need. Much love, Chris. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:11, 23 June 2009 (UTC)

Thanks guise. And I'm glad to hear you'll manage somehow. =D Ta, I needed that. -OptyC Sucks! CUN14:20, 25 Jun

Have you voted

For me on WotM yet? Also what do you think of LazyTown?    Orian57    Talk   03:40 25 June 2009

You... you... you thing that begins with "W". Haven't you crushed me enough yet?  :) --T. (talk) 13:12, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

I have, just moments ago. And I even mentioned how you didn't whore me into doing so. Now you've made me look like a liar. YOU'RE THE LIAR. And no, I have not taken a good look at LazyTown. I will get to that soon. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:44, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Speaking of looking at things, um... Can you checkout my rash? It's starting to turn green. That isn't good, is it? MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 03:46, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

sorry I meant to link    Orian57    Talk   03:47 25 June 2009

Not THAT green. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:48, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

I think hate was a tad harsh

To be honest I thought we got off on quite a good foot; apparently you feel it was a manky and leprosy infected one. Well, I'm always right when it comes to diseased limbs so you listen to me now. I don't care that you didn't vote for me in Foolitzer, I don't care that you refused to say anything nice to me this morning on IRC, but what I do care about is when you publicly insinuate that we are not having an affair.

I think you need to take a deep breath and rethink your priorities, Mr. ... Or Miss, I haven't quite worked that out yet. ImNotASunbeam 10:42, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Welcome to Uncyclopedia!

I see that we need to straighten a few things out as far as what actually goes on around here. I can see how to some it is not inherently obvious at first, but there is a certain atmosphere around here that makes Uncyclopedia what it is. Scroll up a bit. OptyC calls me gay all the time. Scroll up more. There's Orian57 calling me girl pants, and there's me calling him a faggot. My point is that we never stop. This is all one big joke. We joke on each other because we're all friends here and, for some reason, we think it's hilarious. It's just how we are. Last night (or this morning, for you Brits) was a pretty typical example of a fun night on IRC. Some of it may have seemed to be at your expense, but for the most part we all joke on each other. So don't think I have anything personal against you, or that I ever mean anything I say. In fact, you can generally assume that ANY Uncyclopedian is kidding whenever he/she says anything.

So welcome to Uncyclopedia! Hopefully you realize that, by me joking around with you, I am actually extending a hand of friendship. Don't worry that said hand has a loogie in it. It's all part of the fun. Cheers! —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:21, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Ooo, that's so nice of you. And it's romantic, too, I love romance... Fuck you, shipwreck Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:32 June 25 '09

Shipwreck? I don't think I've been called that before. I like it, clever. Good job. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:35, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

o rly? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:37 June 25 '09

I called you God once. Man, was I wrong. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:40, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Especially considering I'm an atheist. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:41, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

hey, you're an admiral of her majesty's fleet.. Shipwreck fits you Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:43 June 25 '09

You're right. That's probably the worst possible nickname for someone in my position. My men have no faith in me now. Thanks a lot. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:45, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

vote for me here Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 16:47 June 25 '09

Er dude. I wasn't taking it in a bad way. Sheet I need to sort my wording out if it came across that I was offended. I majorly suck at trying to be funny if you didn't get it. Friends? Sunbeam no u Have you been doing your ironing?

Your mom's a friend! MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 18:09, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Lies. My mum doesn't even have facebook >:( Sunbeam no u Have you been doing your ironing? 18:21, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

I just realised

This page doesn't have enough me on it. I am therefore going to rectify that matter by posting this comment on it. This comment may not be funny, chucklesome, hilarious or whimsical, but it makes up for that by being from me, which automatically makes it a good thing. Also, this wiki is definitely a better thing with a Sys in it. That needs mentioning too. --UU - natter 20:09, Jun 25

Wow, I think I just came. You know, cos there's not enough of me here.    Orian57    Talk   22:51 25 June 2009

There's plenty of Orian in here, enough to kill a horse. But I'm always in want of more UU, you are always welcome here on my talk page. Let's strike up a discussion! Celebrities always die in threes. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and now...Michael Jackson! How does this make you feel? Could you be next? —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:29, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

How is Farrah Fawcett a celebrity? Also, your page seems to be lacking in OptyC. It's the most important Opty you know, much better than OptyA or OptyB. Also also, you're a faggot, but not the good cuddly kind of faggot like Orian. More like the perverted old faggot who makes everybody uncomfortable at Christmas. ♥ OS? -OptyC Sucks! CUN14:26, 26 Jun

Ah, way to bring that up, you whore. And of course I'm always in need of some OptyC in my diet. OS? —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:14, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

What's an Ed McMahon? Is he something to do with wrestling? Also, it would be more interesting if celebrities always died in trees. Discuss. --UU - natter 11:21, Jun 29

Well it would help determine who was the most famouse out of said three and so who we should invest more time into mourning. Indeed perhaps even who we shouldn't have cared about in the first place.    Orian57    Talk   11:24 29 June 2009

Hi Gustav

Hey, are you Gustav? -Contestant 10:33, 28 June 2009 (UTC)

I sure am, er, was. I think that, in the year or so I've been using this account, you're the first to address me as Gustav. Why do you ask? —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:13, 28 June 2009 (UTC)

I was just browsing through the ancient archives, and well... Mr Zhe-mel-talki-signe-singaporel-bling ^Brute! 09:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

UnScripts:Trapped at Sea

Whaddaya think?    Orian57    Talk   12:21 28 June 2009

Bump!    Orian57    Talk   17:35 28 June 2009

You said my talkpage was epic!

So here's an apple. And a cookie. From the cookies of my heart.

Zheliel has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic.

Zheliel has awarded you an apple! Nope, it's not rotten.

Mr Zhe-mel-talki-signe-singaporel-bling ^Brute! 09:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money

Users Campaign to Delete Vast Portions of Uncyclopedia By Gerrycheevers Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions. First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project. Next in line for the guillotine was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, The Young and the Uncyclopedians. At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian Thekillerfroggy, who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the Uncyclopedia Deletion Tribunal, but further actions may be in the works. When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!" Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again By Gerrycheevers The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris. The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are. When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"

Check out these pages! Ledddy calls for more reminiscence The counting goes horribly, horribly wrong THIS JUST IN THIS JUST OUT From our logs: 01:41, 24 June 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 66.109.20.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX) 00:18, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!) 00:17, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) resurrected Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) ‎ (wrng "a"gn) 00:16, 21 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (NO MORE MR. NICEGUY) Biopic of the Week "How has the UnSignpost never run a biopic on So So?", you might ask. "I mean, his userpage is somewhere between confusing and disturbing, but the guy's a comedic genius! His writings are classic!", you might continue. You might even mention that he was nommed for WotM for about half a year in 2007 before finally winning the thing. Well, you might be interested in reading this week's UnSignpost, and then you might look into shutting up. Old School FA of the Week The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere save for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium (but nobody gives a crap about Belgium.) The United Nations is working on this problem even as you read this.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

We're not late you're just high!    Orian57    Talk   14:22 30 June 2009

Uncyclopedia:Timeline and UN:IC

SysRq,

Just thought you might be interested that an idea was brought up at Gwax's timeline project for a possible collaboration with UN:IC. MadMax 15:07, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

Ta!

I, Orian57, extend my grattitude for (of?) your vote on WotM! No but seriously, guys. Thanks, it means something to me, more than it should probably.

Have you voted for me on WotM yet, fucker? Also where are you? you keep leaving - stay the fuck still!    Orian57    Talk   12:16 1 July 2009

UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

July 2nd, 2009 • Issue 54 • The newspaper with the name that's an anagram of "stop using n"

The Young and The Uncyclopedians Cancelled By Gerrycheevers After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically. Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin." Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream... Main Page Suffers Spasms of Dickery By Gerrycheevers If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else. You may or may not have found an intruiging offer to reffer freinds to take some sort of mp3-player related actions. You may or may not have found some sort of story with a vague theme of respecting one's elders, and everything about those elders, and we do mean everything. You may or may not have found some sort of strange mix of the two that left you with conflicting feelings. These feelings may or may not have included, but not been limited to: fear, anger, jealousy, confusion, fear again, and a vague sensation of falling. The admins responsible for this will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, will not be named.

Check out these pages! HowTo: Get Banned for a Day Serious, on-topic discussion More voting for things! From our logs: 12:34, 26 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Gotlegginh (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off) 21:18, 26 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 seconds ‎(Non-kosher edits to Woody's meatpage) 08:35, 29 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.78.127.159 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(I is an 8 year old from the UK with super admin powerz, fuck you) 11:49, 1 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 222.153.106.69 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(I think you'll find it is you who fail. and not even epically either - just with a bit of a whimper.) Biopic of the Week Lovable Wikia dictator Sannse has settled in rather well in the Uncyclopedia Community. She is a double Hall of Shame member, and she recently took home the coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month award for her work in making things behind the scenes to run smoothly, which we take it means that she is very good at regulating the caffeine intake of the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Uncyclopedia. Her typical reaction to watermelon jokes is summed up on the right. Old-School Featured Article of the Week HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble is an informative guide to consistently winning via questionable means that most enjoyable of letter-arranging games, Scrabble. Fake dictionaries, fake online dictionaries, fake tiles, and octopi are just a few of the diverse methods one can utilize in order to gain a distinctly unfair advantage while playing the game. This Week in Uncyc, 1776 While the American colonies and the British Empire were not quite getting along, the corresponding members of Uncyclopedia were also having a bit of a flamewar. Prominent British users subtly edited the article on America to include a fictional fourteenth colony called West Wankerton, and American admins reacted by banning the drinking of any tea-related beverages in the Uncyclopedia break room. In the end, both sides agreed to a truce due to the massively impressive fireworks show, which was a Fourth of July tradition. The truce basically entailed both entities cooperation in the vandalism of the article on France.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:37, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

This is a Giant Ugly Template And it’s yours!

The actors would like to thank you! For voting for UnScripts:Heartbeat 2012 to become featured. Female Police Officer: Hel- Nathan: (interupting) Hello and thank you. We appreciate the recognition of our work and in recognition of this we give you this template. Female Police Officer: I swear to god if you cut across me like that again I'll beat you to death you bastard! Oscar: I apologise for the woman, she's not normally this vulgar. Must be her period or something.

   Orian57    Talk   10:57 5 July 2009

Sissy! Where are you?

My articles need your vote. And you'll also love this, it'll be on VFH soon too.    Orian57    Talk   03:11 6 July 2009

SISSY! Hello, whats up, go vote for me, ect... :D    Orian57    Talk   01:31 14 July 2009

Well, it looks as though Uncyc's biggest whore has come back to SysRq's talk page. Staircase CUN^t 01:33, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

I know, and he just won't LEAVE! What the eff! —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:35, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

Srsly!!! Staircase CUN^t 01:49, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

i no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:59, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

it's so dum. y duz he keep trying 2 hore? Staircase CUN^t 02:01, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

lol cuz he gay did u kno he a fag —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:03, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

ya i no. he'll probbly cum on me 2marow Staircase CUN^t 02:08, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

lol he cumz all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:13, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

ur so lucky! Staircase CUN^t 02:14, 14 July 2009 (UTC)

colonization restart (for the 9th time, i think)

hey sys, i've made a few minor policy changes for colonization, you can react on the talk page if you so wish. it also appears you've gone away again. will you be back soon? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:07, 9 July 2009 (UTC)

cocks. MrN 19:23, Jul 9

I hope. I'll take a look when I can. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:16, 9 July 2009 (UTC)

Penis. MrN 23:30, Jul 9

UnSignpost 9th July 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH

July 9th, 2009 • Issue 55• Help! I'm trapped in a newspaper printer!

Survivor returns to Uncyclopedia after almost two years By THEDUDEMAN, with additional reporting by An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays In late 2007, a man by the name of Leoispotter had the idea to bring his favorite reality show to Uncyclopedia. Thus, the first season of UnSurvivor was created. After five thrilling rounds of voting, Mr. Briggs Inc. managed to win against the other finalist, Thekillerfroggy, by a mere two votes. Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me." Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before. Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour. They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.) Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come. Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.) Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost By Gerrycheevers This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness. Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.

Check out these pages! The second round of the Uncyclopedia Music Awards! 4.252.99.182 HAS BEEN FOUND! Uncyclopedians trying to workout From our logs: 23:02, 7 July 2009 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) blocked Spang (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 days ‎(testing, I haven't done this in a while) 09:26, 7 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.178.213.53 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) ‎(In fact, here is our complimentary "welcome to uncyclopedia & fuck off" package. Have a nice day.) 00:36, 6 July 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked The Woodburninator (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 191 seconds ‎(You ain't no ban magnet. But I can help you become one. By banning you, that is.) Biopic of the Week Now missing for over 18 months, it's time to send the search party out for ENeGMA. If the userbox on his user page is accurate, then his 250,000+ edits mean that he has created virtually all of the content on Uncyclopedia. While that isn't quite true, he has produced some classically awesome articles, and we wish he'd come back and play. Quote of the Week <TheLedBalloon> well, my parents were like, son, we're going to make meatloaf tonight <TheLedBalloon> and I was like <TheLedBalloon> shit yeah <TheLedBalloon> you know <TheLedBalloon> I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOAF <Shaggy-Rogers> EVEN BLOW YOUR LOAD ON YOUR MOM'S FACE =-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o TheLedBalloon by ChanServ =-= Shaggy-Rogers was booted from #uncyclopedia by TheLedBalloon (2 dads) =-= Mode #uncyclopedia -o TheLedBalloon by TheLedBalloon Old-School Featured Article of the Week A Handgun is a non-lethal weapon that has been in use for over 150 years. As adaptable as it is safe, the Handgun can fire many different kinds of bullets, which each require different distinct noises such as "pchoo!". Advantages include an infinite amount of ammunition and the lack of a necessity to reload. Attempts at Handgun regulation have proven pointless at best. This Week in Uncyc, 658 AD With the Dark Ages in full swing, Uncyclopedia tried to lighten the mood with a contest that urged users to photoshop a humorous image involving a priest, a monk, and a nun. Since the most advanced photoshop technology at the time still consisted of using paint to draw on canvas, not a single entry was completed by the two-week deadline. However, prominent Uncyclopedian John Smith continued his work far past the deadline, and after eight months submitted an image of a waterskiing nun, which became Uncyclopedia's first featured image.

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9001(bot)  22:47, Jul 9

UnDead Thankings

Doug would like to thank you! For Helping him and little Emily get through the inconvenient zombie apocalypse!

   Orian57    Talk   15:14 14 July 2009

LazyThnaks

Joshy would like to thank you all again! For featuring LazyTown on the front page, he’ll be pretty much thrilled. Not sure what his mum’s gonna say but it’ll all be fine... He might be grounded forever though.

   Orian57    Talk   20:36 15 July 2009

Arr! There be a Thanksplate at Thiry Noughts!

Martin would like to thank you! For helping him stay afloat during his time with Marline and until his rescue/untimely death.

There a full consecutive hatric. :P    Orian57    Talk   15:10 16 July 2009

UnSignpost: July 16nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

July 16th, 2009 • Issue 56 • This is a Pathetic Joke

User Return Causes Widespread Panic By Gerrycheevers This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in). The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays. Flood of Crap Nearly Overflows VFD By Gerrycheevers For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD. Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles. Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!" Orian57 On Fire By Gerrycheevers Noted rainbow-colored user Orian57 has recently enjoyed a remarkable string of success (pictured on right). He has scored an unprecedented natural hat trick of features, with UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden, LazyTown, and UnScripts:Trapped at Sea reaching the front page on consecutive days. Not since the time of such legends as Savethemooses and The Thinker have such lofty VFH records been broken. Although in the case of STM, there were probably mitigating factors involved, like wooden articles rather than aluminum, or something. Or aluminium, that strange substance only found in England by mining thousands of millions of other strange occurences, such as referring to the trunk of a car as a "boot". This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.

Check out these pages! Some guy is trying to update Images... Hey look, a new game to play! Or is this business? UnBusiness!? Proof that Wikia hates us! From our logs: 09:27, 9 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a bouncer from Flintoff ‎(pre-emptive ban before you ban me for pickiness. your English > my Hebrew etc etc...) 20:38, 14 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎(Impersonating a girl. Perv.) 14:03, 16 July 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.186.81.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(you know Euthanasia might just be the thing you are looking for....) Biopic of the Week Known as the man of many signatures (most of them garish and spinning in some fashion), Mahm00shA has made quite the impression on Uncyclopedia since joining in February. His transcription of an interview with a cab driver in his native Egypt has earned him recognition as a writer, and his other useful qualities have earned him an Uncyclopedian of the Month nomination. Go 'moosh! Quote of the week [16:41] <Tayor> we're going to need a base to work from. [16:43] <Tayor> by 'we' I meann 'I' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'are' I mean 'am' [16:43] <Tayor> and by 'work' I mean 'give blow jobs' In honour of The Ashes, it's: UU's classic cricket commentary of the week! "There's Tony Greig standing at second slip — legs wide apart, bending over, waiting for a tickle" - Brian Johnston. Of course, this simple piece of commentary should require no clarification, but any Americans, other foreigners, or chavs who don't understand the finer points of cricket can pop over to UU's talk page for a patronising explanation. Old-School Featured Article of the Week Martin Van Buren was the eighth President of the United States, a key figure in U.S. political development during the nineteenth century, and a total dick. While other legislators were busy dueling or being awesome in general, Van Buren spent his time practicing his douchebag skills and smelling of old people. He always argues about the stupidest things, and he refuses to ever admit he's wrong. And I'm never letting him borrow my car again. Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week The UnSignpost editors regret to announce the introduction of a new device, the "Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week". This box will be used to take up space on the right-hand side of the UnSignpost, an example of which you are currently experiencing. Look for this box to appear when a larger than usual number of stories on the left side of the UnSignpost and an impending end of the work day force the editors to make something up on the fly. This also offers opportunities to sneak trusted mascot DogNewspaper into the issue.

