Cum in a Can

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The original and best cum-in-a-can, you just can't beat the real thing

“Oh how I love the taste of a new generation”

“You really can't beat the real thing”

“I prefer to squeeze my own fresh in the morning”

~ <insert name here>'s mom

What Is Cum In a Can?[edit | edit source]

In 1998 Dr. Richard Head of the university of Fellatio Falls, N.R surveyed over 1,000 people regarding if they enjoying swallowing when giving oral sex? Over 88% of replies from men and women that Dr. Head surveyed said they do enjoy the taste. When Dr. Heads next question prompted if they enjoyed the taste so much, would they drink it if it was available in a can? 77% answered yes, so it was only natural that companies such as Coca-Cola & Pepsi would race to get a recipe released for a new high protein health beverage out on the market. Coca Cola would release the first protein carbohydrate label of fitness drinks in the summer of 1999. The product was labeled, "Cocka-Cola" that featured the classic recipe of cola, with added sources of protein for that special creamy after taste. Pepsi would soon follow with there new brand, "Poopsie" which put people off at first, but once they got past the mis-informing name of the product, they where pleasantly satisfied with the much smoother taste of cola and semen that was not as fizzy as Cokes brand that was causing a lot of cum bubbles to be burped back up.

The new protein sodas where a hit on the market and here to stay, soon both Coke and Pepsi started releasing new additions of flavors on the market, these included the great refreshing tastes of cola and cock with extra hits of Cherry, Lemon, Lime, Salt & Vinegar, Pepperoni, Chili Cheese and Chives and Coconut Ball Sweat. Each new flavor had a remarkable impact on its own sales, except for the Lemon & Cum flavor, that was said to just taste plain right disgusting as it still contained the seeds. There is now over 21 different brands on the market containing the high protein source of added goodness.

What a delicious looking cocktail
Poopsie's name at first put off many consumers, but soon as they tried Pepsi's version of cum-in-a-can, they where addicted to the shit forever

Popularity[edit | edit source]

The brand was made popular by such endorsers as Susan Summers and Cindy Crawford who where asked how they keep their skin so young and fresh looking in appearance. Susan Summers admitted to Oprah Winfrey in an interview in 2000 that her vitalizing look came from drinking cum in a can, and as soon as Oprah started drinking Cocka Cola, every house-wife in America joined the craze of guzzling down massive amounts of semen in a can.

In 2002 Cindy Crawford started promoting her Revlon owned Dr Pepper labeled cum-in-a-can that was the first non-cola based cum-in-a-can beverage. It contains a double-hit of extra protein and cinnamon that is marketed as "Just what the Doctor ordered" that has been tested on animals and proven to give you a younger and more vibrant look when you shake the cum-in-a-can up and pull back the lid to let the cum-in-a-can shoot off into your face. It is also a great substitute for shampoo and toothpaste.

By 2005 the rage to swallow cum-in-a-can had become a billion dollar industry. It was so big that other beverage products where imitating the brands with such things like "Kum Flavored Koolaid", "Testicle Tang" and "Pringles Dingles Flavors" that changed there classic slogan to "Once you taste what we popped, your swallowing wont stop" but none of these products could match the real sources or high protein in the beverages as the food consumption products either contained artificial flavoring and preservatives for there cum based consumption products, or the genuine article made the crisps too soggy.

Gatorade even jumped on the bandwagon after the NBA's L.A Rapers star forward, Kobe Bryant announced to the company that he needed a energy drink that put back what the semen took out after he had been on a date with a rape victim friend.

it's no surprise to find Celebrities inducing the product

Another popular side brand is those which contain the semen of those with low sperm counts, these drinks are known as Diet Cum in A Can.

Average Consumption[edit | edit source]

Studies show that almost all of the consumers of the cum-in-a-can drinks are women. Survey results showed that approximately 84 out of every 100 women enjoyed drinking the product on a day-to-day basis, where as the other 16 remaining women said that they did not mind the taste, but would only drink it occasionally on birthdays, festive holidays and wedding anniversary. Studies on men showed only 1 in 100 enjoyed consuming the product, but it showed 95 in every 100 men who lived in San Fransisco, Hollywood & the whole country of Afghanistan. They just couldn't get enough of the stuff down their throats.

Statistics showed there was a 148% increase in sales of cum-in-a-can during the presidential campaign of 2008, it was said there was so many cock-suckers around during the time campaigning for Americas vote, that patrons needed a beverage that would remove the taste of bullshit from their mouths that each candidate was spitting down the throats of the voters.

By the end of the 2010 financial year, Cum-in-a-can had sold $21.5 billion dollars globally in 2012, showing it is ejaculating in popularity higher each year, $34 higher then the previous years revenue.

Endorsement[edit | edit source]

Since the products release in 1998, many have come on board to be spokespersons for the popular drink. Such as celebrities and Britney Spears. In a clever campaign to sell the commercial product world-wide, over 9 people have been chosen to be the face of the cum-in-a-can company they represent. As mentioned previously, Susan Summers represents the Cocka-Cola label, while Cindy Crawford endorses the Dr. Pooper range, as well as Britney guzzling down loads of cum-in-a-can for Poopsie, and the only male representative, David Letterman promotes World Wide Cum In My Pants beverage company RC Cum-Cola. Other imitation brands like Fanta have Carrot Top on board, and Sprite have recently signed on Monica Lewinsky who has been promoting the product by showing the cum-in-a-can drinks stains on her little blue dresses.

It is said these people earn 45 cents per product placement, and so far the 2008 TV show Beverly Hills 90210 has made over a trillion dollars by promoting the Dr. Pooper cum-in-a-cam during every scene of their show.

Ingredients & Nutritional Facts[edit | edit source]

  • 2 liters of carbonated cola or soda produce.
  • ½ table spoon of brown sugar.
  • 1 cup of caffeine.
  • All Natural Preservatives, Colorings & flavorings.
  • 9 Gallons Of Hudson River Water or Laxatives.
  • Pint of freshly squeezed semen.
  • A Partridge in a pair tree.
  • A truckload full of pedobear skeet

Consumer Company, Product & Slogan[edit | edit source]

  • Coke: Cocka-Cola - "You just can't beat the real thing"
  • Pepsi: Poopsie - "Enjoy the taste of a new generation of wankers"
  • Dr. Pepper Dr. Shooter - "21 Flavors of Cum and Counting"
  • RC Cola RC Cock 'n Cola - "How bout them hot dogs on 21st street"
  • Fanta Fanta-sdick - "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
  • Revelon Semakover - "Cindy drinks it"
  • Ford' Cum As You Are - "Have you swallowed a load lately?"
  • Toyota Tookinookie Kncklefarker - "Oh what a feeling"

See also[edit | edit source]