Dr. Pepper
“There are 23 flavors. 23 times 3 is 69, so drinking three Dr. Peppers is the equivalent of having sex.”
“The 23 flavors are a secret.”
“Dr Pepper is my favorite drink because I love that I never know which of the 23 flavors I'll get.”
“23... way to go overboard on the flavors jackass. ”
Dr. Pepper, originally known as Dr. Pepperoni, is a popular soft drink/soda, invented by Ronald Hieronymous Clarence Pepper, PhD. Marketed in North and South America, Europe and parts of Antarctica, it is known for its unique, suspicious taste. According to the lore, it contains 23 secret flavours none of which are said to be meant for human consumption or taste good. The current slogan, "Drink it Slow. Dr.'s Orders", which replaced "I Want It All", while often thought to be part of re-inventing the brand, was actually added after ultimatum issued by FDA.
History[edit | edit source]
On an early spring day in 1885, casual inventor Ronald Pepper was experimenting with various crap- I mean adhesives, trying to make plastic lenses for rifle sights. What he created was a substance that was impossible to work with, because it didn't stick to anything. Disappointed, he moved the container full of useless brown liquid to a desk, and started over with another formula. Alerted by slobbery noises coming from behind him, he caught a glimpse of his dog cleaning up the last drops of his failed creation from the container. Concerned, he took the animal to a vet who didn't find anything wrong with the animal.
As further testing was needed, Pepper made some more of the mixture, and fed it to his wife. Favorable review and no noticeable ill effects later, he decided to patent the "liquid" as a beverage. Despite a slow start, the uniquely flavored drink found it's following during the late 1800s.
In a notable 2022 essay "Mario the Man vs. Mario the Idea" Dr. Pepper is listed to be thought of as fondly as Mario, the well-known Super Mario brother.
The Legacy Lives On[edit | edit source]
Dr. Pepper's death in 1965 caused some confusion and panic among the company. Pepper took the original recipe to his grave, and as the existing reservoirs started to run out, company management called in an emergency meeting regarding future production. A classified decision was made to purchase raw Coca Cola in secrecy, and flavour it with 23 readily available, cheap ingredients such as antifreeze, elderberry juice, sodium chloride and turpentine. Changes went unnoticed by consumers for 30 years, when the original recipe was finally discovered by Ronald Pepper's estate. In 1996 the company returned to use Pepper's ingredients for the beverage. As the public complained about the "new" taste of the drink, the company reverted back to 1965 formula and have stuck with it to the day.
Lot of the classified details in the company's history was revealed in 2003 when Charles Alderton, CEO of Dr. Pepper corporation since 1965, retired and released his memoirs.
Conspiracy[edit | edit source]
Many conspiracy theories have been raised over the exact ingredients of Dr. Pepper soft drinks. Rumours identifying some of the 23 flavours ranged from cat urine to battery acid and most substances in between. In a statement released in 1969, the company said their drink "contains no such things", which did little to stop the gossiping, because something in the drink had to make it taste that shitty.
Ingredients alleged to be included in the Dr. Pepper recipe include:
- Ricin
- Dran-O
- the pure blood of a beautiful Victorian woman who has ventured into the dark confines of the brooding vampire's castle
- Ground-up DVD pieces
- People (alleged by Charlton Heston)
- Crack Cocaine
- Drywall
- Tungsten
- Sand
- Whoever "did it" (alleged by O.J. Simpson)
Also there have been stories that the number 23 also has an important significance for Doctor Pepper . It represents one half of the total amount of chromosomes that are present in the cells of all humans. So the suggestion is that you only need one strand of DNA - rather than the standard two - to understand the taste of Doctor Pepper's drink.
The Piano Picnic Tragedy[edit | edit source]
In March 2006, employees from Dr. Pepper corporation were gathered for a picnic at Haggard Park in Plano, Texas. An hour or so into the festivities, the extreme heat experienced that day caused a 2,000 gallon tank of carbonated beverage to explode, with dire consequences. The shrapnel from the container killed 3 people, further 5 drowned and 13 were severly injured. The explosion shattered the windows of nearby businesses, from 17th Street to 13th Street. Extensive flood damage was caused by the sticky beverage, amassing to $13 million.
The company released a statement expressing their condolences to the families of the victims, but refused to take any responsibility for the incident because they are corporate fucks.
Push It Real Good[edit | edit source]
Doctor Pepper briefly teamed up with Doctor Decimus Salt to release a dance album in the 1950s - The Taste of Doctor Pepper and Doctor Salt. It didn't sell many copies until its tunes were stolen by a girl rap group in the 1980s.
0 Grams Trans Fat[edit | edit source]
In 2006, the Dr. Pepper Company launched a marketing campaign announcing that the drink is now completely free of trans fats. Despite the fact that it never contained lipids of any kind to begin with, the campaign proved to be a success for the company. As sales numbers started to soar, the company continued with followup announcements declaring Dr. Pepper no longer contains traces of lead, mercury, strontium, arsenic or dissolved rodent faeces.
Spin Offs[edit | edit source]
In 2008, Dr. Pepper Corporation produced a variant of the substance called Dr. Pepper Spray. Aimed at women, law enforcement agents and bounty hunters, instead of the other way around as originally planned, the product raised too much negative publicity and lead to the end of the production in just 2 months.
In 2010, Professor Johnny Bell attempted to re-create a pint of a Dr. Pepper flavor. He failed, and his lab exploded. Bell survived, only to find a sort of plant grownig from the ground. After a year of growth, the plant sprouted a Bell Pepper. Bell ate this pepper and marketed it at his local farmer's market. Bell made a profit of 47 dollars. Bell then died of a massive onset of SEHS.
A talk show titled "Dr. Pepper" ("23 flavours of stupidity, and he's not even a real doctor") was planned in 2006. The show was supposed to cover a wide variety of topics, such as weight loss, financial planning, relationship problems, rebellious teenagers, dysfunctional families, rapepaleontological discoveries and ritual cannibalism. The show did poorly in early screening sessions, and was quickly dropped.
Secrecy[edit | edit source]
Often drinkers and addicts of Dr. Pepper are ashamed of their habits and will use several phrases to refer to their indulgences. These include:
- "An appointment with The Doctor."
- "I've got a prescription from The Doctor."
- "I've gotta take this, Doctor's orders."
- "I am armed and prepared to kill everyone in this restaurant if I do not get a Dr. Pepper."
- "Anyone fancy a visit to the Apothecary?" (Britain Only)
Sex Applications[edit | edit source]
As of 2010, Dr. Pepper has no known sexual applications. Unless you count sex in a tub full of Dr. Pepper a sexual application.
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