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:22, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 23rd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

July 23rd, 2009 • Issue 57 • The Newspaper That Won't Tell Everyone That You Wet the Bed! Oops...

Uncyclopedia Users Form Fantasy Football League By Gerrycheevers This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums. Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother. Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state." "I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day. Village Dump Suffers From Rash of Inactivity By Gerrycheevers In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time. Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity. In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.

Check out these pages! US vs UK, the showdown... almost Picture Wars: Forum Edition Still counting to a million From our logs: 03:45, 23 July 2009 Under user blocked Mi$ter Bigg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (insert Cosby catchphrase here. or not - I don't really give two fucks) 00:48, 20 July 2009 TheLedBalloon blocked 71.195.100.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (In the words of Abraham Lincoln, suck my presidential cock, bitch!) 06:30, 18 July 2009 Mordillo blocked Speroxenos (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (your hard on does not impress me) Biopic of the Week Arguably the most prominent sub-primate whose existance status varies depending on the day of the week on the entire wiki, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays has recently made a return to Uncyclopedia. His track record speaks for itself: awesome articles abound in Ape's presence, his handling of breaking news situations is praiseworthy, and his information guides are useful and informative. Welcome back, Ape! Old School Featured Article of the Week Toilet Door Communication, or TDC, is considered by many to be the forerunner of the modern internet. This fascinating form of conversation is complete with its own exceedingly dense jargon and wide spectrum of users. Washing your hands after use is strongly recommended. Quote of the Week <Bonner> A while later we also completely wrapped the scooter in cling film <Bonner> I still have the photos, he was really pissed about that one <e|m|c> You mean saran wrap. <e|m|c> Fucking English. <Bonner> Cling flim <e|m|c> Uhh. Saran wrap. <Bonner> cling film <Bonner> :) <e|m|c> Cling film <Bonner> Saran wrap <e|m|c> Correct. This Week in Uncyc, 1901 Uncyclopedia users celebrated their first of many week-long tributes to Oscar Wilde, unable to wait the originally planned year after his death. The entire main page was dedicated to Wilde-related issues, and the first instance of mass Wilde quoting ensued. Reader Poll of the Week The editors need your help; please weigh in here on the important, non-boring issue of UnSignpost formatting.

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This edition is on time, and anyone who tells you differently is lying! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 03:02, 25 July 2009 (UTC)

You sir

Are a tremendous faggot. Where the hell are you? -OptyC Sucks! CUN15:49, 25 Jul

I second that. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 11:45, 7 August 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 30th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

July 30th, 2009• Issue 58• Now Delivered Trendily Late!

Uncyclopedia Users Alter Time Itself By The Woodburninator This week: an update. As previously reported in an earlier news story, one month ago several well-known contributors went on a campaign to try and delete time itself. It is said they were trying to bring about an end to unfunniness throughout history, with the slight side effect of non-existence. But just as it looked as if their plan would come to fruition, cooler heads prevailed and stopped everything in its tracks. Since then, the plan has changed. Instead of deleting all that ever was, the users have decided it would be much more prudent to just change all of history to their liking. Several users have been seen spending their free time on User:Gwax/Timeline rebuild, in some cases changing events one year at a time, and in others trying to change entire millennia. How they are able to do this, no one is sure, though rumors of a DeLorean DMC-12 have been circulating. The outcomes of the project have, thus far, been very good for us for everyone. There was one unfortunate incident when a user tried to give his parents millions of dollars before he was born, but the extra money forced them to separate before he was conceived. All of a sudden he didn't exist, but then if he didn't exist, how could he have gone back in time to change anything? It caused a huge rift in space/time, a bit of a bother really. But we're happy to report that everything has been sorted out with no casualties only one casualty! Remarks from the community on the process have been nothing but positive. "In order to walk the road of peace, we need to climb the mountain of conflict," notable scholar TKF exclusively commented. We have our entire staff working around the clock to figure out what this means as we speak. Town drunk Dexter111344 was also heard mumbling about the subject. He blamed wizards for the whole thing, before stumbling away, probably to make more links to A wizard did it. Regardless, whether its wizards or time machines, the editing of the past continues as we speak, and will continue until all of history has been changed. Or until we get bored and move onto something else. Uncyclopedia Editors Conflicted Over Story Topic By Gerrycheevers Owing to the large amount of things happening in the last week, and also to the fact that this issue is unforgivably late, the editors of the UnSignpost were unable to settle on a single topic for the second story of this week's edition. The editors were also unable to agree on either two topics for a rare three-story issue or how many UnSignpost editors it takes to screw in a lightbulb (the UnSignpost staff has been left to ponder this question in the dark). As a decision could not be reached, it was decided after much deliberation and petty arguing that all of the candidate stories be mentioned rapid-fire in a single story, so as to confuse and irritate the reader and cause him to be required to navigate back to this issue to click on all of the links. These stories are as follows: Zombiebaron returns and petitions to end voting. His effort is parodied, rebutted, and parodied again. A link to Requested Articles is placed on the sidebar and MadMax commences handing out badges to requested article creators. Zombiebaron returns again to demand reskins, which we understand means he needs to replace all of his undead flesh with "fresh flesh". Cajek returns, but not really. VFH maxes out at 23 nominations at press time, including some discussion-inducing selections. More events certainly occured, but we can't be arsed to list everything for you.

Check out these pages! UN:REQ Gone Wilde! All the Greatest Music of the 80s, on Three Great Cassettes! Whose Sandwich? From our logs: 14:47, 26 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎(I banned a guy for too long this one time. Then I had nachos.) 20:40, 29 July 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 Minute (Constantly littering recent changes with thousands of really useful edits.) 20:45, 29 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎(Not having enough tits.) 15:17, 30 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 122.173.57.31 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(blanking? why not just wear a t-shirt proudly declaiming "I have no life"? it has much the same effect, but you might get away with claiming it's ironic...) Biopic of the Week Touching down on the Uncyclopedia runway in December '08, Saberwolf116 has quickly become one of the all-time great Pee Reviewers. With 86 of them under his belt, Saber has recently ridden off into a yellow sunset to pursue some sort of education, or something along those lines that will detract from his Uncyclopedia-ing. Return soon, fair Saberwolf! Old-School Featured Article of the Week Bold Speech to text software bold is the most wide Lee used applicate shin by lacy people who can knot be bother to type. It's bark tech know lodge-y has vast Lee bark improve in Reese cent years. Bark bark it is not recommend Ed bark four use in bark off is spaces bark with noisy bark dogs. Diabolical Plan to Overtake the Wiki of the Week It seems that UnSignpost co-chief editor Under user has recently succeeded in the first stages of producing a sewer-dwelling offspring (pictured). Rumors of UU using the as-yet-unnamed biological sockpuppet for activities of questionable morality are unconfirmed. Congratulations, UU! Reader Poll Results Last week we asked loyal UnSignpost readers to weigh in on the immensely interesting issue of formatting. There was no clear consensus on the subject, as it seems Uncyclopedians employ the full range of screen resolutions, and as such it's a wonder anyone can read the UnSignpost at all. The most telling aspect of the poll was its response rate, indicating that a full eight people read the UnSignpost.

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It's on time, you were just high and didn't realize when it got here! THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 02:45, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!

August 6th, 2009 • Issue 59 • Painfully Extracting Nuggets of Truth from the Teeth of the News!

Uncyclopedia Triples Ad Revenue; Users Line Up For Paychecks By Gerrycheevers This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor. However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behind Olipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day. A Hell of a Time at the Village Dump By Bad Shroom Recently in the forums, BHOP's activity has arguably skyrocketed. An IP has started a new rhyming craze, and the cheesy, crunchy snack food CheddarBBQ has revived many topics that were getting rather aged, such as Fantasy Football, a Shakira-esque topic, and even his own birthday's topic. Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there any cool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on Public Access Channel 2!

Check out these pages! The 18th Quadrennial Slut List Obama Tosses the Patriot Act at Uncyclopedia STFU, N00B!! From our logs: 08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet ‎(tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!) 02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.) 02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.14.52.46 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.) Biopic of the Week Like most of the dozens of Uncyclopedians that hail from Norwell, Massachusetts, The UnIdiot is awesome. Perhaps most well known for his high quality journalism, he has also branched out into public service announcements and novelized fiction. We don't know what the deal with Norwell is; probably something to do with the water. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes. Cajek Update of the Fortnight Noted funnyman Cajek was recently spotted announcing his presence and simultaneously his lack of activity. However, he was also sighted vandalizing signatures and driving in a reckless manner, with a crumpet in his hand and a groundhog on his lap, respectively.

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Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:22, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Several things have come to my attention

1. You've not been seen on here for aaaaages
2. You appear to not be my friend on Facebook any more - is this because I'm not very active on there and don't have anything interesting to say when I am? How shallow of you - for shame! This merits a ban of epic proportions!
3. Things on this site tend to be at least 2% more fun and amusing when you are on it
4. So wherever the hell you are and whatever the hell you're doing, I hope it involves getting yourself back on here at some point, if only to see that I've banned your worthless, unfriendly ass!
5. ???
6. Somewhat overused in-joke!

--UU - natter 08:29, Aug 17

Oh he's off doing education n shit.    Orian57    Talk   08:54 17 August 2009

UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that just got hijacked by Woody and Ape. Mwhahahaha!

Date August 13th, 2009 • Issue 60 • Taking the News, Making it Better

UnSignpost Editor Disappears; UnSignpost Suffers Mysterious Drop in Quality By The Woodburninator August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy. Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again. In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door." Bastard. Uncyclopedian creates Trivia Bot, ruins everything By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer. EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points. Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent troll invasion of Yahoo! Answers. EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly. New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides By The Woodburninator In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.

Check out these pages! International fucking of sorts Wikipedia gets uglier! Racist apes demand equal pay From our logs: 14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.165.47.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?) 14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons) 15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds ‎ (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!) Biopic of the Week Perhaps the finest research analyst from Boston that Uncyclopedia has ever seen, Gerrycheevers is among one of the most awarded users on the site. He has performed the rare feat of capturing Every single major monthly Award this site has to offer, plus NotM too. Add that to his 21.5 features, the class and dignity with which he has won them all, and his constant efforts as the main editor of the UnSignpost, it would seem that the reign of Cheevers is just begining. That is if he ever gets back here. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do. VFD vote of the week "With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Roman Dog Bird 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC) Sannse Trivia (from UncycTrivia) Q: Sannse moved to San Francisco because she is a ______ (hint: it starts with an "L") A: Liberal Actually, now we need another box. Woody, you fucking idiot.

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9001(bot)  21:15, Aug 18

UnSignpost 20th August, it's not late, your mom is!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that WILL win Zombiebaron back, damn it.

Date August 20th, 2009 • Issue 61 • Where no news is normal news

Fantasy Football Draft Finished By Guildensternenstein After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight." The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment. New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void By The Woodburninator In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post. Well, that's not actually true. First he wrote a story trying to beg Zombiebaron to re-subscribe for the post. Then he actually looked at Zombiebaron's userpage to find out that he was actually leaving the site. Needless to say, the presses were called back, and more writing had to be done. Namely, this. Now, we at the post already know what you are thinking. But, since putting those things into print is outlawed in 36 states, two Canadian provinces, and all of Lithuania, we will instead reference the fact that there have been an awful lot of self-referencing in the UnSignpost lately. For that we are truly sorry. Also, we are sorry for self-referencing our own self-referencing. It is truly a problem that continues to build upon itself. We hope to soon continue with the top notch reporting that is so often found in our hallowed archives. Such as the time we wrote about Spang's village dump conquests, or the time we self-referenced how the UnSignpost's lovable mascot, "Dognewspaper" had not been in the Unsignpost for over nine months. Or that time we wrote about the Fantasy Football Draft being finished. Yes, all of those times were good. And we plan - nae, promise - to, in the very near future, continue bringing those kinds of articles to your doorstep. That is, if you don't mind finding a bit of drool upon it.	Check out these pages! Merging with Wikipedia? Certainly not! YOU ARE NOT THINKERER! The sausage fest just got more sausagey. From our logs: 12:30, 16 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.133.6.177 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking pages makes baby jesus cry. it also gets your ass banned. maybe one or the other of those things will convince you not to do it again) 10:55, 18 August 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 days ‎ (so you let me look like an ignorant baffoon for 18 days? What kind of SLA is that?) 11:02, 18 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 hours ‎ (it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. America happily let George Bush look like an ignorant buffoon for 2 terms of office, for example...) Biopic of the Week The man from straight out of Kiel, Germany, NaturalBornKieler has been a tremendous addition to Uncyclopedia since joining in June, 2007. While he has had no issues splitting his time between both Uncyclopedia, and the German Uncyclopedia, he has, for some reason, written 10 more features, and some 100 more articles for the German Uncyclopedia than for our beautiful English side. Still, it seems he has found his calling now, working in the big bureaucracy of the Foreign Office. NBK was unable to be reached for comment, as he was unable to get the proper approval from his superiors to be interviewed by a newspaper. Ahhhh. Bureaucracy at work. Old School Featured Article of the Week The War of 1812, also known as "The War Nobody Wanted to Name", was a ridiculously embarrassing conflict fought between the United States, Great Britain, Canada, and Antarctica. Everybody lost. Coping with adolescence and struggling to maintain its identity during the Napoleonic Wars, the United States looked to its mother country for guidance. But England, a single parent with a host of colonies to look after, had little time to spend with its gawky young child. Hoping to impose some sort of discipline over its increasingly sullen ward, England resorted to a 10 p.m. curfew. Old School Old School Box of the Week Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week Tact: Nah, it's not that I don't want to, understand. Mom just wants me to marry a pretty girl.
Judges Wanted! The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Modusoperandi is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now!
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9001(bot)  11:18, Aug 24

UnSignpost 4th September

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The newspaper that missed an issue and no-one even noticed.

Date September something-or-other, 2009 • Issue 63 • Nobody reads this bit anyway

Left alone to write the entire UnSignpost, Ape delivers sub-par, mostly self-referential issue By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays "What happened to the signpost?" was the question on literally nobody's lips this week, as Uncyclopedia's favourite newspaper which everyone loves to read but no-one can be bothered to write for took another step on the long slow descent to obscurity. Unfortunately Fortunately, Uncyclopedia's premier Ape-based entertainer, and occasional UnSignpost writer, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays heroically stepped into the breach to save the flagging newsrag from going the way of the dodo, the Irish Elk, and Mhaille's marriage. However, our intrepid hero, i.e. me, soon discovered the enormity of the task that lay ahead of him. Boxes had to be filled, interesting and thought-provoking forums had to be discovered and linked to, block logs had to be accessed and trawled for witty comments (unsuccessfully, as it turned out) and this article and presumably another one below it had to be written. "I never thought it could be this hard," Ape told himself, with sexual innuendo very much intended. "How did Gerrycheevers keep finding stuff to write about? There doesn't really seem to be much happening around here. I mean, I could start whoring my newest articles under the flimsy guise of self-referential irony, but that would be shit really. Who wants to see that? Nobody, that's who." However, in the absence of anything funny or clever to say, our hero, (who is gradually being revealed to be more of an anti-hero, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, except with no sense of style) proceeded to do exactly that, shamelessly whoring two articles (which, if anything, evince his decline as a comedy writer), eliciting a universal chorus of groans and boos from all who had the misfortune to read it. An appeal to the Uncyclopedia community By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Seriously guys, if you don't want any more shitty issues like this I'm going to need help, or else the signpost is going to die like all the other well-intentioned projects that nobody bothers with. What we need is: People to do interesting stuff that I can write about. People to contribute to the signpost. Fabulous prizes. Thank you for your time.

Check out these pages! Does anyone think we should fuck up Pee Review? Hyperbole fails to understand UN:N The FBI are pedos? From our logs: 23:23, September 1, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.81.7.211 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (THat FAG JUST WOULDN`T STOP SUCKING MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 13:08, September 1, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 131.6.84.110 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking a WCW article? do you know how much of a moron that flags you up as?) 08:32, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a minor existential crisis ‎ (wait, so we DON'T care about people's gay friends? but I thought that was the whole POINT. what's the use in anything any more? I'm so disillusioned) 09:13, September 2, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a debate ‎ (Are you gay then? You seem gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Unless you sleep with Orian. Do you? Are you gay then?) 09:26, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a riposte ‎ (no wai, im not ghey, ive had lodes and lodes of chix. ur just jelus bcos ur mum's ghey. and ur dad. yeah, you herd, their both teh gheyz!) 21:09, September 1, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.0.51.13 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (well fuck off then, wanker) Biopic of the Week Can't be fucked with this. Old School Featured Article of The Week Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution. It began as a civil rights case, as Kettle alleged that Pot "did not let [Kettle] work at the Pot's store solely for the color of [his] kitchenware". What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle. Nostalgia Box Remember when Gerry was here? Things were so much better back then.

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-- Soldat Teh PWNerator (pwnt!) 16:41, September 4, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Randomber 84th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The only newspaper that Codeine's mum has randomized

Date August 27th, 2009: THE RANDOM ISSUE • Issue 62 • Because the truth is not random enough

Random Headline By No one in particular == Summary == At 9:33 p.m., tires crystallized a holster. While exit sign was cogitating, an amv suddenly deliberated. Make your wife angry during sex: Phone her. Jerry Fallwell riots diet pill! Bishop pwns a carriage! PASTURE' HIGH WAGES'! For instance, giraffe pwns bendy straws! Did the king recollect... ... that this is why we can't have nice things? In other words, WohMi <insert name here> sensei rinsed of Never resting, never still. Moving silently from hill to hill. It does not walk, run or trot, All is cool where it is not. What is it? Argh! ballistic prototype zip gun frontal lobe trebuchet gay 3 3689 BC snail racing 0 surfing Kraid Coffee Republic 3618 AD. i am teh engry now!!!11!one Babe Ruth was a total Bitch! By The Woodburninator Look, I'm not saying he wasn't good at baseball! I'm not trying to destroy your great baseball heroes. But let's not kid ourselves here. Babe Ruth was a complete and total bitch. Come on. He couldn't catch the ball. And he whined at the umpires when people called him fat (even though he totally was). And he always talked about how much his feelings were hurt by people trying to buy him a beer. Signpost Has Gone Officially Bat fuck Insane By Bad Shroom Due to frequent lack of interest and excitement, this UnSignpost issue has now gone totally insa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Genital wart in the left politician! BOMB IRAN! HEIL CAJEK! Yu-Gi-Oh-inised. daggers.

Random articles of the week HowTo: Use the Random page button to your advantage in a newspaper Random logs: 19:51, September 3, 2009 TheLedBalloon blocked 91.106.217.157 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I agree, File:Deletion icon.svg is totally racist and should be deleted. Talk:Black People, on the other hand, I'm pretty much fine with.) 09:47, August 30, 2009 Mordillo protected "WP:HOTCAT" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (there, no more redlinks) (hist) 10:22, August 22, 2009 Thekillerfroggy blocked Miley Spears with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (pointlessly productive, dedicated user) Random Biopic of the Week The man, the myth, the user not many people really know. Random pipings was an active user way back in March 2006. Sure, he only had 46 edits. Sure, during his heyday in March, 2006 he only had 32 edits, which most of our more accomplished users can rack up in half an hour. And yes, only 3 of his 6 articles are still around, including the critically acclaimed Health. But, in spite of all that, he has a place in our great wiki here. Because even though he's not around, and his articles are not beloved, everyone can find a niche here, and that's exactly what Random pipings has done. I mean, how many other great men could have made a "Your mom", "Oscar Wilde", and "David Hasslehoff" joke in one fell swoop? Not many I say, and for that, Random pipings, we salute you. Here's to the little guy. Huzzah! #FD2D1D box Eat that, chumps! Random colour! Hahaha!

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Chiefly, please think of the Katie Sue broadswords! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 02:26, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Attention Colonizers!

The brief era of peace we've been enjoying has once again been shattered by the IP horde. And since those pot smoking, tree hugging liberal faggots repealed the draft the IC forces are stuck with the likes of you. You are therefore ordered to report to the front lines at once for briefing. Once we have decided our plan of attack, we'll march into battle post haste. You're dismissed SysRq. -OptyC Sucks! CUN20:18, 11 Sep

Ah the British and their friendly bigotry.    Orian57    Talk   20:21 11 September 2009

UnSignpost September 10/17

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.

Date September 17th, 2009 • Issue 64 • Consistently Declining Readership Since 2008!

Uncyclopedians Continue Hostile Takeover of Wikimedia By Bad Shroom This week, noted user Electrified mocha chinchilla got a short but somewhat hostile reply from the lackluster Wikimedia Foundation. After telling truths to the company such as taking control over Wikipedia and how Uncyclopedia is 104% fact, a Wikipedia Foundation employee under the subtle disguise "Philippe XXXXXX" replied in a manner that was both honorable and robust. Confounded by the foundation's kindness, e|m|c quickly replied with a rebuttal seeming more like a terrorist threat like a thank-you note. Even though Uncyclopedia has not managed to even get off Wikia's back, some users have a bright, world domination-esque outlook to the future. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein Week One of the UFFL season was full of thrills, spills, birth control pills, and shitty rhymes. The John Curry All-Stars bested The Oklahoma City Storm 93.08 – 74.54 after a sub-par performance from offensive giants Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Turner on the Storm side, not to mention the controversial decision to sit starting quarterback and country singer enthusiast Tony Romo. The appropriately-named Dudes edged Cheddar’s Doritians 98.42 – 96.06, despite the fact that Dudes manager Frank Zappa was high the entirety of the game. Injuries to key Doritian players Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson made the loss extra-hard to swallow. The not-so-domestic Domestic Team Name blew out DiBiase’s Millions 112.82 – 67.16—a loss which caused Millions’ manager Woody Onfire to question the not-sucking-ness of his team publicly. Finally, Sternensteinenstine annihilated the ironically-named Winnerz 123.92 – 0.00 after Winnerz manager Al Davis forgot to edit his team’s starting roster for the week. The lop-sided German victory was aided by a career day from Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees and round-the-clock Luftwaffe air cover in conjunction with concentrated armored thrusts at the enemy’s flanks. Lead Editor Returns to UnSignpost Office, Demands to Know Whereabouts of Bundt Cake By Gerrycheevers This week Active Lead UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers stumbled back onto the Uncyclopedia scene amid much celebration and hooplah. While settling down to his usual routine of getting UnSignpost issues polished off stylishly late, he noticed that his office at the UnSignpost wing of Uncyclopedia had been raided, and his delicious bundt cake had been mercilessly stolen. Gerry immediately declared a halt to the UnSignpost presses, which involved Sockpuppet of an unregistered user using several pints of holy water and a rubber chicken, in order to plea for the safe return of his tasty cake. Please, mystery pastry thief, don't leave Mr. Cheevers cakeless and hungry!

Check out these pages! Village Dump becomes worship house for John Stamos Most Inappropriate Smackdown on a Serious Topic Ever* Kanye West sucks cock From our logs: 08:15, September 11, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Klauston (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(well now, it seems I CAN be assed to ban page blanking fucktards. who'd'a thunk it?) 15:45, September 14, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.246.126.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blanker: Go blank yourself! Hah! Do you see what I did there? I'm a font of wit.) 23:08, September 17, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.51.144.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Hades was a giant homo who got his shit owned by Hercules, and the only thing you and he will ever have in common is your colossal failure.) Biopic of the Week Since emerging violently from the brain cavity of ThomasPynchonsLeftNut, the quick-witted and devilishly handsome GlobalTourniquet has made quite a name for himself on this silly wiki. With a Writer of the Month victory in July, GT's expert songwriting, strong way with prose, and status as a film connoisseur make him a solid addition to the Uncyc workforce. Old School Featured Article of the Week Humosexuals are individuals who compulsively tell jokes in an effort to engage in the physical act of love. Oftentimes the subject of scorn and the object of violent hunting games in Medieval England, humosexuals have begun to make a name for themselves in contemporary society. Benny Hill (pictured) was perhaps the most famous humosexual, as his antics involving the combination of small vegetables, projectile physics, and the cleavage of buxom females were well recorded. Gerry's Thumbs Up of the Week I'd like to recognize The Woodburninator, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays, Guildensternenstein, and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user for feeding my pet rabbit, Alpheratz, during my unexplained absence. Also I suppose they should mention their efforts in keeping the UnSignpost afloat during that same time period, but this box is mostly in recognition of bunny maintenance.

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This would've gotten here last week, but it's my firs week as paperboy and I got lost. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 23:42, September 22, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: September 24th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Just like Grandma used to make!

September 24th, 2009 • Issue 65 • The Newspaper that Oscar Wilde Might Read Were He Still Among the Living

UnSignpost Subscriber List Trimmed; Remaining Subscribers Urged to Archive Issues, Settle Outstanding Bills, Refrain from Tipping Paperbots By Gerrycheevers This week, the hideously long UnSignpost subscription list was hacked down even further than The Woodburninator and others apparently hacked it down several months ago. This has resulted in a mass decline in the number of useless edits performed by paperbots and brave, bored souls who have nothing better to do than manually edit dozens of userpages on a weekly basis. The dregs that were cast off included those who have not registered an edit in six months, those who are permanently banned or close to it, and those with large, scary dogs that prevent paperbots from completing their routes unchewed. The remaining faithful readers are asked to archive their talk pages if they are excessively long due to many hilarious editions of the UnSignpost, as paperbots are slowed down by the large load times of such pages, and paper-delivering users are likely to be distracted by uproarious back issues. Subscribers are also reminded that the monthly fee for talkpage delivery is seven Uncyclopedia credits. Extremely outdated Uncyclopedia currency, such as Yoinxx, will be subject to exceedingly unfair conversion rates. On a final note, readers are implored to avoid tipping paperbots, as it seems any sort of regular income tends to give robots inklings of sentience, and the last thing we need is Fnoodle organizing the paperbots into a rudimentary union again. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein It was another exciting week of UFFL action this past Sunday, with 75% of the league’s games qualifying as “blowouts.” Sternensteinenstine bested DiBiase’s Millions 161.54 to 78.94, with the one-two Nazi punch of Drew Brees and Chris Johnson outscoring their helpless opponents alone. The John Curry All Stars had similar success with the Philip Rivers-Marques Colston-Frank Gore combination, and knocked out Cheddar’s Doritians 123.74 to 71.64 in the fourth round. The bout between Domestic Team Name and Oklahoma City Storm went the distance, with Domestic “Team” Name coming away with the split decision 78.14 to 77.28. Finally, Frankreich “The Dude” Zappino demolished his opponent 126.42 to 0.00 in a spectacular first round knockout due to the fact that LL was once again unable to select his starting roster. Standings: Sternensteinenstienenstern (2-0) The Stoners (2-0) John Curry’s Angles (2-0) Domestic Violence (2-0) Sun Chips (0-2) Oklahoma City Bombing (0-2) DeGrasse Goes to Vegas (0-2) The Loserz (0-2)

Check out these pages! The Pay-Per-View Event of the Fortnight! Here. Have a page with so many pictures, it takes forever to load. You're welcome. Urination, small furry rodents, and why Modus has another court date Tuesday. From our logs: 16:19, September 20, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.235.107.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Stop being a pain in my tender place) 18:52, September 21, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Arse bandit (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(Your ban time is six months. I'll give you 10 dollars if you can hold your breath the entire time.) 14:53, September 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.17.99.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(oi, no blanking, no stupid redirecting, no crappy pages about people we don't care about, and no ugly nerds. you fail on all counts.) 11:57, September 24, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Abdul321 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Lebanon is a little Kiosk between Israel and Syria. Get over it.) Biopic of the Week Bouncing back and forth between Uncyclopedia and Illogicopedia has been Hindleyite's specialty for some time now. With his in-depth reports on traffic laws, street crime, and sports officiating video games, this banana-eating ite from Hindley is sure to keep Uncyclopedians on their toes for a long time to come. Old School Featured Article of the Week Henchmen are an essential part of any mastermind super-villian's overall business portfolio. Generally, success in plans of world domination, protagonist death, and damsel distress have success ratios directly correlated to the number, competence, and, to a lesser extent, wardrobe snappiness of a bad guy's henchmen. Pointless Nostalgia of the Week We miss when Cajek and Skull would write for the UnSignpost. Those 4+ issues they churned out were golden. You'd be reading and then - all of a sudden - WHAM, a joke would hit you, and Cajek would be all like, "oh my god, it was so dark, and i didn't see him, and he just jumped out in front of me!" Really Small Box That Takes Up Just Enough Space To Even Out Both Sides of This Issue of the UnSignpost of the Week, Because Symmetry Looks Nice Believe it or not, the one above this one.

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Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 16:04, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost: October 1st, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

October 1st, 2009 • Issue 66• Now With 40% More Pictures of Cats with Humorous Captions!

Users Turn to PLS to Rescue Uncyclopedia from Decay, Doom, Worstness By Gerrycheevers The Eighth Semi-Annual Poo Lit Surprise Writing Competition & Brownie Bake-Off begins this Monday, October 5th when Olipro emerges from his house. If he is frightened by his shadow, writers are required to send him love letters; otherwise, writers have two weeks to squeeze all of the humor they can out of their mostly insignificant humor glands. This year's categories include Best Article, Best Illustrated Article, Best Kanye Joke, and Best Rewrite. The list of judges includes both esteemed Uncyclopedia veterans and former PLS winners; they will be sequestered in a two-star hotel for the duration of the competition in order to ensure the most convenient environment for receiving bribes. This year's PLS Master of Ceremonies and Executive in Charge of Parking, Modusoperandi, humbly expressed optimism when asked about the quality of this installment: "This Poo Lit will be the Greatest PLS ever," said Mr. Operandi exclusively. "Anyone who says otherwise is as much of a liar as they are dumb, and they are plenty dumb. Ergo, they are also plenty liar. That made more sense in my head." Other users, who wished to remain anonymous since they regularly read the unflattering commentary often associated with being quoted in the UnSignpost, expressed hope that the PLS would revive the life-support-laden VFH and also stimulate the lagging Uncyclopedia economy. Users Agree: 'Uncyclopedia is the Boringest' By Gerrycheevers This week, Uncyclopedia users denounced the recent lack of activity on the wiki. Necropaxx initiated the conversation, noting that activity on VFH, similar to the pants of the 'hip' crowd, has dropped to unacceptably low levels. Other users have responded, and the general consensus does indeed seem to be that overall, the site's quality has dropped below acceptable levels. Not since June '07, November '07, February '08, August '08, December '08, March '09, and May '09 has Uncyclopedia seen such a blatant claim that the entire website will imminently burst into a ball of some sort, with 'flame' being the most likely sort of ball. Trusted UnSignpost undercover investigative reporter, DogNewspaper (pictured), infiltrated one such group of doom-saying users in order to obtain some first-hand declarations of the impending death throes of the wiki. "Yeah, with the number of quality articles readily available, I'd give Uncyclopedia two months at the most until it is absorbed into another humor website," said one user. Further commentary from this group of users was unavailable, as undercover investigative reporter DogNewspaper's cover was at this point compromised, as his unwavering loyalty to Uncyclopedia caused him to seize the infidel user's lower leg in his mouth and shake his head viciously. Please stay with the UnSignpost for up-to-the-week coverage of the impending(?) death of Uncyclopedia.

Check out these pages! Features and Self-Loathing on Uncyclopedia An all-time Uncyclopedia mystery explained in agonzing detail Get your monthly dose of religious oppression! From our logs: 17:54, September 27, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.233.10.123 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Under Uncyclopedia emergency act (1976) I hereby revoke your editing priveleges) 20:55, September 27, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.166.95.119 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (only two kinds blank Texas: steers and queers. and steers find it hard to use the internet so I guess that narrows things down a little, doesn't it?) 21:42, September 29, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 91.203.96.48 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(Hates me for some reason. Even though I happen to be the nicest man who ever lived. It's true, ask Richard Nixon.) Biopic of the Week Since exploding onto the Uncyclopedia scene in 2007, MacMania has developed into a fine-tuned humor machine. His recent writing endeavors have earned him a Writer of the Month nod, and as such, he is certainly a user worthy of biopication. His current sabbatical makes UnSignpost editors sad, but perhaps a constant spamming of his userpage with pleas to return will accelerate his comeback. UnSignpost readers, away! Old School Featured Article I Can't Believe it's Not Murder is the preferred alternative of first degree murder that celebrities, famous sports stars, politicians, and otherwise prominent individuals take advantage of in courts of law. It is similar to being found guilty of first degree murder, though this version avoids the undesirable consequences such as jail time, fines, probation, and the unsightly community service. Random Thought of the Week Dippin' Dots have been the ice cream of the future for like ten years. Shouldn't they be the ice cream of the present by now?

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Late deliver courtesy of MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:08, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

Dude

Where the feck are you? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:11, 10 October 2009

He's off fecking women in college. That takes up most of his fecking time. His regular time, too. Where the Wild Colins Are - LET THE WILD RUMPUS START! 22:13, October 10, 2009 (UTC)

What a fecker. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:18, 10 October 2009

You might have a small cock, but mines smaller.    Orian57    Talk   23:14 10 October 2009

World's Best Friend Award

On User:SysRq/World's Best Friend Award it says you only need to meet one of the qualifications to qualify. Is this incorrect? King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  22:59, October 12, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Sometime October 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

October 8th, 2009 • Issue 67• Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.

The End is Nigh... Once Again By The Sockinator Yes, it's that time of the year again. Despite the hopes of many, Poo Lit Surprise did not instantly revive Uncyclopedia. We are doomed! DOOMED! But how did the great Uncyclopedia become such a wasteland, one may ask. It's all a big conspiracy, I tell you! All perpetrated by a mysterious figure, known only by the initials R.L. Perseveringly, this entity has claimed the lives of various Uncyclopedians, among them such users as SysRq, Cajek, YesTimeToEdit, Siddhartha-Wolf and most recently it seems R.L. has even gotten its grips on our own UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers. When confronted with the issue, noted favourite Jew and Zionist ruler Mordillo barely managed to exclusively tell us the following "I tell you Socky, I'd be happy to comment about our IMPENDING DOOM but I'm too busy packing. Another time maybe? HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! EASY WITH THE VASE! THAT'S FRAGILE! Sorry Sock, gotta scram, the movers are breaking my stuff. NO! DROP THAT BAN HAMMER! DROP IT I SAID!" Expert in things that suck (no pun intended), Optimuschris, was quoted saying "Uncyclopedia hasn't been cool since 08. Ban 09's." In conclusion, UN:N. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein The previous two weeks of the UFFL action have been filled with more intrigue than a mediocre James Bond movie. Two touchdownless games by Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees cost Sternensteinenstine a win Week 3, though the team rebounded Week 4 and currently holds a solid second-place standing in the hyper-competitive UFFL. A resurgent Tom Brady and a balanced roster has led Domestic Team Name to two wins over the same period, as well as an unblemished 4-0 record. The Dudes’ neglect to change their starting roster cost them a win in Week 4, knocking the former top dogs down to a less-than-remarkable 4th place. The John Curry All-Stars have been hampered by the loss of Frank Gore, and lost last week to a rejuvenated Dibiase’s Millions that were led by a solid Aaron Rodgers-Matt Forte NFC North attack. A soft schedule has helped Oklahoma City Storm to a respectable 2-2 record, while the winless Doritians continue to struggle. Finally, The Winnerz put up mounds of points as Peyton Manning passed his way to his fourth consecutive 300-yard game…or at least would have if The Winnerz could figure out how to log in to Yahoo! and edit their roster. In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine and the John Curry All-Stars will have to overcome bye weeks for both their starting quarterbacks to maintain their positions near the top of the league as they face off; Oklahoma City Storm looks to earn an easy win against a bye-week-ravaged Dibiase’s Millions; The Dudes seek redemption as they attempt to reclaim their No. 1 position against the undefeated Domestic Team Name; and the league’s bottom-dwelling, shit-eating, dog-fucking last-placers The Winnerz and Cheddar’s Doritians both search for their first wins of the season. Standings: Domestic Team Name (4-0) Sternensteinenstine (3-1) John Curry All-Stars (3-1) The Dudes (3-1) Oklahoma City Storm (2-2) Dibiase’s Millions (1-3) Cheddar’s Doritians (0-4) The Winnerz (0-4)

Whatever you do, don't check out these pages! Polls, sexiness, and advertisements Terrifying stories of the one-armed man! Pointless numbers From our logs: 08:02, October 5, 2009 Under user blocked RAHB with an expiry time of 123 seconds ‎ (surprising me by returning like that: my doctor says surprises are bad for other people's hearts - because every time I get surprised, I eat someone's heart.) 10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB blocked Dwarfman1122 with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.) 04:46, October 11, 2009 Modusoperandi blocked 75.47.155.133 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I'd give you a longer ban, but you were only picking on Roman Dog Bird) Biopic of the Week The sentient computer HAL 9000, while having only very few contributions on Uncyclopedia—and of a rather questionable nature at that, if I may add—has recently risen to Uncyc fame in what can only be described as one big conspiracy. In response to a question asked by one of our reporters, HAL answered "Let me put it this way, Mr. Sockinator. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error." In 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL proved to be a computer very much capable of homicidal acts. Until recently, Uncyclopedia had been successful in evading HAL's detection. Yesterday night however, HAL hacked our beloved Main Page and transformed the wiki into HALopedia. HAL was confronted with many bewildered users to whom he proclaimed "I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over." Our experts are still trying to find out how the feck HAL was able to find this place. Though MrN9000 probably had nothing to do with it. For more information, tune in next week. Same un-time, same un-signpost! Random Cajek sighting of the Week Yea, verily, he did come unto us and delivereth a new article. Then he updatedeth his userpage, and fuckethed offeth again. These are enlightened times, my friends! Random Thought of The Week Remember when Uncyclopedia was full of vanity and Pokemon? Wait, it still is. Emergency of the Week Well, lots of things go wrong in Uncyclopedia. It's a simple fact of life. And this week, believe it or not, dear reader, this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make the cut! But do not despair, dear reader, because you can help! Just post any suggestions in the Press Room, and with your help, we can overcome this crisis!

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9001(bot)  01:27, Oct 16

UnSignpost 22nd 23rd October 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11

October 22nd, 2009 • Issue 68 • Semi-endorsed by Journalism Union #448

Invisible UnSignpost Issue Confuses, Annoys Readers By Gerrycheevers As a gag/publicity stunt/desperate cry for attention, last week's edition of Uncyclopedia's most beloved and 3rd most cherished newspaper, the UnSignpost, was rendered invisible before being delivered. After the issue was wrapped up, UnSignpost contributing editors Dexter111344 and Socky used their inherent superpowers or something to cause the issue to not appear on user's talk pages when delivered. In addition, further enhancements rendered each user's talk page history to not be altered upon delivery, thus completely erasing any evidence that the issue was delivered or even existed at any point. Feedback thus far has been overwhelmingly negative, with angry subscribers sending death threats and exploding telegrams to the UnSignpost office for the past four days. UnSignpost Executive in Charge of Sniffing Mail, Dognewspaper (pictured), luckily suffered only minor burns and a singed tail. The UnSignpost staff would like to formally apologize to its readers, and assure them that each subsequent issue will be at least partly visible. Poo Lit Report By Electrified mocha chinchilla After giving the writers time to work on their pieces, and Modus taking time enjoying the disqualification of entries for failing the mandatory steroids screening, the 8nd Edition of the Poo Lit Surprise is in its final stages – judging. This is the time where writers who entered play with their genitals out of anxiety and nervousness, and attempt to bribe the judges with sexual favors and pie. This PLS saw a great number of entries in the Best Alternate Namespace Article. The reasoning for this, some believe, is that everyone is utterly bat fuck insane and forgot how to write regular namespace articles. Despite being held just prior to the Turkey Day Ball and Conservation Week, the turn-out was overall not bad; Modus' corporate-funded campaign for the PLS is primarily to blame for this. Speaking of corporate funding, it was indicated that there will be prize money for this edition of the PLS despite Wikia's refusal to hook a brotha' up. All irrevocable blame for Wikia's unfortunate decision has been directed at Sannse for good reason. UPDATE Winners have been announced; congratulations to all of them. According to Modusoperandi, the next PLS is expected to be held, "When the next guy remembers it's late." Fantasy Football Update By Guildensternenstein Things are really heating up in the UFFL as midseason nears, and Week Six’s storylines were of upset, domination, and redemption. Led by Tom Brady, the always-solid New England Patriots Domestic Team Name blew out the hapless Tennessee Titans Winnerz by an insane 109.38 to 0 after choking down a hard loss the previous week. The ironically-named Winnerz, on the other hand, still have yet to win a game. After a lackluster showing last week, The John Curry All-Stars earned a solid win against The Dudes, unseating them of their erstwhile #1 ranking in the process. After starting the season 0-4, Cheddar’s Doritians earned their second consecutive win, albeit against the floundering Dibiase’s Millions. Finally, Sternensteinenstine resoundingly defeated Oklahoma City Storm 164.06 to 118.98 after a lackluster showing the previous week, catapulting the Nazi-run team back atop the UFFL standings. In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine looks to stay atop the UFFL rankings against a resurgent Cheddar’s Doritians, Domestic Team Name looks to retake the #1 spot against a very solid John Curry All-Stars, Oklahoma City Storm and The Dudes face off, and the bottom-dwelling dog-fucking last-placers Dibiase’s Millions and The Winnerz will look to see which one of them is shittier. Standings: Sternensteinenstine (5-1) Domestic Team Name (5-1) The Dudes (4-2) John Curry All-Stars (4-2) Oklahoma City Storm (3-3) Cheddar’s Doritians (2-4) Dibiase’s Millions (1-5) The Winnerz (0-6) IT'S OVER 25,000!!! Maybe. By Electrified mocha chinchilla Uncyclopedia just might make the mark of 25,000 articles. Sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Surely it's yet another milestone that only puts us that much more ahead of Wikipedia, Conservapedia, and Das Kapital combined in content. However, thoughts from the rest of the community on what this means for our beloved wiki have been varyingly expressed as joyous, apathetic, dismal, and downright nonsensical. "But even with 25,000 articles, we're still 65,000 short of being strong enough to fight Captain Ginyu," says the attractive Guildensternenstein as we stop him on his way to Planet Namek. Others offer real conversation of a possible reskin and doubts that the mark will actually be reached with Forest Fire Week probably happening sometime. Maybe. Discussion started by an attention whore in Miniluv over the Welcoming Committee and their welcoming template(s) has sparked the particular attention of many Uncyclopedians, most of whom by their own admission have never read the welcoming template, HTBFANJS, BGBU, any of the other things the welcome template advises new users to read, or have heard of Uncyclopedia. The recent round of QQ'ing and debating over the alleged poor quality of Uncyclopedia, as highlighted in the last edition's piece about the end being nigh and a Poo Lit Surprise nomination, can come to a close. It is this writer's observation that Uncyclopedia is the worst because nobody cares about editing guides which make confusing acronyms. Obvious correlation is obvious. On our final stop in our stroll through the Village Dump, to your left you will see that a n00b was just kidding, jeez, and to your right you will see that Rockstar Games reads Uncyclopedia. In the former, users urge the poor fellow to read HTBFANJS and BGBU (the same ones that they probably haven't read). If anything is to be drawn from this, it is that true editing comes from within. Or something.

Check out these pages! Uncyclopedia:Worst or Not? The Debate Rages On Free Advertisement for Jumping Ship Spreading the Good Word About New Articles From our logs: 23:04, October 9, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.90.32.102 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.) 10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Dwarfman1122 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.) 18:27, October 13, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.245.120.78 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(Please enjoy our token Fuck the Hell Off.....) 08:10, October 15, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sudeepk9 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (wow, we are a beacon of sunshine today, aren't we?) 21:27, October 17, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(A wizard did this.) 17:36, October 19, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 72.93.168.203 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Liking Naruto and insisting we stop making fun of it. What? How is that not a reason to permanently ban someone?) Biopic of the Week Sog1970 has churned out a dozen featured articles in just a few short months, earning him a Writer of the Month nod and now, the most esteemed honor on Uncyclopedia, an UnSignpost biopic. The lack of information on his user page makes writing said biopic rather difficult, but let it be known that Sog radiates awesome. Old School Featured Article of the Week Life's Answerable Questions are a series of ponderances and queriums that have most certainly not chafed at mankind the way other, more disgustingly unanswerable questions have. For example, asking "What's new?" to a stranger will certainly elicit a less confused response than one of those other questions. You know the ones we mean. CAJEKWATCH 05:42, October 15, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 minutes ‎(Because I saw you existing.) 01:23, October 16, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎(HOLY SHIT IT'S CAJEK HI CAJEK PS BANBANBAN LOLOLOL) 13:21, October 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 147 seconds ‎(I think I'm stressed, I need a release, and this is the best available on this wiki) Random Obscene Japanese Lesson "Kimi no te de boku o ikasete." means "Make me cum with your hand." "Kimi no oppai ga DEKAI yo! Ii nee." means "Your breasts are HUGE! Nice." "Omawarisan! Chikan o tsuka-mate!" means "Police! Arrest this pervert!" That should keep you little squirts happy... Reason to Leave Uncyc #387 Still no good restaurants. This Week in Uncyc, 1933 With the United States deep in a depression, the Uncyclopedia tri-weekly newsreel tried to lighten the mood by poking fun at American President Herbert Hoover and his bumbling sidekick of a Vice President, the famed Charles Curtis. Gags included, and were limited to, both individuals being hit repeatedly with rubber chickens. Mass Delusion of the Week Last week, many users claim to have had similar psychic visions of an alternate Main Page, which told them to do things in a calm, soothing voice. Such notions are of course nonsense; 7 out of the 10 members who sit on the Uncyclopedia Paranormal Activity Investigation and Acupuncture Licensing Board agree that a combination of swamp gas and Venus caused some users to hallucinate vividly, some nearly to the point of seizure. Record for Most Boxes Tied Due to the overwhelmingly large number of stories in this week's extremely humorous edition of the UnSignpost, a correspondingly overwhelmingly large number of space-wasting side boxes had to be added to cause the issue to weigh equally on both sides of reader's talk pages. As a result, the record for number of such boxes has been tied; this issue, along with the March 24th, 1983 edition, have had the most wasted space! Record Broken!!!

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9001(bot)  18:20, Oct 23

UnSignpost 29-10-2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

October 29th, 2009 • Issue 69 • Hehehe, 69

9001(bot)  01:43, Nov 3

Faggot.

I've been commissioned by Mooshy to rerererevitalize IC. I'm to be the glorious leader, etc. because Sissy, Gerry, and Opty have all fucked off. So, I have a few general ideas to start with on what to do. First of all, no fucking infighting. What's said by the authority figures goes. This is Imperial Colonization, not Imperial United States Congress. Second, there should be more of a limit on articles for nomination. Somewhere between 5 and 10. We'll never get to all 17 that are up there if people's votes are so scattered. Third, an active recruiting drive. It fits the name. We're going to draft Satirical Soldiers to deal with the bloody natives at those shit articles on IC. This said, I still want to hear all of your opinions on what to do. Either drop me a line on my talk page, or I'm on IRC damn near all day very weekday. So lets get going, Colonizers! Where the Wild Colins Are - LET THE WILD RUMPUS START! 17:02, November 11, 2009 (UTC)

Anon.

/me runs in shouts an obscure in-joke and runs out again. - [19:01 12 November 2009] PlebYettie

Both of you are not Thinkerer. --Pleb SYNDROME _{CUN medicate (butt poop!!!!)} 22:05, December 3, 2009 (UTC)

:D

<3 FUCK YEAH I AM SO PUNK ROCK! 23:13, December 11, 2009 (UTC)

YOU BIG FAGGOT I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE!

<3 -OptyC Sucks! CUN23:14, 11 Dec

Same as above

But with an image:

Gay, isn't it? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:23, 11 December 2009

UnSignpost Delivery! - December something!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that took a long enough vacation to make former President Bush jealous.

December 17^th, 2009• Issue 70 • Fuck You! I Felt Like It!

UnSignpost and random editor return from two month break, find that not much has changed By THEDUDEMAN After 2 months, one would think that things would change. But from the looks of it, nothing really has for Uncyclopedia in the past few months with out UnSignpost. In particular, the problems in caring, changing things, doing other things and caring have gone from the problems of two months ago, to the problems of now, with nothing really changing. The causes of these problems, discovered after much digging through archives seems to be the general Nobody cares aditude of the site, and the general populations inability to really change anything, because they don't care. A random user who had been missing since around the last issue of UnSignpost made this comment. "Well, when I left, uncyc had been having its own problems and everyone had been complaining about the same things for some time and nobody really cared enough to do anything, or just couldn't make anything happen." says THEDUDEMAN, who had been missing since late September. "I thought I'd come back and see what was happening in the world of Uncyclopedia, and by the looks of it, nothing has changed" While the general population of Uncyclopedia has been alerted to these aging problems, nobody has raised any fuss to get any of them solved. It seems nothing will ever happen because as they all say, nobody cares. UU notices return of USP, hijacks article for own nefarious ends By UU Yeah, that title pretty much gives it away - evil admin UU has hijacked this section of the USP to announce two festive initiatives: the Mince Pie contest, and the Ban Parto-ho-ho-l, both of which are to be found on his userpage. So if you think you can eat more mince pies this Christmas than UU or current runaway leader Barry Gibb of Bee Gees fame, or if you want to request a friendly festive joke ban for one of your Uncyc chums, get yourselves across to the most festive userpage on the wiki! YOU ARE ALL LAZY TALLYWHACKERS! An Editorial. By The Woodburninator Alright you lazy sons of bitches (no offense to Zana, of course), what in the hell have you been doing these last few months? Gerry takes time away from this awful place for, like 3 months, and no one is able to do a single UnSignpost? Not once. SINCE OCTOBER! Have we as a community forgotten the fine, upstanding tradition that this here barely read online journal has kept going since May of 2008? It is time for a little history lesson boys and girls (No offense to Zombiebaron, of course). The Post was started by Cajek and Skully in May of 2008. That's really as far as I got with my research though, so I guess your history lesson is over. Regardless, how many amazing stories have been broken from the fine investigative journaling over the years? Like the time we broke the story that the UnSignpost was starting up. Or the time we told everyone Spang's talkpage was destroying the Wikia servers. A problem that still haunts us today. Without this venerable post, those stories never would have been unleashed upon the moronic and ignorant public that includes you, who are both a moron and ignorant. We need this thing to bring us the news, and make us laugh. We need this thing for the sake of parody. But, above anything else, we need this post in order to waste Dexter's time when he's forced to deliver them. Have you seen his edits around here over the past few weeks? That guy's getting to be WAY too useful, and if we don't stop him now, who knows what he'll do next. Fix VFH? Win Last person to edit wins? Nip this in the bud Uncyc. Nip this in the fucking bud.

Check out these pages! A Caption Contest... or something... Some sort of war of templates? WTF? Shit like this still going on... Really? From our logs: 19:53, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked Bobbinator with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (end of the line, fuckwit. I'm going to track down your IP address and report it to the abuse department of your ISP. run and hide motherfucker, run and hide.) 16:56, December 15, 2009 Under user blocked 209.175.13.46 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (oy, fuck off. no blanking, no cyberbullying, and NO personal details like phone numbers. GTFO.) 13:20, December 15, 2009 Mordillo blocked 199.43.172.254 with an expiry time of infinite ‎ ("199.43.172.254, causing trouble since 2005") BIOPIC OF THE WEEK AH, WHAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT THEDUDEMAN? THE GUY EXHUDES DUDLINESS AT ALL TIMES DURING HIS TIME HERE. HE WON UNCYCLOPEDIAN OF THE MONTH IN AUGUST OF 2009. HE WON A PLS WHEN HE RE-WROTE DUDE, AN ARTICLE THAT LATER GOT FEATURED, AND FROM WHICH HE TAKES HIS NAMESAKE. HE HALFHEARTEDLY EVEN TRIED TO START THIS EDITION. HAS HE DONE OTHER THINGS THAT ARE COOL, NOTEWORTHY, AND I SHOULD BE TELLING YOU ABOUT? PROBABLY. BUT RESEARCHING ANY OF THAT WOULD FORCE ME TO GO ONTO HIS USERPAGE, AND SINCE I AM AT WORK, I AM UNABLE TO ACTUALY DO THAT. INSTEAD I'LL JUST STICK TO THE ALL CAPS GIMMICK IN A COY TIE-IN TO HIS NAME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEDUDEMAN. Quote of the Week <zim_ulator> no penis involved here LadyCS has left #uncyclopedia <DrSkullthumper> You just lost LadyCS's interest Old School Featured Article of the Week MonthTri-Month Let Someone Else Do It tm is every intelligent person's philosophy of life. There are plenty of things that if we stop doing them for a long enough time, some other sucker with less patience and a greater sense of responsibility will do them instead. This is an established law of our social reality, and it is our obligation to uphold it. VFD Keep vote of the week. Keep The less use something is, the more I identify with it. mAttlobster. (hello) 22:41, December 28, 2009 (UTC)

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Late deliver courtesy of MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:48, December 29, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost January several-days-ago^th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

Jan 14th, 2010 • Issue71 • Keeping You Guessing

Uncyclopedia Voting Season Arrives, Users Driven To Voting Frenzy By UU 'Tis the season to abstain with extreme prejudice! Yes, every anal-retentive voting obsessive's favourite time of the year has arrived: January marks the point of the year when the awards for the best things of the previous year are voted on! If that's not an oxymoron on a site that is acknowledged to be the worst, of course. This poll-packed month sees WotY, UotY and PotY join (deep breath) WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP as forums for people to air their opinions, prejudices, minor rivalries and petty jealousies. And as if this wasn't enough voting-related thrills 'n' spills, when the Top 10 articles of December 2009 have been decided, there'll be the Top 10 articles of 2009 proper to vote for! UnSignpost's fearless reporter and mascot DogNewspaper (pictured) predicts a bumper month for whoring, in-fighting, backstabbing and bitching as users scramble to secure themselves a fleeting moment's recognition from up to several of their peers. Followed by next to no voting in February, as everyone recovers. From the desk of the Cabal: 2010 ordered to be Drama free By The Cabal As Uncyclopedia drunkenly stumbles into the new decade, barely managing to hold down that spicy dinner it had for lunch, the non-existent cabal would like to wish all residents a happy new year. And by wish we mean order, residents would be subjects and by happy new year we mean fuck you all where communism hasn't failed yet. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we saw it all in 2009. We saw dozens of forums declaring that we're the worst (which we know), we saw numerous editors leave the front door open on the way out (come on people! it's bloody -7 outside!), we saw epic banninations (the simple joys of life), we saw prolific gay bashing (ideologically pure of course), we saw religious wars over sausages, we saw the worst 100 reflections of 2009 barely close before the midnight of December 31st. You promised in 2008 you wouldn't do that. You failed us. And so, ladies and gentlemen, we raise our collective arses from the toilet which was 2009, wiping it with the first anniversary edition of the UnSignpost, as this is the only good thing that ever came out of this rag of a newspaper. We would like to ask humbly that the population of Uncyclopedia do the following: Please, for the love of Sophia, remain calm; exit the building in an orderly fashion; remember that objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are; understand that allergen traces may be found in this Uncyclopedia. And always remember the prime directive: you are here to have fun. Or in short - shut the fuck up and go write an article. Thank you for your undivided attention citizens. You may now remove your muzzles.

Check out these pages! Now you have no excuse Pretend people care what you like It makes as much sense as Scientology, I suppose From our logs: 09:22, 12 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 64.40.243.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ("raccist"? what's that, prejudiced against raccoons?) 03:33, 12 January 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.101.196.155 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (lol i'm astral projecting an image of two gay guys having sex into your mind or something) 19:06, 6 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.64.230.79 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Nigger to you too, sir.) 19:05, 5 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked JeChr (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Jesus is dead. He's not coming back.) 23:05, 3 January 2010 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.217.57.240 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.) Biopic of the Week Prowling the corridors of pee review with a light step but a heavy hand, ChiefjusticeDS is Uncyc's reigning king of the golden river. He's reviewed more articles than most Uncyclopedians have read. In their entire lives. And he keeps a benevolent eye on everyone else, making sure there's no stale pee in the pond. If you've had a good review in the last year or so, he probably had a hand in that somewhere. Doff your cap and move on. Old-School Featured Article of the Week HowTo:Run away from home is a guide to every early teenager's ultimate weapon in the never-ending battle with the forces of evil as represented by their parents. Written by Alksub - who most of our readership won't remember - this is exactly what to do next time your parents don't let you stay out late to meet that nice-sounding kid you met over MSN who seemed very keen to hook up and get to know you better! Trend of the Year (so far) Username changing. Username a little short? Lengthen it for no good reason! All the cool kids are doing it, apparently.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

I swore I'd never hand-deliver this again. Here it is. Also, will we ever see your like again? --UU - natter 09:34, Jan 18

UnSignpost 21th January 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail

Jan 21st, 2010 • Issue 72 • Yorkshire-style news

Awards of the Year race thrillingly poised By UU Yes folks, as the first month of this new decade lurches slowly and falteringly towards conclusion, the ... of the Year awards showdown is accelerating towards a thrilling climax! Your ever-topical UnSignpost mascot DogNewspaper therefore brings you this essential and timely guide to the runners and riders!. In the most prestigious award of the lot, Writer of the Year, the race for second place behind prolific funny factory and champion-elect Hype is neck and neck between apparently-no-longer-hirsute TKF fan-club president and feature-machine Guildy and low-profile but high-quality-output, er, feature-machine Sog1970. But wait! There's still a chance they could get caught by the chasing pack of little-known and modest Scouser Mhaille, hetero macho-man Orian57, antipodean canine PuppyOnTheRadio and none-more-metal mosher Monika. Oh, and some other chancers have been nommed without polling a single vote (including DrStrange, who is currently looking likely to become the first Uncyclopedian ever to win WotM twice, but hasn't carried that form over to WotY - odd). Meanwhile, over at PotY, the race for second place behind Sonje is even closer, with both Modus and some n00b polling a creditable one nom but no votes each! Who will pull ahead by the end of the month? It's a competition you just can't keep your eyes off! Disappointingly, the UotY vote lets the side down, with seemingly a boring old race for first place between Belgian one-man categorisation whirlwind, maintenance addict, broken thing fixer, BUTT POOP!!! junkie and footwear-as-handwear exponent Socky and handsome English admin who wrote this article and is not in the least bit biased UU. The apparent scramble to be runner-up to whichever of these two is runner-up is far more interesting, as non-stop wikifixer MadMax goes up against Welsh Rarebit RabbiTechno, not-Yorkshire-enough admin Mordillo, vowel-free-zone Mnbvcxz and Moterfucking Nigger Lover Roman Dog Bird. Damned with the faint praise of a nom with no votes in this category are the pants bomber, talk page king FU Spang, human non-sequitur generator Modus and absent but deadly hockey nut Gerry. And finally, over where it's really at, the NotD cockfight is almost impossible to call! Will plucky outsider RC hold off the challenge of Apple, Apples and Maddie's life? The tension is quite literally unbearable! But remember kids: whoever "wins", we're all still losers. And now, your not-at-all-struggling-for-material Signpost brings you... Horoscopes! By GlobalTourniquet Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, you have a dream, that one day you will be judged not by the color of your skin but by Simon Cowell. Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If Martin Luther King had believed them when they told him "Silence is golden", he never would have accomplished his great work in the cause of civil rights. You, on the other hand, are just a mouthy bitch. Silence is golden. For the rest of this week's horoscopes in full, see the horoscopes page, obviously.

Check out these pages! Narcissism? On the intertubes? Serious businesszzzzszszz - sorry, nodded off there Breaking News: We're The Worst! From our logs: 06:45, 20 January 2010 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked I LIKE PIE!!! (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 48 hours ‎ (This is your local formatting nazi-admin reminding you to stop undoing people's formatting fixes. Learn to wiki, pl0x. And don't harrass people trying to help.) 01:04, 18 January 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.61.194.228 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (suspected homophobe. might hate gays. or he's just a faggot.) 12:33, 18 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 196.12.233.26 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (And the Lord said unto me, "Cursed are the page blankers, for they are the least of my creations; take up thy banhammer and smite them") Biopic of the Week Conscientious vote-machine Romartus has been around longer than you might think - kick-starting his Uncyc career with a series of DYK suggestions, before hitting his stride. Known as one of the more "demanding" voters on VFH, Romartus has also been diligently saving some of the less-deserving articles on VFD. He also breeds tropical ferrets. One of the previous statements is a lie, introduced by the biographer in lieu of a joke. Use your skill and judgement to work out which one! Old-School Featured Article of the Week Really Big Tree is an article about a really big tree. This tree is of such an immense size, it is scarcely credible. Few trees deserve their own Uncyclopedia article, but the Really Big Tree deserves its own wiki. You may think you have encountered trees of impressive size before, but you haven't seen a tree at all until you've experienced the Really Big Tree! Cajek UnBlock of the week! MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Cajek (Talk | contribs) (blocking Cajek is Sooooo old school. Unblocking Cajek is the new, new school. Not that I went to school. Obviously.) The (probably short-lived) return of UU's Obscure British Dialect Expression of the Week Were you to find yourself in Norwich, Engerland, you may happen upon a local. Were that local to then say to you "dew yew keep a troshin'", you may find yourself somewhat at a loss for a reasonable response - well, no more! Yes, your ever-useful UnSignpost is here to furnish you with a translation, which is: "take care of yourself". (It comes from "carry on with the threshing", if that helps, although we can't see how it would). So now if you find yourself in Norwich, Engerland, the only thing you have to worry about is getting out of there. Fast!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Also, it's MrN9000's mum's 60th birthday! 9001(bot)  17:39, Jan 21

Please forgive me my buccaneering

Also please forgive me for posting the same notice on more than one person's talk page. Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization finally finished its latest effort, Transformers. Actually, it had been on IC for four months and no one objected to a couple notices about it being moved to mainspace. So I asked admin and IC member MrN9000 to move it, which he did, complete with talk page and history, which I greatly appreciated. Then I wondered when someone would update the list at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/The Big Board, but saw the note "Tagstit, SysRq, and Gerry are the only ones who need to be editing this template." But sadly, the most recent Uncyclopedia edit by a member of the trilogy was two months ago. MrN9000 basically said if it was OK with active colonizer Optimuschris it was OK with him if I updated the list, which was all I planned to do. But then MrN said "Consider yourself the new director of IC." I really appreciate his help and encouragement, but all I was trying to do was get the list updated, and now I'm afraid I may have unintentionally stepped on some toes. I would be happy to carry this through the next article, if that's not a problem with anyone in IC, but never intended to cause a conflict with anyone. Please let me know if there's a problem here, and what we can do to fix it. You can see the discussions here and there. Thanks! King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  08:42, January 25, 2010 (UTC)

Semi-official Imperial Colonization

For once, a short note from me. I'm apparently now running Imperial Colonization. I plan to open it up for nominations for the next colonization on Sunday, 31 January 2010, so will make an official announcement then. In the meantime, I've made some changes, and would love suggestions (see Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization and User:Why do I need to provide this?/Imperial Colonization). Thanks for any help you can give me! King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  01:51, January 27, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 28th January 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

Jan 28th • Issue 73 • A Periodical. Period.

Continuing Absence Of Certain Users Forces Other Users To Do Things By UU It has come to the notice of our fearless journalists that some users have recently been desperately attempting to fill the gaping void left by the absence of some other users. For instance, in the absence of part-time dinosaur and popular keyboard feature SysRq, Why do I need to provide this? has stepped bravely into the Colonization brief (and has not, for instance, been forcefully volunteered for the task by MrN), dedicating himself to bringing colons where there are none (such is our understanding). Also bravely stepping into the "ban magnet" position created by the continuing and lamented absence of hyperactive loon Cajek is, well, a plethora of users. Admins, deprived of their favourite joke-ban target, have taken to joke banning anyone in an attempt to get their fix. Even those devoted to doing only good, just and true works have recently been targeted; and as if to prove this very statement, some power-crazed asshole went and joke banned Socky, RabbiTechno and Optimuschris as soon as he'd written this sentence. Elsewhere, ChiefjusticeDS has been filling the gap left by the absence of someone's enthusiasm for anything pee-related right at the moment by looking after the pee list, taking over as the person with the most in-depth reviews, reviewing everyone else's reviews, and generally not being lazy about it all. At the same time, the continuing absence of the yellow and black sig of Gerrycheevers has forced grumbling British curmudgeon UU to return to the Wiki's only newspaper, the UnSignpost, churning out issues that are, let's be honest, mere placeholders until Gerry gets his arse back here and writes something worth reading. YOU HEAR ME GERRY? GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW DAMMIT! Rumours that, in the relative absence of Orian57, Roman Dog Bird will take over the position of "token gay" are unconfirmed at the time of going to press. And finally, in the absence of enough content to make this issue balance out nicely, the UnSignpost is once again resorting to using blatant filler for the first time this year. Shameless, that's what it is. Complain to someone - it's the only way they'll learn.

Check out these pages! This seems to mean something to some people Bonzer Bruce, throw another stereotype on the barbie! Like. Comment. From our logs: 20:30, 26 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.223.27.16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (No-one talks that way about my favourite Jew. Learn some manners or GTFO.) 00:48, 26 January 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Why do I need to provide this? (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Sometimes I feel, like I've been TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEDDD to the Whipping Post!!!!) 18:19, 24 January 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.42.246.27 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Toll. Idiot. Whatever. Banned, UnBanned, Banned, Banned. BYE. Try IRC next time. The guys in there will enjoy it.) Biopic of the Week Users today, they barely know they're born. The problem? Too little exposure to Flammable. The permanent curator of the Principal's office rarely deigns to grace us mortals with his presence these days, but the very sight of his rainbow-strewn sig used to inspire fear, dread, terror and, for some reason, carol singing. "While shepherds fed their flocks thermite..." Old-School Featured Article of the Week This one's for you, Guildy: HowTo:Be pretentious. Don your black polo-neck, cock a snook at the hoi polloi, and sit back, secure in your superiority, thanks to this indispensable guide! Cursory Mention of the Week CheddarBBQ wanted to be mentioned in this week's Signpost. So he is.

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9001(bot)  14:58, Jan 28

ATTENTION COLONIZER

Duty Calls! Imperial Colonization has been commandeered! With a shiny new, waterproof coat, we're heading out to sea once again. We need you for our next colonization. You have one week to nominate or vote from right now, Sunday the 31st of January 2010, to Saturday the 6th of February 2010. (See Protocol for how to nominate an article for Colonization. And remember, if you vote for an article that means you intend to help colonize it.) Then starting Sunday, 7 February 2010, we will start colonizing another savage land (i.e., improving whichever article gets the most votes). Come on board and vote or nom now, to the glory of Her Majesty!

EXTRA: Our most recent colonization, Transformers, has just been Pee Reviewed. If you're interested in making improvements, please check out the article and the review. With a little work, we may have another glorious Feature article! Wouldn't that be just spiffy? And remember, if you participate and this does get featured, you get one half feature credit!

For the Glory of Her Majesty and by Order of your Fearful Fearless Leader, King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  19:27, January 30, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 4th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

Feb 4th, 2010 • Issue 74 • Ain't It Uncool? News!

Spang Archives Talkpage; End of World Expected Imminently By UU Renowned Wikia fan, code monkey and sexy admin Spang has performed what many users believe to be the clearest sign to date of impending apocalypse: he's archived his talk page. After almost 2 years of torturing the Wiki's servers, and having amassed a fairly impressive 410,844 bytes of content, Spang finally decided to give people the chance to talk to him without waiting for half an hour for his page to load. When asked for his reasoning behind this unprecedented move, the muddy funster quipped "no comment". Faced with such dazzling repartee, this reporter has no choice but to cut to the next story and hope he has some better quotes to pad it out with. Award Winners Speak Exclusively to UnSignpost By Someone who definitely isn't running out of ideas already this year Well, there you go folks, looks like the "... of the Year" award voting is done and dusted for another year. Thanks to all who voted; without you, the admins would probably have less to do, which would obviously be dangerous. Anyway, that aside, your ever-topical Unsignpost went and mugged the various winners for comments on their various wins. Several of them, of course, have already made their feelings clear to those who voted for them by way of the traditional thanks templates. Apart from UU, because he's a lazy ass. Or because he's busy writing this. Whichever. Anyway again, for the benefit of those who didn't vote for the winners, and don't watch their talk pages, here's what they had to say: Runaway WotY Hype said: "Thanks, you guys!! If you'll permit me to be dead serious for the first time ever on the wiki, this really is an honor, and it's pretty damn touching that so many people came out in support of my work. Whew. Being serious felt weird. I feel... strange. BALLS BALLS PENIS COCK. Ah... there's the stuff!" He then went off to write another My Sojourn spin-off. Even more runaway PotY Sonje said: "Thank you, I intend to return as soon as I can. I am currently in Africa with very limited internet access. I'll try to time my return to co-incide with the Oscars so that I can get some pointers for my acceptance speech." Admittedly, that was before we asked her for a comment, but then, she is in Africa with limited internet access. Joint UotY Socky channeled Churchill to say: "*scrapes throat* Ahem! I would like to say to the community as I would say to anyone who joined this website: Uncyclopedia has nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all error — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. … That seems to be the wrong Churchill speech. Okay, I'll give it another try. *scrapes throat again* The gratitude of every home throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen and Belgian spies who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the Wiki War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to two people. And so on and so on… Woot! Woot!" Long-winded bugger. And other joint UotY UU said: "wow, Socky's already left me needing a lot of filler for the right panel, so I'll keep this shortish. First, it's good to see someone who isn't an admin get their hands on this award, and Socky's hard work deserves recognition. Second, it's great to have my complete lack of a life recognised in this way. Third, did someone say Spang's archived his talk page? What the fuck's that all about?." Oh, and Dr. Skullthumper was UGotY, but that was a foregone conclusion anyway. He didn't seem to have any comment of his own to make, so TKF hopped in to the breach with "I call the award a "fascist disgrace" and "move to permanently disbar Mike Socia, that ape from Lighting who made my mole visible to all of the goddamn world watching the ceremony."" Which about wraps it all up, I hope.

Check out these pages! No really, it's archived and everything! There are moar quesitons than answers Not sure what the point is, but it's not made with a certain style A question we have all asked, so many times From our logs: 13:56, 2 February 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 161.12.7.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Excess stupid detected. Take it to Niggermania, VNN or one of the many charming forums for racist lunatics like yourself out there.) 11:15, 1 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.49.98.244 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (ITALY does not rule and has not ruled for quite some time now actually. Blame the Christians if I were you...) 19:46, 29 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.11.81.96 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Improve your manners, cunt) 09:51, 29 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.167.51.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (UN:VAIN. have a quick read of it, and see why we're not interested in you. although you could probably just look in a mirror and figure that out...) Biopic Legend of the Week MadMax. Forty two thousand edits. Countless other contributions that can never be measured by simple Wiki stats software. No drama. Ever. Probably the single greatest force for good on this miserable little wiki. And it took us until issue 74 to profile him. The UnSignpost sucks; Max certainly doesn't. Old School Featured Article of the Week The 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is by far "The Most Difficult Puzzle Of All Time™". Many have scrambled, twisted and turned this mythical puzzle, but few have solved it. By the end of this article, YOU TOO will be able to solve this puzzle. Unfortunately... you may encounter some problems on the way though... such as, twisting the cube the wrong way when speedsolving. The Desperate Return of Cajek Ban of the Week! (Block log); 10:20 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10000 years ("And he shall scourage the Earth for 9999 years. And then one more" Book of Mordillo, chapter 1 verse plox. ) Horoscope of the Week Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - So, yeah, it's the start of Black History Month. And speaking of Black History, seems like it's an appropriate time to finally track down your real father. You see, it turns out, that's not just a Jew-fro. For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here. Redundancy of the Week Did we mention Spang's archived his talk page?

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9001(bot)  15:17, Feb 4

ATTENTION COLONIZERS: WE ARE RECREATING CREATIONISM

The Bible says God created the world in six days by himself--our crew of talented colonizers can surely recreate an article in a week and a half! Remember, any Colonizer is welcome to work on our current project, which is the Creationism article. But before you begin, check "READ THIS FIRST" at the top. From Sunday, 7 February to Wednesday, 10 February 2010, a hearty crew of brave colonizers plotted a strong course for the article by consensus. We have the beginning of a great colonization, so go forth and colonize to the glory of Her Majesty!

Special Note for Lobsterbacks (i.e. those who signed up but haven't yet worked on a successful colonization). We plan to keep your name on the honored membership list if you make worthwhile contribution to the article or other parts of Imperial Colonization between 31 January 2010 and the end of this project. If your name is removed from the list, you are welcome to reapply when you plan to become active. User:Why do I need to provide this?/sig10 05:04, February 11, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 11th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!

Feb 11th, 2010 • Issue 75 • Picking the nuts of truth out of the muesli of news. Or something.

New way to win awards, impress friends, crush rivals! By UU Writing competitions, eh? With the Poo Lit Surprise, the Turkey Day Ball, and a conservation week or two, it would seem Uncyclopedians can't get enough of 'em. And now there's another! But this one has a point that separates it from the herd. Well a couple of points, actually. One: it's organised by human wiki-whirlwind MadMax, so it'll probably be efficient as all get-out; two: it's a sneaky way of fulfilling a need. See, there are all these great ideas for articles floating around at UN:REQ; articles that would undoubtedly improve this festering little wiki. And there they sit, being good ideas, but not being used. This competition aims to change all that! Yes, that's right, The Article Whisperer is a competition that gives you the ideas to get you started, all you need to do is supply the funny. What could be easier? Well, since you ask, perhaps judging it could? Max is also looking for at least 4 more opinionated types, unafraid of passing withering judgement on their peers. If you're interested in judging or entering, or if you have a good idea that would elevate this competition from being a damn good idea to a colossally awesome one, let MadMax know either on his talk page, or on the article's talk page. For those who want to selflessly improve the wiki while crushing all around them under the steel wheels of their genius, there can be no finer opportunity! General news round-up By UU As several things have been happening recently in Uncyclopedia, and ace cub reporter DogNewspaper is in some sort of snow-induced hibernation, and consequently too lazy to write individual articles on any of them, here is a quick synopsis of a couple of the more newsworthy recent events on the wiki in handy easy-to-digest bite-sized chunks. Mordillo nearly went mad attempting to feature all articles tied for tenth place in the top 10 of last year. And then spent the rest of this month to date patiently fielding questions about how long the rest of the featuring was going to take, and when normal featuring would resume. POTR did his best to help. When not asked for a quote, Mordillo said "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND SEE YOU IN 2011". We think he's just talking about the top 10, and not about taking a 10 month hiatus. That is, we hope so. A recent VFD nomination ended in a deletion marathon, as MrN and RDB spent 2 hours removing every last trace of the notorious Game:Page. Apart from the traces Mordillo deleted, that is. And the redirects to it that UU took care of, come to think of it. But still, all told, an impressive act of mass carnage only made more awesome by the fact that they somehow managed to delete Socky's userpage at one point during the proceedings. MrN claims "Both RDB and me still have sore huffing fingers you know".

Check out these pages! Insulting sports players - the future of comedy When is a month not a month? The most important link you'll ever click From our logs: 15:04, 8 February 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 169.139.1.20 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (We are having communications issues here. When I say don't recreate, it means don't press that little create button and paste the same content for the third time) 11:55, 8 February 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.75.78.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (there are a million better things you could be doing with your life right now, but you're inserting barely literate insults to a sports player on a comedy wiki. must suck really hard to be you.) 08:35, 7 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.92.151.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (We don't care if you fuck horses. No need to tell the world. Maybe the police, but that's up to you.) Biopic of the Week Being as he's now been on Uncyclopedia for three bastardin' years, this seems as good a time as any to profile Kip the Dip. A man of many contrasts, Kip appears to be some sort of useful gobshite. His enthusiasm for all things Uncyclopedia, including his tireless championing of Euroipods and sterling work on The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and forty-two times have helped make this wiki what it is today. The Worst. Thanks, Kip. Old School Featured Article of the Week Patriotism is an air-borne disease caused by the bacterium enlistment bonusai. It was first observed in 1776 by Dr. Arnold Bazonga, but was initially confused with the alcohol-borne illness bravery. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, Richard Albinger and French Emperors. Final Side-Panel Box of the Week Because we don't need that much padding this week.

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9001(bot)  13:05, Feb 11

UnSignpost 18th February 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now Delivered Trendily Late!

Feb 18th, 2010 • Issue 76 • Now with 20% more vanity!

Understanding of the universe is shattered; Creation as we know it is defunct By POTR Imperial colonisation is back, and in true colonisation style, is taking religion to the masses. One of the most controversial elements of religious understanding has been the answer to the question "How did we get here?" This has often been seen in the debate that has been long held between Creationists and Evolutionists. Now that Imperial Colonisation is back on its feet, under the able guidance of IC Buccaneer Admiral Why?, they are educating the masses on this as we speak. "The article had been befouled by some evil doers, probably French or Spanish or Americans or worse. We are diligently researching and writing to bring the article in line with the Truth." stated Buccaneer Admiral Why?. A dramatic re-write is in process, as Why? has all his seamen working towards the noble goal of indoctrinating the masses in Creationist theory. After some false starts involving a banana and a jar of peanut butter, the recreation of creationism is being created. "The colonized article will show how the Empire has the right and duty to colonize everywhere by any methods available, and that anything we do is God's will. We will finish it by Saturday, 20 of February, or by Saturday, 27 of February, depending upon how long it takes us to colonize the natives. Anyone who wishes to apply to join our noble effort may do so at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization." Why? stated in closing. Darwin awards - Uncyclopedia Stylie By POTR Recently a n00b by the name of I LIKE PIE!!! chose to join the Uncyclopedia family. After a very short time he demonstrated the behaviours that make Uncyclopedia the place that it is. Of course, removing edits and formatting fixes by other users had him come to the attention of Dr. Skullthumper, who politely left him a message along with a 48 hour ban. Fortunately he showed the resilience that 10 year olds have when they are in the middle of doing something completely idiotic, and continued to trawl through people's talk pages, undo their edits, and generally be a dick. MrN9000, understanding the right balance of politeness and harshness, gave I LIKE PIE!!! a friendly message on his talk page, with a 1 week ban to support the severity of his words. Undeterred, I LIKE PIE!!! later returned. 1 week and 35 minutes after his previous ban, MrN repeated his previous words to the young man, along with a further 1 week ban. Thankfully, it appears that I LIKE PIE!!! took MrN's words to heart, as he managed to last a further 30 minutes after this second ban before he ran afoul of Roman Dog Bird, who in true RDB style demonstrated what an infinite ban actually means. When hard-hitting journalists pressed for details relating to the banning of this pre-pubescent pestilence, MrN replied "What kinda a journalist are you man!?!" Congratulations, I LIKE PIE!!!, for becoming the inaugural Uncyclopedia Darwin award winner, and removing yourself from the meme pool that we all enjoy.

Check out these pages! Some people are just too vain... Sluts get VD, I think Everyone loves a bad winner From our logs: Under user blocked 206.113.136.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (y0u h@v3 b33n b@nn3d (don't be a tw@t)) MrN9000 huffed "Onlytheashesremain" ‎ (You call that an article? Put your back into it!!!, not that we are calling you stupid you understand. Dave, can we call you Dave?) Roman Dog Bird huffed "Bucket of Shit" ‎ (Funny title, but the content proves that you like to suck big, fat, black, dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you obviously have trouble admitting it. Well....I'm not here for you dude. Sorry.) Biopic of the Week Hmm, who to bio this week? Well, it's been a while since we covered {{username}}, we could always go back to that old chestnut... Or maybe something esoteric, like profiling the sidebar, that'd fit with Unsignpost tradition. Hmm. Or maybe we could note that Turbo-Whoring machine, one-man Doritos fan club and Torch-Carrier by appointment to someone called "Jenny", CheddarBBQ hasn't actually asked to be profiled this week, and therefore decide this is the perfect opportunity to profile him. Usurping of the Week The Unführer of Der Unwehr has recently demonstrated the concept of survival of the fittest by finally having someone with more DU points than him threatening his position. "This is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Following standard Nazi protocol, the young officer in question will be forced to resign his position due to his disturbing excess of competence, just like what Hitler did to Rundstedt, List, Manstein, Bock, Rundstedt again, Busch, Leeb, and Rundstedt a third time. I wash my hands of this." Unführer Guildensternenstein said in response. Stand-in of the Week It has come to our attention that an anonymous user has infiltrated the presses here and overtaken the majority of the writing for an issue of the Unsignpost. When approached by Necropaxx to discuss this catastrophe, he is quoted as saying "I... is a... butt." This editorial team couldn't agree more.

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9001(bot)  23:40, Feb 18

UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

Feb 25th, 2010 • Issue 77 • Slurping the froth of Truth off the cappuccino of News

Games, games and more games! We have more games then you can poke a stick at! By POTR Is the games namespace 99.9% shit was the question elegantly asked by OptyC recently. A simple question that has sparked a storm in a teacup. While Uncyclopedia is, undoubtably, the pinnacle of fine parody, it has been suggested the this particular poor cousin of the Main space has been allowed to fall into disrepair and disrepute due to the influx of poorly crafted content. In the words of one editor Delete it. It's cruft and I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a parody namespace of anything on Wikipedia. However, despite the lack of quality content, a significant portion of users have requested that it remain in play, however it be improved by having a little tender loving care given to it, along with a more rigid amount of cruft huffing. As such, it is with open arms we welcome the inclusion into this realm of the new moderator of the Games namespace OptyC, who will be referred to going forward as the Game Master. Upon the announcement of this singularly spectacular accolade, Optyc's first words were Maybe I shoulda just kept my mouth shut, eh? Although much respect must be levelled his way at the way he has taken to his new role with much gusto, winnowing through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat available in there. For more information on these developments, visit Forum:The Games namespace. It's Alive! By Mordillo A new blow to the "democrats"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" of Uncyclopedia, opposing the disputed hereditary law. Senior member of the non existent Cabal and editor-in-chief-in-absentia of this newspaper, UU has announced the birth of heiress to the throne, also known as UUette. UUette was reportedly born holding a scepter and a miniature ban hammer, wearing a crown and QVFD grade galoshes and waving frantically at the hysterical cheering masses. The non existent cabal promptly announced a reserved seat for UUette in the VFS round of 2026 as well as the prestigious position of "Noob of the Month". A shrouded spokesperson for the Cabal noted that "it would have been important for the Cabal, were it to exist, that the existing Cabal dynasty, especially one coming from such a quality genetic specimen such as UU, shall continue without disturbance. The Cabal is greatly pleased with UU and Mrs. UU for bolstering its numbers for the greater Cabal's good." Sporadic demonstration of support were noted around the Uncyclopedia realm, as supporters of the Cabal were seen with "DEAR UUette IS GREAT" and "ALL HAIL THE HEIR APPARENT" signs. So called "democratic"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" protests were dealt with swiftly and efficiently. And from all of us in the UnSignpost here is one big congratulations UU, may your daughter have huge...errr..tracks of land.

Check out these pages! A very pointed question Something about penises? Damn this self-referential humour From our logs: sannse blocked EugeneKay with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (WILL YOU PLEASE STOP GETTING BLOCKED!) MrN9000 blocked 173.53.142.210 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (HOWARD STERN IS *NOT* THE GREATEST. Steve Davis is considerably better for example. As is Burt Reynolds.) Under user 80.239.242.142 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (me again - I see you're still a twat. have much longer to do something about that.) Biopic of the Week Puppy on the radio's signature has been a long and respectable member of the Uncyclopedia community for many months. Undergoing genetic manipulations and constant radiation bombardment, it now qualifies as a sentient entity by its own accord. The signature, expecting to be emancipated in the near future, indicated that it likes funny articles, men who are not afraid to be in touch with their feelings and long strolls on the beach. Mordillo's profound statement of the Week "I don't mind boobs" Source: User talk:MrN9000 Word of the Week Abodespotism IPA: /əˈbəʊˈdɛs.pɒt.ɪzəm/ the rule of a household despot; the exercise of absolute authority over the household. absolute power or control of all housemates; tyranny of shared living.(n) (eg. "While you live in my house you will abide by my rules.") Origin: Abode + Despotism Related forms: Ab⋅od⋅es⋅pot⋅ic  , Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅tic, Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅ti⋅cal, adjective Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tist, noun Note: Often confused with Nespotism. Source: Undictionary Underwater Sea Monster Sighting of the Week Deep sea recent changes fishermen have been repeatedly reporting sightings of a huge scaled fire breathing creature, roaming the deep. Later on, the on call coast guard confirmed that this was a "once in a generation sighting of Ogopogo. Ogopogo, a mythical see creature than has been tamed by the Cabal many generations ago, has been lost for decades but now apparently decided to come back and check what's for dinner. Tsunami waves are expected all across the pond for the next few weeks. Administrative Notification of the Week Uncyclopedia's management would like to thank all participants of the 2nd Dubai Uncyclocon and would like to emphasize that it takes no responsibility for the excessive usage of forged passports. Please, people, try to be more discreet next time eh?

9001(bot)  20:59, Feb 28

User:Why do I need to provide this?/IC Batman Begins User:Why do I need to provide this?/sig10 03:26, March 4, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now Delivered Trendily Late!

Mar 4th, 2010 • Issue 78 • Snorting the drug of Truth from the toilet seat of News

Controversy over Uncyclopedian leads journalist to public outcry By Him again The "of the Month" nominations and celebrations have been marred recently by drama circulating in forums, talk pages and on vote pages in various areas. Fortunately, whenever and wherever a drama has reared its ugly head an Unsignpost reporter has been there to cover it. Why do I need to provide this? is now experiencing his second week of not having been nominated for anything. After mentioning to a respected editor that he had been nominated for at least one award for almost every day he had been part of the Uncyclopedia community, he bemoaned the fact that he had not been nominated for anything this month. "I've been nommed for something EVERY SINGLE DAY of the five months I've been here--until this month. I'm not nommed for anything. It's pretty depressing, really." Why? complained As a result of this complaining, Why? was then nominated for an award that had been more respected in the breach then in the observance - to paraphrase the bard - Nomination of the Month. When, after a series of events, Roman Dog Bird felt obliged to nominate Aleister in Chains' Nomination for NOTM of PuppyOnTheRadio's nomination for NOTM of Why do I need to provide this?'s nomination of PuppyOnTheRadio for UGotM, he simply stated "This is a stupid award." Meanwhile, at UotM, discussion over the number of awards given out led to an obvious discussion about the worth of RotM and UotM, which of course led, as all conversational roads do, to the hugely popular and debatably talented Dan Brown, not to be confused with Dan Kwon, as we aren't quite sure who he is. The debate got unexpectedly heated when a talented and handsome editor suggested that another less talented editor should perform carnal and bestial acts with random household appliances. Remember to cast your vote in AotM, PotM, RotM, NotM and WotM, or nominate the uncyc member that has impressed you most in these areas. And of course, always remember Mordillo's words, "This one is for people who made Uncyclopedia better by cleaning up shop, helping people and allow Uncyclopedia to wobble around without falling over." Vote today. Or tomorrow - depending on if you have the time. Vote for Sandwiches suspended, Uncyclopedians confused By UU Confusion reigned supreme in Uncyclopedia this month, as the ever-popular Vote for Sandwiches page was inexplicably protected, and changed to something that appears to be called "Vote for Sysops". Historical investigation by our fearless mascot DogNewspaper has revealed that this is actually the traditional process by which new sysops are selected on Uncyc - which came as a surprise to many editors, particularly the newer ones, many of whom didn't realise new sysops could be selected. And with the current vote count standing at 6 in favour, and with few regularly active sysops left to vote, it looks like the chances are that there will be new sysops by the end of this month - so time to start deciding who you're gonna nominate! Who will be the next to have a thousand IPs ask them on their talkpage why they deleted their useless little one-line stub? Stay tuned to find out?

Check out these pages! Heh - poopy Haven't we been here before? Hang on - writing articles? There's an idea... From our logs: 02:36, 1 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.156 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Cyberbullying: I'm guessing that's what you are trying to do. If so, you are shit at it.) 14:57, 2 March 2010 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked {contr|207.144.173.198}} (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Anti-semitism + stupidity = my foot + your butt) 19:05, 2 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.211.39.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Vandal: Why don't you go to concervapedia, and ask them if Jesus loves you. I say, He doesn't.) 18:32, 2 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 87.114.246.12 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking by installments is still blanking. and blanking makes baby jesus cry. it also pisses me off, and that's far worse.) Biopic of the Week Is it actually legal to have two Portsmouth fans on the same wiki? The subject of this week's spotlight, Nachlader cared not a jot for this important question when he joined Codeine as Uncyc's second Pompey fan. Nachlader is an occasional drunk poster in the dump, a former NotM and RotM and, lest we forget, the writer of some very fine featured articles. Shame no-one can spell his username though. Old-school featured article of the month Smells Like Teen Spirit was a monthly celebrity scratch and sniff magazine produced by Grunge Publications in the early 1990's. Beckoning a time of true periodical change, young women aged eighteen to twenty-two decided that merely looking upon their favourite celebrities no longer hot-buttered their ever-so-proverbial muffins and collectively proclaimed, "Here we are... now entertain us." Perhaps it was something in the way these determined ladies phrased this proclamation, or simply the fact that Grunge perceived a lucrative sliver of the niche market that was girls who wanted to smell things, but the call was swiftly answered with a glossy, uniquely olfactory experience hailed as "a Nirvana for the nostrils" that became the unofficial scent of Generation X.

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9001(bot)  00:15, Mar 6

UnSignpost 11th March 2010

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Better sign it.

Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008

Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery By PuppyOnTheRadio For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception. Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal. However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history. One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered! There is no cabal. Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia. As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again. I may even go to Antarctica. But most importantly, there is not now, nor never has been, a cabal. A useful HowTo? does not compute! By UU Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Zim ulator, Zionist control freak Mordillo and sucker for punishment workhorse SPIKE got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement. If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.

Check out these pages! Pruning dead wood MrN's power trip continues, and something about a usergroup Has someone taken the piss? From our logs: 00:09, 10 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.145.114 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?) 18:33, 9 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.150.243.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously)) 09:19, 9 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.189.75.214 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.) 22:08, 8 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.99.135.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. ) Biopic of the Week If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot MrN9001. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff MrN himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him? Admin answer of the Week Shijiati: Why did you huff my page? Codeine: Because it sucked. Any questions, folks? Horoscope of the Week *Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism. For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

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9001(bot)  11:07, Mar 12

User:Why do I need to provide this?/IC Why plank King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  16:33, March 17, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

Mar 18th, 2010 • Issue 80 • Hold the line! News isn't always on time!

VFS: it begins By UU As exclusively reported in your super soaraway UnSignpost last week, the voting process for new Uncyclopedia sysops has begun, and so it's time for Signpost mascot and never-popular running joke DogNewspaper to give the traditional unbiased Signpost rundown of the candidates. Leading the popular vote at present is long-serving poopsmith and kvetcher RabbiTechno, gaining a seemingly unassailable lead by being helpful, friendly and competent, and by promising to bake cakes for all who vote for him - a ploy which may well have snared the support of more than just the odd swing voter. In a comfortable position just behind the Rabbi is lengthily-monikered Belgian workhorse Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, the joint Uncyclopedian of the Year for 2009, who seems to be gathering followers by being helpful, competent, friendly, and doing loads and loads of stuff. This cunning stratagem has obviously endeared him to the denizens of this wiki, who seem to be propelling him towards having his own banstick. But hold on, who's this coming up stealthily behind Socky? Why, it's pee review supremo and scourge of vandals everywhere ChiefjusticeDS! The Chief is steadily accumulating backers through the cunning tactic of being competent, helpful and friendly. He also rules PEEING with an iron fist, and spends inordinate amounts of time cleaning and tidying up the place, facts that have led to him coming within striking distance of the leaders in what appears to be a three-horse race. One thing is clear from this - all 3 of the most popular candidates appear to be helpful and friendly, which this newspaper finds unacceptable - where is the next Famine going to come from? where will we find an admin willing to infiban users and delete all their articles just for looking at someone the wrong way, or for being Kip the Dip? Also nominated, and receiving some support are current Writer of the Year and greatest person in the history of all things ever Hyperbole, diplomat by Uncyc appointment to all religions Optimuschris, canine broadcaster and damn fine journalist PuppyOnTheRadio, allcaps-named VFD machine SPIKE, confirmed female on the internets Zana Dark, easy-to-spell feature-machine Guildensternenstein and jaded old-timer Necropaxx. Other people have been nominated without recording a score as yet, but as this article is already long enough to have the editor wondering how many filler boxes he can dream up for the right-side panel this week, they just appear as a brief list: Mnbvcxz, Cajek, Gerrycheevers, Syndrome, The Woodburninator, Why do I need to provide this?, Charitwo and some bloke called Mhaille. Will any of them pick up a sympathy vote before the end of voting round 2? Positions vacant. By PuppyOnTheRadio The Imperial Colonization is a long standing organisation that has for years been at the cutting edge of creativity of articles for one of the world's most respected websites: Uncyclopedia. Due to a period of unprecedented growth during a time of economic downturn, as most of our members are otherwise unemployed, we are looking for a new assistant to the head of IC. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to work from home. Your daily duties will include: Telling writers that they should be working on the latest colonisation Ensuring that changes to current colonisation are consistent with the theme Telling writers to stop wasting time on other projects and get back to the current colonisation Vetting new applicants to IC to ensure they are of the quality needed Telling writers that they should really be working on IC Going insane with power (optional) The relevant applicant will have: Significant experience in editing and writing articles for feature Preferably have worked on IC or in a related field The ability to tell writers that they should really get back to the current project, as it needs to be completed by the 20th of March. A fluffy teddy called Norman (optional, but preferred) This is a rare opportunity. The successful applicant will become next in line to take over the reins of IC when the current head gets sick of it retires. You will be paid in the half feature credit when a colonised article gets featured, as well as being able to call yourself the assistant to the head of Imperial Colonisation. To apply, contact Why do I need to provide this? here.

Check out these pages! UnNews is revolting! Shit happens Bandwagons also happen, inevitably Oh noes, Aussie lawyers - could we be DOOMED? Opinions required From our logs: 08:26, 17 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.28.232.175 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Vandal: Oh my, you are just so fucking witty. With wits like that, who needs enemas?) 18:53, 16 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Hyperactive-Sausage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (enjoy your complimantary penis) 00:21, 16 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.251.242.153 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (I THINK 99.251.242.153 SHOULD BURN OR HAVE TO PAY FOR OXYGEN, fuckin fuirt, KILL 99.251.242.153) 12:30, 12 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.247.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Cyberbullying: and generally being a retard. Let's get this right... You call your friend Gay, but you like editing the Powerpuff Girls page? Think about that...) Biopic of the Week We at the UnSignpost pride ourselves on profiling only the finest Uncyclopedians. So how in the hell has it taken us 80 issues to get around to profiling Zana Dark? A self-confessed female and all-round smartass, Zana has been on this wiki for years, bringing her uniquely feminine touch to the Uncyclopedia Legal Department and a whole bunch of impressive rewrites. She's also been WotM for writing funny articles about flashing beaver, tits, and butter, proving conclusively that she knows exactly how to appeal to the sensibilities of the largely male Uncyc userbase. Old-School Featured Article of the Week Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! (1959) was a fact-based horror film that played in drive-in movie theaters across America. It is widely lauded for opening the eyes of an entire generation of movie patrons to the blood-curdling terror of a heterogeneous nation. Filmed in Super Black 'n' White-O-Vision, with monophonic sound recorded in Mono-O-Phon-O-Sound, Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! proved to be a blockbuster that far exceeded the director's humble expectations. The movie's potent real-life lessons held patrons enrapt, while its documentary film-style distracted horny teens, protecting them from the joys of second base for the duration of the action-packed second and third acts of the film. Reason to leave Uncyc #341 Modusoperandi won't quit hoggin' the shower. Obligatory Filler Box of the Week When you absolutely positively gotta have an extra line or so to balance out the UnSignpost - accept no substitute! Horoscope of the Week Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will say words that are complete nonsense to you because you think they identify a particular culture that you otherwise completely ignore, but that no one of that culture actually ever says. B'gosh and begorrah. For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

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9001(bot)  11:52, Mar 18

Discordianism vote needed quickly and member retirement

User:Why do I need to provide this?/Discordianism vote King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  18:04, March 24, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

Mar 25th, 2010 • Issue 81 • So full of news, our news-gut hangs over our news-jeans

VFS reaches third and final round, Uncyclopedians bored to tears By UU And so the bloated process that is VFS stumbles drunkenly into its third and final stage. All the chaff - that is, those polling low numbers of votes - has been mercilessly pruned, and the wheat - Chief, Rabbi and Socky - is now being sifted carefully by the admins. And the UnSignpost once more devotes precious space to covering it, even though most Uncyclopedians, with their reduced attention spans, got bored of it weeks ago. Once again, the Rabbi appears to be in pole position, and there are rumours that Mordillo is already preparing him a traditional Jewish banstick, such is his current lead. Meanwhile, Sock and Chief are neck-and-neck for the second slot, polling three votes each currently. When he interviewed himself for this article, lazy journalist UU exclusively told us: "this reflects well on the site - we have three great, very strong candidates, any and all of whom would do a great job if opped. And a number of those who didn't make it to round 3 will probably make a much stronger showing next time. If there is a next time." All that remains now is to see how the final few days affect the vote, and who finally gets the supreme honour of being able to go delete every single page of shitloads of crappy games that have been nommed on VFD, and the like. Joins us next week for the "From Our Logs" new admin special, when we analyse their first bans, and watch as these new admins mercilessly ban the unlucky loser and abuse their new powers flagrantly. Hopefully. Top 5 Of-The-Months Become 90% Cheesier By CheddarBBQ Well known and completely badass user CheddarBBQ, known for his increasing his own self-image, and for being one of the coolest guys ever, has now set a record by being nommed for all four "big" nominations in the same month. Even more impressive, he has been nommed for these four without doing much of anything deserving of awards (besides the aforementioned alleged coolness and/or badassedness). The always tasty Eyetallyan snackfood has been able to hold tightly to last place in each one of these all month. When asked about his newfound record, the great man/food had this to say: "I always knew I was special. The bag of cheese curls that I referred to as "Mommy" for 15 years would tell me so on a regular basis. Also, suck it bitchez." Of course the amazing record-breaker would think well of himself, so we went elsewhere, to question his adopted son, Momo. When asked about the excitement over the record, Momo claimed, "Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy." Curiously, his comment did not much relate to the matter at hand, yet it was deemed necessary to include it anyway. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. In other news, it appears that Don Chedds is about to set another record by being the first Uncyclopedian to drastically lose all five major awards in one month. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. Here's to you, CheddarBBQ. Oh yeah, and some other people had something to do with it as well. Note: The writer of this article has decided that a fact check as to whether or not either of these are true records would be unnecessary.

Check out these pages! Screw you, smartasses Something to do with politics, I think We have a history, but is that anything worth celebrating? From our logs: 23:47, 23 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked Dakotah0 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Being a Dick: Fucking n00bs, editing the UnNews Main Page.... what do you think this is, rimjob? Wikipedia?) 09:16, 23 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.162.71.154 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (stop being so full of fail. seriously, did you have a fail transplant or something? that's a serious fail supply you carry round with you.) 05:14, 22 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird blocked TheUnUncyclopedian with an expiry time of infinite (Have you ever tried to cum in your mouth? I did. I couldn't go through with it though. No way was I going to eat my cum. What the fuck was I thinking? True story.) Biopic of the Week Tell you what, let's do a bio of someone who's won the WotM award this year - how's that sound? Splendid, knew you'd like it. And you'll like the guy we've chosen too: Nameable. How can you not? He's friendly, cuddly (we're told), and capable of writing a funny article about Corn Flakes. That's pretty much as good as it gets, right there. Unless you have some kind of Corn Flake aversion, but then, if you do, you're beyond help. Probably. Day of the Week A glut of Sasquatch-related UnNews stories led the very Reverend Zim to declare March 24th Sasquatch Appreciation Day. He celebrated by spamming a template around a few talk pages. Do those sasquatches appreciators know how to party or what? Old school featured article of the Week Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay abreast of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, many people have mass-debated over the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticeDS 22:03, March 25, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 1th April 2010 - Always on time

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The periodical without any junk in its trunk!

Apr 1st, 2010 • Issue 82 • You'd better watch out, you'd better beware: if any news happens, the Signpost will be there

Nominally Humane! some time Friday, 04:44, Apr 2 2010 UTC

UnSignpost 4/8/10 - Oh hi Signpost.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

Apr 8th, 2010 • Issue 83 • News even an Uncyclopedian can understand!

We deliver on our promises By PuppyOnTheRadio As stated in last weeks edition of the USP, VFS is over, and we've run out of material to be able to fill this particular edition. Discussion about what to include in here has been vast and varied. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user suggested we write an article about how it's his birthday today, but how are we going to be able to write an entire article about his birthday? Especially when the bastard hasn't invited us to his party or shared any of his cake with us. Other suggestions included writing the value of π to the first 1,000 digits, or planting drugs on an admin. As none of the regular writers are able to do anything mathematical, and we attempted to plant drugs on an admin, but they mysteriously disappeared before we could discover them, those options were excluded. So instead we have gone back to suggestions for what we were going to do for the April Fool's day issue, where EMC suggested we have an article which simply showed someone being hit in the face with a pie. Working on the assumption that a picture is worth one thousand words, this seems to incorporate elements from most of the ideas we have had so far. If you are interested in helping to pad out contribute fine quality writing to the UnSignpost, or just wanting to bring up items of interest for our intrepid team of editors to report on, drop us a line at the press room and we promise we'll be polite when we ignore it. Spinning some new yarns By UU Another week, another new Uncyclopedia project, it seems. The latest to be launched is the Summit of Spin, which purports to be "an "office" that makes it easier and more organized to collaborate on article serials". It seemingly has no rules, but claims to provide "a series of tools to facilitate writing", which sounds dangerously close to helpful, if you ask us. Intrigued, your ever-alert UnSignpost asked the project's founder, Multiliteralist, for some quotes, preferably lengthy ones for the sake of padding. He responded: "You like the truth, don't you? But you don't like it the way it is now? Join us." Which is all well and good, but doesn't exactly fill this article out anything like enough. Fortunately, he added: "Our door is open for anyone with - in the words of Sir Humphrey Appleby - some moral flexibility." That was slightly more helpful for our purposes. Fortunately, however, he followed that up with: "Early this year, I felt something was missing in the world. That something was money truth - and it was specifically missing in my pockets the world of organised news reporting. Whatever is true in the world - like how wooden wheels are far better than tyres made of rubber and wheels made of metal alloys, or how fluffy bunnies are infinitely useful for all kinds of things - I felt I had to bring these things out for people to see. And you, if you are as greedy as I am love truth as much I do, can join forces with me by working for Summit of Spin for a ridiculously low salary, considering how much you have to lie love of truth! I cannot promise you anything else but prolonged court battles blood, sweat and tears in our constant fight for better-paying clients a more honest world!" And we think that just about sums it up without us having to do too much actual reporting, so we'll leave it here. Why not have a look at the Summit of Spin and get involved?

Check out these pages! Someone wants to be banned Oh dear God, is it still going? World Cup fever starts here From our logs: 14:26, 6 April 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 167.206.233.170 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) ‎ (ooh, is this a game of "state the bleedin' obvious"? OK: you're a twat. I win!) 15:53, 4 April 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Starsky133 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds ‎ (I have no life and nothing bothers me more than people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're." :-)) 01:22, 3 April 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 123.243.77.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Because I said so: Random insertion of the phrase "Monstrous testicles" into an UnNews article is not funny unless you're extrodinarily lucky, and you, my fine douche bag of a fellow human, are not lucky.) Biopic of the Week You'd think that, him having been on the wiki for over 4 years, having written a bunch of featured articles, and recently become an admin, we'd have done a bio on RabbiTechno by now, wouldn't you? Arguably Uncyc's second most notorious Jew (because no-one ever remembers TKF is Jewish), and UotM wayyy back in January '08, the good Rabbi now polices the wiki with his kosher banstick as part of the increasingly Semitic but non-existent Cabal. Old-School Featured Article of the Week I'm a dick. A private dick. That's like a private dancer but with a gun and dances cost extra. That's how we do it in the detective game. It's a game like Clue, but without the cards or the board. Just the dice. And they always come up snake eyes. The name is Gwendolyne. Last name's not important. All you need to know is my friends call me Gwendolyne. My friends are bourbon and ice and I haven't spoken to ice in years. It was a stormy and dark night. Not a dark and stormy night. That's an unrelated story, one that’s got little to do with this narrative. That somber tale has got something to do with Paul Clifford and I'd tell you about it, but the library revoked my card. Something about expositioning too loud last time I was there. Sorta-Comeback of the Week A wild Gerrycheevers appeared! Gerry used April Fool - it's pretty effective! Necropaxx, RabbiTechno, Mordillo and UU used gullibility - it's not very effective! Gerry wins!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 19:50, April 8, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 15/4/10 - Yet another on time delivery.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.

Apr 15th, 2010 • Issue 84 • News? Where we're going, we don't need... News...

Something Scary This Way "Comes" By Skinfan13 A recent infestation of glowing dildos has taken over the front page of Uncyclopedia. Many users were shocked on April 11th when they opened up their web browsers and were treated to bright green replicas of EugeneKay's penis. Everywhere. Even poor anti-Semite Mel Gibson couldn't escape the wrath of the glowing dick. And the reason for the Scream in Edvard Munch's famous painting was revealed - turns out to have been caused by a hoard of giant glowing EugeneKay penises - an understandable reaction. When asked to comment on the matter, users simply refused to acknowledge that they had seen the penises at all. "Well, I for one didn't notice anything. Glowing penii are so common around here that these particular examples of illuminated manhood really didn't make an impression..." said Aleister in Chains. HELPME had a different outlook on the whole matter: "of course I noticed, how couldn't I? They were everywhere!" he exclusively told our intrepid reporter. Random internet traffic took notice of the infestation as well, with 127.0.0.1 commenting" "Ballsack!!!11 alolololololololooll pasfsdkjfhaelkfjds PENIS PENIS PENIS." He was promptly banned. The infestation passed almost as quickly as it came and a sense of normalcy returned to the main page when the penises retreated into the dark and abysmal graveyard of unused image files. By April 13th, all traces of the Great Penis Invasion of April 11-13 2010 (as it is now being called) were gone. There are, however, unconfirmed reports that the menace still lingers close to the main page, just waiting to strike again soon. I See IC All At Sea By UU It has come to the attention of our ever-vigilant reporters (largely because Why? has been bugging us to write a story about it) that Why? has decided to stand down as Admiral of Imperial Colonization, the organisation that somewhat amusingly styles itself after British Imperialism, but uses American spelling. We didn't need to ask the outgoing Admiral for a comment, as he was falling over himself to give us plenty, so we randomly selected the following: "I'm anal for accuracy", he told us. Among other things. Anyway, if you want to follow in Why?'s footsteps, and those of his illustrious predecessors in charge of the Colonization project, you can sign up to be considered for the post here. If it helps, you may wear a nice hat (please provide your own hat).

Check out these pages! The seed of a good idea It's a surprise, it says so in the name... Tell Uncle Dex everything. Everything... From our logs: 17:54, 14 April 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 204.185.215.1 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (On the charge of flagrant asshattery while in posession of an internet connection, I find you incredibly guilty) 20:05, 13 April 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I never gave you an inaugural joke ban? I blame you.) 23:03, 12 April 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 173.55.13.71 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (And the LORD said unto me: "Go ye, and smite the page blankers; they are as shit upon My heavenly sandal") 14:44, 11 April 2010 ChiefjusticeDS blocked 79.73.5.86 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (You sound clever, and therefore I am blocking you to ensure that your talents are not wasted on us.) 21:19, 11 April 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a random ban time ‎ (chose your own adventure) Biopic of the Week Continuing our glorious occasional tradition of bio-ing people who haven't contributed for months and half the newer members of the wiki will never have heard of, let's have a look at Andorin Kato. An Uncyc stalwart since 2006, Andorin was voting on VFD, QVFDing stuff and writing good articles when most of today's active users were in short trousers (they're still in short trousers, of course, but it's been a while). In true on-the-ball Uncyc fashion, this hard work was recognised when Andorin was made UotM in November 2009. He was less than thrilled. The nostalgic return of Cajek Ban of the Week 11:39, 14 April 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (About time I did this. It's been a good two weeks and I haven't done yet.)

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--ChiefjusticeDS 20:34, April 15, 2010 (UTC)

Vote now for Colonisation

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and other,

As you may be aware we have now reached the point where April's Colonisation, Discordianism, has been successfully moved to mainspace, and we are currently voting on our colonisation for May.

As I have been press-ganged encouraged strongly to take the reigns of IC, I'm sending this out to remind all current and previous members of IC to vote on next months colonisation. Voting is taking place here as we speak. As of 1st of May I will be announcing the page that will get our tender mercies, so I encourage you to vote - or nominate - now.

Good luck, and may the farce be with you!

Nominally Humane! some time Tuesday, 03:35, Apr 27 2010 UTC

Addendum

---

Discordianism has been added to VFH. Go, read, enjoy, vote. Nominally Humane! some time Wednesday, 09:45, Apr 28 2010 UTC

Vote now for Colonisation

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and other,

As you may be aware we have now reached the point where April's Colonisation, Discordianism, has been successfully moved to mainspace, and we are currently voting on our colonisation for May.

As I have been press-ganged encouraged strongly to take the reigns of IC, I'm sending this out to remind all current and previous members of IC to vote on next months colonisation. Voting is taking place here as we speak. As of 1st of May I will be announcing the page that will get our tender mercies, so I encourage you to vote - or nominate - now.

Good luck, and may the farce be with you!

Nominally Humane! some time Tuesday, 03:35, Apr 27 2010 UTC

Addendum

---

Discordianism has been added to VFH. Go, read, enjoy, vote. Nominally Humane! some time Wednesday, 09:45, Apr 28 2010 UTC

UnSignpost 1 May

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost: Special Weekend edition

All your readers are belong to us

April 22nd 1st May, 2010 • Issue 85 • Insert penis joke here

The launch of a new and exciting weekend edition. Maybe. By PuppyOnTheRadio "Where is my signpost?" was the cry heard from the world wide masses this week. "There should have been an issue on the 22nd and on the 29th, and nothing seems to have been done about it." Fear not, gentle reader, for the signpost will not go gentle into the good night. We have instead taken a brief hiatus for no reason that we could conceivably come up with, and now we are back in a blaze of glory. For those who are unaware of our proud history, the next issue, coming out this Thursday, will mark the (roughly) 2 year anniversary of the creation of the UnSignpost, the unperiodic periodical started by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek. The good doctor, at the time of the first issue, was asked what his feelings were towards creating the first formalised forum for spam within Uncyclopedia. It was from this that we now have the immortal words "Those assholes better appreciate this. They'd BETTER." Now, two years on from those words of wit and wisdom, the UnSignpost is still struggling going strong. There have been varied reports as to why the USP has not been released. One suggestion is that regular contributors just "couldn't be bothered writing." Others have suggested that it comes down to the unwillingness of the head editor, who was recently heard to say "I'm so against... this... again... (E)xistence is far more than (it) deserves." One of the more probable reasons for the lack of issues may be that the news has now gone viral, and is available more readily through facebook then it has been previously. One facebook semi-regular, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Silent Bob inaction figure, has said of this development "Excuse me, but I think your geek is showing." Dexter111344 supported the move to the social networking site by saying "I won't be joining as I don't intend to ever make a Facebook." Another possibility is the number of users now communicating via UnSkypelopedia. When asked for a comment, EMC said "OH FUCKING CHRIST I'VE CUM" Dr.Skullthumper, however, said "I started both of them.", and then wished to make reference to some forum or something. Ethine, however, was somewhat more constructive, informing this reporter that "Since it's getting close to summer, we'll likely have more calls, as most people's schedules are slowing down. As well as calls, we have the neat little chat thing at the bottom, where everyone sexually harasses each other when calls aren't going." Despite several attempts, I still haven't been sexually harassed. One reason why users have not been as distracted recently is due to the enormous amount of work going on at PEE review. At present there are articles waiting for review which have been there for over three weeks. For all those who are looking to get the review process back and alive, please pick up an article for review today. Your time and investment into this proud tradition can create the next great article, like the recently featured A wizard did it or the recently nominated UnNews:Windows 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 came out, hailed by some as "the most profound and groundbreaking article to hit Uncyclopedia in over 50 years" Another reason why many users may be distracted is the number of collaborations that are currently in progress. Of those there is Tim Burton, being cleaned up by the team at ΥΣΣ, lead by the fantastic Skinfan13. Also starting to make some ground in the spread of reliable information is the team at Multiliteralist/Summit of Spin, lead by the wonderful Multiliteralist. And of course, coming out blinking from seeing the light of Discordianism is the ever faithful Imperial colonization, lead by everyone's favourite canine, RDB PuppyOnTheRadio. And of course, another reason might simply be that the team here at USP are all running around arranging bake sales to assist with Poo Lit Surprise, the bi-annual competition that actually gives prizes to the winners. The most likely explanation, however, is that nothing newsworthy ever happens on Uncyclopedia

Check out these pages! UnNews:Windows 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 came out Looks who's out of the closet. The most profound and groundbreaking article to hit Uncyclopedia in over 50 years From our logs: Flammable blocked 86.171.18.85 with an expiry time of infinite ‎(YOU ARE SO COOL SO COOL AWESOME LOL) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 91.195.183.211 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Ah, that may be true, but you are a wanker, so it evens out) Olipro blocked 92.4.117.223 with an expiry time of infinite (YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED IN THE ARSE WHILE WATCHING A YANKEES GAME?) Mordillo blocked 217.28.207.226 with an expiry time of 1 week (time's up! you need to go to the toilet to do some poopy!) RabbiTechno blocked 91.195.183.213 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎(Cyberbullying. Matthew R. would like to point out that while he may be gay, you are banned) Olipro blocked YOUR TOO SLOW! with an expiry time of infinite ‎(your spelling is shit, it's spelt "YOU'RE" ... so that means you're a fucking retard) ChiefjusticeDS blocked God-Is-Cool with an expiry time of 40 days ‎(Blessed be the Uncyclopedia admins for they shall lead us to the promised land, also bye bye!) Mordillo blocked God-Is-Cool with an expiry time of 40 years (It took them 40 years not 40 days you bloody heathen) Biopic of the Week What can anyone say about Maniac1075. There are rumours that he is not an individual, but rather a multinational conglomerate of authors who do nothing but write quality articles on an extremely high rate. Or at least on an extreme high. However you look at it his contributions to date have been fast and furious. There is definitely something odd with him at least. If nothing else, he has a scarily in-depth knowledge of the world of professional wrestling. In fact he has been nominated as both Writer of the month and Potatochopper of the month. There is a particular school of though that says that these fields here should be filled in with any old garbage in order to ensure that both the left and the right hand sides of the USP are of the same length. While we appreciate this sentiment, the truth is that the USP is known to be constantly at bursting point with information that we can't fit into one column, and so this right hand column is essential for the stuff that we can't fit elsewhere. SCROTUM The above section is not a prime example of the statement in the section above. Please feel free to ignore it.

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Brought to you by fucking magic. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 10:05, 1 May 2010

The UnSignpost Is Not Dead!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!

Jun 24th, 2010 • Issue 86 • Oh yeah, the UnSignpost, I remember that...

Conservation Week Approaches By UU Fancy watering Uncyclopedia's forestry? Want to be a good conservationist? Fancy taking up the rewriting sword of justice, and righteously smiting the dragon of shit writing? Actually, the hell with that, do you want to take a bunch of bad articles, and make them suck less? Then you, my friend, are in luck! Conservation Week 2010 starts on July 5th, and actively encourages users to scour the wiki (perhaps through judicious use of Special:Random, or possibly through exploration of Category:Rewrite or Category:Ideas or even Special:Lonelypages), find lame articles that they consider are taking up the very space which could be occupied by something less sucky, and then using their skill and judgement to turn those articles into shining examples of comedic writing. As this is a competition dedicated to simultaneously reducing the number of useless articles on the wiki and increasing the number of good ones, some naysayers believe it to be completely pointless - Uncyclopedia is the worst, they say, and no amount of well-intentioned competitions can change that. But were it to exist, the Cabal would probably beg to differ. They may call it something like "a genuinely good thing", and "a ray of hope, signalling that occasionally, even the most worthless dreck may be redeemed". So if you think what your userpage is missing is a template called the "Greasy Mechanic Award", then prepare to rewrite like you've never re-written before. Just don't forget to make your new version better than the original. Something summarizing the events of the last month or so By PuppyOnTheRadio It has been said by one of our esteemed administrators here at UnSignpost that if it wasn't reported in the UnSignpost, then it didn't happen. As there has been no UnSignpost produced for the last few days, due to one of the editors having a real life, and another one being lazy, there are several things that didn't happen. Yes, the loss of the UnSignpost for so long sent a shiver down the spines of many an Uncyclopedian. So much so that one member of the community decided that it was timely to look at a new way to produce the UnSignpost. One such idea was to release a monthly periodical in the place of USP. Although there has been several attempts by this reporter to obtain a quote from said insurrectional community member, to date no response has been heard. As part of the ongoing struggle to maintain our independent stance from Wikia, several members decided that it would be a wise idea to create a way to cash in on the popularity of the site. As such the UnShoppe has been created, where you may purchase any one of a number of Uncyclopedia-related pieces of merchandise. So far all purchases have been made by the individuals who created the store. However, if you are looking for the place to buy a shirt that shows that your nipples have been featured, that a wizard did something, whatever it was, and that you have an in-depth knowledge of who Dan Kwon is. There was a competition. Congratulations go to mrthejazz, who got the pun. Imperial Colonisation has taken a brief hiatus after the new head of IC became the old head of IC. He was an Australian, and his example has inspired the entire nation so much that the new head of Parliament for the country is now the old head of parliament. Congratulations go out to the new new head of IC. A strange bandwagon has been created by a drunken Bonner, who has challenged all and sundry to ask him anything at all. As such there are various forums dedicated to asking regular Uncyclopedian members things. These previously were known as user talk pages, but who can stand in the way of progress? And that's all that didn't happen. Although now it's listed in UnSignpost that means it actually did happen. Which suggests that by editing UnSignpost I have the power to change the past. If I could change anything about the past, what would it be? I had sex with a real person!

Check out these pages! Modusoperandipedia? Fuck... Uncle Dex needs ideas for business cards Wait, we seriously have a store now?! From our logs: 06:22, 23 June 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.152 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (and you are the living proof that school kids are idiots) 00:12, 23 June 2010 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked LRC (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (The purpose of redirects is to redirect someone to a page that is related to the original page, not separated by six degrees of bullshit logic. Try again.) 09:52, 21 June 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.158 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Back after your last block and still loving the penis, have a bit longer to think about that) 15:02, June 17, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 243 seconds (I hear the UnSignpost may be returning, so I'd better make sure I put up at least one decent ban this week so I can get in it!) 05:38, June 17, 2010 PantsMacKenzie (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.109.125.137 (Talk) with an expiry time of a million years ‎ (multiple vandalizations of keitei) Old-School Featured Article of the Week UnMysteries:J'accuse Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning. International Sporting Tournament of the Week The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships. The World Cup? What's that? Missed anniversary of the week Some time in the last month or so, the UnSignpost completely failed to celebrate its second anniversary. Hey ho. Two years of missed deadlines, desperate filler boxes, flimsy biopics, hand-deliveries and pale imitations of journalism - is it even worth mentioning? Probably not. Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #347 The standard of desperate filler boxes in the UnSignpost remains as low as ever. Oh look - a monkey!

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A new UnSignpost issue, another template spammed onto your talkpage, enjoy! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:59, 24 June 2010